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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| I think there's been a breach of wdc blogville ... ohhh sorry some folks dont like that name.. howz blogcity, blogtown, blogluneybin ? Regardless, seems that sneaky little angel daughter of mine hacked in here and posted a plea for food... not hard to do, since I use the same password for everything cause my memory is so bad, I'd forget and not be able to do banking, check emails on 4 different sites, check my website, look for jobs on monster.ca, and workopolis, and about 10 other sites, pick up phone messages, pay bills, go to myspace or wetpaint or.. ... Wow.. what did we do before we had to password everything??????? Anyway... sure all nice of you folks to send money for Big Macs and offers to pay for her restaurant meals, and purchases of FryDaddys (only in Texas! bleckkkkkk) Poor gal, when I told her about the Big Mac cash coming, she thought it was for real. And about an hour after I told her about the FryDaddy she said, “Mom all I can think about is tempura!!” And when I told her SOMEBODY ( and a LAWYER at that), told her to smoke pot in protest til I brought back in the stove, .......she said, “We don't have any matches”  ... ok... this has gone far enough......someone smack her..... somebody tells you to smoke pot and you dont say wahoooo and you are 15... ok, perhaps all this raw food has messed with her rebellious teenage sideHey.. I may be onto something here!? I see a new business venture in the works. A new food group all on its own...... Go Raw or Raise Rebellious Teenagers or GRoRRT for short... sounds like a winner to me. Well not much new to report – the media blitz has slowed down, I saw the van pull out of the marina earlier tonight. Seems like that pesky reporter Justin Time and his sidekick dntd have gone off to spy on the gal down the street who was last heard pitching out her stove..... seems it's become an epidemic around here. Older news .. got a merit badge from Ski -ster for ghost blogging him the other day... that was too fun... you all gotta try that sometime!And I won a contest in Dave Gordon bloggy the other day too – I won a whoppin 497 gps, runner up prize .... for my answer of 'carrots'! (i forget the question)HAH... see carrots are good, carrots are great, carrots are all that today I ate... I got a ahem... carrot poem today too.. from the meat lovin' skister....it's pretty naughty and didnt want to ruin his reputation.. but he does a good enough job on his own.. so here it is.. be forewarned scroll down if you have sensitive eyes.... THERE ONCE WAS A GIRL WITH A CARROT, NOT SURE IF IT WAS TO EAT OR FOR HER TO WEAR IT! I FEAR SHE IS IN SEXUAL DESPAIR, BECAUSE SHE HINTED TO PUTTING IT "YOU KNOW WHERE!" SHE'S GOT HERSELF ON THIS VEGETABLE SWING, I ONLY WISH HER THE "REAL" THING! IF YOU FIND YOURSELF SLEEPING WITH A CARROT, REMEMBER THIS RELATIONSHIP HAS NO MERIT! SO, INSTEAD OF GOING SOUTH, PUT THAT BABY IN YOUR MOUTH! YES, I MEANT EAT IT!!! GEEESH! I just feel the love these days... sigh And just in case you are really thinking of calling in CAS – we did eat other things today. Quite delish actually – even ask Dev We had couscous salad again – different version ala Devann, homemade guacamole... sooooooo good and sooooo garlicy wahooooo, and salad of course and carrots of course and curried corn soup (yup raw and chilled) I thought it was amazing.... but that's where Dev put her foot down. Soup is supposed to be hot, that's all there is to it , so she wouldn't even try it. Said she was too full....hmmmm.. i did hear crinkling paper up in her TV ADDICTION CENTRE (formally known as her loft) later.. hmmmm....did someone here really fedex her some twinkies or something??? So end of day three folks and still alive and kickin' and coming back for more. Tomorrow... raw rice salad and sprouted chick pea hummous!! Wahooooo..... Big Cheers ......cause I found out Corona Beer is vegan and since I drink it cold not hot, I'm saying it falls into the raw category and dont bother disputing me cause I have my hands over my ears!!!! lalalalalalala bugz |
| it's devann here.......you know the cute on up there in the pic on my moms blog thing........ok this is gunna be quick, my mom is outside, i think she's hanging up clothes or something i dunno. just wanted to sneak in and thank somebody mom calls sweet tea for trying to raise money for me. i think i am going to need some extra cash, so i can sneak up to the store and buy a sandwich. i'm starving, but it's closed now, so if you can send the $ over to my paypal tonight maybe i can try to get up there before she wakes up in the morning. one good thing she doesnt get up early cause she's always up late talking to some dude on here who skis - which is kinda weird cause it's summer time anyway she kept laughing all day which drives me nuts and i am always saying SHUT UP MOM, but she doesnt listen.. all the time she was reading her new raw cookbook,she kept looking like she was gunna pee her pants.. eewwwwwww and muttering stuff, like, .....i so didnt get that.. what's not to get... god mom.. she can be sooo dumb and she was yaking for ages with flick or fleck but she doesnt seem so nice telling my mom how she was eating onion rings... i hate onion rings but at this point i'd eat anything deep fried,... even vegetables – but she does keep trying to tell mom that tv is cool, mom's not buying, but it is kinda nice that she's trying to help me at least but some good news maybe i'll get to cut back on some of my hours at work cause i think she got a job offer or something.. she was jumping up and down laughing her head off about being president of some "starve" company. Not sure if that is one of those publishing companies she edits smut for... which i really wish i didnt know about... i mean TMI mom... or maybe a newspaper or what, but jeez she better get work soon. We cant really be a foster family if i am the only one working for crying out loud. but at dinner.. which actually wasn't bad actually... couscous salad with cumin, i made it before, its pretty tasty, not mushy like it looks.. see.... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** i took this pic when mom was checking outside to see if some stalker guy JT was out there ( I think she's losing it ... I didnt see anybody ) shes a good cook really – even if she makes me eat weird stuff... the good news is i could prob live in any country cause ever since i can remember eating, she was always feeding me greek, indian, lebanese, chinese, thai, you name it.... i've eatten it. but even i think this raw thing has gone a leeetle bit too far and now she wants to trade in our stove that she made me help her drag outside the other day.....to buy a Cuisinart and a food dehydrator, so i get to eat dried up mashed food... why do i feel like i'm 5 months old again???? But anyway at dinner she was saying how all you guys were picking on her. She started to cry actually or maybe it was cause some knight guy on here wrote her a poem about her sister who died – coulda been that – but she says she is feeling responsible cause all the farmers are gunna go broke cause they's some big anti-vegetable movement that is going on cause of her. And she's even more broke now cause she has to hire some lawyer guy cause some other dented guy keeps writing about her and trying to get pictures of her like, which is kinda gross.. ewww... she's my mom.. go away dude! If you wanted a pic you shoulda got one yesterday when she was helping our weird neighbour fix his dock, i mean just cause he 'said' he was gunna help her get a job at his newspaper.... i think it was just a trick to get her to help him.... i mean really who else would have crawled around on the dock like she did and end up getting covered in otter poop.... godddddd..... i soooooo didnt want to admit she was my mom after that.... phewwwwwww... sooooooo wish i had gotten a pic that would have been great blackmail material – i bet someone here would have paid me big bucks eh????... then i could even go up to the pub and get a burger and fries and onion rings oh god and a coke, man i havent had a coke in years.... wow i mean i know she always says, she'll pay for my therapy when i get older but seriously... I NEED HELP NOW!!!! so ok i think she thinks some of you peeps are her friends and all... but come on .. im just a kid some body talk some sense into her im a teenager i have rights... i have a tv and cable and a cell phone, now i need real food!!! its gotta be a law somewhere... so that lawyer thats on here .... i think she talks about him cause he lives with aligators, weird but i'll take any help i can get. So if anyone knows his addy can you get him to text me? That'd be great so umm.. yah.. thanks... oh crap here she comes gotta go............................... |
| I will spare you the ongoing saga of this venture into the very unexplored pit of raw foodness. I am keeping another journal for that… private for now. I may have to unleash some pretty nasty thoughts and cravings… so I will try to keep it out of here for your own protection. But I just want to say how overwhelmed I was with the support I received from this very generous and open minded community. ….. I sure felt the LOVE I’ll tell yah …. read NOT!!!! Let’s see how this VERY emotional and intense life changing event has been perceived by my very special friends here: SouthernDiva thinks Dev is going to lock me in a closet.... which I think Ski -ster is supporting because I believe he threatened to force feed me meat and send me to bed without any carrots. I think some people on here are getting a leeetle aggressive... too much meat eating. A leeetle too much hormone consumption going on with you carnivores, perhaps?? Like The Cowboy who wouldn't last a week without meat or cornbread with butter for that matter.And ezseeker thinks I am hallucinating and that I will end up talking like a lamb? Well lambs are supporters of the raw food diet too you know !! Sweet and kind little miss sweett has taken up a collection to support my poor neglected daughter. All donations to “Beano for Bugzy”, are tax deductible and can be wired directed to sweetT. Wow…my heart sings. Side bets are going on started by Nada – a week.seems to be the popular choice, supported by a few others, included my ‘friend’ fleckgirl thanks sooo much doll!!ljkam however has little faith and predicts 3 days… and she's trying to bribe me with sending me her own recipes for home made iced caps – so if you need to know how to make one welkerdeb and Mrs. Whatsit then check with her.... she can't trick me and HAH one day has now sort of passed, so only 2 more to go! Then she loses... (oops did i say lose??)DntdKnight and a posse of sex crazed reporters and red necks are stalking me constantly. Spying on me, interviewing my family and basically making me a recluse! I may have to resort to harvesting seaweed from under my dock, as I am getting too paranoid to leave my home.My newest and now my ‘best’ friend and supporter and fellow anti-cable blogger Deelyte- Chillin' is thinking this aint too bad as she and actually scarlett_o_h have figured out that a raw food diet does not include “cooking” so they are on board … so there!! HAH!And just to let you know with Nikola~Ugh Summer!  