This is a poem written to a wonderful idea. It's so intriguing to imagine a map for one's mind.
Some of your verses are very good too, such as:
"In my mind you might see,
A locked door that needs a key,"
It's a pity, though, this poem doesn't keep its promise. There are lots of good ideas and thoughts, but none goes deeper than that.
These lines, for instance, say something important, but I'm sure you could find a less repetitive way of showing this to the reader.
"There are things that can hurt you,
Things that can't hurt you"
Also, I wonder what this means:
"Evev in an ordinary looking colwn"
I won't rate this below average, because I feel that you have something good to say and I think you can suceede by re-editing this poem. I hope this helps and am ready to read and rate it again.
What really gives this poem a particular style is the choice of vocabulary. The situation is narrated as if it was seen thtough the eyes of a child and the wording is adapted to this.
There are also many things left unsaid, which is both a quality and, somehow, a weakness,(just my opinion), maybe there could be a few more words to tell us about the way the girl sees the man.
Overall, I have enjoyed reading this original poem.
Interesting poem, although... I'm not sure I understand who "they" are.
Observers of life on earth? Real stars? Do they watch us from another planet? How are they connected to us?
Mysterious poem, pleasant when I read it out loud, with an intriguing atmosphere.
Nice choice of words, like in these verses: We fight multicolored lights,
Our silent screams your noises conceal,
I wish there were one or two more distinctive images that would stick to my mind after having read it. This is a direction for improvement, in my opinion, that would make this a very striking poem.
Nice one! I never tried this, it must be hard to make it work both ways.
You succeeded both technically and poetically as your short poem has a nice impact on the reader.
There's just one spelling to correct: palindrome should be written with one "L".
I see and hear when I read it, it's music and words, but also nice and perfect, together with interesting although imperfect. This poem makes me perceive all the possibilities.
I have enjoyed reading it, although I'm not very fond of repetitions!
This is a lovely poem, its honesty has a strong impact.
For the content, I find it interesting that a girl should be mature enough to find the right words and explain to her father what she needs from him. This is great.
Your poem is also well structured and written. To make it even more effective, I would suggest dividing it into separate stanzas, spacing it up a little, so that it's visually more attractive and easier to read.
"Just telling her she’s really fine".
I wouldn't use "really" here, the line has more impact without it and the shorter the better in this kind of statement, also for the rhythm when you read out loud.
As for my favorite lines, I'm in love with:
"Don’t talk to her about mistakes.
She won’t forget them anyway"
So much is said here.
The subject chosen for this poem is extremely important and interesting and it's clear that you really feel concerned about the life and pain of people geographically far away.
I like what you did with it, although I have a few suggestions to improve your poem.
1- The rhythm and flow is good, but could be improved, especially at the very end of the poem where each verse becomes longer and more difficult to read out loud.
2-"He Does Not Know the Feeling of a Warm Bed
He Does Not Know the Feeling of Being Fed"
In these lines, I would avoid the repetition that doesn't add anything, but makes this part "heavier". The rhymes and phrase length are enough to unify.
3- All of your descriptions of living with the terrible illness are true, although there could be a few more details to make this unique, giving more consistenct to the character description.
These are just personal impressions, overall, your poem is good.
I'm ready to read this again if you make any changes.
A moment in life where every detail counts and you seem to analyse it all slowly, accurately. This is what I feel when I read your poem.
What you say in your item description, however, I could not perceive in your verses, not entirely. In your poem, I don't see the possibility of this being temporary, I would have expected to have one word about this being for a day, a week or forever.
I think that the first five verses are very evocative and they are certainly my favorite.
This item is written as a brief description of a place in the neirborhood that causes you to worry.
I understand the first part that quickly explains the atmosphere of crime and drugs that can be found there.
I would suggest you to improve this item by completing your description , so that the reader can actually "see" the danger you are telling about.
In the final sentence, I'm a little lost, as I don't understand what is meant by: "Encourage those who are in the streets", or at least, I don't know what kind of encouragement this is.
I would really like to know why, therefore I invite you to make this item a little longer and detailed.
Again, an interesting poll for the writers on this site. I was immediately drawn to it.
Indeed, it's a good exercise to rate oneself as an author, with five options here, from one to five stars, with an explanation for each choice. I understand why you don't want any suggestion to add options, it would be useless anyway.
