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 |  I write, therefore I am |
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I write, therefore I am. I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough. PLUGS:
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| And so I have gone against better judgement and have moved down a divergent path to what I said I would do. I have started an outline for Perpetual Rage. I know I said I do not use outlines, but I was informed that if I did not create an outline to see where my vision is taking me most likely I would not finish the story. People have tried to get me to take creative writing classes and I have steadfastly refused, because I do not want someone to tell me how to write. Now I am writing an outline. Will the world survive? There is a story that I want to tell with Perpetual Rage, but I do wonder will I be able to maintain the strength of the character without becoming a caricature of him. There is a lot of myself poured into that opening chapter. I just hope I can continue to tell the story without weakining the flow. Now on to other things. Be prepared this is pretty longwinded. Sadly, it is my job to inform those of you concerned, that there was not a phone conversation between myself and the lady tonight. How do I feel about that, you ask? Well, not as bad as you would expect. Before I continue I must drudge up some of my past to shine the light on the future. My parents seperated when I was around twelve years old. They had dated since high school, but my mother had an affair with a true bastard of a man. Every now and then my mother will ask me if I had a happy childhood. I smile and tell her yes. I don't want to tell her that most of my childhood is painful memories. Memories of my father slamming her against the wall trying to force her to stay. Memories of standing in the rain on some strange guys porch begging her to come home. Those are my memories; pain and sadness. I have practically raised myself from the age of twelve to sixteen when the patched things up for a bit. As I have stated before, the lady and I have dated off and on for more than half my life now. God how time flies. In between those times there was another woman in my life. She came after me and fought for my interest. Our families were long time friends and I refused to date her for the fact that I did not want something that happened between us to affect the friendship of our parents. She said that I was being silly. Perhaps I was, but I have always been wider than my ears and wise to the stupidity of my fellow man. When our relationship finally fell apart our parents friendship was lost. I really hate being right. Anyway, when I was seventeen this girl became pregnant and our families forbid us from seeing eachother. They sent her out of town with relatives and she was given an abortion. We were not allowed to see eachother again until I paid for the entire thing. We her parents wrong in what they did? I don't know, who am I to judge. I will say this however, if they had let things run their course I do not think we would have stayed together as long as we did. I think it was done more out of spite than enything else. While we were together she told me that I was a terrible writer and had little or no talent. Over time I came to believe her. I loved her as much as my heart would allow, which was a great deal. It seems as if I have spent my entire life trying to find the love I missed as a young teenager. Maybe someday I will find it. As I say I did love her. I used to have her dinner waiting for her when she came home. Whenever any troubles presented themselves in or relationship, I let her parents believe that I was the culprit, even when she became pregnant by my best friend and he parenst believed it was mine. She miscarried over the stress of the situation, and the sad thing is I loved her so much I would have raised that child as my own. Everynight I used to rub her back until she fell asleep. There is a fine line between love and hate. Believe me what I feel for her now, could in no way be considered love. As I said a few paragraphs back. To understand the future you must see the past. As I also said there was no phone call tonight between me and the lady. The true love and light of my soul. The one who I would drop everything for if she would but ask. Now believe me when I say that this is not a bad thing, it is a good thing. I was working today, one of my half days. While I was organizing the calendars for the kiosk opening tomorrow, (yes it is near that Christmas time again), a voice floated upon the air to my ears. Can you guess who it was? The voice said unto me, "Do I even get a hug hello?" I turned and before me she stood as radiant as any angel would have a right to be. She tilted her head with a smile in that way she has and held out her arms. Smiling like the fool that I am and walked into her arms. It was a heaven that I have rarely felt. I held her for a moment and breathed in deeply of her hair. She smelled of lilacs and honeysuckle. I could have died right then and my life would have been complete. I pulled away from her and man that I am "I guess this means no phone call tonight." She laughed and said, "Well if that is the way you feel I could go home and call you." Then there is the sly fox that I am, "If you are going to leave do I get another hug?" She stepped to me and again I wanted to die. "I'm glad you came to see me." I whispered against her hair. I kissed her neck through her hair and she froze. Now in case you were not aware and are new to the Days of my Life. The lady is in the midst of a divorce from a man I told her was not perfect for her. Our last words before her marriage were angry and hateful. I told her that no man who could not love her son could ever love her. So she froze and I thought I had ruined any chance I would ever have. "I'm sorry." She smiled and pulled