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Review of Starship Sentry  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Awesome. I loved it, and the way I was in space and expecting a science fiction story to evolve. As the story moved on, toward the end, I began to pick up enough clues to know where it was going, but that didn't matter, because you have to get it sooner or later or the end won't be as satisfying. A very satisfying end to a very good story.

The writing could use a proofers polishing (you know how good they are at eliminating even the hint of awkward wording) but still stands as a quality piece as is.

Thanks for the awesome enjoyment. Great work.

*Cool*
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Review of Darkness Within  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
This poem does a fine job at expressing the anguish within. You certainly put thought and heart into it. I especially like the idea of showing the depression but also giving us the hope in the end.

I think this would work better in a couplet format. Combine the four line stanzas into couplets. Also go for a little better flow in the language with syllables, but you don't necessarily need rhythm in the first part of the poem.

Line 8: This line did not fit with the preceding 7. It seemed redundant for some reason. I think a different line needs to be crafted here.

Sample rewrite for suggestion purposes only. See notes below:


So dark again and always pain.
The one to help I cannot find.

These troubles deep within my brain.
Sad memories won't go away.

These nightmare hauntings leave a stain.
No one can see they stay with me.

Yet one prevails, a special friend.
She offers hope, light in the end.
A heart to help me heal and mend.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Perhaps this will give you some ideas for your poem. I mostly used your own words and concepts with only a few added words to cement things up.

The first three stanzas express the depression with the first line of each couplet rhyming, there is a longer rhythm to this upper section, not a bouncy one. Successive accented syllables help drag it out. Notice the long "a" sounds and alliteration in the first line to give a solemn feel at the onset of the poem (depression).

Added words like "sad" and "troubles" and "stain" help to make the memories more specific for better imagery.

The longer lines lend to depression rather than the short, choppy lines of the original.

The fourth stanza is a departure from the preceding pattern to help the reader shift into this new section where there is hope, and light, and healing.

The poem takes on a bouncier rhythm here with obvious rhyme. This will augment the uplifting conclusion. notice also the last line uses the "h" alliteration, an aspirant that helps the reader "sigh" with the speaker that yes, alas, there is hope.

Hope you like the suggestions and can take something from them that helps you to improve your craft.

Keep on writing and sharing. *Cool*
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Great poem and just the right satirical twist to mock such a reality as this. We can all gather around this poem like a fire barrel on an icy January day at the frozen lake and warm our hearts in it.

Thanks so much for the entertainment.

I was horribly offended, however, that you omitted the government from your list of those to sue and because of this many people will miss a golden opportunity. All the suffering you have caused to others has left me in pain. I am simply traumatized by your poetic malpractice, so you'll hear from my lawyer.

Have a good day. *Cool*

Go see it yourself, everyone.

 Oh, The People You Can Sue! Open in new Window. (E)
A satirical look at our litigious society...
#1028738 by flogamocker Author IconMail Icon
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Very nice poetic comedy and great idea. I liked the content very much and the quirk of woman-kind that this captures so beautifully.

The flow and tempo throughout the poem needs work. I'll point out specific editing points using the second stanza as my example.

You wrote:

Too long, too short, too straight they do declare;
then they will go and sit for hours in a chair
just hoping the hairdresser answers their prayer.

+++++++++++++++++++++

I think the do declare is forced. Maybe try, all declare. The first line is 10 syllables, the second is 12. This throws off the beat and tempo. Cut a couple syllables off this second line. Finally, the last line is 11 syllables and very awkward for the flow. Maybe try just hoping the salon can answer prayer. This brings it back to ten and flows better. Here is a rewrite of the second stanza:

Too long, too short, too straight they all declare,
they go and sit for hours in a chair
just hoping the salon can answer prayer.

All lines are now 10 syllables and they flow together with the same beat and tempo.

All the rest of your stanzas need this same kind of attention. There are varying numbers of syllables in each line. Your structure and rhyme scheme begs for better tempo and flow. Rework this and you'll have an exceptional poem.

Thanks for sharing it.

Enjoy your craft. *Cool*


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Review of Always  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
You have shared a wonderful sentiment and put in words your continued love after all these years. It is a nice topic for a poem.

The poem has some good strong points, but overall, it needs improvement. Some lines are very forced by rearranging the rules of grammar. There are ways to do this without being as forced.

