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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| Well hello everyone. I have returned from the great realm of Cable modem hell. I would not recommend taking the trip. It sucks. No good scenery don't ya know. I received one of the best compliments about my writing that I have ever recieved. A reviewer recently said they like my characters because they seem real. They are not perfect and they all have problems. That is what I want. I don't want perfect worlds or characters. That is what television is for. I wan't realism. In the real world there are no real good guys and bad guys there are guys of grey. I have plenty to catch up on here. I am behind in my reviews and the reviewathon is almost halfway over. I still have to write my second piece for my writing assignment. I will have chapters two and three for The Price of Vengeance posted by tomorrow. CHapters five and six of Perpetual Rage are still a little ways off. I'm having a difficult time getting Eddye back to the Rage. You know writing is a funny hobby. You know not funny queer but funny haha (Carl- Sling Blade) The story that I see the most plain in my mind is the one that I can't write. I know what will happen every step of the way with the Chronicles of Gatean. I know who the hero is, who dies, who returns, who the members of the Triumpherate are, I know it all. Can I write it? Nope. Weird man weird. Now the stuff that just comes to me, Vengeance, Rage, and my Writing Assignment, I have no problem writing those. I just don't understand. Can anyone splain it to me? Still I sit and wonder, will I ever finish anything I have started to write? Will the writing Gods grant me the patience and the ability not to procrastinate about my writing? Did Sawyer really get shot on the season finale of Lost? I couldn't tell. Do we really need more remakes of bad tv shows into movies? Why did the Parkay tub always want you to say butter, just so he could say Parkay? Where do Fruity Pebbles go when you add milk? Why did twix comercials change from, two for me none for you? Who should die for the Fanta girls comercials? Why do I wonder these things? Do I need an MRI? Anyway I am off. I have blogs to read, reviews to write, and words to put to paper. I am at a loss for a movie qoute tonight. So I shall choose one at random; I had always heard your entire life flashes in front of your eyes the second before you die. First of all, that one second isn't a second at all, it stretches on forever, like an ocean of time... For me, it was lying on my back at Boy Scout camp, watching falling stars... And yellow leaves, from the maple trees, that lined my street... Or my grandmother's hands, and the way her skin seemed like paper... And the first time I saw my cousin Tony's brand new Firebird... And Janie... And Janie... And... Carolyn. I guess I could be pretty pissed off about what happened to me... but it's hard to stay mad, when there's so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I'm seeing it all at once, and it's too much, my heart fills up like a balloon that's about to burst... And then I remember to relax, and stop trying to hold on to it, and then it flows through me like rain and I can't feel anything but gratitude for every single moment of my stupid little life... You have no idea what I'm talking about, I'm sure. But don't worry... you will someday. Lester Burnham (Kevin Spacey) - American Beauty Damn good movie. edyhdrawde Keep writing Keep reading |
| Today for the first time since the last time I worked I realized that I am not cut out for retail. First people get on my nerves. lol. Second I hate to ask people when they make their purchase if they would like to buy some chocolate, or a bookmark, or a giftcard, or a dis or a dat. I know as a customer I hate to be bothered with such junk. I want my book and I want to go about my business. I don't need the high pressusre sales tactics. Man I am buying a book not a car back off. But I have begun to ask for email addresses for our email coupons. Only because I was told if I didnt get at least one an hour while I work I would be written up and lose some of my hours. Man for what I get paid I need all the hours I can get. But this is the first place I have ever worked at that would rather you sell four items per transaction than to sell an 100 dollar book. Weird I tell ya weird. Tonight I would like to plug a couple of the good people I have met here on the great and wonderful website that is writing.com. First my buddy Jim who just had a book released by Publish America called, The Soldier and The Lady. Ask your local book store for it. Here is chapter four from Book One it is also posted in his portfolio.
Second is my Swiss friend by way of Russia, Gaijin de Moscu. He is in the midst of writing a really kewl alternate history novel about Mexico. He has done one of the things for this story that I dread among all other things. Research. I'm talking like five years of research. So drop by and say hey.