away, "There is nothing to be sorry for." She said that she had to leave for a bit but would like to have dinner. Of course I agreed. At dinner things were like they were in those days of long ago. Things were nice and cozy. We were comfortable with eachother as if we had never been apart. After dinner we talked about the former woman of mine and how much she never liked her. I shared with her my renewed interest in writing and how even after seven years of being apart from the other woman It was not until recently within the last year that I began to write again. I told her that I did not think anything I write is any good, but I do it for to please me and no one else. She took my hand with both of hers and bade me look deep into her eyes. "Never let anyone tell you that you have no talent, not even yourself. I still have every letter you ever written me and even now all these years later I occasionally read them. No one has ever spoken to me that way, except you." My heart nearly melted and we left soon after. She gave me a lift back to my house and we sat in the car for a few minutes not really talking just absorbing what was happening. After a few minutes she said that she really had to go home. I could not speak. I could not move. I said the only thing that I could think to say. "I am sorry." She smiled and asked me what for? "You have been one of the most important things in my life. For as long as I can remember, part of me has wanted to be with you. There is hardly a night that goes by that I do not dream of you. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of you. I would gladly give my life just for you to have a moment of happiness." She smiled and there was a little moisture in her eye. "You know that I am going through this mess with retard (my word not hers) and I am not ready to jump into a realtionship right away, but I would like to take things slow. To see if we can catch up for lost time." She said again that she had to leave and she asked if she could have a hug. I leaned toward her and gave her one of those car hugs. I didnot want to let go. We seperated alittle but stayed close. I did the only thing I could think of to do. I kissed her. It was not a lustful, raging kiss of desire. It was a sad, mournful kiss of days lost. It was a warm, hopefully kiss of what the future could hold. It seemed to last forever, but it was rather quick. She was so hot against my lips and she tasted like pepermint. She wiped a tear from my eye and said to me "Really?" I touched the side of her face and said, "It would seem so." I asked her to call me when she got home so I would know she got home safely. She called a little while ago and we talked for an hour. Things went pretty well it would seem and look I still got my phone call. Well if you have made it this far you have a strong stomach for my sappy longwindedness. I don't think I have the strength for a qoute tonight. |
| So I have spent a few days with the dread of all writers. That's right, boys and girls. Writer's block. As magically as it appeared it is gone. I was able to finish two partial chapters. One for my uncompleteable on time Writing Assignment. The other for Price of Vengeance. "Invalid Item"  by A Guest Visitor Well it seems that everyone is either on vacation or returning from one. I guess it is that time of the year. And my fingers are crossed the the wonderful Torses do not kill eachother in the process. I'm not choosing sides just saying glad I am not there to see the carnage. lol. Well not much to say other than what I have said. So we chall end with a qoute from one of my most favorite movies; You look down, they know you're lying and up, they know you don't know the truth. Don't use seven words when four will do. Don't shift your weight, look always at your mark but don't stare, be specific but not memorable, be funny but don't make him laugh. He's got to like you then forget you the moment you've left his side. And for God's sake, whatever you do, don't, under any circumstances... Rusty (Brad Pitt) - Ocean's Eleven May your nightmares give you inspiration. |
| I have seen beauty in an oceanic sunrise, compared to the beauty of your smile it is nothing. I have heard beauty in the flutter of ahumingbird's wings, compared to the beauty of your voice it is nothing. I have tasted the beauty of a rose's dew, compared to the taste of your lips it is nothing. I have lived the beauty of life, compared to living in the shadow of your love it is nothing. I have seen, heard, tasted and lived beauty, compared to being without your love I am nothing. Well folks that is as poetic as I get. I know it is not much of a BLOG post, but it was something in my mind. In the words of Tor and PlannerDan, the wimmins have been getting on my case about my phone reactions from the other night. I just have one thing to say; I am a guy, I don't know any better. The ladies son came into my store with his uncle today, and I must say that boy is getting big. He is just thirteen, but jeezum crow. It's hard to believe that this is the same kid who used to sleep on my chest while I waited for his mother to come home. So Lady Tor and Madam Terryjroo, I have a phone date set with the lady for Wednesday night, I mean we do live a good eighty miles away from eachother at the moment. Perhaps I will not be filled with so much machoness, but no promises. Tonight's qoute. Let's see if I can find something that fits; I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it. One. Seth (Nicholas Cage) - City of Angels |
