This is a wonderful change. It has the same message, but sounds way more poetic. Good job with your editing. I have changed my rating to match your editing.
Thank you for respecting my opinions and not being upset with my suggestions.
This poem of yours is quite depressing. When you wrote it approximately three years ago(according to your copyright date)you had a very bleak outlook on life. I hope it has improved since then.
Even though this is depressing, the imagery and form are good. The comparisons you use for your aloneness are very creative.
Hello Amanda, The words of this poem are a wonderful tribute to our Heavenly Father. They speak of your love and devotion to Him.
I think it would read smoother with a little editing. I will give you my ideas of what I think would work and you can take or leave them.
There are a lot of commas in this poem. I think some of the thoughts could be combined without changing the flow, rhyme or intent.
The first two lines could be one complete sentence with a period after 'through'.
Each thought beginning with 'when' could be a sentence by itself. In the third line the word 'i" needs to be capitalized. In the last line of the first verse you could switch the first four words around to make the flow and rhyme seem less forced. 'you make my heart sing'
The second verse needs a capital letter for the first word in the first line. You also need to capitalize the word 'i' again. The first two lines could be combined to make a complete sentence. The first word of the third line would start a new sentence, so would need to be capitalized. The third through the last line of this verse could stand as is, except that I would take out the comma after the word 'source'.
The love for our Lord you express here echoes my own. Keep writing for Him!
Hell natty, Welcome to Writing.Com It's nice to have fresh talent on board.
This is a wonderful poem of what friendship should be.
It was very creative to liken finding the friend to a drink of 'sweet nectar' that opened your eyes to what friendship is all about.
Hello there, I like the message of this poem. It is a good reminder that people sometimes need someone who will look past appearances, just sit and listen to them.
The rhyming is good. The rhythm bogs just a little, but is okay.
I think the expalnation of the thousand mirrors is excellent. It really brings home the point.
"She said to me,"The stares I get,
Show my flaws--my heart they forget."
Hey, welcome to Writing.Com. You have made your writing debut with a flair.
The images you created in this piece are absolutely vivd. I especially like the description of sliding your feet into the pair of jeans and getting your toes caught in the tangled fibers. I had anticipated that image and was not disappointed.
You do a good job of describing your Saturday Friend.
Hi Angelica, this is a good 'circle of life' poem. I like the imagery of the line "Yet as it hugged the chilly ground". It creates a vivid picture.
I see you didn't use punctuation, which is okay for this poem. The way the words are written create line breaks that make the poem flow nicely without it.
In the line "Greater things were abound", the word 'abound' isn't quite right. I understand what you are trying to say, but another word would be more appropriate. I think you can either change that word or rewrite the preceding line also to maintain your rhyming, which by the way, is pretty good.
I like the down to earth feel of this poem. Keep at it!
Hey, Lexi. This isn't an easy topic to write about. Some people don't see verbal abuse for what it is. They don't realize the mind doesn't heal like the body does. The perpitrater thinks they aren't doing anything wrong because they are not touching you.
If words have the ability to sooth, then in the reverse, they can destroy.
I'm sorry if this is personal experience, but thank you for sharing it with us. It helps us to know you better. Just to let you know, I care!
Hello Lexi, this is a wonderful reminder to proclaim our love for the Savior.
You have almost given a sermon in a flowing, poetic manner. You wrote this is in 2003, but the meassage is still fresh: If we love God we will live to show it.
Hello, This is excellent. You have summed up a poet in 31 words. You have done it with unforced rhythm and rhyme, proving that you have the soul of a poet yourself.
Hello, I was searching poetry using 'recently modified last' as the criterium. This struck my fancy. I rather like it. It does a good job of bringing to mind a mental picture of the belly dancer. The way the words are put together is perfect for the topic.
I am having a fun time reading people's 'old stuff'.
Hello, this poem reminds me of the times years ago, when I would spread a blanket out on a little hill. My children and I would lay on our backs and watch the stars. We especially did this on nights when meteor showers were in the sky. We wouldabsorb the calm and peace of the night.
Hello, your writing touched my heart! I'm sorry you are having such a hard time with yourself. I am one who listens very well. Any time you want to vent or ask questions or need me to just say "Hi, glad you are here", let me know!
Hello, welcome to Writing.Com I hope you find everything to your liking here.
This is a soothing poem. It's nice to read something calming and peaceful. A pleasant respite. I am swept away to a rock on the beach, and I leave there ready to face the day.
Hi honey, I thought I had reviewed this before, but I guess I didn't.
I love the line:
I have dreams that trickle down upon each empty sheet
How creative!
That is exactly what happens when writing. The dreams of the heart just drizzle out.
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