hiding under my couch… I so won’t be cheating by trying to sneak that veggie burger that’s calling me from my freezer. That secretly I know Thea wants to eat.*Barbara Maria* is investigated the possibility that when they 'brew' alcohol they don't actually 'cook' it, so we may have found a loop hole here. And I am thinking by about day 9, I am gunna need all the help I can get. So * bm * get on that quick ok??And get this one.. galinago says he owns a raw food cook book... HAH.. he probably only has one to look at the pictures, and until I see a picture of him holding the book... I'm not buying it. A lawyer too... sheesh Well I survived day one. Devann however is rebelling as predicted.. thanks all for setting that up... she refused to come down from the TV dungeon for dinner. She said, 'I don't wanna eat salad again!” Which is hilarious because we haven't even had salad for like a whole week. So I told her, give back the TV, I give back the stove... she's not buying it though. Basically it's a standoff. Well I am off to suck on an ice cube, which Special Kay thinks is the ultimate diet. I feel a headache coming on... here we go folks!Cheersing with oh yeah... a glass of water yahoooo bugzy |
| So I like to balance things out all the time (libra thing remember?) Like if I get new stuff, I usually like to get rid of old stuff. Clothes I am good at that... books, well not so good. Well seems now that a TV WITH CABLE has arrived in my quaint, ex-tranquil piece of paradise, I feel I must get rid of something else. Soooooo I had a good look around. Some essentials can't go, like my couch, well it could i guess, no one sits on except Darla, but my mom bought it for me, and would wonder where it was when she visits.. ok so that stays. Hmm. bookshelves are a must. My chair, well that's a necessity or where would I sit to work... ok, well the piano, I guess that could go since I ahem.... kinda don't practice much lately... but I kinda like it. My bed of course has to stay, its super comfy and fairly important for the 3 or 4 hours I sleep or so on some days. Sheesh, we got rid of so much stuff when we moved here not sure what else I dont need.... oh.... well now THERE:S something I can give up and at the same time torture Devann....... the stove...... Yup.. that's a brilliant idea. I am NOT going to cook anymore , so who needs it!!??? HAH!! Great. So in keeping with not needing a stove ...which begs the question, what the hell is she gunna eat without a stove?? WELL.. we are going RAW!! YUP.. totall 100% raw food diet. yahoooooo!! So by now you're thinking......she's lost what little she had left in her vegan mind.... she already gave up meat, (well most meat. ok forget that, not going there ) dairy, including cheese and milk and usually eggs, no chicken, fish... ok... what's left?? VEGETABLES!? And what little is left in the whole food group pyramid now she isn't even gunna cook it?!?!?!? She's really lost it now! Why or why ?? Ok, so here's the deal. I know about raw food diets, I read about them and had some folks talk to me about it, blahblahblah,so i have considered it for about 30 seconds before. But in doing some research for an article I just finished on Diabetes and using alternative methodologies to prevent getting it and supporting those who have it, I came across this website and watched a clip. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ynXGA6fCEgU But basically it will be made into a full length film, chronicling the lives of some folks who went to a retreat center in Arizona and for 30 days they ate nothing but raw food and under the care of doctors by the end of their time there, they were all completely insilin free and cured from diabetes. I called around and checked it out, and it's true. I was really moved by this story. And felt inspired to do the same. Not that I have diabetes or anything like that... but it just was so empowering to watch these people transform their lives... astounding. So... yup. I now declare myself stove free. Take out the TV maybe I'll bring back the stove........ but until then ........bring on the carrots, it's gunna be a party!!!!!!!!!! Soooooo if things start getting a leeeetly bitchy around here, understand it's just the withdrawal from, hmmmm lets see, tofu, tofu cheese, soya milk, veggie burgers, pasta, tomato sauce, iced capachhinos.....OMG!!!! I forgot about Iced Caps..... holy.. ok, this may need revisiting Come by later, I'll see if I managed a day without an ice cap this could get ugly yikes bugzy |
| A few years ago, my friends had a farm where they ran a CSA, a community shared agriculture - which is like a food co-op. The garden was 2 acres... that was hard work I'll tell you. I still worked at the bank, and I would drive there 2 hours after work on Friday nights and stay the weekends and work and then drive back to the city Monday mornings. Occasionally I would go during the week after work too. They had a huge pond they dug out back and I used to get up at the crack of dawn and go for a swim. I remember watching the sun come up as I swam. It was gorgeous there. When it was too cold I swam with a wet suit on that they bought me. They were like my family. We had some really good times and we worked really hard those summers together. I miss them. They still have the farm, but its for sale now. Farming is a tough gig. Then when I moved to a farm, I had a huge garden!! One year a canned over 200 jars... phewf that was serious hard work but I loved it. I had an amazing garden there for 4 years. Eating organic veggies you grown yourself is heavenly. It just tastes sooo much better, even with the bugs! I remember once, having a city galfriend over for dinner including fresh picked broccoli and of course, half through her meal.. she found the worm hahahaha. I said it was cooked, it didn't matter, but she didn't quite feel the same way. One of those embarrassing moments she never let me forget. So when I moved out here, I mourned not have a veggie garden. Kinda tough to have one when your entire outside living space is about 20 x 10. But I decided I could still grow a few things in pots, tomatoes of course, lettuce, and herbs - dill, basil, chives, rosemary, thyme, oregano, parsley, and sage. Well the garden took a few beatings, with the wind and excessive rain last week. But tonight for dinner, I managed to partake in the first harvest of the summer.... and here it is in all its glory... ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** I know, I know, not enough to even feed a baby rabbit, still. it made me happy. And.... it tasted fabulous. AND I even got Dev to come down out of her TV dungeon for dinner. Ok I had to threaten her.. but still. I did actually see her for 5 1/2 minutes today. So for day 2 of having cable, it was a good day. Hoping to see her 7 minutes tomorrow....I have a plan... stay tuned to see what I am going to pull out of my hat. Bon appetite all cheers bugzy |
| For eleven years, I have lived without it. Sure there were times when I was a social outcast, but my charming personality saw me through those tricky moments. I may have been out of the loop around the water cooler, but one dazzling smile got me back with the in crowd. I missed stuff the odd time, but if I really wanted to know, I asked my mom. She has three, so was always up on the really important live changing things. There were ways of getting around it. Friends were pretty reliable. If I really, really needed it, they’d share theirs. But that hasn’t happened very often. Only one time that I can remember, when I HAD to have it. Not that I have been totally on my soap box, just life was fine and it didn’t seem that important to me. Well my kids will probably tell you differently – but it’s not something that I have missed all that much. It’s one less thing to worry about breaking, or wearing out. It’s easier to move houses without it, and we’ve moved a lot. My last one, I gave away I think and didn’t bother getting a new one. My house now is pretty small, so no room anyway. It hurts my head most times, like when I do go to my mom’s and they’re everywhere. Annoying for the most part. Some people think I’m weird for not having one. That doesn’t bother me, I am too busy most of the time. There are too many other more interesting things to do – and without it, you do other stuff. For Christmas last year, my brother gave Devann one. I was pretty darn mad. He asked me first and I said, no thanks. But he thought he knew best – so went behind my back. What was I supposed to do? It was Christmas Day!! It was a pretty big one, but it didn’t work anyway. It needed more parts and I was too cheap and stubborn to accessorize. So since Christmas it has kinda sat there, in her room, collecting dust and being sort of dumping ground for other things, like clothes and dishes and junk like that. But today all that changed. Today I caved. After eleven long, peaceful, happy years everything I have stood for has vanished. All that I believe, has now slipped away. I lay here in my room pondering this drastic life changing event. I know that Devann will never been seen or heard from again. I already mourn our relationship. It’s over. I sense that. After just a few short hours. I feel her pulling away. The odd laugh or grunt, or request for food, that’s all I get. That will be the extent of our family time now. It’s truly a sad day. I will mark August 3, down in my calendar as ‘the’ day. The day we got ‘cable’ I am at a loss for any more words. I need therapy. I may not come of this one. Please, send me your loving thoughts Dejected and rejected and replaced, I sign out... Sadly bugzy. |
