This is a short and poignant attempt to describe the feeling emptiness of emptiness after losing someone.
I also like it for the athmosphere created and with:
"So let lights burn out,
And let children cry"
leaving it to the reader's imagination to complete the picture.
Nice end that fits well.
As you are new here, I can only encourage you to write more.
This is my... fourth review, as requested... I think! Well, I'll check that later.
I was completely fascinated by this poem, its original structure and way of provoking images with different layers.
I was so intrigued by the way you delivered your thoughts that I had to read it once again before I noticed it was an acrostic poem, with each stanza beginning with the same letter.
Your first stanza really makes for a wonderful introduction. Here it is, I'm sure this will attract more readers to this item:
"A photograph of the Berlin Wall
at the end of an alley way
alerts one to the dead end
all war leads to"
I noticed one word that was misspelled:
"ancesters" that should be "ancestors".
I picked up another item from your port and truly enjoyed reading it.
Your writing is dense, evocative and simply beautiful.
I can feel the two characters in this story with the same intensity: both the haunting presence of the church and that of the man who changed through the years.
I like the way you showed, instead of telling, how the young boy, whose education left no room to emotions and art, had finally turned into someone who accepted them in his life.
Just one suggestion: I don't know what you think, but "so" is used many times in the second part of your story. How about changing or suppressing one or two?
Thank you for the intriguing read and hope you write more!
I needed to read something lighter (I thought: "not another poem on depresion tonight,please...")and I picked up this item from the limerick folder in you port.
I had fun reading the two portraits. And you know what? I would have recognized the two unfortunately non-fictional characters even if you hadn't written their names!
Now, I can't deny that you make an interesting point. You also give the reader an example of a particular sense of humour, you call it british, but I find it trash and not all british humour is trash,is it?
I agree about the Britney-and-alike part, but I'm not sure I've seen many brilliant goths in disguise. After all, they are like two sides of the same coin, products of the same industry and simply follow todays stereotypes.
Whether one agrees with you or not, your item is quite edifying.
The descriptions and actions are well detailed in this item, it makes easy to "see" this moving picture vividly painted.
Although not a poem in a traditional way - but the definition cannot be restrictive, in my opinion - I can feel the poetic touch within the frame of a typical situation of daily life.
It's very realistic and cute at the same time. It is funny too.
Why not add a few genres here? "Family" could be one genre to select here. And why not "children's" as it couldbe read to a child. I am sure many could relate to this .
I picked up this item because of its title and item description. I like the idea of a cyclical process, and aspect of our lives that we tend to forget about in our hectic world.
When I read this item, I could really appreciate the work behind it. You did an amazing job with the details of flowers, scents, hues, using words and sounds with great skill.
I have to admit that,when I read this out loud,I find it difficult. Not because of the meaning, but because of the difficult words and compounds. It's fascinating, but makes for a difficult read and a complex structure.
This being said, there is no reason why a poem should have an easy pattern and smooth flow.
There is a certain complexity in this poem, the imagery quickly traveling fromone point to another.
Some are striking and easy to grasp:
"Honesty was the towel that dried up the stream of our love"
Others are a little too intricate in my opinionand couldbe more effective:
"I could have drowned in rose-scented waters
flowing beneath the mid-afternoon sun
laced with the bittersweet poison of deceit"
I don't know what this might convey to the reader.
The poem is nicely written and the last lines are fabulous. I am sure many readers will see the truth in them.
Spacing up the item would probably make it more pleasant to read.
Very... sweet indeed! Nice use of color that fits the content. Instead of making it descriptive,which was another possible option, I think, you gave this acrostic poem a very dynamic form.
The last line with "eat me" is a little incoherent because you used the quotation marks only once, that's all I could find.
This is a nice piece of writing, I quite like the inherent sweetness. The descriptions are simle and could be used as the beginning of a longer item. You could try to extend this.
I would advise you to avoid repeting the same verb in such a short piece:
"as if they're watching me"
"I would come just to sit by the river and watch the water"
The imagery of this short piece is good: empty stores, no sound, air that is thick, dust... these metaphors of emptiness and solitude are clear.
I think that it couldbe extended into something a littlemore detailed in order to enhance the feeling of alonely and abandoned place that youwant to convey.
The more details you give , the more your sudden conclusion will stand out :
"And now I am all alone."
