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501
501
Review of Threshold  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an absolutely fascinating story. I just loved it!

Characters: You did a very good job of creating Russell and allowing us to envision both his "before" and "after".

Dialog: What little dialog used sounds believable.

Plot: You did a terrific job with the plot, slowly building it with happenings increasingly harder to avoid or ignore.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ the city as it passed by through the window.'
Suggest: the city as it passed by outside the window.

In this phrase, ‘ The new comer looked around '
Suggest: The newcomer looked around

In this phrase, ‘ With a tip of his ever present cowboy hat,'
Suggest: With a tip of his ever-present cowboy hat,

In this phrase, ‘ a diamond shaped birthmark about half an inch across.'
Suggest: a diamond-shaped birthmark about half-an-inch across.

In this phrase, ‘ the lights flickers and then went out completely.'
Suggest: the lights flickered and then went out completely.

In this sentence, ‘ Something change. '
Suggest: Something changed.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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502
502
Review of Darwin's Journey  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is an absolutely delightful piece of how dreams of immortality can be suddenly and extricably sidetracked.

Characters: Your professor is a really believable character, as are his ambitions and thus his quest.

Dialog: Dialog, though sparing, seems natural and realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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503
503
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm reviewing this piece today for the Rising Stars Member-to-Member Reviews.

General Impressions: This is a good beginning where you have certainly gained my interest.

Characters: Your main character is well-defined and we are able to understand what she is going through.

Dialog: No dialog is employed though that is understandable in an autobiographical piece.

Format: Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ spending the first few months of 2008 in nursing home.'
Suggest: spending the first few months of 2008 in a nursing home.

In this phrase, ‘ given my obese and out of shape status,'
Suggest: given my obese and out-of-shape status,



These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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504
504
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm reviewing this piece today for the Rising Stars Member-to-Member Reviews.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful little story. I love ghost stories! You have done a great job in making this entirely believable.

Characters: Your characters are very believable and seem to be "normal people".

Dialog: Dialog seems natural and realistic.

Format: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ Bea was my great grandmother, the one we just left grieving over her the death of her first child out of eight children'
Suggest: Clarify this sentence.

In this phrase, ‘ either old enough to do the back breaking work on the farm'
Suggest: either old enough to do the back-breaking work on the farm

In this phrase, ‘ introduced himself to his six year old neice'
Suggest: introduced himself to his six-year-old neice


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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505
505
Review of Pepper Kisses  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm reviewing this piece today for the Rising Stars Member-to-Member Reviews.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting piece. However, since it is only a portion of a "community-written" novel it's rather hard to judge its individual merit. I thought, at first, that the mother you referred to in your intro was Jim's mother, but a second check seems as if it the boy's mother.

Characters: This is a very intriguing character you've devised here and I, for one, would like to know more about him. You might want to further fill him out in his own story as he sounds fascinating.

Dialog: The dialog seems natural and believable.

Grammar & Punctuation:

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ "K" '
Suggest: " 'K' "


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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506
506
Review of Faithful Women  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm reviewing this piece today for Rising Stars Member-to-Member Reviews.

General Impressions: This is a very good and inspiring piece that should renew the faith of many.

Format: This is one long paragraph. Suggest breaking it into shorter ones.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ can only come from one source. The Father, Son and the Holy Spirit.'
Suggest: can only come from one source - The Father,

In this sentence, ‘ Ordinary women serving and extraordinary God.'
Suggest: Ordinary women serving an extraordinary God.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo

507
507
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm reviewing this piece for the Rising Stars Member-to-Member Reviews.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful little piece where you've written some terrific description of the place and the residents who live there. These pictures painted made me homesick for the fields and woodlands that I used to roam.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo

508
508
Review of Quiet Memory  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm reviewing your story today for the Rising Stars Member-to-Member Reviews.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful little story that was a real delight to read.

Characters: You have done an excellent job of portraying Father Samuel as a really human person.

Dialog: No dialog is utilized.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo
509
509
Review of Night Action  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with Rising Stars of WdC  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I'm reviewing your piece of part of August's Rising Star Member-to-Member reviews.

General Impressions: This is a thrilling read of a hot and intense battle between the few and the many.