| I worked at the YMCA for about a year as the Youth and Teen Program Director – I ran the pool, including the swimming lessons, aquafit classes etc. And I also ran all the gym programs for the kids. I also ended up doing a lot of work with the teens. We ran dances once a month and I started a Friday night drop in. We would have about 400 kids to the dances and sometimes 100 or so on a Friday night. We offered a snack bar, gym time, movie night, free swim and generally just a place for them to hang and get off the streets. The neighbours were never too happy and we got complaints about the kids all sprawled on the front lawn, but I loved those nights. I got to know a lot of those kids well. They would hang out in my office, try to bum money for pizza – I gave most of it away. We never made any money on the snack bar, but we broke even, so it was all good. It was pretty heart warming to see some of those bad-ass teenage boys sit around on my office floor and just chat about their lives. One Friday night, I was upstairs checking on the movie and one of the young teenage girls went to the snack bar and asked for a paper towel. When the astute gal working behind the counter probed her, she admitted her friend was bleeding. Well the gal ( who was a lifeguard ) ran down and got the first aid kit and told me something was up. Well within seconds the two young teenage girls were off – running across the street. So myself and one of my male guards followed suit. We had to go quite a way across the parking lot, and the school field to behind a building before we got her to stop and sit down. Turns out the gal, who was 14 had cut herself with an exacto knife, several times on her arm. We got her settled, called 911 and tried to figure out what happened. Of course she wouldn’t tell us her name – we recognized her but we didn’t know her by name. Eventually one of the other teens told us, and we called her folks. The ambulance, police and firemen came. It was quite a scene. They took her to the hospital… I never saw her again actually now that I think about it. But it was shortly before I quit there and moved out here. I was really freaked out though. Dev was the same age and I couldn’t stop thinking about it for months afterwards. We tried to figure out what happened and all we got was that it was about a boy. Her mom stopped by, as she wasn’t clear where they had taken her. She was younger than me. She was shocked. We chatted for a few minutes, just telling her what we knew. She was completely blindsided and said she didn’t see it coming. But on the other hand, she had not known that her daughter hung out there a lot on Fridays. She thought she was at her friend’s house. They weren’t members of the Y so I guess her daughter just came on her own with her friends. The young girl was tough looking I thought, with super jet black hair and black clothes and dark make up. Not that goth means troubled – but it is a statement. And her mom hadn’t know where she was, and was completely shocked that her daughter would have cut herself. Did she not see any warning signs that this was on the horizon? Would any parent see that coming? Would I? I would damn well hope so… but…. I am thinking of that girl tonight because, one of Dev’s friends was here last weekend. And I noticed her arm. She had cut marks. Not deep, more like scratches and I at first wondered if my dog had scratched her. Then the other night Dev mentioned that she was worried about her friend, that she had also noticed the cuts. Sigh…… I am so disheartened. So, I called her Mom tonight. I was worried and still am that this will not end well. Her Mom has anger issues and flies off the handle from what we have heard. The young girl asked Dev once if things got out of hand, could she stay with us. So needless to say I was a little tentative calling. Well her mom was shocked but also she seemed…. upset with me. No, not upset, annoyed maybe or angry. I don’t know. Maybe she knew and didn’t want anyone else to know as now she has to deal with it. I don’t know. I felt odd talking to her. It didn’t go well I don’t think. I asked her not to say that I had called. I hope she handles it well. I guess I’ll find out if the gal says something to Devann. Sigh….. Parenting is just right in my face lately it seems. Dev and I went to a meeting the other day for potential Foster Care Families. She wanted to find out more and started the whole thing. I am not sure I am stable enough to make any sort of commitment to something like that … it’s a huge deal. But we went to the information meeting – which was quite an eye opener for sure. It is a long and difficult process - which it should be don’t get me wrong. There is a very intense interview process and many people are involved – many people come into your home, you have to take a course, which can take up to two years to complete. I won’t get into all the details – but it’s phewfffff I agree it’s a necessary process to ensure kids are going to somewhere safe – although that’s debatable. I know some kids in the foster care system.. and it’s rough – but that a whole other topic. But my angst is when dealing with a few parents over my years of working with so many kids – anyone can have kids – well almost anyone, you know what I mean. And pretty much they can treat their kids however they like – even when they are doing things that are evil, it’s hard to get caught. I know I have called Children'’s Aid on parents a few times -–not a nice process for sure. I just don’t get it. People having children and then neglecting them, abusing them, just ignoring them. Hitting them, bullying them, yelling at them. It just breaks my heart. I am noooo perfect parent, don’t get me wrong. I struggle every day with choices I have made and will make. But at least I think. I think all the time, at the consequences and impact of my actions. When did some parents stop thinking? Where did people get lost? What happened to our sense of community? And family, where people looked out for one another. When did we lose track of our kids? Or was it always like this? This cutting thing is an epidemic in the town I moved from. The cops told me it’s rampant there. That shocked me. I don’t have any answers. Just thoughts and heartache for those kids who need to abuse themselves in that way. I hope Dev’s friend talks to her. And tells her what’s going on. I will keep an eye – but I don’t know what more I can do. That’s all a lot of us can do. Watch out for each other and don’t look the other way. Ok signing off now….with one eye open Cheers bugz ps.. if you've got a sec... run over to Ski -ster 's blog today.. he had a ... ahem... ghost writer today heehee |
| First of all I am severely hung over from Mr.Monk- GPs for the poor birthday party earlier.... so keep it down if you visit today ok? There was lots of shenanigans going on over there that I can't even remember now - something about lots of sex on the beach, people stripping off their speedos, pink hats, green tights, fuzzy bellys, beer nuts, singing and dancing and all in all things got completely out of hand, blogville style. So make sure you tiptoe around in here today - a few people suffering I'm sure. So a couple of other whammies hit me earlier on my already pounding head ... A job offer from a place I applied back in Feb finally reappeared and I was super happy.... a new company that was really looking like it was going to do some good work - environmental, social change stuff - the kind of place I think I would have loved to work and spread the love - well yahooo.. sure come write for us, we want you BAD.... uhuh... and the pay????? OH that... well ummm no, we don't have any money right now, but gosh, we can give you lots of exposure... YAH well I HAD ENOUGH EXPOSURE EARLIER AT MONK'S PARTY AND AT LEAST THERE I GOT DRINKS AND BEER NUTS AND GOT TO RUB A FUZZY BELLY!!!!! So basically that little blip of excitement was super short lived... bastards THEN..... I applied for an editing job that looked very promising. Ok first you have to edit a 7000 word MS as a test then if you pass we hire you. OK .. well that seemed reasonable SORT OF.. just call a place I already edit for and they'll tell you how great I am.. but I thought OK!!!! I spent @#$@#%@^^ hours on that damn thing - sent it in early and got an AUTO RESPONSE back.. "Unfortunately, I will not be extending an offer of employment at this time. I apologize that because of the sheer number of tests and applicants we have had, I am unable to offer individual feedback. I appreciate the time and effort you put into the testing process and wish you the best of luck in future endeavors." I soooooo want to rip them a response that DebW would be proud of... but #@#$% crap... NOPE can't ... too small a world out there, and can't afford any bad press. But man o man... I was a PISSSSSED off gal I'll tell yah. I just sincerely hope that it was only a test MS and that they aren't going to take my work and turn it into a sold MS that I edited for free. I am going to keep an eye on that site I'll tell you and if I see a similar story being published... well....yah... I probably wont do anything. So told yah.. no happy happy in here tonight. Did get a late night cheer up from a pal on here - gotta love different time zones and people who work weirder hours than me. So that made me feel a little better. And then got an email forward from fleckgirl that cracked me up. I am attaching the link - dont listen around small children.. the word fuck is predominant - but it was too funny as I was looking for this tape awhile ago - I used to have it - we ran self - help wahoo seminars about 10 years ago and we used to play this tape .. and I was trying to find it again and then .... wahooooo... fleck sends it to me .. what a gal.. she didn't even know I was looking for it.. haha http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jD0vJVWXGgY so flip flop - had a couple of good moments tonight, but all in all... going to bed now and don't make any sudden moves or loud noises or I will not be held responsible. no cheers just lots of grrrrrrrrs bugzy |
