\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/40
Review Requests: ON
3,285 Public Reviews Given
3,333 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 36 37 38 39 -40- 41 42 43 44 45 ... Next
976
976
Review of Give me this...  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Poet,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 5th WDC Anniversary!

         The poem is worded beautifully, expressing your love for a special someone. It is always wonderful to wake next to your love, I've always been amazed, watching them sleep so peacefully. If I may though, I have a little feedback for you on it.


Title: Very nice for this poem. But you should at least capitalize the first word in it.


Description: I know this was written for a contest, but that was three years ago. You should update this. A description should be used to pull a reader in, a lure if you will. Think of our descriptions here on WDC as that 'inside the cover page' of a book. You read it to get an idea of the book's contents. The same idea applies to our descriptions.



Rhyme/Rhythm: The rhyme scheme was good thoughout, however it varied from abab to aabb, then back to abab, then finally back to aabb once again. While this isn't necessarily wrong, it does tend to confuse, or throw off the rhythm of the read. Your rhythm varied from thirteen syllables to as low as eight or nine, again throwing off the reader a little. I'm not one who believes that every line has to be exactly the same, unless you are writing to a certain format, like a Kyrielle, but I do think having a more consistent rhythm is better.


General Comments:

1. You tell us it's a poem in your description, yet it's presented in a story format. Poetry, no matter what type it is, is usually written line by line, each line by itself. This would look a lot better if formatted properly. An example:

As the sun breaks out over the horizon distant
I awake next to an angel my true love
the rise and fall of our breathing remains consistent
watching you sleeping im reminded of a dove


This also allows you to see how it looks on the page.

2. The use of tilda's (~) to separate your lines was a little annoying to be honest.

3. watching you sleeping im reminded of a dove im should be I'm

4. Two separate lines start the same, or very close to the same, you may want to consider revising a little. "Watching you sleeping", and "Watching you sleep".



Overall impressions: A nice love poem written to the love of your life. A little minor TLC editing will make it a much stronger poem.


Sum1{/left}

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
977
977
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


WolfWalker,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I found this to be very well written, but very sad, and all too true. Your descriptions of the cottage early on rang warning bells in my mind, and I knew your vacation would be nothing like you envisioned all winter. But we all need dreams don't we? And this one carried you through the way through winter. I only hope you found a better dream the following year. *Smile* I've been around quite a bit, I know there are very few places you can go on a beach to be absolutely alone, and find peace and quiet. If you do, it's either very rocky and COLD, or in a part of the world that few want to be in for a vacation.

         Overall, very well done, thanks for the enjoyable read.



Sum1


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
978
978
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


pH,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         This is a cute take on the Red Riding Hood story, I loved the idea of the wolf going on vacation because he needed to get some rest. I was glad that you didn't go the obvious route, and have Red and the Wolf become best friends while remaining enemies. I'm not sure of the use of Australian English since I'm American, but I did notice a couple of things that I'll comment on. If they are not correct by Australian standards, then ignore them by all means.



Title: Very cute, it fit the whole idea of the story perfectly.


Description: Very good, it told me a little, but not a lot, and enticed me in to read the story.



Characters: I found both the Wolf, and Red to be endearing. Their attitudes towards each other was consistent. In a way, it was a love/hate relationship.



Rough spots?:

1. She immediately ran into her room to pick up her flower bag, and, not forgetting to kiss her mother first, rushed out of the house. I think you could delete the comma after and, it doesn't seem to be needed.

2. She danced with them all night, spending time by counting stars and listening to the turtle playing his guitar. That day Little Red Riding Hood went home very late. This seems to be contradictory. She danced with her friends all night, yet went home late that day. Was she out all night?

3. On one occasion, when she was walking deep into the forest, she thought she heard a group of bushes shook a little. It seems to me that shook should be shake.

4. Isn’t it better for you if he never had never appeared? You should delete the first never.

5. The spring breeze immediately rushed in with all its beautiful scent, but even that couldn’t take the smile off her face. Was she frowning, or smiling? It seems a spring breeze would make her smile, not remove it.



