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Review of Starship Sentry  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very very different.
Unusual, but captivating and charming.
I was oddly kept, and enticed to read on, wondering what on earth was happening, yet oddly aware at the same time.
Great piece, I found this both funny for the comical aspect and alluring for the novel idea of it. Nicely written.
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Review of DASH OF LIFE  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'm truly sorry for your loss.
I'm not quite sure this is the poem you wanted to submit or not for the contest, as it deals more with loss than depression.
In order for you to have a chance of winning perhaps you could submit a poem dealing specifically with depression and how you personally feel when you are depressed or down.
As far as this poem goes, it has given me an idea for another contest trhat I may run next time dealing with loss of a babe (something I am all too familiar with too so if you need to talk about that in any way i'm here for you) and this poem would be ideal for that.
Cez
xx
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Review of Despair Has Won  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Great entry!
My hope is that by writing about your darkest fears and feelings you will gain some release from them, this is one of the ways I cope with depression, being able to purge myself of them through poetry.
Again great entry.
Good luck int he contest.
Cez
xx
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Review of Item Statistics  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
This is fantastic information. I have always wondered what that link does and have never actually used it before. I will now go back and have a look at what my ratings say about my work using these guidelines.
This is laid out really well, and is very supportive, I found lots of good help and advise here.
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Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very informative piece here, and I shall certainly know what to take if I ever get kidney stones (please let me not have them), also very good advise for prevention maybe.
A reallyinformative piece, well presented and easy to understand. Great stuff.
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Review of My Computer  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Interesting and amusing, I like this one.
How many times have I cursed and screamed at my pc? too many times hehe, but I have never written a poem about it, it certainly brought a smile to my face.
I have an odd sense of humour at most times, but this cracked me, I love the image of the paper up the computers nose, that really made me laugh. Also when you blamed even losing your shoe on the computer I have done the same (I mean blame everything that goes wrong down to the "heap of junk").
Modern technology hey, can't live with it can't live without it hehehe.
Great poem really enjoyed that!
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Review by cerianwen
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Very emotional poem,and I'm sure I have no right to rate n review as it is such a personal poem.
But I like to go against the grain and so here I am reviewing.
The flow works really well and I felt the emotion that glides through the words, you have some really nice touches here and would like to point out my favorite line
"Deep inside my soul
My emotions take control" - this line really emphasises the feeling in this poem.

Other images in the poem are a little how can I put it into words? a little overbearing I feel. For example the image we see here - "I cry like someone's been
Killed in recent days," - this for me is a little on the strong side, and also the bulldozer, but again I cannot criticise here as this is your feelings at the time. I just feel that these are the images the reader are going to remember and not how you were feeling whilst you wrote the poem.
On the whole a very well written poem, nice flow, good natural feeling rhyme scheme and truly reflects your emotions.
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Review by cerianwen
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Good advise for young women unbeknown to the pain and sorrow as well as the joy and bounty of love.

Nice construction, I can really see why you were awarded 2nd place for this poem, it deserves the praise.

I enjoyed the flow and the emotion throughout.

Some of the rhyme scheme is a little week at times for example between 'limbs' and 'him' just a little tightening and re-looking at some of the words to see if there is anything that will fit more snugly and this will polish up with a most dazzling shine.
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Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (3.5)

Beautiful poem, almost lymiric in style.

Flows nicely,

"Mortals wake to breathless vision,
Of the blazing heavens' token." - the rhyme scheme here is very weak maybe yoiu could try revising to something on the lines of

Of the blazing heavens fusion

this just reinforces both the majestic beauty of the colours as well as enforces the rhyme scheme.

On the whole a cracker of a poem, well written and constructed.
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Review by cerianwen
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Before I begin my review let me assure you that my review is not intended in cruelty in any way and I sincerely hope you do not take any offence by it, I am merely giving a personal opinion to what I have read here, thispiece does have potential and could be an interesting piece, but where is it heading? It doesnt seem to be leading anywhere. If this is an unfinished piece then it would be helpful to add a note at the begginning apart from the main text so that the reader knows this.

