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576
576
Review of Rinku is Thirsty.  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Short Story Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the excerpt

General Impressions: This is a really cute little story told through a mother’s reminiscences.

Characters: You’ve done a good job of giving each of the main characters a personality of her own.

Dialog: Dialog sounds natural and realistic for a child.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors in grammar and only a couple of punctuation suggestions.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘Singapore on a two year posting’
Suggest: two-year posting;

In this phrase, ‘There was familiar the thump-thump’
Suggest: was the familiar;

In this phrase, ‘before striking at unwarychildren.’
Suggest: at unwary children; and,

In this sentence, ‘Behind every well brought up little girl is a plush rabbit.
Suggest: every well-brought-up little girl.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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577
577
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Romance Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by Title/Description/Excerpt

General Impressions: This is a beautiful story that is not your usual vampire story, but a well-rounded tale of several interacting characters.

Favorite Part: I just loved the part where the old man related his fantastic story.

Characters: All of the characters are individuals with their own personalities and motivations.

Dialog: Dialog is natural and seems realistic.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors in grammar or punctuation.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘mixed love and hate relationship with rest of the area.’
Suggest: relationship with the rest of the area.;

In this sentence, ‘“I’ll help you. I don’t how, but I will.’
Suggest: I don’t know how, but I will.;

In this phrase, ‘We need you close your eyes’
Suggest: We need you to close your eyes;

In this phrase, ‘when we flicked the lights open.’
Suggest: when we flicked the lights on.;

In this phrase, ‘Why had Iain gone into all that trouble’
Suggest: gone to all that trouble;

In this phrase, ‘as if they would bulb out of their sockets.’
Suggest: they would bulge out;

In this sentence, ‘“I want Deanna clarify a few things.” ‘
Suggest: Deanna to clarify a few things;

In this phrase, ‘he waited until he used her to the greatest extend,’
Suggest: to the greatest extent.;

In this phrase, ‘in the dark and cloudy the sky,’
Suggest: in the dark and cloudy sky,;

In this phrase, ‘“Iain, come of it,” ‘
Suggest: “Iain, come off it,”;


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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578
578
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

General Impressions: I’m not sure these beginning chapters would generate enough reader interest to entice them to read a novel-length story.

This piece would be improved with more showing of the individual scenes and less telling of what is going on.

Characters: It really isn’t clear who is to be the “main character” here. The first person introduced is Bishop Stanley, followed by Willie in the first chapter while Jess and Carol take over Chapter 2.

Dialog: This piece contains very little back and forth dialog.

Format: Suggest eliminating the parentheses and, if the information contained adds to the story, work it into the regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: Suggest hyphenating compound adjectives, i.e., when two or more words are combined to describe a noun.

When a quotation extends to two or more paragraphs, use a quotation mark at the beginning of each paragraph but not at the end if the same person continues talking.

Suggest a thorough proofread and edit.

Specific Suggestions:
In your title on Page 1, ‘Group up Christian - - - or not!
Suggest: Grow or Growing

In this phrase, ‘on a hill over looking the village of Stanleyville,’
Suggest: hill overlooking the village

In this phrase, ‘It was a two hour drive to the valley’
Suggest: a two-hour drive

In this phrase, ‘dim light, of unknown origin, shinning out.’
Suggest: unknown origin, shining out.

In this phrase, ‘Reverend Bishop, Albert Stanley." "Just in case’
Suggest: Removing the extra quotation marks as this is still one person speaking, i.e., “Albert Stanley. Just in case”.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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579
579
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

This is a beautiful poem that made me, while I was reading, able to hear that mournful wail. It always gives me the shivers.

In this line, 'today its purpose in unrecognized, hidden meaning lies.' should it be "is unrecognized"?

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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580
580
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

This is such a very sad poem to which I can totally relate. You've painted a beautiful picture here so that I can just visualize that sad day.

I found no errors in spelling or grammar

These comments are only my personal opinion. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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581
581
Review of The Music Critic  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Mystery Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This is a very strange story of a very strange man who seems to have a confused psyche.

Characters: Darryl’s actions and reactions are well described so that he comes across as a rounded character.

Dialog: Very little dialog is included, but what there is sounds natural enough for the character.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘So arrangements were made, the event was paid for, and Darryl waited, anticipated the day.’
Suggest: Darryl waited, anticipating the day.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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582
582
Review of The Dungeon  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This piece contains some excellent description. It doesn’t, however, seem like a complete story but is more of a scene.

