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Review Requests: ON
3,280 Public Reviews Given
3,328 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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1051
1051
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Kare,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 6th WDC Anniversary!

         When I started reading this, I was immediately curious as to why he would wash her brassiere (I think that's the correct spelling, not brazier, which are glowing coals). I found the rhyme and rhythm to be missing, but it didn't bother me one bit, the story is most important. Then I read the last verse, and I was hit with a ton of bricks. What an emotional, powerful ending to your poem! Well done!

Sum1
1052
1052
Review of Black Roses  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Amay,
         I know your 1 year WDC Anniversary is rapidly approaching, so I thought I better stop in and provide you with an Anniversary review!

         What an incredibly sad story of love lost before it could mature fully. Having spent my time in the military, I can appreciate everything you've written. I've been a pall bearer for a military comrade, even if he didn't die fighting an enemy of the United States. To me, this is beautifully written, bringing tears to the eyes of those who can appreciate what she went through. I do have a little feedback for you.



Title: Perfect for this story.


Description: I think you description could be longer. Tell us (the reader) why we should read this. It's your chance to sell yourself and your story, so do that!



Characters: You made Angie very real to me.


Rough spots?:
1. Following their son, Frank and Ann stood tall as military protocol dictated to the Admiral and his wife. I don't get this sentence. Something seems missing, and I can't place my finger on it.

2. Tears flooded over them as she flung herself into his arms. I know what you're saying here, but did tears flood over the two of them, or over her eyes?

3. The present, ripped away by a roadside bomb that blew off side of the humvee where he was sitting; I think you need 'the' between off and side.

Overall Impressions: A beautiful story of love and devotion, of a young man taken before his time. Well done!

Sum1
1053
1053
Review of Louis  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Mrs. Whatsit,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by for a visit. Happy 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty amusing story of life in a small southern town. Your use of 'southern slang' made it even more so. I think only a true southerner could tell if your slang is accurate or not, so I won't even try to comment on that. I could almost picture Mrs. Fangoli, Sheila, and Seraphina in my mind as I read this. And telling it from a somewhat young person's point of view was a nice touch, even if we never got to learn their relationship to Louis. I do have a little feedback for you on this.



Title: Appropriate for this story.


Description: I really think descriptions are very important, they are like the prologue in a book that gives you a little insight into what's contained in the book. Yours did well, it drew me in to read this.


Grammar: Not being from the south, I can't tell much about your southern terms, but that's fine. I should get edu-macated (*Smile*) if I want to understand terms from an area I've not lived in much.



Characters: I could see Louis, Seraphina, Mrs. Fangoli, and Sheila, but the narrator remained a mystery to me. Was that on purpose?



Rough spots?:
1. He was lucky, at that, that he only lost his legs - he still had his girlfriend, Sheila. It seems you can delete the first comma, it's not needed.


Overall Impressions: An amusing story of life, and death, in a small southern town. Well done!

Sum1
1054
1054
Review of The Tech Guy  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
BScholl,
         I am always amazed at the lack of 'tech savvy' in people. If this is a true story of your office life, you and I share a common bond. *Smile* This is nicely written, it made me smile the whole way through because I've had many of the same comments from my co-workers and friends. And like your friends, mine think I'm a magician with things, but I know different. I love the end, with the comment about 'the' look, I've seen it way too often. So I wonder, are we different? Or are we surrounded by people who don't have a clue when it comes to knowing how something works? Well done!

Sum1
1055
1055
Review of Tap the Muse  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Joy,
         I saw your suitcase on the *Cakeb* Anniversary Review *Giftb* page, and though it's 18 days early, Happy 10th WDC Anniversary!

         I still consider myself somewhat of a newbie here, I've never participated in an in & out before, having only submitted items for reviews, or entered contests. I love the idea of this, and the many responses you've received to the daily 'given word'. I may return to visit this often, since many of us have used this to request reviews. What a gold mine of stories and poems waiting for review! *Smile* I don't have any suggestions for this, other than to keep it going!

