This is a very thought provoking piece. I like the form, the short lines and many stanzas, each seems to point to the next as if in a solemn progression of knowledge and wisdom.
This is a nice poem. There are, however, some obvious problems that need fixing.
This line does not make sense as is:
Sins err bringing despair stops if only we share.
To make it make sense requires ignoring some realities of language.
Some of the other wording in the poem is difficult and should be clarified, for example, these lines stutter and could use some refining:
Contritely head bowed, seeking pardon denied,
Our hearts have drawn near, giving way to the fear.
Home of the soul is lost, when by tempter tossed.
Another line:
This is the baptism, His word does envision.
Hisword...Word should be capitalized as earlier in the poem. (In the next line too.)
This line: ...beauty you inspire. The word You should be capitalized referring to God, as consistent through the rest of the poem. Then there is an extra line space that needs to be removed after this stanza.
Finally, this is another very awkward line:
As the tears consume, He my sin does assume.
I like the poem very much, but there are just too many mistakes as it stands that need fixing.
Good poem. I liked the interwoven theme of a love not yet realized and found. The structure and form also worked well for the piece.
The start of the poem suffers from an immediate grammatical problem, it starts off with a very awkwardly worded phrase:
I know not yet your name, yet you've roamed with me for time immortal
The know not yet your could work alone, but immediately following the comma it says yet again, which throws this line off. I'd say eliminate the first one.
Also, immortal is not the same as eternal. Immortal has a start but no end. Eternal is without beginning or ending. Be sure you pick the one you mean. There is a common phrase time immemorial that seems to be what you were actually after.
Here's the definition:
NOUN: time immemorial (pl. times immemorial)
1. Time long past, beyond memory or record. Also called time out of mind.
2. Law Time antedating legal records.
Try this:
I know not your name yet you've roamed with me since time immemorial
Next line is: as a promise nested in my heart. I think you meant nestled. If not, you should change it, nestled works better.
Later you have this line: except by mine.... Why do you have three dots here? What is this ellipsis for? The three dots mean something that was spoken or recorded is missing here. Did you want an interruption or a pause here? The proper convention for a pause or interruption is the dash-- that would work here.
Also, these three lines together don' work:
You are possessed of a mind unrivaled
your articulate intelligence unequaled
except by mine....
This comes across as incredibly haughty. Not the right tone for a love poem, or a dream of a great love yet unknown.
Live, my beloved! It is best to eliminate this exclamation point. It detracts.
The language and flow of the rest of the poem is very nice and very well crafted in places.
Overall, you can have a great poem here if you fix the obvious problems, especially the early wording.
A very nicely done poem, great structure, draws us down to the conclusion where the speaker realizes that the problem is not with him or her, but with the oppressor.
Love is powerful and this poem expresses part of that power well.
The arrangement and flow is unique and enjoyable. It worked well together and moved along. You painted good mental images with few words.
One thing to correct or do away with are the three dots (...) generally used as an ellipsis identifying missing quoted words from that which was spoken or recorded before.
The dash-- is the better convention for pauses and interruptions--
I envisioned the poem with dashes and it worked much better to me.
This is a great story, I am very intrigued and I want to read more -- WHERE IS IT?
Okay, my outpouring aside, you have a nice piece here. It could certainly use some polishing and refining, but the hardest part, the intriguing story and conflict that makes readers want to know more, is done.
My first recommendation is to eliminate a large number of your adverbs. They are easy to find becuase most end in -ly. Yeah, I know you knew that, but it is good to go on an -ly hunt.
When you get to each -ly ask yourself, is the verb that this adverb modifies all it can be? Have I propped up the verb with the adverb and sacrificed using a more powerful verb and noun in this sentence?
After a while this will be second nature and all those nasty adverb crutches will begin to fall away.
Examples
You wrote:
She fell into an uneasy sleep while the group of riders clustered nearly over her head, tried to decide where she had gone.