Overall Impressions: A really cute story about Red Riding Hood and her nemesis the Wolf. A love/hate relationship. Nicely done!



Sum1

** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
979
979
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Emily,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         It's not often one gets stuck in an elevator with someone you loathe. Even less often is the sudden blooming romance that occurs once she lets her anger towards Jack go a little. I do have a little feedback for you about it.



Title: Very good for this story.


Description: I liked this, it's what caused me to drop in and read it.


Grammar: There are a few homonym errors in the story, I've highlighted the sentences below.


Spelling: I noticed no errors.



Characters: We got to know Jack pretty well, but you gave us few clues about the narrator.



Rough spots?:

1. The elevator came to yet another stop on its journey down to the ground floor of the office building I worked at, letting the two passengers besides me off and one more on. Besides should not be plural.

2. (“thanks for helping me up, Jack!”) Thanks should be capitalized.

3. I fought the urge to knock the shards of that stupid little gadget out of hand. I think you let 'his' out of this sentence.

4. A couple of your paragraphs are not indented the same amount as the rest. The { indent } command works well for that (minus the spaces between the brackets and the word).

5. Thank you, captain obvious. Captain and Obvious should be capitalized, since you've given him that name in this sentence.

6. I whipped my head around to face him, trying to best not to let my bitterness towards his getting my promotion affect my temper. This is worded a little off. I think this would work well for you. I whipped my head around to face him, trying my best to not let my bitterness towards his getting my promotion affect my temper.

7. I worked hard for three years to get to wear I am: Secretary to the CEO himself. Wear should be where.

8. If it hadn’t been for the faulty emergency breaks you wouldn’t be alive right now. Breaks should be brakes. I think this is worded wrong, if the brakes had been faulty, they would have died, not been alive.



Overall Impressions: A nice story about being cooped up with someone you despise, then learned you shouldn't really despise them after all.


Sum1

** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
980
980
Review of Mourning  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Katrina,
What a fantastic poem. The picture makes the words so much more powerful.

Sum1
981
981
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Silent Tears,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 10th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem overflows with sadness, every word screams at the reader your sorrows. I hope you have found happiness since then, no one should be this unhappy all the time. If I may, I have a couple of comments for you about it.

1. When you use the letter I alone to denote you, it is always capitalized.

2. whats running thru my mind. Whats should be What's, and thru should be through.

3. I think that in a poem like this, the first word of each line should be capitalized. That is an opinion only though, I just feel it lends a better look to it is all.

3. my love is slowly dieing. Dieing should be dying.

4. You use the word 'once' three times in five lines. In a poem this short, it really stands out. You may want to see if you can find a suitable substitute for at least one of them.

Overall, a beautiful, though very sad, poem.

Sum1
982
982
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Trouble,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         I love the different forms that poetry can take, and this one is excellent! It's a variation of an acrostic poem, but what I like most, is how you told the story using the letters of the acrostic instead of having them down one side of the poem. I do have a little feedback for you.



Title: Excellent for this poem



Description: Very good, I came to read this because you said you created this style. *Smile*



Rhythm/Rhyme: It was very good throughout, but the last verse is a lot longer syllable wise than the rest. But I'm not sure how you would change this, or if you should change it.


General Comments:

1. In many places you used a upper case letters encased in quotations marks, yet in others you used lower case, or upper case, both with no quotation marks. I think this would be much stronger if you used upper case in quotation marks consistently, and made them bold so they stood out.



Overall impressions: An excellent poem with a small story wrapped within. Well done!


Sum1

** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
983
983
Review of A Christmas Story  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Imagine,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 4th WDC Anniversary!

         A little bit of the night before Christmas, and a little bit of How The Grinch Stole Christmas, mixed in to one story here. At least that's how I read it. *Smile* Why the Grinch? Well, it was the good Grinch who returned gifts after realizing what Christmas is all about in this story. The part about the "pointy eared, green scaled, devilish creature' that made me think of him. I do have a little feedback for you.



