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Review of Pigeon  
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
What is the point of view of this story? It generally sounds like the 3rd person omniscient view, which is a very rare view in modern writing. To immediately make this better, change the point of view.

I recommend the third person, limited, multiple. Start out from the point of view of the older man, transition to the point of view of the child later in the story toward the end. See below for explanations of point of view.

Point of View

1st person - is used as though you are the character telling the story to someone yourself. You relate the story from your own vantage point as you understand it based on your experiences of it. This is effective if you want a very intimate story between the reader and the narrating character, but it limits other’s views and perspectives. It is very one-sided. This format was more common in times past, though it is still used.

2nd person - you - almost unheard of. “You see a fox and then you take your arrow out to shoot it.” Very rare.

3rd person omniscient - is a disembodied all-knowing voice. You see all and know all and can relate details about anything and anyone. This was very common in times past but is almost obsolete now. It is too broad and tends to make the story detached rather than sympathetic.

3rd person limited - The action is told from the perspective of one of the characters in the story, usually the main one, and is limited to what the character sees, hears, tastes, touches, smells, thinks, or experiences within themselves. You can get into the characters thoughts and feelings on a personal level, yet still have the freedom to describe other elements of the story.

3rd person limited, multiple - This is the most common format today. The action is still told from the perspective of a character, but the point of view shifts in different scenes to other characters so that we get a more rounded perspective. We see the story unfold through the eyes and perspectives of a number of characters, including, at times, the villain. There will be conflicting views and personal agendas. The reader can more readily relate to the interaction of various characters as well as see their thoughts and feelings. The smaller the story, the fewer the viewpoints are necessary.

When writing scenes, be sure to stick to one viewpoint as much as possible, make transitions of view point very clear, such as at a chapter break, scene break (empty space), or by clear wording that shows a perspective change. Stay in the character’s view point, don’t suddenly jump outside the character by describing something he can’t see, such as his own appearance.

Happy Writing
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102
Review of Controlled Burn  
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a very nice poem and well written in an old traditional form. I personally favor some of the older forms and wish there were poets who were unafraid to develop it and get published.

The only thing I saw that arrested my attention as a departure from the form and scheme of this poem is the rhyme chosen for the end of line seven, "moment." It just doesn't fit with "spent" like the other rhymes all fit together. I suggest you rework this to find a better rhyme.
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Review of The WDC Review  
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: E | (3.5)
Quite an interesting approach to relating the experience of exploring another's poetry, and lots of interspersed word play and imagery.

The overall quality of the writing needs to be improved by refining it to read more clearly, especially in the larger middle section.

The third line, "There I was" may be a bit too cliche and sounds a little juvenile. Perhaps simply omitting it may be best.

The word "emersed" should be "immersed" to go with the word "within." Otherwise you would have to be "emersed from it."

The word "ensueing" is correctly spelled "ensuing."

Great idea. I think you have the basis of a great poem here, it just needs refining.
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104
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: E | (4.0)
T.L. Finch, you've crafted a wonderful poem here. The images and tempered melancholy of the entire poem lend to the aching heart. You captured it very well.

Although I think the poem can stand as is, I do have a few minor recommendations to keep a couple lines consistent in syllabic length and flow to the others you have crafted so well.

I think the opening stanza is perfect and totally sets the mood. My suggestions are in the last two stanzas.

You wrote:

Tears In Candlelight

Your image haunts my memory
and grips my aching heart.
I think of you incessantly
we'll always be apart.

A single candle burns tonight,
reflections on the window pane.
I'll be staring in the candlelight
listening to the rain.

I gave my love right from the start,
you held me in the night.
Now I will share this broken heart
and tears in candlelight.

I think you can do more with this line:

reflections on the window pane.

You can use the word pane in a figure of speech known as homonym to elicit thoughts of the "pain" you are also feeling. To do this, eliminate the word window to highlight the pane more and rephrase the line to give the double meaning:

reflections in the pane.

Not only is the candlelight reflecting and flickering in the pane, your aching heart is now also reflecting in its pain. This also shortens the line to make it more consistent with the flow of the rest of the poem.

