Very good poem about this subject. I like the idea of explaining something very "big" and complex by using a short description of a moment. You did this with a short dialogue and the description of a gesture.
Not knowing what happened before this moment makes the poem mysterious and the reader concentrates on the essential details.
Suggestion: I wonder if it wouldn't be better to make the dialogue stand out visually. The whole item looks a little compact to me, but that's just an opinion.
This was featured in Mavis Moogs newsletter, so I thought I'd have a look.
I really think this is a great subect and you did a great job.
It starts in a simple, almost simplistic way. The kind of writing and situation that everyone is familiar with. At this point, the setting is familiar and it is not clear what you are getting at, which is, well, clever!
Anyway, I agree on the content and I love the simple facts you used to make your readers think. Well done!
Very sweet piece of poetry, it really fits the intent. It's cool and simple, yet well constructed.
I like the idea this was written in only a few minutes and given to someone. Poetry has so many facets, it can be written in many different ways and this is fascinating.
I have enjoyed reading your poem, I hope you keep writing.
This is a lovely poem and it's the title at first, then the content that attracted me.
I think that your punctuation could be improved here. I noticed that you forgot a period at the end.
Also, I really think you need a comma after 'change" in:
"I smile, watching her children change
Yet stay constant."
These are my favorite verses, sweet and sensitive:
"If she vanished,
If Mother Nature disappeared,
Leaving behind barren
Formless, ever constant lands,
I really don’t know if
I could take"
The imagery you have used in this poem is clear and effective.
You have worded your poem with simplicity and accuracy and your rhymes feel quite natural.
I would really use some punctuation for this piece, or at least work more on layout. This would help the reader who searches for sense, for instance in:
"I can't begin to show
My mind is pitch black
with claw marks here and there"
I feel there is something missing, punctuation or just spacing up would help one to find rhythm and meaning.
I took your poll because I found the question intriguing.
It is interesting, although I would advise you to put "cleanliness" and "good hygiene" (careful, both terms are misspelled!) as one option and add something about maternity. I think that there are still many people who think that this is an essential quality for a woman.
I wish you good luck with your poll and English paper.
I'm always interested in different ways of writing poetry, personal style, something innovative, or a personal interpretation of more traditional poetry.
I read your poem and was particularly captivated by the rhythm, uneven yet coherent. It made me want to read it until the end with no effort. The form fits the content and this is what makes your poem a good read, in my opinion.
Your poems deal with the subject of loss and the feelings you convey show this with honesty.
The simplicity of the very different things you have listed is also part of the same honest approach. I like that.
There is a stanza in your poem, though, that I don't think is very clear:
"What a morbid milestone,
so much attached to a date,
I remember it so vividly, but I can't ask you
about old memories and mysteries.
It's too late."
I don't understand if this is about the date at the end of your poem, when she passed away. If it is so, I don't really see what kind of memories and mysteries this can be linked to. Maybe this part can be reworded.
I would also advise you to add commas after:
"fights"
"voice"
"ways"
"knew me"
to make the poem easier to read.
Have you considered using another word for "regular" in the last line? Something that sounds smoother to the ear, maybe "normal" or "another". I'd also cut this line after "14".
These are just a few personal suggestions, feel free to use them or discard them.
Overall, this is a nice poem and would be even better with a little work.
I'm glad to see this and what you did is interesting as the two versions seem to focus on slightly different aspects. The first one has an unfinished feel, "suspended", the second has a tragic twist in the end. Nice job.
I also re-rated your item. I hope to read more of your work.
When I saw the title, I was expecting something different, although the item description gives an idea of what is to be found in your poem.
The imagery you found to convey your message is very striking and the poem as a whole is very moving.
I can see the beginning of something beautiful, with a metaphor that does not sound superficial at all. But I have the feeling that something's missing, that you have stopped this a little too early.
I have nothing against a very short poem, but here I get the impression there would be more to write, so why not develop this into a longer poem (not necessarily very long, though).
This is my personal opinion, of course, and you are free to consider it or not.
This is an interesting poll with an intriguing question. I was surprised because I had never asked myself the question.
Although this has never happened to me, I think that it is possible. If a character is consistent and well described, the reader can identify with them. You can love or hate characters from a book, so I suppose you can also fall in love with them.
This piece deserves five stars. I love the contained passion, the quiet strength of your words in this poem.
It' s really interesting, the way you use numbers that merge into the landscapes of your wonderful imagery. The same feeling arises from the transformation of your description of nature into the features of the one betrayed.
This is an excellent piece, I'm glad I read it! I was attracted to the title because I lived and studied in Italy for many years and a friend of mine studied in Venice, so I often went to see her. I know the city pretty well.
I like the way you shared your memories, with a subtle sense of humour and great descriptive skills. Your characters are so vivid and, what is rare in this kind of item, you've given yourself the consistency of a character in your story.
I have truly enjoyed reading this, the only thing I would not say is "the jolly italian at the reception"; after all, what do we expect a receptionist to be in Italy?
This is the right poll just before I go to sleep... spooky dreams!
I have enjoyed taking your poll, it's short, with a clear question.
I do have a suggestion concernig the options given. I think that you could add "I don't know or I haven't made up my mind yet" and/or "The experiences I've had are difficult to interpret". This is just my opinion.
I like the message in your poem and the title is strong. It's nice that you chose to repeat the title at the end of your poem, this line really feels at the right place.
The wording is good and effective too, my only suggestion would be to replace "taste" in "taste your kiss" or "drink" in "drink the water from your lips". These expressions seem a little cliche, although they are good and there's nothing wrong with them, choosing an even more personal option to renew the vocabulary here would make it more surprising.
Overall, I have enjoyed reading this and I would like to encourage you to write more and more.
This is a poem written to a wonderful idea. It's so intriguing to imagine a map for one's mind.
Some of your verses are very good too, such as:
"In my mind you might see,
A locked door that needs a key,"
It's a pity, though, this poem doesn't keep its promise. There are lots of good ideas and thoughts, but none goes deeper than that.
These lines, for instance, say something important, but I'm sure you could find a less repetitive way of showing this to the reader.
"There are things that can hurt you,
Things that can't hurt you"
Also, I wonder what this means:
"Evev in an ordinary looking colwn"
I won't rate this below average, because I feel that you have something good to say and I think you can suceede by re-editing this poem. I hope this helps and am ready to read and rate it again.
What really gives this poem a particular style is the choice of vocabulary. The situation is narrated as if it was seen thtough the eyes of a child and the wording is adapted to this.
There are also many things left unsaid, which is both a quality and, somehow, a weakness,(just my opinion), maybe there could be a few more words to tell us about the way the girl sees the man.
Overall, I have enjoyed reading this original poem.
Interesting poem, although... I'm not sure I understand who "they" are.
Observers of life on earth? Real stars? Do they watch us from another planet? How are they connected to us?
Mysterious poem, pleasant when I read it out loud, with an intriguing atmosphere.
Nice choice of words, like in these verses: We fight multicolored lights,
Our silent screams your noises conceal,
I wish there were one or two more distinctive images that would stick to my mind after having read it. This is a direction for improvement, in my opinion, that would make this a very striking poem.
Overall, this is a good poem.
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