Title: Very good for this story.



Description: Very good, it's what drew me in!



General Comments:

1. A miniature dark figure layed a computer under a tree. I'm not sure, so I'll ask, layed, or laid. Either one, but I think 'placed' would be a better fit.

2. After using the word layed once, you proceeded to use the word laid four times in quick succession.

A box opened and contents laid about. Writing utensils laid about, pads of paper stacked in several piles. Brand new editions of Roget's Thesauruses laid atop, dictionaries of general, and science information appeared.

The list of writing apparatus continued to appear, several stacks neatly laid.

This just made the reading a little laborious. You may want to find suitable words to substitute for at least two of these.




Overall Impressions: An interesting, very short story, of Christmas Eve. Nicely done!



Sum1

** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
984
984
Review of HEROES  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oldwarrior,
(indent}I hope you continue to face down the demons that will haunt you the rest of your life, and win, as you have thus far. I spent my time in the service, but I never saw battle. When I was young, I was disappointed that I didn't, but now that I'm middle aged, I'm so very thankful. Those who have never fought in a true war can not conceive of the horrors you faced on a daily basis. Your story here conveys it well, but for us who have never been there, it's only words on a webpage, so we are still somewhat insulated from it. I thank you for your service, I'm glad you are still here with us, and wish you the best in everything you do.

Jim
985
985
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Dear 4Provinces,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 10th WDC Anniversary!

         I love a good satire, this one is no exception! Being a song I too love makes it extra special. As I read/sang along, I could see how you fit your parody with the original song verses. And to top it all off, the picture at the top of the poem just set the mood when I opened the page. Very well done here!



Sum1

** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
986
986
Review of The Intervention  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
Dear Summer Wind,
         I am reviewing this story at your request. I am always happy to help someone with a review, even happier to be chosen by that person as a reviewer of something they wrote. I apologize for not keeping my word, and getting to it the day I said I would.

         This is a really good story about an angel intervening at a McDonald's during a hostage situation. It is original in it's idea; I loved the idea of an angel being there when all this occurred, and of course, I'm sure this was part of a larger plan. I think one of the biggest questions I had as I read this, was why would someone with a fully automatic machine gun do this in a McDonalds? Maybe it was a small enough crowd that he felt he could control, or maybe he was just a really small time hood and couldn't imagine anything larger, or maybe he wasn't all that bad as a person (hence his second chance at the end of the story), and something had happened that caused him to snap. Either way, McDonalds seemed a strange place for this to occur. My specific comments are detailed below.



Title: Excellent for this story.


Description: First, a description should entice a reader to read your story. You have labeled your story as 'Other', which then requires you to tell us that it's a story. You state, "This story is about" in your description. That's twenty precious characters you could use to describe this. I think you should edit this a little. At the top, the third field down in the 'list' when you create an item is 'Static Item'; it is there you can select what this is. Choose short story. Now when a reader visits your port, they'll see this next to the story, and already know that it's a short story. This saves those precious twenty characters for you to use in describing it. I think this might work for you. "In a hostage crisis, an intervention occurs and Will's soul is saved from damnation." (Eighty Five characters)



Grammar: Your grammar usage was very good, I noticed no errors.



Rough spots?:

1. " Why aren't you moving?” In several places you have a space between quotation marks and the line being quoted. I've used this one as an example.

2. He cocked his head to one side and answered softly” are you addressing me?” Again that space between the quotation marks and the word, but you need a comma after softly, and 'are' should be capitalized.

3. He smoothed his white suit carefully and walked leisurely over to the place where the thug was standing and looked directly into his eyes and whispered.
“Be careful Will, you do not know who you are dealing with, and what I am capable of.”
Multiple uses of 'and' in a sentence detracts from the read. This is easily fixed, an example is, "He smoothed his white suit carefully and walked leisurely over to the the thug. Looking directly in his eyes he whispered,
“Be careful Will, you do not know who you are dealing with, or what I am capable of.”
Notice that this line also seems to have a hard return in it, making the man in white's response appears on a separate line from the rest. You may want to look at that also.

