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3,400 Public Reviews Given
3,448 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Casual for the most part. I will point out errors I see and offer suggested corrections. I like to focus on the content and formatting of the item. I love providing helpful comments and feedback that may improve the item if acted on.
I'm good at...
I like to provide suggestions to the author on things I see that may need a second look. I'm not afraid to do a little research to verify a poem's format, or the contents of a story (if requested).
Favorite Genres
Mystery, Horror, Sci-Fi, Comedy, and Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Honestly, I will read anything if asked. I just prefer those listed above.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories, novellas, books (though a review of that may take days/weeks due to my schedule), Poetry of any format.
Least Favorite Item Types
I find non-structured poetry difficult to review, unless there is a short disclaimer about this non-structure that would help in understanding the reason it's in that particular format.
I will not review...
I'm not interested in Vore, In and Out's, Growing/Shrinking, or other items that are similar to one of these.
Public Reviews
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901
901
Review of Senseless  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Katrina,
         I love everything you write, like I've said, you excel at the shorter stories. This one is no exception either. What makes it even more special if you ask me, is the first hand experience it's based on. You didn't let personal sadness or troubles intrude on your story, and told this very well. The note to Matt at the end was heart-wrenching, but so true. It's something I could see being done by a young widow. Thank you for the inspiring read.
902
902
Review of Dreaming  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Obwan,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         I love the message in this poem, the story you tell about dreaming. But should dreaming be called that name? Or was it dreams that you really talked about in this poem. I have to say that at first I was put off by the repetitive use of the word 'dreaming' (it was used about 15 times in this poem), but I think I understand why you used it so many times. Having it used three times in the first verse alone is what really made me wonder. You may want to look at the possibility of reducing the usage of it, but I wouldn't want to suggest an alternative, it's your poem. You might also want to look at the description, we're allowed 90 characters, you title this 'Dreaming', and all you say to tempt us in to read it is 'A Dream.....?' Surely there's more you can say to draw in readers. *Smile*





Sum1

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903
903
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Pam,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very cute children's poem you've written here. I loved the idea of a small creature with mud on his face wanting to get a good look at himself. His journey to the brook was interesting, meeting the deer, skunk, and hound along the way. I can really see children enjoying this poem, and learning that in days past, a salamander was really called a mudman (I don't think I've heard it called that in years though). Very well done, the rhyme/rhythm were excellent, contributing to an enjoyable read. *Smile*





Sum1

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904
904
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Askpaddy,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop in to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a very cute poem, especially for being so short. The images you created were terrific, I think we've all seen movies like this and can thus relate. I do have a couple of comments for you on it.

1. You might want to consider shortening the title some, you don't need the 'A Bit On The Side'.

2. You may consider putting quotation marks around the dialog. It's dialog, even in a poem, and should have quotation marks.

3. Lastly, I would love to see this drawn out some, a bit longer. How long did he languish under the bed? How did he get out/escape? Did he have to listen to them make love above him as he hid? Things like this would add to the poem, and make the story much stronger. It's fine as it is, nice and short, but the possibilities. *Smile*



Sum1

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905
905
Review of White Balloons  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear WebWitch,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this fine occasion, your 5th WDC Anniversary!

         You know, it would be easy to say that the lines in this poem are too long. Or that the rhyme and rhythm are off, some lines short, others long as already mentioned. Maybe one could say, "Where's the form? Which of the many forms of poetry is this one supposed to be?" And to be honest, I don't think one would hear much of an answer, nor should they. Sometimes, words transcend all, as your poem does here. All you have to do is read, comprehend the words, and see the sadness and beauty in this poem. Line length requirements? P'shaw! Rhyme/Rhythm? Nah! Form? Forget it! This is fine as it is, nor does it get much finer. Thank you for the somber, yet beautiful read.



Sum1

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906
906
Review of I Let Him Down  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Katrina,
         You know I love the stories you write, you excel at the shorter ones. I loved how you kept your 'secret' until the very end. Your genre selection does give it away a little, so you might want to change that, but that's about the only thing I'd change here. Love it.

