Dear Dean,
Please remember I am a writer who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!
This is an interesting story of your life when you were very young, working what was most likely your first job. I liked the story, I smiled when you met that young girl and dropping the anvil on your toe twice. I kept waiting for it to flow into a complete story, but it didn't seem to ever reach a conclusion. Your opening sentence is not supported by your closing lines. In opening you asked if we knew there was a job such as delivering anvils. (I'd never heard of that). Yet in closing the story, you said, "So, if you want to know what it's like to woo a girl while you are in intense pain, try dropping a 200 pound anvil on your big toe." It seems to me that a better introduction for the story (and first sentence/paragraph) would be, "Have you ever tried to woo a young girl while in intense pain? Let me tell you of my experience in doing that." Now you have an introduction of what the story is really all about (delivering anvils, dropping one on your big toe twice because a beautiful young girl distracted you), and a closing line to make it complete. But those are just my thoughts, you wrote this, and only you know what you want this story to say.
Please remember that my comments below are only suggestions, I would never try and tell you how to tell your story. I did notice a few things you may want to look at in this story:
1. Anyway, as I lifted up the heavy anvil into the trunk, Andy, watching, he said,
"Careful son.... the last two boys got hernias doing that.." You shouldn't use the multiple periods for a pause. A semi-colon or comma will work, but a semi-colon is better to give a 'longer pause'. You do this several times throughout the story (a habit I also have). Be careful starting sentences with conjunctions like And, So, Anyway etc. I would delete the word anyway. Also, since you're lifting the anvil into the trunk and he's watching, the dialog should be in the same paragraph as the sentence before. Perhaps a slightly better wording would be, As I lifted up the heavy anvil into the trunk with Andy watching, he said, "Careful son, the last two boys got hernias doing that.."
2. Making my first delivery I made it in 30 minutes so I already made an extra 50 cents so things were looking up. You use the word so twice in one line and don't need to. The line reads a bit awkward, and could be worded a little differently. Again, maybe this would work for you. My first delivery was completed in 30 minutes, so I had already made an extra 50 cents; things were looking up.
3. For the next ffew days and I only missed my deadline once, having a flat tire. This line doesn't read correctly. I think you're trying to say that over the next few days you only missed you deadline once, but (or you can use and) that was due to a flat tire. You also have an extra 'f' in few
4. One day I was thrilled that the shop, where I saw the girl, ordered another anvil. Once in a while, we start using something too often, and in this story, you've fallen in love with comma's. All that does is make the reader pause in reading when they wouldn't normally. I would delete the first comma.
5. Standing at the dock, waiting for me, my heart pounded at her sight. You should add 'She was' to the start of this sentence, and delete the first comma, change the second one to a semi-colon.
6. As she stood closer she asked if she could help, but I said,
"No...it's cinch." Again, the dialog should be in the same paragraph as the description before it.
7. As my toe throbbed with massive pain, again, tears ran down my cheeks. As my toe throbbed once again with massive pain, tears ran down my cheeks. See the difference between one line, and the other, and how they read?
8. Telling her in a calm voice, I replied,
"No... I'd rather you didn't touch it." The dialog belongs with the previous paragraph.
Overall, a nice interesting story.
Sum1
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" . |
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