Great idea and wonderful uplifting theme. In a day and time when darker themes seem to be the preferred choice, the bold, uplifting, positive pieces really stand out.
The language is good, but some of the grammar is forced to preserve the rhyming. This gives the poem an overall amateurish air. No sweat. One of the first challenges for new poets is to achieve a certain maturity of language and grammar. The only way to do that is to keep on writing and writing and writing.
You have an awesome start and it is obvious you can rhyme and you enjoy the flow of language, so work on making the lines speak more naturally, and your work will be immeasurably strengthened.
Very nice. I really liked the repetition in this piece, especially the word, familiarity.
I like the way this flows and the rhymes are quite natural. I have suggestions for one stanza. You wrote:
Why do I want so much to find
That things were not quite as bad for so long?
Why do I wish that all is now well–
That only my perspective had been wrong?
Use of the perfect past had been weakens the last line. You could use was here and even though it is the simple past, it still effectively communicates the same essential idea but it makes the line flow better. Also, omitting the That in line two and adding an And in the last line will even out the flow of the entire stanza:
Why do I want so much to find
Things were not quite as bad for so long?
Why do I wish that all is now well–
And that only my perspective was wrong?
Hope you like the suggestions. The poem is still excellent as is if you decide not to change anything or maybe decide to change it a different way.
I left these feelings behind after college, but the pain of so many beautiful, wonderful, magnificent girls I just wanted to say hi to, remains. The girls who were happy with someone else and I felt I could do them so much better.
I can't explain why I admired from afar, too afraid to just say hi, or butt in, but I did, and yes, just to sit at the same table, or near her, or to see her walk by, made my day and made me happy if she was happy.
Those who have not been there may never know the turmoil of that, and it seems so pathetic to me now, but it was real and your poem captures that very well.
You may consider eliminating the repetition of but in stanza 5.
Also, you seem to change tense a few times, for instance, from will to would in the last stanza and there are several more.
Other than that, exceptional job of capturing these feelings and making them relate to others.
I really like the brevity and impacting thought provoked by this poem. I like how poetic it is even for someone wishing to be a poet, which makes it even more endearing.
I find the phraseology to be awkward, however, sort of backward or reversed. Maybe this is the exact "shock" you are looking for to support the concept that this is being written by one aspiring to be a poet.
Even so, I couldn't help but rearrange it a little to flow in a way that improves impact for me, and I liked it better, so I offer this as a suggestion only for the first two stanzas.
As it stands:
I wish,
lines of light
my pen would write,
words fluttering like butterflies.
I wish,
a summer breeze,
an autumn leaf,
my words could bring alive.
Perhaps:
I wish,
my pen would write,
lines of light
words fluttering like butterflies.
I wish,
my words could bring alive
a summer breeze,
an autumn leaf.
Sort of messes up your arrow shaped form, but I like the flow much better and I think it adds impact.
Thanks for sharing this little gem. Brevity is oft underrated. You use it very well to have maximum impact with minimum words. A true poet.
I really like this poem and the feelings it invokes, but I find it a bit too wordy. Perhaps this is a first draft and you intend to refine it more later. If not, I suggest you take the time to refine it and boil down the language to make each phrase more impacting.
Some of the wordiness can be reduced by eliminating unnecessary repetition. I know you intended some of the repetition, yet some of it comes across as redundant rather than impacting, and the phraseology is awkward.
The whole second stanza is a good example of the kind of reworking you can do for the entire poem. The second stanza can be reworked to eliminate reduncancy and improve the flow (rhythm and pace). For instance, you wrote:
Were all trapped like rats in a maze
A maze with a hundred unknown turns and a thousand dead ends
Dead ends which lead to nowhere
Nowhere is the end of something to which we know nothing of
Removing some of the repetitions will immediately help this stanza. Here are some suggestions for consideration:
Trapped like rats in a maze of madness
A maze of hundreds of unknown turns
And thousands of dead ends stopping nowhere
The nowheres ending something we know nothing of
Removing Were all (which should be We're all anyway) and adding madness removed some difficult wording and gave us some alliterative flow.
The next two lines were reworked to remove extra words and unnecessary repetition and attain more flow and balance.
The final line was reworded to flow better and move more aggressively to the point to ponder.
The revision is still your poem, with your words and ideas, I have just added editing suggestions to improve flow and impact. This is an examople of the kinds of things that can be done to a poem in reworking it and boiling it down that will increase its power and impact.
I loved the ideas and concepts portrayed here and the obvious inner struggle it reveals. The search for self has always been an intriguing journey. Now in our fast paced, get-lost world it can be even more insane.
Thanks for sharing. Write on and don't forget to check out the "Invalid Item" .
What a great comparison you have drawn throughout this poem to show how you felt about the taking away of your foster sister.
The depth of the comparison finds its rise in the fact that just as in a communist regime one feels so helpless, there are situations in our free world where one can still feel just as helpless before the forces of the government. Indeed, in this case, even more helpless, for the "tank didn't stop for you."
Thank you for sharing your heart and who you are. This was a wonderful piece. Simple and easy to read.
I am so glad for you that you got to retire early and devote your time to writing. Would that could be the case with me. Alas, I have a wife and three young, newly adopted children to raise (we got them at 1, 3, and 5, and they are now 3, 5 and 7).
Anyway, you bared your soul and then asked to hear about what we are like, so here is my part of the we:
The artwork in these cNotes is nice, but most of the messages seem to be taken from the Bible and put into these alien and fantasy backgrounds. It seems like a clash of cultures. The artwork didn't fit the messages and/or vice versa.
