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Things that I think every mom wants thier kids to know |
| This is something that I have been wanting to do for some time. I am not sure how to put all of this together and make it worth reading. Everyone says, " My life is an open book." I'm trying to put my life into a book that might be opened. |
| Well, I have been talking about my life as it was many years ago. There was a lot of drama back then. If I was to talk about my life now, everyone would be bored to sleep. NO DRAMA, thank goodness. Too much drama can cause high blood pressure! LOL! As the kids say. For those who don't know what that is, laugh out loud, lol. I had to ask my son, the baby of the family. He has just turned 19 and he is the only one to have actually graduated high school. As badly as I wanted to see one of my kids take that walk to get thier diploma, I missed seeing the one that actually did it! I was staying with my sister at my mom's house. She had been diagnosed with a very rare form of cancer and didn't have very much time left. As a matter of fact, she passed away about a week after the graduation ceremony. My husband was there and he called me on the phone. I got to listen to the names being called and I heard my son's name. I was sitting on the front porch. We had put my sister's cell phone on speaker so she could hear also. When they called his name, I cried like a baby! I was so happy and so sad all at the same time. You wouldn't think that is possible because they are at such opposite ends of the emotional switchboard, but, that is how I felt. I was happy because he graduated and so sad because I missed it. But, I had a very good reason for not being there and he understood. My sister and I were staying with mom and helping her to die with dignity. That probably isn't the right way to say it but, I don't know any other way to phrase it. Mom was diagnosed with neuro-endocrine carcinoma. A rare form of cancer that produces tumors all over the body. They range in size from pea size to softball size and she had them all over her body. They are itchey and very painful. When mom was told what type of cancer she had, we went to the cancer institute website and looked it up. She was going to try chemo, even though she doubted it would help her and she was right. What we found out on the website was that the type of cancer mom had did not respond to chemo. It might stop new tumors from forming but it would not stop the ones that were already there. It wouldn't shrink them or affect them in any way. After we read that, mom called the doctor and asked her if this info was correct. The doctor said yes it was and that was the end of trying the chemo. All of us kids told mom that whatever decision she made, we would stick by her and we did. We went to her doctor visits, we cleaned her house, cut the grass, did the laundry, everything that she would have done for herself, we did for her. It was just too hard for her to do those things. We called the hospice people, the same ones that helped my mom with my step-dad when he had cancer. It takes a very special individual to be a hospice care-giver. They are angels on earth and will have my gratitude for the rest of my life. We had a family meeting with the hospice people and figured out who would have the power of attorney and things like that. Then we learned how to take care of mom, while she was still able to help herself and how to take care of her when she wasn't. We had to monitor her meds, food intake or not, bathroom habits, ability to move around or not, every aspect of her life had to be monitored and recorded. The hospice doctor put mom on morphine. As much as she needed to be comfortable. At one point, she had taken about 300 milligrams of morphine in a 24 hour period. The hospice doctor changed the strength of her dosage and limited how often she got the meds. She could have 2 pills in the a.m. and 2 pills in the p.m. with a few of the smaller dosage pills in between if she was in pain. All of this we had to write down. The time and everything. I only had a few months with mom before she died and that was the really hard part. I have been living 2 states away for about 15 years. I had only been home a few times in that space of time. Most of those times were for family funerals. Not happy occasions. When I went home this last time, it wasn't a happy occasion then either. It was for a little while but... We did have some good times while I was there and made some very happy memories for all of us to remember. We took lots of photos and had the traditional family cook-out on Mother's Day last year. That was when I gave my mom the poem titled,"My Mother". I wrote that poem for her for her last mother's day. She loved the poem and gave me the biggest hug. It felt sooooo good! Words can't describe the feeling. A little less than 1 month later, mom was gone. A month and 1 day before her next birthday. I'm getting better, a little bit at a time. You have good days and not so good days. You have crying days and then you have days where you just don't feel like associating with anybody but you have to anyway. You never get over it but you learn to live with it and deal with it a little bit at a time. You keep it in a box in your mind and let a little out at a time. If you let it out all at one time, you would surely fall apart and become a basket case. The repurcussions of that happening would not be a good thing. |
