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Review Requests: ON
3,276 Public Reviews Given
3,324 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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901
901
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Edgework,
         I saw you suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I think most, if not all of us have gotten a review like this. What I've always hated, is getting a 1.0 rating on a piece with no comments, and no idea who gave it since it was just a rating. I do have a couple of comments for you on this though, believe it or not.

1. You deceive the reader about this from the start. I expected to read a review you received that was well done; something I could look at and emulate in future reviews, maybe this one as well. Instead I see a review that all of us have gotten at one time or another. But at least this anonymous person let you a few comments.

2. I think it would be good to link the item that received this review, and leave it as it was when this review was received (if you ended up editing it, then maybe save it under a slightly different name). That way, those of us who come by at this later date can click to follow the link, and maybe do a second review in the process to counteract this 'vile' act.





Sum1

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902
902
Review of Decision  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey MD Maurice,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I am glad that I can't relate to this story in that I've never gotten violent with someone I love. It's very sad when a relationship deteriorates to something like this, physical violence between two who are supposed to love each other is something I just don't understand I guess. Poor Riley didn't know what to make of this argument, but when you were injured slightly, it knew just what to do. You started this with a bang, and it ends suddenly, like the reader came to a cliff, and had no where to go. I do have a little feedback for you on it.



Title:  Very good for this story



Description:  Very good, it was your description that caused me to read this. *Smile*



Grammar:  I noticed only one small typo, listed under general comments.




General Comments:  

1. The story is too short! I know it is flash fiction and has a word limit, but it ends far too abruptly with little explanation on what caused this confrontation. If this was a contest entry, I'm sure the contest is over now, so you may want to explain more. Also, I'm not sure a woman would tell a man that he has a decision to make after this just happened, the women I've known would throw the man out, at least for the rest of that day, maybe longer. They may get back together, but not at this point.

2. Riley stepped protectively between us and barred her teeth. Barred should be bared.

3. Riley, its okay girl.” You coaxed, your voice eliciteda volley of barking and snarling. You need a space between elicited, and a.




Overall impressions:  A good story about an argument between a couple that gets out of hand suddenly, and the decision by their dog that affects the future.


Sum1

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903
903
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Brenpoet,
         I thought I'd browse your port a little more, and read something else of yours. This one caught my eye, I was intrigued by your title and description, and after reading this, I wasn't disappointed. I love your analogies of youth compared to a rose in bloom with this poem. And this is what makes this poem so beautiful, comparing youthful beauty to Mother Nature's beauty. Nicely done!




Sum1

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904
904
Review of Naked Santa  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Hey Steve,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         I know I'm a month late in this review (not for your anniversary, but for Christmas), but I had to read this one. I found the whole poem very cute, the flow was smooth and even throughout. I also liked the characters you chose to use; Tiny Tim, Huck Finn, Tom Sawyer, but I'm not sure who Bobby was. *Smile* I have two comments for you on it.

1. I would center the image and the poem on the page.

2. You start the poem with the Outside on the lawn there arose such a clatter,, but where's the first verse? Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the village, no one was about, trying pillage. The boys and I had settled down to drink, watching the TV, trying not to think. (Okay, I'm kidding, but I did miss the first verse from the original poem).

         Overall, an enjoyable read, it is a good parody of a Christmas classic.




Sum1

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905
905
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Dear Astrotex,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         It is rare that a poem strikes me like this one did. Overall, I found this to be wonderful. I loved the flow, I felt like I was sitting around a fire, listening to a Native American elder tell a story. I hate to comment, or seem to critique something like this, but I have to say that there are a few things that detracted from the read for me.

1. The second verse, with it's repetitive use of 'Through the' in each line almost caused me to not finish reading it. I know what you're doing there, and I don't have a suggestion to improve, but using the same two words back to back in each line can really stop a reader.

2. Later on in the poem, there are places where you used the same word several times in a verse (seventh verse, justice and mercy/mercies), and the tenth verse where you started three of the four lines with 'let'. Again, I'm not sure of how you might improve this (nor if it should be improved), but in each case, the repetitive words made me pause. That may have been your intent, make the reader think about things, but it some case, it may turn them away. A risk, but one I'm sure you've probably considered.

