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 |  My purging and some other crap - can be funny, most times without trying :-) |
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♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ ♫ Just to take the crap out of me and put it somewhere else for safekeeping. Gets heavy carrying it around. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** It's me, Summertime 2010. I'm pretty damn happy these days. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And yes.. this is my daughter, Devann Dev   . I am the luckiest Mom in the world. Can't get a new pic ... oh maybe I'll creep FB and steal one from there! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** And our little slice of paradise. I still after 'four' years here can't believe how lucky I am. Come on over .. the door's always open ( heehee ) Thanks for stopping by. Cheers Check yourself, or I mean, it out
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| I am a great one for distracting myself. I have spent so much time dreaming and planning, conspiring and manipulating that so many times I forget to be here. Again, not something new, certainly not something I haven't thought of a million times - and yes definitely something that has been beaten to death over and over. Stay present, etcetc. Easy to say, really hard to do. So today, in the shower, ahem (thanks ski) I had a mini-epiphany. I was continuing the thought of flirting and the new number 4 option and about conversations and interactions as of late - and I thought, piss on it - just be what you are and can be today - for today. If it works and it feels right and good and reciprocal - then that is all there needs to be. I am throwing in the towel - well I have to hang it up cause its wet cause I had like 2 showers today (thanks again ski) but really - I am done with thinking farther ahead and trying to make sense of it all, and trying to see if there is more, that there should be more, or that I need more. No- today is what I need, today is what I can promise and that is all. People who choose to enter my life - need to know and understand that about me now. I am here today but there will be no promises. I will not make any promises I cannot keep, therefore I will break no promises either. That is freeing and lighter. And without all that brain space being taken up by planning and scheming, I have much more left for writing more crap poetry and for flirting... yahoo.. ok, phewf shorter today - I am wacked. Editing a crap novella - it is boring and I am not getting paid enough to suffer through it but I must because there is another erotica piece waiting for my red pen - so that is my reward for completing this one that is yucky. sleeping now.... cheers to you bugzy |
| I have thought of several things that I wanted to write when the time came tonight for my purge of the day. First I thought of flirting and what that means really. I consider myself quite good at it. I can flirt on different levels to different people; to blurting out little notes and endearments of cutie, and sweet - to down right no holds barred, innuendos that you'd have to pretty dense not to 'see' my bad side!! I have flirted my whole life. It is fun and harmless. But today I asked myself - is it really as harmless as I like to say it is? Am I teasing? Am I am playing with people and their hearts and emotions? The person on the other end is responsible for their own reaction - I do not profess to think I am in charge of their responses or choices to flirt back or not. But I do hold a certain responsibility. I can see when lines are being crossed and pull back. Sometimes I do, and other times I do not. I do not think I have rules around those decisions - they happen as my instinct kicks in at that exact moment....or not. But when does flirting become more? At what point does it cross a line and then it is no longer a game? Stakes are higher, emotions are involved, lives are being played with. That brings me to my next thought of today - boundaries. I suck at them. I suck at setting them, honouring them, renegotiating them.. all of it. I know it is a childhood thing blahblahblah - I am tired of hiding behind excuses. I know it is a problem for me, I have worked on it... gawed like a million times - but I am not sure I get any better. So setting boundaries while flirting is a double whammy. The way I see I have 3 choices - 1- stop flirting all together - which feels like a piece of my soul will die - 2- just say to myself , gawed you over think every little thing - who cares - they're grown ups - if they can't handle a little flirtiness without reading deep, dark professions of eternal love then that is their issue not yours 3- and lastly to just learn to be fun and flirty but take care. Not to flirt out of desperation, not to flirt every time thinking - wow - this could be the one for me! hmmm that seems a lot clearer than a few minutes ago I didnt even know I had 3 choices. That is good. I am opting for number 3. Will see how it goes. My last thought just came up now in an email I was writing to a dear, close friend - about