Dear Marvelous Melia,
Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!
This is an interesting story you have about an empty house that seems very mysterious. And once the main character decides to investigate, we find her suspicions are justified. It's a good story, but frankly, it needs a bit of editing. It seemed to me that the dialog was stilted throughout the story; the characters didn't speak the way one would in every day life. There were several things that happened in the story that would not happen in real life. Example: A police officer would not enter a house without a warrant, kicking a door in would be breaking and entering, even for him. Also, if he had done that, he wouldn't allow a civilian to come in to the house, since it would be considered a crime scene. I have noted several grammatical errors that are easily corrected, and once you edit this to your preferences (this is your story after all, I'm only offering my humble comments), it should get much better reviews.
1. What was wrong with it, why wasn't anyone interested? A semi-colon should be after it, not a comma.
2. The day came when I finally decided that I Would do a little investigating of our own She's doing the investigation, so using the word our implies someone else is going with her. Change our to my.
3. After-all, it looked like such a nice home, on the outside. you don't need a comma after home.
4. I was curious learn anything they could tell me about this mysterious house that no one wanted to rent. I was curious to learn
5. But, the car repair work was not where he made his money I imagine that it had to be from another source. You need a comma after money.
6. The dog was hungry thirsty and need of attention but no one wanted or dared to go near it because it was rather vicious towards humans. This is worded a bit clumsy. Maybe this would work for you. The dog was hungry and thirsty, in need of attention. But no one wanted or dared to go near it because it was rather vicious towards people.
7. "Oh my Lord!" was the first words out of my mouth. Replace was with were.
8. In the front window I saw the once abused dog, I hated so much, dead I almost hate to admit how much I hated that dog for fear someone might suspect me of what I was seeing.. The wording here is also a little clumsy, nor do you need two periods. Perhaps this would work for you. In the front window I saw the once abused dog I hated so much. dead. I almost hate to admit how much I hated that dog for fear someone might suspect me of what I was seeing.
9. The dog was dead. His head severed from his body both lying side-by-side on the dirty rug in the living room.. Two periods again. Saying the dog is dead is redundant, you said that in the previous sentence. If there was some space between these two sentences, it would work, but saying it twice in consecutive sentences makes it a difficult read.
10. "Yes, Maim," he said in his deep voice, I think you meant Ma'am, not Maim.
11. "Neither one of us were prepared for what we found inside the wall." You used quotation marks here, but no one is speaking. Were they looking inside the wall, or looking in a room?
12. We left the mail outside that day for fear some reporter would attack us if they knew we where home. were, not where.
13. When a house is empty one never knows what maybe lurking around the corner or in the walls. Maybe should be two words.
Overall, a very good story that just needs a little TLC in editing. Nicely done. And a Happy WDC Anniversary from me!
Sum1
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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