Overall though, a wonderful, pleasurable read. Well done!



Sum1

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906
906
Review of Entry: Oopsie.  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Dear Robin,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 9th WDC Anniversary!

         I read this with a bit of amusement, and have often wondered why women go through such efforts to look beautiful. For the most part, I think women are beautiful just as they are. *Smile* For me, the whole story was cute, well written, but my favorite line was the one about your car shaking when you top 85. For some reason, that little part hit my funny bone just right. I did see one thing you may want to look at in this.

1. I sinched the insufficiant covering tighter over my chest and tried to pull the bottom edge lower to hide the cellulite on my thighs. Sinched should be cinched, and insufficiant should be insufficient.

         But it was a fun read, a pretty amusing read. Well done.




Sum1

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907
907
Review of The Cowboy  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Cowgirl Cat,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your first WDC Anniversary!

         I don't know why you call this a story, it reads like a poem! There are parts that are a little off, but overall, a nice poem. Off in rhythm or rhyme, but a little minor editing would fix that. *Smile* I could see this as a children's book too, but then I know you do too. I hope you find someone to help you with that. Well done!




Sum1

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908
908
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Dear Redtowrite,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         Man am I glad I stopped by, this story is stunning! I have been very fortunate in my life, I've never used drugs of any type, other than the 'life sustaining ones' I take daily right now (and will the rest of my life; you know, Lipitor, Plavix, etc), so I find it hard to relate to this story. This reads like it was written from person experience, or at least someone with a knowledge of subjects like this; if so, I really hope you are still living the clean life. I won't try to review or critique it, nor offer things that need improving, it's fine as it is. Thank you so much for allowing me the honor of reading your story, and opening my eyes to how good I really have it, no matter what comes my way health wise. BRAVOto you for this story!



A very humbled ... Sum1

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909
909
Review of Green Thumb  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Jonas,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         This is a really good horror story here, the idea of plants being placed in a live human to grow is pretty gruesome. You painted a nice picture of the house, and the gardener who tended the plants. It flowed well and kept me reading. I do think it flowed too quickly, but you may have written this for a contest and been on a word limit. But I think you could lengthen this some, build the suspense a bit more, maybe build the gardener's character a little bit. All in all though, very nicely done!



Sum1

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910
910
Review of The Scream  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Legerdemain,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         The images your item created in my mind as I read this were crystal clear. I could have sworn that I'd been there, someone pulling in front of me as I drove down the street. Fortunately, it was never quite that close, never quite this bad, but still, it seems I'd been there. Maybe it was just your words that caused that to happen, created that scene in my mind, brought it all home. Nicely done!




Sum1

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911
911
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Historyluver,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, Miera had quite a bit of hatred towards her parents in her heart, how sad. You wrote this pretty well, keeping the suspense there a bit. I found myself wondering if by chance her parents had moved from the house, and she was burning the wrong one. The trunk of her car was full of bottles of lighter fluid, I wondered how she managed to carry them all to the house. I'm sure she had a bag, but it seems there might have been a chance of them breaking as she walked. (Just curious). I do have a little feedback for you on this.




Title:  Good for this story, it fit well.



Description:  Very good, it's what drew me in to read this.




My Favorite Part:  Finding out that at least she was exacting revenge against the right house, even though I did find that very sad.





General Comments:  

1. Miera reached into the trunk of her car, pulled out the arsenal of lighter fluid, and walked methodically to the front door of the house. You told us she parked a few blocks away from the house, yet she 'walked methodically to the front door of the house'. This could have been dangerous, someone might have seen her, then of course, she might not have cared about that either. But I would think that saying, "She walked methodically towards the house, finally arriving on the porch in front of the door.", or something like that.

2. In the very pocket of her jacket was a box of matches. Miera never intended for anything to get this far, but it was too late to turn back now, she was already within a few more miles of her parent’s dream house. This is worded a little awkwardly it seems. I think you could delete the word 'very', as well as the word 'more'. It would read better without them I think.