| So, after I had let this man back into my life, the unbelievable happened, yes, you guessed it, I was pregnant, again! I was so shocked because I was careful. I thought anyway. Like I said before, I didn't tell him until after she was born. I also found out that his mother had our supposed marriage anulled. We couldn't find anything anywhere that said anything about marriage. The we being my mom and I. He said it was anulled but I never saw any paper work or anything. When I met my husband, I worried about that. After we became a permanent couple, I figured that if there wasn't any proof that I was married before, then I had nothing to worry about. That turned out to be true. Fortunately for me. It wouldn't have mattered anyway. I had already decided to become a bigamist if he asked me to marry him. When I commit myself to someone, it is whole-heartedly. My husband is the best thing that has ever happened to me and I have no regrets of any kind from my decision to be with him forever. We are at the point in our relationship that words almost aren't necessary. It is kind of strange. Occasionally, we have disagreements, sometimes heated arguements, but I think that we would be lost without the other. He has been a wonderful father to all of my kids, four of them are his biologically, but my 1st born stole his heart, long before I did. The running joke in the family is that she is my red-headed stepchild. No, she isn't, I gave birth to her. But as she got older, someone in my family(1 of my brothers) decided to tell her the truth about her parentage. The reason he told her, he just found out that his dad was really his step-dad and had adopted him when he was a baby. He and I have the same mother but different fathers. That is a whole other chapter in itself. Anyway, when he told her, she was just 14 and not really old enough to understand exactly what he was telling her. It caused all kinds of problems for us for years. She was getting into that rebellious stage when my brother told her what he thought was the truth. But, what comes around goes around. My brother married someone who had a baby girl before he met her. He became her father. After a few years of not speaking to him, I finally made him understand what he had done to my daughter and my family. I called him one day and asked him how he would feel if I told his daughter the truth? He put himself in the same situation that my husband was in and it made him realize how much he had hurt my family. He loves his daughter just as much as my husband loves his and it terrified him to think that I would tell her the truth. I never did, but it got the point across and I got an apology for all of the problems that he caused us. Our kids are all doing fine these days and my brother and I are quite close. Truthfully, all of us are closer today than we were all those years ago. I love my family with all my heart and they love me the same. Sometimes it can be smothering, but, I wouldn't have it any other way! |
| About yesterday's rant, the story that I saw on the news really upset me. That poor woman/mother. She got there just in time to hold her sons hand, she told him she was there, he squeezed her hand and then he died. The boy was only 14 years old. It was just so tragic and horrifying at the same time. It brought back memories of a phone call I got from my son, many years ago. Every parent has the fear of getting THE PHONE CALL in the middle of the night. You all know which one I mean. That call doesn't always come in the middle of the night, it can be at 10 o'clock in the morning, like mine. My oldest daughter was at work, her sister and brother were at school(so I thought), my 4th child was in school(jr.high) and my youngest was in elementary school. I know that my 4th and 5th kids were at school, I took them. My other 2 were in high school and wanted to ride with a friend. I thought they were old enough and responsible enough to do that, so, I said o.k. In retrospect, they weren't and I almost paid dearly for that mistake. They went to school and then left between classes. They drove out to the country. The boy they rode to school with had family property and that was where they went, so they wouldn't get caught. When they were leaving from there, later that afternoon, one of those blinding white rain storms popped up. Instead of waiting it out, the boy decided to try to drive back in it. They were on a small country road. It was just barely big enough for 2 cars to scrape past each other on a bright sunny day. Needless to say, they were hit head on. Ironically by a little old lady driving on the wrong side of the road, during this rain storm. The kids called 911 from their cell phone. The 911 people thought it was a joke and didn't believe them. About 30 minutes after the accident, the mail lady drove up and took 1 of the