Sum1
1056
1056
Review of Apocolyptic  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*



Jpenwomen,
         I saw your suitcase on the WDC Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I have to admit, this is a very different story you have here. But I wonder, were her dreams ones of the worlds end, or her own death? It's a very interesting concept, and very interesting story. It does need a little help so it can get excellent reviews and grades in the future. I have a little feedback for you that I hope will help it get there.



Title: The title is appropriate for this, but it's misspelled. Apocalyptic is the correct spelling.


Description: Your description is good, but you could make it a little longer to entice more readers in. You have 90 characters to use, so use them to do that!



Rough spots?: You may want to do a little editing and sprucing on this story.

1. You should use writingml to help with the formatting of this story. The command { indent } (minus the spaces between the brackets and the word) at the start of each paragraph to indent the first line.

2. My eyes become heavier and y mind clouds with a mist of exhaustion. I think you meant my, not y.

3. Sadness, pain and suffering the overruling emotion. My breathing becomes quicker and shallower, my body withering in pain. You might want to add 'are' between suffering and the, it would read better. Did you mean withering? Or maybe writhing? Withering would mean their body slowly becoming less and less, whereas writhing would mean they were moving very agitated about on the bed while sleeping.

4. As many times as I’ve seen these picturing racing through my subconscious they never cease to shock me. Picturing should be pictures.

5. I see tears, lost of tears. Lots, not lost, but it would be better to say "A lot of tears."

6. Sweat sticks to my body, giving me more reason to fear, one thought clouds my mind. They’re getting worse. Somehow my always-constant visions are changing, filled with more pain and suffering then I’m used to. I think the first sentence should be two, with the second sentence remaining the second one, maybe like this. Sweat sticks to my body, giving me more reason to fear. One thought clouds my mind, they’re getting worse. Somehow my always-constant visions are changing, filled with more pain and suffering than I’m used to. Notice that then is changed to than.

7. Another fearful though creeps in to my head, the visions suddenly stopped at the end. Though should be thought, and in to should be one word.

8. The past few days since the visions changed all I can help but do it obsess over every little detail of the dream, every detail of the dream that I can remember at least. This is worded roughly, and does not read well at all. I think you meant something like this. In the days after the visions changed, all I can do is obsess over every little detail of the dream, at least every detail I can remember that is.

9. I scream in terror, the pain becoming more then I can handle. Then should be than.



Overall Impressions: A very interesting story about the end of the world, it just needs a little TLC to help it receive much better review grades.

Sum1
1057
1057
Review of I Can  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Anngel,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 4th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a really good poem you've written about things you can feel, see, or hear. I love different poetry forms, and love trying my hand at writing them. I've never heard of a 'tuanortsa' format, but do know what a palindrome is. So a tuanortsa would be like a palindrome, reading the same forwards and backwards. That would mean that the first line is the last, the second line is the next to last, and so on, until you have one line in the center. (Radar is a palindrome, the 'd' is not repeated, so there would be no need to have a center line in the poem that is repeated). I don't think you're poem meets the tuanortsa criteria as a result, because if I read it from bottom to top, it does not read the same. That doesn't mean it's not a beautiful poem, it just means it's not a true tuanortsa.

         Overall though, nicely done.

Sum1
1058
1058
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Audra,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         You had me smiling throughout this story/essay. While I'm only separated (no intention of divorcing, don't ask, there isn't enough room on all the WDC servers to explain why we're not divorcing), I can definitely relate to your description of dating now. My favorite parts were the ones about your son being appalled, and the list of before and after priorities. Well done! I hope you manage to find that Prince Charming,,, *Bigsmile*

Sum1
1059
1059
Review of February Second  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*



Amay,
Interesting poem here, repeating things, like in the movie of the same name. I think you know the answer to the last line, at least you better! I could never write something like this in 28 words, you did well in doing this. A big challenge if you ask me, I've tried the six word contest, and it's tough too. Well done though.

Sum1
1060
1060
Review of Bad Tires  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Hello there,
Forgive me, but I have trouble addressing you as 'Dumb White Guy' *Bigsmile* I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a look.