The next line seems out of tense:

I'll be staring in the candlelight


Instead of I'll be, which has a future tense feel to it, put the tense in the here and now, such as, I'm, so the line will read:

I'm staring in the candlelight

Finally, since this change is made here, a corresponding change is needed in the third line of the third stanza. Again, just bring the tense to the here and now. Instead of:

Now I will share this broken heart

Try:

So now I share this broken heart

Let's look at the revisions in the context:

A single candle burns tonight,
reflections in the pane.
I'm staring in the candlelight
listening to the rain.

I gave my love right from the start,
you held me in the night.
So now I share this broken heart
and tears in candlelight.

Does this improve the flow for you? It did for me. Now the second line of every stanza is the short 6 syllable line you started with in your first stanza.

One last thing that could improve flow is changing listening to lis'ning or just find a more impacting way to word this.

I didn't want to change your poem with the prior suggested revisions, but I do have a recommendation for this line that may be consistent with how you want the feel of the poem to go.

Since you (or the narrator) are sharing your aching heart with us, the reader, you are "pouring your heart out." In this light, I like this change for the line:

Pouring with the rain.

Let's see how the whole thing looks and works together now:

Tears In Candlelight

Your image haunts my memory
and grips my aching heart.
I think of you incessantly
we'll always be apart.

A single candle burns tonight,
reflections in the pane.
I'm staring in the candlelight
pouring with the rain.

I gave my love right from the start,
you held me in the night.
So now I share this broken heart
and tears in candlelight.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Read it a few times and see if you think it flows just a little better and has some stronger images and double meanings with the "pane" and "pouring."

I hope I have helped in some way. I love when people analyze my poetry because they see things that I don't. I'm usually so close to the poem and have read it so many times, it almost becomes a mantra and wouldn't sound right any other way to me, until they point some things out.

Thanks for sharing your craft with us all. Your poem shares a deep experience and communicates the hurt while hinting at a better tomorrow. After all, the rain eventually goes away and the sun comes out.

Thanks.
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105
Review of Hands  
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: E | (4.5)
Bravo! Very nice poem. Great flow and structure. Most everything is very smooth. Some small tweaks could smooth out some of the small rough spots.

Go back and read it very slowly, one syllable at a time, then read it as quickly as you can trying not to miss anything at all. By doing this, you'll reveal to yourself the rough spots. Smooth them out by adding or subtracting a syllable or changing to an accented syllable, then repeat the process. You'll get it just perfect this way.

This is a well crafted poem with a clever idea and a new way at looking at the things we do by way of a body part. Excellent job.
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Review of Grenade  
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very nice poem with good freeform. A humorous look at being ready to explode.

I would use the dash at the end of line 5. Three dots are properly used to indicate spoken or recorded words that are missing. The dash is the proper punctuation for a pause and works better. I think it emphasizes the "Puke" much better.

You wrote:

         I want to scream, shout, cry, laugh...
         Puke.
         All at once.

Should be:

         I want to scream, shout, cry, laugh--
         Puke.
         All at once.

For a different dramatic effect, try:

         I want to scream, shout, cry, laugh
         --Puke.
         All at once.


Great job. Happy writing.
107
107
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
This poem has rhyme and meter, but word choice makes it stutter at times. The way the content is presented really doesn't do anything for me. I see the vice, the sardonic joy of Beelzebub, but I'm not sure I get any point. Is it, you all screwed up in life and so I welcome you kindly to your eternal torture? There should be more to it than that.

Is Beelzeub righteous in that he gets to torture their vice out of them? It almost seems to by the underlying theme, like he's somehow the good guy righting all their wrongs.

Shouldn't he be exposed as the source of their vice, and didn't he manipulate them to trick them into hell so he can have his pleasure, which is really the core of the evil he is. I think you should show that. You can have him revel in the fact that he tricked them and now they are his victims. That would be more emotionally impacting. As it stands, the poem seems to make him the righteous punisher of their evil deeds.