I noticed the nearly but also the sentence is awkward. Rephrasing the verbs would help, such as:
Her restless sleep was disturbed further by the group of riders meeting over her head. They bantered with each other about where she might have gone.
Another place you wrote:
This particular slave unwillingly visited his quarters more than a few times. She had become well acquainted with his ways. She knew things about him that no one else did and he wanted to keep it that way.
State the first sentence more aggressively and you can make it more vivid while still retaining the idea of unwilling participation:
He had dragged this slave to his quarters a number of times. She was well acquainted with his ways. She knew things about him that no one else did and he wanted to keep it that way.
If dragged{i/} is too physical, try forced or coerced. All are done to unwilling recipients.
Another:
She could see the firelight of the search party in the distance to the right of the trail. Vaguely, she remembered seeing a fork in the trail before the forest began.
Here you start a sentence with one, which you did several times. Adverbs tend to "tell" about action, try to "show" it more here with vivid language:
The firelight of the search party danced in the distance to the right of the trail. She thought she remembered seeing a fork in the trail before the forest began.
This way, you can show us it is vague to her by her thoughts and actions.
See if my "The Power Revision Checklist" can help you refine more of this work. Go on that -ly hunt and then strengthen all the writing with more aggressive language, vivid imagery, and use more showing instead of telling.
Great piece, I hope to get to read the final work.
Thank you for this stupendous imformation on giving good, positive, credible, and enduring public reviews.
I have been guilty of violating some of the considerations pointed out in your exposition on the topic but now I know better and I will be a better public and private reviewer.
Thanks for taking the time to put together this piece. it should be required reading before people give reviews. It is clear, informative, and written exceptionally well.
What do they call this phobia? Intense poem about fear. I like the short choppy lines to heighten the sense of suspense and give an edge to the intensity.
By the end of the poem I could almost feel myself clenching my fist.
There are a few places which seem to want question marks (?):
Can anything save me,
I have lost all control.
Can nothing slow it,
So much anger and strife.
Perhaps this was intentional, but I thought I'd mention it.
Should the suns in this line be singular?
With the suns open plain
Great job at communicating the intensity and fear. I liked it.
Riveting and interesting story. This draft certainly needs some polishing.
At the start, there are way too many comments in the dialogue tags attached to the dialogue. This chops it up too much and makes it unnatural.
You misuse the three dots (. . .) which are for missing words that were previously recorded or spoken. The dash- is the proper convention to use for pauses and interruptions.
Your writing is predominantly telling. You need to use a lot more showing and imagery.
Quite a while later is not a good transition. Three asterisks or a line space are the conventions for a change in scene or passage of time.
There are way too many exclamation points.
I recommend you check out this link: "The Power Revision Checklist" . It has helped many to improve their writing.
You have a great idea and a good start to writing this. Give it a good rewrite and you'll be amazed.
Another very nicely crafted poem, solid, complete, and well refined. This outpouring is a very nice sentiment and I picture it in a lovely card, or framed for hanging.
Your words flow well and work together, except one pair that seems to depart from the language of the rest of the poem:
Sailing through the times
in closed alley ways;
The closed alley ways just doesn't work with the rest. I think you should think through something that is going to fit better with the whole. I feel there is something better in you that will make this exceptional.
Nicely crafted poem. I enjoy the repetition of the concepts with new elements introduced to draw a contrast.
You wrote:
But the love for nature and
want for its safety-
I have never found in,
any person I have ever met.
These lines lose a little of their credibility, because there are people in this world who do love nature the way you describe it, and I imagine you would be one yourself. I am one who cares deeply for nature and the safety of this planet as well. So perhaps changing from the absolute to there being rarely anyone you meet, or very few you meet would help it retain its credibility.
Also, those who do love nature may be slightly offended at the subtle way this almost says, "No one loves nature as much as me."