Me
907
907
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Sumi,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         This is quite the story you have here, and I found myself wondering if it is true, or fiction. As I read it, I was completely immersed in it, forgetting everything around me. For some reason, I knew Carrie hadn't committed suicide, and thought that Darrel had killed her for some reason. I was happy to see that it was an accident, and in a way, can understand his silence. It was quite a shock to him I'm sure, and just folded into himself. In the early parts of the story, I smiled at how you and Carrie played with the costumes. It's something I could see two young girls doing.

         Now I confess, I got so immersed in your story, that I forgot to review it with a critical eye. So all I can say, is very well done! Loved it.





Sum1

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908
908
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Charity,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 4th WDC Anniversary!

         I agree with you about the usage of edit points, and I am one of the guilty ones who have never used them. I think a lack of knowledge of how to use them is the biggest part, but another might be that few look for feedback of that type or depth. I think I am more comfortable just giving a review in this fashion; to me it's a complete item in itself. Using edit points would make this review a lot shorter. *Smile* Another reason, is that using them would require more work on the reviewers part, and most people aren't here to do reviews of that depth. I did see a couple of things you might want to look at in your wording of this.


1. First, you want to use the edit function of WDC if the item is already created. If posting a new piece, enabling it can only occur after creating it. These sentences are redundant really. Why not just say, "Edit points can only be used (or enabled) after an item has been created."

2. Edit points can be found in Section 5 of a static item or a book. Where in the heck is section 5? I have 158 items in my port, and I've never seen a section 5 on one. Oh wait, I know what you mean (I knew all along, I'm pulling your chain). *Smile* What I really mean to say here, is that this statement is nice, but it's ambiguous, and doesn't tell readers what/where section 5 is. You might want to explain a little further that edit points are located under the main body of text in the item when they edit it. This also explains to them why they can't be enabled until after the item is saved, since section 5 of an item being created is called 'Item Preferences'.

         Overall, I found this to be very helpful, well written, and full of information on edit points. Now all we need to do, is convince everyone (myself included) to use them. *Bigsmile*



Sum1

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909
909
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Starfire,
I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 7th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a beautiful poem about an older man singing in the evenings. His love for his wife and the life he has lived since then is obvious. I could feel his yearning for love as I read this. If I may, I do have a little feedback for you on it.



Title:  Very good for this poem




Description:  This is nice, but we're allotted 90 characters for our descriptions, so use them all you can!




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Very good, not consistent, but I think the inconsistency made it work better for me.




General Comments:  

1. that he'd earn on his own, earn should be earned

2. that sat by his side, In the previous line, you said he sang to his wife; I don't think she would like being called 'that' in the next line. Perhaps you could change 'that', to 'who'





Overall impressions:  A very nice poem about a love that spans beyond death.


Sum1

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910
910
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Dykie,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty humorous story you have here. You gave some fine examples of Grumpy Old Men, and most of them fit me! *Smile* I think you described their characteristics well, and I think they may have a good enough reason to be grumpy. They've earned it after all. I do have a little feedback for you on this.



Title:  Perfect for this story



Description:  Also excellent for this story.



Grammar:  I noticed nothing more than a couple of minor typo's.




My Favorite Part:  Your description of Mr. Wasserman's funeral, and what you found out about him.





General Comments:  

1. They always have their sleeves rolled up, you'll notice that they're forearms are all corded muscle, and they have hands as big as hams. They're should be their. But be careful here, you used the word their at least 5-6 times in short space.

2. "Those darn alpaca's. We're all going to freeze our butts off this winter just because a bunch of hill-climbing, spitting, nasty critters ain't growing enough fur!" You have dialog in two places, and in both you did not indent the line like the rest of the story. You might want to consider indenting them, as well as highlighting them in some way. Perhaps italics or a different color.




Overall impressions:  A nicely humorous story of life as one slowly becomes a Grumpy Old Man.


Sum1

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911
911
Review of Raven Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Michyio,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         I found myself liking this poem, it flows well and tells a nice tale. It does need a little editing TLC, but nothing major. I liked the idea you expressed here though, that the Raven was once the most colorful bird around, but lost all its color and is now black. My comments are below.



Title:  Excellent for this poem




Description:  First poem I ever wrote.And it was not inspired by "The Raven". It's was "Annabell Lee." While this is good, I think you can do better. You might say something like, "My first poem, inspired by Poe's "Annabelle Lee"."