Are you relatively new to writing poetry? A common error of beginning poets is to allow the rhyming words to drive the construction of the lines. That is what can lead to forced poetry. Let the lines flow first and craft the rhymes to fit within this, and you'll have a much stronger poem.

It certainly takes a blend of both rhyme and flow and these can work harmoniously together.

You wrote:

You sit across the room from me,
Your familiar silhouette I can see,
I don't need to look, in my mind it stays,
I can picture you, anywhere, always.

The way your hair flicks, the look in your eyes,
The lift to your eyebrows as if in surprise,
The sound of your voice, the turn of a phrase,
It's as if time stands still and as always

I feel comfort just from you being there,
So glad you chose me as your wife; to share
Our lives in ways that still amaze,
My heart skips a beat, just as always.


++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Read it as slowly as you can emphasizing each syllable, then go back and read it as fast as you can without missing a beat. This will help you to see how this poem has little or no flow to it, and the language is forced. Here are some suggested revisions.

I'm doing this to show you the possibilites of making it flow better. I may not use the heart and sentiment you would use and you'll have to add that yourself later, but to illustrate the potential improvements to the rhythm and flow I'll change some words around.

Here goes:

You sit across the room from me,
Your silhouette I clearly see,
No need to look, you're always there
I picture you just anywhere.

The flick in your hair, the look in your eyes,
The lift to your brows as if in surprise,
The sound of your voice, the turn of a phrase,
As if frozen in time through all of our days.

You comfort my soul by just being there,
You chose me to be your wife and to share
The love that we have, an amazing feat,
And as ever it has, my heart skips a beat.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Read that slowly and then quickly as before and I think you'll see the dramatic improvement in rhythm and flow. It is not perfect, I just wanted to hint at and suggest the ways it can be made better. It is your poem, so it will require your heart and thought.

Happy writing and enjoy your craft. *Cool*
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
You have definite writing ability and a story to tell, but I had some immediate problems. First off, you use was far too often. It is necessary at times, but you can add some real punch by finding alternate power verbs and rephrasing certain elelments. I'll give you a few suggestions in paragraph one to illustrate what I mean. You wrote:

"Blue River, population nothing."

Jake was a man of few words and that about summed it all up at that point. It was 4pm and the once brilliant sun was beginning its slow descent behind the dunes of this forsaken Nevada desert. Jake stood motionless staring out into the open desert. All Jake knew was it was just too damn hot to do much else. He was listening hard for anything, but here under the bluest of blue skies, the silence drowned out everything. All he succeeded in doing was cast his very long shadow. Nothin'. But he was certain the the wail of the sirens would soon arrive followed by fuzzy, heat strewn images of cop cars racing across the sand in slow motion. A veritable dust storm coming out of their asses.

===========================
Replace was a man of with spoke. It is an action verb instead of a static state of being. The "to be" verbs (am, is, are, was, were) always express a static state of being which can kill action if overused or if used to initiate things.

Replace at that point with for the moment to avoid the business or office jargon essence of at that point.

Get rid of some of the other uses of was rearrange a few words, eliminate obvious information such as All Jake knew was . . .. It is obvious this is Jake's point of view, so merely stating, It was just too damn hot to do much else, communicates that this is what Jake knew.

Also, eliminate all the Jakes. We know it is Jake, use the pronoun he.

Use the stronger image, blowing out their asses as opposed to the weaker, coming out of their asses.

Too many f***s in the rest of the story. Think of salt. You pour too much on and you can't even eat the food. You put just the right amount of salt in and you enhance the flavor of the food. I'm getting salt toxin from this story.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Sample rewrite:

"Blue River, population nothing."

Jake spoke few words and that about summed it all up for the moment. The once brilliant sun began its slow descent behind the dunes of this forsaken Nevada desert. It was 4 pm. He stared out into the open desert, standing motionless. It was just too damn hot to do much else. He listened hard for any sound, but under these bluest of blue skies, the silence drowned out everything. At least he succeeded in casting a very long shadow. Though he heard nothing, he knew the the wail of sirens would soon arrive followed by fuzzy, heat strewn images of cop cars racing across the sand in slow motion; a veritable dust storm blowing out their asses.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

This will start you off on your necessary revisions.

May I recommend a revision checklist that has helped many writers improve their craft? Here it is:

 The Power Revision Checklist Open in new Window. (E)
An awesome fourteen point revision checklist to put power and punch into your prose.
#1086861 by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon


You certainly can write and you have a story, so keep at it.

