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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| So recently my words have come out more that a little sad. I am not depressed during the day or even when I look through the website at the writings of my growing group of friends here at WDC. When I sit down to write in my BLOG my mind wanders to the darker corners of my mind. When I try to write, again I find myself in the darker corners. I have written two short pieces that I will hopefully be posting sometime later this morning, "Suicide is Painless" and "Happy Birthday, baby". I read through them and I can see the depression clear enough, yet I do not feel depressed. October is always hard for me and the closer it gets to the month the further along I slip. The daughter I never knew would have been born in that month. My ex-girlfriend never understood why it bothered me so much that my child was aborted. Near the end of our relationship she even went so far as to say that I might not have been that childs father. Our parents had known eachother for years, going back before I was even born. Our relationship started out innocently enough, with me watching her turn cartwheels out in the front yard of her house, which was beside my father's house. I remember playing flashlight tag one summer night and kissing her behind a tree. We started going "steady" shortly after. At first I refused to date her. For one, she was just over two years younger than me. Secondly, I was afraid that if anything happened in our relationship that it would cause problems with the friendship of our parents. As it turned out I was right on that theory. It seems that my mind was always too mature for my own good. I mean how many boys that age would think more about his parents losing friends than dating a pretty young girl? Even after we had been dating for a while and my parents seperated again for the final time, I pulled away from my ex because I didn't want the samething to happen to us. I didn't want years to pass and realize that we made mistakes by marrying our childhood sweathearts like my parents did. But I have jumped ahead just a bit here. One day I find out that she had fainted at the grocery store. When I went over to see how she was, her father tried to attack me through the screen door. I was then told that I could no longer see my ex. By the end of the weekend she was sent to stay with her sister and she recieved the abortion while she was there. I knew nothing about it until it was over and she returned home. Her parents refused to let us be together and in hindsight I blame that as the reason we stayed together for eight years. In trying to keep us apart they pushed us together. While we were not allowed to see eachother we would sneak time on the phone and whenever her mom came in the room I would hand the phone to my mom and my ex would say that my mom had just called to talk to her mom. Once I found out about the abortion I wanted to pay for at least half of it. As soon as I did so, we were allowed to see eachother again. So were we able to go to her senior prom together. When she graduated she moved to her sisters again to go to beauty school. Once a month I would go visit her and I would give her some money so she could do things there. Afterward we moved to Virginia Beach and we lived together for five years. A year after living together she cheated on me with one of my best friends. She became pregnant by this married man. After they told me of their affair and love for eachother he went back to his wife, the very same night. I left her as she stated that she didn't and could never love me again. We got back together shortly after and I told her that I loved her and would raise the baby as my own. She miscarried a few months later. From that point on there was four years of denial on my part. Never again in all that time did she tell me that she loved me, although I told her I loved her every morning, noon and night. Everynight when she came home from work dinner would be waiting for her. I used to rub her back everynight until she fell asleep. I used to give her bubble baths and let her sit there in the tub while I washed her. I would sit some nights and try to write and she would tell me that it was garbage and I had no talent. She used to state that her friends never came over because they did not like me. That I had no real friends and everyone talked about me when I wasn't around. I would sit there and I would take it. I never raised my hand to her in anger, I would just sit there and listen to her berate me. Believe me when I say that I was not all innocent in this endeavor. After she cheated on me the first time she said it was because of money problems and I wasn't making enough money to cover bills. So I began lying to her. I got a new job and told her I made more than I did. I would lie about bills being paid and pay them a little at a time so we were always behind. I would not say a thing about needing money while she spent most of what she made from her job on clothes. I lied to keep her, I lied to love her, I lied because I was afraid to be without her. Of course it caught up with me. After a few years I got myself straight, I was working two jobs so that she could have her money from work and bills would still get paid. It was already too late, I just didn't know it. It was raining on our eighth anniversary. I had made a nice dinner for us, she said it tasted bad and refused to eat. Our bedroom was covered with rose petals and candles, she complained