Your characters seem not to have much depth, the woman seems a little cold (although she had been described as caring kind and loving by the main character, this is not how she comes accross when we meet her) and the main character seems a little childish and insecure (nothing childish about being insecure, but he comes accross as being childish in nature)

Why did the woman see a councilor on behalf of someone who has a crush on her, a little extreme maybe? Perhaps even a little cruel, if I had confided in someone that I felt more than I should for that person and he/she went and told this to a councilor, I would be feeling a lot more than insecure, probably freakish and as if having feeligns for someoene is wrong. Bizarre.

Here are a few more things I would like to point out -

"He longed to be more than just her friend. Although he knew that could never be.~17~"
this repetition is from only a few paragraphs up, it doesn't add tot he mystery of the piece and just makes it feel forced instead of doing it justice.

"Keeping himself busy with work also gave him less opportunity to be with her. He thought that staying away from her would help him forget how he felt about her. He was wrong. He still longed to be more than just her friend. Although he knew that could never be.~19~" again this repetion, it gets dreary we have already got this message so why not tell the reader why? tell us something new here.

"A few years back, I was in love with a married man, who I could not have." {c/} could not have what? I think this line is unfinished?

I can't at this time see where the story is heading, perhaps you would like to let me know when you have completed it and I could come back and read on, perhaps then it will make more sense to me.

I hope that you will allow me to come back and re-review the piece once you have made some changes to the things mentioned above and the suggestions I offer, and when the story is completed.
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Review of Tempting Fantasy  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I almost felt the bubbles ripple over my own skin then.
You must be talking about my life surely, theonly part that isn't true is the kids, but beleive the amount of washing up and mess just one fiance can cause (sighs).
You have truly captured the smells, the softness of the towels, the soft flicker of the candles, the wrinkling of the skin. A wonderful piece and I thoroughly enjoyed this.
Only one suggestion, at the end of your piece she picks up the phone at work and it is her mother-in-law, could it not be a client nagging about some undone work or something similar, this would just add that finishing touch for me, to illustrate the working mother, hard at work and hard at home, or even a colleague puts a clients file on the desk in front of her which drags her from her fantasy, just as the phone rings the same time and mother-in-law drones on about the kids, this would bring into focus the working mother perfectly as she is brought immediately away from her fantasy into the stark reality of her hum-drum life.
Overall excellent piece of writing here.
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Review of End of Innocence  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very poigniant tale, the slow reflective tone of the poem mirrors the sorrow of loss in your words.

"Our world will never forget those dead
Whose spirits will never be gone." Beautiful line, to the point, precise, hopeful.

Have a look at the capitalisation of the first letter of each line, this is my only real grumble, I seem to be banging on about this far too often lately so if I have reviewed your work before and said something similar I apologise but it is a pet hate, look at the flow of the lines and only capitalise where it needs to be i.e. after a full stop, auto correct on Microsoft Word does this automatically wether we want it to or not, (and I know some of the great masters used to leave the first letter of each line capitalised, but for me this spoils the presentation and flow of it)De-capitalising these would (for me) polish the piece beautifully.
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Review of LAST WISH  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (5.0)
Again Khalish you triumph.
A wonderful example, a beautiful look into a man's questioning, written and composed with beautiful fluidity that transpires across the page and throughout the poem.
This is perhaps my favourite so far of your works. It reminds me somewhat of a poem I have in my port entitled If I, where I question what would have happened if I had chosen a different path, and how I must look ever onwards along this patgh I have chosen lest I choose a wrong turn.
Top marks Khalish, I really enjoyed this one.
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Review of NOOSE  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
I have returned to your port again and found yet another gem!
A wonderful poem as they always are, the gentle subtle rhyme is perfect and I just love the ease in which the words flow down the page from verse to verse.

