This is a poem with lovely and vivid imagery. I like the descriptions you made that, to me, sound/feel like internal landscapes.
I love these lines, for instance:
"Some secrets you think can't be told,
I can see the remains in every line on your face.
It shows in the way you hold your shoulders,"
The only thing that sometimes "bothered" me, but the word is too strong, is that there seems to be a certain rhythm that makes some lines sound disconnected from one another. In that case, it might be better to separate this into a few stanzas. Thi is particularly what I felt after the first two lines.
Of course, it's just my personal impression.
Overall, nice work, I hope to read more of your work.
At first, I thought that this wasn't "my kind of poem", too descriptive for me.
But then, little by little, I was fascinated by your beautiful choice of vocabulary.
Your poem is very concentrated and dense. Maybe it somehow needs to let the reader "breathe" a little more , but this is just a personal feeling I have and not a criticism.
I love the last two lines, they are very striking indeed.
I took a look at your port and saw that you are new, (welcome!) and only have a few items.
I picked up this one because the subject is interesting.
As you reviewed my poem "Invalid Item" , you can probably feel the that there is a slightly similar topic and questioning.
Your piece is very interesting, although I think that it's not just religions, there are also other kinds of speculations and beliefs on life after death that coul have been mentioned.
This was a very difficult item to read, I found the story and, particularly the fact that all the detils are given from the girl's point of view, very poignant.
I think that it is original and clever to have implied, with the use of the detail of the light under the door, the tragic event. It creates an incredible tension.
Many are the poems about abuse, all are moving and essential, some are also well crafted, just like yours.
Your poem of love gone wrong is quite personal and a good read.
Some of my favorite lines:
" I just didn't
want my fingertip to catch every tear
I'd cry."
In these lines, I am not sure of the use of "however":
"I didn't want you to call me honey,
however that is a lie."
do you mean "because it's a lie" or do you mean that in fact you do want to be called "honey". I think that re-writing this sentence would make it clearer.
I also noticed a typo:
"I ask who am I suppose to be?" should be "supposed".
The first stanzas are the best ones, with a nice rhythm and flow.
I am giving you a four-star rating to encourage you, I hope you'll write more poetry.
The feelings that motivate your poem are clearly expressed. The imagery of the puddle and reflection are interesting too.
Your poem could certainly be improved if there was some evolution in the imagery and the little story ou are telling the reader.
The beginning is god, but then the concept stays pretty much the same.
If I could suggest something,I would tell you to separate your writing into different stanzas, trying to move from one stanxa to the other and from one idea to another.
It gets somewhat repetitive at the end and for no particular reason.
You have some nice elements that many readers an relate to, so I'm sure you can turn this into a more striking poem.
Just one more thing: I think it would be better to use the item description to... describe the poem or at least give a little image or comment.
I hope to read more of your work and feel free to answer.
This is an interesting and original poll. It questions the reader on the meaning of a common noun, on the personal connotations the word may have for each of us.
I agree with the answer:
"A worshiper of nature and/or the God and the Goddess. (They do exist as members of a peaceful neo-pagan religion)"
Although I'm more comfortable with the following definition:
"For
many centuries, a witch was simply a woman who would not obey the rules concerning women in patriarcal societies. These were often learned, wise women who obtained knowledge from the observation of nature and the transmission of secrets from one generation to the other. This was mainly due to the fact that "official" knowledge was forbidden to women."
This is an invitation, Sherri. Believe me, I'd be very happy to join you. I think that we all have those beautiful inner landscapes where we can escape to find the peace and strength we need in our everyday life.
It's an inspirational poem, but also a generous one that shows how much you need to share the good things.
The association of colors with emotions is a frequent and universal phenomenon, although some associations tend to be more personal.
In your poem, I took the descriptions as being very personal; I could "understand" them, although, in my opinion, they were difficult to "feel".
But I enjoyed the general atmosphere that can be felt throughout your poem.