about the mess. With every word she spoke my heart would break a little more. Then she told me that she was tired of the lies and she couldn't take being with me anymore. She wanted time alone to figure out what she wanted out of life. She said she couldn't live her life with a fat loser, that no one liked. She said she wanted friends and with me she could not have any. She said that she never loved me and I disgusted her. I was devastated, so I left with an engagement ring in my pocket. I drove down the street to my brother's house and told him that she wanted me to leave, but I wanted him to check up on her because she was there all alone. My best friend moved in a week later. There was a time when I loved her. There was a time when I would die to protect her. There was a time when I held her as she cried for the death of her father. There was a time when I cried for the miscarried baby from another man because of the pain it caused her. When we were young she was so beautiful and I counted myself lucky that she chose me. She chose me. I loved her laugh and the love in her eyes. I loved to hold her and make love to her. I loved her smell and her touch and her kiss and her smile and her, her. Her essence, her soul. I know it is wrong, but I hate her now with a passion that few people can know. I wish her nothing but turmoil and dispair. I wish her nothing but agony and betrayal. I gave her everything I had and she ripped it asunder and threw it to the wind. She laughed as my soul blew away. When she told me that the baby she aborted might not have been mine there was joy in her eyes at my pain. She enjoyed it. I lover her....once. I don't think it fits but oh well; Childhood is what you spend the rest of your life trying to overcome. That's what momma always says. She says that beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad, but it's the middle that counts the most. Try to remember that when you find yourself at a new beginning. Just give hope a chance to float up. And it will... Birdie Pruitt (Sandra Bullock) - Hope Floats |
| Well this will be real real quick. I just wanted everyone to know that the Torses are back home at WDC. Okay not as kewl as the folkd over at CCNN, but dang it all I am happy. |
For all of you who suggested my entry before last should be stand alone. Well, here...
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| Well the word from Texas is good TOR went outside and single handedly made Rita back down. I was glad to here that they were doing fine from the fine reporters at CCNN!! I cannot seem to escape the mood that I have been in for the last few days. I'm sure it will pass soon. I hope anyway. It seems that my entry from yesterday struck a nerve with a few people. I even got some e-mails that were not comments. I try to keep my personal stuff from out of the BLOG and just use it to gripe about my writing, but the Beast in my chest keeps wanting to say something. He still has more to say, but I won't let him. I mean CC has the corner on Advil's I don't need the corner on Kleenex. lol. In the words of Theoden, from Lord of the Rings, "Dark have been my dreams of late". My thoughts are coming out disjounted as you can tell from this entry. I am just rambling from one thing to another. Sometimes I sit here looking at my computer screen and I want to scream out with my words my life story. Alas, I do not, for there is enough sadness in the world so I shall keep mine to myself. Well, except when it leaks out. lol. I spoke with the lady tonight and our conversation was stilted and difficult. I feel like a kid again, afraid to overstep my bounds or say the wrong thing. I know that she is having her own issues with her divorce, but I want to tell her that I love her. Yet, I know that that would be the wrong thing to do. What do you do when your emotions are on your sleeve? What do you do when you open a door for a lady and recieve a look as if you had just spit in her face? See there I go again, leakage. That is not what I wanted tonight. Well here we go. This is the landscape of my mind; disjointed, confused, and rambling. I think I have even confused myself, what was tonights topic? I lost it somewhere. Man even the entry title doesn't match. Qoute; Have you never met a woman who inspires you to love? Until your every sense is filled with her? You inhale her. You taste her. You see your unborn children in her eyes and know that your heart has at last found a home. Your life begins with her, and without her it must surely end. Don Juan (Johnny Depp) - Don Juan DeMarco |
| I miss Johnny Cash, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, John Belushi, John Candy, Jimmy Stewart, my cousin James, my first best-friends Jimmy and David, ex-girlfriends Keisha, Ann Marie, Dawn, Kristy, Joy, Christine, Heather, Melissa, Dedra, DeAnna, and Kathy. I miss not knowing that I am not immortal, not knowing there was more to life than comics and baseball cards, big sunday dinners, the smell of fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy, fried apples, the smell of honeysuckle and fresh mowed grass on a summer night. I miss the daughter (Samantha Renea) who my ex-girlfriend was made to give to abortion by her parents (she would have been sixteen next month). I miss the life I could have had. I love my family, my friends, movies, music, reading, writing, food, chocolate, raisenettes, lemonheads, potatoes, carrots and onions cooked with a pot roast, fishing, football, a certain lady and her son, amusing myself, making love in the