This is an item I was going to read to know more about a book, a religion, a different point of view.
I am not a religious person in the traditional meaning of the word, but I have an interest for spiritual subjects.
You requested a review for this piece saying:
"your comments on how to make it better would be appreciated. Give particular attention to the style and flow of my words."
I was surprised at first, then disappointed to see that your intention was not to share with other readers/writers, but to give your truth as the only possible truth.
"The necessity of substantiating ones claim or theory can hardly be overemphasized especially in this age of scientific explosion. This is the demand of the modern age irrespective of the claim being that of a scientific issue or a divine one."
You don't seem to be looking for honest reviews and tips for improving your style and language.
You just want to deliver your message, I would advise you to be at least honest about this.
I'm giving you 2.5 stars for your good grammar and syntax. Nothing for the rest.
First of all I have to say that this is a very successful attempt at portraying place, characters, atmosphere, relationships and event in so few words! Bravo!
Personally, I prefer the first version, it's quicker, the form fits the intent better:
"Walking" sounds more active than "among" to begin the second sentence. Also, I think that it is better how you focus entirely on Sarah in the end and her being proud.
This poem has a particular disillusioned feel that I quite like. Not because a poem has to be positive or negative, happy or sad, but because it sounds true, honest.
Too many reviewers forget this and judge: I often read things like
"This is too negative"
"It's well written BUT pessimstic"
Personally, I don't think that a reviewer should judge a writer's paradigm or feelings.
This being said, This piece of writing also has a very nice rhythm and flow that I enjoyed.
I'm not so sure about the title, though, although it sounds nihilistic, I think you could find something better, maybe in just one word.
This is a nice story, it's very moving, like other pieces I read from your port. Memory seems to be an important element in your writing, not forgetting, struggling against the effects of time.
This item is well structured and written. I noticed a small thing, towards the end, you forgot to close the quotation mark after "are you listening to me".
Just a suggestion:
Maybe you could separate all the dialogues on different lines to make it visually more readable in this section of your story.
This is a new poem with no ratings; I'm here to change this!
I like the structure and tone that doesn't take itself too seriously, although I sense some bitterness too.
Although this is a personal story with details quite unknown to us, it is nicely expressed. The end, in my opinion, is a little confusing. As if there was a transition missing, a linem a word, something that indicates change, that introduces a final twist.
This is a great piece of writing as is often the case. It's a very consistent metaphor of writing written from an interesting perspective.
I see no weakness in it and I'm sure it will speak to many readeres.
I also see that you are hosting a contest, although I'm not sure if it includes freeform poetry.
Anyway, well done. I'm glad to see that you're still writing.
The title of your poem was very intriguing. I felt compelled to read this piece of writing.
The scene and the idea it evokes are very interesting; your poem takes the reader from the simple depiction to greater abstraction.
I had a look at your port and it seems that English is not your first language. Your poems are good and it is worth improving the language; feel free to ask me if you need help.
"the quite square" should be "the quiet square".
There are a few things in your poem that need some re-editing.
I often read poems that compare life to an ocean, I guess the metaphor of the sea and its vastness, its mystery and its changing nature are fascinating to many.
This being said, I have enjoyed reading your poem, mainly because of the nice wording. The imagery is not unique, but the way you choose your words and construct your sentences is personal enough.
I will be reading more of your work. Keept writing.
I like spiders, so I had to read this one . Welcome to the site.
Your poem has a clear pattern with expressive words and imagery here and there.
It's an enjoyable read, as a whole, though there a re a few things that could be improved.
In the second stanza, I wouldn't repeat the word "fire". In the third line, maybe you could use "flames" instead, that would alliterate with "flesh".
I also wonder why "burn" is capitalized in the second stanza.
The beginning of this poem is strong and striking, but the end is a little cliché, it seems to be there mostly because of the rhymes, "dust to dust" and "lust".
I was attracted to your item when I read the description after the title. I was wondering what you meant by "scary".
You have managed to give the reader a few images that are quite strong and eloquent, like this one:
"Her face has no age
as she is caught
between Time's impersonal ends"
You describe your mother lying in a hospital bed, probably unconscious, which is a painful situation.
Yet, you have decided to leave the feelings aside and describe the frightening image that she seems to have become:
"Her hollow face and
sunken eyes
follow you or stare
through you."
