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Bare and uncensored personal expression. Beware!!! |
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** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "This is pretty much what journals are all about, at least to me. I knew as I wrote them that even though they provided an excellent place for brain (and heart, and psyche) dump, they were mainly a map of me." --- Colleen Wainwright "Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it." --- David Sedaris "Please write again soon. Though my own life is filled with activity, letters encourage momentary escape into others lives and I come back to my own with greater contentment." --- Elizabeth Forsythe Hailey "In giving of myself onto these pages every day I allow myself to write regardless of the depth and meaning. I share myself with others without fear of recrimination for these are my thoughts, my feelings and my very being, and there are non who's opinion of me matters more than my own." --- Rebecca Laffar-Smith   The Writer's Round-About |
Today being Tuesday I knew that I would focus on "Invalid Item"  The week ends on Monday WDC time and I have to wrap up the week, judge, award, write and post next weeks lesson. This week I'd been struggling to decide if I'd continue hosting the workshop. I seriously don't like trying to lead. I don't feel like a leader. I don't like people looking at me as if I know what I'm talking about.I'm still a student. I'm not a pro at this. Sure I've had a few poems published and I'm rather proud of my poetry but I'm still a novice. I don't know what I'm doing for the most part and I definately don't know it well enough to teach. It's like "Those who can't do, teach." I feel like "Those who can, don't teach!" So because I feel like I write passable poetry I shouldn't attempt to teach it. Today I've struggled against anxiety all day simply because I was dealing with this issue. The idea of writing this damn lesson makes me sick to the stomach. You know how some people fear public speaking? It's debilitating. You freeze up, nothing seems to function, your hands shake, breath gets short and you start to feel fuzzy in the head as if the world doesn't really exist. That's right, SERIOUSLY BAD ANXIETY ATTACK! I was freaking out and I kept trying and trying to talk to myself logically and I called in the troops to try and talk me down from these freak outs. Even talking about it right now like this I can feel it building again. I'm seriously terrified. Why is it so hard? Am I making it worse on myself by overanalysing it? Forge managed to help me through the idea of giving up the workshop but now I think if I can't bring myself to write the lessons there will be no workshop. Why should it bring such dread? Sure, this week it seemed like I failed as a teacher. I'm not prepared. And it showed in the results at the end of the week. Seven people showed their participation and only two of them seemed to understand what the lesson was about. Only one completed the assignment fully. I've decided I need to get back to basics on the lessons. I lept to far ahead this week and everyone suffered for it. I need to write up lesson plans, an outline to put into order what will be shown each week so there is always some sort of plan. Perhaps having more preparation will help me feel better. Or perhaps even that is just a way to procrastinate the real issue. Either way I've decided to stop pushing myself tonight. After I've posted this entry I'm going to take myself to bed. Might watch a movie. I have to be up and at them early tomorrow because my daughter can't be late for school. They have a school excursion. We've been late today and yesterday this week so I really have to make more effort to ensure we get out the door on time, all ready. Tomorrow I'll write that lesson. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow. Today I'm definately on a low and I know I was yesterday too. *scrolls the blog to see if the day before was as well* *sighs* Nope, ok, so odds are I'll be low again tomorrow but after that I should balance again. That's one advantage of knowing I have a three day cycle. I can plan and prepare myself. Now for some deep breaths, maybe a relaxing bath, and then taking myself to bed. Perhaps the anxiety will settle down when I turn the computer off. |