rain, making love slow, gentle and full of heat (anyone can have sex), the female form, eyes (Especially those that smile), a woman in glasses, a woman fresh out of the shower, in lingerie, a wife-beater, sweatpants, jeans with no back pockets, asleep. I love that all of my ex-girlfriends have found happiness. I love that one of them hasn't. No one should be alone, except that one. I hate a woman in high heels, in heavy make-up, stupidity, ignorance and racism (we have too much of that in this country), people who hate others because they do not understand them (wether because of culture, religion or sexual preference), the times we live in, that you can tell most people what their opinion should be, the media, reality TV, pretty people who are ugly inside, that the American Indian culture is fading away, that I can't find where I came from, a woman being mistreated, a woman crying, a woman putting up with mistreatment, that people judge a book by it's cover, that I have never seen the world. I hate that every night I am alone, that if I cried in the rain no one would know, that I fall asleep every night holding a pillow and not a significant other, that I no longer have a back to rub, dinner to make, lips to kiss, hands to hold. I hate that there is so much love to give and no one to recieve it. I hate that the nights I feel like this outnumber the days that I don't. Qoute; There was a moment...when I used to blame everything and everyone...for all the pain and suffering and vile things that happened to me, that I saw happen to my people. Used to blame everybody. Blamed white people, blamed society, blamed God. I didn't get no answers 'cause I was asking the wrong questions. You have to ask the right questions. Has anything you've done made your life better? Bob Sweeney (Avery Brooks) - American History X |
| Before everyone thinks I have gone of the deep end of seriousness ala PlannerDan and sometimes Tor, this entry will be light hearted. lol. What a difference a week makes. Just over a week ago my Great Uncle died and I could not get more than ten views of my portfolio's, including my BLOG, if I paid someone. Now I am getting between 40 and 50 views a day. What happened in that week? Did I suddenly become metal and the WDC world become magnets? Peculiar I would say. I am glad to hear that all my WDC pals in Texas made it okay;Jim, Terryjroo, PlannerDan, and a few others I have forgotten and will be yelled at for later. Of course I still have yet to hear about Tor and Mel, but that is probably because that CC just has not posted yet. My contest has gotten over 85 views this week and my BLOG has gotten 84. THe rest of my portfolio has gotten 248 views. So that is 73 views for the week before and 248 for this week. I just find that strange. lol. For todays qoute lets go funny; Don't let me stand in your way, please don't let me stand in your way. The last thing I want to be remembered as is an annoying blabbermouth... You know, nothing grinds my gears worse than some chowderhead that doesn't know when to keep his big trap shut... If you catch me running off with my mouth, just give me a poke on the chubbs... Del (John Candy) - Planes, Trains, and Automobiles |
| It's funny how when you are a kid words people fling at you, wether from friends, passers-by, or even parents, can cause the greatest hurt. That does not really change as you grow older, I think you just learn to hide it better. I, myself have worn a mask of humor for most of my life to hide the pain and loneliness in my heart. Today I watched as a mother told her daughter that she was going to grow up to be a slut like her sister. Now, at first glance I appear an ogre of uncaring and as I used to people when I did security work, I am an equal oppurtunity racist, I hate everybody. That is all part of the mask I have always hid behind. While I am 6'3" and over three hundred pounds, and I do appear not in the least bit jovial, I am a teddy bear in disguise. When I saw this "mother" treating her daughter this way I wanted to scream for the pain this child was keeping inside. I wanted to be the voice to condemn this "mother" for the words she was flinging at her daughter, in the middle of a crowded mall no less. Instead I watched as people walked by whispering behind their hands, while this child probably wanted to crawl under the nearest rock. I watched a woman today hand her son over to, whom I assume, was her ex-husband (or they may have been seperated). The man said some nasty thing to her before walking off with his son leaving her behind to cry before the world. What has the world become? Did this mother expect that by belittling her little girl before the world she would change? Did that man take pride in bringing a woman he used to love to tears? I see these things and my heart breaks. I am not the uncaring ogre I appear to be. So hear I sit now getting ready for bed and all I can think about is what is that little girl doing right now? Where is that mother who was crying to see her son leave? Is Mel and Tor okay? Is Dan and wife all right? Is everyone else I have met here that lives in Texas okay? While New Orleans do okay with this new bout of rain they will undoubtably recieve? Did CC ever find the Butt Covers? I don't know if I hmade much sense with this BLOG entry, but I am troubled by what I see of the world around me. I dont think I have anything else to say right now. But if you can stop by this blog and say hello to a lady who could use some voices from the wilderness. If not for me, than for her.
