This is a nice piece of writing, I quite like the inherent sweetness. The descriptions are simle and could be used as the beginning of a longer item. You could try to extend this.
I would advise you to avoid repeting the same verb in such a short piece:
"as if they're watching me"
"I would come just to sit by the river and watch the water"
The imagery of this short piece is good: empty stores, no sound, air that is thick, dust... these metaphors of emptiness and solitude are clear.
I think that it couldbe extended into something a littlemore detailed in order to enhance the feeling of alonely and abandoned place that youwant to convey.
The more details you give , the more your sudden conclusion will stand out :
"And now I am all alone."
Another suggestion would be to use more punctuation.
There are periods, but no commas.
I'd also add a period after "No other person can be found". The following line brings about a new idea:
"The sky is..."
I hope you don't mind my suggestions to improvethis piece.
What a wonderful piece of writing. It's crystal clear, carries a great message without losing its poetic strength.
You mention the terrible loss of priorities in politics and everyday life. I can only agree.
"to reach a goal no-one really needs,
the food from the poor they brutally steal."
As for the imagery, the last line is absolutely fascinating and striking.
Thank you for the great and thought-provoking poem.
This is a very sweet haiku. I love the relation betwen something so small and something as "big" and strong as spirituality. Almost like saying that God is in details.
I don't usually write haikus, but shouldn't line one and three have the same number of syllables (5-7-5)? I counted 6 for the last line.
This is a very interesting poll indeed. I saw this on the public review page and was really intrigued.
Your explanations and options are all very accurate, that makes a good poll.
This being said, I couldn't really find an option close to what I think. I would summarize this as evolution with a form of energy as a source or principle. It is not God, but I wouldn't call it atheism either.
Anyway, thank you for the poll, hope you get many answers.
The subject of piece is very interesting, mainly because it is difficult to guess the conclusion while reading the poem. Nice twist in the end.
It is very descriptive and slow too, it has no particular rhythm, but a distinctive voice.
I have the feeling that some lines could be just a little shorter.
I would also avoid using the verb "turn" so many times:
"And offered me a free turn that I turned down."
"I thought to myself about the offer I turned down"
Same thing can be said about "familiar/unfamiliar"
and "crowd/crowded".
I hope you don't mind my suggestions. Overall,this is a good item, with a personal touch, but I think you can still improve it.
I'm finally visiting your port and finding many interesting items here.
This one is the typical question we all ask ourselves at one point. I still haven't found the answer, or my answer.
It's nicely worded and I can follow your thoughts.
There's just this line:
"Is it possible for us to love too much?"
that doesn't seem to be at the right place at that point in your poem. Maybe you chose to put it there for the rhyme, I don't know.
I came upon this poem and saw on the review request page that you are new here and haven't received many reviews yet.
I'm here to help!
This is a good poem, one that is very personal, with a particular voice (and everyone here knows how difficult and tricky it can be to find one's voice in poetry). You created an atmosphere and a presence. It's nice the way you talk about the thoughts of your character and how they wander.
I just think that maybe some of the longer lines could be a little more concentrated to keep the poem powerful.
I also wonder if
"Jag ?lska du" (I love you)
shouldn't be "elska" , But I'm not a champion in Scandinavian languages.
This is a nice poem. The subject is depression, you say, but I think that there is also a lot of questioning, reacting, which doesn't sound like a typical case of depression.
Your poem has a smooth feel and a good flow. I think that there are a few things, though, that could be improved.
- "Deepest, darkest depths" what is "a deep depth"? It doesn't really make sense> I would suggest to find another adjective to replace "deepest".
- Although "promise is in the title, you use "I was promised" three times> the first and the last are ok, but I would definitely change the middle one into another verb.
"Where is the sunshine I was promised?
Where is the happiness I was promised?"
you could change the second one into an active verb like
"hoping for" or "longing for". (Just a suggestion)
One little typo:
"suffocationg" - "suffocating"
Overall, a poem with good potential that can certainly be improved.
I'm glad I discovered this short and lovely poem. I like the way you worked on contrasts and very concentrated bits of imagery.
The form is perfectly adapted to this kind of structure and it also looks good, with a nice visual impact.
Your introduction is what really made me read the poem: I'm back from Mauritius where enticing colors, warm wind and sunshine made me feel better. Unfortunately, I live in a very grey and rainy country and I can totally relate to your point of view.
I quite enjoyed reading this poem because of its short lines, straightforward and clear message. It has a nice rhythm too.