It's a personal choice that you made for some reason, one that can't go unnoticed, in my opinion.
Suggestions:
I think that your poem could become more striking and complete if you gave it some depth. It doesn't have to be much longer, but a few words could show the reader a context, a place, an atmosphere and the sadness of a life transformed, instead of depicting what you call a zombie.
I'm glad I came upon such an original poem. The title, the idea of this encounter, some of the imagery are very striking indeed.
There are a few mistakes to correct, such as:
"maid of" instead of "made of"
and also the punctuation needs to be improved, which is really essential to read out this piece of poetry written as a monologue.
The poem is so nice and eloquent that it would deserve a higher rating, but I think that there are still things to improve in the rhythm. Some lines are very long and they would sound better if they had a more concentrated feel.
I'm moved by the simplicity and straightforwardness of this piece, you found the words to explain how hard it is to accept the loss of a daughter.
You focus on the daily struggle, questions and doubts quite effectively.
I can only encourage to keep writing to help ease the pain, as you said, and also to share your thoughts and emotions with other writers.
My only suggestion is to add some commas to make it easier to read.
Hi!
I really liked your poll. It's simple and very entertaining. The options are clearly explained too.
When I answered, I didn't choose the animal first, it would have been misleading. Instead, I selected the description that seems to correspond to who I am and looked at animal later. Had I done it the other way round, the result would have been completely different.
Suggestions:
Your poll is fine as it is, although it may have been better to give the description first, followed by the animal, so that choices are not influenced by one's favorite animal.
This is a nice piece of poetry. I understand and like what you are saying. It's very emotional and straightforward.
Suggestions:
My main complaint is visual; I think that if you improved the layout considering the rhythm and flow, the whole item would look nicer and would become easier to read.
Your punctuation also needs to be improved; commas would help the reader stop at the right places and follow the rhythm.
This is a love poem that describes a situation and the feelings that it provokes.
It is quite clear, but I think that it could become more effective with a few changes.
Suggestions:
First of all, I would avoid repetitions in such a short item, since they're useless. Also, some lines could be made shorter to sound better.
"But I'm in waiting,
But not being able to do anything else."
I would write:
"But I am waiting
And unable to do anything else."
This is a poem that's been written for a contest that's really fun and that I recommend;
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1093262 by Not Available.
You did a great job with this; it's really funny and well worded, despite the difficulty of the task, that is writing a poem with all words starting with the same letter.
I hope you won't receive too many reactions from angry lawyers!
I have no particular suggestion for this; good job!
This is an interesting attempt to describe yourself by focusing on the differences and mysteries of your personality. It's also a statement on the importance of being oneself and fighting for acceptance.
The poem as a whole is quite well written and clearly stated.
Suggestions:
The punctuation really needs work, in my opinion. You use it in this poem, but not enough, which is sometimes misleading.
An example of this:
"I am an enigma.
What you may ask is an enigma?
It is something/someone that belies
understanding and cannot be explained
something of a mystery
a puzzle...a riddle ."
I think that a comma should be added after "explained" as there is a pause there.
I also think that some lines are a little too "verbose" and could be made a little shorter, lighter and more effective, but this is just my opinion.
I understand the kind of picture you draw in your poem. It's an attempt to capture what goes on in the mind of aperson in a state of perpetual anxiety. It seems to be someone who sees danger and evil potentially in everything.
The atmospehere is right and the images quite good, as a whole.
What I find lacking for more consistency, is a link, something that shows that all of this is taking place in someone's mind. It could be done by adding something in the end, that feels a little awkward like this, but certainly there are also other options to explore.
Also, I would advise you to pick up another word instead of "smothering" in the last stanza; this way, you'd be avoiding repetitions that don't add anything to the poem's meaning.
I took this poll mainly because I was curious to see the results so far.
I think that this is of course an interesting question, although listing "atheism" as a religion looks awkward, but it's just a question of formulation. Also, I see nothing about agnosticism.
I think that there are also many readers who hold a more personal form of belief and therefore don't identify with any of the official religions. This might explain the high number of readers who chose "other"
I like this a lot! It's really funny and a good to way to stop taking oneself too seriously.
I'm afraid I have no suggestion for improvement, but I find myself wondering "What happens when he or she comes back to the block?"
I guess I'm too curious by nature...
Well done!
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