Hello there, I found this short story on the Shameless Plug Page.
You asked if this could work out as a series of short stories. I think it could. There is a lot of room to maneuver your imagination around.
You created vivid images. The ending made me smile 'real big.' I don't know if it was you intention, but this was a fun read.(And I'm not really the short story type of person)
I have been looking for things to read that make me laugh or go hmmmmm. I love puns and plays on words. You have a bunch of them here. I smiled and said hmmm several times.
Hello there liv2ride Welcome to Writing.Com. It's good to have new authors to read.
I don't share the passion for horses that you portray about yourself in this little essay. In fact, even though they are beautiful animals, I am terrified of horses. But I have other areas in my life that echo the same depth of passion you possess. So I can understand your love for these animals.
Hello again. As I promised in my review of your Prologue, I have read chapter one of your story.
This has the promise of being a good fantasy story. With editing, that will happen. This is a public review so others can read this and give their opinion also. That is why I will send my editing suggestions in another email. It will be too lengthy for this type of forum. I can be more detailed in a private review.
This is a good premise for a fantasy story, but there is a bit of spelling corrections to be made. If spelling is not your best subject,you should use spell-check or a dictionary.
There are also places where you used words that made the sentence redundant. For example, the third line in the introduction, 'This is the first story that I wrote up a detailed outline for before writing.' This could be shortened without changing the meaning or detracting from what you are saying. 'This is the first story I have written a detailed outline for.'
There are also places where punctuation needs editing, but working on spelling for now will help.
I will read the next segment and see how that sounds.
Hey there Johnathan Vladmir Chessington I like this peaceful stroll through a graveyard in poetic form. It brought to mind the sights and smells I myself have experienced on my own sojourns through the final abode of the human body.
I am a rhyming poet, but didn't mind the lack in this piece. The flow overcame my need for rhyme.
I was impressed with your creativity in using the words 'Memory Stones' to indicate tombstones.
I like this poem of fear during a storm. Giving the storm a female personality added another level of complexity to this piece.
When I read the last four lines, they didn't flow as smoothly as the rest of the poem. The thoughts presented are good, but the manner of delivery needs a little work. Here is a suggestion to improve the flow (and my idea is not perfect):
'And so, I closed my eyes and thought
Of all before the storm.
Calm and happy memories lulled me to peaceful slumer.
The raging storm was gone when I awoke from my sleep.'
This is just a suggestion that sounds good to my ears. We are all different (thank goodness, I need other's ideas). In the final writing, it is the author who has to be satisfied with what he/she wrote.
Again, welcome and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Hello, I'm not sure of the form for Pensee type of poetry, so it is hard for me to comment on that form. I would suggest adding a description of the form at the end of your poem. Readers could then better understand why the poem is a short one and make comment on how well you followed the form.
The words you used tell of the sea, but maybe you could you use more imagery to make it stand out in the readers mind. For example the line 'Lots of water' could be described as 'Living water'.
These are suggestions from my point of view. Luckily we all have different ideas or life would be boring. Take what you feel is helpful. In the end it is the creator of the poetry who needs to be satisfied with the work.
I like the little story this poem tells.It is very creative. However it would be easier to read if it had punctuation added. For instance, one of your lines reads 'All of a sudden I can't see the moon has gone black.' A comma would help me to understand the sentence a little better. 'All of a sudden I can't see, the moon has gone black.' The comma separates two actions in one sentence.
The other thing that would help this piece is to write it all in the same tense. In one line you say, 'I was memerized...' then in another you say 'Then the world goes black and I start running...' One is past tense and one is past tense.
This is a good start, I think a little work could make this great.
Being a poet, my final review is going to be for your poetry folder. I have read the poems therein. They are good, but the review is not about them. I have looked at the folders within this folder. The review is not about them either. It is about the little poem at the top of this folder.
It is short, sweet, and to the point. It tells your reason for this folder in a fun way.
This is the end of my raid on your port(for this time, I'll be back). I have enjoyed the evening with you. You kept me entertained. The TV was on and it didn't distract me once.
Hi again. Well I must say you are changing my mind about not really liking to read short stories. This is another good one.
It is a good reminder that our treasures in life are not always silver and gold. The words 'I love you, Mommy' are the most precious thing I have ever been gifted with.