A few personal ideas/suggestions:
In this free form that you let flow freely, some sudden rhymes are less successful. It's probably the second sgtanza that leads me to this conclusion. Three consecutive rhymes, not particularly original, are a little out of place:
- eyes
- dies
- tries
The idea and atmosphere being quite lovely, I think this poem is worth just a little re-editing.
This is a new and very interesting poll! I recommend it to anyone interested in writing (I suppose this means everyone on this site!).
I thing this is a very important concept, although I agree that it is not always easy to grasp.
In a way, I think I found my own voice, but that doesn't mean that I will stay where I am forever. It is important for me to question my writing, to feel that I can learn and grow.
I know a few wonderful authors on this site who have definitely found their voice.
The way you depict "fake love" is very original.
You ertainly found a voie and style to convey your message.
I like the form and words chosen for this piece. I also like the repetition of stanza two as part of stanza three, once you've given more details and made the whole picture clearer.
I have no particular suggestion and I'll read more of your work asap.
The idea behind this poem is so generous. I totally agree with th content ofthis piece and your message of love instead of hatred.
Beating and killing people just because they are different, gay, black, women, christian, pagan, short or thin... is always a crime, whatever the "reason".
Your poem expresses this clearly, although I feel it could be just a litle longer, that a few words could link the two stanzas.
The second stanza begins with:
"For humankind to love"
and ends with:
"Love must win."
It sounds pretty logical, but does it really tell us anything? There is something missing,something that you are trying to tell on how this should happen. What is love, how will it win? How can hatred be defeated?
In my humble opinion, your beginning is strong and promising, so you might want to improve the end and give us a more precise image of how you want the world to change.
These are my opinions, feel free to answer. Thank you for the thought-provoking read.
This is an interesting poem and the content will certainly speak to many.
There is a certain wisdom in it and the subject is of general interest.
My main concern here is the rhythm and flow of this poem that can certainly be improved, especially in the middle of your item. Improving punctuation can also help when reading out loud.
Also, don't forget to select the "genre", you might add "inspirational" or "philosophy" to gain exposure.
This is very nice, Lexi, and it's very visual too.
I like it, it's a piece that one can feel and understand very quickly and easily. It appeals direcly to the senses.
My favorite is the opening stanza, it is very striking imagery with a good choice of words.
I am not so sure about the use of italics for this piece, bu that's just a very personal opinion.
Hi, Lexi,
This is my third review of the TUWG series.
This is certainly one of my favorite pieces from your port. You chose a form - the triolet - and it's a good thing that you gave some clear explanations to the readers.
The lighter shade you chose also fits the lighter content, just as the form, with its repetitions gives it a circular, more rounded shape that is kind of sweeet.
What I mean is there is a real coherence in the different aspects of your poem and that makes it all the more enjoyable.
This item tells a story. It doesn't give many details from a narrative point of view, but it does explain the evolution of your feelings and the way the predator was slowly unmasked.
Your words are well chosen, your expression is effective, like in:
"luring his prey,
studying his subject
carefully and close
until he knew me
like an open book.
He spoke in poetry
with captivating charm.
He focused on my needs
to secure my trust in him."
These are acually my favorite lines because they do expose the predator. You spot and describe the typical behavior of this kind of manipulative personality.
In my opinion, your poem could also use some imagery. You speak more to the intellect than to the senses, but with some imagery, ou could achieve both.
This being said, the piece is well writen and interesting.
This is a good poem. I think you did a nice job writing this from the point of view of a little girl who invented a new game.
The mirror is an important object for a little girl and it's part of her identification process. The game is actually more than just a game, it becomes a tool that helps her grow up.
I like the fantasy of the twin or her gardian angel, a companion is often made up by a child.
Why not add "children's" as a genre, rather than "entertainment" or "other"?
You seem to enjoy trying different poetry forms. This one is written in "pi" format.
Again, good idea to add a description of the form for your readers.
This is a difficult subject that you chose. I don't know if it was part of the prompt; it seems to me that it's a subject you chose for a more personal reason.
The beginning is very strong and clear. I like the words in italics and what they mean and add to the poem.
I have the impression that this could have been kept further in the poem. The emotions, raw, subjective, slowly fade towards the end.
To me, it is a little confusing to suddenly introduce "they" as society in the piece. Their role is not so clear and the girl seems to disappear at that point.
As I said, interesting and daring subject, good use of form, good beginning, but slightly ambiguous and distracting towards the end.
This was my fifth review for your order.
I hope you keep writing more poetry, I'd love to see that poetry folder grow.
All the best.
Axilea.
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