Characters: Characters aren’t really defined so that the reader can relate to them.

Dialog: No dialog is employed.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found only one error in spelling, but none is grammar or punctuation.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘waiting on some unsuspecting, curuios, and dirty child.’
Suggest: unsuspecting, curious, and dirty child..


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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583
583
Review of Haunted Hallway  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the description.

General Impressions: This is a story that really gets the pulse rate climbing. I do believe that some explanation should be given for their presence in the darkened room.

Characters: Natalie and her fears are entirely believable.

Dialog: No back-and-forth dialog is employed.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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584
584
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the Horror/Scary Newsletter dated July 8 and was intrigued by the title.

General Impressions: This is a very chilling story where the ending confirmed my suspicions. It certainly kept me on pins and needles.

Characters: You have done an excellent job of portraying Heather and making her entirely believable.

Dialog: Dialog was realistic and natural.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no real problems with either.

Specific Suggestions:
In this sentence, ‘“Come on Heather.’
Suggest: “Come on, Heather.;


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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585
585
Review of Are We There Yet?  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, I am reviewing this item per your request.

General Impressions: This is an enjoyable little story, though it does need some editorial work.

Characters: You done a very good job of portraying your main character who comes across as very believable. You’ve also done a good job of getting a lot of Aunt Debby’s character across with her reactions to the things your protagonist says and does.

Dialog: The spoken dialog sounds very natural.

Setting: There is little setting but that seems okay since much of the story is internal dialog.

Format: Suggest putting thoughts into italics in order to differentiate them from regular narrative.

Grammar & Punctuation: There is some confusion between “then” and “than”. Also suggest watching sentence structure for awkwardness.

Specific Suggestions:
In this phrase, ‘who's birthday had just passed.’
Suggest: whose birthday;

In this phrase, ‘another of her looks. I’
Suggest: deleting the extra “I” at the end;

In this phrase, ‘I could possibly be related to these people when we were so obviously different then I.
Suggest: deleting the last “then I” since it is already covered by the previous “we”. (If it were needed, it should be “than” instead of “then”.)

In this phrase, ’life then the small minded, overly religious people of my hometown.
Suggest: life than the small-minded, overly religious people;

In this phrase, ‘to what he became to be.’
Suggest: to what he became.;

In this phrase, ‘My eye’s were getting misty’
Suggest: My eyes;

In this sentence, “I am sorry I am so late daddy” I sobbed.
Suggest: I am so late, Daddy.


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

Image #1541185 over display limit. -?-

586
586
Review of Kidnapped  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I am reviewing your piece as a selection for this week's Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers Group.

This is a gut-wrenching poem where you've put the reader right into the mind of this poor little girl. It gave me chills.

I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.

These comments are only my personal opinion. Keep writing!

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587
587
Review of Deception  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I am reviewing your piece today as it is a selected item for this week’s Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers Group.

This is a sad poem that bespeaks of the problems lying cause in a relationship of any sort. I was glad that it ended on a happier note with a change in the degree of acceptance of the status quo.

I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.

These comments are only my personal opinion. Keep writing!

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588
588
Review of Rahu's Game  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I am reviewing your piece today as it is selected item for this week’s Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers Group.

This is a very neat poem that paints a memorable picture of this "god", which I am very glad you explained in your description.

I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.

These comments are only my personal opinion. Keep writing!

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589
589
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I am reviewing your piece today as it is a selected item for this week’s Simply Positive Newbie Reviewers Group.

General Impressions: You have a very important message here, but I’m not sure you got across the urgency you seem to feel.

Purpose: My feeling is that you are trying to wake people up to the ongoing war in the streets. You might make your message more powerful clarifying what you are meaning in your opening sentence and by including some scenarios of the happenings there.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no problems with the grammar, but some with punctuation, particularly commas and apostrophes.

Format: This is all one long paragraph. I believe it would benefit from breaking it up into shorter ones.