| Well a record number of comments hit this blogger in response to the whole controversial topic of winners and losers. Seems you guys like a little feistiness and bitch slappin’ it turns out. Although some of the later comments were just about drinking and getting silly, so those technically don’t count But after a brief interjection, we lost Grifter – I think he was scared off before the debate even got going. He did threaten to quit his job and devote his entire existence to thwarting little ole me. Which begs the question, why would ‘he’ want to ‘beat’ a gal who doesn’t agree with the whole concept of getting ‘beaten’?? That is an oxymoron, isn’t it??? And according to our moderator Ski -ster I can’t really even get involved and I quote…..“Hey If Bugz wins the debate.......the friendly debate (competition) has winners and losers right? It surely can not end in a tie......SOOOOO Bugzy can't win... because if she wins.......then she is supporting the other side of the debate(competition) ......now if she loses,,,,well ......... MMnn............................................................. .what will happen now?” Which sparked quite a lot of rowdiness in Grifter comment section – which involved, popcorn, beer, gps flying everywhere and I believe illegal side bets…. Last count Thea was throwing around 5000 gps to the ‘loser’!!!HELLO PEOPLE…. The whole point of my bloggy was NO COMPETITION … which just seemed to give you all amo to try to get Grifter and I into a competition!!! SheeeeeeshBut in all sincerity, there were some brilliant comments made (notwithstanding, just getting drunk and forgetting who was winning anyway) Ski -ster had some good points - When he coached, he didn't allow any bench-sitting, even if the kid sucked. So in other words, he put playing ahead of winning..... and he thinks he disagreed with me.... well we won't tell him that actually he is kinda agreeing with me..... He likes competing against himself when he runs though….. which reminds us that there is more than one of him anyway – so technically one of him probably loses , but then if the other one of him wins – then does he lose, or does he win.. or both?? hmmmmAnd we've got the fence sitters....SouthernDiva – but we know she likes cowboys, so that’s a not a surpriseAnd fleckgirl predicts that this debate will go on for days.. ... but me, I'm kinda hoping not Thea likes to play nice, as long as she gets to be on top ..hmmmmmBut we kinda lost ezseeker as he went into a world of bees, ants and cavemen.. I think he agrees – but not sure. I do have a new inkling to go off and become a princess though. welkerdeb just went dancing off to therapy – so I think she might have more to say after the new meds, that Mr.Monk- GPs for the poor reminded all of us that we forgot to take. But then she might turn into a capricorn, and those guys apparently are stubborn according to fleckgirl. Better than being full of shit which is what DntdKnight apparently is.Competitiveness brings out the violence in people .. case in point.... ljkam just likes to beat herself – that's can't be too pleasant But it seems the libras in the group welkerdeb , sweett and yours truly, just like juggling balls.. heehee Well.... here are a few of my latest thoughts... always subject to change. Most of us agree, it's a good thing to play nice with each other. I think it just nice to play with each other, or even by ourselves if we have to. Playing is good. And as the classic Libra through and through – I do see both sides, don't get me wrong. I do wonder about the pressure we are putting on ourselves. Let's talk about the 'pros'. It's tough to get into the big leagues. And to succeed in a world that is so rampant with competition and climbing the ladder of success. I agree with Mr Ski that not all pros are scum and the majority do give back to the community. But at what cost, have we created these icons? How many have succumbed to the pressure of being the best – what about the abuse of steroids – just look at the Tour de France for a blatant example. What kind of pressure where those folks up against that made them cheat and jeopardize their own health and maybe their lives? To balance again – I will tell you that after Devann's experience at the alternative schools in Toronto, she ended up in a regular public school for a few more years. It was hell for her. She didn't know how to stand up for herself against bullies. She was not prepared to be teased, cut up, put down, roughed up, used and laughed at. Her transition into 'real life' was torture – for her and me. Was it a mistake to not let her grow up with that kind of crap, from the get go -- so she could have been tougher? I don't know. I still feel that foundation of spending the first few years of school in a gently, loving, non-competitive environment still benefited more than it was a disadvantage. I wish she had not had such an abrupt transition, that's for sure. And really I still think it is a damn shame that a lot of schools are just breeding grounds for so much bullying. Well... it's late and not sure how much more I have to add. I am anxious to see my what my team mate Grifter comes up with. And in the meantime, I think there's a few of us who will just crack a beer and watch the goings on... the blog comments are WAY more interesting than anything else I can come up with at this point!! So pull up a chair and hang out!! cheers! bugz |
| I was pretty pumped after last night's blog entry and the comments posted... even if Grifter said that I 'bitch-slapped' him... hmmmm... do I sense a little competitiveness there?? hahaha But I got thrown for a loop earlier tonight and my brain lost that focus. Dev emailed me this poem. And.. well I don't really have the brain space now to talk about what I was going to. So I will continue the 'debate' tomorrow. I have a few more thoughts, well I had them... will try to find them again later. For now... these are some thoughts that Dev wrote after getting an email from Michael. To daddy dearest We need to put this love to a rest I'm tired and confused And feel constantly used I know you only meant well But the words were to hateful to tell You want a relationship now? That’s something I won't allow To be so mean in the past And now you want the love to last? I'm sorry but I have to go I can't believe you sunk that low I loved you at first Cause love was my only thirst But now I see You had no intention of loving me I know this poem will never be seen But that part of my heart has to be clean For the next person to come along I shall make sure not to be wrong. Funny because she didn't know that I had written him the great purge that I didn't mail the other day. We went out to the pub... I didn't feel like working after this. We chatted. Dev asked if something happened to Andrea and if she died, if he would ever be held responsible. I said no, it just didn't work like that. Dev has a little girlfriend who suffers a lot at the 'hand's of her step mom, but since there's never any physical evidence, she feels stuck. That gal's situation breaks my heart and we have had many many talks with her and about her, trying to decide how we can help. CAS has been called on her step mom before, and nothing changed... it just made it soo much worse for the little girl - long story. She has 3 more years before she can move out, so she is just doing her best to bide her time. I hope she makes it in one piece. She is no longer allowed to hang out with us, because her step mom, 'knows' I am onto her. What is wrong with people?????? I asked Devann what she wanted to do now, whether I should do anything. But she doesn't want to 'do' anything. She just wants Michal to go away. Sooooo we will just stop contact, he will get the hint, and we will just continue on with our lives and move on. Counting our blessings for our lovely, peaceful life we have now and that we had the courage and strength to get away. Others aren't so lucky. I send them all a prayer tonight. So I'm heading to bed early. To my early morning friends, I will see you when I wake up later on. good night bugzy |
| Competition The other day, I made a comment in here that I was not a big fan of competition. Well that caught the attention of our friend, Grifter And he asked me to elaborate. Now we know he is fan of the 'debate', which to be honest, I suck at. I am a Libra, so I see both sides to everything – so with 'facts' alone, I am easily swayed back and forth. I usually resort to any decision making to what my 'gut' says. For example, when I became a vegan about 17 years ago....it just seemed like the right thing to do. When I decided not to immunize my kids – same thing. And when I took my son out of school and home schooled, him, my intuition told me to do that... same when it was 'time' for him to go back. When I lived on a farm, I decided to eat animals that we raised – but since leaving there, I am back to being a vegetarian. So the whole idea of competition, is the same for me. When I loved in Toronto, I was very lucky to find the 'alternative' school option for Devann. So from grade one to four she attended school where there were no tests, no competitions, no contests, no report cards and coincidentally no bulling, teasing or cliques. When I took my yoga teacher training, non-competitiveness was a part of it for sure and when I started my kids yoga summer camp, that seemed to naturally become a big part of what we tried to 'teach'. I can't say that I studied all the pros and cons – I read a few books on the subject – can't remember the names, and they are still in boxes 'at the farm'...grrr. But I did do a lot of research on acquiring non competitive games and compiling my own 'book.' It wasn't that easy.... I had to dig deep to get past the win-lose mentality that is so prevalent in children's activities. But I did... we played a lot of the same games but with a new twist – co-operative volleyball, meant when you hit the ball over the net, you ran under and switched teams. We counted the number of volleys that both 'teams' managed together... we kept track and tried to bet our own previous record. We played tag team crochet, we played a new version of golf, where we worked together to move that ball along to the next hole. At first it was tough.. tough for the camp counselors even to 'change' their language.. no more.. wahoo, you win; no more segregated praise for someone doing something 'better'. But they got it and even invented some amazing co-operative games that we used year after year. Some of the kids had a hard time too at first – I am sure some of the ones used to 'winning' all the time, never liked it. But the ones that were used to 'losing' sure did. We didn't pick teams the traditional way – we didn't use that as a popularity contest. I think there are quite a few of us – myself included, who were one of the last to be chosen for a team. I remember many times in that dreaded line up ... waiting to be chosen, begging not to be the last one – the default player. I moved around a lot as a kid – and so getting into the popular crowd, wasn't in the cards for me. So at my camp we used random ways to get into teams – sometimes we counted off, sometimes we asked questions – who's birthday was in January, who liked pepperoni pizza... sometimes we played a game to put them into groups then those groups became teams. Some kids are naturally more gifted in one area or another, whether it be artistically or athletically. When those who are less athletic are still given the opportunity to play some game and be part of a co-operative win, just watch their self esteem soar. When we did certain art projects together as a team, those who couldn't draw could still watch a masterpiece take shape. Even when we put on plays, those who were shy and didn't want to act, were still part of the production in some fashion – we didn't hold auditions – everyone was part of the final show. As a team we had a lot of discussions – even to plan the day and activities (to a point of course). Ond day we let them decide to completely reverse the order of farm chores upon one child's suggestion – that child felt empowered to influence the group and making