Beautiful words, MarysTears. Your faith shines through, your rhythm is consistent, and your rhymes are not forced.
Normally, I don't offer lots of suggestions for changes in poetry. To me, poetry is a very personal thing, and that's especially true when one is writing about one's relationship to God. That being said, I do think this would sound much better as, "The One who makes me whole."
Welcome to Writing.com. We're glad you're here!
Blessings,
Kenzie
"We do not correct a piece of writing; in doing so, we question a life." William Stafford
Great job! The links you provided in this one will certainly be valuable tools to anyone interested in learning more about Asperger's. That British teen's site is wonderful.
Excellent job of informing about Asperger's. Indeed, it is not easy to take care of someone with Asperger's. At least now there is some information available and there are some professionals who seem to be informed. When my son was little, it was assumed that I was just an over-reactive mom.
Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Kenzie
Explaining My Son (ASR) Living with Asperger's Syndrome. Yes, it can be done. Diagnosis helps. #701941 by Kenzie
Great story! The descriptions were great, as was the emotion. You really got us feeling sorry for this character. And then that ending? What a surprise. In a few short words, you said a bunch.
I did notice that you had a typo: om Acorn Street instead of on.
Well said, Viv. This description surely hit home with me:
At times, my skin hurts so much that a sheet brushing my legs or arms brings me out of bed to escape. I feel as if my skin is on fire while tiny needles stick into me everywhere. That description isn’t exactly correct, but it’s as close as I can get to the real thing.
I did notice this: Some times I don’t have a choice. Sometimes
"But when he would see a woman, he will be nice and enthralling as long as she laughed at his kooky jokes. The moment she starts doubting him, he would become the hell’s angel on Harley showing his true colors."
Your story is writen in past tense, and to keep that up, these sentences should be:
But when he saw a woman, he acted nice and enthralling as long as she laughed at his kooky jokes. The moment she doubted him, he became the hell’s angel on Harley showing his true colors.
Wow, what a story. I was glued to the screen once I started to read...and couldn't stop. If there were any typos or other mistakes, they weren't obvious enough to make me slow down while I was reading.
I wish stories like this were beyond our real world. But they're not.
Good writing and an excellent message. I'm glad this one was featured in the spiritual newsletter.
I particularly liked your ending:
"But mostly I’ll be grateful for a lesson that took 46 years and lots of wasted time spent whining to learn…every day we live, every person we encounter, every situation we face, no matter how foreboding, offers us the opportunity for joy. We just have to decide to find our exclamation point."
Good for you. The lesson, I mean. Good poem too, though. Good rhythm and rhyme. There were a few lines that might be "tweaked" to have perfect flow, but the great message makes up for that.
Alcoholism runs in my family, so I guess I can relate...
Intersting tale. Dentists appointments are always scary, so the imagination can really go wild with stories...as you've proven.
Some suggestions:
Brett was as paranoid as usual about seeing a stranger, especially one that will soon have his hands inside his mouth.
Should be: one that would soon...
The man they were showing on the news looked an awful lot like the dentist he had gone to.
I would probably change this sentence so it didn't end in a preposition.
Marina came into the bedroom to call Brett for breakfast, as she walked through the door she was taken aback by the grim expression on her husbands face.
This should be two sentences or should have a semi-colon between the two complete thoughts. You also need an apostrophe for "husband's face."
Fantastic. I loved some of your word choices. And I laughed when I read what women usually do when they are abandoned: "She would start a cat collection, grow bristles on her chin, let her blood distil to vinegar."
I did notice this typo: Being inland, amny will stay to protect (many)
Also, there was one sentence that ended with "is" that I might change.
This storm is still so big, that there will probably be lots of damage even if it weakens to a category 3 hurricane. I worry about some of the elderly where I used to live (Brazoria County) deciding to stay.
I would suggest that you stick to one verb tense, though. You started out using past tense: There was... Then you switched to present tense: Jill comes over...
Actually, I'd probably change that sentence too. Instead of writing, "Jill comes over and sits down by Sally and her friends so she could make friends," (and keeping past tense verbs going, how about: Jill sat down by Sally and her friends...?
Thanks for writing this, a Sunflower in Texas. I'm glad it's been documented like this. As I sit here in Ohio, I think about my years in Lake Jackson/Freeport area of Texas and I wonder if some of the older and stubborn residents there have evacuated. Freeport floods with just a few hours of rain, and so many of the homes have not been well maintained because the home owners are poor or elderly or both.
And I was in Houston back in '83 for Alicia. We were without power for 3 weeks.
I've lived in Florida and Texas, and although I do miss the weather there, I don't miss hurricanes.
Thanks again for this one. One suggestion: As of this date, evacuees are leaving the fewer shelter which remain open. (Did you mean "few shelters"?)
Wow, what a story. For me, it's just one more reason not to drink at all.
But then, I have a brother who is dying because of damage to his liver and kidneys caused by drinking. My mother has alchohol induced dementia. Yep, I'm pretty much against drinking.
Thanks for the well written reminder about who is the real Author.
Indeed, it does seem a worthy goal sometimes to want to be well known, especially if one is writing and sharing about Him. But you know...if you just receive one letter from someone who wants to know more about Him because of words you've written (with Him as your guide), then that's worth more than fame and fortune.
Yikes. I "got it" as soon as the story within the story began. But even as I read, I realized that history is often lost this very same way. It's often ignored, changed, exaggerated.
My only thought is that you've probably used a few too many commas.
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The descriptions were great, as was the emotion. You really got us feeling sorry for this character. And then that ending? What a surprise. In a few short words, you said a bunch.
