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3,285 Public Reviews Given
3,333 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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1126
1126
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Patty,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Overall, very good advice for those who want to be a serious writer. Being one of those, I find some of this to be good and pertinent, while some of it won't help me much I think. Part of my problem is time. Working two jobs doesn't leave much time to promote myself, but right now, WDC is providing that outlet. One day, I will take that next step, and start looking for more exposure. While this is good advice to writer's, some of your statements are out of date (See comment 2 below). This is well written, a good read for anyone who wants to pursue writing seriously. I did notice a couple of things in this that you may want to look at.

1. If you answered yes to anyone of the above, then you have a good chance of attaining your dreams of becoming an author. It should be any one, not anyone.

2. First of all, publishers typically will request a copy of your files sent to them on a floppy disk. This is about ten years out of date now, most computers don't have floppy disk drives anymore. Typically you'd E-mail them a pdf file of your manuscript, and if they prefer it to be mailed, then most likely you'd burn a CD, or use a USB drive.

3. Fine, then form a subdirectory using the name of the title. It seems you should have a semi-colon after fine, not a comma.

4. Any chance you can get to write online, do it. As long as it doesn't take too much time away from your book.
It's also a free way of promoting yourself before the book is even published. Depending on windows size/width, this reads as two lines. It's also a free way,,, starts on a separate line if the window isn't wide enough, leaving a lot of space at the end of the first line. This is probably caused by WDC's writingml, but I'm not positive on that.

Overall, a nice read, one that encourages writers to seriously consider their craft.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
1127
1127
Review of Hanakotoba  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Cinema Stik,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Wow, what a story you wrote here in poem format. Free flowing, little rhythm; but it draws the reader in with the power of its words. I think it's hard to write really good poetry without a rhyme, but you made it seem easy. I'm not sure what else to say, other than,,,,

Well Done!

And a personal Happy WDC Anniversary from me!



Sum1
1128
1128
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Loveletters,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

I like the idea of dialog between the creator and the people. I'm not an overly religious person, but I'd like to think that there is a supreme being who had a hand in man's creation. I like the dialog you used for the Supreme Being, but I really don't think 'man' would talk like that.

But, this needs a bit of editing, and a spell checker run through it though. Right now it is a difficult read, hard to concentrate on it due to sentences that run on and on with little or no punctuation. Here are some of the things I noticed about this.

1. I remember in the days of your pleasure you casted me far from your thougths and discarded My love has something elusive and distant. Casted should be cast. I don't understand the part about discarded my love has something,,, that line does not make sense. I think you meant as, not has, but I'm not sure. Thoughts is misspelled.

2. But while you were busying yourselves with matters of trivial and pride, I was patiently watching and hoping that I may someday and somehow fall into your lives, that you would look and find I was here and wanting. This is one of the lines that is very wordy. It is long, and quite a labor to read. The first part, dealing with trivial and pride does not read right it seems. A semi-colon after pride would help make this line read better. The word 'and' is used five times in this section. Try adding in a period or two, allowing you to get rid of those and's.

3. Easy our toll and release us from our daily burdens and You shall have a faithful nation that will keep our vows of service. Ease, not easy

4. That I do provide the your daily needs in abundance. You don't need the word 'the' in this sentence.

All in all, this is an interesting piece. If you edit it, I'd be happy to come back and review it once again, and change my grade.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
1129
1129
Review of The Shy Porcupine  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Barefoot Bob,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Your introduction for the story is absolutely right, this should be read to children. That doesn't mean adult shouldn't read it too. It's a wonderful story about friendship, and trusting your friends. If we had more of that, the world wouldn't be the way it is today. I liked the camaraderie that the animals had with each other, their dialog was very natural. I did see one thing that I have a question about.

“Please be careful,” her mother warned, tenderly. “Many of the other animals do not understand that our sharp quills are there to protect us from harm.” It doesn't seem that you need a comma after warned. It reads fine without a pause there.

Overall, very well done!

And please accept a personal Happy WDC Anniversary from me.

Sum1
1130
1130
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear SoCalScribe,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

I love stories with a twist; this one doesn't disappoint in that regard. I love the ending (other than them being killed of course), just fit in the story so well. This is well written, with a nice flow to it. I only have one question, mainly because I'm not sure myself. But is a comma necessary in this line?