This is an interesting story about a somewhat eccentric woman who thinks she can control the world. While you didn't delve into it a lot in your story, I'm willing to bet that if she were married, her husband would be at her beck and call. You described the setting well, and it seemed as if she thought she really was in control of everything surrounding her. I also got the impression that she was of medium build (don't know why, because you didn't describe her), light brown hair that was slowly graying at the temples. Funny how things can hit you as you read something, and that's a credit to you and the images you painted without saying anything. *Smile* All in all, a nice story. I did see one thing you may want to look at.


1. and tomorrow being the twentieth, each porch would soon have its own single jack-o-lantern. You had a period before the word 'and', so this should be capitalized.
1061
1061
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Dear Sourmaniack,
         I found this on the static item page, and thought I'd give it a look over. I know how hard it can be to write something really good for the Writer's Cramp, and you've met the challenge with this. It is a good story of a lonely woman whose relationship with her husband has faded to somewhat less than a memory. I found myself feeling a bit like her, and felt a lot of sadness in reading this because of her situation. I do have a little feedback for you about it.



Title: Very nice for this story.


Description: You did nicely telling us it was written for the Writer's Cramp. But now that the contest for that date is over, you may want to move that to the story content as a prologue to the story, and tell us why we want to read this in the description. This is your chance to sell yourself, let's see you do it! *Smile*


Grammar: Very good with a couple of very minor errors.


Spelling: Very good.



Characters: You made Alex seem very real to me, I've seen hundreds of men like him, so I had a vision of him easily. Cindy wasn't so easy for me to see in my mind. Other than essentially taking care of everything around the house, we didn't get to know her very well in this. I know you had a word limit, and that may have been the reason, but now you can add more if you choose, and tell us more about her.



Rough spots?:

1. “Pass the mustard.” This line is indented more than other lines in the story that start a paragraph.

2. “It wouldn’t matter to you what I was doing as long as I dropped it to do your bidding,” Cindy thought as she filled in the wooden parts of the pirate ship with a burnt sienna crayon. “I didn’t marry you to be your slave.” When I first read this, I wasn't sure if Cindy said the first part out loud or not, then in reviewing it again, I would say she was thinking those words, not speaking them. Yet you have the second part of her thinking italicized, so it made it confusing. You may want to somehow identify which is her speaking to Alex, and which is her thinking. You used the italics again in the next paragraph, so maybe she was speaking, but it's still a little confusing.

3. Shaking her head again she dropped the empty can in the trash and returned to her chair at the table. It seems you need a comma after again, it reads like one should be there.

4. By the time the pirate ship was floating on a green sea below a brilliant blue sky, the storm had passed and he was snoring in his chair. I think it should be, "By that time,,," (Minus to quotation marks of course), but use a comma after time.

5. She loved the silky texture and the shading she could do produce with simple wax and a smooth technique. It seems you need to delete do in this sentence.


Overall Impressions: Overall, a good story that just needs a little TLC so it can get even better reviews and grade from future readers. Nicely done!

Sum1
1062
1062
Review of Reflections  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ken,
         As always, you write a beautiful poem of love. I think you excel at that, more so than when you write about other subjects. I think it's because of the special love you had for your wife. Beautifully written, flows smoothly as you read it, even if one doesn't read it out loud. Well done!

Sum1
1063
1063
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
T.E. Caminiti,
         Are you sure that you and Eric Wharton aren't brothers? He wrote an excellent essay called The Sentence Amusement Park
STATIC
3.1 The Sentence Amusement Park Open in new Window. (13+)
A playland filled with poor sentence structure.
#1090999 by Eric Wharton Author IconMail Icon
. I found that to be incredibly helpful to me in improving my writing. I love to write, but I was never very good in my English studies. I can't identify a verb, adverb, adjective, or any of their brothers in a sentence. I think I write decently well, but I let others be the judge of that. I write for me, and I'm thankful I have people on this site like you to educate me on how to properly use the English language.