kids to a house down the road to use the phone and call the paramedics. Then she took him back to the accident and continued her route. Luckily for the kids, the woman's house that they went to was a nurse and she went to the accident scene to help. The boy that was driving, dislocated his hip and got his knee cut up pretty bad, a boy riding in the back, broke his nose. A girl riding in the back needed stitches in her forehead, from the seat-belt buckle on the door. My son broke his ankle and now has a screw and wire permanently embedded in his ankle bone. My daughter was pinned under the dash and had a closed head injury. When my son called me on the cell phone, I thought that I was going to have a heart attack. I have never heard my son so close to panic in his whole life. He was only about 14 or 15 at the time and he had already been through stitches and broken bones. Boys will be boys, as they say. When he called me, he was crying and cussing because he couldn't get his sister out of the car. The door was stuck shut and her legs were stuck under the dash. She was unconscious but crying for me. I could hear her in the background. I have never been so scared in my life. I asked my son where they were and he tried to tell me but he didn't really know. The nurse lady that came to help told me what hospital they would be taken to and then put my son back on the phone. I tried to talk to my daughter and calm her down, but, she couldn't hear me. When I hung up with my son, as the ambulances arrived, I was on the phone paging my husband with 911 after the phone #. Told him what happened, called the elementary school and jr high school, had a friend go get them from thier schools and then paced the sidewalk waiting on my husband. I probably smoked half a pack of cigarettes in the 15-20 minutes it took him to get home. Then we were driving to the hospital, an hour away. I was so scared, terrified that I would be too late. I have never felt anything like that before and I hope to never feel that again. We got to the hospital at the same time as the ambulance that had my son and daughter were in. When I saw my son, he said he was sorry he couldn't help his sister. I hugged him and told him that I loved him and that he did his best to help her and he rode with her in the ambulance. That helped her and me. He said that he wasn't going to let her go alone, even though the driver told him to get in the other one, he refused and told them that he was going with his sister, period! My daughter was semi-comatose for 8 days. She had to be transported to the hospital where we lived, after they made sure she could make the trip. My son rode to that hospital with his father and I rode in the ambulance with my daughter. We pretty much arrived at the same time. To everyone reading this, next time you see an ambulance, please get out of thier way. You would not believe how many people don't move out of the way. I got so pissed off because no-one would move and we had to slowly maneuver through traffic at intersections. On more than 1 occasion, we had to drive on the wrong side of the road because the people wouldn't pull over to the right and stop. My daughter and son are o.k. today. He has a son, who is soon to be 7 years old and looks just like his Dad. Acts like him too. My daughter has 2 daughters and she is a stay at home mom, like myself. She is o.k. but different than she used to be. She has absolutely no memory of the accident and really doesn't have any lasting affects from it. Although, her temper is a lot shorter than it used to be and she doesn't have a lot of patience anymore either. There are other things that are different but it is difficult to put into words just exactly what they are. I think it is only something that I can see because the doctor's couldn't find anything wrong. She can't drive in the rain, if she has to go somewhere other than her usual places, i.e., Walmart, Kroger, mom's house,etc. She has panic attacks if she rides with her husband somewhere and it is raining. She ended up marrying the guy that was driving the car when they got into the accident. How ironic is that? I used to describe my daughters using analogies of nature, My oldest was the awesome looming thunderstorm on the horizon, complete with thunder and lightening and wind. Her sister was the sunshine and rainbows and flowers after the storm. Now it seems as if they traded places. Maybe they just grew up, but I think there is more than just that. My youngest daughter says that her older sister is her inspiration and the wind beneath her wings. Every time they hear that song, by Bette Midler, they call each other and both of them cry. They are very close these days even though they live states apart. All of my kids are close to each other. They know that without your family, you have nothing. |