4. "My name is Median" the man answered quietly In this line here, he's not so much as answering, (he did that in the line before when he told Will he knew all about him. I would change answered to continued.

5. He had grown impatient with this ruffian. I think this could be worded a little better. The reason I say this, is how do you know he had grown impatient with him? You might want to change this to read, He seemed to have grown impatient with this ruffian.
6. “let Will down, and tell the people to get up off the floor and leave this place immediately! Let should be capitalized.

7. The people got up off the floor, as if in a trance and peacefully left the restaurant one by one as if nothing had ever happened. All through this story, you've told it from the first person point of view, but now you switch to the third person point of view. It's easy to change this, and say, "We all got up from the floor, I had no control over myself, as if I was in a trance, it seemed as if everyone else was too, for we immediately left McDonald's." But the issue is, if you peacefully left McDonald's as if nothing had ever happened, how do you know what happened afterwards when Will soul is saved? I hate to say it, but this is probably told better from a third person point of view throughout. Instead of saying "I" at the start, give yourself a name, and tell it as if you're watching it all occur. This way, you can describe what happens after everyone leaves.

8. In reading stories on line, it's better if you have a double space between your sentences. You already have a blank line between your paragraphs, another good thing to do, this extra space between sentences really helps separate them, lending itself to a more enjoyable read.



Overall Impressions: A very good story about an intervention during a hostage crisis that ends with a chance for a new start in life. Well done!



Sum1

** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
987
987
Review of Teacher's Pet  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Voxxylady,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 9th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, it's been a while since I read a story so utterly entertaining. Throughout the story, I kept shaking my head, amazed at how a child could think the things this one did. I know when I was a child, I was so bright, my daddy called me son. *Bigsmile* Okay, it's too late at night to tell jokes that bad. But this story is really cute. In a way, the boy (I'm assuming the character is a boy) from the old classic book, "The Ransom Of Red Chief." The only thing I'll comment on about this, and it's a personal preference, not a deficiency in your writing, is that the first line of each paragraph should be indented. Just me, being old fashioned. Thanks for the entertaining read!

Samuel Ulysses MacIntosh (The First)

(Sum1) *Smile*
988
988
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Dr. Taher,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 9th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty cute story about WDC in the future. I kind of liked this idea of Thinkmistress visiting everyone who was submitting an item to the site, then again, that's a scary thought in a way. *Smile* I think that projecting things into the future is very challenging, but I like the way you think it may happen. I do have a little feedback for you on it.

Title: Very original, fits this well.


Description: Very nice, it's what caused me to decide to read this.



Rough spots?:

1. You say in your introduction that it's the next millennium, yet at the end of the story, T@T_S_O_L is celebrating it's 1006th Anniversary. So your intro is 100 years, but this appears to be 1000 years in the future.

2. The 996-bit colour screen shimmered and a three-dimensional website opened out into James's room. Only 996 bit screen? We have monitors with a much higher resolution than that right now.

3. A hooded website owner calling herself the Thinkmistress*3005 glided down a red carpet and stood before James. If the name for 'Thinkmistress*3005' implies the year, then it is 1000 years in the future, but I loved the name!

4. She unravelled the cord that was wound around it and taking the end of the cord, she inserted its pin into a steel-bordered hole that was just in front of James's right ear. This line seems incongruous to me, mainly because it's 100 (or 1000) years in the future, and we're still using items that have a cord? If we have three dimensional displays, and receptor mounted near our ear, surely there would be no need for her to visit him personally? He could plug his receptor into his three dimensional display and just transmit his thoughts to the site where they are assembled into his poem, and posted for all to see. I know you're not from the U.S., so this may not apply, but unravelled should be unraveled.

4. I loved your reference to long dead authors J.K. Rowling, and the three from here on WDC. It gave the story a nice touch.



