I am not sure I understand the intent behind this poem very well. The language that is used here is quite surprising for a poem that you "scribbled down one day, standing at the kitchen sink".
It is a poem that speaks of love, but what is the final message? I'm not sure I can feel it or understand it properly.
These lines, for instance, don't realy make sense to me:
"Who assumes to choose
Lets not who love may have for him,
but who he might know as his".
I'm sorry if I missed out the deeper meaning of this item. Please, don't hesitate to answer to this review, it might be that I'm not receptive to your writing at this particular moment.
There is an inherent sweetness in this poem that I really like.
If you don't mind, though, I would also like to share with you my main complaint. I wish you told the reader just a little more about what makes this feeling special or unique.
My favorite line is the one that gives a more precise, unique setting:
"the temple's wet land".
The repetition of "you" at the end of four lines in such a short poem is somewhat useless, in my opinion.
This is such a vivid description of your mother and many other loving single mothers! As a single mom, I was deeply moved by your piece of writing.
The content is great, indeed. What you say in the end also shows how much you love and understand her needs. That is remarkable!
Now, for the form, if you don't mind, I would like to give you my personal opinion.
I think that this kind of item, not so long, written with rhymes, also needs a clearer rhythm pattern. This is why, I would suggest you to reconsider some of the longer lines that are a little difficult to read out loud, especially this one:
"She still finds time to talk to friends and look good"
That is just an opinion, but overall, I really thingk you did a good job with this.
A poem that brings to life stones, raindrops, fog... It's all pretty imaginative and each line is nicely constructed.
Once or twice, I had the impression the rhymes were a little force. Anyway, I think that this poem is free-spirited and it works well as free style poetry. So it doesn't even have to rhyme.
I found this to be a lovely piece with a nice idea behind.
This is an intriguing subject and a poem that is well thought out.
I have the impression, though, that more could be said to dig deeper into this topic. It felt, when reading it, as if some links were missing, for instance, between:
"I see you,
I hear you,
I cannot feel you.
and
"In my waking dreams,
thorns beneath my feet,
are muted."
I am not sure I can understand or at least feel tha connexion.
"Strong words, mistakes,
wakes me up" - I think that the verb should be "wake me up" here.
"just an inch;
above reality." - I don' think the punctuatiion is right here, there shouldn't be any after "inch".
I hope you don't mind these comments, feel free to tell me what you think.
Overall, an insightful poem that needs some editing.
It's Tuesday, time to read something about Monday mornings that we all hate, don't we?
You'll have to wait a little more until Friday comes to soothe you.
This is a very good account, many readers will relate to this. It flows naturally and could even be extended or used as part of another, longer item, who knows?
I enjoyed reading this poem because it has a very personal style and voice. Simple in form, straightforward use of words, like a recollection of memories and impressions.
It's just an opinion, but I would advise you tho avoid repetition (since in this case it seems useless) of the word "layers" used as a noun and as a verb in the following line.
I really liked the way you compared two opposed worlds: "the tops
of clouds" and "the underneaths".
Hello,
I discovered this poem and it held my attention until the end. I read it out loud too, to feel its rhythm and flow.
The message is clear. Your poem is not oblique (which is sometimes the way poems deliver the message). You choose a way that illustrates tour thoughts by layers of descriptions. The choice is fine with me.
However, in this kind of structure, this lines comes too early or rather says too much at an early strange.
"Also, a feeling that too much was visible".
Why say too much if, at this stage, it is still just a feeling. As this line is linked to the previous one:
"Many new possibilities came with the day"
I think you could opt for something more neutral by saying something like
"Casting a light on a world now visible" (just an example)
It's in the following stanza that the reader will really discover a grim and tragic reality. Let your reader be surprised.
In my humble opinion, a good acrostic poem is one that makes you forget what it is because the content is good. It's only once you've read it that you remember it was an acrostic.
This is what happened when I read your poem. The words you choose to describe skin, wrinkles, marks, scars, life, character... are all wonderful.