The aptitude with which we managed to find obstacles and stumble over them was uncanny, really. When I read it, I thought it read fine without it.

Well done!

And a personal Happy WDC Anniversary from me.

Sum1
1131
1131
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Seth,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

What a special story about two people who have shared a lifetime of love. As I read this, I pictured Hume Cronin and his wife, Jessica Tandy (if you ever saw Batteries Not Included, you'll know who I mean), sitting on that bench. Throughout the story I could feel her trying to keep him focused on things, trying to keep his Alzheimer's (or whatever he had) from pulling him away. Well written, a story that pulled at the heart strings. I did notice just one thing you may want to look at, and it's actually the first paragraph.

1. Despite the cold of the bleak midwinter, the two of them, Annabelle and Gabriel, sat on the bench. It was short, barely wide enough for the two of them to sit abreast, but they enjoyed the warmth of each other, huddled close, hand in hand. It was a special place, a place where memories stayed and did not wander, even if they did over the course of the last sixty years. You used 'the two of them' twice there, over a very short span of words. You don't really need the first usage of them since you give us their names as introduction. Also, I believe you meant over to be cover, but only you know that for sure.

2. The first line of each paragraph should be indented a little. If you type { indent } (minus the spaces of course), the font is automatically indented for you.

3. He was wandering, she knew. You don't need a comma in this sentence. In the follow on sentence, you should use a semi-colon after returned.

Overall, very well done! Thank you for the enjoyable read.

Sum1
1132
1132
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Pd2345

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

This is a wonderful, somewhat happy, definitely sad story of having to put down a family pet. The love your family felt for him was shown throughout the story. I've gone through this a few times, but never in the fashion you did. I don't think the story itself can be told any better, but it does have a few things you may want to look at so that future reviewers will give it excellent grades. In using dialog, you need a new line/paragraph to start it, unless the person is directly responding to something previously said. There are several places in your story where this could have occurred. To help in reading (since this is read by the reader on their monitor, it is best to have an extra space between paragraphs. That just aids the reader, but is not a 'writing error' on your part. The first line of each paragraph should be indented. Using Writing.com ML (WDC ML) to help you with this. When you create or modify an item, there's a tool bar at the top that can be used to help you with things like this. On it you'll find a series of horizontal lines, with the top one having an arrow on the left. You can highlight the text of the paragraph, and click that, and it is done automatically for you. Or just type { indent } (No spaces between the word and the brackets) exactly as it appears here, and it's done. My specific comments about the story are:


1. The next morning Max had already begun to show major improvements. Like a miracle had occurred. The second sentence here is not complete. A comma after improvements would work fine, instead of a period.

2. 2:45pm rolls around, I take a deep breath, lock up my computer and head to my car. Almost always write numbers out when putting them in a story, never use 2:45 to start a sentence. I think time can be used with numbers, but not to start a sentence.

3. After deciding that losing a few minutes to stop and fill up is better than calling my wife, Nicole, for a ride I stop at a Valero and gas up. You don't need the two comma's in this line. Just one, after ride.

4. As I walked into the house, it just feels sad. You changed tense here. Things were happening, now they are happening. If your story took place in the past, and you are describing how it all happened then, keep it in the past. As I walked into the house, it just felt sad.

5. Yes son, I answered You need quotation marks around your dialog.

6. Apparently the entire neighborhoods cable set up runs through my make shift pet cemetery! This is one neighborhood, yours. As you used the word in this sentence, it implies multiple neighborhoods. Add an apostrophe, and it's fine.

7. Finally I won the battle with the weed and stomped it for extra lesson taught. The wording on this sentence seems a little off. I know what you're saying here, but it doesn't read right to me.

8. "Baby its okay. We have memories and pictures and video of him." You need an apostrophe for its. You should delete the and between memories and pictures, replace it with a comma, and add a comma after pictures.

9. “can we watch the video?” Can needs to be capitalized.

10. Quit possibly the saddest picture I’ve ever taken. Quite, not quit.

11. I attempted to explain, with locked jaw to avoid laughing, better and finally got the finality of the situation across to her, I thought. This sentence too doesn't read right. Maybe, [ I attempted to explain better, with locked jaw to avoid laughing; and finally got the finality of the situation across to her, I thought. ] (Minus the brackets of course.