fairness. Or lack of it to be more precise. I think I have met more astounding people these last three months on this site than I have in my last three years for sure - probably longer. I have connected with many on different levels. It is like reading people's work and having people read mine brings me to a certain place with others that is beyond those places that I get to with most of my friends and certainly my family. There is a bond that is forged that is almost indescribable. I see things in myself that I did not know existed, people here bring out parts of me that have remained hidden from all, including myself. That has resulted in 99% of the cases in fabulous, joyful, sharing, (flirty) friendships that I treasure. But it has also gone so deep that I have almost gotten lost it in all. And I am left wondering where reality starts and where fantasy ends and where fantasy starts and reality ends. It become unclear and foggy and intense. And tonight I was thinking it was almost unfair to have such level of connection with those who in day to day - are just not here. They are 'here' and close and everything good and precious - but they are not here. And I think it is unfair to have the temptations and to start the dreams when time, place and life is not conducive to more. It starts dreams that are unrealistic and plans that cannot be. It is unfair to hearts to go there and it is unfair to have these thoughts and to then write about it. But would it be better not to take risks and have not had the chance to love and meet and be inspired by all of these connections? Of course not. So perhaps fairness is really not it at all. What perhaps seems unfair on some level - is not that at all. It is more about expectations. It is about starting to ask for more and then being disappointed. So perhaps it is back to gratitude again - just being grateful for all of it, exactly how it is and not expecting it to be more. Being grateful for the joy and passion and then stopping right there. And so I will. I will sleep better now. Thoughts sorted, mind a bit clearer and I am definitely a lot more tired. Sleep well.... bugzy |
| I woke to an email from one of my editors: "Oh by the way I was watching Oprah yesterday and everyone who was on was talking about doing what they love and making money from it. Recommending to people not to give in but to continue to do in your life what you love. These people have made millions by sticking to their dreams and not giving into or caving to anyone else. So you go for it girl it will all happen for you." So that and the realization that I could make more money working at the local restaurant two nights a week and not bring any of it home with me, except maybe left over cake - cinched it - for not taking the yoga job. .. phewf - that was close. I was wondering if it was a test of my 'faith' ... to see if I could really stick to my guns about being a writer and nothing else? I read a great piece on here today:
Again being reminded everything happens at a perfect time - I have read a few things in his port, but today for some reason this one grabbed me. It talked about being caught in a career that no longer makes his heart sing - and how he feels he has become apathetic and he is working on a transitional plan out - to "clear blue waters" It really resonated with me - as it took me a long time to break away from 'banking'. And it is like a drug that can call me back at any time - for the easy money, prestige and power. But I am holding onto my 'faith' today that this feels right to me and where I should be and what I should be doing. I am on a media mailing list and get tourism propaganda from time to time. The other day I received a CD, Canada We are More and didnt pay much attention to it. But today I opened it and since it had a few popular musicians - Sarah McLaughlin and Bare Naked Ladies - I thought I would listen - well..... The main 'song' of sorts about Canada is actually 'slam poetry' recited by Shane Koyczan - it is for tourism I know but parts of it just spoke to me..... here are a few of the lines I just love: We have set sparks… ….. We are an idea in the process of being realized We are young …. We are an experiment going right for a change …. We dream so big, that there are those who would call our ambition an industry … We have grown past of what we used to be We are filled with all the hope people have when they say Someday, we’ll be great Someday we will be this or that We will be at a point when someday was yesterday And all our aspirations will pave the way for others We will reach the goals we have set We’ll get interest on our inspiration … We are building bridges towards those who are willing to walk across We are the lost and found for all those who might find themselves at a loss .. We are found missing puzzle pieces …. We live to get past what we go through And learn who we are …. So we know what, as well as why We don’t have all the answers But we try The effort is what makes us more We don’t all know what it is in life that we are looking for So keep exploring go far and wide or go inside But go deep … You’ve been