Here are some specifics.

You wrote:

Welcome, my friends, to burning Hell
I hope that you enjoy your stay
It seems life didn’t go so well
All sinners to the dying day

I think adding "you" or "your" a few times will make it more personal to the "victims" who were duped fools, so maybe add that element.

Rhyme and meter are okay, but "didn't" didn't seem to fit.

Suggested sample revisions:

Welcome my fools to burning Hell
I hope you all enjoy your stay
I guess your lives did not go well
All sinners to your dying day.

The first line of the second stanza doesn't work at all. It stops the reader in his tracks and it's like you have to pick up the pace all over again. Try reworking that. You wrote:

A pleasure, Beelzebub’s the name
Let’s start out with a little fun
I know the perfect sort of game
We’ll all find out what wrongs we’ve done

Suggestion to improve flow and retain pace:

Beelzebub, the pleasure's mine
Let's start out with a little fun
I call this game Just Whince and Whine
We'll find out all the wrongs we've done.

All the remaining stanzas have the same sort of kinks in them and you should rework them adding in the element of Beelzebub's manipulation in their lives and how they fell for it. Possibly show a little regret on the sinners part to complete the picture of "you might be sorry now, but it's too late."

The ultimate message or inspiration of the poem should be something to the effect of, "Don't end up like these people. Change now before it's too late." You do not need to directly state this, just make it an underlying theme or concept.

You have good rhyming patterns, you did a great job sticking to your metered structure, this is a unique idea. Let me know if you rework it, I'll read it again.

Thanks for contributing. Enjoy the craft.
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Review of Yard Cat  
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Great poem. I enjoyed it as is. Very well crafted in structure, with its stops and starts. The short phrases make this really work.

In the first stanza I'm not sure I like the "And" in the last line. I read it to myself several times just saying "Opened wide." and it seemed more poignant.

Check it yourself:

Yard Cat
sat
Near my window
Peering in from outside,
With eyes of yellow
Opened wide.

In the second stanza, the fourth line is longer than any other and seems a little stuck out to the rest of the poem (physically and mentally). Maybe cutting back on a word will bring it more in line.

Also, the final line uses the static verb "to be" [am, is, are, was, were] which can stop action and bring things to a static state of being. So I recommend eliminating it, either just say, "Finding me, his pledge." Or even say, To find me, his pledge.

See how it sounds:

Yard Cat
mapped
His way along the wall,
Stepping slightly on the ledge
With never a fall.
To finding me, his pledge.

Okay, that being said, it's your poem and it is a dandy. Again, I really liked it as is. These suggestions are my viewpoint and I'm definitely not the final answer on these things.

Enjoy your craft.
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Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! At your age this is an amazing piece. Heck, at any age this is pretty amazing, your age makes it doubly so. Great writing from the heart, great satire, sardonic humor, and wry wit. Also, great observation of huamn behavior and groups. Don't forget any of this. When you write your first novel your characters will live because of your depth of insight into humanity.

Okay, aside from what an incredible piece I think this is, it needs proofing. You know, basic stuff like dashes, punctuation, spelling, and all that tedious stuff that great writers usually pay professional editors for. Starting out, you gotta, sorta, kinda do it on your own. Oh well, small price to pay for getting known. I'm looking forward to reading more stuff you write. Great job. Thanks.
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Review of Commuter  
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really loved your form, flow, rhyme, and word choice. The poem kept a nice rhythm that was as soothing as driving along with you inot the sunset. It is an easy and enjoyable read, very light and relaxing, yet deep enough in thought to evoke a sense of me being there in the scene too. Great job. I'm looking forward to your other poetry.
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Review of Brushstrokes  
Review by David E. Navarro
Rated: E | (3.5)
I enjoyed this poem and the physical arrangement. It was a nice progression through the images of twilight, night, and dawn.

I liked the second stanza the best. It seems to have more wonder, more intensity packed into it. Perhaps the other two stanzas could be fashioned to mimic that sense of wonder more.

Overall very nice poem, thanks for crafting it.
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