12. And apparently in a vet’s office its pets that are discussed or in this case criminals, drug deals and kids! You need a comma after office.

13. “You got punk’d!” or the old school “Sike!” I considered just walking in and laughing but didn’t know what to do. Siked is Psyched.

Overall, a nice story, I did enjoy reading it.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
1133
1133
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Audra,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

This is a pretty humorous story you've told here, you should look into the 'Tickle My Funny Bone' contest. I have a semi-sick sense of humor too, (or a guardian angel related to yours), anyway, I've always wanted to go to a kid dressed like that, and give a good yank on his pants, until he has the worlds biggest wedgie.

This is nicely written with a good flow to it. Your second sentence in this story is a little long, but does stay on point. I think you could add a comma to it though, as such...

About seven years ago I was doing some self-reflecting per Oprah’s advice (admittedly, maybe not one of my wisest moments), and I realized I could go around like half of the world does and feel sorry for myself for every little obstacle life throws in my way, or I could do the obvious: I can realize my life is a living cartoon and just laugh along with it.

I also saw this in the story, but I'm betting it's intentional, to reflect his type of speech, "Come on, Ms. R, ya know you ain’t got no one no smarter in yo English class then me.” As you know, then should be than.

Overall though, nicely done!

Sum1
1134
1134
Review of Storm Music  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fyn,
I'm always amazed that I like poetry, and love to write it. I'm not what I call an 'educated writer'. Never had a writing class, I just enjoy writing. I love it when a poem or story puts images in your mind, especially when it's a short one. This one does that for me. Very well written, and flows nicely. Well done!

Sum1
1135
1135
Review of Grief  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Dear Jane,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

This is a good poem about a woman's love for her departed husband. The impression I'm left with is not one of grief, but one of memory. Loving memories for someone she places on a pedestal of sorts, but a good pedestal, one well deserved. It flows nicely as a free verse poem, but what struck me was the feeling of love this person had for her husband. I did notice a few things (spellings) you may want to look at in this. My spelling comments are based on American English, so if you are from another country, please forgive my ignorance.

1. I will go on, as will your legecy. Legacy

2. Will be cherrished and summoned upon need. Cherished

3. Love your heart dispenced freely will be forever felt. Dispensed

4. In those whos lives you stirred. whose

5. I will carry on by mere momument monument

6. And shed light on what your brought to my entity. You
As you are isplaced for now, displaced

7. Until the moment of reconcilliation. reconciliation

All in all, a nice poem about a great love.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
1136
1136
Review of A Promise  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jeanie,
What a cool poem, I love it! Because of the short lines in it, I had a little trouble reading it. So i mentally made each 'sentence' a line, and read them that way, and it really helped. I do think your punctuation could be moved a little, and not change the poem at all. Example,,

An interest, then discovery.
A passion, growing silently.
To proceed with little choice;
A promise from, an inner voice.

that's how I read it, then you could put it back in it's original format, and not change it one bit. For me, it just read better then,, but it's your poem, you change it IF you want,, :)

Sum1
1137
1137
Review of Planets  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Finn,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

As I read this, I had the feeling that I'd stepped in to the middle of a much larger piece of work. It is nicely written, the plot was developed nicely, despite the short length of this. You did introduce a lot in these 175 words, and some of it needs to be expanded more to build this story. The squirms need to be described more, the idea that he'd found this 'discovery' (a mystery discovery that is not mentioned again), and Aragon, all this needs a bit more explaining to help this story grow and become complete. I did notice a couple of things you may want to look at in this:

1. Had he done the right thing sharing his discovery with the highest bidder. This sentence needs a question mark at the end of it.

2. He heard the dense air judder of the arriving craft. I am not familiar with the word judder. Shudder yes, and it would fit here, but not judder. Please let me know if I'm wrong or if this is a word you've 'made up' as part of this story. If you do use shudder, then you'll need to look at the wording, it doesn't read correctly with just shudder in it.

Overall, nicely done. I would love to read this again if you lengthen it.