Enjoy improving your craft. *Cool*
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Review of Golden  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I do not understand why this piece is so short. Yes, it is a controversial subject, but focusing only on the very last act does not make their lives live in any way for me.

I do not know her, him, or the doctor in any way, therfore, I do not care what happens to them. There is nothing to get me personally involved in this story.

As for the issue, regardless of what this story presents, if I come to it against it, this will not impact me and change me in any way. If I am for it, I already agree, this simply amuses and I move on.

As for the writing, it is excellent. I'm not sure the use of the three dots (. . .) is appropriate, I'm thinking the dash-- is the convention to use.

www2.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1086861

Happy writing. *Cool*
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Review of The final journey  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I love the idea, I love the sentiment.

The poem doesn't flow very well. The meter and beat need work. Count your syllables per line and see how they match up. Also, follow the beat in the words to see if they are consistent.

One last thing, I'm not sure I would know that this poem was specifically about a soldier unless you told me in the description at the top of the page. The bugle hints at it, but nothing else does.

Put a little bit more soldier in it.

Again, great sentiment and great idea, just needs some refining.

Enjoy your craft.

Happy writing. *Cool*
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Review of Pigeon  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
What is the point of view of this story? It generally sounds like the 3rd person omniscient view, which is a very rare view in modern writing. To immediately make this better, change the point of view.

I recommend the third person, limited, multiple. Start out from the point of view of the older man, transition to the point of view of the child later in the story toward the end. See below for explanations of point of view.

Point of View

1st person - is used as though you are the character telling the story to someone yourself. You relate the story from your own vantage point as you understand it based on your experiences of it. This is effective if you want a very intimate story between the reader and the narrating character, but it limits other’s views and perspectives. It is very one-sided. This format was more common in times past, though it is still used.

2nd person - you - almost unheard of. “You see a fox and then you take your arrow out to shoot it.” Very rare.

3rd person omniscient - is a disembodied all-knowing voice. You see all and know all and can relate details about anything and anyone. This was very common in times past but is almost obsolete now. It is too broad and tends to make the story detached rather than sympathetic.

3rd person limited - The action is told from the perspective of one of the characters in the story, usually the main one, and is limited to what the character sees, hears, tastes, touches, smells, thinks, or experiences within themselves. You can get into the characters thoughts and feelings on a personal level, yet still have the freedom to describe other elements of the story.

3rd person limited, multiple - This is the most common format today. The action is still told from the perspective of a character, but the point of view shifts in different scenes to other characters so that we get a more rounded perspective. We see the story unfold through the eyes and perspectives of a number of characters, including, at times, the villain. There will be conflicting views and personal agendas. The reader can more readily relate to the interaction of various characters as well as see their thoughts and feelings. The smaller the story, the fewer the viewpoints are necessary.

When writing scenes, be sure to stick to one viewpoint as much as possible, make transitions of view point very clear, such as at a chapter break, scene break (empty space), or by clear wording that shows a perspective change. Stay in the character’s view point, don’t suddenly jump outside the character by describing something he can’t see, such as his own appearance.

Happy Writing
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Review of Controlled Burn  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a very nice poem and well written in an old traditional form. I personally favor some of the older forms and wish there were poets who were unafraid to develop it and get published.

The only thing I saw that arrested my attention as a departure from the form and scheme of this poem is the rhyme chosen for the end of line seven, "moment." It just doesn't fit with "spent" like the other rhymes all fit together. I suggest you rework this to find a better rhyme.
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Review of The WDC Review  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Quite an interesting approach to relating the experience of exploring another's poetry, and lots of interspersed word play and imagery.

The overall quality of the writing needs to be improved by refining it to read more clearly, especially in the larger middle section.

The third line, "There I was" may be a bit too cliche and sounds a little juvenile. Perhaps simply omitting it may be best.

The word "emersed" should be "immersed" to go with the word "within." Otherwise you would have to be "emersed from it."

The word "ensueing" is correctly spelled "ensuing."

Great idea. I think you have the basis of a great poem here, it just needs refining.
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
T.L. Finch, you've crafted a wonderful poem here. The images and tempered melancholy of the entire poem lend to the aching heart. You captured it very well.

Although I think the poem can stand as is, I do have a few minor recommendations to keep a couple lines consistent in syllabic length and flow to the others you have crafted so well.

