Although the title doesn't really reflect the content. in my opinion, this short piece is nicely worded. I think that the reader is able to visualize the picture.
I also think that the main reason for this contrast between title and content is due to the realistic feel of the statement:
"The Deceased Are Loved"
whereas the content shows a woman, described as a beauty, veiled in black, carrying white roses in the graveyard. It's a dark romantic image that is quite fashionable among teens these days. Nothing to do with reality.
This kind of imagery has indeed become very common in mangas, for instance. Which is the reason why I have the impression that it would be great if you tried to find your own imagery and words to convey loss and love. Make your writing more personal and unique, I would say. But of course this is just a personal opinion and my perception of four lines and a title, so please consider this as an impression I wanted to share.
The idea behind your poem is an interesting and intriguing one. I think that there are many ways in which one can relate to this. It's the way we all sometimes act or communicate.
I agree with you; your message is powerful. Maybe your layout could be improved; I think that this short poem would look/feel better if you gave it more space.
The first line is a puzzle, though:
"Except what I can not say"
as all the other lines start with a verb:
"Understand what I do not mean
Reach out for my withdrawn hand(...)"
I think that maybe you mean:
"Accept what I cannot say"
Overall a good poem indeed, but I am not sure I understood the very first line.
This is such an interesting piece of writing, an essential read for those who write and review poetry.
I see that you wrote this some time ago and I'm sure that many authors read this short item. I hope that many new and not so new members will read it, because this will certainly make them think and maybe reconsider the way they review poetry.
"Give 100 poets the same 100 words to work with and you will get 100 unique poems"
Reading this page gives me so much to think about.
First of all, I greatly admire writers like you, Gabriella, who can come up with wonderfully generous ideas like this one. It sounds so simple and effective, yet I would never have thought of a project like yours. I have to say I envy you for this(in a positive way).
I also think that all those who sponsor this activity are doing a great job and they surely know the meaning of this simple verb: to share.
This is why, without hesitating, I'd recommend visiting this page to all those who like writing, reading and sharing on this site.
I particularly like the "going going" used as a framing device, with a little twist in the end. It's a piece of writing that speaks of death, but I also find it amusing, maybe a little ironic, I don't know.
This is a great, colorful poem that I really enjoyed. It has a particular rhythm of its own, which makes it personal. At the same time, the content is full of enthusiasm and humanity that are successfully conveyed.
I would use at least some punctuation here, but of course, it's up to you.
This is a poem that I decided to read, attracted by the title.
I found some interesting ideas and truths expressed in your poem and I think that this is the kind of subject - "The elaborate lies we weave" - that everyone can relate to.
I do have a problem with this kind of repetitive structure, though, because I can hardly feel the poetic aspect in its rhythm, flow and imagery. It's just my personal opinion, of course.
I'm sure you could try to express these ideas with words of your own.
There are also good examples, a few lines where you have expressed ideas in a more personal an striking way:
"It is the outwardly innocent and inwardly scheming"
"It is how aneorexic teenagers percieve themselves".
Overall, I think that this poem is interesting and deserves more work; I hope you will find this review helpful.
This is a great poem for its content, first of all. I don't remember reading a poem that speaks of the end of a relationship in a similar way. Yet, although this isn't so common, I do think that it happens and I can relate to the feelings described.
With a particular and pleasant flow and just the right words, this piece of poetry has a nice form to enhance its content.
I think you should add a period after "whisper", just before the last line.
This is a very interesting subject for a poll. I usually enjoy polls on writing and the creative process, so I took this one.
I can see that this was created some time ago, but not so many members answered it, which is why I decided to make this a public review.
My only suggestion: to add something as: - "Only when I'm inspired" to make the difference between a more disciplined, organized way of writing and one that depends entirely on inspiration.
This is an interesting poll, it seems that it was created a long time ago and many members took it already.
It's a simple question, with quite an interesting choice of people who can be considered as remarkable in very different ways. It seems that the results are not very... original, though. I wonder if you got many mails suggesting other options.
I am really glad to see that you worked and re-edited this poem, I see the changes and they really make it so different; you have refined it and the emotions are better defined because of this.