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
1138
1138
Review of Birthday Surprise  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Honey,
Very good story, but I think it ends too quickly. I'm not sure about the payment part at the end, to me that was a mystery. I guess the heist part wasn't clear to me. What are they stealing? It almost lost me completely at the end, but heck, it's 10 pm, and I'm tired. I did see a couple of things you'll want to look at though. :)


1. “I don’t understand! How can someone with as much animal expertise as you be so inept?” This sentence is not indented like the rest that start a paragraph.

2. Sam nodded his greed made the plan sound foolproof. This is only part of the longer sentence, but you need a comma after nodded.


3. The magician watched his face as his makeup transformed his face into his character for the evening. You use 'his face' twice in quick succession there, can you change it?



Your Sum1
1139
1139
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Dear Xlych,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

Wow, it's been a long time since I've sat and read something I thoroughly enjoyed this much. What an interesting and unusual story! I could relate to Wilfort entirely, and even Rinky the cat. This is well written, very well written. I did happen upon one small thing you may want to take a look at though.

1. Mistress Greenrich, what can I do for you?" You left off the opening quotation marks for this line.


Very nice job, I will recommend this story to my friends!

Sum1
1140
1140
Review of Unconditional  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Jonas,
Very interesting short story here. You told this well, with a plot that flowed nicely. My favorite part is the whole thing, just the idea of a man falling in love with an Android. The one thing that may have made this a little more fun, would be to somehow hide the fact that she's an Android until the very end. All in all though, well done!

Sum1
1141
1141
Review of The Barrenesses  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Carol,
Just passed by your port tonight, and thought I'd have a look. Very nice poem here, I like the colors you used for each season; it added a nice touch. It flows nicely, with a really good rhyme scheme. So take the word pathetic off your folder title,, :) The only comment I have, is this line:

when green bud forms and grows I think it would be slightly better if you had it read, when green buds form and grow Just an opinion is all.

Overall, very nicely done!

Jim
1142
1142
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear LeWag,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

I live in the Chicago area, but am not a native of the city, I'm transplanted. This tells it like it is in a big city though, and that's how life can be in Chicago. Your rhyme and rhythm are pretty good, but there are a couple of things you may want to look at in this poem. My biggest comment is that I don't think you need a period at the end of each line, a comma will suffice on some of them.


1. Chicago use to be my dream. Since you're talking about the past, use needs to be past tense, used.

2. Corruption and greed, make the wheels turn.. I'm not sure why the two periods here, but I suspect it was just a typo.

3. Bumping elbows, waith celebrities and stars. With is misspelled.

4. :Utopia, is a long distance down the road. I'm not sure why the colon before Utopia.


All in all, nicely done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
1143
1143
Review of Lost...  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Jennifer,
Gosh I hope your world really isn't like this, because that's the world I live in. You do sound so alone in this poem, as if nothing or no one knows you are around. My world isn't quite that bad, but it's close. This is nicely written, with a good flow to it. There are several places though where your words runs together, example: standing,still,motionless.. Even though you're conveying a sense of utterless aloneness, your words should be separated normally. Other than that, nicely done!

Sum1
1144
1144
Review of Do you see me?  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Dear Jojo,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

You're absolutely right, I think everyone can relate to this. Normally I would not recommend using the same words over and over. In this case, "I wanna" works well, as well as saying "I" over and over. However, I think the last line would be much more powerful if you broke from that, and made it different. It would make it stand out more.

I want someone to see me,,,, know me,,,, love me,,,, just for being me.

I've been told several times here on WDC to never use more than 4 ellipses or periods to stress a point, but I've not read that anywhere. (But then, I'm not what I call an 'educated' writer either, I just write. *Smile*)

Well done!

Sum1
1145
1145
Review of A Day on the Farm  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Wally,
Interesting take on farm life, I like the roosters point of view, and the talking amongst themselves. I know your intent was to focus on just the four roosters, but I'm left wondering about 'Skippy'; and his fate. Was he a new young rooster, and the other four older, thus expendable, since they all met their fate that day? Just me wondering is all.

All in all, nicely done!

Sum1
1146
1146
Review of He Sits  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Marnts,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

You know, when I first started reading this, I thought you were writing about a statue on a park bench. Then I came to the part about him being gone late at night, and I realized he was (is) a real person. This is well written, with a few minor things you may want to look at.

