When I read this poem, I can feel a bitter resignation in the description of the mechanism behind wrong relationships.
The analysis is deep and many untold emotions can be felt underneath the descriptive side, like here: "An impulse in my brain encouraging me to sample pain, and a dirty angel on my back saying that she'll remain."
I have one suggestion here, and it concerns layout. I really think this would look better if you spaced it up a little. As it takes a lot of place horizontally, which is your choice, I think it needs spacing between the lines.
There is indeed truth in the words you say, I agree, especially on this particular line: " She recognizes that her love has great value and must be reciprocated."
I really think that this could be made more attractive to the reader if you gave it some rhythm through spacing and layout. Just my opinion.
It's beautiful imagery stayed in my mind once I finished reading it.
The wording, the rhythm and the layout are perfectly adapted to the content.
I like the way in which you tell a story, without saying too much and without forcing a particular meaning on the reader.
I have found a personal interpretation in this death as a punishment for a crime that is inexistent because it cannot be defined by the laws of nature, but you left it up to the reader to decide.
Overall, this is a great free-verse poem that is both original and pleasant.
This is a good poem on the activity of writing and the feelings and emotions that it provokes
I can relate to this, just as many other readers on this site, I'm sure, will know what you are saying.
My favorite lines are: "...I feel their presence within me.
Emerson, Dickinson, Byron, and Shakespeare
exist in my heartbeat, my pulse, my coursing blood."
The connection you describe with writers existed in the past and still exist in our minds is a very true and profound one.
I have enjoyed the flow of your thoughts, although I thought some lines were "heavier" when I read it out loud, but that's just my opinion.
I think that the subject of your poem is interesting and i like the way you question yourself about wisdom as a process in our lives.
I also think that the wording could be improved in a few lines, such as in: "So amidst the state of wonder,
Amidst the frustration and tears
Comes wisdom we will share"
the repetition of amidst makes the sentence heavier, especially since we have the state of wonder+the frustration+the tears before we can find the action and finally the subject (wisdom).
"and within, a mistry arrives" is also a line that sounds a little awkward in the fourth stanza
"that shares their wisdom", I think it should be "share"
With some re-editing, I believe your poem could be improved
Oh, you are absolutely right to give me a link to this one!
It's indeed the kind of poem I truly appreciate.
I think this is my favorite stanza:
"I want my words
To be like a brook
No, not babbling,
But ever changing.
Cool and clear one day,
Not so clear the next.
Rushing, then still.
Words that grow."
It's fun to read because you play with words as physical entities, yet itt's also very profound and shows your commitment as a writer.
Maybe you would like
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First of all, I think I should thank you for this wonderful essay because it represents a very valuable source for anyone who reads, writes and/or reviews poetry.
This is interesting, informative, inspirational, thought-provoking and well written. Your use of quotes is also perfectedly integrated.
A few of my favorite quotes: "Poetry is speaking painting." Plutarch
"In poetry, syntaxes have little meaning, the order of the words is the order of your heart." - Peter A. Rosado
And, of course, I can only agree with this sentence you wrote: " It would appear, then, that rhyming is not a huge factor in creating poetry. Rhythm and flow is what distinguishes poetry from prose".
If only everyone on wdc would read this excellent item! Am I daydreaming?
I like how you develop the different aspects, such as intolerance, stereotypes, ideals and money.
It is indeed a good portrait of s superficial society where people are afraid of thinking by themselves. I totally agree on your point of view.
My main complaint is the form, not the content. I think that poetry calls for imagery that adresses the mind in a different way. It is more "oblique", less rational. It can play with words, sounds, rhythm, allitteration, rhyme, layout and many other things left to individual creativity.
It is my personal belief that "mystery" and playing with what is left unsaid is part of it too.
Your item is very descriptive and rational, maybe you could try to write another poem, on the same subject, this time replacing the description with imagery that is brought about by your thoughts.
This is just a suggestion. Overall, this was a good reading.
Every word in this item is well thought, everything you say is precise and unique.
The form and the content walk hand in hand and there is nothing I would change.
The only suggestion I have is to improve the layout in the end, it would make your item look better, clearer, although the visual aspect is not that important.
I read it twice and really like what you are saying here and the words that you have chosen.
I like everything in this poem : the subject, the descriptions and above all the free structure.