a change. That child was also part of the decision the next day to change things back, because we all realized the new way sucked! Haha Each child had a voice and at the end of the day, we held a debrief. Each one had an opportunity to speak about their day, what worked, what didn't work, what they would do differently the next day. Through equal play, and equal importance in the 'team', I found shyer children found their voices. With the non-competitive atmosphere, those who were used to hiding in the background suddenly came forward – they spoke out, they played more, they felt more important. I remember one child who was painfully shy and got teased a lot at school. His mom used to drive 45 mins to bring him in the morning, 45 mins home, then at the end of the day she did the same. She said over the summer, he had completely changed. He was not so withdrawn, he had more confidence, more self esteem. He was always being put down at school, always being made fun of because he was a slight boy, not very athletic. I watched many children become empowered. I had one girl with ADHD and autism do so well that her worker no longer stayed with her during the day – she wasn't needed anymore. This young girl was not segregated, she was allowed and encouraged to be part of the team. She was talented in ways that had not been realized before when she was allowed to explore her creativity out of the confines of normal competitive activities. Her mom canceled ( and lost money ) on other camps she had enrolled her to keep coming to ours. She came the whole next summer too. I watched children self police, help each other master yoga poses, speak to each other when one was acting inappropriately. No one was considered 'better' and if someone had a skill that others didn't have, they were encouraged to teach others. But one's skill was used to help the team, not to show that they were better than the rest. Their skill become the team's skill. When one child couldn't do something, figure out a game, then the rest of the team helped them along. When we played a game where one person was obviously more skilled, sometimes we gave them a handicap. One game I forget what it was called, it involved moving the group across a space, one child knew the answer to the trick, so they were blind folded so they couldn't see the path and therefore couldn't cheat. Working together, they learned to get the chores done faster. If one of the children acted out, the team sat down and had a discussion. They realized if one team member did something, that it affected the whole team. They encouraged each other to adhere to the guidelines of the camp and if one didn't the team got in on it. We had committee, if things got out of whack. The children learned to mediate and discuss conflicts. We had guidelines not rules and although I had 3 main ones, the children got do discus and decide how they would be implemented – for example we had one that stated, “we stay together.” That meant that we didn't allow anyone to self-segregate. I remember one child who decided to sit out of a game... at the end of the day, another child called him on it. She said, “I didn't like when he didn't play with us. He made the game less fun for the rest of us and we missed him.” That child didn't sit out of another game after that. Well I went on a rant, and not sure if I even explained my real thoughts on non-competition clearly. All I know is for 3 summers I watch children change dramatically. I watch the shy ones, become more confident. I watched the confident ones become less cocky and more helpful. I watched ones who were suffering, work through it – one child's parents were divorcing and all he wanted to do was sit inside a barrel... since he was not allowed to segregate himself, a few of the other children used to push the barrel around so that he stayed with us, even if he refused to participate. I think somewhere else he would have been teased for that behaviour. At our camp, the children wanted him to part of the group. He came out of the barrel after a few days. I miss those kids. I miss watching them grow and live and laugh and be free. I know they benefited from our philosophies even for the short time some were with us. I know I did. But my opinion is never stagnant, and I am always open to new information. So Grifter bring on the debate.. I can take it  One of my own favorite sayings is... “This is my truth today; tomorrow it may change.” Cheers and play nice bugzy |
| Between writing an article on Alternative Energy Sources... yahoooodedoo and chatting and blogging and emailing, and an hour on the phone to my internet provider to get Dev's new puter all hooked up.......I wrote an email to my ex... Michael. He had written to me earlier today about Dev's birthday - first of all he thought it was last month (duh) and now he doesn't have her email addy anymore (double duh) so he wrote me. He included his usual digs and crap and it just got to me ... again. So I started a response, all nice with an update, pics etc. But it took a turn all on its own. Some of his comments just hit a nerve and I started spewing. I wanted him to know about his affect on people. I guess worrying so much about little Andrea was part of it.... and.... thinking lately about how less stressed out Devann and I are, was another part of it. He is living in a world of delusion, completely oblivious to the lives he affects and the damage he has caused. I wanted him to know how 'sick' Andrea and I got because we let him control us. I wanted him to know how my friends wouldn't come over and why. I wanted him to know how much I have suffered this last year, how many nights I've cried and agonized and blamed myself for what happened. I wanted him to know how I rehashed over and over in my mind what I did wrong, what I did to contribute to the ending of our relationship. I wanted him to understand that it took two of us to create the happiness and love that was there in the beginning and that it took two of us to kill it. It wasn't just my 'fault.' I just wanted him to know. So I wrote it all out. Not from a place of blame, not from a place of being a victim. But really from a heart felt place - so he could know how much I suffered and how much I wish things had been different. I felt empowered writing it. I felt empowered thinking I was clearing the air and letting go of all the crap I have held inside me all this time. I felt empowered speaking out and finally stopping all the withholds. But when I scrolled over the send button.... I couldn't do it. I wanted to ... but I couldn't. Words from friends here whispered in my mind. Words that spoke of it not making a difference to him. Words explaining that it would make things worse - he would retaliate, burn my stuff still stored there, crash my website he still has access to.... words that warned that it wouldn't be worth it. So I did a rare thing tonight. I listened. I pressed the "save to draft" button and I left it there. I will sleep on it and perhaps send it tomorrow. Perhaps not. cheers bugzy |
| Yup after being awol for weeks and missing Dev's sleep over party it decided to come home. Or more correctly, come out of hiding. Where was it you might ask? Does anyone here have a teenager? Uhuh.. yup in her ROOM!! Where I said it would be!!! grrr I didn't even have to say, I told you so .. she said it for me. Today was the 'actual' birthday. We went on a little foot passenger ferry to a little nearby island where a few people live ( without cars !!). But the claim to fame is the Dingy Dock Restaurant. The only way to get here is by boat. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Here are the two gals ( who were fighting BIG time at the last party .. but have made up like all good friends do ) drinking some sort of 'cocktail' ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** The food was fabulous and it was a gorgeous and sunny day. It was one of those meals where we just sat and ate and drank and relaxed. If you missed the ferry back .. or it was too full...like happened to us, it just meant you got to sit back and relax for another hour until the next ferry came by. But best of all, I didn't work all day!! Wahoo.. of course am WAY behind now.. it will be along night, but it was worth it. cheers and corona.. yum yum bugzy p.s. I think a ray of sunshine followed me all day! I was soooooo inspired by all the lovely comments from yesterday's blog. And the generosity of spirit that was shown to DntdKnight Wow... I was smiling and filled with a deep sense of happiness and renewed faith in mankind. How fabulous. Thanks to you all.  |
| Years ago, I had a bumper sticker on my car that said, Practice Random Acts of Kindness and Senseless Acts of Beauty. People all the time used to beep their horns or stop to mention it. I hadn't thought of that for quite some time, until yesterday when DntdKnight told me about his plans for today. He sent me this email earlier, which he said I could share with you all. "Ok I am so awe inspired by the amount of feedback we received so quickly after we set our random acts of kindness in motion. With each item we gave a card saying "this random act of kindness was done in memory of Isaac Daniel Greenlaw" with his birth and death dates and a link to his memorial website. First let me begin by saying that we ended up doing eighty things. Not eighty different things but 13 different things but delivered 80 total times... err hard to explain let me break it down...we bought 9 parking stickers at our hospital and gave them out to 9 different peeps. Those peeps no matter how long they were at the hospital got to be there without paying. Then we bought 6 little bags of M & M's and had Tyler (the seven yr old) distribute them out to various children he happened upon. Next we had purchased 12 coloring books and 12 packs of crayons (24 count). At the hospital we visted the pediatric sections and gave away most of the coloring books and crayons to different children units. With the remaining 2 coloring books and crayons Tyler gave them to two boys who were walking around the hospital with their mom. She was very grateful as were they. We purchased 2 gas cards (a hot commodity these days) and gave them to 2 people outside a pharmacy. We purchased 24 carnations and handed them throughout our grocery store, hospital, pharmacy until we had gotten rid of them all. We went through a Burger King drive through bought our food, then purchased the food of the car behind us and gave the teller a card to give to them. At Wegman's a popular grocery chain we purchased 4 gift cards and told the cashiers to give the cards to whoever they wanted to. We purchased bags of mixed candy and made 6 red bags of candy. We delivered them to our church, and places at the hospital. Also randomly distributed were 3 big bags of Twizzlers 2 bags of cookies and 3 pens. Lastly we made cookies and gave out 2 bags to our neighbors up the street. Already Isaac's website got 10 new visitors. We even saw two new testimonies from people who had received our gifts of kindness. Many people have called as well. I sort of felt like a celebrity cuz as we were doing these things people recognized us from the news and offered condolences. I have never been a part of something so beautiful and moving (except for Isaac's birth) in all my life." DntdKnight I have no words to say how this has touched my heart. Eighty acts of kindness if a few short hours.... wow. How many of us have done that many in our whole lives? Mark would probably have posted this in his port, but his membership expired. He has applied to RAOK here and has not heard. So I am asking if anyone has an 'in' with those guys... I don't think I know of another person on here that deserves a membership renewal more than him. So I am putting it out there. blessings bugzy |