| So tonight I get a phone call, from the lady. She tells me that something has come up and she will not be able to see me Saturday after all. Is this a sign? Has my feelings from sixteen years ago been for naught? So we talked for awhile, me hiding my disappointment behind a laugh and a smile. I could have just sat there eyes closed and drifted off into contentment listening to her voice. We are both thirty-four now, but I swear with my eyes closed I still see the teenage girl I fell for. I know that kind of sounds like something your grandparents would say, but it is true. When I hear her voice I still see the insecure little girl she used to be. I don't see the mother and career woman she is. I still see the girl who would walk through halls with her books held tight to her chest, moving through the world with a shy smile. Finally we readied to get off of the phone, and she asked me a question. She says unto me, "You don't seem that upset that you won't see me." To her I says, "Well I am, but I understand that things happen they cannot be helped." I wanted to scream at the unfairness, to howl at the moon in agony. As we got off the phone she told me to call her so we could talk and maybe make plans to get together again. "Of course," I say. Then she asks me, "Do you ever wish that things were different? Do you wish that we had stayed together?" Man that I am, I say, "From time to time." My mind is saying be cool, but my heart is screaming tell her "Everyday.", tell her with ever dream you still are together. "From time to time." is all I can say. We say goodbye and before she let's me go. She says, "I miss you." and is gone. Will I sleep now? I laugh for my heart would break if not. At least I know she has thought of me and she misses me. I have no idea for a movie qoute tonight. Let's see; I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. Harry Burns (Billy Crystal) - When Harry Met Sally |
| Some how while I was on vacation I seemed to have pulled a muscle on my side. I guess so much inactivity was stressfull on my body. That is now my offcial excuse for my current writer's block. Anyway I have spend the last few entries moaing over a past love. Just before I was so wisely told to do so by one of the fine wedded couples (being the Tor'ses) of this fine site, I called and spoke with her for a few minutes. We are planning on having a nice dinner and discussion after my family reunion this weekend. I get to make dinner and she gets to do the talking most likely, but isn't that how it goes.
It would seem that my mind is tired of dreaming about her as well, or maybe it is that I have called her. For the first time in nearly a week I dreamt of something other than her. I wish I could remember everything clearly so I could make a story out of it it was a rather neat dream.
Anywho I am off to one of my favorite passtimes, the movies. We have passes to a sneak preview of Terry Gilliam's Brothers Grimm. So in honor of this momentous occasion. A qoute; You don't frighten us, English pig dogs. Go and boil your bottoms, you sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called "Arthur King," you and all your silly English Ka-nig-its. Monty Python and the Holy Grail |
| I have been blocked the lst few days from writing. Everything I put to paper comes out utter garbage and I cannot maintain my train of thought for more than a few minutes. I guess it is time to dig out the ol' Jackhammer again and bang my way through it. Still I am dreaming of the ex-girlfriend who I spokee of in last entry. If you are interested and maybe you can interprut the dreams;
Well my vacation is offer and I have returned to work, minus the anger I felt before I left. That is a good thing. I was worried that I would return just as I left. Well I think that is a bout it, not much to say. Can't write. Dreaming of the same girl. Maybe I should call her? No anger left over from before vacation. My life in a nutshell. But before I leave a funny story. Recently I went to a birthday party for a friend. It was about eight of us that went. We were sitting in the living room eating and this little boy comes in to eat with us. He is probably between two and three. So he is eating his corn on the cob and he says, loudly, "Guys!" Of course we keep talking and he goes, "Guys!" So now we stop and look at him. He looks around the room, "Guys!" Then he looks our friend Dan in the face and goes, "Guys! The Elephants!" He goes back to eating and doesn't say anything. After about five minutes he does it again. That was about the coolest thing I have seen in a while, not to mention as funny as all get out. So for todays qoute. SInce I didn't leave one on my last post I thought I would leave one from an under appreciated movie; And shepherds we shall be, for thee my Lord for thee, Power hath descended forth from thy hand, that our feet may swiftly carry out thy command, we shall flow a river forth to thee, and teeming with souls shall it ever be. In nomine patris, et filii, et spiritus sancti. The Brothers McManus (Sean Patrick Flannery, Norman Reedus) - The Boondock Saints |
| Be damned the agonies of the heart. To wonder through life with regrets of the past. I have dreamed of her alot of late. I watch as she smiles, waves, walks and even in dreams I hate the agony it causes. I want to call to her in dreams and in reality. In both I am afraid. Is it better to fantasize about what could have been? Is it better to speak with her and answer questions as old as time? How much sand is left in my hourglass of life? Aching I long to be with her. I long to whisper sweet nothings against the soft rise of her stomach. I long to treat everything about her as my own. I long to have all that is mine be hers. Alas, I do nothing but sit here and ache. Is that what there is to life? To sit and regret the one that cannot be yours? I dream of her, can that be enough? Are the moments spent with her in a dream the only precious times I will have with her? Oh, to regret the errors of the past. Do I cross her mind as she does mine? Does she dream as I dream? I am afraid to know. Afraid to ask, Afraid to call. Does she ever long for past days? Does she regret errors of the past? At times I wonder.... |
Well it would seem that my goal of a piece posted a day is well on it's way to coming true. Now if I can just keep it up.