| *sighs* I just can't get motivated today so I've decided to give myself the day and night off. It's already late, blog time and I always blog but I'm giving myself permission to blog and nothing more. Perhaps I'll kick back with some TV or a movie later or maybe a book. It's been a while since I last read some fiction in harcopy form so it's time I did that. I had a fairly productive week last week and I'm starting to see that you just can't be creative all the time. No one should have to work 7 days a week and expect to be as productive all the time. Sometimes it's important to take a break, rest the mind. I've been thinking some more about Persevering Poets Present. I still think that so many people could do this better then I but I'm offering something to the community and so far the members seem to really appreciate it. My biggest concern is letting them down. If I sent them to a group and they couldn't get involved their or it failed or was a discouraging environment I'd feel responsible. Sure I don't much like creating the articles each week for the workshop, and it's been near impossible to get people talking in the Ponder Poetry forum and I keep putting off finishing the Poet of the Week section but still people are supporting the venture. I also don't want to give up since I could really make something out of this. I want to share myself with the community. I want to give back to the people who love WDC like I do instead of just taking. Sometimes I think I could do better if I just used my time to review. I don't know.  Sometimes I feel like I'm putting too much pressure on myself. I really, really don't like teaching the workshop and I'd rather take advantage of the information on the site that teaches me and be the student.But I'm going around in circles and something I think maybe I should just role dice to see which way fate falls. But I've got self imposed vow. I NEVER make important decisions when I'm on a low and at the moment, while it's fairly mild I most definately AM on a low. So basically I'm putting off deciding what to do at this point, giving myself a little slack. I'll have to put together another lesson tomorrow and I still havent' decided what to focus on. Anyway, that's a blog entry. Not much of one but seriously, I'm taking a break.  At least it's a blue day and that's all that really matters. |
| I recently came into some shares and my family had been talking about selling them. No one in my family are stock market investors. I think my stepfather and his brothers were burned a few years back by taking some big risk without knowing enough about it. So he has the opinion that you don't make money on the stock exchange. Obviously this isn't right because investors make money all the time. In fact some people make substantial profits investing. It takes a little know how, and a little luck. In a way it's gambling. Poker. BUT... the difference is you can count the cards. If you count the cards (do your research) you can have a fair idea what's coming up next for particular companies and make smart choices. At least that's how I've always understood things. Today I decided to see what I could find out about the stock exchange and investing. I've got a friend who has a shares portfolio and does very well for himself. With all the talk of my family selling their shares I knew there would be a point where I had to decide what to do with mine. I'm not going to go into details about what kind of figures we are talking here because well, it's a bit silly to tell the entire world if you've got a lot of money. Having said that let me assure you all we aren't talking great riches. I mean I had an entry a couple of weeks back about winning the lotto and this is nothing like that. But let me explain how it came about that I've got shares.  Fourteen years ago when I turned ten my mother took me and my sister into the city to open our own bank accounts with the credit union she was a member of. To join we paid $2 each for one share in the union each and this gave us a savings account with debit card. Years later in 2000 I was still a member, very pleased with our little home grown union and I opened a bank account in my daughters name to get her started in the financial world. Then again in 2004 I opened another account in Joshua's name. The cost of their shares was a little more (inflation) $10 each. This year by concensus vote of all share holders (yep I got to have a vote) we decided to allow a merger between the union and another. As part of the merger all shareholders/members had their share paid out (to a fairly interesting profit) and were also given a collection of shares in the new union that had been formed by the merger. Because as a family we had three accounts we have three lots of both the payout and the shares which leaves a nice chunk to get started in the investment games of the Australian Stock Exchange. I walk talking to my best friend about all this recently. He's the one who has his own portfolio and when I told him how I'd come into the shares (and told him what they were worth) he said: "You are friggen awesome! You need to keep investing! You will make a fortune!" Apparently my fluke shows that I have some luck with money. He later added, "You are one sharp cookie! You intuitively understand some key points about investing. You should research and then invest. You impress me already. You understand the concepts and now you gotta decide the path you want to go. But yes, invest it." I have been looking into it. I checked out the ASX and there are some free courses there that can teach me a little more about how it all works. I also had a look at exactly what the index says about the shares I