through hell and high water … We are abandon hesitation of all those who cant wait …. We are choices We are voices We keep exploring We are more We are the surprise the world has in store for you We are the what, in whats new Let us be the story you tell your friends Let us be the aid kit for when you get sick of the same old, same old … Next time pack for all the things you didn’t pack for the first time Don’t let your luggage define your travels Each life unravels differently And experiencess are what make up the colours of our tapestry We didn’t just say it We made it be .....there were many more lines, but those I love, when I listen I replace every we with I! What a joy this was to come into my life today... I have the CD in my laptop and have listened to many, many times and I know I will again. Another moment of inspiration came from my Daughter - she said to me, "Mommy why do you even want to be in a relationship when you already have everything you could ever need?" I wonder if it is possible to bottle that wisdom and inspiration that comes from this child who is 1 year, 3 months and 2 days shy of 16 years.... she is brilliant and I am in awe of her. What a blessing. So keep the faith my friends - hang onto your dreams, don't let others pull you off course. All is perfect blessings bugzy |
| Well I was up early today even after going to bed so late - I found two local publishing houses that were accepting Children's poetry books. One, sounded snotty and I did not get a good vibe from at all - so they received a very formal query letter with a sample of the Darla book. We knew where their office was located, so my mom drove over to drop it off - and she could see people working inside - she even know one of them, but they would not even open the door. So she had to push then envelope under the door. How rude - this is not downtown Toronto - this is a town of about 500 people... gawed! The other one, only had a PO Box so I couriered it over to them - but this query letter Darla wrote herself - she is a very smart little puppy! Some say that is not 'proper' but I am trying it as an experiment. We shall see which place bites first!! haha. I may be onto something here - breaking ground for all authors following behind me that do not want to confirm to all the nonsense and snotty and pretentiousness out there that does nothing for the higher good of anyone! I'll keep you posted. I received a call from the gal who wanted me to do a newsletter for her - this was put on hold for a few months and today we talked live. This seems like it could work out to be a good gig - of course I have no clue how to do it - so I have now sold my sole to the Mined Bawdy Sole Auction and am going to bid madly to ensure I get the services of a very talented Mr IAMMARK - as he knows that crap coming and going. Hope the auction doesn't heat up too much or will have to spend my profits before I even make them!! So that was good news! Had to do rewrite on one my already submitted articles for a mag I write for - that is always torture - this editor and I always seem to miscommunicate - not sure if mostly its because she gives vague instructions on what she is looking for or if I don't 'hear' them properly. ... doesn't matter - just means I always have to do endless rewrites - So now we have agreed to draw up an outline first - before I go on a writing tangent that is way off in space somewhere! But she pays amazingly well - so I take it!! So that took me hours tonight and therefore did not get any work done on my novel or the new novel I am to edit. Hopefully there will only be one more quick rewrite tomorrow and I can buckle down and focus on those two items. So I have been taking a poll with friends on whether or not I should take on the yoga coordinator job or not - most are leaning toward not with a couple of exceptions. Devann was cute, she said tonight, "Doesn't matter what other people tell you to do, you just to what you want to do. If you don't want the job, don't take it." What a wise young gal she is! But she went on to say, "But if I am telling you not to listen to others, then I am still telling you what to do." This sent us into hysterics as the conversation got more and more convoluted!! Funny... I am 80% sure that I won't take it, still fear keeps coming up for me. How can I turn down sure money for the unknown? But my heart still says don't do it. So it is the battle of the head versus the heart. But as my dear friend Fleck reminds me - this is the year we agreed to only do what is in our hearts... so the answer is simple! So I had a great day overall today until late tonight when I found myself in a heap, with uncontrollable tears. Chatting to a dear, dear friend found me mourning a friendship that has changed. I was so happy to be talking, but it was not what it used to be. So I struggled to let go and be grateful for what we still have - but I faltered. I wanted things the way they used to be. But as soon as I went into that needy and wanting things to be different than they are space - I broke down. I need to let go at an even deeper level. I know I will - but I have moments