I see you have a good deal of writing ablility. This poem is (without trying to sound trite) quite deep. You say what you feel in a very creative manner. For example speaking of 'the empty body that remains' after the gunshot. [That line, by the way needs a period at the end] Another example is the lines,
'Does one commit the very same sin
when choosing to die, or dying to win?'
Good job with this piece both grammatically and poetically. I admire your ability and talent.
Hello again, although this is far from my type of genre, it is a good poem. I'm not into 'dark stuff' but can appreciate something that is well written.
There a one place that, in my opinion, could use a different word to keep with the feel of the piece. In verse four I think the line that says, 'Will clouds stick like mud to their boots?' could read 'Will clouds (cling) like mud to their boots?'
In the fifthe verse the word 'cinge' should be spelled 'singe'
The last verse is perfect. Even though I don't agree with it, it feels inspired. Kind of like a classic poem.
This is a good idea for a poem. Adding a syllable to each verse does indeed show progression.
Before you enter it in the contest, there are a couple corrections to be made.
In the first verse, last line, maybe the line could read 'from the same white porch instead of 'for the same white porch'
Then in some of the verses there needs to be adjustment to the number of syllables.
3rd verse which uses 7 syllables, the 4th line only has 6 syllables. I think correcting it to read 'sometimes, (it) is all you need.' would add the neede syllable without changing the meaning.
4th verse, 4th line, has 9 syllables instead of 8. You could remove the word 'must' and retain the meaning.
5th verse, 2nd line. The word recreant has 3 syllables which adds an extra, making it 10 syllables instead of 9. You could amend the line to read 'The recreants are shaped by mentors.'
Last line of the last verse, for my ear at least, it would sound a little better to say 'On this I insist'
The syllable corrections are for sake of form. The last suggestion is merely subjective.
I do like this poem. I am just trying to help with editing for the contest. Let me know if you edit, I can change my rating.
Hey there, welcome to Writing.Com. I see you are 8 years old. It's nice to have young talent among us. It will be enjoyable to see how you progress with your writing.
This is a fine poem about frost. I like frost too. I think it can make intersting patterns on stuff.
Hello Cole, This is an inspired portrayl of a desert lightning storm. The words you chose bring vivid images to mind. The reader can experience each minute detail, right down to the spider watching with you on your leg.
I think the first part needs a little help with rhythm, but as I went along the flow of the piece was perfect.
I am kind of picky about absoulte rhyming, so the second and fourth verses bothered me a little. But that is my little quirk. The poem was wonderful.
Fixing the rhythm and the two places of rhyme would get this poem a 5 star rating from me.
Hey Ben, this poem about believing in our dreams is a good one. The rhyming is good and so is the rhythm.
The message is timely. Nowdays people find their dreams shattered all over the place. We just need to find a new one or pick up the pieces of the old one.
Hello, welcome to Writing.Com, I see your username is eowyngirl and this poem has elements of the warrior maiden in it. Are you a 'Lord of the Rings' fan. I am. In my dreams of myself in alter ego time, I am a warrior maiden.
This is good writing. I like the 'feel' of the piece. I also get the message that our dreams can help improve our outlook on 'real life'.
This is a good piece describing the anticipation of awaiting the beginning of an epic battle. The type of battle was a complete surprise.
I am a more traditional-type poet, so use punctuation, which you only used in one place. But that is okay, I know there is a place for my type as well as other types. The one place you did use punctuation was a perfect place for it.
Hello, welcome to Writing.Com. Am looking forward to reading your material.
We have to submit a rating number to respond to this. Since it is not a piece of writing, but a greeting I am giving you a 3.0 rating so my response will be sent to you. There are forums to say hello. Here is a link for a good one to begin with "Writing.Com General Discussion"
Hi there, welcome to Writing.Com I hope you will enjoy being a member of the famiy.
This is a good reminder to keep ourselves in the place where we can hear God speak. I especially like two sentences in the last verse which say, God doesn't need a reason to grace you with His presence. He just needs an opportunity.' With your permission I would like to pass that quote on to a few friends(of, course giving you credit for writing it).
What a peaceful poem! I can feel as if I were sitting beside you as you watched this silent beauty of the night. I wish I had been.
Your poems keep improving with each one you write. And I am so glad you are rhyming them. It makes me think you are following in your Mother's footsteps.
I almost hesitated to read the folder you stashed your comedy folder in. You said it was where you kept your 'shorts. I wasn't sure thatwas something I wanted to see. LOL
This 'short' comedy made me chuckle out loud. I could easily visualize Yosie Yams saying the stuff he did. Only a creative genius could make a dish of yams come to life like you did.
Well!! My goodness!! I'm not usually of a mind to read this type of story, but the title was intriguing. So, I thought I would give it a try.
I was perturbed when the phone rang in the middle of it. I didn't want to stop reading even for a few minutes. You are an excellent writer. The ending was superb!
As I am eating breakfast I am also reading items on WDC. This poem about my granddaughter is a good start. I will head to the one about my grandson next.
This describes her to a 'T'. I would suggest some punctuation to help with the rhythm and flow of the piece.
These are just my suggestions to smooth out the flow a I read.
In the first verse, 4th line put a comma after 'love'. It makes the reader pause just a bit while reading.
In the 4th line try this: 'And in her mind's eye, it is a sort of dance.'
In the second verse replace 'the effect she has' with the word 'her'. The other words make the line seem a little too long to me. In the last line maybe swapping places with the words 'dance' and 'happy'. We usually think of dancing with glee.
In the third verse, last line: a comma after 'me' because it makes you pause and it is a new phrase.
In the 4th verse 1st line take out the word 'in'.It is necessary there and interrupts the rhythm. And in the 3rd line, another comma, again for rhythm and new phrase.
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