As for my own writing, you ask? Well I feel spread thin like butter over so much toast. Besides writing Chapters five and six of Perpetual Rage I am writing the second chapter of Price of Vengeance and writing the second part of my "The Writing Assignment"  . Then I got my blog, a reviewathon, two workshops I joined, and a partridge in a pear tree.Again for the second time in as many nights my qoute will have nothing to do with what I have written; We don't want your forgiveness. We won't make excuses. We're not gonna blame you, even if you are an accessory... But we will not except your natural order. We didn't come for absolution, we didn't ask to be redeemed. But isn't that how it is, every goddamn time... Your prayers are always answered, if not in the order they're received... Mr. Parker (Ryan Phillipe) - Way of the Gun and so it goes..... edyhdrawde Keep writing keep reading |
I have to make a retraction, it would seem that I am not an idiot as the beautiful Lady Haggis pointed out to me.
I'm may not be an idiot but I play one on TV. So I am a member of the "Invalid Item" my goal is ten reviews a day for the fifteen day period. I think today I have done twelve. A little ahead of my schedule. I hope I can keep it up since I have been slacking in the review department lately.I have gone back and added to The Price of Vengeance, since everyone wants to fuss at me for mentioning three characters in the description of the piece but only introducing two of them. Still it is a rough draft and it will be rewritten eventually although I have made a few minor tweaks.
Still chapter five of Perpetual Rage is giving me fits. I can't seem to get it to go smoothly. Perhaps I should move on to the outline? Nah, why break tradition everything else in Rage so far is done without one. Chapter Six is moving along great and the doctors are giving Eddye a hard time. Well it seems that my blog is rather mundane tonight there is nothing really for me to rant about. Oh well, lets hold out for tomorrow maybe something juicy will happen. Let's keep our fingers crossed shall we. Anyway since this is so boring tonight why not check out two of my favorites. They always seem to make me laugh and since I can't figure out the Manage Blog Links so we do it the old fashioned way.
Let's see what kind of qoute can we leave for tonight? Wait I know; I called your house and Mary said you'd be out here. She sounds good. Oh, she wanted I give you this message, "See, I told you Colorado wasn't far enough." I don't know what she meant by that. So what are you doing? Nick Falzone (John Cusack) - Pushing Tin Well it doesn't have anything to do with what I wrote tonight but I think that will be okay. edyhdrawde Keep writing keep reading |
| You know I seem to spend more and more of each day on this website. I must say the longer I stay here the more the idiot I feel. I keep reading reviews and I feel incompetent. Always a multitude of missed commas, words pluralized wrong, to instead of too. God do I wish I paid more attention in school. Man, but I hated english class. It seems I do nothing the way you are supposed to do. I don't start with an outline. I don't start with a conflict. I don't really start with much of a plot. I start with a spark of an idea and I write until the spark either dies or comes to life. I start with a dream and try to flesh it out. I have joined a couple of workshops and hopefully they will be patient and try to learn an old idiot new tricks. There are plenty of helpful people on this website so I am sure it will work out for the best. I think Struggling Writer is right. Well for tonight's qoute. It's a small qoute but sometimes it's how I feel about writing. When I was going up the stairs, I met a man who wasn't there. He wasn't there again today, I wish, I'd wish he'd go away. Ed (John Cusack) - Identity May your nightmares give flesh to your creative juices. edyhdrawde Keep writing Keep reading. |
| It's funny how the mind works. A few days ago I would probably kill you rather look at you. Today, it's more like, "Hello, little brother, give us a hug." strange man strange. lol So chapter five for Perpetual Rage continues to give me troubles. I guess cause I am trying to use that chapter to get Eddye back to the Rage of the title and am finding it difficult. CHapter six on the other hand is going along fine. The doctors have begun to question some of Eddye's stories. Sparks should fly from that. I have been in a reviewing slump lately, hopefully I will get back to business today or tomorrow and gets ta reviewin. If the good Lords willin', and the creek don't rise. So I watched Moulin Rouge again last night for the million and ninety-eighth time. Still good, still fun. Great music. Not much else to say today I am on the way out to play Settlers of Cataan. It's a fun board game. Todays first qoute; What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns, or watching violent videos, that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music? Rob Gordon (John Cusack) - High Fidelity edyhdrawde Keep writing Keep reading |
| I am in much better spirits today then I was yesterday. All except for this splitting headache. Damn sinus'. Well my groups are expanding. "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" "Invalid Item" Oh where will I find the time for all of this. Plus I am joining a Novel Wrkshop as well. Looks like my World of Warcraft is going to suffer. So Perpetual Rage Chapter 1 has 107 views but only 16 reviews. That is less than 15% return crazy man.
