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526
526
Review of Naked Murder  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Mystery Newsletter dated July 29 and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is a delightfully creative little tale where I think you did a very good job with the prompts.

Characters: Your characters were realistically drawn even though you had little space in which to thoroughly develop them.

Dialog: Dialog seems realistic under these circumstances.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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527
527
Review of A Masterpiece  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful little poem that seems as if it might have been written for a newborn child. Terrific! I loved the picture you painted here.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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528
528
Review of I'll try - Edited  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: I can easily imagine this as a very, very sad song of love lost yet never forgotten. (The kind I used to love to sing way back when.) I especially liked the chorus. Do you also do the music for your lyrics?

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘Your still apart of me'
Suggest: You're still a part of me


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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529
529
Review of God  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful piece that bespeaks of the mysteries all around us that all too often go unnoticed. This is a terrific reminder of all of the "everyday miracles", we frequently ignore.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Some of the sentences here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ I don’t know with certainty if when I die there will be something more '
Suggest: I don’t know with certainty if, when I die, there will be something more


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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530
530
Review of Thinking of You  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting poem, but I'm not sure of the message you're trying to get across. It seems to be addressing a broken love relationship due to addictions that the significant other doesn't understand the hold on the addicted - but I may be way off base.

Grammar & Punctuation: The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized.

Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ too many words and i feel like scum.'
Suggest: too many words and I feel like scum.

In this line, ‘ but you cant see my predictions with the lies your speaking'
Suggest: but you can't see my predictions with the lies you're speaking


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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531
531
Review of Daffodils Haiku  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a nice tribute to an event that many of us have always looked forward to after a long hard winter. I think you might be able to improve some of the word choices to paint a more colorful picture.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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532
532
Review of Endless wants  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very intriguing poem that I feel is sort of "open to interpretation". I was a bit confused whether we were talking about a girl/woman who has essentially driven her man away by her attitude or had they been involuntarily separated by the military or something.

Grammar & Punctuation: Only one suggestion:

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ as soft and beautiful as the skys?'
Suggest: as soft and beautiful as the skies?


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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533
533
Review of Easter Justice  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very nice little story with a rather unexpected ending.

Characters: Your narrator is very believable and one can feel his lonliness when he fixes himself a “special breakfast”. Terrific.

Dialog: Dialog is minimal, but feels natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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534
534
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated July 29 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful and moving story of a mother’s sacrifices.

Characters: Your two main are very believable. You do a nice job of putting the reader in Winnie’s shoes.

Dialog: What dialog utilized sounds natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, , ‘ they stared into each others eyes’
Suggest: they stared into each other’s eyes

In this phrase, ‘ How her Mom, Esther, ‘
Suggest: How her mom, Esther,

In this phrase, ‘ She worked two full time jobs’
Suggest: She worked two full-time jobs

In this phrase, ‘ Denny and Winnnie Addison,’
Suggest: Denny and Winnie Addison,

In this phrase, ‘Denny had shoulder length curly black hair.’
Suggest: Denny had shoulder-length curly black hair.

In this phrase, ‘ ocean floor was alive with luminest starfish,’
Suggest: ocean floor was alive with luminous starfish,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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535
535
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: I found this poem very informative as I know little about fish in general. After reading this I can certainly understand your fascination for them.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ but whee are the fish pictures on here?’
Suggest: but where are the fish pictures on here?

In this line, ‘ A 150 gallon aquarium should work well,'
Suggest: A 150-gallon aquarium should work well,

In this line, ‘ only one cave he choose to be in,'
Suggest: only one cave he chose to be in,

In this line, ‘ the light hollow tre log,'
Suggest: the light hollow tree log,

In this line, ‘ the favorite place o swimming and non-swimming fish.'
Suggest: the favorite place of swimming and non-swimming fish.

In this line, ‘ Beware of sharks, friendly an unfriendly,'
Suggest: Beware of sharks, friendly and unfriendly,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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536
536
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: I found this poem to be very sad - the language of a love that once burned so bright, but the fire has gone out only leaving the bitter ashes of what once had been.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.

These comments are only my personal opinion. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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537
537
Review of Imps  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Request Reviews Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: Oh wow! What a chilling little story! I just love the surprise at the end, even though it made “my blood run cold”.

Characters: You do an excellent job of depicting the old man and revealing his “true self”.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. Good luck with the contest. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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538
538
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, Jaye here. I'm reviewing this chapter at your request.

General Impressions: This is a very good beginning chapter that apparently goes back in time from the Prologue. You attract reader interest and carry it on through.