Characters: You did a good job of personfying your characters. You might want to give them more personality by way of individual speech patterns or quirks.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural under the cincumatances.

Plot: The plot builds nicely to its climax.

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

There seems to be a considerable amount of missing punctuation, i.e. commas at the end of quotes and periods at the ends of sentences.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ “Its here somewhere” he heard the signaller '
Suggest: “It's here somewhere,” he heard the signaller

In this segment, ‘ “It’s me Corp, don’t shoot” Len whispered, “Its quiet behind us”.'
Suggest: “It’s me, Corp, don’t shoot,” Len whispered. “It's quiet behind us”.

In this phrase, ‘ “That’s their’s, Mr Green isn’t going to fire'
Suggest: “That’s theirs, Mr Green isn’t going to fire

In this phrase, ‘ answered the round faced signaller '
Suggest: answered the round-faced signaller

In this phrase, ‘ knocking Barnard of his knees sprawling in the sand.'
Suggest: knocking Barnard off his knees, sending him sprawling in the sand.

In this phrase, ‘ as he scrabbled backward in the dust. . . .he turned to scrabble toward Len '
Suggest: Replacing one "scrabble".

In this phrase, ‘ smile as he helped page climb on board '
Suggest: smile as he helped Page climb on board.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


beautiful signatures crafted by dear terryjroo



510
510
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a strange, strange story. I found it weird that the person being run from was the person himself.

Characters: You did a good job of putting the reader into the mind of the narrator - even though I got lost there!

Dialog: No dialog per se is utilized.

Format: Some of the paragraphs here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ I decided to take a shortcut through the dense woods of Redpine Valley, as they offer a much faster way home than the main roads, against my better judgment.'
Suggest: I decided, against my better judgment, to take a shortcut through the dense woods of Redpine Valley, as they offer a much faster way home than the main roads.

In this segment, ‘ he went into the same forest I am currently running through. The fear now rises within me, thus I begin to run.'
Suggest: he went into this same forest. The fear now rises within me, thus I begin to run.

In this phrase, ‘ it seems as if all the fears I have ever encountered in my past life are beginning to manifest itself into one massive and fearsome reflection.'
Suggest: all the fears . . . are beginning to manifest themselves

In this phrase, ‘ I commence to sprinting away from these men in black.'
Suggest: I commence sprinting away from these men in black.

In this phrase, ‘ reflective eye sockets follow me where ever I hide.'
Suggest: reflective eye sockets follow me wherever I hide.

In this phrase, ‘ sinister hunters is now pummeling me with their clubs savagely. '
Suggest: sinister hunters is now savagely pummeling me with their clubs.

In this phrase, ‘ myself in a freezing, gloomy looking room. '
Suggest: myself in a freezing, gloomy-looking room.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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511
511
Review of See No Evil  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the For Authors Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good story where you did an excellent job with the first-person viewpoiint. The story however seems as if it isn't finished. I, for one, wanted to know what was going on and what had happened.

Characters: You did a good job with the portrayal of the narrator and worked the other characters in through his observations.

Dialog: Dialogue if believable.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ A high school senior whose family had been upstanding members of Belzoni since it was founded,'
Suggest: A high-school senior whose family

In this phrase, ‘ and a good for nothing son-of-a-bitch.'
Suggest: and a good-for-nothing son-of-a-bitch.

In this phrase, ‘ but some of us new the real reason.'
Suggest: but some of us knew the real reason.

In this phrase, ‘ and kept fighting on till it was time to go home.'
Suggest: and kept fighting on 'til it was time to go home.

In this sentence, ‘ Most of his information he was receiving came from the diner.'
Suggest: Most of the information he was receiving came from the diner.

In this phrase, ‘ How near sighted and unprepared '
Suggest: How near-sighted and unprepared


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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512
512
Review of Old Glory  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful and very moving story that brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat.

Characters: You've done a terrific job of personifying all of the characters so that we can visualize each one and what they are going through.

Dialog: Although dialog is sparse what is used sounds natural for the circumstances.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Ears straining for the tell tale whistle of the incoming missiles,'
Suggest: Ears straining for the telltale whistle

In this phrase, ‘ Cross town rivals since Pop Warner foot-ball,'
Suggest: Crosstown rivals since Pop Warner football,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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513
513
Review of Tell Not A Soul.  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a very nice poem of a sad secret kept buried so deep inside that it cannot crack the happy facade. I did find the use of "you" a bit confusing because some of the time it seemed as if it should be "I".