of weakness where I still want to control things and I cannot. So tonight I am thinking about gratitude. I have so, so much to be grateful for. More than most people I think. Not just in my little slice of heaven I have carved out for myself here in my little float house, but for my precious daughter who adores me, for my friends who put up with my nonsense and my constant flip flopping moods of up and down and up and down - sometimes in the course of five minutes, my family - as annoying as they are, my regaining health, for everyone I have loved and who has expanded my heart. Even right now as my heart feels heavy and tired, I remember that it would not be able to feel this way, if I had not experienced such deep love and passion. So although still sighing a bit, I am keeping to the thoughts of gratitude for what I have and letting go of wanting more. I keep my electric blue toenails poem from LOU opened in my browser and I keep re-reading it.... that makes me smile every time. Hoping you sleep well and that I do too. cheers and gratitude bugz |
| Damn I missed a day and was certainly more than tempted to skip this one - and technically it is Monday, so I have already. But since this is still my Sunday, as I have not gone to sleep yet, I am still ok. I think I am too tired to be coherent and did have some thoughts earlier that I wanted to write, but I fear the ones that will make sense have been lost. I was writing an email earlier about 'time' and I said: ...I feel sometimes like I wish I could distort time - actually I would like us to make our own time - as do not feel any of what is currently available feels right. I want to shift time and use it more wisely and more playfully. I am struggling today as I have been offered a job which originally I was passed over for. They made the wrong decision in not hiring me - they said I was overqualified and wanted me to help them raise money in order to create a better job for me - but I have avoided getting into that - so now the other person they hired has not worked out and would I still want the job. Time again - is the issue for me. The time I would take to do a good job - it is only part time 10 hours a week and I can work from home - but I know myself, I would not be able to stop at 10 hours a week. I would see way beyond that vision and scope and since it is an organization that I have great passion for, yoga, I know I would entangle myself into their vision and want to make it my own. It would suck a lot of my precious 'time'. I had an absolute joy of a time, editing the first novel that was assigned to me - for my new paid gig of editing. I really sunk myself deeply into the story and I really hope the writer gets value from my work. I felt really good about pressing that send button. I have asked for and received my second novel to edit - so will probably start on that tomorrow. I must not, however, again get consumed by this 'work' and not work on my own novel which has suffered neglect for a few days now again. I had another most joyful event happen today, my dearest friend LOU wrote me this poem - tears...I'll tell yah - what a lovely, sweet surprise...
wow - I can not believe how blessed I have been with friends I have made on here. I need more time to thank and honour all of them.. well I can do some of that on here anyway. I picked up my little Darla poetry book at the printers and it is amazing!! I cannot believe it - so I am going to call a local publisher tomorrow or later today....haha.. and see if they are interested in picking it up - or at least of they know of a publishing house here on the island who might be interested! I am excited!! Well there are so many more thoughts swirling in my head, but I must try and sleep some as there is still lots to do when I awake. Thank you to all who have been helping me through this journey of life. cheers bugzy p.s. I friend of my mom's declared to me, 'You will never make a living as a full time writer!" That kind of insane, ridiculous, narrow minded attitude is enough to spur me on with vengeance just to prove her wrong..... Look out , here I come!!! |
| I am impatient. There. It is now in writing. I get a real bug in my gut, when people who are supposed to know what they are doing, do not. Or when I feel like I have been ripped off. Or treated unfairly. Well 2 times in the last 2 days, I did a complete switch from my normal snarly impatient self. Yesterday I tried to send my brother some money. Easy - email transfer, I do to it all the time for my son and my editor. Well it didn't seem to work and since you can only send $1000 at a time it got all messed up. I had to then stop the transfer, that cost me $3.50 - damn banks, they get you every single time. So then I had to drive into town to go to my bank to get some cash. Closed. grrrr. Then I went to his bank and deposited a cheque. I said to the gal, please do not hold it , I tried to bring cash and my bank was closed. She was all chipper, no worries etc. Well when my brother went to his bank to get the money, he found out they did put a hold on it! doulble grr. So I called them to try and get them to release