Characters: You have done a good job of making all of the major characters believable.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural and is realisitic.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Suggest a thorough proofread and edit watching for verb tenses, confusion of “your” for “you’re”, “were” for “we’re” and “to” for “too”, plus the types of things listed below.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ There wasn't anything within a ten mile radius’
Suggest: There wasn't anything within a ten-mile radius

In this phrase, ‘ Logan had awed at the sheer simplicity’
Suggest: Logan was awed at the sheer simplicity

In this phrase, ‘ how things in nature co existed so well’
Suggest: how things in nature coexisted so well

In this phrase, ‘ Logan had repaired out of his own handy work,’
Suggest: Logan had repaired with his own handy work,

In this phrase, ‘ the grass was in need of it's weekly trim.’
Suggest: the grass was in need of its weekly trim.

In this phrase, ‘ but it was and always would be there.’
Suggest: but it was, and always would be, there.

In this phrase, ‘ still well above average human eye sight,’
Suggest: still well above average human eyesight,

In this phrase, ‘ That would make their relationship null in void,’
Suggest: That would make their relationship null and void,

In this phrase, ‘ Logan found himself with a unrelenting priority’
Suggest: Logan found himself with an unrelenting priority

In this phrase, ‘due to the fact she had sunken every dime of her hard earned money into purchasing it,’
Suggest: due to the fact she had sunk every dime of her hard-earned money into purchasing it,

In this phrase, ‘ legends and mythology that lied just beneath the surface.’
Suggest: legends and mythology that lay just beneath the surface.

In this phrase, ‘ Her mothers face seemed to relax then,’
Suggest: Her mother’s face seemed to relax then,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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539
539
Review of The End  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie’s Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This piece does a terrific job of building tension throughout – until the very end. It seems as if there is a “message” in this piece and feel that could be made more clear. Would suggest that this tale be continued on.

Characters: You get across the feelings of pressure on the main character very nicely. Would like to know more about what is driving him.

Dialog: No dialog is employed.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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540
540
Review of The Night People  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie’s Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very good story of unexplained or misunderstood things.

Characters: You’ve done a good job of depicting your two main characters through both dialog and actions. We can experience the feelings right along with them.

Dialog: Dialogue seems realistic and natural.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative and/or dialog.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ hair tied up in a professional looking bun.’
Suggest: hair tied up in a professional-looking bun.

In this phrase, ‘ The room in which she currently occupied’
Suggest: The room which she currently occupied

In this phrase, ‘ and a toddler sized table
Suggest: and a toddler-sized table

In this sentence, ‘ Demetria Barker, daughter of Harry Barker, one of the top men in Apple Corporations.
Suggest: Incomplete sentence – has no verb.

In this sentence, ‘ “Great job Demetria!
Suggest: “Great job, Demetria!

In this sentence, ‘ Her patient wasn’t coming till another half hour.’
Suggest: Her patient wasn’t coming for another half hour.

In this phrase, ‘ choking them till they withered;’
Suggest: choking them ‘til they withered;


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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541
541
Review of Lonely Road  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very nice poem with a very good message that illustrates how sometimes it take a real "knock on the head" to wake a person up.

Grammar & Punctuation: Apostrophes are needed in contractions such as "I'm", "it's" and "ain't", as well as to show possession.

When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ I HEAR VOICE A VOICE IN MY HEAD TELLING ME TO WAKE UP'
Suggest: I HEAR A VOICE IN MY HEAD TELLING ME TO WAKE UP


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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542
542
Review of Cristie  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a good story, but I don't think the point you're trying to make gets across. I had to go back and re-read the beginning to try to tie the dream into where the story ended up. Think it needs some clarification.

Characters: Your viewpoint character was difficult for me to relate to as I didn’t feel as if really understood where she was coming from. From your description I assume the problems with the parents are causing a distance between what she allows herself to have with the boyfriend even though she really wants a much closer relationship.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural and realistic.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ I knew it anywhere;'
Suggest: I'd know it anywhere;

In this phrase, ‘ light brown eyes managed to project herself in a light, flirty way.'
Suggest: light brown eyes managed to project her in a light, flirty way.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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543
543
Review of Sometimes  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very intriguing poem that seems to carry a tone of outrage at the "sins of society".

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ I am no longer societys mindless sex slave'
Suggest: I am no longer society's mindless sex slave

In this line, ‘ May they indulge into their mindless mental masturbation'
Suggest: May they indulge in their mindless mental masturbation


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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544
544
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very sweet poem that does an excellent job of describing the feelings of a man in love.

Grammar & Punctuation: I believe your title should read, "A Lover's Ramblings". The same holds true for the "lover's" in the description.

Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ Your touch sets me a blaze’
Suggest: Your touch sets me ablaze

In this line, ‘ The point to my rambling is simple my dear
Suggest: The point to my rambling is simple, my dear


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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545
545
Review of Wolven: Prologue  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an intriguing prologue where you have certainly chosen an attention-getting scene with which to begin.