Have a look again at the capitalisation of the first letter in each line, it is a pet hate of mine at the moment.

You have the rhythm and tone of the poem set beautifully, but have another look perhaps at verse 4, it feels a little choppy, the 8-7-8-7 style is there, and fits wonderfully but the words themselves feel a little jagged around the edges and could do with maybe a little polishing.

Again a wonderful poem, perhaps some men out there will sit up and take note that we sometimes would like a little help, not only with chores and routine of life but as a weeping post, an ecouragement builder, confident, best friend.
Wonderful.
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Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (4.0)
Ewwww I have visions of that goo in the mug and in the guts of all those people out there that drink it. Yuck!!
As somone who doesn't drink anything hot, not tea, not coffee, not choclate, not even cup of soups, I can grin and have a good giggle over this one. I'm not so certain all those coffee bugs out there will appreciate it as much.
I love the tone, and the feel of the poem, although could be construed as a bit too opinionated (by coffee drinkers I am sure)
On the whole a good piece!
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Review of Butterfly  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (4.5)
Beautiful poem.
I love these short little snipets of poetry that grab the image completely like a photograph, seizes the image and lets it settle in our minds. No flowery imagery just the sight, just the lasting image.
Quite beautiful.
A good enjoyable read.
I would have liked to have read more on the sight of t though, the colours the shape, the way it flits and floats in the air written in that short snapshot style you have developed here.
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Review of The Tomb  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is so sad, and reminds me so much of my own poem on the same subject entitled song for my babe.
It is sometimes a comfort to know that others have been through the same tragedy, comforting that someone else understands the tears and greif.

I have found no grammatical errors or spelling mistakes.

The tone of the piece is unhopeful, tragedy, yet I feel a lack almost of emotion, maybe this is because you wished to detatch yourself from the miscarriage (I know I certainly wanted to. I was devastated especailly knowing I couldnt have anymore and had none previous, almost like a denial that it was happening)
but wecannot pretend and no matter what the grief and sorrow and bitterness is still there, this is maybe yet to come for you in this poem, almost a prelim to the pain and agony of your loss.
Great job.
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Review of Butterfly  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (3.5)
A happy go lucky poem, quite serene, and has a good feel and flow.
It was that tiny bit long winded I felt, and would have shortened the poem at verse 3, the other verses are beautiful too, but just feels like too much said, I would however keep the last verse inserting this instead of verse three and leaving it there, this would not only reflect the short life of the butterfly, but also tighten the flow and enhance the majesty of the poem.
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Review of The Reader  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (4.0)
Sounds a bit like I was at school, I did have friends but was mostly on my own reading or nearby but not inthe main group reading or with my pen and paper writing my poetry and stories.
I can wholly sypathise with her , I was called the bookworm, and my parents too thought I was on my own too much, the never banned me from my hobby though but preferred to encourage me to do otherthings, but let it go once they could see I wasn't interested.
You have shown your observational skills wonderfully here, but should a teacher really be calling a student names? it isn't an unpleasant name but children can be cruel at times and I don't really feel this should be encouraged within teachers.
I have ound no grammer /Spelling mistakes, and your style is simple, informative and concise. I like the easy to understand flow.
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Review of Poetry  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (4.0)
Quite odd the imagery in this poem, but oddly fits somehow.
Nicely composed, and structured, although I am not so sure about the fish ideas, do youmean here that your father is a provider of food? and the doves, is he a bringer of peace? If these are not the answers then I appologise but these are the only things I could come up with that would explain the strange imagery.
Good flow of words.
Nice work!
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Review of Rocks for Mama  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: ASR | N/A (Review only item.)
A heart wrenching story.
It is beautiful, and awe-inspiring, reminds me somewhat of the railway children in a funy kind of way, the way a stranger came along to help when the children try their best.
A real tear jerker, although it is a little unbeleivable, but we so want to beleive in it that it makes the story all the more heart-warming.
Great job.
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Review by cerianwen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
As a Christian myself I can understand you rejoice and happiness in loving God.