So this is a week of 100's. Rage chapter 1 breaks a hundred, my reviews given breaks a hundred, my reviews recieved are nearing a hundred, and I have near a hundred views of my blog. I am not happy with Perpetual Rage Chapter Five. It doesn't seem to be coming across right, the character seems all wrong. PLus I can't even think of a good title for the chapter. So I may take all of the reviews I got for chapter one so far and do a little correction and rewriting. Well I think I am off to sleep my head is killing me. Gloom, dispair, and agony on me, whoa! I have my AOL Instant Messager downloaded again if anyone would like to say hello sometime. The screename is edyhdrawdee, with two e's on the end. Someone else actually had edyhdrawde, the nerve of some poeple. You can download AIM at www.AIM.com it is free. Anywho, I am off. Tonight's qoute from one of the most underappreciated actors of our generation; I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that. Lloyd Dobber (John Cusack) - Say Anything Peace and hairgrease, I'm out. edyhdrawde |
| Momma said, there would be days like this. There would be days like this, momma said. or to put it another way. Did you ever see a robin weep When leaves begin to die That means he’s lost the will to live And I’m so lonesome I could cry -Hank Williams Out of nowhere it became one of those days. I guess we all have them. For no particular reason I was smacked with the realization that I am alone. For all the pain of past relationships, I miss the comfort of a warm body, a soft laugh, a gentle kiss. I sit here just past thirty-four years of age and I fell like I am a waste of what my life should be. I have had problems with depression since I was a young teenager. They stimmed from the seperation of my parents and not being able to go with my mother. They stimmed from being made to stand on the porch of the guys house she was staying at, in the rain, begging her to come home. They stimmed from my father resorting to drunken parties where I would drink half of every glass of alchohol. I used to go to school drunk, gym first period, band second, throwing up soon after, drinking under the bleachers at lunch. Everyday was the same; lather, rinse, repeat. I am tired and I have given up on my search for companionship, and that makes me sad and angry. I have asked so many girls out only to be told nicely that I am not seen that way. Sometimes I sit thinking about the past and I find as much as I detest her now, I miss Kris. She was the worst part of my life and in so many ways she devestated me. Still I miss washing her back and listening about her day. I miss the way she body would brush against my face as she cut my hair. I miss rubbing her back and smelling the vanilla of her hair until she fell asleep at night. I miss being curled against her stomach and holding her. I miss having someone to love. So maybe I don't miss Kris, I just miss the thought of someone. We are not meant to be alone, we are meant to love and be loved. That has to be the truth, if not then what are we here for? Why go through the pain of life, if there is no reward to come home to? Sure I am rather large and I take up doorways. I am six foot three and just over three hundred and fifty pounds. I am big boned. But by the Gods does that mean I am destined to be alone? Will I become one of those guys who accepts the first gift handed his way? When will I be loved? When will I be wanted, needed, cherished, missed, kissed, held, hugged? Just when will i be.... loved? I feel like my life is a running joke filled with a popculture soundtrack. I know more song, tv, and movie references than should be legally allowed, yet I can't tell the difference between too and to. I hated English in school. I couldn't tell you what a past participle is if I had too, but by instinct I know where to end a paragraph. At least in most cases. There have been three dreams that run through my life since I was in my early twenties; The first is that I am at work and a strange man shows up to tell me that there was a mistake and I didn't really graduate. So I have to go back to high school. The second, is that I am being chased by an angry group of people. I started running low to the ground. Then I start using my hands like an animal and begin to run faster. Then I turn to a wolf and lose them. The third, is that the girl I have longed for since forever comes to me and we go off together. You know we all have