Dear Prashan,
I saw this on the 'read a newbie' page, and decided to read it. And I'll be honest, I wanted to read it because of the 'misuse' of the word hours in the description. That should be 'ours'. The minute I saw your name, I knew English was your second language, and knew I'd see a few errors here and there, so I was prepared. What I wasn't prepared for, is the wonderful story of love you wrote! Your talent is easily seen, it's natural. I will try to provide you constructive feedback on this without sounding derogatory, or as if I'm saying things in it are not correct.
Title: Your title is excellent for this story.
Description: This is what made me more determined to read this story. Well done!
Grammar: I will discuss grammar issues in the area below called rough spots.
Spelling: I noticed no errors.
Characters: You made Peter very real to me, Revana was a little less real, mainly because this story is all about Peter. You might want to describe Revana a little more. Tell us how tall she is, color of her eyes maybe, what she enjoyed doing (as far as you could tell from the distance you kept), was she slender or slightly heavy set, etc.
Rough spots?: I wouldn't call these rough spots for this story. I'd call them your excellent use of English as a second language, but areas you will want to look at to further improve your use of the English language. Please keep in mind these are only suggestions, I am certainly no expert in the English language myself. 
1. Anyone would think ‘My gosh, what an evil person!’ who can blame them? You should also add the word 'and' before who. This will just help tie in the dialog to the description.
2. Peter had a target-to, someday-practice medicine as a successful doctor. It was his dream. This might be better worded as 'Peter had a dream; to work hard in his studies of medicine so he could become a successful doctor.'
3. Peter went to some extra classes apart from schooling, to get some extra knowledge to better his grades. You can delete the second use of extra. You've already told us he's going to extra classes apart from schooling, so it's obvious that he's looking for extra knowledge. Maybe this would work for you, 'Peter attended extra classes apart from schooling, to better his grades in each class.'
4. He may be a silent person, but he never was afraid to talk to the teachers, a common fear that his friends had. There were many other fears-insane fears-handed from generations to generations in the society they knew. This section reads a little clumsily to me. What you don't tell the reader here is that he was comfortable talking to the teachers because he was eager to learn, therefore he wasn't shy about being with them. He wasn't afraid of being ridiculed by them because they knew more than he did, so that made him feel safe around them. However, even though he was eager to talk to girls, they (along with the boys he knew) were his peers, people on equal footing with him, and that meant that they may tease him about things, and it was something he didn't want to face. Perhaps it would be better worded as, 'He may have been a silent person, but he never was afraid to talk to the teachers, a common fear that his friends had. but there were many other fears handed from generation to generation in the society they knew.'
5. One evening before the class starts Peter was reading some notes outside the building. His friends chatting and girls doing the same in a different place away from them. Three young girls came and joined the others. Peter noticed that one of them was much more interesting than any other girl he has ever seen. In this whole section here, you write as if it is in the present, while the rest of the story so far is written as if everything occurred in the past. Maybe this would work, 'One evening before the class started Peter was reading some notes outside the building. His male friends were nearby, chatting with each other. Girls were doing the same, yet not chatting with the boys, they stood apart from them. Three young girls came and joined the others. Peter noticed that one of them was much more interesting than any other girl he had ever seen.
6. Tall, dark eyes that matched to her dark hair which was cut in a bob cut style. Delete the word 'to' after matched.
7. Class was as interesting as ever. But for Peter it was more interesting than ever. This would be better worded as, 'Class was as interesting as ever, but for Peter it was more so.'
8. She is so charm. Charm should be charming
9. They both looked away red with shy. This too is a little clumsy, and may be better worded, 'They both looked away with red faces, a little embarrassed, obviously shy.'
10. Next week Peter waited before the class starts until she comes. The whole week he missed her face. And finally she came. He felt like a great stone blocking his veins and air supplies as she went passing him in to the classroom. He wanted to say ‘Hi’. But the fear grabbed him each time he tried. He cannot talk to her and that’s for sure. Maybe this would work here for you. 'Next week Peter waited before the class starts until she came, and finally she arrived. The whole week he had missed her face. He felt like a great stone was blocking his veins and air supplies as she passed him as she entered the classroom. He wanted to say ‘Hi’. But fear grabbed him each time he tried. He could not bring himself to talk to her.'
11. Revana on the other hand felt very uneasy as she passed him in to the classroom. She, never in her life, has smiled to a boy. But she really wanted to smile to Peter. But she too, like Peter, had no guts. This is such a nice paragraph here, you describe how Revana feels around Peter. But it may be better worded as, 'Revana on the other hand felt very uneasy as she passed him entering the classroom. She never in her life had smiled at a boy. But she really wanted to smile at Peter. But she too could not bring herself to do it.'
12. ‘What would she say if I talk to her, I wander. Will she talk to me or will she walk away? If I talk to her the other girls and boys will surely laugh at us. I can bare it but it is not good for HER’ Peter thought. This follows the previous paragraph nicely, you change the viewpoint and tell us why he can't bring himself to talk to her. And it's all because he's afraid others will laugh at the both of them, and he did not want her hurt. Wander should be wonder. Bare should be bear. Add a comma after HER.
13. He doesn’t look very much friendly. He does not have a smile. He will surely scold e if I talk to him and he will surely frown at me if I smile at him. What is this strange feeling? Why do I so much want to talk to a person that I fear? Thought Revana. This might be better worded as, 'He doesn’t look very friendly. He does not smile often, he would surely scold me if I talk to him. He may even frown at me if I smile at him. What is this strange feeling? Why do I want to talk to a person that I fear?' thought Revana.'
14. ‘He is a person who studies very hard. He does not have a place in his mind for a woman, specially a lonely girl like me.’ Change specially to especially.
I think you see the minor differences in how the story is now worded. I've not changed your story one bit, just changed a few words, or wordings here and there. I will not do the rest just to keep this a little shorter than it would be if I did comment on the rest. See if you can use the examples provided to make changes there where needed.
Overall Impressions: This is a beautiful story of love that is never realized. And that is what makes it a very sad story. Beautiful. Sad. Lovely. Sad. Very nicely done!
Sum1
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  . |
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