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Review Requests: ON
3,161 Public Reviews Given
3,209 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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1051
1051
Review of Bobby and Beth  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Rogue Writer,
I found this on the Anniversary review page, and thought I'd give you an Anniversary Review.

You need to give yourself some credit, this isn't the worst poem I've read. *Smile* Nor is it the best. I will say, your last line made me smile, and ask a question. If she reads this, she knows about Beth, doesn't she? *Smile* I do have a few comments for you though.



Title: Your title in your port is "I'm Not Sorry", but at the top of the poem, it's Bobby and Beth. I think you should decide what you want to call it, I like Bobby and Beth, but I didn't write this, did I?


Description: I know you didn't feel confident in writing this, especially being your first poem, but give yourself some credit! You are an established writer, so you do know what you were doing, you just stretched your limits some, and did a decent job at it too. So give this a description it deserves.


General Comments: This has an almost sing-song cadence to it that makes it an easy and enjoyable read. But there are some things you might want to consider.

1. You used the word 'all' to end three consecutive lines. While I know what you were saying there, and it doesn't sound bad, you may want to consider changing one, while keeping the rhyme.
2. You mix free verse with rhyme throughout, and for this one, you may want to consider keeping it all free verse. This would alleviate your use of 'all' three times in a row.


Overall impressions: I liked this poem. It is cute because of the end, and tells a pretty sad story in reality. I think you can make this much better with a little TLC, enabling it to get the reviews you want it to. Well done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1052
1052
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Thimpin,

First and foremost, a personal Happy WDC Anniversary from me! This is a very interesting story indeed! I love the setting you put it in, within the first paragraph, you had my full attention. A story like this has been told uncounted times, and will be told again I'm sure, but I really liked this one. I could see Al in his truck with the fog all around as he drove. The images you placed in my mind while reading this were very vivid.
If I may, I do have a few comments for you.


Title: Very appropriate for this story. But was he going home, or on his way to deliver the coal? Not sure it matters, but I thought I'd ask.


Description: Your description is good, you say he is saved by a ghost, but it was really a bunch of ghosts. *Smile*


Grammar: Your use of grammar was very good throughout, with minor areas that made me pause. I suspect some of it could be due to the way you purposely had the characters talking. An example is here:

I came over here to get a load of coal and I have almost had at least five wrecks and less than an hour ago"


Spelling: I noticed one minor spelling error in this.

1. Childhood ghost stories of lonely roads and walking dead people spewed up from subterranian places in his mind. Subterranean


Characters: Your characters were very believable. I was sure the woman he gave a ride to was a ghost, but half way through the his stop at "Bob's Burger's and Dance" I realized they were the real ghosts. All very believable, all very real.


Overall Impressions: A well told ghost story that doesn't scare the reader, but makes them ask, "Could this have really happened?" Then answer their own question with a resounding, "Yes!" Well done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1053
1053
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Katwoman,

I must say, as I read this, it seemed to that Starletta was a mad woman, and your twist at the end of this story proved that true. It definitely didn't go the way I thought it might, and that's good. I could almost see this as a TV show, maybe a twilight zone episode. This story does make one wonder about people in general, and just how close to the line of insanity we all live.

General comments about this story include...

Title: This is perfect for the tale told.


Description: You description is a little weak. A story of madness yes, but you should tell us a little more about Starletta's madness, even if it means removing the part about the reason you wrote this.


Grammar: Your use was grammar was very good throughout the story.


Spelling: I noticed no spelling errors.


Rough spots?" This story flowed well, but in reading it over, I lost sight of the fact that you started the story with Eileen climbing the steps to Starletta's house. Then you repeated yourself at the end, in the third paragraph from the end. You also gave away part of it when you said, "it did not occur to her that this night would be any different than any of the ones before it." Your flashback to the phone call earlier in the evening was good, it told us why she was there at Starletta's towards the end. But if that's the case, you shouldn't have mentioned her climbing the steps in the story's opening.