| To everyone that has been reading my book/blog, I would like to say thank you for showing an interest in my little piece of this lifetime. I hope that no-one will judge me by the things that are written here. Like most people, I have regrets and one day I will have to answer for the things that I have done but, for now, life goes on and so do I. I have tried not to judge people or the things they say or do unless it is morally wrong to me. I know that many people will judge me by what has been written here and for them, I am sorry for offending you; but it is my life and my choices and my mistakes. If my children can understand and forgive me for the things that happened in my past and my husband can do the same, then your judgement of me has no effect on me. I don't mean for this to sound rude, just honest. If there was more honesty in this world it might not be such a cruel place. It seems as if common sense, compassion, honesty, sincerity, integrity, sensitivity and morality have been tossed out the window of the space shuttle. Guess it is like the song says, My give a damn's broken! That is really a shame because the world would be so much better if everyboby's give a damn wasn't broke. If the grown-ups of the world could look at the kids of the world, they would see some really interesting things going on with them. All of these school shootings and no-one saw the signs, yea, right. no-one wanted to see! People need to learn how to care again. Not just about themselves and whats in it for them but about the legacy they are leaving for the children of this world. It breaks my heart to hear about a gang shooting and an innocent 14 year old child, waiting in the parking lot for his mom to pick him up, gets shot in the head. Why, because he got caught in the cross-fire. His mom got there just in time to hold his hand while he died. How cruel is that? My heart breaks for this woman and she is a complete stranger to me. Just someone I saw on the news. Why can't the news find some good things in this world to report once in a while? Give us a little hope for the future instead of nothing but gloom and doom. Guess I have ranted long enough, not really, but I'm going to stop now anyway. Tomorrow is another day, maybe it will be better. |
| Even though this man had talked me into doing something so wrong(?), I let him back into my life for a little while. Needless to say, I ended up pregnant again. This time when I found out, I didn't tell him until after I had my daughter. She was born 2 months early. She was born screaming at the top of her lungs and looked like popeye. Yes, she looked like popeye! She weighed 3lbs. and 10 oz. and she could fit inside a boots shoebox with lots of room to stretch. When I put new-born clothes on her, I had to tie the legs into a knot and roll the sleeves up to the seams, so her little hands could stick out. When I could finally bring her home from the hospital, she almost weighed 5lbs. I took her to see her biological donor and as you would expect, he totally denied her! I never got any child support from him or anything else for that matter. After that day, I never saw him again. My oldest daughter is now 31 and I still haven't seen him. The only good thing I got from that man, is my daughter and her 3 daughters. It is rather ironic, how history repeats itself sometimes. My first grand-daughter had a donor for her father also. Her mom hasn't seen him since she was born either. He basically did the same thing to her that happened to me. I find that very ironic, in a weird kind of way. |
| Well, my first entry was about my birthday, that was last month. Today is Valentine's day and I might actually get some flowers from my husband. That would be a shock! It's not that he doesn't care, he just doesn't remember. Anyone that has been married as long as we have will understand that statement. When I met my husband, I was not looking for any type of relationship. I had just gotten out of a relationship and I had a newborn daughter. She was my first priority. At least that is how I was trying to think. I was staying with family, didn't have a job, didn't finish school and had absolutely no prospects on the horizon, so to speak. My husband has told me many times, that when he came to see his friend, my cousin; he knew that we would be together forever. He said that when I answered the front door, he just knew. Do you believe in love at first sight? I didn't! To my way of thinking in that point in my life, it was just something a guy would say to get what he wanted. Turned out that I was wrong in this case. Surprisingly, we have been together for over 30 years. I never expected to be married, at least not for this long. You learn a lot as you get older and I want to share some of what I have learned but, I'm not sure how to do that. So, I think that I will just start writing about different things and see where I end up. I was 16 years old when I met the man that (stole) took my virginity. He was 6 years older than me. Naturally, I was just naive enough that I believed his BS. He swept me off my feet. At 16, you have no idea what real love is like and you'll believe anything and everything that he tells you. Especially if he is older and more mature. After a few dates, don't remember how many, we slept together. That was the biggest mistake that I ever made! I thought that I loved this person. Turned out that he was just after one thing. After that, we didn't see each other very