A few things though, this feels like a sermon, a preach, I would have liked to have seen more of why God touches you and how he loves you instead of the advising others to follow Jesus side, I am a firm beleiver in telling people og God's love without telling people what to do, and this feels like it is leaning towards the latter.

Also in your piece you say -
"but with my strengthened faith in the God who has always loved me" I think here this should be faith in God.

On the whole a lovely piece but a little too much on the 'telling what to do' side for my personal liking.
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Review of Heaven's Tour  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Disturbing, and brings it all home that abortion destroys a tiny life, a form that would nine months down the line become a part of society, a part of the world, be loved and cared for, be given a name. Yet never given the chance.
This piece brings that hurtling before our eyes, and we are made to deal with it.
A very powerful piece indeed.

The first part was wonderful, stark, bold, almost painful to see as the image you create for us is laser burnt into our minds.

I do feel though that this message then gets a little lost in the latter part. I feel maybe that an extended version of the first would have made more of an impact. We could have been given for example a shot of this newly dead woman letting her tears fall as she looks on at the souls of those unborn children, tells her agonising story an insight into her whys and whens, and just as an idea maybe in a room divided by glass the soul of her unborn foetus lingers at one side of the glass whilst the mother on the other, her tears fall endlessly as she stands looking at the babe she aborted.

I found no spelling errors or grammatical errors great job.

I really enjoyed the first half of the piece but with a little work on the latter half this will be a truly striking story.
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Review of Chloe  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a great story, one I have really gotten into and was quite devastated that it finished half way through the story, I wait in anticipation of more.

A few things to watch out for -
You have quite a lot of spelling errors, places where you have capitalised the second letter of a word as well as the first at the beginning of sentences, ( I had written a 5000 character review on this detailing every one and in depth review of each chapter here, but stupidly I flicked back to a chapter using the wrong screen and lost the whole review, I will therefore not go through it in such detail again as it took me about 2 hours, but will instead tell you of the things I noticed as a whole)
Re-check the piece again they are sometimes hard to spot but it is worth rechecking these small errors in spelling and grammer just to polish the piece. There are a few instances where you use SHe instead of She, and in the chapter before the last entitled Fugue a la gigue there is a point where you use ran instead of rank. These are all small things, almost undetectable when you first read through but are there lurking.

Also, you jump around quite a bit, from one scenario to another without any indication that the story continues in a different location, for example when you have a whole scene on the goings on in heaven then suddenly leap to a scenario on Earth within the same chapter, maybe you could something, a border line, or set of squiggly lines to indicate the difference between the two location or events, this will aid the reader get to grips with what is happening and where.

I also found that in some points I felt a whole chapter could have been dedicated to just that one event, for examp0le the meeting between God and the Hybrids, I would have liked to have seen a lot more, and think the story could have sustained the presence of a whole chapter dedicated to the event as so much could be said, a whole lot could be explained here, about ranks within heaven, about the characters we meet along the way, fuller descriptions, more characterisation and much more on God and how he manages heaven, his thoughts, his visions. Again this could aid the reader in familiarising themselves with what is going on throughout the chapters prior, give a taste of what is to come and give a real feel to the people we will meet in more detail further on.

On the whole this is a great piece of writing, it does need polishing up, as there are quite a lot of the mistakes I mentioned above throughout the piece, I would love to read more and am anticipating more to come on this story, as there is so much that can happen. So many questions left unanswered, you have left us at a very crucial stage, and I'm sure many more readers out there are begging for the story to continue.
Great job, just keep an eye on the spelling grammer and maybe consider the breaks I mentioned.
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Review of Please Say Hello  
Review by cerianwen
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a great idea, one I hadn't thought of but think would be a great idea. I might consider doing a Guestbook of my own. Mayeb you could give me an idea of how you go about doing it.

This is a great way of guetting some feedback and also meeting new friends and getting some great discussions going about each others works.

Great idea!
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