Overall Impressions: A very good story that had me thinking throughout the read. The ending was a little bit of a surprise. I knew something was going to happen, but I didn't know what. Well done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1054
1054
Review of The Stillness  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
D.J.
This is a good poem that made me think a bit on it after I initially read it. For me, the part that got me most of all was the last verse. It made me think there are dark things in the night that weren't mentioned in the poem, but were left to the reader's imagination. Nicely done! I look forward to reading more of your work.

Sum1
1055
1055
Review of Petals  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Gervic,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

28 words indeed, very nice. I like the message you convey in such a short time.

Things I liked about this read: In 28 words, you managed to tell the reader about the petals or a flower and how they dance in the wind.


Suggestions for you to consider: In the first line, Petals is plural, and so is opens. One or the other needs to be singular.


Overall Impression: An item so short, so sweet, so nicely written!

Well done!

Sum1
1056
1056
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Lyn,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

You make interesting points in your story, and it makes me wonder. If a vampire bit a drunk Bubba, then he/she should be drunk too, since the alcohol is in the bloodstream, and will go directly to his/hers. Unless vampires are immune to the effects of alcohol (They don't reflect in a mirror, so maybe it doesn't). But suppose a vampire bit someone going through menopause? Would that then make them a somewhat terse vampire, with hot and cold flashes? See what ideas your story has put in my head? I did notice a couple minor things you may want to look at.

1. So why don't any of these vampires ever have to take a potty breaks? As you can see, you need to either remove the 'a', or the 's' on breaks.

2. Just thought I'd toss these thought/ruminations out and see what ya guys think! Thought should be plural.


Overall, nicely done, a very interesting read!

Sum1
1057
1057
Review of Tristful Transit  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ken,
Once again, a beautiful poem from you. Still learning here, (will be for a long time) but this form is nice to work with. I love the message in yours, especially the last few lines. Well done My Friend!

Sum1
1058
1058
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Sariah,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

This is a cute story about a snake, and his attempts to fit in with his adopted family while on vacation in Ireland. I liked the way you gave Patrick a personality all his own, it helped the story flow. It would be a good story for a young child to read, or have read to them. I can see it with pictures that explain some of the images you placed in my mind with this story. But there are times where this seemed to be a little rushed, maybe due to a word count limit. I did see a few things you may want to consider in this story.

1. Reluctantly, the parents allowed their young son, Shawn, to bring along Patrick, his gopher snake with them. You can delete the comma after son, it breaks up the read too much, and is not necessary.

2. By the time, the family had reached their room, Patrick had decided how to celebrate the upcoming holiday. Delete the first comma, it's not needed.

3. One evening, while the family slept, Patrick had escaped from his cage and made his way down to the hotel kitchen. Again, the first comma isn't needed.

4. Curry!
Knocking it over, Patrick proceeded to roll round and round in the spilled curry . He quickly returned to his cage. When I read this, it was on two separate lines. This is fine, except that the follow on line was not indented like the rest. This whole passage seems rushed. He found curry, but in what kind of container maybe? Or, he rolled around in it, then hurried back to his cage, why? I don't understand what went on here or why, and it seems that you leave the reader hanging with this whole paragraph.


5. This upset Shawn and Patrick, as well. The comma should be after Shawn, not Patrick.

Overall, a very nice story, with bit of amusement added in. Nicely done.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1059
1059
Review of Halloween Party  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Dear Sticktalker,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

I like this cute story of children at school on the night before Halloween. You did a really good job of describing the decorations of the school and the activities that had been planned, then dropped it, so it seemed. I'm willing to bet you were on a word count though, and had to keep it short. I just think there should be more about the activities, and what the kids were doing (My opinion only, not a fault in the story). I do have a couple of comments for you about it though.