have and exactly how much they're worth to me today. I also learnt that they do pay a quarterly dividend so it sounds like I ended up with a fairly nice starter portfolio and from an investment of $22. Now it's a case of learning all I can so that I can see what I can do with this money. To me it's a case of money that isn't really mine. It's something I can invest without feeling like I'm risking my own money. It's figures on a page not real cash and I'd prefer to keep thinking of it that way. My family would try to convince me that it IS real money, but because I didn't earn it, because it kinda just fell into my lap because of a lucky 'investment' in the past I feel like I could use it and not be afraid that if I make a bad choice and lose it all I've sunk myself financially. But the truth is I could really make some money if I learn how to use it. So, I'm a single mother turned investor. *grins* If anyone knows anything about investing finances I'm interested in picking your brain to learn more about how it all works. Currently I'm only paying attention to the Australian Stock Exchange since I feel safer sticking close to home for the moment but who knows, maybe as I gain experience I'll go global. I'm "one sharp cookie" and I figure that this is exactly the sort of thing to interest me. I was interested in it for years but to get started needed to invest thousands of dollars so it wasn't something I could take a chance doing. Now I think I'm ready and I want to give it a go. Somehow I think I'll probably be pretty good at it too. Even with my aversion to numbers I've found that it just makes sense to me. I can see the flows and trends and I'll learn in time how world affairs effect things. I love research and I know how to find out information. I'm already exhilirated by the idea. *chuckles* |
| My six year old daughter is sick. My two year old son won't sleep. And I attempted to complete my promise of a short story enough so that I'm content that I made an honest effort and yet am disappointed that it was a) hard, and b) not a story. Sick Six Yesterday, walking home from school my daughter complained of a sore throat but she was doing fine. Had a friend visit to play on the computer and they had fun, all was more or less normal but her throat still hurt so I just make some chicken stew for dinner. This morning an hour earlier than the alarm she woke up crying and feeling like she needed to be sick. I settled her in on the couch with blankets and a bucket and she's still there now. She was sick a few times and I hated feeling so helpless but there wasn't much I could do. Kids get sick and I could tell it's nothing too serious, a stomach bug or a bad case of flu. She was already starting to feel better by this evening and her temperature has come down. She's on the mend. Tireless Two Of course the disruptied routine lead to my baby boy falling asleep with his sister a time or two today. It was tiring to try and keep him tame today. Keep him quiet and prevent him from climbing all over his sister while she was trying to rest. Of course, now he's wide awake and refusing to sleep. I'll take him to my bed when I go and hopefully having me conking out on him will encourage him to do the same. It's worked in the past. Short Horrors I started a new book item today to help my resolved to write fiction prose every day. I also kept my word and added an entry today and I aim to do so every day as dilegently as I aim to post in my blog. I won't blog until I've storied and I won't sleep until I've blogged. *grins*
Today's entry isn't a story. I'm still struggling with that issue. I start something but if I haven't fully plotted it before I start then I just wander with no idea where I'm going. Every line is dragged out of me and it's painful and not fun. I have however started. And it's a fair start. There are these two characters and we can connect with them as humans. I'm enchanted enough with their lives to want to explore it future. "Invalid Entry" The problem is figuring out where things go from where it left off. What lead to that moment and what's next? I don't know, and as the author it's a little inconvinient. Forge  and I were discussing it a little today in IM's. It's always great to be able to toss ideas around with him and we have a really great back and fourth that goes on. It's really cool when you just click with people. I'm also planning to pick Anyea 's brain cause she's the one who's really been encouraging me to get the stories out. Or rather not so much encouraging me as inspiring me.You know, I'm going to get brilliant at these short story things and enthrall the scrollies in story hour sometime. I'd like to try but since I've never managed to complete a story I'm terrified that I'll try in scroll and not be able to figure out how it all ends. When the endings and middles start connecting with my beginnings I'll take the marshmellows and offer myself up to the deities of the scroll.Meanwhile I went on the hunt for a story workshop and was amazed to