| Ok.. so you think you can trick me, eh?? Well.... nope... I am on to all of you and your 'blogville' conspiracy. You think you can vote me as the purger of the month and get me alll mushy and lovey, dovey and make me cry and THEN, when I am NOT looking you think you can try and make ME wear some 'ahem' red and gold CROWN.....and squish the hair.....HAH..... that would be NOOOOOOO!!!! Unlike sweett who we KNOW has an affinity for wearing goofy things on her head, obviously oblivious ( wow that's a mouth full ) to the 'hair', I am not going to succumb to your blatant trickery. Nice try all. Better luck next month people. Plus .....getting a look at how @#$$% gorgeous that crown looks like on Nada while she is ahem... in her birthday suit in her 'spa'... I am thinking, I sooooo can't compete, so I am soooo ok if you keep it doll and wear in the way, to which it is accustomed. But seriously folks, for ok a second or two. I was really taken aback and sort of almost speechless. Those who perhaps know me a little better than others, know I am not big on... popularity contests, I wasn't going to say this but well.... I am anyway. I am a proponent of the whole groovy, peace and love, non-competitive way of living and try to follow that creed. I ran a summer camp for kids where the premise was completely about co-operation and non-competitiveness. It was hard to 'live' with kids that only came for a week or two, but without a doubt by the end of whatever time they spent with us... I know they benefited from that philosophy. When someone wins, that can only mean that someone loses. Which sucks. So that's enough about that really... I accept the honour bestowed on this humble purger of crap and graciously allow Nada to be the safe keeper of the crown but only on the condition that you all share it with me. I wouldn't be here sharing my crap if no-one was listening. AND you guys give me great material.... the comments you all leave on here are probably what bring in the readers even more than what I have to say!!! You guys KILL me!! So I will make this a short one tonight. I have lots of work to do yet before I shut down ( got another paid gig today yahooo!! ) But I will ask for two small favours before I sign out, if I may. My little friend Andrea, who some may remember as being the young gal who was abused by my 'ex', before my time ( when she was a child ), is back in the hospital tonight. She has anorexia and is having kidney failure and this is the second time this month that she has been admitted. I am very, very sad. It will seem unfair that after a twist of fate brought us together that we will not be able to meet. She lives an 8 hour drive from me... and if it weren't for $$ I would drive there this weekend and visit. But at least, I will ask, if you are compelled to send her healing thoughts. She has had a rough 26 years of her life and.... well I guess that's all I can say. And, July 25th is the one year anniversary of the day that DntdKnight 's little baby Isaac died. He is going to have a rough time .... and it would be nice if we could all keep him in our thoughts and help him through this day. Here is a link to a recent newscasthttp://www.whec.com/article/stories/S148394.shtml?cat=566 Perhaps thinking of these friends has made me so reflective of my own parenting skills and my own children lately. How fragile we are, how fragile children are and how fragile life is. One thing this blog has brought to me.. well a few things, including some fabulous friends.... but one thing stands out right now... and that is the opportunity to take a moment and reflect and be grateful for all I have. Thank you all bugzy ps.. just saving this when I got a super cool cnote from zwisis I'd attach it here somehow.. but that is beyond my brain power.. so I dunno .. take my word for it.. its way cool!! xox |
| Wow... again I was blown away from comments I received yesterday. I felt overall that the party was a disaster and Dev claims the same. Maybe I misrepresented it in my blog - because I'll tell ya, your comments really made me see the whole thing in a different light. But that started to make me think how I represent myself on here in general and I guess I do want to be seen as such a great gal and mom... but the 'truth' and my 'past' tells a different story. When I found out I was pregnant when I was 25 I was devastated. I was a big time career gal, and kids were not in the cards. Of course I came around and was ecstatic when my son was born. But I went back to work before the 3 month maternity leave was even up. I lost my job that I had before he was born... and I was pissed and I resented him big time ... but the day I lost that one, I walked right across the street to a better one. My marriage didn't survive my obsession with work and I was not the one to 'raise' my son for the first 3 years of his life. Nope, I was too busy climbing that corporate ladder. I didn't do mom very well and the whole wife thing just sucked big time. So I stayed, late, worked weekends and buried my head. Single again, when my son was 4 didn't change my life much. I went to work, he went to day care and babysitters and his Dad's. I think I got better - I remember having good times with him and found myself leaving work earlier and I did get a job that although I rotated working weekends, I had time off. Things were ok. I planned Devann, knew I would be having her 'alone' and that was good by me. I got laid off again from the bank, so I was lucky and stayed home with her. I did odd things and managed not to work until she was 5. Then the evil bank took me over again. It was soon back to long days, weekends and craziness. Single again, a day in my life went like this - get up at 7am, drag Dev on a streetcar or two, drop her off at daycare at 8, get to work. Dash out of work at 5:45 to pick her up usually late at 6pm. Streetcar back to work after stopping to pickup dinner somewhere. Plunk her in a boardroom with a video, after eating at my desk. Some nights she slept under my desk. One night a week her violin teacher would come to my office and Dev would have her lesson in a board room. Many nights in the cab home, she would fall asleep. I'd put her to bed and stay up for a few more hours working usually til 2am or so. Next day... press replay. This went on for years. What a life.. it was total bullshit. I got laid off ... again and walked away from banking forever but not from my workaholicness Fast forward..... great new life in the country. Low stress right? Huh.. .no. I managed to be the only stressed out yoga teacher... at one point I had 22 classes a week of different things, yoga, pilates, aquafit, swimming instruction - and when do people want classes? During the day?.. well a few - but nights were huge. I was out every week night for years. Who was taking care and spending time with Devann?? Not me. Some days, later when I was working at the Y, same scenario - rush over pick her up from school, drag her to work, picking up dinner along the way, she would hang out, have a swimming lesson maybe, while I ......worked. Fast forward - life now. I work.. maybe I don't get paid much, but I work. I write and research and edit crap all day and all night. Sure I goof off, I blog, I write emails, I chat, but what am I not doing??? Hanging with Dev.. that's what. The other night when she wanted me to braid her hair, I was sooo late on a deadline, I actually said to her, "I don't have time to braid your hair right now." What kind of crap is that???. I did braid it, but did she feel important?. I highly doubt it. We have some good times together for sure. When she can tear me away from this @#$%^ laptop, we can chat, eat dinner together, maybe play scrabble under duress. But tonight, she made her own dinner at 9pm. She's watching movies like she does all the time - we dont have TV and her puter is still broken. But quality time today???.. hmmm. .. the drive to and from her work, we talked - about her party mostly...the bad girl called to apologize actually.. so that was a win today.....we walked up to the marina to use the bathroom - ours is still pooched .... we filled out some online paperwork for next year's school.... umm... that's about it. Not much. Pathetic actually. So you can say.. yahdayahda.. you're a great mom, look at her. But forget it... she's a great kid "despite me". You know what the heck she did tonight.... she was up in her room for along time playing music and I asked her a couple of times what she was doing and she just said nothing..... I was doing her laundry, when she came down and made me close my eyes...... and hold out my hands. She made a big production out of it.... then she handed me a huge bristol board card she had made me.... It just says MOM.. on the outside and inside it is covered in hearts and says, I love you more than you will ever know. I am having a few tears at this moment. I honestly, and truly feel that I do not deserve that. I think there is something deep down inside her that has grown and expanded and has made her so astounding with such a capacity for acceptance and forgiveness that is beyond anything I will ever accomplish. And sorry folks... she didn't get that from me. I wasn't going to bother with this crap.. but still I need to get this out. I am sad at this moment, but I had a pretty awesome day really. I got two merit badges today that really. truly blew me away. My dear friend and comrade in a lot of crap sharing... DntdKnight gave me a journaling badge for my purging.. that will only encourage me you know that right?? silly you!And my new friend sweett gave me a friendship badge... sigh.... aren't I just the luckiest gal these days?? So I will leave you with this little video that my daughter and her friend made the other day.. just copy this link, it should work.. it made me crack up. http://s182.photobucket.com/albums/x144/_O-o_/Darling%20Darla/?action=view&curre... Isn't it just a miracle that despite of ourselves we can still raise great kids??? sorry partyof5dj I did it again. cheers...going up to give dev a hug bugz |