The results show a certain maturity and wisdom! Although there seem to be exceptions to this: the 2% who think they are absolutely perfect!
This is a great essay. By telling your story with very honest and effective words, you are also helping others understand the life of someone who's been through difficult times and suffered from bipolar disorder.
In a more general way, I think that comparing the way we felt when we were younger, finding thoughts that we wrote earlier in life can be very interesting. I have noticed that 12 years ago I had fears that came from a very complicated attitude that I have learned to simplify since then.
At first, it seemed to me that this poem had a very clear message, then, I thought about the rain and I came to the conclusion that everyone may hae a different interpretation of what the rain is...
I see it as something we long for, relief in our lives, improvement... it can actually be many different things.
Your poem is simply worded and quite effective and the imagery sticks to my mind.
I love the freedom in it and the way it makes me travel through different layers of life and culture.
When choosing a "genre", I would have chosen "philosophy" rather than "educational", I really think this is the nature of thoughts provoked by the way your words and imagery are assembled.
In these lines: "The river’s not too fast or so it seems
To stop the really mighty dreams"
"or so it seems" is useless and slows the rhythm, it is only there for the rhyme.
Favorite lines: "Speak some truth my public fool
Stand and make or break a rule
Share my head some ones and zeros
Show my heart romance and heroes"
I really think we need more people to speak the truth and break some rules in our world today!
Good poem that expresses feelings of fear and confusion, but also the will to defeat them.
It's the story of a beginning and just like many other beginnings, it's a scary time in life, but also an opportunity, exciting and positive, to fill your life with a content you choose.
It is interesting to see that questions are an important part of your poem (there are three), that make this a poem of transition.
My only suggestion is to re-word the third stanza about hiding, the image of how the drugs were used to hide from the place where you were surrounded by:
"Hatred, betrayal, and lies"
could become more striking, which is essential to understand you.
This is just my opinion for improvement, but your poem is already good and successful in conveying your message.
I really like the idea of expressing a quarrel through a poem.
I think you did a nice job with it.
There are some verses, however, where I find the rhymes somewhat forced, like in this stanza: "Now it's me?" then asked the first,
"This is quite possibly the most
Absurd thing yet!" His face was red.
"Of this you certainly can boast!"
There is something naturally irrespressible about anger that makes it difficult to put expressively in verse, I suppose.
I do think that with a few changes, you could achieve a more natural flow in your versification of dialogue.
There's little to be done and I'd be happy to see the final result.
Although the word sins is not really pat of my vocabulary, I was drawn to this poem.
You begin with a question that includes the reader and their senses in the thoughts you express.
I have truely enjoyed your imagery, the way it develops throughout the poem, with no weakness.
There's something dark about the memories and regrets from the past that will eventually come to haunt you and it's perfectly conveyed in your fourth stanza.
I really like most of the wording and imagery you have chosen for this poem. The subject is, of course, of great interest.
This is not a long poem, and I feel that you have concentrated a lot in some parts, like in: "While pretty liars riding the backs of the masses glitter and shine with glee,
Pocketbooks lined by the compact deaths of lizard kings.",
less in others: "I eat my crust of bread
Recall dreams of what was,
And what will be,
As I stand on the shoreline"
This makes it a little more difficult to follow when I read it out loud, searching for rhythm and flow, together with meaning.
You call this a poetic essay, but it's the poetry that speaks to me.
I like your imagery and the general soft atmosphere, I also like the way your sentences communicate, the abstract links between your thoughts.
I am not sure I understand what the description of your item tells me about it, but I definetely feel somethink about "the children that never ask why".
This is a poem I have enjoyed reading and I like the clear and strong expression of feelings.
What I found more difficult, when I read it out loud, is the flow in the first lines, which also makes it more difficult to enter the world of your thoughts.
I thnk that if the first four lines felt a little "lighter", it would be easier to "feel" the meaning.
I really like the idea behind the poem. What the gun stands for and the way the author wants to identify with this object. It means violence. but also need to change things, to be active and daring.
I have a problem with your second verse, though, in particular with: "the shot had begun"
I can imagine the action of shooting as being long enough to have a beginning and an end, but a single shot is just a moment in time, as soon as it begins, it is over.
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