find an incredible group. "Invalid Item" has everything a writer could possibly want. In fact if I'd found this a month ago I never would have started the PPP and I'm now contemplating disbanding my group, closing down my workshop and sending my members to the Academy. I don't like teaching and I'd much rather be a member then the leader of a group like this. I'm an eternal student. I want to learn from the experience of others and share that learning experience with other students rather than be considered the most experienced of the group. I feel uncomfortable having group members looking up to me as if I know what I'm talking about. I don't. I only ever started the group because I couldn't find anything like it. Now I've found something I'd rather participate there and I think members would gain more from that group then they could from mine. Having said that I've made no decisions today and I might make a post in the Ponder Poetry forum asking members what they think, or perhaps send out an email.One last thing I accomplished today was to track all my submissions. As a premium member I now have access to the submission tracking tool on WDC so I went back over the past two months and entered in the details of all the contests on the site I've entered. I was surprised how many poems I had circulating that hadn't been judged yet. I was also pleased that of the 6 poems that had been judged 4 of them had been awarded 1st place and 2 of them hadn't placed. Those are really great odds.Now, I'm wiped out. It's definately time for me to get some sleep. Onward to tomorrow. I'm looking forward to exploring the acedemy more and taking part in the lessons. |
| Ok, I'm wiped out. I don't understand why I'm so tired. I started feeling half asleep about 8PM and it's not even 10PM now but my brain feels like it's gone into shut down. I'm hanging out in scroll and when I mentioned not knowing what to write here they dropped a few topics that would work, if I had a brain. lol I mean they were great topics but I don't want to write about them if I can't give them full justice. So instead I'll just let my brain wander in this space between wake and sleep. Had a few thoughts cross my mind today about some story ideas. In fact Forge is up to his creative tricks again having created a great new interactive "Invalid Item" It's about a character Ixia who is a shapeshifter who can metamorphisis into anything at all. Anyway, we were talking about his interactive, how to edit it to make it more detailed extra. This was before he'd announced the name of the character and I thought he could name it something interesting that means something that relates but is unique and interesting.Anyway, he went with Ixia which is good because my head started spinning out a character. Her name is Metanoia and she's a shapeshifted. So far there is just her but I have a really strong tug from her and I want to develop the concept. When I picture Metanoia in my mind she reminds me of a character I've envisioned before. I never new that womans name but she was magnificent. I'm too asleep to really develop her at the moment but she's definately a character who's story I'd like to tell. There are a few other characters I need to develop as well. Emma and Jake from The Dating Game for example. I wrote the first draft and one of the most noticable things is how lacking in dimension the two main characters. I realised I hadn't allowed myself to really know them. I couldn't bring them into my life the way I need to. So that's one of my near future goals. To really focus on making Emma and Jake real. *sighs* I mean one of the biggest issues is that even her name is interchanging at the moment. Emma or Emily. Both are two very different people and I have to discover which she is. Character development is something really important to a great story. They have to exist in my mind. I've found that I can achieve it with poetry. Two of my recent poems show how well I can fall into the voice of two very different characters. I'm experienced at role play so I know how to bring a character into me and make them who I am. I know how to know a character, learn who they are. And I know that the character isn't me although usually the best way to make them seem real is to incorporate elements of who I am in them. Speaking of developing things. I'm still dedicated to the idea of writing short stories and yet they're still illuding me. So many fantastic ideas and yet how do I get it on paper. *sighs* Every time I try a part of me shouts out in rejection of the idea. Obviously something psycological is going on with all this. What is holding me back? I know all those arguements about why there is nothing to fear. I don't understand it. *grimaces* My heart is racing and breath short just talking about it here because my body and mind know I'm being blunt with myself. Digging into things it's uncomfortable revealing with my conscious mind. What sorts of things would cause this anxiety? What is this block? Part of me says I just