| Ok, I hereby agree, in writing, not to make any more decisions in my life, before consulting with you all on here first. I believe if I had taken a consensus, the majority would have ruled that inviting a 'boy' to a girl's 15 year-old sleep over birthday party was a bad idea and I should have/would have listened. Aha.. so that sums it all up doesn't it? But I know you want .. details! So here is a run down. The High Lights: * Devann saying, "I love you mom" in front of her friends * . yup true * Making breakfast for the gang * One of the gals said, "You are the greatest mom. If we were at my house, my mom would have thrown us some money and told us to get lost." sigh. I love cooking for people and really miss having people for dinner. I used to do that a lot, but my last 'ex' didn't like having people over, sigh, and since moving here, I haven't had anyone over for dinner. Sort of odd to do as a 'single' person not sure why. Maybe I will invite the neighbours anyway.. was going to wait til I had my renos done or til a boy was here - but hmmm.... might forget how to cook if I wait til then.. so yah, ok, maybe a party is in the works. I'll let you know. * Taking the kids on the boat * My neighbour was great. He toured us around and showed us all around the little islands. He showed us the local beaches and pubs.. yahoo.. some you can boat over to. So we checked out which ones had mooring options.... I see a pub crawl happening at some point. Maybe his galfriend and a few other neighbours will make a tour.. that could be fun. The kids seemed to have a good time, although I wasn't too sure - but Dev told me today that she did enjoy it a lot. I took some great pics with one of the gals cameras, but couldn't download them here because we didnt have the right cord... so will have to show them later. * Hearing the laughter * There were several moments when they were having soooo much fun. Whether it was watching a movie, on the boat or just talking, sometimes the laughing would just be so joyous, it made my heart sing. * Finding out Devann was such a clown * I haven't seen her interact around her friends for awhile. She is quite a card when she gets going. There was one point last night, when I was in bed, and not 'listening' but I couldn't help but overhear her. She was talking in a very hilarious accent, something between a valley girl and someone who had just swallowed a gallon of cough syrup - I don't remember her words and prob good that I can't - body parts were prevalent.. her friends were getting annoyed, but I was cracking up. This morning one of them was saying how ridiculous she was and she kept sort of dozing off and then after a few seconds she would wake up and keep right on going. She is one funny gal. * When Dev read from one of my books "Sally Go Round the Sun" * It's a kid's song book - she was reading some rhymes out loud and it was hilarious - get this one..... Inky, Pinky, Ponky Daddy bought a donkey Donkey died Daddy cried Inky Pinky Ponky or how bout this one..... Rose are red violets are black You'd look better With a knife in your back Ok... this book was written in 1969 ...and these are rhymes for kids.... no wonder all kids are messed!!! But we had a good laugh reading some of these.. * Just having people around * I love our life, I really do. Sometimes though I wish for Devann to have more kids to hang out with. And I genuinely like her friends for the most part. It was nice for her to have someone to hang with - go run around outside late at night, have someone to talk to, do stuff with and just chat. * When the kids went swimming * Man that was hilarious and we have great pics that will come later. They tried to entice me, but I checked the temp and didn't tell them til later.... 60 degrees!!!!!!!! YUP. and there was NOOOO frickin way I was going in. I can't believe Dev went in, she said she would NEVER swim here. But her friends egged her on and off she went. It was pretty funnny.. they were very, very cold. And it was hard to get out as we don't have a ladder. Dev couldn't do it, so they ended up having to swim to the very end of the dock and around to the other side to climb out a neighbour's ladder. I was very proud of Dev as she can be quite a chicken and quite stubborn. I was glad she did it... now when it warms up, I will have a swim buddy!! Well....now the Low Lights!! and they are nasty!! * Major Migraine * Haven't had migraines since I was in my 20s. But I have had two this week. I could barely drive home Friday night - if Dev had been in the car, I might even had let her drive.. well not, but i thought about it. I had to drop the kids at the amusement park and go home to bed. They had to take a cab home and pretty well had to fend for themselves. I managed to get up and make pizza about 10oclock. They seemed ok with it, but I felt bad. * The toilet went kaput!!!! * Grrrrrrr... too many teenage girls I guess. I went to ask a neighbour, who said he couldnt fix it, but there was a guy called Chris who could, but he didnt know which boat he lived on, but said we could go look. So off we went and lo and behold walking straight for us.. was Chris!! Yeah... so we were heading out on the boat, so Chris said he would just stop by later. Well, its sort of working, requiring a manual process - not as gross as it sounds - and he will come back tomorrow after he goes into town to get the part. These toilets are very complicated..... sigh... but we should be good to go tomorrow again.. thank God for great neighbours.. * Ok.. the biggie... the 'boy' situation.* I won't go into all the details, but suffice to say one of the 'girls' who came is boy crazy. I knew that, but it sort of slipped my mind. She has been over a few times and Dev hangs with her a fair bit. She's a nice girl for the most part, but she talks about boys constantly. She has had them over to her house when her mom has not been home... and I have worried about her a lot. She doesn't have a lot of supervision and is constantly going out with this boy, then this boy etc. You get the picture. Well the 'boy' who was invited is one of Dev's good friends and has a girlfriend. I thought.. dumb me... that that somehow made him 'safe'. Well.... little Ms Boy Crazy did her thing and the 'flirting' started. Even I noticed it. By Saturday night, it had gotten ridiculous and Dev was in tears. She said several times for them to cut it out, and it was making her very uncomfortable. Long story short, I was told not to say anything... but..... I did anyway. I made him sleep in the living room and told him I was prepared to take him home even in the middle of the night. And that I expected someone with a girl friend to act more appropriately. It didn't seem to help really - things were awkward after that. I didn't allow them to sneak off alone or even watch a movie alone. I 'made' them come to the living room and play games.... hahahaa.. what a joke. Which brings me to the next low light.... * Kids can't amuse themselves these days. * This isn't a new one for me, but I thought I could bring them along. If it doesn't involve a computer ( thank goodness dev's was broken or they would have been glued to that ) or a DVD - they were lost. I got out all the board games and cards ... they were NOT interested. I made them play cards.. but that was like pulling teeth. I have a whole bookshelf of kids books of games... from my Kids Summer Camp days.. I am the queen of games... but zilch... it was torture watching them play cards. It didn't last long and they returned to watch movies they had seen before....and that made me sad. * Rain * And we didn't have a plan B. The bonfire Saturday night didn't happen. That might have made a difference, if we could have been outside more. * * * * * But I felt good this morning when I made breakfast and tried to be my cheery self even when faced with a very annoyed young lady who gave me the evil look. I don't hold a grudge and after awhile she perked up. They went swimming today and seemed to get along alright. Dev and I talked on the way home. I felt bad. She said it was the worse party of her life. I tried to get her to tell me her highlights - she did admit to a few good moments. But overall I think she has been left with a bad taste in her mouth. This girlfriend is moving to Calgary next month and Dev had been really sad about it. Sometimes things happen that seem so odd, but perhaps in some weird way this was supposed to happen so Dev won't miss her so much. I don't know. I hope in time, she will remember the laughing more than the tears. All I know at this point is, for the 16th birthday party, I am moving out. So that's it. It's quiet here tonight. I am sad in one way, but very proud of Devann regardless. She is still such a joy to me and I am very lucky she is in my life. Well that's it. At least I won't have to yell, "OK guys keep it down now!" And I am sure my neighbours are happy it's quiet too tonight. Off to sleep myself, that was exhausting. See you all soon. cheers bugzy |