Your poem has become a wonderful and unique tribute to your sister and, in a way, to her children too. And I'm happy to see that my suggestions were helpful, I feel motivated to keep on reviewing.
You did a nice job here, and I changed the rating accordingly.
This is a rather pessimistic poem, with feelings and situations in life that are clearly expressed.
I quite like the way it is written and worded, the structure is simple and fits the content. I would give it a higher rating, but I think that some words are somewhat dull and could be more precise, vivid descriptions which would make the poem more striking.
An example is the repeated use of the word "thing":
"The things you once thought you'd never do"
"The most important thing a year earlier"
"The things you used to work hard for"
"become the things you have to be pushed to do.
The same could be said about the word "nothing".
Another suggestion is about punctuation. I think that suspension points (..) should be (...), but I would rather suggest ending those lines with a comma, as this indicates a pause rather than something that's missing.
This is a poem that mentions a reference, although the poem itself is a reference. It recreates an atmosphere with a nice evocative feel, beautiful details that speak to the senses.
The feeling I had was indeed similar to a dream, ore rather that moment that follows a dream, where some things are quite precise:
"Gray, light gray, dull purples most of them"
and others, vague:
"I couldn’t read your scribbled down words too well"
I don't understand the lack of punctuation in most of the poem, except for a line with two commas. Personally, I would suggest you to make use of punctuation, but it's up to you.
I was wandering through your port and found this piece, on of the three items in your port.
You seem to like comedy and I think that you are successful in your attempt. It is not that easy to make readers laugh. As a matter of fact, it isn't easy at all.
You writing is fine, maybe for this particular piece there could even be more details about the behaviours of all the greedy people around the table .
I also read your bioblock and I hope that writing has proved to be a wonderful therapy against anxiety.
It's an interesting fiction; I have particularly enjoyed the way you structered thos and mastered the flow of time. The way you deliver the story framing the sequence of events between the thoughts of the young man is what I liked.
A few suggestions:
In this part of a sentence:
"The words swept away in the chilling wind ", I don't understand the use of past tense as it is "now" that he's sitting and is lost in his thoughts.
"She is running away from him. There is fear in her eyes. He has changed so much. She loved someone else, not the creature he had become. The disease had overtaken him. He struck her. "
Again, I don't understand the sudden changes of tense here.
She's running away, he has changed, she loved (in the past) someone else, not the creature he has become (today)...
I think that your item needs some revision as far as tenses are concerned.
This is a captivating and intelligent analysis, totally subjective, of a person that is observed through the way she lives with her body.
Does this relationship we have with our bodies and the way we want to control others' perception of it tell a lot about us? Or is it just something superficial, the way many women feel obliged to present themselves hiding behind a mask?
You item made me re-consider all this, but I also enjoyed the simple fact of reading your writing and style.
What I didn't like, but that's a personal opinion, is the centered layout that seems purposeless in this case.
This poem is written in a simple, straightforward manner. I have to admit that I often enjoy pieces with more imagery and work in style and vocabulary, but your piece is effective as it is.
I think that it works because it's honest and well contructed in showing the contradictions of men that you noticed and that so many other women will (unfortunately) recognize very easily.
There are some typos/mistakes to fix:
"Their not lying" should be "they're not lying"
same thing for:
"their simply forgetting"
and
"In the end their not around"
etc.
In:
"They build you up then pull you down.", a comma is needed after "up".
"They say its you" should be "it's".
I'm still giving this a high rating and I hope that you'll keep writing and improving your poetry.
Well done! You made a good job explaining the basic dificulties that a writer has to face because of dyslexia.
Your descriptions are clear and effective and it's also a good thing that you mention the fact that dyslexics might have to deal with different forms and different symptoms.
I suffer from fibromyalgia. It is a chronic condition with periods of more or less intense pain. Migraine is one of the symptoms associated to fibromyalgia in my case and for a couple of days, when that happens, I also experience other symptoms like inverting the order of letters in a word when writing and sometimes even when I speak.
I wanted to share this with you to tell you that it's great to try to overcome these difficulties and keep writing.
Take care.
Axilea
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