Specific Suggestions:

In this sentence, Its messed up jacked up and nobody notices.
Suggest: 'It's messed up, jacked up and nobody notices.;

In this sentence, At least try who knows it may work it may not but at least give it a shot.
Suggest: At least try. Who knows it may work, it may not, but at least give it a shot.;


In this phrase, If nobody stops it how many people
Suggest: If nobody stops it, how many people; and,

In these two sentences, How many parents have to lose they kids? How many little kids have to walk in there big brothers and sisters footsteps? ';
Suggest: How many parents have to lose their kids? How many little kids have to walk in their big brother's and sister's footsteps?


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!

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590
590
Review of You Bleed Me Dry  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is such a very sad poem that seems to me to be absolutely full of pain. To me it speaks of the addiction, and sometimes fear, that keeps a person in an abusive relationship - whether physical, phychological or emotional. This is a very moving piece.

I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.

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591
591
Review of Narcissus heart  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with TEN 4 TEN SUMMER REViEWING WOR...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your story in the forum of
 Invalid Item 
This item number is not valid.
#1518824 by Not Available.


General Impressions: This is a very different type of story from anything I’ve ever read before. There did seem to be a lot of “telling” rather than “showing”.

Characters: Characters could be made more believable, I think, by showing them in dialog and action.

Dialog: Dialog is sparse and feels a bit stilted.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors in spelling or grammar. In punctuation, beginning quotation marks should immediately precede the first word of the sentence.

Specific Suggestions:

In this phrase, ' this very good looking man,'
Suggest: "good-looking man" as a compound adjective;

In this phrase, 'but many beautiful women crossed his path before.'
Suggest: "had crossed";

In this phrase, 'planes and forests with butterflies.'
Suggest: “plains and forests with butterflies”;

In this phrase, 'That neither you nor any other woman I will steal my heart?”
Suggest: rewording, perhaps simply removing the "I";

In this phrase, 'you can have as much as a golden as a chariot could carry.'
Suggest: "as much gold as a chariot"; and,

In this phrase, 'where the. Love of the woman you desire can reach it “ '
Suggest: "where the love of the woman you desire".


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!
592
592
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with TEN 4 TEN SUMMER REViEWING WOR...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I just found your article in the Static Items listing and was intrigued by your description of it.

General Impressions: I think you did a good job here of getting across how we are each in control of how we react to occurrences and the actions of those around us.

Purpose: Your intended purpose was well served, I believe, and you back up your statements by examples from your own experiences.

Grammar & Punctuation: I found no errors in grammar or punctuation.

Format: Some of the sentences here are very long. You may want to break them into shorter ones.

Specific Suggestions: Suggest spelling out numbers one through ten.

In this sentence, 'I made the choice to belive the things he said.'
Suggest: shouldn't this be "believe the things"?

In this phrase, 'After four years with husband/abuser number 2,'
Suggest: suggest it be "Number Two".

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!
593
593
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with TEN 4 TEN SUMMER REViEWING WOR...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I am reviewing your story for The Ten 4 Ten Summer Reviewing Workshop.

General Impressions: I found this to be a very sweet story of young love being unrecognized when the person is too close.

Favorite Part: My favorite part was Jake's response when he was asked why he had fought.

Characters: Your characters are believable and seem to be typical teenagers. You did a good job of showing their relationship through their dialog and actions.

Plot: The plot is clear although your title rather gives away the ending..

Setting: Setting is rather lacking. You may want to add in some description to give the reader a feeling of "being there".

Dialog: Dialog seems natural for teenagers.

Grammar & Punctuation: I have listed several specific items below. In this sentence, 'It could have been that I liked a jock and I Jake and I were emo, but that was beside the point.'. you may want to clarify the meaning.

Format: You may want to tighten up the description of the attire, including only what moves the story forward.

Specific Suggestions:

'My gaze lingered on the pink heart shaped patch that cover the rip in the knee. I remember how it’d gotten there, you see, my best friend Jacob Christopher and I were walking in the woods one day. '

Suggest: 'Heart-shaped patch; Ending sentence after 'there' and delete 'you see' as this sounds to me like "author interference".

In, 'We were playing around and Joke accidentally pushed me too hard.'

Suggest: Name should be "Jake"

In, 'picked up my book bag before turning off my bedroom and leaving for the school. “Hey Novalee!” yelled Jake from behind me.'

Suggest: Should this be "bedroom light"? The quotation should begin a new paragraph.

In, 'I was half way out of our neighborhood.'

Suggest: "halfway"

In this sentence: 'And there fought Jake and Joey.

Suggest: Reword to perhaps, "And there were Jake and Joey, fighting."

