My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Arielle and Cal enjoy dancing.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the author caputured the sponanety of the dance.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the 3rd person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
Minor correction, as written: Arielle whispers, "You have any other good ideas?"
My suggestion: Arielle whispered. "You have any other good ideas?"
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene. You could expand on this if you wanted, focusing on the five senses, specifically, hearing, and smell. You don't need a lot just a stragetically placed sentence or two that would amp up the story.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: a kitchen
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Arielle and Cal
There's enough here to understand their motivations. They enjoy dancing. Anything can be dancing inspiration to them - even a dish towel.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening intrigues the reader. I liked the ending. The story evokes romance. Write on!
I liked how the characters cared for each other in this story. The story evokes emotion and put the reader in the moment.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person limited by Sergeant Weems. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The dialogue moves the story forward.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes.
SETTING
TIME: modern day?
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that is not defined, but could be clarified for the reader. I might think this is the Iraq/Afghanistan conflict, Gulf War I, Vietnam, or even World War II. Too an extent, I suppose it doesn't have to be defined, the reader can believe what they wish, but I think it would benefit the topic to define the conflict involved.
CHARACTERS
Sergent Weems
There's enough here to understand his motivations. He's come to care for his troops because of the conflict they're involved in.
MECHANICS
I might suggest an edit for punctuation and spelling. The correct spelling for "Sargent" is "Sergeant" which is only used once in the story. Private is underlined in the story, and I found a sentence with two periods.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. I had just one content question: How could Private Brady be expected to fire the missle when his shoulder is pretty missed up? The opening intrigues the reader. The pacing of the story is well done.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
A boss tells a story about how one of her employees answers the phone.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked how the honesty of the story made me smile.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the first person by the boss. Good job with narration. There isn't an overused of "I" here which is good. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I might suggest putting the dialogue in paragraphs so it's easier to read here on the site.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scene.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
The boss
She's telling a humorous story.
MECHANICS
I might suggest a minor edit for punctuation. The only spelling error I found was "I use to be head" I would write "I used to be head" Pay attention to were commas are needed.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening engages the reader. The vignette has good character voice.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
In the future, a Chevrolet is as classic as an apple pie, but you have to go to the show to understand.
WHAT I LIKED
I loved the creativity on this vignette. Good character voice.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person omniscient. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. The vignette is told as a radio segment so it's dialogue only.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to paint the picture. There's going to be a show of historical items in the town and the radio DJ's are putting out a promo.
SETTING
TIME: the future
PLACE:radio station
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
DJ's Rick and Jane
They give a good promo for historical day.
MECHANICS
II might suggest an edit for spelling and punctuation.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestion as mentioned above. The opening piques the reader's interest. You used most of the words in the prompt IAW with the contest rules. I don't think I saw "hot dog." Good luck in the Bard's Hall contest.
A whimiscal collection of notes that fit several life occasions from birthdays to get better soon.
WHAT I LIKED
There is a nice variety of notes containing a wide variety of messages.
INTRODUCTION
Good use of WDC ML and graphics. The graphic sets the tone and mood of the collection. Well done.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I thought the prices were honest. I liked the whimsical expresion in the graphics. A heartfelt collection. **Reviewed for the Bard's Hall Contest, May 2014.**
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE POEM
A look at love through the seasons of the year.
WHAT I LIKED
I love the word choices. They really helped to illustrate love as it travels through the year.
STRUCTURE
This is a senryu poem, similiar to a hiaku. The senryu focus on human foibles, here, the foibles of love.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling mistakes. If anything, there might be a need for punctuation, but again, due to the form and expression, the poem speaks well without it.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Well done. The poem offers hope in the start of spring, which I think we often feel in general as spring begins. The poem is well layered. Write on!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Norman goes through the motions of his life only to be thrown a curve ball at the end of the day.
WHAT I LIKED
I liked the take on the futuristic world. Very good world building.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the third person from Norman's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's a good blend of dialogue and narration. I would suggest an edit for dialogue tags. Use only "he said" or "she replied" in tags to identify the speaker only, if you have to. Put action in a seperate sentence. Put the action first, then the dialogue.
FOR EXAMPLE, AS WRITTEN: "I would definitely like that," Elena replied as she moved a little further onto the couch.
MY SUGGESTION: Elena moved a little further onto the couch. "I would definitely like that."
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the scenes, but this is something that could be expanded on. I might suggest tapping into the 5 senses, including smell. What does the dystopian world smell like? Stale and metallic? Crisp? Flowers?
SETTING
TIME: distant future
PLACE: urban setting?
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Norman
There's enough here to understand his apprehensions. He wants more out of his life, but the City discourages it.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/puncutation mistakes. I might suggest spelling out "OK" as "okay" in manuscript writing. "OK" is good journalistic writing, but most editors want to see "okay."
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
Suggestions as mentioned above. The opening describes Norman's world, using a good economy of words. The opening doesn't linger, instead it makes the reader wonder why "The City" is the way it is, drawing the reader into the story. Write on!
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
Harley works in a slaughterhouse with a family history of mental illness. Is it just a matter of time before he goes off his rocker.
WHAT I LIKED
The setting was totally creepy and set the tone/mood for the story perfectly.
POV NARRATION/TENSE
This is told in the 3rd person limited from Harley's perspective. Good job with narration. Past tense is used appropriately.
DIALOGUE
There's enought to augment the narration.
DESCRIPTIONS
There's enough to set the story and paint vivid pictures for the readers in their minds. The whole depiction of the cows being led to their deaths was well done and totally creeped me out as a reader.
SETTING
TIME: modern day
PLACE: urban setting
This is something that is clarified for the reader.
CHARACTERS
Harley
There's enough here to understand motivations and feelings.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Using Halloween as a catalyst to set Harley was inspired. Well written. Bill, it's always a pleasure to read an item out of your port.
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE POEM
A woman recalls how she lost her one true love to war.
WHAT I LIKED
The poem is easy to read, understand, and paints a vivid picture with words. The emotion is heartfelt.
STRUCTURE
This is a free form poem with a ABCB rythme scheme.
MECHANICS
I did not spot any spelling/punctuation mistakes.
PARTING THOUGHTS/SUGGESTIONS
I have no suggestions for improvement. Very poignant and taps into emotion that every reader can feel, lonliness, sadness, full of inner courage in the face of tragedy.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.70 seconds at 10:13am on Jun 26, 2024 via server web1.
| (3.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review is based on professional editing points. It is meant to be honest, encouraging, and respectful in accordance with WDC guidelines.
THE STORY
WHAT I LIKED
WHAT I LIKED