Overall impressions:  A very sad story, this poor girl felt she needed revenge against her parents. She must have had quite an unhappy childhood.


Sum1

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912
912
Review of Knotted  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear BurntPoet,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         Your poem is heartbreaking. You describe so well the pain and anguish your wife went through fighting cancer. Your single word between two sentences really stood out, bringing all this home even harder. I truly hope she conquered the illness. Very well done, impressive, especially for such a short poem.



Sum1

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913
913
Review of One  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Itchy Water,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         I 'discovered' Fibonacci poems a while back, and fell in love with the idea of writing them. I think the sequencing of the syllables makes this a bit challenging, but a fun write all the same. Yours is very good, I love the message your tell us in this. One is lonely, single, yet so powerful. The one comment I have on this, is that the last line should have a semi-colon after survive. To me, it reads better if one is there, but then, that's just me. *Smile* Very well done!




Sum1

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914
914
Review of Why Thoughts?  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear MyLyn,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         This is just beautiful. I think we've all been there with the ghosts of our past, you describe it so well in very few words. I do have to say that I'm not sure of the wording in the third line of the first verse. I know what you're trying to say, but that line is very wordy for such a short poem. Not only is it wordy, it has 10 syllables in it, 2-3 more than the rest of the lines. All in all though, it's still beautiful, well done!




Sum1

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915
915
Review of Turtle Evolution  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Utopian,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very cute poem about how the turtle got it's shell. In middle verses it flowed very smoothly, but the first and last two verses were a bit of a reach in both rhythm and rhyme. Read it aloud and you'll see, as well as feel, how the second through fifth verse read smoothly, the words flowing off your lips. But the other three verse are not near as smooth.

         A few of your rhymes are not perfect, usually fine by me since I'm never one who feels that rhymes must be perfect. But some are a little bit of a reach, mainly because of syllable count in the word. Words like escaping/footing, night/felines, comrades/plates. There are more, but you get the idea.

         As a side note, I don't think eagles were around 30 million years ago, probably not lions nor elephants also. Still, it's a cute poem. One last thing. The ending is a little off, they fall on rocks (wouldn't that alone hurt them severely?), but the next morning they have stony plates on their backs? Doesn't seem to fit the rest of it.




Sum1

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916
916
Review of Dear Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Kay,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop in to honor this fine occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         This is an interesting list of goals you set for yourself four years ago. How did it all go? Believe it or not, the one I'm really interested in knowing about, is the last one. Did you give yourself room to fail, did you allow yourself to soar, flop, dive, climb to new heights, achieve that which you've never done before because this year (four years ago), you weren't afraid of the possibility. I also really hope you've written more than before, even short things. I find doing reviews inspires me, I find something new to write about. I have little time, but I write more today than I ever have before. I hope you have too.



Title:  Excellent for this



Description:  Very good, it teases a reader, makes them wonder what you wrote to yourself.



Grammar:  Very good




My Favorite Part:  What can I say? The last goal, to not be afraid of failure.





General Comments:  

1. I chose this forum over any others hoping the words I write to you here would have a bit more permanency and therefore more impact. It seems you need a comma after permanency.

2. It holds the keys to who you are now and to whom you will become, but it’s only a framework. This may be me, but this seems to read a little awkwardly. The part, the keys to who you are now and to whom you will become is off; I don't think 'to whom' is correct. To me, that second 'to' should be deleted.




Overall impressions:  Very nice goals! I hope you reached most, if not all.


Sum1

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917
917
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Leger,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and knew I had to drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         Wow, what a nightmare! I'm glad I've never had one quite like this. Your description of the road, the overhanging trees and complete lack of light (other than your car's headlights) made me shudder a little inside. I think I'd be seeing shapes in those branches above me as I drove. I think that last part, the head of the deer becoming a man's head is the scariest part. But then, that's how nightmares are, aren't they? Nicely done here; I drive at night on a highway frequently, hitting a deer is one of my biggest fears. Now that fear will be a bit bigger. *Rolleyes*




Sum1

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918
918
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Confused,
         This is very cute, but if you're really a Dr. Seuss fan, then you need to break it up like he would. If I may make a suggestion for it...