1. Sagging streamers of orange and black crepe paper hung across the gym, hinged cutouts of skeletons, ghosts and witches adorned the cork-covered walls, and the movable bleachers were shoved up against the walls. This is a little long; the first part describes the gym, but the last part about the bleachers seems to be awkward. Maybe instead of "and the bleachers,,," change it to "with the bleachers,,,"

2. She was reading out loud from a book titled “Eerie Tales From The Crypt”, the beams from a battery-powered “candle” provided the only light and cast long shadows across the floor. The wording here seems off also. Maybe you could delete 'and' from "light and cast", add a comma or semi-colon, and change cast to casting. Then it would read, "She was reading out loud from a book titled “Eerie Tales From The Crypt”, the beams from a battery-powered “candle” providing the only light; casting long shadows across the floor."

Overall, a nice story that kids could (should) enjoy reading.

Sum1
1060
1060
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Cynthia,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

You say a bit about Thanksgiving in this brief poem that takes the reader to times from their youth (if they are older that is) of special days spent with families. This could be a little longer, with more description of what they share on this special day. What activities do they partake in? What, besides turkey is served, who makes it, who has the best recipe for something; you know what I mean I hope. If I may offer you a couple of comments on this, other than it's length.

1. You use the line "On this perfect holiday that we call Thanksgiving" three times in this poem. Since it only has nine lines, it makes that line very repetitive. See if you can add new lines that describe this holiday more.

2. Children play in leaves, making angles from their joy. I know you meant angels, not angles.

Overall, a nice start to a poem describing times spent with loved ones. Nicely done.

Sum1
1061
1061
Review of The Letter  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear Audra,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Being a twenty year Navy vet, there's a soft sport in my heart for almost anything to do with a military person. This is such a wonderful story, filled with a young man's love for his mother, yet all the while, he's baring his soul to her. My son just came back from a year in Afghanistan (he's in the Navy too, so was assigned to a relatively 'safe' job, but Dad still worried constantly), so I can easily relate to this story. I could see your young man lying on a bunk in a tent as he wrote this letter, coulc commiserate with his feelings about war in general. I did notice one thing you may want to look at though.

1. Somehow my mind drifting back to when I was a kid and Johnny and I would play soldier. In the context of this paragraph, I think drifted works better than drifting. Just my thought on it.

Very well done!

Sum1
1062
1062
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Dmack,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

What an interesting tale you wove here! I was wondering how you would arrange for a tiger to appear in the story, because it seemed as if one 'had' to. I liked the way you had them meet, and how she helped him overcome his fear. This is well written with a nice, natural flow to the dialog. I did see a couple of things you may want to look at though, but these are minor comments.

1. "Every now and then, I do try to go out, when I go out, I start to shake. I feel like I can't breathe, and I feel so panicky, I can't think." Use a semi-colon after out, it helps it read better.

2. He told me that he even had stopped having the dream. He told me that he had even stopped having the dream.


Overall, very well done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1063
1063
Review of Cindy  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Renate,
I think we've all been through this, a work friend moving on, leaving the job for something better. And of course, we lost touch with them eventually. I find it very sad, because something stronger than work should bind you. This is nicely written with a good flow to it. While it doesn't rhyme, nor is the rhythm consistent, it is still a cry from all of us who have lost touch with friends. Nicely Done!

Sum1
1064
1064
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Dreambeliever

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Wow, what a nice, powerful poem. I wrote something like this long ago, it's in my port, and is called, "Listen To The Silence." I love this, it tells how someone can be alone, lonely, even while surrounded by others. Like mine, the first line is repeated in each verse. Depending on the poem, it can make the writing very powerful, as it does here.

Well Done!

Sum1
1065
1065
Review of You are You  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear SonofDrogo

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

A very interesting take on a Dr. Suess theme. Your story flowed well here, one couldn't help but think of the master at this,, the good Ol' Doctor. You wrote this well, the rhyming was good, a little forced at times it seems, but still good. And while the rhythm didn't always match up well, the story did, making me forget to look for consistent meter or rhythm.

So,,, I'll just say, Very good job! I loved it!