Characters: You have done a good job of putting the reader into Logan’s viewpoint and showing us the treatment he’s experiencing. However, I was a bit confused by just what sort of “character” he is. It may be the name “Wolven” which I was thinking wolf pack, but then “his hands” were referred to and I became confused.

Dialog: No dialog is employed.

Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ This fire had lay dormant within Logan’
Suggest: This fire had lain dormant within Logan

In this phrase, ‘ and fractured bone within his body (and they were quite a few of them),’
Suggest: and fractured bones within his body (and they were quite a few of them),

In this phrase, ‘ he had the desire to fight and the determination to fight win.’
Suggest: he had the desire to fight and the determination to win.

In this phrase, ‘ fight for everything he has every cared for’
Suggest: fight for everything he has ever cared for


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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546
546
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie’s Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a very nice little story. I don’t know if you had a word limit, but I would like to see more of this relationship prior to this part.

Characters: I really couldn’t relate much to the main character, perhaps because I didn’t really feel that I knew her.

Dialog: The little dialog used seemed realistic though not too telling.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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547
547
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie’s Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a good piece although you do give away the ending in the description.

Characters: You do a good job of describing your main character. You might however get the reader to know him better if your showed these various happenings rather than just tell us about them.

Dialog: No dialog is employed.

Grammar & Punctuation:

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase , ‘I just kind of think its all a big joke now.’
Suggest: I just kind of think it’s all a big joke now.

In this sentence, ‘ All gone in the blind of an eye.’
Suggest: All gone in the blink of an eye.

In this phrase, ‘ flat on a flea bitten council backwater.’
Suggest: flat on a flea-bitten council backwater.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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548
548
Review of Shyn  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie’s Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a good scenario but it could be enhanced with the inclusion of some backstory of the relationship between the two

Characters: The main character could be better defined so that the reader could not only visualize her, but feel her loss right along with her.

Dialog: Little dialog is employed.

Format: You might want to add a line between all the paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase , ‘ she had bought of the Internet from some random guy’
Suggest: she had bought off the Internet from some random guy

In this phrase, ‘ that is about all I'll ever need baby.” she said aloud ‘
Suggest: that is about all I'll ever need, baby,” she said aloud

In this phrase, ‘ made them burst into laughs.’
Suggest: made them burst into laughter.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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549
549
Review of Ghosts  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie’s Listing and was intrigued by the title.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is a good story but it left me wanting to know more – about the brothers’ relationship, whether or not the dream ever recurred, etc.

Characters: You did a good job of portraying Xavier, but he doesn’t always come across as sympathetic.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and natural-sounding.

Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: .
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase , ‘ Shortly after my eighteenth birthday my younger brother’
Suggest: Shortly after my eighteenth birthday, my younger brother

In this phrase, ‘ a near finished cigarette in her fingers.’
Suggest: a near-finished cigarette in her fingers.

In this phrase, ‘ She’s slender and pretty, if it weren’t any other time’
Suggest: She’s slender and pretty, if it were any other time

In this sentence, ‘ “What brings you to this park Amy?” ‘
Suggest: “What brings you to this park, Amy?”

In this sentence, ‘ Later that morning Thomas is sat on the end of my bed.’
Suggest: Later that morning, Thomas is sitting on the end of my bed.


These comments are only my personal opinion. This story has a lot of potential and deserves the additional work it may need. Keep writing!

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550
550
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Newbie’s Listing and was intrigued by the title and description.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

General Impressions: This is an interesting piece that seems as if it might have been painful to write.

Format: This sentence, ‘And when I say "by the grace of God", you will find out later how ironic that is for me to say.’ seems like author interference.

Grammar & Punctuation: Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase , ‘ ditch to the mangled, upside down pontiac.’
Suggest: ditch to the mangled, upside-down Pontiac.

In this phrase , ‘ it had flipped end over end maybe 5 times.’
Suggest: it had flipped end-over-end maybe five times.

In this sentence, ‘ I searched the brush and gullies finding nothing or anyone.’
Suggest: I searched the brush and gullies finding nothing or no one.
or: I searched the brush and gullies not finding anything or anyone.

In this phrase, ‘ at the Phenix City fire department.’
Suggest: at the Phoenix City Fire Department.

In this phrase, ‘ still living at home 25 year old junkie’
Suggest: still-living-at-home 25-year-old junkie

In this phrase, ‘ other people in side my own mind.’
Suggest: other people inside my own mind.

In this sentence, ‘ I often think what's worse that being crazy?’
Suggest: Clarify the meaning.

In this phrases, ‘ partly to blame with my emotions towards women. I had a physicallyand very verbally’
Suggest: partly to blame for my emotions towards women. I had a physically and very verbally


These comments are only my personal opinion. This story has a lot of potential and deserves the additional work it may need. Keep writing!


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