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Your rhyme and rhythm closely followed that used in Annabelle Lee, but the English we speak today is not Poe's, causing this to read a little off. I will provide comments on that below.




General Comments:  

1. I know Poe used words over and over in his poem, and that was how things were in his time. But in today's world, it seems to detract from the read. (At least from what I can tell. If I may, I have a couple of minor suggestions on this.

Raven Heart

They say that I am The Devil’s Bird,
That I don’t care,
Maybe I'm selfish,
Some say I will never Fly,
But I am The Raven.
And they are wrong,
I am Flying,
Higher, and Stronger.
They made me this way,
Called me 'outcast',
Took my brilliant colors,
Once I was the brightest,
Different, so they shunned me,
My colors faded,
My tears meant nothing,
They call me heartless,
But they are the ones without a heart,
Not me, nor the rest of my Kind,
We are The Ravens,
We are the 'Silent Watchers',
Masters of the Darkness.




         I really didn't intend to go through the whole poem like that, but once I started, I realized it was about all I could do. If I may make another suggestion, it's this. Like I said, I loved the idea that the Raven was originally the brightest bird around. Tell the reader how the Raven lost it's colors. Maybe the Peacock tool the turquoise and blues, the Cardinal stole the red, something like that. But tell us how they did it, and when. A little story telling in this poem would make it so much stronger. And what a read that would be!



Overall impressions:  A nice poem about the Raven and how it came to be considered an outcast.



Sum1

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912
912
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Spideygirl,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 8th WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty strange story; but a good one that made me wonder, and I think that was the intent. It doesn't have a lot of buildup, nor much character depth, but taking place in the year 2408, maybe it doesn't need it. I found the society you described in this story to be utterly depressing, and am glad I don't live in that era. One of the strange parts of the story, was when he was forced to check out of the hospital because they needed his room, yet he was still there in it. That tells me he was there because there was space available, not that he needed to be in the hospital. If I may, I have a little feedback for you on this.



Title:  Very good for this story



Description:  You might want to tell a reader a little what this story is about, and add satire in genre in the heading above (you already have comedy).



Grammar:  Very good.





General Comments:  

1. You might want to consider using the {indent} command in the first line of each paragraph to set those line apart from the others. This is more a personal preference though that comment on a deficiency.

2. People used to laugh all the time, I came to understand, from reading at the library shortly after this conversation took place. This sentence reads a bit 'off'. It might be better worded something like this. Shortly after this conversation I was at the library, and in my reading, I found that people used to laugh all the time.

3. Bobo fell to the ground, dead, and I began laughing and laughing and laughing. You don't need a comma after ground. You might want to consider deleting the first usage of 'and'.

4. I know this is a satire and comedy, but it seems very stiff. Get out there on that branch! Stretch yourself some, and flesh this out. What I mean is, develop this a little more. Maybe give a short background on why people stopped laughing. Maybe describe life in 2408, show how it is different from today, but be satirical about both of these thoughts the whole time. Reinforce this idea throughout the story. Make me smile (but don't hit me on the head with a bowling pin) *Smile*


Overall impressions:  A cute story about a clown, and a man, who both need to learn how to laugh again.


Sum1

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913
913
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Lynn,
         When I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, I knew I had to stop in visit. Happy 2nd WDC Anniversary! I never knew you joined the day before I did!

         There are not very many people in the world with a heart like yours. The things you do to take care of stray, unwanted dogs is amazing. I loved reading about your pets, their personalities, and antics. It takes an awful lot of love, dedication, and heart to do what you've done. I'm sure many more will be adopted/rescued by you in the future. I would love to read more of your experiences, or just plain fiction stories. *Smile*

         And of course, I can't thank you enough for introducing me to this site, and encouraging me to join. I hope all is well with you and yours.



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
914
914
Review of September  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear J.D.,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review mail, and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 3rd WDC Anniversary!

         This is a nice poem about the events around 9/11. I could feel the pain
in your words, and anguish you felt as the events unfolded around you. That was quite a day for anyone here in the United States, and we've never been the same since. We know that we could be attacked again, and the thing is, unless we have knowledge ahead of time of when and how we'd be attacked, it could be successful again. I do have a little feedback for you on this.




Title:  I think I'd add a little more to this. Maybe A Awful Day In September, or something like that.