         This is well written, and for me, helps me understand my language a little more, even at this somewhat late age. Thank you for writing this, every little bit helps. And believe it or not, I enjoyed reading it. Maybe it's time for me to take an English class at a local community college. Thanks again for the enjoyable read.

Sum1
1064
1064
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Nihon,
         Welcome to Writing.com, or WDC as we affectionately call it! I see you're new here, and hope you find this to be a wonderful place to improve your writing skills, and help us all do the same. After all, that's our goal isn't it? To become better writers.

         This is an interesting poem you have here. I love the images you places in my mind about the roaring dragon confined in its prison. Then you calmed the beast by introducing the power of music, very nice! If I may, I have a little feedback for you about this.



Title: Very good for this poem


Description: Your description is good, not as long as it could be, but I'm not sure it needs to be longer for this poem.


General Comments:
1. Placed there by those that hated and feared the creature.

2. These two lines start with 'Its', and just jumps out at the reader. You may want to consider changing one of these.

Its feet pounded and stomped,
Its tail swung and crushed.

3. The next two lines after the ones mentioned in comment 2 both end in 'anger'. Again, you may want to find another word to use to end one of them.



Rhyme/Rhythm: Being a free verse poem, this has little rhyme or rhythm, but then, it doesn't need it.



Overall impressions: An interesting poem about a caged dragon. I would love to see it in rhyme, and a bit longer. Maybe tell us how the dragon became imprisoned in the first place, does it ever get out, and if so, how? Overall though, nicely done!

Sum1
1065
1065
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Robert,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit.

         You know, very seldom am I at a loss for words, but this is one of those times. I really don't know what to say, this reminds me a lot of the original 'The Ring', or the Japanese version, 'Ringu'. It seems to me that an evil that one can't understand or comprehend inhabits this little girls body, and after she dies, everyone who looks in her eyes does too. I was chilled reading this, even though I had my small heater going in my room. Well written, a bit scary, very disturbing! Well done!

Sum1
1066
1066
Review of A Family Lost  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dianne,
          I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, I'm not sure what to say. What a terrible, sad story you've written here. It is well written, flows nicely. I think the only thing I would comment on, is that Sean and Janie's initial dialog about accident didn't seem 'normal'. I'm sure a lot of different things would be said, a lot more said in that phone call. Other than that, it is a very powerful story that flows from a good, loving atmosphere, to tragedy. Well done!

Sum1
1067
1067
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Lydia,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 3rd Anniversary!

         You have an interesting poem here that speaks of love in words not said, yet a sad love all the same. It is beautiful, but I'm not sure why 'kind of poem' this is. However, I do know this is a nice poem, beautiful as it is. You seemed to want to use 'Old English', but weren't sure of when, or their correct use. (I could be wrong though about that). But I do have some feedback for you.


Title: You have the title on the title line above the poem, but it is not a part of the poem. If it has a title, then the title is a part of the poem, and should be in the body of the text.


Description: I think your description does not do this justice. There is far more you could say about this poem to entice a reader in, after all, you have 92 characters you can use.



Grammar: The use of 'Old English' mixed with modern wordings made this a hard read. I'm not sure some of the words you used are part of Old English. An example would be 'shall'th' (it seems 'Shalt' would fit here instead). I'm willing to bet that if you read an old version of a King James Bible (the Ten Commandments in the book of Exodus in particular), you'd find the words you want to use in this poem.


General Comments:1. You used 'each' to start two consecutive lines, as well as 'written' (which was used three times in those two lines) and 'how'. This tends to detract from the read because it makes the reader think that you didn't have other words at your disposal to use.

2. The last verse has three lines, while the rest have two, and threw me off when I read it. If this part of the poem structure, then forgive my ignorance, and this comment please.

3. These lines are wonderful, but it's a good example of a misuse of Old English.
Does thy cry for truth?
Shall’th the words be the proof?

It seems this would fit a little better, but I'm using it only as an example.

Why doth thy cry for the truth?
Shan't my words be the proof?