This is one of my favourite stanzas: "young street stow-a-ways
stir inside boarded abandaminiums
while next door
the fortunate born look down at them
inside luxury hi-rise condominiums"
Like in your poem "liberty cries", I like the way you observe the city and you are concerned about the people who live there.
I'm very impressed with both the form and the content of this item.
Your experience of disability is very interesting because you inform the reader of so many different aspects related to this. Your life, choices, reflections are all a gift to the reader through this short item.
Your writing skills are so good, that this is also a very pleasurable reading.
This is a good poem that describes the difficulties of life in prison in a very poetic way.
I think you did a great job, because with a harsh subject like this one, you have succeeded in creating beautiful images of "the men turnin' circles around this field
of lonely wasted time".
The only problem I had when reading this out loud was due to the lack of punctuation. It's a choice I fully understand in poetry because it's subjectivewriting, but in this case, you can help stress and rhythm in your poem by working on your layout.
This is a poem about children who suffer from violence, drug abuse and neglect in the heart of a big city like NY.
There is no punctuation throughout the poem, so I suppose this is a choice and that's ok with me. There is a comma in the middle of a line, though (with a space missing after the comma), so I'm left wondering.
Anyway, there is a fast flow in this item and a good rhythm punctuaded by the repetition of : "liberty cries"{/}
This is quite pleasant and fits the strong content.
I understand you feel strongly about the problems you describe here and want the reader to react.
It is an interesting subject that speaks to everybody.
You imagined things that could happen in the future in a very realistic way, this certainly doesn't sound like sci fi.
Actually, what you predict in this poem is scary, but, let' s face the fact: all of this can really come true.
As the subject is worth it, I think you could make a few changes to improve your poem.
There is puntuation in some parts, but not everywhere, so maybe you could add some like in:
"The year is 2110(Twenty-one ten)
And what a year it has been
Fear is floating in the air"
as well as commas that would make the item easier to read, especially since you have pretty much structured it as a list.
Also, for the end, I would really focus on the rhythm: "Worst of all, emotion was drained, and out went compassion and sorrow
And now, I fear, there will be no tomorrow."
I think it's better to separate this into three lines: "Worst of all, emotion was drained,
out went compassion and sorrow
and now, I fear, there will be no tomorrow."
Your item is very good, I have enjoyed reading your thoughts about life and creativity.
There is a lot of passionate search for meaning in your words together with the love for the stories you write.
"I have walked though the vast caverns of my mind, searching for missing parts of my soul
And discovered whole civilizations unknown to everyone but me, yet still holding their arcane secrets close."
These are my favourite lines, so meaningful.
Such a good item deserves a better layout, in my opinion, it's really worth giving it a try.
Interesting subject, hiding behind a mask and realizing how hard it is to change and get rid of it.
Personally, I don't think masks or paint are wrong, if you get to know yourself better, they can be used without being fake, just to show different aspects of you personality.
Your poem is quite good as it is, but could really be improved.
Especially the repetition of "me" could be avoiding, by showing different facets, choosing different words.
The second stanza can be extend, just a few more words to say what is it exactly that can seem "mean" to you, what is the object of your fears.
The ending lines are good and feel really honest.
If you re-edit, I'll be happy to re-rate and review.
It is short, but complete because it gives a clear idea of a state of sadness and loneliness, or rather sadness due to loneliness, I think.
Some short poems seem lovely, but fail to capture the essential.
Your poem is very funny and pleasant to read.
It is also very well written, the characteristics you give to the four vegetables are accurately thought and expressed.
Some parts are really excellent, like one of my favourites:
"He contends that if Old Greeny’d
Really been as long and big
As he’d gone to such lengths to propagate,
He wouldn’t be in such a pickle"
I am one of those wdc members who do think that poetry is not about writing a detailed and linear story.
There are other ways to put your words and thoughts together and speak to the mind of the reader.
It can be imagery, it can be abstract concepts, suggested or more vivid details, you can communicate through the sounds and rhythm...
There are countless ways to write a poem.
Yours is very good.
Each verse made me think and feel, although the "meaning" of your item is not to be found through a rational analysis.
And the last stanza says a lot. The illusion of reality through ideals and beliefs, although this is not all there is to life. I like the metaphor of the moon falling and rising again.
Nice poem about fragility, although I find it a little difficult to imagine a moth speaking those words! But, with a little imagination, it's fun to do.
Anyway, I think that the imagery is good and effective.
I'll be reading more, feel free to read my work too.
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