For all those in the path of Rita and for all those in surrounding areas, a moment of silence.... |
This will just be a quick entry. I ran across a BLOG last night that touched my heart. A few days ago Mel posted an entry about someone who needed to hear other voices. Now it is my turn. lol. I would like to ask all my friends here and anyone else to stop by tok please go and visit this lady for me. Her middle daughter is bi-polar. I think she feels alone in the world and could use the pick me up. Thanks for dropping in on her.
I shall return, but later. |
| I have been a part of this community for a little over three months and it has been wonderful for me. I write constantly and I have seen what other styles are out there. Still not a big fan of Poetry though, lol. I think some of the best writing I have found on this site is in the BLOGs. There is humor, drama, sadness, romance, reality, horror, and things that make you think about yourself and the world around you. I find that really and truly amazing. The most amazing thing I have found here is the feeling of family. Who could ahve known that Tor and PlannerDan meeting would change my life. I read the stpry of their first meeting and it was hilarious, which led to reading Mel's version, which lead to reading Dan's version. That in turn lead to CC, which led to Scarlett, which led to Nada, which led to Mavis, which on and on. So the rank and file of my BLOGGY read have expanded passed my BLOG ring and passed the few people I had corresponded with. That is not a bad thing, it's a good thing. I have now met people from every corner of the globe here. It's amazing the far reaches of this little website I stumbled onto by accident. I love this site and through that I have created special relationships with people I will probably never ever met in person. This is leading somewhere, just hold on. RIght now Rita is bearing down on Texas, while I am not one to watch the news because of the sensationalizing media, I have been watching the storm. That is because I find myslef worried for Tor and Mel. I sit her now at just past eleven and I know the storm is moving closer and closer. With every inch my heart worries more and more. I am not a religious man by any stretch of the imagination, but it is funny in times of worry and fret it is to prayer we turn. I have taking a great deal of liking toward Tor and Mel, because they have offered me heartfelt advice and shown concern about my life and they have introduced me to a whole new world of people who I must read about everyday. IF you have read any of my writing, storywise that is, you will notice I tend to look at things in a darker slant. My childhood was not happy, nor sad, it just was. I feel as if I have been alone for most of my life, but Mel and Tor have shown an interest where other ignore or pass by. So with every passing moment until Rita is gone I will be praying for them and looking for their next BLOG entry. Qoute; We are not enemies, but friends. We must not be enemies. Though passion may have strained we must not break our bonds of affection. The mystic chords of memory will swell when again touched, as surely they will be by the better angels of our nature. Danny Vinyard (Edward Furlong) - American History X |
| If there isn't a WDC anonymous there needs to be. Hello my name is retard and I am addicted to WDC. Jeezum crow man, I complain about being spread thin, then I go and create a contest that I hopefully will need lots of time to judge. By the by I am already over 60 hits for the contest in just two days. That's kind of kewl, ya know. Hey stop getting me off track. So first I create a contest. Now I have gone and entered two with two more coming. I will officially state that I am addicted. Do I mind? not at all. I am loving it. I haven't been this excited about writing since I first startd writing when I was 14. It's all I want to talk about and all I want to do. My contest;
Contests I have entered or am going to enter;
My entries so far;
Well I think I will be going now I have ports to read and I haven't even started on TOR's suggested reading list from Saturday night yet. Jeez and here I go entering and making contest. My head needs to be examined. I still have to finish reading Tor's book and PlannerDan's book. God I need help. I haven't even started on Mavis' book. I wanna cry now.
I have to go I think someone posted a new contest. Please someone help me. Stop the madness. Tor and Madam Tor I will be thinking of you guys until that hoorrible Rita is gone. Godspeed. Qoute; The only thing that matters is the ending. It's the most important part of the story. And this one, is very good. This one is perfect. Mort Rainey (Johnny Depp) - Secret Window |
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