Hello Ann Ticipation this is an intersting use of a rhyming pattern. Would you call it internal rhyme?
I love the way it sounds as it is read. Poetry is not only about what the words say, but how they sound.
The flow of the piece is pretty good, but could use a little tweaking. The other thing that needs fixing is the word 'fantasise'. It is spelled 'fantasize'.
This is fun to read. If you edit, let me know. I would like to read it again.
Well PSanta-I'm ba-ack!, this is pretty good and again, going on the Public Review Page.
You claim to not be the poet in the family (saving that distinction for me), but this one may disprove that. The rhyme and flow of the piece is very good.
The subject is one we have discussed, but you put to pen. I just think you should have named him Thanatos.
Okay, this evokes emotions in a big way!! Which is what poetry is supposed to do. I hope this wasn't taken from an actual experience. Ugh!! I can't even imagine.
The title is an attention grabber. That is why I read this. I see no grammatical or spelling errors. So, along with the emotion, this is well written. Good job!!
Hey there Lyre Frost, my brother PSanta-I'm ba-ack! sent me the link to this story/poem. He saw it in the Horror Newsletter. It is a good childen's scary story.
You have a good imagination. I'm one who usually looks for rhyming patterns and such. I didn't even notice there wasn't a regular pattern.
I like your description, 'My first illustrated children's story, sans illustration'. Good one!!! Made me chuckle.
Hey there. This is far from my 'cup of tea', but I can appreciate a well written poem. What you say touches the emotions deeply. The imagery is excellent. I am seeing what I don't want to see.
There are a couple spots that need minor editing.
In the first verse, 8th line, there should be an apostrophe in the word 'thats' (that's). Also in the last line of the same verse, you need an apostrophe for the word 'its' (it's).
In the third verse you have too many of the letter 'd' in the word 'addorned' (adorned).
Even though this isn't my type of writing, keep on putting it out there for those who do like this type.
Hi Lydia, I see you have been among us for just a couple weeks. Welcome to Writing.Com!!
This is a cute children's poem. The title is intriguing. The comcept of the poem is wonderful. The aabba rhyming pattern is carried though in all verses.
But the rhythm and flow bogs down a little. Here are a few suggestions. These are from my point of view. In the end, it has to be you who is satisfied with what you write.
In the third verse a comma at the end of the word 'tall' would cause the reader to pause at that point which would help the rhythm, and a comma is used to separate words in a description. When leaving a letter off the front of a word usually requires an apostrophe to replace(') the letter. So the word (bout) would be written ('bout). I think maybe a comma after the 'own' would have pause the flow as previously stated and it make it easier to read.
In the last verse, the last line could be smoothed out a little. I think the word 'doesn't' is what throws off the rhythm. Perhaps it could read, "And at night it won't even drool'
I know this looks like a lot of 'stuff' I think could be improved, but it isn't. It just takes a lot of words to explain my thoughts.
Again, this is a cute poem. I like cute children's work, yours is on that list.
Hi Ridinghood, I like this type of poem. I have heard of a Ghazal but was not sure what it is. It's pretty interesting. I may just try to write some myself.
The subject of your Ghazal is one of my very favorites.
I love writing about my Lord and Savior, and loved reading what you say about Him.
Hello, fellow coffee-drinker. Right now it is almost 11:30 at night where I live. Your Ode to Coffee has made me anxious to get to bed so I can appreciate the wonder of this brew in the morning. (My coffee pot has a timer, so the aroma awakes me in the morning. It is better than any alarm clock that has been manufactured.) Yes, it is worth waiting for! And your ode so excellently extolls that fact.
Hey, hello MattMore. This is a fun, colorful, children's poem. I really got into the swing, all except for the line that reads 'I didn't care I'll just danced.' Did you mean 'I just danced'? That would make a little more sense to me.
I really liked the rest and would probably change my rating to a 5star rating if that was fixed up.
Hello there, I am looking for giggles this evening. Your story of Charlie, the non-pet 'mouse roommate' provided them for me. I chuckled at the picture of you waiting with hammer in hand to send Charlie to mouse Valhalla. Being a female, I was concerned with bare feet, as a mouse was running around. I was glad to hear of the huge boots on your feet. That sight, along with the hammer raised high, brought an audible chuckle.
Thanks for the humor this cold, snowy evening, Nancy
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