I think the opening stanza is perfect and totally sets the mood. My suggestions are in the last two stanzas.

You wrote:

Tears In Candlelight

Your image haunts my memory
and grips my aching heart.
I think of you incessantly
we'll always be apart.

A single candle burns tonight,
reflections on the window pane.
I'll be staring in the candlelight
listening to the rain.

I gave my love right from the start,
you held me in the night.
Now I will share this broken heart
and tears in candlelight.

I think you can do more with this line:

reflections on the window pane.

You can use the word pane in a figure of speech known as homonym to elicit thoughts of the "pain" you are also feeling. To do this, eliminate the word window to highlight the pane more and rephrase the line to give the double meaning:

reflections in the pane.

Not only is the candlelight reflecting and flickering in the pane, your aching heart is now also reflecting in its pain. This also shortens the line to make it more consistent with the flow of the rest of the poem.

The next line seems out of tense:

I'll be staring in the candlelight


Instead of I'll be, which has a future tense feel to it, put the tense in the here and now, such as, I'm, so the line will read:

I'm staring in the candlelight

Finally, since this change is made here, a corresponding change is needed in the third line of the third stanza. Again, just bring the tense to the here and now. Instead of:

Now I will share this broken heart

Try:

So now I share this broken heart

Let's look at the revisions in the context:

A single candle burns tonight,
reflections in the pane.
I'm staring in the candlelight
listening to the rain.

I gave my love right from the start,
you held me in the night.
So now I share this broken heart
and tears in candlelight.

Does this improve the flow for you? It did for me. Now the second line of every stanza is the short 6 syllable line you started with in your first stanza.

One last thing that could improve flow is changing listening to lis'ning or just find a more impacting way to word this.

I didn't want to change your poem with the prior suggested revisions, but I do have a recommendation for this line that may be consistent with how you want the feel of the poem to go.

Since you (or the narrator) are sharing your aching heart with us, the reader, you are "pouring your heart out." In this light, I like this change for the line:

Pouring with the rain.

Let's see how the whole thing looks and works together now:

Tears In Candlelight

Your image haunts my memory
and grips my aching heart.
I think of you incessantly
we'll always be apart.

A single candle burns tonight,
reflections in the pane.
I'm staring in the candlelight
pouring with the rain.

I gave my love right from the start,
you held me in the night.
So now I share this broken heart
and tears in candlelight.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Read it a few times and see if you think it flows just a little better and has some stronger images and double meanings with the "pane" and "pouring."

I hope I have helped in some way. I love when people analyze my poetry because they see things that I don't. I'm usually so close to the poem and have read it so many times, it almost becomes a mantra and wouldn't sound right any other way to me, until they point some things out.

Thanks for sharing your craft with us all. Your poem shares a deep experience and communicates the hurt while hinting at a better tomorrow. After all, the rain eventually goes away and the sun comes out.

Thanks.
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Review of Hands  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Bravo! Very nice poem. Great flow and structure. Most everything is very smooth. Some small tweaks could smooth out some of the small rough spots.

Go back and read it very slowly, one syllable at a time, then read it as quickly as you can trying not to miss anything at all. By doing this, you'll reveal to yourself the rough spots. Smooth them out by adding or subtracting a syllable or changing to an accented syllable, then repeat the process. You'll get it just perfect this way.

This is a well crafted poem with a clever idea and a new way at looking at the things we do by way of a body part. Excellent job.
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Review of Grenade  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice poem with good freeform. A humorous look at being ready to explode.

I would use the dash at the end of line 5. Three dots are properly used to indicate spoken or recorded words that are missing. The dash is the proper punctuation for a pause and works better. I think it emphasizes the "Puke" much better.

You wrote:

         I want to scream, shout, cry, laugh...
         Puke.
         All at once.

Should be:

         I want to scream, shout, cry, laugh--
         Puke.
         All at once.

For a different dramatic effect, try:

         I want to scream, shout, cry, laugh
         --Puke.
         All at once.


Great job. Happy writing.
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This poem has rhyme and meter, but word choice makes it stutter at times. The way the content is presented really doesn't do anything for me. I see the vice, the sardonic joy of Beelzebub, but I'm not sure I get any point. Is it, you all screwed up in life and so I welcome you kindly to your eternal torture? There should be more to it than that.

Is Beelzeub righteous in that he gets to torture their vice out of them? It almost seems to by the underlying theme, like he's somehow the good guy righting all their wrongs.