Sum1
1066
1066
Review of I Watch Her  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Wenston,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

You know, every once in a while, you find something to read, and about all you can say is, "Wow!" I find this to be so sad, a woman who is that desperate, going on about her life as if everything is fine because she has no where else to go, or doesn't know what to do. This could be a man too, but a woman fits the scenario told here better I think. It is well written, pulls on your heart with every verse. But I do have a couple of comments for you, not criticisms or finding anything wrong with this, just comments. What I'm expressing here are my opinions only, so take them with a grain of salt please.

1. For me, capitalizing the first word in every line is normal, and good. It looks better in my eyes, seems warmer.

2. You start each verse with a rhyme, then stop rhyming all together. I know it's not always easy to rhyme, believe me I know. You don't need a perfect rhyme each time, near rhymes are good too. More importantly for me, it's the story to be told that takes precedence. You did that well here, but I'm betting you could get each line to rhyme in a scheme of your choosing.

3. The first verse has nine lines, the next two ten. Not a bad thing, but IF you chose to get the lines to rhyme, an even number of lines helps.

Overall though, this is a powerful poem with a very sad message. Thank you for the wonderful read. And please accept a Happy WDC Anniversary from me!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1067
1067
Review of Seaside Reverie  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Sam,
This is a nice free verse poem you have written, the images you created in my mind were very nice. It makes me long for the ocean again, long to feel the salt air in my face, see the sun as it sets on the horizon, only to see it rise again in the morning.

This is well written and flows well. It's hard to keep a poem going in free verse if you ask me, there's not rhyme, so the rhythm is a must for it to be good. You've done that well here.

Thank you for bringing back the memories of the ocean. Well done!

Sum1
1068
1068
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear StarGazer,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

This is a very cute story, and you're right, it would make a nice picture book. I had images forming in my mind as I read this; two bears in a boat fishing with old cane poles, two bears in a small house in the woods with the house full of everything strawberry. Now all you need, is someone who can draw well *Smile*. This is well written with a nice dialog that would keep any child, and most adult, enthralled, especially once you get the pictures added. I loved the bit at the end, where George grew to like peaches instead of strawberries. Had to smile at the idea of him getting sick over eating all that fruit. I did notice a couple of things you may want to look at.

1. Why, he loved them, so everyone else did also, he thought. You don't need a comma after also. This is a relatively short sentence, having three comma's in it makes it read rough. Three comma's in a sentence like this is like driving down a bumpy road. Two comma's, the road smooths out quite a bit.

2. Then he saw Fred, who had ate so many strawberries that he was starting to look like one himself. You should replace 'ate' with 'eaten'. 'had ate' is improper English (don't ask me about verb/adverb usage, I'm not what you'd call an 'educated writer', I'm self taught, other than the required high school courses, but I know it should be eaten, not ate. *Smile*

The end seemed a little rushed. In particular, the part where George came back in with the peaches. I got the impression he'd gone to get peaches so he could enjoy them while Fred did the same with his strawberries. But it was just dropped there, and we moved on to the next day. This is not a bad thing, just a comment on my part is all.

Overall, well done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1069
1069
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Patty,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Overall, very good advice for those who want to be a serious writer. Being one of those, I find some of this to be good and pertinent, while some of it won't help me much I think. Part of my problem is time. Working two jobs doesn't leave much time to promote myself, but right now, WDC is providing that outlet. One day, I will take that next step, and start looking for more exposure. While this is good advice to writer's, some of your statements are out of date (See comment 2 below). This is well written, a good read for anyone who wants to pursue writing seriously. I did notice a couple of things in this that you may want to look at.

1. If you answered yes to anyone of the above, then you have a good chance of attaining your dreams of becoming an author. It should be any one, not anyone.

2. First of all, publishers typically will request a copy of your files sent to them on a floppy disk. This is about ten years out of date now, most computers don't have floppy disk drives anymore. Typically you'd E-mail them a pdf file of your manuscript, and if they prefer it to be mailed, then most likely you'd burn a CD, or use a USB drive.