1. He sits, alone, every day, at the same park bench. I think it would be better worded if he was sitting 'on' the same park bench.

2. I don’t think that anyone other than him knows why. I may be wrong, but to me, the word he reads better than him.

3. His suits are warn, and his shoes, though fully put together, show the wear of one who has tracked many miles to reach his final destination. I think you meant to use worn, not warn.

4. We can only pray that, someday, he finds what he is looking for You only need one comma in this sentence, the one after someday.

Overall, very nicely done!

Sum1

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
1147
1147
Review of Renee's Song  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Clint,
My goodness, what can I say! I've written (and love to write) story poems, but this one is fantastic! While the rhythm isn't always up to task, the story is much more important, so in my eyes, the rhythm can just go,,, well, you know. *Smile* Well done!

Sum1
1148
1148
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear April,

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

The idea of dinner with a klutz is cute, and him falling over his own feet just adds to the humor in this story. You write nicely, but you tend to confuse your use of tense, as in past tense, and present tense. There are many places where this would happen. An example is the line about the clang of what had been advertised as an orchestra; yet in the next line the incessant noise causing her nerve endings to quiver. If it was advertised as an orchestra, then the incessant noise caused her nerve endings to quiver. There were other grammatical errors that I've noted below. I think a little more of an introduction would help this story greatly.

1. A trickle of a few drops of water was all she could get from the tap; when trying to rinse the red wine from the dress ----- You need a period at the end of every sentence. This occurred in several places throughout the story. This sentence is also worded poorly. Maybe a better wording would be something like, "She was trying to rinse the red wine from her dress, but all she could get was a small trickle of a few drops of water from the tap.

2. Moving to the veranda she stood wondering what the hell she was thinking, when she agreed to come for dinner. You should have a comma after veranda, but not after thinking.

3. The incessant noise causing her nerve endings to quiver A period is needed to end this sentence, and as I noted above, it should be caused, not causing.

4. She could almost feel the swelling of the glands in her neck and a migraine was starting to loom You should delete 'was' after migraine, it is not needed.

5. There were the remnants of the wine bottle strewn across the floor
Glass splinters sparkling like diamonds beckoning her bare feet
A table; which has so beautifully been set, now resting on its side.
Dishes, cutlery now forming a new design on the tiled floor. This whole section almost looks like a poem. One line is missing a period to close it. The third line reads pretty rough. Perhaps better wording would be, "A table which had been so beautifully set, now rested on it's side." Throughout this part of the story, you confuse the tense use. There were remnants of the wine bottle strewn (past tense), yet glass splinters sparkling like diamonds beckoning to her feet, (present tense). It just makes the reader a little confused, and may eventually cause them to leave without completing your story.

6. Stepping over the various objects and having left a well placed shoe imprint on his back. This sentence is incomplete. She has stepped over various objects and left a well placed shoe imprint on his back. Now, complete the sentence; what did she do, where did she go?

7. She picked up her bag and not wasting time she left; She had survived dinner with a klutz. Again, the wording here is rough. Maybe something like, "She picked up her bag and wasted no time in leaving; She had survived dinner with a klutz.

Overall, a cute story.

Sum1

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Review of The Four Men  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Laughingman

Please remember I am a writer, who, like yourself, is also reviewed by his peers; therefore, I know what it feels like! I have only my humble opinion to offer; please take what you feel is helpful and disregard the rest. Only YOU know what is right for your writing!

What a nice poem here, told almost in a sing song format, or maybe it's from a child's point of view. Either way, it's very cute, and so true. It's a shame that people act this way, afraid to be the first to 'let go'. This is well written with a nice rhyming scheme. While the rhythm wasn't always consistent, the sing-song quality of it remained, and allowed me to overlook that small part. I did see one thing you may want to look at in this.

1. "Yellow man, drop you gun I think you meant your, not you.


Overall, very well done!

Sum1

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Review of Ask For Help  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Louise,
Such a sad poem you have here. It is nicely written, with a good flow to it. The story told is what makes this so powerful though. If I were to offer a suggestion, it would be to center this on the page, and since the first two verses are four lines long, then the last should be. However, I don't think you should delete any lines, so I'd add a couple, and end up with two additional four line verses. Nicely done!

Sum1
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