much. My first time was a waste of time. Don't listen to all the talk about not being able to get pregnant the first time because it isn't true. I got pregnant the very first time. As I said, I was very, very naive. I had no idea what real love was and nothing to use as a reference either. At first, I thought that it would be great, having his baby, then reality set in and I had to face the fact that I had to tell my mom. That was not happening! Instead, I picked a big fight with her and told her that I didn't want to live with her anymore. I wanted to go live with my Dad. Anyway. I ended up going to live with my Dad for a while. I couldn't tell him either, so I told my step-mom. Naturally, she told my Dad. I thought he was going to kill me but, he just told me that if I was woman enough to make a baby, then I was woman enough to raise it. Little did I know, he was tracking down the baby's father. That was really scary for me. You see, my Dad was in the military at the time. He always said that he knew 1001 ways to kill a man and all of them slow. I thought for sure that someone was going to jail pretty soon. Fortunately or maybe not, that didn't happen. The guy showed up and swore to my Dad that he would do the right thing and marry me, so the baby would be legal. So, I left with him to go to his mother's house and supposedly get married. Well, we went to the JP and applied for the license, didn't have to get blood tests back then. The license cost about $5.00. Then we went to the church and got married about 3 days later. After we got married, his mother and his sister bullied me into doing something that it took me many, many years to come to terms with, an abortion. Being young and very gullible and having them pressuring me 24 hours a day for days, I was talked into doing something so out of character for me. I love life and everything that goes with it, good and bad. For me to do something that many people equal to murder is almost unthinkable, but, I did it. It was over 30 years ago, but I still wonder what people would think of me if they knew. My children know. I told them when they were old enough to understand. My daughters are pro-life and my sons are pro-choice. I don't know how that happened but there it is. One of my sons is still on the fence, so to speak. If incest or rape or a life-threatening situation is involved, he is pro-choice. If it were to be his kid, he would be very much pro-life. But, I'm getting side tracked, so back to where I should be continuing. After his sister dropped me off at the hospital for the weekend, I knew that I would regret the situation that I had gotten myself into and I did. I saw no-one that I knew for the entire time I was at the hospital. I went through the procedure all alone and terrified. When I was able to leave the hospital, his sister was the one who picked me up and took me back to his mother's house. After a few days, he drove me back to my mother's house and unceremoniously dumped me at the front door and left! I felt so horrible. It was many years before I could tell my mother what had happened to me. I felt like such an idiot because I thought that my mother wouldn't understand or couldn't help. It is funny how you realize things when you get older and have your own kids. I know now that my mom would have done everything she could to help me and I would probably have had 6 kids instead of 5. But, hindsight is 20/20 as they say. |
| Today is my birthday. You would think that after being married to the same man for 31 years, he would remember to tell me Happy Birthday, before he left for work. That almost bothered me a lot. He did finally call me and tell me, but it would have been nice to hear it first thing in the morning. I am still waiting on the rest of my kids to remember that it is my birthday. They are usually pretty good about it. My 2nd daughter was the first one to tell me. She calls everyday at about 7:30a.m. On the weekends, she calls at about 10:30a.m. Since the rest of my kids, with the exception of the one still at home, haven't called yet, she will call & remind them. I sent my sister's a little poem to remind them. It was Happy birthday to me Happy birthday to me I still don't have grey hair and I'm almost fifty!! WOW!! I am almost half a century old. How freaky is that? Remember when you were little and 50 was sooooo old. It feels a little weird to realize that I am that old. It is just a feeling but it is a strange one. You really don't expect to suddenly realize that your older than you feel. I have my days, when my body feels 70 but my mind feels 25. Guess I need to figure out how to reverse that. When I do, I'll bottle it and make a fortune, HA!HA! My youngest son is having a bad hair day today! Guess I will be giving him a haircut later today or tomorrow. He is almost 19. He has graduated high school but isn't having any luck job hunting right now. He has such a unique outlook on life and various things in general. I think he should write a book on his philosophy and his outlook on things. Guess that's enough for now. I'll add some more in a few days. |
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