the hold - nope. My bank is in Toronto and now closed... triple grr. But instead of being angry at the gal on the phone, I tried really hard to keep patient and nice, even though at this point I was beyond frustrated. She was very helpful and eventually with another trip into town, we got it all sorted out. Today I called the printing company about my poetry book. It was supposed to be ready Tuesday. He was so rude when I asked about it. I said, you told me it was supposed to be ready Tuesday and it is Friday and I have not heard from you. If you needed more time, you should have called and told me. He was unbelievable. He started to yell at me that he works 15 hours a day and he has a lot of jobs etcetc. I started again to say, tell me what the new delivery date is and he hung up on me!!! I couldn't believe it. I was stunned!!!!! I waited a few minutes and called back. Of course he did not pick up the phone - When the machine picked up, I forced myself to be so nice - I said, I think we must have been cut off. Then I reminded him how important this project was for me and if he felt he was too overwhelmed to complete it, I would be ok with coming around and picking it back up. And could he please call me. That was hard. I really wanted to let him have it. But that was the only copy of the illustrations that I had, so I did not want to have him burn it out of spite. Well he called a few hours later and said, it was all done. He was chipper and very pleased how it turned out so I will pick it up tomorrow. So what happened do you think?? Did I just catch him at a bad time? Did my lack of anger prod him on to finish a job that at first he said he had barely started? Did I accomplish more with being soft than I would have if I had reacted with as much anger as he did towards me? I like to think that in these two cases, my patience paid off. Perhaps I am learning a good lesson here. Time will tell. (I will never use him again as a printer though that is for sure!!) I just received my first novel assignment already tonight! And I have an article due for Wednesday for the online magazine I write for. I am only a quarter of the way through my 10,000 word story and my novel is getting dusty! Yikes... how did that happen?? better get to it.... seeya soon cheerios bugzy |
| A good friend just reminded me of that saying, which is one of my favourites. I have proclaimed myself a professional writer since last August. It has been a bit of a tough go. An immediate job offer of writing for a quarterly magazine was too synchronistic to believe. A then offered job of the assistant editor was a dream. That has not come to be... sadly, so since then I have been on the endless job hunt.. I have applied for probably 300 writing gigs. Zip.... well I shouldn't say that ... quite a few scam offers and one that has paid me ..hmmm 27cents for 4 600 word articles... I so dumped that gig. I have focused on my novel and my own healing writing as I patiently waited for replies. People around me are getting frantic - you need to work, you need to get a job.. have you heard anything lately, what about that one, here is an ad for you.... meaning well but making me tense. I know this is what I am meant to be doing.....- a friend of my step-moms today at lunch proclaimed... You can't make a living as a writer... I just ignored that ridiculous comment. A job I applied for 3 months ago and got... was then put on hold - it has resurfaced now and it is even better than before. Well tonight I am thrilled to say thank you to two great gals on here, Serenity and PixieDustGirl as they helped me land a gig as an editor at their publishing company. My patience is paying off. And I have worked hard too. I have helped many others in my spare time. I have been editing a book for a fellow starving writer, for just the joy in it, I write a monthly column for another just-getting-going publisher for free, I have put a lot of my heart into reviewing on here and received a merit badge for that! I have almost completed the millionth edit of my novel - which would not have happened if I had not had all this 'spare' time. Trust is huge. Trust that things happen perfectly, right when they are supposed to. Trust in the timing of things. I stumbled onto this site, I don't even remember how - probably I was looking for work. Since I have been on here, I have made some incredible friendships. I am really a shy person ( I know hard to believe) but I am. Put me in a social situation where I do not know anyone, I cave. It takes me along time to make true friends, I hide myself from others, even one of my longest friends, who is now reading some of my crap, commented that she really knew so little about me. I don't like to talk about myself , but ironically writing about myself seems to come so naturally. All my crap on here is my true life. As I see it now and remember it, that is. I told another galfriend this morning that I was sad and missing my life that I left, almost 10 months ago now - and she said, well you have so many new friends now on that writing site. I had to agree. This is what I woke to this morning in my inbox from a