If the cat goes “meow”,

the dog goes “woof”,

and the lamb goes “baaa!”


What if by chance,

the dog went “baaa”,

the cat went “woof”,

the lamb went “meow”?

What would happen then?

Would the goldfish turn purple,

the llama turn green?

Would up be down,

and change everything?


I just centered it on the page, and made each small question a line of its own. Your poem is cute, good enough to make a children's book out of it if you can find an artist who can draw you some pictures of what you're describing here! *Smile* Well done!




Sum1

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919
919
Review of The Master  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Winterlady,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         I like this idea of your poem here, it speaks volumes in a very short space. I think it could say so much more too though. First, what I liked.

What you say with few words. There's no need to be verbose and tell the reader everything. That's what I love about this poem.

What I think could be edited to make this a bit better.

Having a different number of lines in the verses throws the reader off. You have 13 lines that could be 12, or 16 if you wanted to add to this, so use four lines per verse (A Quatrain).

Make each line complete so it reads well. An example is these two:

All winter long he touched
me hand to hand.

I know what you're saying here, but it reads a little off since 'me' starts the second line. I also don't understand what you mean by he touched me hand to hand. Those words just don't go well together. But I'm not really sure what you really intend to say here, so I won't conjecture. But how about ...

All winter long he touched me,
lightly, lovingly, everywhere,
Our hearts united as one

That's just a guess on my part as far as what you intended to say. I don't want to presume, but wanted to try and give you an idea is all.

         If you do choose to edit this, please let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and re-rate/re-review for you.



Sum1

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920
920
Review of The Rose  Open in new Window.
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Dear Mari,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I've never written, nor read, a Clarity Pyramid before, but yours fits the requirements very well. Every word fits where needed, describing the Rose nicely while using the words/syllables required by this form (Thank you for including the form requirements so this ignorant one can appreciate how difficult this must have been to write). Very nicely done!




Sum1

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921
921
Review by Sum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
Charlie,
         I saw this on the static page and thought I'd give it a read/review. You have a very nice story here, almost like Puff The Magic Dragon, which I loved. You tell this well, I found myself almost in a rhythm, but then a line would appear, and the rhythm of it would be totally different. This is a story written in a poem type form really, that's why I seemed to fall into a rhythm reading it. I did a little counting, and found some lines were about 13-14 syllables long, but would then be followed by a line 7-8 syllables long. If you could make them all somewhat close to the same syllable count, this would read a lot smoother, and be a much stronger story/poem. Here's a few comments for you on it.



Title:  Very good for this story, fits it well.



Description:  To me, your description could be placed right above the main story line. Write something that will hook a reader. Make them WANT to drop in and read this. An example would be, "The adventures of Claude, a toy firetruck, and their boy growing up." That's about 70 of the 90 characters we're allotted to describe our items on WDC. *Smile*



Grammar:  I noticed no errors.




My Favorite Part:  The whole story, you wove this well.





General Comments:  

1. Since this is formatted in a poem format, the reader tries to get into a rhythm. If you can edit this a bit and make it a little more even, it will read much better.

2. You might consider making this a 'quatrain', four lines to a verse. See what you think on that idea.

3. In some places you have a period to end a line/sentence, but the next one seems to carry on with the previous line. An example is,

"So Claude started living in the tree house tree,

fun filled days seemed to be with out end.

For Claude, the boy, and a fire truck toy,

and some serious games of pretend.

Now let's take it out of it's current format, and see how it looks and reads.

So Claude started living in the tree house tree, fun filled days seemed to be with out end. For Claude, the boy, and a fire truck toy, and some serious games of pretend.

What you see is a sentence that isn't complete, "For Claude, the boy, and a fire truck toy, and some serious games of pretend."

This is very minor really, but read it aloud, pausing at comma's and ending at period's. See what you think before you make any edits. This is your story, you know how you want it to read.

4. If you want this to read like a poem, look at your rhyming. Some are excellent and read well, others are almost non-existent. Again, your choice. *Smile*




Overall impressions:  All in all, a very enjoyable read of a young boy's adventures with two of his toys.


Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Kimarie,
         I saw this on the static item page, and thought I'd give it a read/review, and I'm glad I did. I love your sense of humor in this! And I have to say, I agree wholeheartedly with you on it. This flows well, and despite being short, I think if it was much longer, you'd lose a reader quickly. I don't think you have too much to worry about concerning your Native American name. It should be 'she who walks through the forest without leaving a sound'. *Smile* (Don't ask where that came from, it popped in my head) Well done here!



Sum1

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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer Break" Open in new Window.*Candlev*


Sharkdaddy,
         I found your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary! Happy Anniversary and Merry Christmas....

         I remember this prompt in the contest, your Nonet poem fits the image very nicely. The story it tells fits in well too, I love the idea of going home at last. The image brings this to the forefront. Your poem sounds like a person returning home after life's journey, maybe for the last time before they are called to the next life. Well done!

Sum1
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Dear Beck,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this special occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I found this to be a cute essay about shopping in a grocery store. You used some wonderful analogies in it to bring your points home. I loved the traffic one! Your rules made the story if you ask me, more people (not just men, I've seen women who don't obey the rules too!) need to read this. They would learn a few things, as well as smiling the entire time. I do have a few comments for you on it.



Title:  Excellent for this essay.



Description:  Excellent, it's what caused me to decide this needed to be read.



Grammar:  Very good.




My Favorite Part:  The tips you gave men regarding helping women when they were standing in the way of something they wanted off a shelf.





General Comments:  

1. These could not be the cause. These should be this.

2. Now, I do my meat shopping at a local meat market, but for my other shopping I turn straight the Retail Devil himself (Wal-Mart). I think you left 'to' out of this line, between straight and the.

3. They may sprint out of nowhere or reach seemingly across the entire aisle toward these items, but, if you run into or over one, you are 100% at fault. I think a semi-colon after items would work a little better than a comma.

4. If you are truly contemplating a difficult purchase (something more than a can of peas) and are approached by a woman who obviously wants some of the product you are standing in front of 1) say excuse me 2) ask her if you can get something for her, or move your cart back out of her way (this is one of the only times it is acceptable to move backward on the city street) 3) Now, PAY ATTENTION! If this woman asks you for a certain product, watch what she gets. My, this is a wordy sentence, it's a whole story on its own! (Kidding). Part of what makes this so long, is the three pointers you give in it. If you make these pointers bullets, each no a separate line, it would help this part out immensely.

5. If you feel battles like this must take place (even though ithey shouldn’t), take them to the only safe place to wage war. You can see the misplaced i in the word they.


Overall impressions: A very cute essay on the perils of shopping in today's world. Nicely written, made me smile the whole time.


Sum1

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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
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Dear Daphne,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by in honor of this occasion, your 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I have to say, I found this to be an interesting story. But, it seemed to start in the middle, which is fine because you tied that part up later on. But the ending really left me hanging, at least in my opinion. It's a good story, I love the idea of it, but I just felt a little cheated at the end. Maybe them confronting their mother would help. I'll give you a couple of specific comments below.



Title:  Perfect for this story



Description:  Very good for this, but you have an extra 'is' in the wording of it.



Grammar:  I noticed no errors.




My Favorite Part:  Jillian's alarm clock. Being one who wakes to soft noises, it amazes me when someone can't wake to an alarm, or needs a special alarm to help them wake up.





General Comments:  

1. “Jillian scuffed her bare feet across the plush, lavender carpet that spilled into her circular bedroom. You opened this line with quotation marks, but they are not needed here.

2. In the very last line, you point out the last page of freshmen; one of the people on the page has a last name of Miller. It seems that it would have to be a very small school for someone with a last name starting with M to be on the last page.

3. You end the story with that little 'bombshell', but it seems there could be far more to it. One question I have, is if their mother was a male in high school, how did she have children? You didn't mention them being adopted, but they might not have known that. It's still an unanswered question, along with many others I won't bring up here. But, tell us more! I have an inquiring mind, and want to know! *Bigsmile*




Overall impressions:  A very good story that seemed to leave this reader hanging. Well written, entertaining, I just want to know more.

Sum1

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