I do have a problem with the adjective "crimson". For some reason it seems to have become a poetic cliché, I find it in at least two poems a day on WDC.
Not so long ago, I read another of your poems on South Africa and I was impressed.
Here, the content is different, less poetic in a way. as your are not making use of any imagery that speaks to the reader's senses. Still, I appreciated your thoughts and writing.
It isn't more political than the other, as some may think. It's actually less powerful because it doesn't provide the reader with a more physical connexion to the environment. We, as humans, can understand the concerns and suffering of humanity if we can make use of empathy. And you, as a poet, can certainly help.
Your introduction here, sounds very angry. I can understand the way you feel and I know and read about South Africa. But there's no reason for saying that those who don't are just lazy. Instead, invite them to learn more, maybe even add a link to a site that can summerize your country's recent history and the roots of Apartheid, that are less recent.
This is just an opinion, take it or leave it. And feel free to tell me what you think.
This is a darker poem that I enjoyed. It's very expressive, with short, "cutting" sentences that tell a lot about the writer's vision and state of mind.
The end is also concentrated and meaningful.
There isn't anything I would change here. Congratulations for winning PPC.
I took the first poll, obviously, I wasn't going to miss the second one!
The question is, well, a question. After all, there isn't much we can do if you are curious.... And to satisfy your natural curiosity, I tried to answer this one as accurately as I could.
The problem is... I sing everywhere (not all the time, mind you, but everywhere)! Whenever I'm alone or surrounded by friends or family who are not asleep or concentrated or bothered by this, I sing! Fortunately for those who hear me sing, I have a good voice and studied the piano for many years, which is a good way to avoid human suffering.
I see that there is no option for (almost) compulsive singers like myself... hmmm.
When I read your poem, I thought that many readers might not like the general tone of your item. Actually I do like it. It's bold and honest, but although it looks spontaneous, it's well thought out.
The rhymes are original, not at all forced and there are some good internal rhymes too:
"all on their precious paper,
it's all vapor to me."
Towards the end, you wrote "lets" instead of "let's".
Other than that, I noticed nothing to change.
There is something very abstract and oblique in this piece of poetry. The flow is quite particular too; there's some kind of pleasant fluidity, yet the rhythm sometimes changes and hesitates, with some interesting repetitions. (I only like repetitions when they actually add something to the poem and in this case, they do).
It seems that the interpretation is open, as the readers will understand this piece according to their beliefs.
Wonderfully written. I think you did a great job with the title-prompt; it was a totally unexpected story.
I appreciate your writing skills; you were very successful in delivering the right information at the right time, while portraying the characters with few but essential elements.
Great use of flashback perfectly integrated in the main story.
I don't think this item is so easy to understand, it sounds like you're mixing different sources of inspiration. I like the idea and often put it into practice.
Your imagery is one that many readers can share provided they come from a similar religious and cultural background. And the whole piece is well constructed.
This is a poem with a simple, repetitive pattern that is effective. This is also because of its length, it isn't too long like some poems that repeat a whole phrase and become... boring!
Yours has a clear and straightforward message showing all of the narrators attempts and the way they were ignored.
I wonder if it's a good idea, though, to have the second and the last stanza use almost the same words. That repetition is not needed, in my opinion.
This is a wonderful story, well thought out, nicely structured. The descriptions and the actions work beautifully.
But what amazes me in this short story is the empathy that you used to create your main character, the homeless man. He is so real!
The whole piece is so realistic and poetic at the same time and you did a terrific job pointing out the prejudice against the poor and homeless.
- I would advise you to change the tense in this sentence:
"Of course the article will go on to show the security guards valiant effort to stop the thief and attacker,"
and use "would" as the whole item is written in past tense, as you did in:
"There he would be far enough away from the mall, and he would be able to eat his lunch under the shade of a tree. He could just imagine what the next day’s paper would read like.
Thank you for the great read!
Axilea
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. And to satisfy your natural curiosity, I tried to answer this one as accurately as I could.
and I find the little story in your poem quite surprising.