dear friend: How I love to see the dew-drops As the dawn turns them to vapor, And to drink a cup of coffee While I read the morning paper. My soul stirs to see the sunrise Send the darkness its last warning, And the taste of that sweet tonic, That is Judy in the morning! How bless-ed is that. After such a rough day yesterday, I woke to words of such joy and vision.... mmmm. Nice. Warmed my heart. I feel today that it is my time now. I am learning to ask for what I want and it is coming back to me, in more ways than I could have imagined. I applied to RAOK for help with my membership as it expires at the end of this month - and can't imagine my life without this site and my friends here. That was really, really hard for me to do. I never ask for help especially with money. So that was huge - well today I found out I received a two month extension... sigh. I am working hard right now to know that I deserve it. And.. this is the coolest - got my passport today - after a 5 hour wait in line in the freezing cold to apply a mere two weeks ago, it arrived today. They are so back logged in the passport office - due to a ...ahem.. silly new american rule that we need passports now to visit you guys - people are waiting 3 or 4 months to get theirs... mine came in two weeks! So the good news... I am free to fly over for a visit anytime now!! yahooo Ok.. well off to write some more crap. Have accomplished very little today in that department - but lots more in the other departments.. so it is all balanced !! good nite to all - sweet dreams bugzy |
| I think writing poems and stories is fine. I am happy that I have reconnected to that outlet. But I think this will be a helpful addition - as I feel confined by poetry sometimes and don't have the ambition to tell a good story as now I focus sooo much on grammar, verbs, punctuation, syntax and that hurts my head. So this blog will just be my purge - I feel I need more ways to get this crap out of me. I feel before these last few months, part of me was dying inside. The pain and sadness and regrets I felt were my very own private cancer cells, multiplying and consuming the good parts of me. My sister died of cancer, my other sister has it now, and my dad too was consumed by the evilness left to rot inside. I will not die that way. I am refinding my voice - it escapes me once in awhile, but I am determined to keep it this time. Writing has helped more than I ever realized. Every word that pours out, pours from my body and my soul and takes one more cancer cell with it. I feel it leaving me as I watch the words spill onto this screen. Today I am all mixed up. Unconditional loving is my lesson again this week. One that revisits again and again. I don't mind it coming back - it means I have truly and deeply loved again. Which can never be a bad thing. Letting go of expectations - that walks hand and hand. How can you love unconditionally if you have expectations? A good friend talked me through some of my crap tonight. He read 'Timeline' - I think anyone who makes it through that epic deserves a patience badge - don't think there is one. Maybe I will make one. Well every time someone reviews that piece I have a breakdown. And so tonight after two reviews I had a double melt down. It is hard to let it stay up and have people review it. It feels too vulnerable really but on the other hand, I feel every time some one reads it, somehow the pain is lessened. Like everyone who reads it takes a bit of it away for me. Maybe if it gets read enough, I will be pain free! That is a nice warm thought. Well after he read timeline he wrote me a poem. I was touched beyond belief. We have not chatted that long really - and his life has been a serious of unbelievable tragedy, with abuses that tear me up to even think about for a second - that he even spends five minutes with my nonsense and dares to commend me on my strength is astounding. I was honoured that he felt inspired to try to cheer me up with his encouraging words. What a gift. Well I got almost no work done today. I was distracted, couldn't focus. Kept watching the clock. The chapter that I am rewriting on my novel for the 5th time, is really challenging. My editor is requesting, ok not requesting hahaha.. who am I kidding - she is telling me to add a whole other parallel story about my childhood - which is painful to remember and even more painful to write about. So maybe I will cut myself some slack today and just go at it slowly, unlike my more rampant style of writing. This chapter may take me longer than I was prepared to spend - but maybe that is ok. I will let it all come out in its on time. I just had some self imposed deadline on getting these first 6 chapters done by next week... well we shall see. Its getting there. Well my heart is sore, and my eyes are tired. I feel like I worked a lot today although I have nothing to show for it. Perhaps the work I did today was just on my heart. No promises to come back - I gave up with the concept of making promises awhile ago - so I will see you , when I see you, and not before. cheers .... bugzy |
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