Rhyme/Rhythm: The rhyme was very good, until the last verse, the rhythm varied, but fit the read nicely.



Overall impressions: A beautiful poem that just needs a bit of TLC for it to be a wonderful, emotional read.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
1068
1068
Review of The campaign  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wally,
         Welcome to WDC, I'm glad you joined! I know this is your first posting, but am hoping you'll post many more items, and enjoy this site like I have.

         This is an interesting story about a meeting in the middle of the night, on what sounds like the coldest night of the past decade. You leave the reader guessing about why this meeting is so necessary on such a night, hiding the outcome until the very end. Nicely done there! I found that because of this, it kept me reading to the end, even though it was late last night when I finally logged on. I liked this a lot, but do have a little feedback for you.


Title: I think the title is off the mark a little. True, the meeting is because a man wants to hide something hideous from his past, something he fears will cause the people of his state to not elect him governor. But to me, a more appropriate title would be 'The Meeting'.


Description: Descriptions seem to be a weak point for everyone here on WDC, my self included. It's our chance to sell our product, and I think yours does a nice job in drawing a reader in.



Characters: We got to know the main character decently well, but I would like to have known a little more. I guess it's that 'inquiring mind' thing in me. We didn't learn much about the man he was meeting though, and in a way, it's understandable, since this was about the candidate; but still, it would have been nice to know a little more about who he was meeting.



Rough spots?:
1. You tend to overuse comma's on some places. I've provided an example from the first line. "I was waiting by the side of the road as the arctic wind whipped the collars of my jacket into my ears, hard and fast, to create a frantic and painful beat." It seems the comma after ears could be deleted without affecting the read.

2. In the second paragraph you start the first two sentences with 'sure'. This seems to attract unwanted attention, at least when I read it. Maybe you could change the second one to 'of course', or something like that.

3. About halfway down it slowed to a stop with an exhaustive moan. It wasn’t going any farther on a night like tonight. I shouldn’t have come this far. But like the window, I couldn’t turn back now. This part should be with the previous paragraph since it's about the same subject.

4. “Of course” was my chilled reply. You need a comma after course in this line. The same comment applies in the next paragraph when the other man says "Of course."

5. Even if I wasn’t worried about my career then (which I wasn’t) there was no good that could every come from this behavior. I think you mean ever, not every.



Overall Impressions: This is a cute story that I think anyone can relate to. After all, we all have skeletons in our closet! *Smile*

Sum1
1069
1069
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Chickenkeeper,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I find this story to be a bit sad, you obviously love your pets/animals, and you felt a bond with this one. I find human-animal relationships to be fascinating, mainly because the average human takes the animal for granted, whereas the animal adores their human keeper (on average of course). I'm wondering if you ever proved your hypothesis about the weasel, it must have caught her while she was focused on getting a bug outside the coop or something.

         I do have a little feedback for you.

Title: Very interesting, and proper for this story.


Description: Your description is very good, it's what caused me to stop and read this.


Grammar: I noticed no errors.


Spelling: I noticed no errors.



Characters: I guess your main character was Buffy (besides yourself), you created a nice image of her in my mind.


Rough spots?:1. I would center the title on the page of the story.

2. I fed my two dogs Ivan and Anna and my cat Pia. I would think a comma after dogs and Anna would improve this line.

3. I watched one in particular-Buffy was just out of chick-hood and was a brown and black and orange-ish bird with a very sweet personality. This sentence reads a little awkward. I think it could be worded better so it would read smoother. A suggestion for it would be, "I watched one in particular,Buffy. She was a brown and black and orange-ish bird just out of chick-hood with a very sweet personality."

4. I soon grew bored of watching my birds bustle around busily eating bugs, so I went in the house again. I soon left for the store, a haircut, and gifts for my father; when I returned the mystery was revealed. You use the word soon in two consecutive lines, you might want to delete one, or reword it somehow. Your last part says 'mystery was revealed', but so far there was no mystery. I would think that before it was a 'mystery' in your mind, that you'd be shocked, saddened, and stunned. Maybe, (again, my own thoughts here), "when I returned I was shocked to see a chicken lying on the ground in the run, the rest huddled inside the coop clucking in fear, no doubt witnesses to the dastardly deed."

