This has an old pirates ring to it, I wanted to tap my toe along and swig on a bottle of rum.
Has a "Rhyme of the ancient mariner" feel to it, the olde style of sailors.
Great beat, it has been a while since I read something that felt so much of an escapism so this was welcomed with open arms. In fact it has given me a little smile.
Great job and some very creative writing!
As someone who lives with depression every day this was quite a jault to me and an awakening, in fact it made me cry a little.
I think it takes a piece like this for people (like myself) who suffer this terrible illness to realise that it is not only us that suffer but our families too. It is even more hard hitting when a part of that depression is that you keep things from your partner/spouse in the false beleif that we are protecting them because we do not want anyone else to feel the pain that we feel through our depression.
This has been a reality check for me and I feel like I want to rush out and grab my husband and hug him and never let him go, to plant a thousand kisses of thank you's for sticking by my side and never whinging once about how my depression obviously affects him too.
Thank you so much for sharing this piece, it has made me realise how much I have to appreciate and thankful I am to have my husband at my side.
I just dragged my sister all the way to my house to read this poem, I hope you don't mind. This just about sums her up in every single detail. She cried reading it.
TGHis is perhaps the best description of Unrequited love I have ever read. Excellent job.
One minor spelling question:
"With the tears coming in desperate steams," - here did you mean streams?
Aw I really felt for you there. A sad little tale, wonderfully expressed.
I really liked the childlike boldness of the piece. The laid bare effect really captures what you are trying to show us here.
I would like to pin point my favourite line here:
"I stood there for hours, staring into the street,
hoping that fate would change her mind"
This for me is the epitomy of the poem, the waiting, the sadness, it protrudes like a hot poker through these very lines.
Nicely done!!
I really enjoyed this neat little poem, the rhythm bounced along playfully whilst giving enough to be thinking about at the same time.
A thoughtful personal expression on what you think life and art is all about.
You have some great lines here some that struck me and will linger in my memory:
"Life begins in conception"
However there is one line that I felt could have been much stronger, it feels as if it is merely there to coinside with the rhyming pattern:
"art lives as a child is born."
yes born and form do rhyme but I am wondering if this is the best line that would fit here, I beleive rhyme should feel natural and not forced as this feels here.
I am not sure how I myself would re-word the sentence but I am sure that with a little play around this line could be much stronger and give an overall more natural rhythm. I won't give an example as I feel this puts words into anothers mouth so to speak, the work is original to yourself and therefore should be kept that way, this is how I remain on all pieces I review (or at least try).
Overall I really enjoyed this poem and can't wait to read more of your work! Write on xx
It is always good to know the criteria other author's use on w.com when reviewing.
This is nicely set out, it is clear to the reader how you score/rate literary items and what criteria you use to do so. There can be no misunderstandings here. Clear concise and to the point.
I would like to say that I use a very similar method to yours in reviewing, but have indeed given five stars on w.com, there are several authors onthis wonderful site that really do shine and I am almost certain you will find them too!
I don't really know what I was expecting from this piece, whatever it was it was'nt what I got. I think I imagined a detailed description of the phases of the sun and not the effects it has on the seasons themselves, more like the phases of the moon and how at certain times it is a crescent and at others it is a full circle.
What I found is something more on the lines of how the sun and seasons interact and co-incide, which is not a bad thing at all. In fact I would have much preferred much more of the piece.
I especially liked the Autumnal section and that comforting thought of beauty and age and death being almost beautiful, in fact very beautiful.
Again I would have liked much much more to be made of the piece, I am sure that this would have been made a very interesting essay.
I did notice one minor spelling error:
"shares it warm," - its
Nothing would thrill me more than to see this fully developed!
It is often the shortest that says the most.
This is a wonderful piece, it says everything that needs to be said in very little space.
My favourite line has to be
"Eyes that shine like polished glass" - I recently visited Paigton zoo when I was on my honeymoon and saw a tiger there and this just about sums it up in this very line.
Great stuff.
Powerful and chilling poem.
Having never experienced a broken home myself but have gone through the emotions with a very close friend (not the same I know) I know and understand how hard a marriage breakup can be for a child. Agonising and this is surely felt here!
I do have one thought though, is there a reason for the patchy rhyming here? or is the rhyme intended to be broken as a reflection of the content?
A sad peice, my heart goes out to you.
Another dazzler of a poem. Stark and laid bone dry for all and sundry to see. A bleak and comfortless poem which really tugs at the very gut.