have to stop everything else and do it. Decide. For it's in making the decision that right this very minute nothing else matters and I am going to sit and write without interruption or procrastination when it comes into control. I deny myself any more excuses and make the moment count. I could do that in this moment. Except of course I'm wiped out and ready to crash which is excuse enough for the procrastinator in me. And honestly, while I can't be certain it's not that fear in control again, I'm letting myself off the hook tonight. But at some point tomorrow I'm going to stop and I'm going to write, focusing completely, not on research or reviews or poetry or IM's/chat/scroll but on story. One story. From beginning to end. And if I don't I want my blog to hold me accountable. My blog and it's readers. Tomorrow's entry will contain a link to my story. I won't blog until it's written. I won't go to bed until I blog. That is my vow. Here is to progressing my will power. "COURAGE IS BEING AFRAID AND DOING IT ANYWAY!" A quote I know I should live by. |
A child's hand reaches out her drawing, finger painted, clutched tightly in her little hand. "Mother, do you see? It says 'I love you' there you are standing beside me." She doesn't see her eyes are turned aside. Although the years have passed girl turned woman still brings her pictures. Mother still can't see her smile, her hand outstretched, work clasped, tears begging for a mother's pride, a burning ache for approval or at least acknowledgement. Ok, well it was scrawled hastily in the moments between two thoughts. It's not Shakespeare but it certainly vented my pain. Of course I feel a little exposed writing this entry. My mother has in the past read a few of my blog entries so chances are she might read this one. But it's my blog, my honesty, my venting, ranting or whatever and I need to express myself. I'm not about to go off and create another blog or keep it bottled inside. Plus, if she reads it then *shrugs* maybe we'll have on of those heart to hearts that bring people closer. I don't have the courage the face her front on with something like this. I feel utterly rediculous. Especially since she was talking today about how depression stems from disrupted expectations. If you expect something to go a specific way and it doesn't, you get depressed. This is true to a point, and yet I don't know how to stop expecting things. One of the things I've expected over all these years and frequently been disappointed by is the acceptance of my writing amongst my loved ones. In fact sometimes I reflect on my past experiences and wonder how I still manage to put pen to paper. I guess it just goes to show how much writing is a part of who I am. Perhaps it's a good sign of my steadfast dedication to this calling. I remember a time when I bounced in excitement declaring I'd sold my first peice to my husband a few years ago. He asked, "How much?" and when I told him he cast it aside as a pittance. To me the figure on the check meant nothing. I'd been paid for my work which was a validation of my worth in more than dollars and cents. Someone was willing to pay. That made me a professional writer rather than a hobbiest. He didn't understand. With my mother I often feel like the child in the poem above. I'm buzzing about something I wrote and so I share it with my mother and let myself get crushed because while she usually takes the time to read it she doesn't really acknowledge what she has read. I keep telling myself I'm being silly, childish. She doesn't really understand poetry and she struggles with her dislexia having some difficulty reading. Think of listening to poetry read by someone who stutters, that is how my mother would always hear/read poetry. So it should be understandable that sometimes it's unclear, lacking meaning when she reads it. But still, I show her and deep inside I feel like that girl proudly displaying her first picture and just waiting to hear how brilliant the work is, how wonderful I am, that I'm the most precious gift a mother could have and that I'm gifted and have talents that should be nutured, appreciated. My hopes are shattered by lack of response or pain, "I don't get it." or "these are all so dark". I keep reminding myself it's not the work that's critiqued. I wonder if she even knows me at times like this. Today I shared with her "Forever Loved: Of An Autistic Child" , my latest poem. It touches me to read it even having written it and so far all the reviews have mentioned how incredibly emotional this peice is. I sent it to her and told her she might want to keep a tissue handy. Her only comment, "It didn't make me cry." I felt like a failure. I'd worked to make an emotional, heart stroking peice and it didn't effect her. The fact that it touches me and so many others didn't seem to matter in that moment.For some reason the opinion of our loved ones are the most important to us. My mother is the closest family I have outside of my own children. She's the only family I share my work with these