Description:  Very good for this.




Rhyme/Rhythm:  Your rhyming was very good




General Comments:  

1. The rhythm is off a little in some lines. Consider the syllable count of the lines in your poem. 9/10/10/8/12/12/10/9/11/13/13/10/10/11/8/11/8/11. You can see how it varies line to line. I am not one who believes in a constant syllable count for each line. In fact, I think a changing rhythm is nice in some cases. What throws this off though, is that 11/8/11 area, and the changing of rhythm from a high of 13 syllables to a low of 8. You might consider re-wording this a little bit to make the rhythm smoother.

2. I would center this on the page, and capitalize the first word of each line.

3. Other than a couple of question marks, you use no punctuation. To help with the flow, you might add comma's and periods to help the pace and such.






Overall impressions:  A nice poem that tugs at the heart.


Sum1

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915
915
Review of The Hit  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Kris,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         You tell quite the impressive story here, full of hatred, suspense, and a bit of a twist. I've never been involved in things like this, nor can I imagine it, but the idea of recruiting a hired killer for a hit on you is beyond me! Maybe that's why you wrote it, and not me. *Smile*

         This flows very well, the dialog is excellent, you placed it in and near Hobart Tasmania, and described the area a little bit. I got an idea of the area I grew up in, near the Rocky Mountains of New Mexico, only less civilized. From what I've read of these type stories, this sounds very authentic. I do have a little feedback for you on this.



Title:  Very good for this story.



Description:  Excellent, it's what drew me in to read it.



Grammar:  Very good




My Favorite Part:  Realizing that he was hired to kill someone who was standing in front of him. That blew me away.





General Comments:  

1. " That job with the knife? You can see the extra space here between the quotation marks and the start of dialog.

2. "'Make it look like a put up a struggle,' he said. 'I don't want my kids to think their old man got caught unawares. You've been using double quotation marks all along, so I'm not sure why you used single here, plus the double. You are also missing the closing quotation marks.

3. "Thankyou. You can see the missing space here.






Overall impressions:  An excellent story of a hit man who may finally have to pay the piper. Excellent read.


Sum1

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916
916
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Dear Ira,
         I want to take a moment to welcome you to Writing.com, or WDC as many of us affectionately call it. I hope you make this a second home like I have; a place to improve your craft, make friends and meet new people, or just read and write to your heart's content.

         Wow, I can really feel the pain in your heart with every word you wrote. The one thing about pain like this, is that it will slowly fade. What will remain constant is that tomorrow the sky will still be blue, the sun will rise in the East, and clouds will be around here and there. And somewhere in this world, closer than you think, someone loves you. You leave your heart here on the page, laying it all out with no care about anyone seeing it. That takes a lot of guts, and a lot of faith. Well done! I do have a couple of comments for you on it.



Title:  Very good, but you should capitalize at least the first word. My personal preference is to capitalize every word in a title.



Description:  We are given 90 characters to describe our work here on WDC. Use them to describe your work and entice readers in!





General Comments:  

1. Hope fades into oblivion, lost memories flood in, that sunset that god allowed just for you, that secret handshake that only you and one other person on this earth knows, that twinkle in your girls eye, when you realized...hey this girl really loves me, that time when you fell so hard for that girl you'd never get. I'm not overly religious, everyone knows that, but first and foremost, God should be capitalized. This sentence runs on a little bit, be careful with sentences like this, but in this case, I think it works okay, at least for me.



Overall impressions:  Ira, I hope that if this is about you, that you've gotten over this event in your life, and are in a happier state today. *Smile* I also hope you continue here on WDC, it's a second home to me, heck it's my first home sometimes, lol.



Sum1

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917
917
Review of Folded Flag  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear HBIC,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         This is a beautiful poem, I can understand this being your worst nightmare. I'm assuming your love is in the military.... While this doesn't rhyme, there's no need for it to, it's free verse. It is short, plain, and straight to the point. Along the way, it tugs at your heart strings. I do think her speech was a little short, I'm sure she would say more than that simple four line verse, but then again, maybe not. There is one comment I have for this.

1. they tore holes through her heart and soul. The entire poem is told in the present tense, yet this one line is in the past. I think tear would replace tore nicely.