Another suggestion would be to use more punctuation.
There are periods, but no commas.
I'd also add a period after "No other person can be found". The following line brings about a new idea:
"The sky is..."
I hope you don't mind my suggestions to improvethis piece.
What a wonderful piece of writing. It's crystal clear, carries a great message without losing its poetic strength.
You mention the terrible loss of priorities in politics and everyday life. I can only agree.
"to reach a goal no-one really needs,
the food from the poor they brutally steal."
As for the imagery, the last line is absolutely fascinating and striking.
Thank you for the great and thought-provoking poem.
This is a very sweet haiku. I love the relation betwen something so small and something as "big" and strong as spirituality. Almost like saying that God is in details.
I don't usually write haikus, but shouldn't line one and three have the same number of syllables (5-7-5)? I counted 6 for the last line.
This is a very interesting poll indeed. I saw this on the public review page and was really intrigued.
Your explanations and options are all very accurate, that makes a good poll.
This being said, I couldn't really find an option close to what I think. I would summarize this as evolution with a form of energy as a source or principle. It is not God, but I wouldn't call it atheism either.
Anyway, thank you for the poll, hope you get many answers.
The subject of piece is very interesting, mainly because it is difficult to guess the conclusion while reading the poem. Nice twist in the end.
It is very descriptive and slow too, it has no particular rhythm, but a distinctive voice.
I have the feeling that some lines could be just a little shorter.
I would also avoid using the verb "turn" so many times:
"And offered me a free turn that I turned down."
"I thought to myself about the offer I turned down"
Same thing can be said about "familiar/unfamiliar"
and "crowd/crowded".
I hope you don't mind my suggestions. Overall,this is a good item, with a personal touch, but I think you can still improve it.
I'm finally visiting your port and finding many interesting items here.
This one is the typical question we all ask ourselves at one point. I still haven't found the answer, or my answer.
It's nicely worded and I can follow your thoughts.
There's just this line:
"Is it possible for us to love too much?"
that doesn't seem to be at the right place at that point in your poem. Maybe you chose to put it there for the rhyme, I don't know.
I came upon this poem and saw on the review request page that you are new here and haven't received many reviews yet.
I'm here to help!
This is a good poem, one that is very personal, with a particular voice (and everyone here knows how difficult and tricky it can be to find one's voice in poetry). You created an atmosphere and a presence. It's nice the way you talk about the thoughts of your character and how they wander.
I just think that maybe some of the longer lines could be a little more concentrated to keep the poem powerful.
I also wonder if
"Jag ?lska du" (I love you)
shouldn't be "elska" , But I'm not a champion in Scandinavian languages.
This is a nice poem. The subject is depression, you say, but I think that there is also a lot of questioning, reacting, which doesn't sound like a typical case of depression.
Your poem has a smooth feel and a good flow. I think that there are a few things, though, that could be improved.
- "Deepest, darkest depths" what is "a deep depth"? It doesn't really make sense> I would suggest to find another adjective to replace "deepest".
- Although "promise is in the title, you use "I was promised" three times> the first and the last are ok, but I would definitely change the middle one into another verb.
"Where is the sunshine I was promised?
Where is the happiness I was promised?"
you could change the second one into an active verb like
"hoping for" or "longing for". (Just a suggestion)
One little typo:
"suffocationg" - "suffocating"
Overall, a poem with good potential that can certainly be improved.
I'm glad I discovered this short and lovely poem. I like the way you worked on contrasts and very concentrated bits of imagery.
The form is perfectly adapted to this kind of structure and it also looks good, with a nice visual impact.
Your introduction is what really made me read the poem: I'm back from Mauritius where enticing colors, warm wind and sunshine made me feel better. Unfortunately, I live in a very grey and rainy country and I can totally relate to your point of view.
I quite enjoyed reading this poem because of its short lines, straightforward and clear message. It has a nice rhythm too.
A few personal ideas/suggestions:
In this free form that you let flow freely, some sudden rhymes are less successful. It's probably the second sgtanza that leads me to this conclusion. Three consecutive rhymes, not particularly original, are a little out of place:
- eyes
- dies
- tries
The idea and atmosphere being quite lovely, I think this poem is worth just a little re-editing.
Just my opinion.
Feel free to answer.
Best wishes,
Axilea
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Well, I'll check that later.
.