3. Fine, then form a subdirectory using the name of the title. It seems you should have a semi-colon after fine, not a comma.

4. Any chance you can get to write online, do it. As long as it doesn't take too much time away from your book.
It's also a free way of promoting yourself before the book is even published. Depending on windows size/width, this reads as two lines. It's also a free way,,, starts on a separate line if the window isn't wide enough, leaving a lot of space at the end of the first line. This is probably caused by WDC's writingml, but I'm not positive on that.

Overall, a nice read, one that encourages writers to seriously consider their craft.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1070
1070
Review of Hanakotoba  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Cinema Stik,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Wow, what a story you wrote here in poem format. Free flowing, little rhythm; but it draws the reader in with the power of its words. I think it's hard to write really good poetry without a rhyme, but you made it seem easy. I'm not sure what else to say, other than,,,,

Well Done!

And a personal Happy WDC Anniversary from me!



Sum1
1071
1071
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Loveletters,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

I like the idea of dialog between the creator and the people. I'm not an overly religious person, but I'd like to think that there is a supreme being who had a hand in man's creation. I like the dialog you used for the Supreme Being, but I really don't think 'man' would talk like that.

But, this needs a bit of editing, and a spell checker run through it though. Right now it is a difficult read, hard to concentrate on it due to sentences that run on and on with little or no punctuation. Here are some of the things I noticed about this.

1. I remember in the days of your pleasure you casted me far from your thougths and discarded My love has something elusive and distant. Casted should be cast. I don't understand the part about discarded my love has something,,, that line does not make sense. I think you meant as, not has, but I'm not sure. Thoughts is misspelled.

2. But while you were busying yourselves with matters of trivial and pride, I was patiently watching and hoping that I may someday and somehow fall into your lives, that you would look and find I was here and wanting. This is one of the lines that is very wordy. It is long, and quite a labor to read. The first part, dealing with trivial and pride does not read right it seems. A semi-colon after pride would help make this line read better. The word 'and' is used five times in this section. Try adding in a period or two, allowing you to get rid of those and's.

3. Easy our toll and release us from our daily burdens and You shall have a faithful nation that will keep our vows of service. Ease, not easy

4. That I do provide the your daily needs in abundance. You don't need the word 'the' in this sentence.

All in all, this is an interesting piece. If you edit it, I'd be happy to come back and review it once again, and change my grade.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
1072
1072
Review of The Shy Porcupine  
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear Barefoot Bob,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Your introduction for the story is absolutely right, this should be read to children. That doesn't mean adult shouldn't read it too. It's a wonderful story about friendship, and trusting your friends. If we had more of that, the world wouldn't be the way it is today. I liked the camaraderie that the animals had with each other, their dialog was very natural. I did see one thing that I have a question about.

“Please be careful,” her mother warned, tenderly. “Many of the other animals do not understand that our sharp quills are there to protect us from harm.” It doesn't seem that you need a comma after warned. It reads fine without a pause there.

Overall, very well done!

And please accept a personal Happy WDC Anniversary from me.

Sum1
1073
1073
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Candlev*


Dear SoCalScribe,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

I love stories with a twist; this one doesn't disappoint in that regard. I love the ending (other than them being killed of course), just fit in the story so well. This is well written, with a nice flow to it. I only have one question, mainly because I'm not sure myself. But is a comma necessary in this line?

The aptitude with which we managed to find obstacles and stumble over them was uncanny, really. When I read it, I thought it read fine without it.

Well done!

And a personal Happy WDC Anniversary from me.

Sum1
1074
1074
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Seth,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

What a special story about two people who have shared a lifetime of love. As I read this, I pictured Hume Cronin and his wife, Jessica Tandy (if you ever saw Batteries Not Included, you'll know who I mean), sitting on that bench. Throughout the story I could feel her trying to keep him focused on things, trying to keep his Alzheimer's (or whatever he had) from pulling him away. Well written, a story that pulled at the heart strings. I did notice just one thing you may want to look at, and it's actually the first paragraph.