If that is not enough to keep you occupied I highly recomend these two pieces. For Terryjroo's piece e-mail me and I will give you the gold key to read it. It out being considered for publication. We are so prooud of our little Terry. lol
Second, I reviewed a piece today that showed me a little about the Islam religion. Dr. Taher also has a book published on Pediatrics.
I think that is all I hvae to say for the night. So we shall qoute and be gone. My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions, loyal servant to the true emperor, Marcus Aurelius. Father to a murdered son, husband to a murdered wife. And I will have my vengeance, in this life or the next. Maximus (Russel Crowe) - Gladiator edyhdrawde Keep writing keep reading
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| And so it is that I have returned to rant and rave. What about you may ask? Well I don't know what about. I have nothing to rant about so I guess I shall Rave. I am on vacation for the next seven days. That's what I said seven whole days of no work, no mall, no customers, no people except the ones I want to see. I do have a goal for my vacation, besides catching up on reviews. My goal is to put up one chapter or short story a day. I plan eight in total. Will it happen? Doubtful. WIll I give it my best? Damn skippy. First up is my piece for "Invalid Item" titled,
I over-wrote the piece by 400 words and had to cut it back down to at least 1000. I got it down to 969. This was my first attempt at editing any of my pieces and it killed mem but it read better when all the fat was trimmed. Still, it killed me. Next I plan to put up my rewrite for Perpetual Rage Chapter 1. I don't know if I can edit it as well. I think I will need help with that one. lol. That will be followed by the next two parts for "The Writing Assignment" . My novella assignment is called, Get Behind Me Satan.
The next two parts will be called; The Nurse and My Doorbell. After that I don't know. I need to finish chapter three of Price of Vengeance as well. I still find it weird that everyone see,s to like Detective Price so much.
And finally, after reading Mr. Philthy's Dream Journal (see Member Blogs) I have decided to make my own.
Oh well I have raved enough. The qoute for tonight shall be; You can just feel the details. The bits and pieces you never bothered to put into words. And you can feel these extreme moments... even if you don't want to. You put these together, and you get the feel of a person. Enough to know how much you miss them... and how much you hate the person who took them away. Leonard SHelby (Guy Pierce) - Memento Peace edyhdrawde Keep writing keep reading |
It's funny when you write you put a piece of your heart into every character you create, hero or villian or background. People read your stuff then they say things like "Hey man this is good." Then you get the compliments from people like I have recieved for Price of Vengeance recently; the characters seem real because they aren't perfect, the situation seems realistic, It pulled me in and I want to see more. Man, you know that is what you write for. Those things put a smile on your face, alittle giddyup in your getalong, and they make the agonizing moments when things don't seem to be goind right worth it.
Then you get compliments for you blog and you're like wow someone actually reads these besides me. Sweet. Some people even seem to like the movie qoutes, which I do more for myself than anyone else. But hey man kick ass right? And to the left there are a few blogs I read everday they post because they are enjoyable to me. Escpecially SkyIsFalling and Tor those two always kick my ass and make my day alittle lighter. Everynow and then you read something that really speaks to you and you want everyone to know about it. I read such a thing today and I want everyone to leave here right now, just make sure you come back, and read these two stories. Flip sides of the same coin as it were. And drop a review while you are at it.
Finally something else happened that made my day. I mean it really made me smile and want to slap my momma. I recieved an email from W.D. Wilcox today and my prologue for the Chronicles of Gatean will be in the next Fantasy Newsletter. You know what it might not be published published but whatever man stop trying to piss in my cornflakes.
So it's been a pretty good day so far. I feel like a writer today. Weird man weird. Well why you are at it and I am plugging away why not stop by and see W.D. he has lots to say. Here is one of my favorites.
And for todays qoute; He lets the last Hungarian go. He waits until his wife and kids are in the ground and then he goes after the rest of the mob. He kills their kids, he kills their wives, he kills their parents and their parents' friends. He burns down the houses they live in and the stores they work in, he kills people that owe them money. And like that he was gone. Underground. Nobody has ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. "Rat on your pop, and Keyser Soze will get you." And no-one ever really believes. Verbal (Kevin Spacey) - Usual Suspects And so I go.... edyhdrawde Keep writing keep reading |
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I took a look and it seems interesting.