that one guy or girl that we would drop everything for, but they will never feel the same way about you. What do the dreams have to do with anything in this post? I don't know, but thats the way my mind works. In fragments of scattered thoughts. And tonights qoute. I think this is appropriate; Without you, I'm as lonely as an abandoned dog on the side of a highway. I have gift anxiety, even through I don't know when your birthday is. We can spend perfect days shopping and cleaning together. I swear, I'll never make wisecracks when you scrape your tires against the curb while parallel parking. If you consent to live with me, I'll clean the toilet every week. I'll do it with my tongue if you ask. I will strike the words "hooters" and "love rockets" from my vocabulary. I'll love you. Even if your name is Mimi and you want me to pronounce it "May May". I will only pass gas underneath the covers and under the direst of circumstances. Hell, I'll go on a low cholesterol diet. And I won't buy one of those red sports cars when I hit my mid-life crisis. Your parents can come visit us every week, even if your mom is a witch with a capital B. And your folks don't have to go to a retirement home because they can come live with us. I declare, I'll separate the whites from the colors and learn the mysteries of hot and cold water washes. I'll never huff and puff while waiting for you to put on your makeup. If you're a cat person, I'll never point out the fact that a dog can save your life from drowning, but a cat can't. I will happily go see chick flicks with you, like "Pride and Prejudice". I'll make a point to trying new food like okra gumbo. I won't curl my nose at vegetables whose awful taste is disguised by having cheese on it. I pledge to always say "yes" when you ask, "Is my hair looking okay tonight?" I'm gonna bring a whole new meaning to the word "cuddle". I'll be thoughtful enough to read your horoscope every day. I'm gonna save every birthday card you send me! And I'll actually write you real letters when we're apart. I'm never gonna expect you to know where I left my car keys, and I'll never leave my socks on the floor. With me, you'll find the cap is always on the toothpaste. I'll start wearing those bikini style underwear if you like. My belly button will always be lint free. I want to full-on kiss your clitoris. It will be the most passionate, intimate experience you've ever had. I declare now, I will give my life for you. And if you fail to come to me, I know some part of me will surely die. Mathew (Johnathon Tucker) - 100 Girls I'm tired, good night. edyhdrawde |
| ~Three names you go by: Big Show Larry Hateful (my mom's nickname) ~Three screen names you have had: edyhdrawde Rolandd Edward ~Three physical things you like about yourself: size eyes smile ~Three physical things you don't like about yourself: weight dont know if I can get to three? hmm ~Three parts of your heritage: German American Indian mutt ~Three things that scare you: Sharks my temper SHARKS incase you missed it the first time. ~Three of your everyday essentials: Coke writing.com wow ~Three things you are wearing: shirt sweatpants scowl of concentration ~Three of your favorite bands/singers: kind of a hard category for me, but... Queen Johnny Cash White Stripes ~Three of your favorite songs: again kind of difficult, but ... Hurt by Johnny Cash Dreams to Remember by Delbert McClinton Your Song by Ewan McGregor (Moulin Rouge soundtrack written by Elton John) ~Three things you want in a relationship: Trust Friendship a partner ~Two truths and a lie (in no particular order): I'm a big softy behind the fascade of a scowl I'm an equal oppurtunity racist, I hate everyone. Sharks are kewl ~Three physical things about the opposite (or same) sex that appeal to you: (In the order I look at first) eyes smile lips ~Three of your favorite hobbies: reading writing wow ~Three things you want to do really badly right now: eat some Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie crunch out the rest of Perpetual Rage have dinner ~Three careers you're considering/you've considered: Cook writer bond chaser ~Three places you want to go on vacation: Japan England (love the accent) Ireland ~Three kids' names you like: Gabriella Ariana Elizabeth ~Three things you want to do before you die: finish Perpetual Rage be happy find love ~Three ways that you are stereotypically a boy: I cant find anything in the refrigerator I love Football Women (see my Al Pachino qoute from a few entries ago, somes it up) ~Three ways that you are stereotypically a girl: I cry at movies I love chocolate I would sleep with Angelina Jolie ~Three celeb crushes: Angelina Jolie (der) Jennifer Love Hewitt (smiling eyes) Faruza Balk (not sure why) she was in American History X, Waterboy and the Craft. ~Three people that you would like to see take this test now: anyone that will be honest |