| I posted an ad for an illustrator for Darla's books and got so many applicants, I stopped looking at them. But one caught my eye today.. turns out she lives in a float house right down the road from me. Ok technically right down the ocean from me. How funny is that? Her drawings are fabulous. I am hoping to get together this weekend with her. I have lots of ideas .. I am going to self publish this series I have decided and will offer partial proceeds to a worthy charity, like the “Build a Fence for Darla” so she doesn't fall in and drown and end the series, or the “Mortgage Foundation for Poor Writers” so Darla has a place to live. Living off the avails of your dog..... hey I may be onto something here. I already have Devann working to pay the mortgage and if Darla pays the marina fees, and I get say two more dogs to work .. I was going to find extra kids.. but they eat too much, dogs are cheaper, especially if I just let them catch their own food off the edge of the dock... speaking of which I saw the otter with a crab in his mouth today.. that was sooo cool.. i am soooo mad that our camera hasn't come home from its vacation yet.. that would have been a great pic... ok anyway back to my money making scheme.. so yes 2 more dogs, one pays the misc bills, and the other is for extra curricular activities, to keep me in the lifestyle I am accustomed. Ok so post another ad on Craiglist for a working dog and I'm all set. Yahooo.. life of leisure here I come. Other than that, Diabetes article outline done and sent, she pays well but has to approve every single word and changes her mind on the slant of the article 10 times, so i got smart and do outlines only til she gets it how she wants it and might as well written it herself but still pays me... so its all good......skulked around blogville looking for some good dirt (phewf found some heehee ) and did some research for my next smut piece  and all in all busy busy day. This weekend, however will be a complete write off.. I may have to move out. I have the... yes.... the 15 year old birthday party event of the year at my house... not just one day, not two but yes “3” days.. how did that happen exactly? Seems these birthday party plans of Devann's mutate and I am just an innocent bystander. So this is the plan , I drive around Friday picking up wayward children, including yes.... a boy.... god strike me down for that one... no clue in the world how that happened, she must have slipped something in my iced tea – and I am not allowed to pick up him up first because... "God mom .. that is gross,,, it will be tooo embarrassing for him to be in the car with you by himself.!!"  then.....pick up Dev from work, take the motley crew to the local race track so they can drive go carts and play mini golf and go to the driving range and be unruly on someone else's property – while I .. gosh, don't know ....be anywhere but there..  soo...guess that means, laptop in the parking lot.... Then pick up when instructed, back to the float house which may not survive the weekend without tipping and wouldn't you know the house insurance doesn't included tipping over.. what else could possibly go wrong with a float house except to sink.. cheating bastards – anyway.... hopefully the extra ropes we tied up with the last time we broke away will hold us up good .... so the night will entail the usual party food, pizza, chip, ice cream sundaes.... loads of movies, more crap food  and hopefully sleep will ensue sometime... actually its better they not.. I want to hear them... especially the boy!!!!  god... so next day, its homemade, banana chocolate chip pancakes, then off for a cruise with a way-too-nice-neighbour with a boat, who may not like me after, for a jaunt around. Then barbecue at the communal fire pit with bonfire, smores, late night antics involving the playground, probably some rowdiness in the parking lot and the usual dark outside summer nonsense, until someone yells... where are your parents?!?!?  Sunday, at some point.... hash browns, eggs, toast, bacon (for the meat eaters ) veggie sausages for me then pile the hopefully-happy- and still completely intact girls and BOY back in the car to be disposed of wherever they are meant to be. So if you don't hear from me for a few days, you will know that I have voluntarily committed myself somewhere other than here. Happy Friday all....cheers bugz |
| Bugzy's Bloggyville Blabbing will be launching it's premiere edition this month in the Blogville News. So in case you feel like you are being watched ... it's cause you are. So this is final call for last minute payoffs to this reporter to keep your name and your crap out of it. Otherwise you may get your 5 lines of fame - and I encourage all of you to spice up your blogs, throw in a little scandal or just write like you usually do - there is enough entertainment out there for several editions. And in case you are thinking of suing... forget it. I will deny, deny, deny and bugzy is a fictional character so good luck in proving any correlation to any other person you may think you know... won't happen. So news in my life you ask so enthusiastically?? Not much. Update on my ahem... working life as it is..... I got an assignment today for the health magazine I write for... an article on diabetes... again. I wrote one this time last year. A bit boring but pays waaay better than the smut I write, go figure. And I love that mag .. wish it was monthly instead of quarterly. Signed with a new publishing house today for one smut piece and am currently researching for another one.... the research for this work is waaaay more fun than it is for diabetes that's for sure. I realized that I now have 3 articles due by the 25th of this month, not sure how that happened. I am trying hard to focus but the research is distracting.. I did send in my novel the other day to another publisher in Boston – they look pretty groovy and so fingers crossed there. They only take 2-4 months to reject but I know they are going to be so glad when I make them famous. Darla's poetry book that has been sent out.. is still waiting. But I may self publish this one. I have advertised for an illustrator and have received some absolutely astounding applications.. wow.. what a lot of talent out there. Some of it is odd.. that is for sure... and some want to meet for coffee to show their drawings,.. it is my mind or wasn't that a ploy from like 20 years ago – “Come up to my place and I'll show my etchings?” So that would be ummm ... no. Darla may not live to see her books published as she took a big dive into the ocean AGAIN today.. this makes number 4. It was kinda my fault this time – as I egged her on when I heard the otters hanging around... so she did a mad dash outside and I guess she didn't put on her brakes. I didn't notice right away (again) but I did hear a lot of LOUD splashing, so I knew it.... so it was bath time again for both of us as it was raining as well, so I got doubley soaked for this rescue!! Craziness. I received a good tip from a fellow editor about two publishing houses that are hiring, so I applied for those this morning. Looking back almost every job I have ever landed was through some one or a referral or word of mouth. I don't represent myself well, surprising so, and to just throw myself out there into the abyss of job applicants somehow doesn't seem to pay off. Getting work through reputation and so and so telling so and so, has always worked the best for me. Well that's it. I should be working but I am whacked. I think all the loving, gushy stuff from the other night drained me. Apparently over 7 million people sat around and did nothing except spread the love for that hour... that's kinda cool. But now I have an absolutely massive headache, so am packing it in early tonight. So sorry late night/early morn friends, I'm not making it today. See you back here soon cheers bugz |
| Last night or this morning perhaps, at 4:11am my time, I took a blanket, and a candle and I went outside to my dock. I wrapped myself up, sat in a chair, and propped up my feet. For the next 40 minutes, I sat out there and just was. I breathed deeply. The air was crisp and clean. There was not a ripple on the water and not one branch stirred. It was dark, but the glow from the candle and the start of dawn was just enough to see. And hear, complete silence. Heaven. Every once in awhile I would hear a slight pop as a fish would sneak up and grab a late night snack. But for the rest of the time, all I could hear was my own heartbeat and the connection I felt with the earth and all those who share this space. A few years back a gal and her son drowned and died. Miraculously they were both brought back to life. It’s a heartening tale and the short version is, she had a vision that on July 17 at 7:11 gmt people from around the globe would sit for one hour and just bring their healing and peaceful thoughts to the planet. So I did. For the first few minutes I tried to clear my mind – and for anyone who has tried, that is not an easy task and not one, that even after years of trying I do well. But I managed to remain focused. I then spent the next few minutes repeating an old chant I know. Then I allowed sort of stream on consciousness to flow through my mind. Repeating healing phrases and sending as many gentle, loving thoughts as I could to mother earth A lovely thing did happen. I felt completely at peace. The quietness of my own blissful surroundings made that easy I suppose. But I did feel the scurrying of people around the planet and had a lot of visions of those in their bus-i-ness lives and stress, in traffic jams and with children who were screaming for attention. I felt a strange sense of connection to people in all walks of life. And I just sat and sent them all wishes of peace and love and gentleness. I said a lot things in my mind – which I tried later to record, but my puter crashed again.. and I lost most of it, but some of it saved…. I just closed my eyes and typed whatever words and thoughts came to my mind. But mostly I remember the strongest message that kept coming to mind was forgiveness. Forgiveness of ourselves and forgiveness of others. I went through a long list of people who I have encountered. And I looked at them and me, and just forgave and let go. I let go of them, my feelings, my hurt, my lost dreams and let them go with love and forgiveness. I am not sure what happened to all the rest of the people out there who sat with me. I checked the website where this was started… www.firethegrid.com, if you’re at all interested. But didn’t see any sort of update.So don’t know much more than what I felt and did. But for me whether it realigned the planets, shifted the level of consciousness or any such sort of thing, people believe or not – that’s irrelevant to me really. What happened for me, was simply an hour, to sit, reflect, send loving thoughts out into the atmosphere and have some time for a little more healing. Here is just the last of some captured thoughts. Not meant to be a poem, or prose or creative…. just what came out, not edited, it is just what it is. Healing to the planet I want forgivenes I want hearts to heal Love to be shared I want gratitude I want healing And compassion I reach down And bring forgiveness To the earth How can we heal Until we heal ourselves And those around us I feel connection Peacefulness I will live more fully Be more grateful Share my light more I will not stay small I will hang onto hope Not get into fear I reach to the depths of the earth And bring my love there And my warmth Bring a sense of forgiveness Feel my heart expanding Feel the love of all surrounding me Bring a sense of tenderness To fear and to those who fear Live in your potential Reach down into your depths Of your soul I hold you in my warm hands And breathe life into you As I blow out the candle Envelope in darkness As your light of day Begins And brings a new sense Of hope And renewed love We are all one We are not islands The ripples of our actions Splash into the faces of others Bring not fear and pain Share our goodness Let it go Let go and let god Heal yourself Then others Then the planet And the world will follow Breathe in the air Listen to the silence Look inside, Look deep Be blessings to you bugzy |
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