Overall Impressions: A cute story of how one man envisions life here on WDC, (ooops, T@T_S_O_L) will be sometime in the future.



Sum1

** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
989
989
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wildbill,
         I saw your story on the WDC Power Reviewers Autumn/Native American Raid page, and thought I'd drop in for a look.

         You tell quite a story here about a decision a man makes in the middle of a fight with Indians in the Old West. I liked how the Old West part was essentially a flashback. The West was quite wild in its day, things like this were common place. I often wonder how different our country would be if the white man had learned to live peacefully with the Native Americans, instead of treating them as they did. But as you said in your story, times were different then, everyone was different. I do have a little feedback for you on this, just my comments and ideas, what you choose to do is up to you of course.



Title: Very good for this story


Description: I think I would move your description to just above the title in the body of the story. I'm a firm believer in using the description to lure a reader in with a snippet about the story.



General Comments:

1. Several of your paragraphs are not indented like the others are.

2. Daddy started to interrupt, but Mother was well into her stride. He sighed and looked over at me as she roughshod over him. I think you left the word 'ran' out of this sentence.




Overall impressions: A truly sad story of life in the Old West, fighting Indians, making decisions that would haunt a man the rest of his life.


Sum1{/left}

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
990
990
Review of A VIEW ON REVIEWS  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Michael,
         Tihs is grate! Keep up teh goood werk!@!!"

         Seriously, I can't agree with you more. I cannot count how many reviews I've never gotten a reply back on, and sadly, I have to admit that early on in my time here on WDC, I didn't respond to all reviewers. It was not out of shame for a bad review (thankfully I've only gotten a few), but out of ignorance. I was 'afraid' to respond to someone who had been on WDC so long, and thus had more knowledge about writing than I do. But I quickly realized that I should respond to reviews, and have tried to respond to every one I've received. But I'm sure there are at least a couple out there that I haven't gotten to.

         I'm glad you wrote this, everyone on WDC needs to realize that responding to a review is just plain courteous. Thanks for the entertaining read.

Sum1
991
991
Review of Overnight Shift  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.0)
Snow Lake,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd stop in for a visit. Happy 7th WDC Anniversary!

         What a tale you tell here. It is sad, full of a horror most people prefer not to think about. I know the job you describe in this story is not one I would want to consider doing.

         I realize English is probably not your native tongue since you have earned degrees in both Russia and the United States. This is written nicely, but it does have a few grammatical errors, which I will detail below. But it is still a good story, one I'd recommend my friends read.


Title: Very apt for this story.


Description: Your description is pretty good, but you have room for a little more, you may want to consider saying more about the story to entice readers in. *Smile*


Grammar: Very good for someone who's native tongue is not English.



Characters: The only character we got to know in the story is you, since you tell it from a first person point of view. But we didn't learn much about you, and I think it would be nice to know a little more about a person who is willing to work a job like this.



Rough spots?:

1. You might want to consider using the indent command in writingML to indent the first line of each paragraph. All you do is type { indent } at the start of the line. But don't use a space between the brackets and the word, I had to put them there or you would have seen an indent in the line.)

2. My body becomes intimately familiar with the little love seat, its uncomfortable surfaces and unaccommodating curves. Its should be it's.

3. Usually a huge tub of this disgusting stuff is placed near the door, to enable counselors distribute the cleaning substance to the clients, while the toxic pungent smells permeate the office. You need the word 'to' between counselors and distribute.

4. Not that anybody prevents me from making it earlier – but five is morning, and the other day, and now it is still night. I think 'another' would read better than 'other' in this line, if you choose to do that, you'll want to delete the word 'the' before another. I would also use a semi-colon after 'day' then too.

5. I slowly shuffle their, stepping over toys and picture book. Their should be there, and book should be plural.

6. I peep through the blinds, and find myself looking into a men’s eyes. Men's should be man's. Men is plural for man, but man's is possessive, as it should be in this line, since you are looking into a man's eyes.