| So have you ever thought something that made you feel bad for thinking it? Well, actually it made you feel bad for not feeling bad. Case in point. My ex-girlfriend's mother recently passed and when I was told about it I felt no remorse or compassion all I thought was "Damn, hell must have needed a new jailer." I didn't feel bad for the thought and thinking ill of the dead. I did however, feel bad for not feeling bad. I find myself wondering is that a complete and thorough hatred of someone? Did all the years when we had problems and I let Kris paint me as the bad guy so her mother wouldn't know what an evil little biscuit her daughter was make me feel that way toward the mother? Did my utter dispising of her daughter make me pass my hatred along the family line? How will I feel when Kris dies? A few years back when her father passed, I cried at his funeral. At his graveside I swore to take care of his little girl and my tears sealed the bond. Until she tapped danced on my heart anyway. I do wonder now, do my thoughts about her passing make me evil? Have I helped design my own chair in hell? Do I really feel bad that I didn't feel bad? Something to think about. I am now writing chapters five and six of Perpetual Rage at the same time. I am doing this because they are in two different tones; one about the death of his girlfriend, the other with the doctors. I have started to worry about wether or not I am keeping Eddye's character the same through out. While it is not bad for the character to grow, if the character changes too much will I be able to tell the story I envision, or has Eddye grown so much that I am telling the story he wants told. I think I have a collaborator now and that could be a good thing. I may be going crazy. What do you think? I don't know what today's qoute should be, but I can quess; Yes. Well, I-I don't know. Sometimes it would stop raining long enough for the stars to come out... and then it was nice. It was like just before the sun goes to bed down on the bayou. There was always a million sparkles on the water... like that mountain lake. It was so clear, Jenny, it looked like there were two skies one on top of the other. And then in the desert, when the sun comes up, I couldn't tell where heaven stopped and the earth began. It's so beautiful. Forrest Gump (Tom Hanks) - Forrest Gump I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is. edyhdrawde Keep writing, keep reading |
| So today the fog in my mind finally cleared away and Eddye spoke to me again. I am now ready to write the next chapter for Perpetual Rage; Dreams to Remember. I was just sitting at work today and the idea came to me and it was like the clouds parted and the light shined down. Thanks the Gods. The first chapter of my "writing assignment" also became clear. It was a good day. Now I know where I went wrong and will have to rearrange some things but I am happy with it now, So I can post on August first.
I also started writing the first chapter of The Price of Vengeance. Because, you know, I just don't have enough to write. Well as they say when it rains it pours. My writer's block left and alot of stuff floaded my head.
So people have responded positively to Why Do I Write? It is interesting to know what drives others to write. I would be interested in knowing if anyone wants to drop a note.
Well I am tired, so it is off to sleep, I just wanted to share the news of my lifted block. And I have to think what qoute can I leave you with tonight; Just a dog? Porthos dreams of being a bear, and you want to shatter those dreams by saying he's just a dog? What a horrible candle-snuffing word. That's like saying, He can't climb that mountain, he's just a man, or That's not a diamond, it's just a rock. Just. J.M. Barre (Johnny Depp)- Finding Neverland So if you need me, look to the sky. I shall be right there; Second star to the left and on 'til morning. edyhdrawde Keep writing Keep reading |
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I took a look and it seems interesting.