5. In several cases, you used a hyphen to stop one train of thought, and start another. The 'usual' thing to do is use comma's. I'm not saying it's wrong, I just found it to be different.

6. I prepare to give Buffy a funeral pyre later this evening and I wish that there was someway to prove my hypothesis that the killer was a weasel. I think you meant prepared.



Overall Impressions: Overall, a sad story of loss. Nicely written, the flow keeps the reader involved. Well done!

Sum1

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1070
1070
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Doc,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy sixth WDC Anniversary!

         I got a little chuckle out of this, I wonder if everyone has gone through something like you did. I often think of a word, then say if over and over, and wonder how it came to be. After a while, even the spelling seems off, and the word doesn't make sense. Then when I finally stop, everything comes back to normal, and all is well. It seems this happened with you and time. You did well in listing/describing the types of time (but did you forget Miller time intentionally? *Smile* I don't actually drink Miller, lol). You made this a fun read, leaving the reader with a smile on their face throughout. I do have a little feedback for you.


Title: Your title is on the top of the page, but not in the poem itself. You should add the title to the poem on the page itself, not just at the top. Myself (my opinion only), I'd have it titled as 'Time'.



Description: A description is meant to draw a reader in, a short summary that makes one want to read that particular item. While I wouldn't really call this a poem, I wouldn't call it a story either. But to be honest, I think a good description of this would be your current title. We know it's poetry by your posting, and you could add a little to the title to let us know just a tad more about it. Your current title only uses about half of what is allowed for descriptions, so you could add to it. Maybe something like, "Ah,, Excuse me, but do you have the time? An irreverent look at how we view time."



General Comments:

1. Why is Time trying to get passed me without my Noticing? I think you meant to use past, not passed in this line.

2. You can wait a Minute or an Hour or a Day or a Week or a Year I know what you're doing in this poem, but in this one line, I think you could delete all but the last 'or', and still keep the tongue-in-cheek approach you had throughout the poem.


Rhyme/Rhythm: Being free verse, this has no discernible rhythm or rhyme, nor does it need it. The flow was very good, keeping the reader going throughout.


Overall impressions: A nice comedic look at how we view time, a fun read, worth a moment of your time. (No pun intended).
Sum1
1071
1071
Review of Special Delivery  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Lianahush,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 9th WDC Anniversary!

You do have a way with words, the story you tell here is pretty compelling, pulling the reader in slowly, yet holding them gently at the same time. I loved the images you painted in my mind as I read this. While I have never been involved in a home birthing, I could almost feel myself there with them. I do have a little feedback for you. *Smile*



Title: Perfect for this story.


Description: This is a nice description, it doesn't give the story away much, yet entices one in to read. Nicely done!


Characters: I didn't see a lot of detail about characters here, but I think you focused on what you needed to, the birth of your grandson. I would have liked to see more detail about the baby, his size etc, but I can't fault you for not saying more.


Rough spots?: I saw a few things you may want to look at so this can get even better reviews from future readers.

1. The man, tall and thin lacks his usual laconic composure, he is distracted and seems overwhelmed by the situation. A comma after thin helps this sentence read smoother. I think this would be best as two sentences, the second one starting with, "He is distracted,,,"

2. The fair-haired women are the professionals - the ones in charge, ready for any development but we are all here to work together, to support each other in a ritual as old as time. A comma after development is needed, I paused at that point in the read, as if one was already there.

3. I have never hear him sing before. I'm sure you meant heard, not hear.

4. The cord that has been the physical connection between mother and child sustaining life is severed and is replaced by a stronger, invisible cord that will never be cut - the bond of family. The first part of this sentence seems clumsy, even after reading it four to five times. Maybe something like this would work for you. The life sustaining cord that has been the physical connection between mother and child is severed

5. The doorbell rings many times this Sunday afternoon, Grandma, Grandpa and Patsy, and Pardy arrive to meet Jack Melvin Trevor. You have two 'ands' in this sentence, and should delete the first one.