In this sentence:' “It’s whatever,” he said.

Suggest: Would this be more realistic dialog if you deleted the "It's" and said just "Whatever"?


These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!
594
594
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with TEN 4 TEN SUMMER REViEWING WOR...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi, I'm Jaye. I am reviewing your article for The Ten 4 Ten Summer Reviewing Workshop.

General Impressions: I felt this was a very good piece that should provide a lot of good advice and inspiration especially for beginning writers.

Favorite Part: I loved how you ended the article with the reminder to proofread one's work.

Format: I only noticed one minor glitch in the formatting. In this phrase, 'change the names and places to disguise the characters you are writing about.' There are severl extra spaces between "the" and "characters".

Specific Suggestions: I only have a couple of specific suggestions that you may want to consider.

In, 'all the parents to-be are sure to be interested.'.

Suggest: Making this "parents-to-be".

And in, 'Proof read or better still get some friends to proof read your work.'

Suggest: It should be "proofread". I noticed that SpellCheck does not catch the separate words since they are both good words.

These comments are only my personal opinion. My suggestions are made in the spirit of making a good piece even better. Keep writing!
595
595
Review of Valentine  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

The is an interesting poem that sort of gives me the feeling of a near obsession with a person's writing. It wasn't clear to me whether this was a person you actually knew personally, or if it was the writing itself that was so attractive.

Since I don't write poetry, I'm not sure how far "poetic license" goes. However, the grammar and punctuation in the following lines disturbed me:
In, 'A Valentine poem or song I have never write', technically this should be "wrote" but that wouldn't rhyme with your next line;
In, 'You’ve captivate me can’t control myself', "captivated would be grammatically correct, but would change the meter;
In, 'Cupid Cupid where ever you are' there are missinig commas after the "Cupids" and I believe "wherever" is correct; and,
In, 'With this beautiful soul you have entwine me' it should be "entwined".

These are only my suggestions that you may want to consider.

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

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596
596
Review of I'm Special Too  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

This is a very sweet little poem that shows what an ego boost just a small compliment can be. I think you've stated it very well.

I found no errors.

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

Image #1541185 over display limit. -?-
597
597
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi, I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

This is a very sad, almost depressing, poem of what seems to me feelings of worthlessness because of aloneness.

I found no errors in spelling, grammar or punctuation.

For Members Of SIMPLY POSITIVE.

Image #1541185 over display limit. -?-
598
598
Review of Mary  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and today I'm reviewing this piece that I found on the Newbie Listing for the Simply Positive Newbie Reviewing Group.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

This is a very eerie tale that certainly grabbed my interest and carried it through, but the ending left me with some questions. Did Mary have some sort of clarivoyant talent that she knew these people would be killed? What effect did the old house have on her - the whispering inside, the renovation and never inviting him there again?

In the last paragraph, you mention four people being killed in the car, yet it was mentioned earlier that he was waiting for his mother and father to pick him up, so that would be only three.

You might want to add a line between paragraphs for easier reading.

Some editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'I remember how much(many) toys she had;'; 'body would convulse as if she was(were) on fire.'; 'talked to me as had we(as if we had) seen each other every day '; 'so I decided to play Mary a small prank.' (play a small prank on Mary); 'The reaction I got from her was un-expected(unexpected).'; ' “I’m sorry they’re all dead(,) Pete.'; and, 'The truck driver, a 48(-)year(-)old man,'.

This story has a lot of potential and deserves the additional work it may need.

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599
599
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

This is a very expressive poem that I feel does a good job of describing the resulting feelings of this behavior with which it is very hard to deal.

A few editorial suggestions that you may want to consider: 'Cowardly and well(-)orchestrated acts'; 'A wolf in sheep(')s clothing'; and, 'in my face to this long(-)term assault.'.

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600
600
Review of A Girl Like You  
Review by Jaye P. Marshall
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Jaye and I'm reviewing your piece on behalf of the Simply Positive Newbies Review Forum where you are listed as one of this week's selected reviewees.

First, let me welcome you to the WDC family. I hope you find this as enjoyable an experience as I have.

This is a beautiful and moving piece where you've done a really good job of "picturing" the feelings of meeting that Special Someone and falling in love. Nicely done.

One editorial suggestion that you may want to consider: 'And the world seemed brand(-)new.'.

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