Sum1

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** Image ID #1840790 Unavailable **
918
918
Review of Moon Over Water  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" Open in new Window.*CakeP*


Dear Katrina,
         What a special month this is, the month of another Anniversary here on WDC! Congratulations honey!

         You know how I feel about anything you write. Your poetry has changed so much in two years, I think you've found a new calling, a new love in writing. One comment on this if I may. In the line, "My magical spell", this is written from a third person point of view, so my doesn't fit. You could easily change that to 'a'. *Smile*





Sum1

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919
919
Review of The Search  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
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Dear Brom,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 2nd WDC Anniversary!

         This is a pretty good story here about Varius and his quest for an enchanted object. I like your story, but the flow of it is very fast. It seems you may have been under a word limit when you wrote this, and you may want to consider lengthening it now it you want. In this rapid pace, you toss in a few tidbits of detail. It is these tidbits of detail that would help in lengthening the story. What I mean about it moving fast, is that Varius' journey for this enchanted object seemed to take less than a day. Yet this object had been lost to knowledge, and very obscure for eons (at least that's the impression I got from reading it). Once he found the enchanted object, the story ended all too quickly. It seems he would have taken this object to the castle and shared the power of it with everyone in the land. I do have a few comments for you on it.



Title:  Excellent for this story



Description:  Very good



Grammar:  There are a few instances of missing words in the story, detailed below.





General Comments:  

1. In this land there was a legend of an enchanted object that would bring divine knowledge and wisdom to the one possesses it. It seems the word 'who' is missing after one. Or, you could change possesses to possessing, which would then read correctly.

2. Rummers spoke of it being in many corners of the kingdom, but in the royal castle of Pyrithia, a wise secretive scribe named Varius, was on the verge of identifying the province where the enchanted object laid. Rummers should be Rumors. Laid should be lay.

3. From books, scrolls, and ancient tablets that he had gathered from foreign lands from expeditions that he covertly went on, Varius was certain of its whereabouts. You used the word 'from' three times in this sentence. You might want to look at alternative wordings to improve the flow of this line.

4. After comparing the final scroll with the rest the sources he had, he translated the verse that would confirm its basic location. You should add 'of' between rest, and the. Would the location be basic? Or just location?

5. With haste Varius prepared his horse loading ample victuals and left the castle for the forest towards the entrance to the caves. This sentence reads a little rough, and could use a couple of commas. Maybe this would help. Varius prepared his horse with haste, loading ample victuals and left the castle for the forest, seeking the entrance to the caves.

6. "After all these years myriads of people have sought the talisman, now the blessings of its power will be endowed to me,"he said. You need a space between your closing quotation marks, and he. He's riding away on his horse alone, so who is he talking to? It seems you could delete the word 'after' at the start of this sentence.

7. He lit a torch and steered his horse into the cave but the horse struggled with his its rider against entering the ominous cave. The horse neighed and bucked its head refusing to go in. It was useless. This is a nice buildup here, you start a bit of suspense, then let it all just drop like a lead balloon. You should delete the use of his before "its rider".

8. "Its just a cave! Confounded horse! How splendid! This blasted beast is a cowered of the dark. Cowered should be coward.

9. Then Varius thought to himself. Maybe its not the dark you're afraid of. Why would you be afraid when countless times you've carried soldiers into war when it isdark in the plains ? You need a space between isdark. Again you start building a bit of suspense, then let it drop.

10. Nevertheless any danger is worth facing for what I'me after. You need to delete the 'e' in I'me.

11. He climbed up the side of the wall where the hole were parallel to it and climbed through and gasped."My word! Its beautiful! Hole should be holes. You use 'and' twice in close succession in this line. You can delete the first one, and place a comma after it.

12. "Varius was exhilarated. You don't need the opening quotation marks in this line.

13. One was of wicker, one was of gold a the third was of silver. You need a comma after gold, and should add the word 'and' after gold.

14. He instantly knew that it was the first one made of wicker. How did he instantly know it was the one made of wicker? Most men would assume it to be the gold chest. It seems to me that in all his research on this object that he would know what it was in, or at least had a good clue about it. You should mention that here to help.

15. There was quite a bit of dialog in your story that just didn't read quite right. An example would be, "Its just a cave! Confounded horse! How splendid!...." or "My word! Its beautiful!" I don't think he would say something like that. It just makes the read a little hard to believe is all.