Overall Impressions: A wonderful story of home childbirth, naturally done, and naturally written with a nice flow to it.

And please accept a personal Happy WDC Anniversary greeting from me!

Sum1
1072
1072
Review of More About Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Sherrie,
You know, it's hard to find something to review in your port (said tongue in cheek). I love reviewing, even more so, I love reviewing something that needs it because no one else has. This one is unique because it's YOU! So I don't know how to review it, other than to say, "Thanks for sharing a part of you with us." I appreciate honesty, I try my best to live by that good ol' rule we all learned as kids, "Treat others as you would have them treat you." Thank you again for sharing yourself with us, I look forward to returning another day (when it isn't approaching midnight), and review something of yours. And of course, Happy WDC Anniversary!

Sum1
1073
1073
Review of The Streak  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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Jace,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by for a visit. Happy 3rd WDC Anniversary!

I have never streaked, but wanted to, never found the right time or place I guess. This is a really good story about your streaking experience. I loved the final critique, it was right on the money. I just don't see why that poor hapless man removed his glasses, I'm sure he'd be recognized with or without them. Very cute, pretty funny. I can see why it won the contest. Well done!

Sum1
1074
1074
Review of What's In A Name  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Sirius,
I see you're new to Writing.Com (WDC), so welcome to our world! I hope you have fun on this site, and become what I think all writers want to be, a better writer. *Smile*

I saw this on the newbie page, and thought I'd give it a look. I love stories with a twist in them, this one doesn't disappoint in that regard. I could see early on that English isn't your first language, when I visited your port, I could see that. So a lot of what I point out are not necessarily errors, just the way you see our language. The fact that anyone can write or even think in a foreign language amazes me. I do have some feedback for you about this,,,


Title: Very good for this story.


Description: This is nice, but you can do better I know. Entice the reader, tell us why we should want to read this.


Grammar: Very good, considering English isn't your native tongue. There are a few things for you to look at, detailed below.


Characters: Describe the men to us a little more. Let us get to know them. You described Mr. Bryant a bit, but we knew nothing about Frank, other than he was a detective.



Rough spots?:

1. Many of your sentences just end, no period, nothing. I saw this occurring most often at the end of dialog.

2. “It maybe possible, but there is something else you should know” This is one of the sentence I mentioned in comment #1. The period belongs inside the quotation marks.

3. “Whatever you say, Mr. Bryant, but I am telling the truth, somebody was tailing her, one time he even tried to ran her over by his car, I am surprised she didn’t tell you that” Another period missing

4. Frank took a long pause and then said “No, my job was to find out who was after her, not that who she was having an affair with” You should delete the word 'that', it is not correct where it is, and of course, add that period.

5. “Who made you detective, haven’t this thought crossed your mind that her lover might be behind that, her lover might drove her to death” Change "haven't" to "hasn't". The rest reads a bit clumsy. It might be better worded as, “Who made you a detective? Hasn’t this thought crossed your mind? Maybe her lover is behind everything, that her lover drove her to her death?”

6. You don’t wanna know who was trying to kill her” Wanna is slang for want to, you've done well in your English so far, I'd change wanna to want to.

7. love.She was a decent woman, i should have told her how much i loved her.I indeed drove her to suicide. You need a space between the sentences, the letter "I" when alone is always capitalized.

8. “But if your wife committed suicide, and this is her grave, where my Maggie is?” Where is my Maggie is a better way of wording that.

Overall Impressions: A nice mystery here, you never tell us where the other Maggie is. So, I'm left wondering if there will be a sequel.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..

Sum1
1075
1075
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Ken,
As usual, you don't disappoint. I found this to be a bit amusing with a few "Kenism's" thrown in. I do hope this isn't a true story, at least the part about losing your wife. Everything your write about is so true. Even more so if you're just 'separated', and not divorced or something like that. I've found it easier to be alone, than go through what you've described. Very nicely done!

Jim
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