How touching and how sad in all that misery the image of a single white rose. That single image will linger on for a long time. This brought back all the misery that I felt at seeing those images on TV, in the comfort of my own home while thousands died in that awful tragedy. Makes me realise how lucky I really am and how valuable life really is.
Heart rendering!
Again a cleverly written poem. It had in fact a sombre feel to this piece I felt. It left me feeling rather numb and slightly insiginifact at the image of being "banished when first we leave our fathers’ loins" and "expelled from our mothers’ wombs we dwell alone". Rather an uncomforting thought when you actually think of it in that way.
Thought provoking, almost disturbing piece. Keep making me think!
Eeek that was thought provoking.
You have some magnificent lines here, some of them will linger for a long time.
"littered with the roadkill of my emotions"
Wow!
"blinking and spinning the space-time cloth"
Again wow. The imagery here is just mind blowing.
I do have a little confession however, this is a facinating and clever piece of work but I wont for a moment betray myself and say I understand any of it. I think it may be in fact far too intelligent for my feeble mind.
Made me think though!
Wow this is a really powerful message. The repetition of the chorus eery to say the least, I really felt the pang here.
I have read several of your works and have been enthralled by them all but this is perhaps the one that most strikes a chord, especially today being Band8.
You have really kept the rhythm going here, I felt my toe tapping along, but the sadness and the power behind the song is so powerful that it almost drew tears to my eyes.
Well thought out and indeed thought provoking. A few more messages like this one is what the world needs, maybe then the power men will sit up and listen instead of charging in like bulls with their weapons and fierce tongues.
You did a great job!!
Quite beautiful. I really love the simplicity of the poem and how it talks of a much more complex issue. Great rhyming scheme and flows wonderfully.
You did a great job of conveying the love and majesty of life and Our Lord. Well done.
Hehe this is great, you could play this over and over for a great ego trip, very nice especially when your feeling a little low or demoralised.
This is a great new addition to writing.com and I'm sure it will be as great a success as the many other features this site has.
Keep creating, this site just gets better and better!
Cez
xx
This is a great tale of determination and realisation.
Style
Again you seem to have that natural ability to befriend your reader, call them in and sit them down for a tale.
I was disapointed that you decided to give up your sport, I felt almost let down as I secretly felt myself cheering you onwards as I read on.
Spelling and grammar
Again I founf no grammatical or spelling errors in your work
Overall
Another great piece, it is great capturing a little lice of your life in words. Great job
Style
The casual tone of the voice makes the reader feel like you are talking to them and them alone. This gives a facinating insight and I am sure everyone that reads this will take something worth while away.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed no spelling or grammatical errors here
I love the narrative of this poem. Some really great touches here.
Style
The tell a story style of this poem grabs the attention and holds it captive until the end. Cleverly written and some nice detail here.
I just love the line
"Her scintillating aria mesmerized me," - you can here the words here tantalising sounds and a great image projected throughout.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed only one insy little typo
"agian," - again
Overall
Beautifully written. I love the noise this poem makes reflecting the Siren's song.
Wonderful.
Beautifully written poem about the ful realisation that you are never alone.
Style
The simple sing song rhyming verses here carry the tone of the piece, I can feel the surge of emotion felt at the chiming of the bell. Beautiful.
Spelling and grammar
I found no errors here
Overall
This is just beautiful, I love the way the rhyme schemes echoes the message in the poem.
You have here what could certainly be the beginning of a great story.
Style
I would have liked to have had more of the character here, more descriptive details of how they are individually as well as how they interacted. You seem to jump around a lot here, where much more could have been, this adds a little confusion in parts.
Spelling and grammar
I noticed a few minor spelling errors here which I have noted for you to have another look at.
"you part" - your
"Duba" - did you mean Dubai?
"teenagez" - here did you mean teenager or teenagers/ teenaged/teenage?
"ttok his hand" - took
Overall
Developed and groomed this could be a great story. I would be more than willing to come back and have another look at a later date if you so allowed.
I really enjoyed this one. You have a great gift for storytelling
Style
The simple rhyme here carries the poem onwards naturally and effectively, again I have that feeling of taking a look at a snapshot of the past, of a different culture, so facinating. Really enjoyed that.
Spelling and grammar
I Found no grammatical or spelling errors.
Overall
I love the way the story unfolds here, the mood the poem creates, like looking at a film, I could see him there with his burnign sage. Very visual poem.
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Quite beautiful. I really love the simplicity of the poem and how it talks of a much more complex issue. Great rhyming scheme and flows wonderfully. 