Overall impressions:  A good story of a quest for a powerful treasure.




Sum1

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Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.0)
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Dear Great White Wyrm,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary!

         Well, your idea here is interesting, but there's just not enough available to tell if someone would enjoy reading it. Your idea about past lives is nice, it's been written about many times before as you know. But suppose we knew about our past lives? It seems your character Ben might know about his. But if we could, would we want to? This is a hard article to really review, so what I'll say is, it's been 10 years since your wrote this, has it gone any further? If not, then it's either a dead idea, or one that is waiting for you to focus on it a little to bring it to fruition. If you still have the desire to write it, then get to it! Listen to me, I have two stories waiting to be written too, my life has been very busy recently, and I've hardly started either. The key for you here is, don't worry about someone reading your works. Write! If you write, they will read! *Smile*




Sum1

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Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
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Dear Juniorwriter,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 1st WDC Anniversary!

         Okay, so you've tossed out the hook and latched me, set the hook nicely, now where's the rest of the story? *Smile* This is an excellent start to a longer story. I was captivated by the idea of a puppet like this, it reminded me of an old movie called 'Magic' that starred Anthony Hopkins. I liked the flow of your story, the idea of Caitlyn receiving a gift that wasn't really a gift, but ties in the first part about the boy and his puppet. Interesting story so far, I hope to read more on this later.




Sum1

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Review of Two Turtledoves  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
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Dear Last Cicada,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 11th WDC Anniversary! WOW! Eleven years! Does it seem that long to you?

         This is a very unique story you've written here! I loved the idea of seeing the world from a bird's point of view. The fact that two of you wrote it using different points in the world, and are from far different areas of the world makes it all the more impressive. The ending was special too, at least for me. When I read the first part, I didn't understand who it was talking about the birds. The use of different colored font helped identify who was talking, but it wasn't until the end that I realized there was a narrator to the story. Nicely done!




Sum1

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Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Yellow,
         My heart hurts for you. I know you miss him so, I see it in about everything you write. I wish I could find a love so great, so powerful. Thank you for this, and the other things I've read of yours.

Jim
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Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
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Dear Sherri,
         When I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page, there was no way I could let this month go by without dropping by to wish you a Happy 6th WDC Anniversary!

         I am sorry you were forced to close this forum, I always loved the prompts you provided (I call them challenges), and as you might remember (you see a lot in a contest I know, so maybe you don't remember), I was lucky enough to win this contest a couple of times. I love the layout of this page, it draws a writer in, almost makes them want to enter your contest. The only thing you might want to add to this (should you ever open it again), is a listing of previous winners, and the prompt for that week. (No, not because I want to see my name there, but I love to peruse a contest, see prompts, and read the winning entry.) I hope you are able to open this again soon.




Sum1

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Review of War  Open in new Window.
Review by GrueSum1 Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Dear Jennifer,
         I saw your suitcase on the Anniversary Review page and thought I'd drop by to honor this occasion, your 10th WDC Anniversary!

         This article is interesting, but you stick to the idea of being hit, as if someone hits you. Unfortunately, many times, a war is not started for that reason. Often it's done because the leadership of a country feels their country needs a resource that isn't available in their own country, but is elsewhere. Even worse (is you ask me), is when a war is started because another cultures beliefs do not follows yours, so it is felt that we should go in that country and show them that our beliefs are right. The United States it not innocent in all this, look at how we treated Native Americans for an answer to that. I do have a little feedback for you on this.



Title:  Excellent for this.



Description:  Very good for this article



Grammar:  You consistently misused the word 'then', when 'than' should have been used. I've highlighted those sentences below





General Comments:  

1. Harder then when we were children sure but what's our reason for doing it? Then should be than.

2. That if we just smack them back, harder then they did to us of course, they'll stop? Then should be than.

3. Of course as adults, we do more then hit. We have wars. Then should be than.

4. If they don't think they're hitting back hard enough they send in more people. Then should be than.

5. It's difficult not to get angry when someone insults you, or your beliefs, or even worse hits you. I think a comma after worse would help this line read better.




Overall impressions:  An interesting opinion article on war, and what causes it.


Sum1

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