This is who you are, but it's also a message that tells the readers to accept and be proud of who they are.
Accepting all your emotions and the signs they leave is indeed a great and serene step towards maturity.
I totally adhere to the ideas you developed in this item. You did so with a lot of verve and enthusiasm, a little bit of anger too. And you are right to express this.
The form is a little repetitive during the first half and then changes to something quite different. I found it a little distracting, but it may be just a personal impression.
I have a doubt concerning this line:
"My life was given to me, not you, from the master above"
Do you mean that their life wasn't given "by the master above"? I am not sure I understand the full meaning and purpose of this line.
"Are you following your heart in your choice or does society speak for you?
Or are you listening to a bigot’s point of view"
Good questions here. You only need a question mark for the second part.
How interesting and rich. Your writing covers so many aspects of life. Your experience is shared here with great wisdom.
It seems that you have learned so much from life, that you have spent so much time thinking and understanding the world around you.
This is a very interesting read. I so agree with many things you wrote.
Just like these lines:
" It's not that man, or woman, is weak, but rather that love, in general, is so strong. People can be persuaded into believing that they are in control of their love, but when they finally see that love for what it really is, they have no choice but to give in."
I just read this poem and wondered what inspired you to write it. As you call it "fictional", I had the impression that you were inspired by a real story, or a mix of stories.
It's a sentimental poem, but it's also very realistic. It's a subject that always makes me think, I can't help it.
The "small am I" at the beginning of each stanza really gives me the idea of someone who is so helpless.
Hello,
I took your poll. It is quite intriguing and I was drawn to the subject.
I am not sure I understand why there has to be any link between the increase in population and the question "why do the souls come from?"
Do you think it's a question of... numbers?
Are you impliying you believe in reincarnation? Then,I wonder why you don't say so. It's my opinion,but I thinkitwouldmakeyour introduction clearer.
When I read the option:
"I do not know the answer but would like to know one myself",
I am not sure I understand why you begin by saying "the" answer and then "one" answer. It' either one or the other, don't you think?
Anyway, thankyou for making meand other readers think.
This is an interesting item; written with razor-sharp words and concision.
It seems that,as an author, you decided to focus on hypocrisy, crime and keeping up appearances. Although,in some of the examples given, such as:
"A schoolboy’s so popular
Classmates say he lacks allure.
He thanks them by going far.
The reward is massacre."
there is hardly anything to hide!
Your style, as I described, fits the grim reality you portray.
The title and subject of this piece are what I found incredibly intriguing.
I discovered a short poem,with an original rhythm and flow that is not afraid of being different. And I like that.
The descriptions are great, but this is not the usual nice and descriptive poem about nature, which is not really my favorite kind of poetry.
You have succeeded in blending the descriptive parts with some abstraction and interesting point of view.
Forgive me for using a whole stanza, but I like your vision and the particular progression of thought in these lines:
*red*But lethal are the consequences of her
Necessity,
Forgotten is flight, the sting is all her
Enemy knows before oblivion
I have no particular suggestion,escept that I felt this item could be extended or be linked to another item that would complete it... from the point of view of a prey?
This is great. I also read other items from this folder of short, original wrightings, all perspicuous and clear.
The second time I read this particular poem, I could really feel the depth in
"but unsung song
and
silent pain"
which I find very truthful and appealing when speaking about a poet's approach of the world.
I'm not sure, but it could be because this notion is very familiar to me and present when I write.
The beginning and realation to linear time is interesting too.
I'm really glad that I had the opportuning of discovering your work thanks to the tuwg store.
I was visiting your port and read this short poem.
I like it: it's simple and effective. It's like two sides of a mirror, both in shape and in content.
The ending is very appropriate too.
I am not sure about the repetition of the word "things" (four times in your poem), but it's just a matter of choice and maybe you thought it was stronger this way.
Thank you for sharing your work.
Axilea
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