Shouldn't he be exposed as the source of their vice, and didn't he manipulate them to trick them into hell so he can have his pleasure, which is really the core of the evil he is. I think you should show that. You can have him revel in the fact that he tricked them and now they are his victims. That would be more emotionally impacting. As it stands, the poem seems to make him the righteous punisher of their evil deeds.

Here are some specifics.

You wrote:

Welcome, my friends, to burning Hell
I hope that you enjoy your stay
It seems life didn’t go so well
All sinners to the dying day

I think adding "you" or "your" a few times will make it more personal to the "victims" who were duped fools, so maybe add that element.

Rhyme and meter are okay, but "didn't" didn't seem to fit.

Suggested sample revisions:

Welcome my fools to burning Hell
I hope you all enjoy your stay
I guess your lives did not go well
All sinners to your dying day.

The first line of the second stanza doesn't work at all. It stops the reader in his tracks and it's like you have to pick up the pace all over again. Try reworking that. You wrote:

A pleasure, Beelzebub’s the name
Let’s start out with a little fun
I know the perfect sort of game
We’ll all find out what wrongs we’ve done

Suggestion to improve flow and retain pace:

Beelzebub, the pleasure's mine
Let's start out with a little fun
I call this game Just Whince and Whine
We'll find out all the wrongs we've done.

All the remaining stanzas have the same sort of kinks in them and you should rework them adding in the element of Beelzebub's manipulation in their lives and how they fell for it. Possibly show a little regret on the sinners part to complete the picture of "you might be sorry now, but it's too late."

The ultimate message or inspiration of the poem should be something to the effect of, "Don't end up like these people. Change now before it's too late." You do not need to directly state this, just make it an underlying theme or concept.

You have good rhyming patterns, you did a great job sticking to your metered structure, this is a unique idea. Let me know if you rework it, I'll read it again.

Thanks for contributing. Enjoy the craft.
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Review of Yard Cat  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Great poem. I enjoyed it as is. Very well crafted in structure, with its stops and starts. The short phrases make this really work.

In the first stanza I'm not sure I like the "And" in the last line. I read it to myself several times just saying "Opened wide." and it seemed more poignant.

Check it yourself:

Yard Cat
sat
Near my window
Peering in from outside,
With eyes of yellow
Opened wide.

In the second stanza, the fourth line is longer than any other and seems a little stuck out to the rest of the poem (physically and mentally). Maybe cutting back on a word will bring it more in line.

Also, the final line uses the static verb "to be" [am, is, are, was, were] which can stop action and bring things to a static state of being. So I recommend eliminating it, either just say, "Finding me, his pledge." Or even say, To find me, his pledge.

See how it sounds:

Yard Cat
mapped
His way along the wall,
Stepping slightly on the ledge
With never a fall.
To finding me, his pledge.

Okay, that being said, it's your poem and it is a dandy. Again, I really liked it as is. These suggestions are my viewpoint and I'm definitely not the final answer on these things.

Enjoy your craft.
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Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! At your age this is an amazing piece. Heck, at any age this is pretty amazing, your age makes it doubly so. Great writing from the heart, great satire, sardonic humor, and wry wit. Also, great observation of huamn behavior and groups. Don't forget any of this. When you write your first novel your characters will live because of your depth of insight into humanity.

Okay, aside from what an incredible piece I think this is, it needs proofing. You know, basic stuff like dashes, punctuation, spelling, and all that tedious stuff that great writers usually pay professional editors for. Starting out, you gotta, sorta, kinda do it on your own. Oh well, small price to pay for getting known. I'm looking forward to reading more stuff you write. Great job. Thanks.
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Review of Commuter  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really loved your form, flow, rhyme, and word choice. The poem kept a nice rhythm that was as soothing as driving along with you inot the sunset. It is an easy and enjoyable read, very light and relaxing, yet deep enough in thought to evoke a sense of me being there in the scene too. Great job. I'm looking forward to your other poetry.
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Review of Brushstrokes  Open in new Window.
Review by David E. Navarro Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I enjoyed this poem and the physical arrangement. It was a nice progression through the images of twilight, night, and dawn.

I liked the second stanza the best. It seems to have more wonder, more intensity packed into it. Perhaps the other two stanzas could be fashioned to mimic that sense of wonder more.

Overall very nice poem, thanks for crafting it.
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