7. She needs mental help – but she has not insurance. Not should be no.

8. Betty never works nights, as she knows it, but she only calls at this hour. I would delete the word 'it' after knows, it is not needed.

9. Then I realize it id blood. I know you meant is, not id.

10. For some reason, the site of the kids brings me back to life. Site should be sight.

11. The paramedics are frequent guests in this house, and there number is programmed in every phone. This time, there should be their. There is used when you mean something like a direction. Like, "It's over there." Their is possessive, like, "Their daughter was very pretty."

12. While the coffee is percolating, I make and inspection of a large box of old Starbucks goodies donated every week, and finally choose a cranberry scone. 'And' should be 'an'



Overall Impressions: A good story that makes the reader sit back and thank the heavens that they are not in this kind of position. It pulls at the heart.


Sum1

** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
992
992
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Cat,
         I see you are relatively new to Writingdotcom, or WDC as we affectionately call it, and even newer to the Power Reviewers group, so I thought I'd drop in for a visit.

         This is well written and made me smile throughout. I'm a professional trainer by day (no, I'm not a personal trainer, if you saw my body, you'd understand) *Smile*, Okay stop, I'm not that fat! But I serve tables at night. One of my pet peeves is customer service, or more specifically, a lack thereof. I can't give you any advice on writing, you seem to write very well based on this, but I can give you advice on customer service you receive. And it's quite simple. Never accept something you didn't order. If it's not right, then send it back. That doesn't mean it will be the same every time of course, but when you order a hot cappuccino, you should get one, not milk and water, not iced, not small when you ordered large, and the price should be the same. Places like this have kids working in them of course, most at their first job. And they aren't all that well trained (again, for the most part, there are exceptions), so if you accept poor customer service, they become accustomed to giving it, because to them, it's the norm. Then one day, I might be in your neighborhood on a business trip, and stop there. <smile>

         As I said, this is nicely written, with a good dialog that flowed well. Making me smile was a plus. Continue writing! And look into fiction sometime, it's amazing what you can think of when you let your mind go.

Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
993
993
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


CeruleanSon,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd stop in for a visit. Happy 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         "Um", did I really just say that? Um? Please forgive my friend and I while we stare at you, but you look just like, Ummm, never mind, my friends will never believe me if I try to tell them.

         It is very rare that I can't think of anything to say about something I just read, but initially, all I could do was imitate a little bit of your entertaining story. You did an outstanding job in talking from fifth grade girls perspective, using lingo that a child that age would use. I loved how you made it seem as if she had a friend with her helping her with things as she 'talked to them'. But I did guess right in what Dad's guest would look like. *Smile* Very well done! Thanks for the wonderful read.

Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
994
994
Review of Opposites Attract  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Connie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 5th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a nice poem about a boy your friend is currently with. It's very good, considering you wrote it from her point of view, almost as if you were the one enamored with him. But I'm sure you put yourself in her shoes, and wrote how you would feel if the two of you were together. It rhymes very well, with a nice rhythm that keeps the reader going. I do have a little feedback for you about it.



Title: Very good for this poem.



Description: I'm a firm believer in good descriptions. We are given 90 characters to sell our product, so use them! This is a good description of why you wrote this, but what's the poem really about? Draw in readers, make them want to read this.



Grammar: There are a few things you'll want to look at grammar-wise in this poem. They are detailed below.




General Comments:

1. Then everyday with you its proven a fact. Its should be it's. As it's written, it is plural, with an apostrophe it becomes a contraction, it is, as in "Then everyday with you it is proven a fact."

2. Your just so caring and totally sweet, Another one of those grammar issues. Your should be You're.

3. I hate when were apart and your so far away, Were should be we're, and again, your should be you're.

4. Your so protective and it shows you really care, Your should be you're.

5. I feel safe and loved knowing your always there. Your should be you're

6. Now that I have you its easy for me to see, Its should be it's


General Comment: You will notice that each grammar issue I pointed out is minor. You have to keep in mind the usage of homonyms. Your is possessive, belongs to you. You're is a contraction, you are. It's not in this poem, but the same thing frequently happens with there, their, and they're.