I noted a distinct error on one of them. It reads: If ye need strength I will be there for ye to lean on. If ye need a smile I will be there to give ye one. My friend, anything at all ye need only ask and I will be there for thee!
First of all, I wanted to note Jesus Christ spoke similar words to these that for all intents and purposes were virtually identical in meaning to these, so seeing these words pasted on a picture of an E.T. looking alien was, well, alien to me.
But the bigger problem lies in the Old English grammar. Ye is the plural form of you in Old English, thus, if addressing one person, the proper form is you. In this piece, you are addressing one person, yet you are using the form ye which is used of addressing a crowd or group of people.
This is a very strange poem to me, formatting and all. Perhaps this is what you are after and so you are delighted with my review.
I found it a very difficult read with all the periods and interspersed capitalization. It was a very jerky poem. Everything seemed forced. Every line was a double-clutch. I made no connection between the way the poem read, the topic within the poem, and artificial intelligence.
This is a very unique and experimental poem, as far as I can tell, so don't let my review discourage you.
Keep experimenting. Go for it. I just wanted to give you totally honest feedback so you could gather information on your reader's reactions from every angle. This can only help you in the long run to develop as a poet and in your experimental forms.
I am very proud of the work you do here, helping other Writing.Com members to get upgrades and to continue to participate in the community.
I especially like the spirit of community engendered here at Writing.Com and how most members of the site are very helpful, very willing to make new friends, and very willing to accept new people into their groups.
This is a very honest and searching piece. The two greatest realities conveyed by this piece are:
1. Freedom of choice must be preserved above all else, for the right of every man or woman to choose what they believe is our most precious right as human beings.
2. As long as men and women with opposing views respect each other's views and do not infringe upon them, we can all get along and preserve our right to freely choose.
I commend the author in these views, for they are certainly universal verities, all pervasive realities that must be upheld.
I appreciated how the author presented his views without being disrespectful of the opposing views. He was honest enough to point out apparent inconsistencies in these opposing views, and also known paradoxes, such as the fact that it is religion that propounds love and peace and yet it is religion that has caused the most wars.
This view is accurate and the reader is left to wonder, then, about religion's true association with the Creator or creative force or energy of life.
If there is a Creator, is this Creator responsible for religion, or is religion the product of men's minds in trying to explain this Creator?
If this Creator is NOT responsible for religious explanations of who He is, then He, It, She is also not responsible for the wars fomented in the name of religion.
Then we are left to wonder if we can ever know this Creator or if this creative force is unknowable, which is exactly what agnosticism is and what this free-form poetic article is all about.
If we conclude that there must be some creative power or force and if men are incapable of explaining this Creator or creative force, then there are only two logical conclusions or alternatives that are left:
1. Either this Creator or creative force is not knowable and will never be known.
OR
2. This Creator or creative force can only be known if It reveals Itself.
The plain and simple truth is that God reveals Himself to man.
The difficulty comes in the fact that we must be able to make the distinction between the above statement and religion. It is in lumping the two together, then, that the revelation is hid.
Who or what would try to hide the revelation and make it unknowable? Is there an enemy? Is there a devil trying to hide God from men? If so, is not this the best way to do it, to make so many counterfeit beliefs that men would be confused and lump the truth together with that which is false?
Such great questions raised by this searching piece. The author's honest and fair handling gives one many things to ponder.
Very good job.
A unique form that needs some polishing and punctuation checks, but is otherwise a solid piece of writing.
Nice folder of poetry. I especially like the variety. Your poems, overall, are very simple, direct pieces. I like the style and I look forward to revisiting and giving some in-depth reviews of specific pieces.
Regarding the small poetic description of the folder itself, there is one typo or proofing error in line two:
I love "Twilight Zoneish" stories that have deep messages to ponder and wonder about.
Your writing is quite brilliant too. I did not find any significant errors or typos that stood out to me.
Some of the formatting seemed off. You did not skip a line between some dialogue statements and the next line of prose. I saw this done several times. It is okay for a line of dialogue to stand alone as a paragraph.
An absolutely wonderful little allegorical fable, comparing a life (mind) to a house and the inhabitants to states of mind. It is incredibly amazing how some of the deepest truths can be presented in the sipmlest manner.
To most, these are just emotions or states of being, but to actually understand the spiritual influence behind these afflictions and how they take residence in a life (soul) and mind is incredible.
This is how Jesus taught. He was the first to give this comparison of a house to a mind and how spirits can come into a life:
When the unclean spirit is gone out of man, it walks through dry places, seeking rest, and finds none.
So it says, I will return into my house from whence I came out; and when it is come, it finds the house empty, swept, and garnished.
Then it goes and gets seven other spirits more powerful in wickedness than itself, and they enter in and dwell there: and the last state of that man is worse than the first.
Matthew 12:43-45
Great job at capsulizing these truths in this allegory.
You have a way with reaching the heart of a matter.
Impacting.
Gruesome.
A tribute to those who put up with the horrors of war to protect our way of life.
Not always pretty, but necessary. Die or be killed.
The civilian political think tanks don't make their decisions based on the constant, insistent, lurking-behind-every-corner sudden danger that bears down on a soldier day in and day out who has seen his buddies body parts shredded, torn, sliced, smashed, battered, and bruised, and many others put in bags to be shipped home. They only know the comfort of their luxury cars, high city condos, and plush offices as they point their leering fingers and condemn the actions of war.
I highly recommend this folder of c-notes. A great variety and most of them of the highest quality and elegance. Great artistry and attention to detail displayed in these notes. Wonderful use of color and themes. Great prices too.
A very good set of a variety of c-notes for many different occasions. Although not as nice to me as your first two sets, these are still top quality. Thanks for making them all available at good prices.
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