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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514
514
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a terrific story even though I would have liked to have seen it more "wrapped up". Mama could have dug herself up.

Characters: You have done a very good job of personifying your main character so that I felt his reactions right along with him.

Dialog: Dialog is realistic and feels natural.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ Cheryl’s high school graduation picture.'
Suggest: Cheryl’s high-school-graduation picture.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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515
515
Review of NOAH'S ARC  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: This is a really neat poem where you've done a terrific job of describing these storms and the havoc they cause.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ It's a frantic time for all moving things to higher ground;'
Suggest: It's a frantic time for all, moving things to higher ground;


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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516
516
Review of The Holiday House  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Drama Newsletter dated August 5 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a very interesting story, though it did leave me with a lot of questions like, "Who is Kathryn?" "What is she taking the meds for?", that sort of thing.

Characters: Kathryn certainly comes across as a very lovable eccentric and the narrator as a caring friend.

Dialog: Dialog is believable and the different personalities are shown nicely through it.

Grammar & Punctuation: Watch for usage of "than" when "then" should be used.

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘ My knee is still bad from my accident last weak so I cower.'
Suggest: My knee is still bad from my accident last week, so I cower.

In this phrase, ‘ than when would Santa come?" '
Suggest: then when would Santa come?"

In this phrase, ‘ tried to make him less comfortable.'
Suggest: tried to make him more comfortable.

In this phrase, ‘ ; about six feet tall, thin and a little sparsely bowed.'
Suggest: ; about six feet tall, thin and a little sparsely boughed.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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517
517
Review of The Condition  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Short Stories Newsletter dated July 29 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a really cute story that I found absolutely hilarious. I can very easily imagine such an addiction.

Characters: Your narrator is believable and gains reader sympathy.

Dialog: Dialog is minimal but seems natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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518
518
Review of The Ghost Train  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Romance Newsletter dated July 29 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: The is a very strange story indeed, though it is a bit hard to follow in some places.

Characters: The characters seem very much alike with few individual characteristics to identify them – i.e., mannerisms, quirks, speech patterns, etc.

Dialog: Some of the dialog seems natural though some seems a bit stilted.

Format: When writing dialog, each individual speaker should have his/her own paragraph.

When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Grammar & Punctuation: This needs a considerable amount of additional work.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ saw a blonde haired bombshell wearing a long red dres.'
Suggest: saw a blonde-haired bombshell wearing a long red dress.

In this phrase, ‘ "No she doesn't and stop talking'
Suggest: "No, she doesn't, and stop talking

In this phrase, ‘ he always liked watching the sceneryy.'
Suggest: he always liked watching the scenery.

In this phrase, ‘ They heard someone complain "why does it have to be hot'
Suggest: They heard someone complain, "Why does it have to be hot

In this sentence, ‘ He walked to the friends door.'
Suggest: He walked to the friends' door.

In this phrase, ‘ door from the inside anbd laughed.'
Suggest: door from the inside and laughed.

In this sentence, ‘ "That is so typical of you Jon.'
Suggest: "That is so typical of you, Jon.

In this phrase, ‘ said, "she's always serious, isn't she?" '
Suggest: said, "She's always serious, isn't she?"


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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519
519
Review of Joseph's Prayer  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, Jaye here. I'm reviewing this piece at your request.

General Impressions: This is a very beautiful yet so very, very sad poem that moved me to tears. Yes, it certainly makes this mother's heart ache and be thankful she did not have to face this.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this line, ‘ and rescue them from rhue'
Suggest: I think you may want "rue" here.

In this line, ‘ I beg of you Almighty'
Suggest: I beg of you, Almighty

In this line, ‘ So, I ask of you, Magnificient one'
Suggest: So, I ask of you, Magnificient One


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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520
520
Review of The Secret Knower  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Romance Newsletter dated July 29 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: Wow! What a strange story. I hope I don’t meet your Knower some dark rainy night!