I think you can still make your point without the subtle affront, and it will be more user friendly and perhaps have a greater impact, especially for the fence-sitters.
This is a good poem. You need to polish it up, however. Some places you write i while others you write I. You also have random lower and upper cases starting new sentences.
You ask a question, and then punctuate it with a period.
I think the poem is just slightly wordy too. Boil it down. Extract the essence of the philosophies and put them in more succinct language.
There were a couple awkward lines too, like the last one:
you know also I'll myself lie.
Maybe the more direct when even I myself lie would work.
This is a great poem and you have given it wonderful structure and form. I read one of your other poems in which you attempted to provide structure and form and it was not nearly this good.
You have done a great job in this one expressing your deep desires for your love and what it would do to you to be without it.
Better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. (Someone famous said that, but I don't know who.)
Awesome. I loved it, and the way I was in space and expecting a science fiction story to evolve. As the story moved on, toward the end, I began to pick up enough clues to know where it was going, but that didn't matter, because you have to get it sooner or later or the end won't be as satisfying. A very satisfying end to a very good story.
The writing could use a proofers polishing (you know how good they are at eliminating even the hint of awkward wording) but still stands as a quality piece as is.
This poem does a fine job at expressing the anguish within. You certainly put thought and heart into it. I especially like the idea of showing the depression but also giving us the hope in the end.
I think this would work better in a couplet format. Combine the four line stanzas into couplets. Also go for a little better flow in the language with syllables, but you don't necessarily need rhythm in the first part of the poem.
Line 8: This line did not fit with the preceding 7. It seemed redundant for some reason. I think a different line needs to be crafted here.
Sample rewrite for suggestion purposes only. See notes below:
So dark again and always pain.
The one to help I cannot find.
These troubles deep within my brain.
Sad memories won't go away.
These nightmare hauntings leave a stain.
No one can see they stay with me.
Yet one prevails, a special friend.
She offers hope, light in the end.
A heart to help me heal and mend.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Perhaps this will give you some ideas for your poem. I mostly used your own words and concepts with only a few added words to cement things up.
The first three stanzas express the depression with the first line of each couplet rhyming, there is a longer rhythm to this upper section, not a bouncy one. Successive accented syllables help drag it out. Notice the long "a" sounds and alliteration in the first line to give a solemn feel at the onset of the poem (depression).
Added words like "sad" and "troubles" and "stain" help to make the memories more specific for better imagery.
The longer lines lend to depression rather than the short, choppy lines of the original.
The fourth stanza is a departure from the preceding pattern to help the reader shift into this new section where there is hope, and light, and healing.
The poem takes on a bouncier rhythm here with obvious rhyme. This will augment the uplifting conclusion. notice also the last line uses the "h" alliteration, an aspirant that helps the reader "sigh" with the speaker that yes, alas, there is hope.
Hope you like the suggestions and can take something from them that helps you to improve your craft.
Great poem and just the right satirical twist to mock such a reality as this. We can all gather around this poem like a fire barrel on an icy January day at the frozen lake and warm our hearts in it.
Thanks so much for the entertainment.
I was horribly offended, however, that you omitted the government from your list of those to sue and because of this many people will miss a golden opportunity. All the suffering you have caused to others has left me in pain. I am simply traumatized by your poetic malpractice, so you'll hear from my lawyer.
Very nice poetic comedy and great idea. I liked the content very much and the quirk of woman-kind that this captures so beautifully.
The flow and tempo throughout the poem needs work. I'll point out specific editing points using the second stanza as my example.
You wrote:
Too long, too short, too straight they do declare;
then they will go and sit for hours in a chair
just hoping the hairdresser answers their prayer.
+++++++++++++++++++++
I think the do declare is forced. Maybe try, all declare. The first line is 10 syllables, the second is 12. This throws off the beat and tempo. Cut a couple syllables off this second line. Finally, the last line is 11 syllables and very awkward for the flow. Maybe try just hoping the salon can answer prayer. This brings it back to ten and flows better. Here is a rewrite of the second stanza:
Too long, too short, too straight they all declare,
they go and sit for hours in a chair
just hoping the salon can answer prayer.