Overall impressions: A nice love poem that tells the reader how much you love this man. Nicely done!


Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
995
995
Review of Atmospheric War  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Lauren,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 1st WDC Anniversary!

         Villanelle's are such a nice form of poetry. You have some freedom in line length as long as you follow the rhyme scheme, which you have done here. You present some nice images with your words, making this even more nice to read. My favorite verse was:

To debouch from dark the sun may try,
Yet it fails, and buried it stayed;
And the clouds will stay trapped in the sky.

         I think this poem would look nice centered on the page, but that's just a personal preference. However, in the refrain line of "The shadow of rain will not pass by", one of the refrains has 'shadows', instead of shadow.

         Overall though, nicely done!

Sum1
996
996
Review of I'm still alone  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Comfortablymad,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 9th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, this is quite a poem you have here! While I didn't particularly care for the graphic stuff (it's just not my style is all), I found the twist at the end to be really good. It flows well with a rhyme scheme of aabb throughout. I do have a few comments for you about it.



Title: Excellent for this poem


Description: Your description gives away the poem's contents when you look at it. While it is good, you might want to consider changing it some, entice the reader in by describing what goes on maybe.



Rhyme/Rhythm: Your rhythm varies line to line; I stopped once just to make sure I read it correctly. Some lines were as short as six syllables, while others were twice that length. There are places you can delete a word here or there to help out, and maybe just reword a little. But be careful not to lose the original message of your poem.



General Comments:

1. Five of your first seven lines start with I. Over half (24 of 44) of the lines in the poem start with I. This really tends to detract from the overall read.

2. Instead of 30 pills, write thirty pills. It's the same syllable wise, and more appropriate. You rarely, rarely, want to use numbers in a story or poem like that.

3. Some of your rhymes are a bit of a stretch. In particular bag/laugh and door/anymore (1 syllable vs 3 syllables makes it a stretch). The rhythm is off because of that.


4. Studing my work, never suspected Studing should be studying.

5. I closed my eyes and fired the gun I think close would work better than closed in this line. As well as fire instead of fired. You've been in the present tense throughout, but those two words are past tense.



Overall impressions: A very good poem that can make a reader shudder as they imagine the events transpiring.


Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
997
997
Review of An Ordinary Life  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Andrew,
         I found this story on the newbie page, and see you are very new to Writing.com, or WDC as we affectionately call it. Welcome! Hopefully you'll make this a second home, like so many of us have done. There are many ways to get questions answered if you like, I'll be happy to help in any way I can, should you have any.

         This is quite a story you've written, it kept my interest from the get-go. The whole idea of this adoption and coverup is very intriguing. The plot flows well, keeping the reader interested, wondering what was going to come next. I really liked it because of the plot and storyline, but it does need a bit of editing, my suggestions are detailed below.


Title: Very good for this story.



Description: Very good description, it's what drew me in to read this.



Grammar: Your grammar was good, but I noticed minor errors which are detailed below.



General Comments:

1. Tracey Williams was thrity-five years old, single. This sentence ends too abruptly. I think if you deleted the comma and added the word 'and', it would read much better. Also, thrity should be thirty.

2. She had a nice life, ordinary, a little dull now and then. Again, a sentence that just reads 'off'. Maybe something like this would work. She had a nice life; very ordinary, but a little dull now and then.

3. And, anyway, she needed a suitable man for that, and she couldn’t see any on the horizon! A sentence should rarely, very rarely, start with a conjunction. I think you could substitute the word 'Besides' for the first two words without changing the thought you had going.