1. Despite the cold of the bleak midwinter, the two of them, Annabelle and Gabriel, sat on the bench. It was short, barely wide enough for the two of them to sit abreast, but they enjoyed the warmth of each other, huddled close, hand in hand. It was a special place, a place where memories stayed and did not wander, even if they did over the course of the last sixty years. You used 'the two of them' twice there, over a very short span of words. You don't really need the first usage of them since you give us their names as introduction. Also, I believe you meant over to be cover, but only you know that for sure.

2. The first line of each paragraph should be indented a little. If you type { indent } (minus the spaces of course), the font is automatically indented for you.

3. He was wandering, she knew. You don't need a comma in this sentence. In the follow on sentence, you should use a semi-colon after returned.

Overall, very well done! Thank you for the enjoyable read.

Sum1
1075
1075
Review by Sum1 Is Home!
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Pd2345

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

This is a wonderful, somewhat happy, definitely sad story of having to put down a family pet. The love your family felt for him was shown throughout the story. I've gone through this a few times, but never in the fashion you did. I don't think the story itself can be told any better, but it does have a few things you may want to look at so that future reviewers will give it excellent grades. In using dialog, you need a new line/paragraph to start it, unless the person is directly responding to something previously said. There are several places in your story where this could have occurred. To help in reading (since this is read by the reader on their monitor, it is best to have an extra space between paragraphs. That just aids the reader, but is not a 'writing error' on your part. The first line of each paragraph should be indented. Using Writing.com ML (WDC ML) to help you with this. When you create or modify an item, there's a tool bar at the top that can be used to help you with things like this. On it you'll find a series of horizontal lines, with the top one having an arrow on the left. You can highlight the text of the paragraph, and click that, and it is done automatically for you. Or just type { indent } (No spaces between the word and the brackets) exactly as it appears here, and it's done. My specific comments about the story are:


1. The next morning Max had already begun to show major improvements. Like a miracle had occurred. The second sentence here is not complete. A comma after improvements would work fine, instead of a period.

2. 2:45pm rolls around, I take a deep breath, lock up my computer and head to my car. Almost always write numbers out when putting them in a story, never use 2:45 to start a sentence. I think time can be used with numbers, but not to start a sentence.

3. After deciding that losing a few minutes to stop and fill up is better than calling my wife, Nicole, for a ride I stop at a Valero and gas up. You don't need the two comma's in this line. Just one, after ride.

4. As I walked into the house, it just feels sad. You changed tense here. Things were happening, now they are happening. If your story took place in the past, and you are describing how it all happened then, keep it in the past. As I walked into the house, it just felt sad.

5. Yes son, I answered You need quotation marks around your dialog.

6. Apparently the entire neighborhoods cable set up runs through my make shift pet cemetery! This is one neighborhood, yours. As you used the word in this sentence, it implies multiple neighborhoods. Add an apostrophe, and it's fine.

7. Finally I won the battle with the weed and stomped it for extra lesson taught. The wording on this sentence seems a little off. I know what you're saying here, but it doesn't read right to me.

8. "Baby its okay. We have memories and pictures and video of him." You need an apostrophe for its. You should delete the and between memories and pictures, replace it with a comma, and add a comma after pictures.

9. “can we watch the video?” Can needs to be capitalized.

10. Quit possibly the saddest picture I’ve ever taken. Quite, not quit.

11. I attempted to explain, with locked jaw to avoid laughing, better and finally got the finality of the situation across to her, I thought. This sentence too doesn't read right. Maybe, [ I attempted to explain better, with locked jaw to avoid laughing; and finally got the finality of the situation across to her, I thought. ] (Minus the brackets of course.

12. And apparently in a vet’s office its pets that are discussed or in this case criminals, drug deals and kids! You need a comma after office.

13. “You got punk’d!” or the old school “Sike!” I considered just walking in and laughing but didn’t know what to do. Siked is Psyched.

Overall, a nice story, I did enjoy reading it.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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