Characters: You do a nice job with your main character here, making her very human for the reader to understand.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural and believable.

Format: You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘that she was a 22 year old single exchange student,’
Suggest: that she was a 22-year-old single exchange student,


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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521
521
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Mystery Newsletter dated July 29 and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This is a good beginning that really grabs the reader’s interest and carries it onward. I think your main character has more courage than I would have under the same circumstances.

Characters: You do a good job of making Travis believable and gaining reader sympathy for him.

Dialog: The little dialog utilized sounds natural.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ powered by a small generator the Dr. had set up.'
Suggest: powered by a small generator the Doctor had set up.

In this sentence, ‘ Darn, Now I can’t even get some food!” '
Suggest: Darn, now I can’t even get some food!”


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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522
522
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm back for another sample of your terrific tales.

General Impressions: This is a beautiful but very sad story. I, for one, would like to know more about this little girl's life. A great tale ripe for expansion.

Characters: The characters are very believable.

Dialog: The dialog seems natural and realilstic.

Format: Numbers one through ten should be spelled out.

You may want to check the Public View as I think some line breaks aren’t where you intended.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!



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523
523
Review of Secret Admirer  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: Wow! This is certainly an impressive story that brings across very well the workings of a strange mind.

Characters: You have done a very good job of characterizing all of the main characters, giving each a personality of his/her own and bringing them to life for the reader.

Dialog: Dialog seems natural.

Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative

Grammar & Punctuation: When writing dialog and using a name, nickname, title, pronoun or noun as an address to a person, it should be set off from the rest of the sentence with commas.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ I perched behind the counter of desolate hotel lobby,'
Suggest: I perched behind the counter of the desolate hotel lobby,

In this phrase, ‘ and turned to the full length mirror behind me.'
Suggest: and turned to the full-length mirror behind me.

In this phrase, ‘ voluptuous build would most defiantly '
Suggest: voluptuous build would most definitely

In this phrase, ‘ I could see you before you left baby."
Suggest: I could see you before you left, baby."

In this phrase, ‘ shutting the door just enough so that I the front desk was still visible,
Suggest: shutting the door just enough so that the front desk was still visible,

In this phrase, ‘ two cream, no sugar.'
Suggest: two creams, no sugar.

In this sentence, ‘ “You cant stay though. '
Suggest: “You can't stay though.

In this phrase, ‘ fumed my way up to my loves first turn down room. '
Suggest: fumed my way up to my love's first turn-down room.

In this sentence, ‘ “Your so beautiful.” '
Suggest: “You're so beautiful.”


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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524
524
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece in the Mystery Newsletter dated July 29 and was intrigued by the title and description.

General Impressions: This is a good beginning to what feels like a much longer story.

Characters: You done a good job of putting the reader into the new Corporal's shoes and showing his personality through his thoughts, words and actions.

Dialog: Dialog is minimal but sounds authenically "military".

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ The two punches were off set to each other '
Suggest: The two punches were offset to each other

In this phrase, ‘ All John could do is smile and told Bailey that he is excited '
Suggest: All John could do was smile and told Bailey that he was excited

In this sentence, ‘ “So how was the big party? Anderson asked.
Suggest: “So how was the big party?" Anderson asked.

In this phrase, ‘ said, “That’s Corporal asshole to you”.
Suggest: said, “That’s Corporal Asshole to you”.

In this phrase, ‘ then whispered, “Yes Corporal”.
Suggest: then whispered, “Yes, Corporal”.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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525
525
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your piece on the Request Reviews Page and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is an interesting article that makes some good observations on human actions and reactions. You've made some good points.

Grammar & Punctuation:
Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘ a bicycle to go to classes, and I also to ride it outside of school ground to find '
Suggest: a bicycle to go to classes; I also ride it outside of the school grounds to find

In this phrase, ‘ Scenario was that riders were astounded '
Suggest: Scenario one was that riders were astounded

In this phrase, ‘ Other was that various options'
Suggest: The other was that various options

In this phrase, ‘ People behave in sub conscience in time of emergency;'
Suggest: People behave in a subconscience manner in the time of an emergency;

In this sentence, ‘ Human performs poorly on reacting to emergencies.'
Suggest: Humans performs poorly in reacting to emergencies.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!


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