4. I'm going to make a general statement here about your story, and how it's written, instead of copying and pasting more and more lines. You have a tendency to write in short sentences that change course abruptly. An example is the next sentence I would have commented on. He died five years ago, lost in the Catskills ranges, his body never found. I'm going to give you my suggestion on this whole sentence, see what you think. He had died five years ago while hiking in the Catskill mountains. He loved exploring natures wonders, often hiking alone. When he disappeared, it was no different than before. But no one knew where he had gone hiking, so his body had never been found. When you tell us a story, don't be brief, unless it's part of the mystery and you can't give away too much yet.

5. Okay, I have to point this sentence out. Her father was only a shadow since his death, looking lost and alone without his “boy”, and probably hastened his own death, through heart failure six months later. In the first part of this sentence, you use the word 'was' to describe her father, and how he had changed after David's death. but later in the sentence, we find that her father had died 6 months after David. This would probably be better worded something like this. Her father became a shadow of himself after Davide died, looking lost and alone without his “boy”, and probably hastened his own death through heart failure six months later.

6. In a few places you use one or two words as a sentence. Again, you are being way too brief here, don't be afraid to write it out and tell us more. When I see a lot of lines like this, I immediately think, "They were too lazy to type a complete sentence. Or, they didn't know what to say, so the story is incomplete." It's your story, you know what to say, so say it!

7. Feeling a slight sense of foreboding, Tracey entered the building on Forth St, and took the elevator to the 18th floor. Forth should be Fourth.

8. The offices were so palatial, so typical of a solicitors offices she mused. Not that she had ever been in one. The second usage of offices should be singular, not plural. A thought comes to mind here. If she'd never been in a Solicitor's office before, how would she know they were usually palatial?

9. When you describe something over and over, don't use the word several times. An example, "No keyboards clicking, no phones ringing, no people, no chatter, no this, no that, etc." Instead, you could say, "No keyboards clicking, phones ringing, people, or background chatter." See what I mean?

10. “It transpires that David was born as a result of an ex-marital affair within one of the more wealthy New York families,the Rochesters,” Ex should be 'extra'




Overall impressions: There is a lot more I could comment on, but it would take a lot longer than the hour spent so far writing this. It is a good story, very good. It just needs a little editing TLC so it can get better grades from future reviewers.


Sum1


*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
998
998
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I.N.K.E.D.  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Norman,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy 9th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very interesting story, but I am sure I'd be like Brian, wanting to know exactly how the thing worked and what it did. I guess my other question would be, "What good is it then? If all it can do is explain itself to me, then what good can come of it? Can it solve the world's major problems, can it create peace where war exists? Help humans learn to get along? *Smile* In fact, I'd probably have more questions than Brian. Overall though, a pretty entertaining story, very short, but well written.

         And please accept a personal warm WDC Anniversary wish from me.



Sum1

** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
999
999
Review of Bridge Mix  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Dreamin1,
         I saw your suitcase on the WDC Birthday Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy WDC Birthday and Anniversary!

         I have to say, this story left me chuckling. I think that after the mouse incident, my husband (wife for me obviously) would have a hard time getting me back in that house to eat. And I'd only eat something after one of them had tasted it too, that way I'd know it was safe. This is a cute story though, I loved the flow of it; I could see you, and knew right away you were being set up somehow. Well done here! I hope you are having a great WDC Birthday and Anniversary celebration.

Sum1
1000
1000
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


Eyestar,
         I saw your suitcase on the WDC Birthday Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in for a visit. Happy WDC Birthday and Anniversary!

         What an interesting quiz! I had to guess at well over half the questions. Some of the books/movies I have never read or seen, so that was pretty difficult. I was hoping you'd have at least one dragon from Pern, and you didn't disappoint me there. *Smile*

         Thanks for writing such an interesting quiz! A second quiz comes to mind now though. Match the dragons to the main character in the story it appears in. But if you wrote that, I think I'd have to pass on that quiz.

         Happy WDC Birthday and Anniversary!

Sum1

*Rainbowl*WDC POWER RAIDER*Rainbowr*


** Image ID #1795794 Unavailable **
1,307 Reviews *Magnify*
Page of 53 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/jim-d/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/40