All lines are now 10 syllables and they flow together with the same beat and tempo.
All the rest of your stanzas need this same kind of attention. There are varying numbers of syllables in each line. Your structure and rhyme scheme begs for better tempo and flow. Rework this and you'll have an exceptional poem.
You have definite writing ability and a story to tell, but I had some immediate problems. First off, you use was far too often. It is necessary at times, but you can add some real punch by finding alternate power verbs and rephrasing certain elelments. I'll give you a few suggestions in paragraph one to illustrate what I mean. You wrote:
"Blue River, population nothing."
Jake was a man of few words and that about summed it all up at that point. It was 4pm and the once brilliant sun was beginning its slow descent behind the dunes of this forsaken Nevada desert. Jake stood motionless staring out into the open desert. All Jake knew was it was just too damn hot to do much else. He was listening hard for anything, but here under the bluest of blue skies, the silence drowned out everything. All he succeeded in doing was cast his very long shadow. Nothin'. But he was certain the the wail of the sirens would soon arrive followed by fuzzy, heat strewn images of cop cars racing across the sand in slow motion. A veritable dust storm coming out of their asses.
===========================
Replace was a man of with spoke. It is an action verb instead of a static state of being. The "to be" verbs (am, is, are, was, were) always express a static state of being which can kill action if overused or if used to initiate things.
Replace at that point with for the moment to avoid the business or office jargon essence of at that point.
Get rid of some of the other uses of was rearrange a few words, eliminate obvious information such as All Jake knew was . . .. It is obvious this is Jake's point of view, so merely stating, It was just too damn hot to do much else, communicates that this is what Jake knew.
Also, eliminate all the Jakes. We know it is Jake, use the pronoun he.
Use the stronger image, blowing out their asses as opposed to the weaker, coming out of their asses.
Too many f***s in the rest of the story. Think of salt. You pour too much on and you can't even eat the food. You put just the right amount of salt in and you enhance the flavor of the food. I'm getting salt toxin from this story.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Sample rewrite:
"Blue River, population nothing."
Jake spoke few words and that about summed it all up for the moment. The once brilliant sun began its slow descent behind the dunes of this forsaken Nevada desert. It was 4 pm. He stared out into the open desert, standing motionless. It was just too damn hot to do much else. He listened hard for any sound, but under these bluest of blue skies, the silence drowned out everything. At least he succeeded in casting a very long shadow. Though he heard nothing, he knew the the wail of sirens would soon arrive followed by fuzzy, heat strewn images of cop cars racing across the sand in slow motion; a veritable dust storm blowing out their asses.
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
This will start you off on your necessary revisions.
May I recommend a revision checklist that has helped many writers improve their craft? Here it is:
I do not understand why this piece is so short. Yes, it is a controversial subject, but focusing only on the very last act does not make their lives live in any way for me.
I do not know her, him, or the doctor in any way, therfore, I do not care what happens to them. There is nothing to get me personally involved in this story.
As for the issue, regardless of what this story presents, if I come to it against it, this will not impact me and change me in any way. If I am for it, I already agree, this simply amuses and I move on.
As for the writing, it is excellent. I'm not sure the use of the three dots (. . .) is appropriate, I'm thinking the dash-- is the convention to use.
The poem doesn't flow very well. The meter and beat need work. Count your syllables per line and see how they match up. Also, follow the beat in the words to see if they are consistent.
One last thing, I'm not sure I would know that this poem was specifically about a soldier unless you told me in the description at the top of the page. The bugle hints at it, but nothing else does.
Put a little bit more soldier in it.
Again, great sentiment and great idea, just needs some refining.
Enjoy your craft.
Happy writing.
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