days. I keep wanting to base the quality of my work on what she thinks and yet if I did I'd be constantly beaten down because she rarely has encouraging words for any of it. "Mother, I'm not showing you this to have you 'edit' it. I'm showing you my first finger painting. Why can't you beem with pride at a daughter who shares her gift, her love, her warmth and caring? Why can't you acknowledge the heart she puts into her words? Why can't you tell me how wonderful everything I do is in your eyes?" A mother's bias. I know she loves me and her love is unconditional. But while I might be an adult, with children of my own, inside when I stand beside my mother I am still a daughter who wants to be perfect, brilliant, and the light of my mother's life. *wipes away a few tears* Sorry everyone, needed to break down for a little. I'll be back to my normal self tomorrow. Maybe someday I'll stop showing my work to my family and expecting them to accept and appreciate my talent. I'll grow up and realise that the only validation for what I do that matters is my own. Maybe I'll keep standing with my finger painting clutched tightly, eyes gazing up with pleading expectation, waiting to be seen. |
| I'm really disappointed in the minority who abuse the review system. I've had to report a few situations recently and it saddens me to think there are people who are so greedy for a few GP's. What causes people to get so creative to gain what equats to a matter of cents? As I get new works into my port I tend to be interested primarily in the reviews for those items and I've taken to occassionally sponsering and/or auto-rewarding a few specific pieces to encourage them to get more hits and reviews. Usually these are the ones which I love and want to be reassured they're as great as they can be, or ones that I feel have potential but that just aren't quite right and I'm hoping I'll get lucky and have a reviewer point out where it's not working. I'm pretty generous with my GP's, especially for this sort of thing. I consider it an investment. I mean if I offer 2,000 GP's per review then I'm paying someone 20c US for their time. This is totally undervalued in the greater scheme of things but the people who put more than their dime worth into it I reward with more GP when I've read their review. Of course, people don't realise that I give even more reward for reviews that I feel are constructive. The ones that help me are the ones I appreciate the most. All those fluffy, "OMG I think this is brilliant you're the next Yeats." Just great on my nerves. Especially when I 'KNOW' there is something not working with a poem and am looking for someone to help me figure out what it is. But I don't begrudge the 2K for even the extremely positive reviews cause hey, we all could use the ego boost of those from time to time and at least these people read the poem and offered their feedback. But lately I've come across a few unscrupulous people. Today's has to be the lowest and most dismal of the lot. Actually, perhaps not. No the other is probably an ickier life form. Ok, let me describe both. A few days ago I got a review that said, "Blah. Blah blah. That's all I really heard. I couldn't understand anything at all, an don't say it's because I have a weak intelligence. The truth is, everything on the forum is like complete gibberish to me. Every absolute thing. I'm only doing this for the 2,000 GPs." Ok, this guy needs one of those idiot signs. I mean if you're going to write blah blah reviews to get GP's at least do what everyone else does and don't actually SAY that's what you're doing. In fact, if you go with positive feedback instead of be an asshole about it you're more likely to get away with it. But not this guy, BEEP Reviewing System Abuse Report Filed, USER DELETED!!! GP refunded. *smiles* Thanks so much SM for being right onto this one and dealing with the issue within minutes of my submitting the report. Then today I had three more reviews for each of the three things I currently have set to award 2K each. This time the reviewer was even more blatantly abusive and obvious. This time however they refrained from being an asshole and just went for vapid. The reviews were perhaps the best yet, " Character Count: 251" That's right people, some of these morons are now resorting to two hundred and fifty one spaces to earn 2K GP's. BEEP Reviewing System Abuse Report Filed, USER DELETED!!! GP refunded. *grins* OMG SM is my hero. I think I'm in love. *chuckles* I wonder if SMs would mind if I tried to steal him away from her. BTW along with refunding the GP 'stolen' by these auto-reward system abusers SM gave a little extra as reward for reporting the issue. So, if you come across people abusing the review system please REPORT. It's a really simple form to fill out. If we can keep nailing these people they'll have no reason to keep attempting to cheat the system. What I wonder now is if SM then goes on to track these users. Each time I've had a problem it's been with a free account usually gray case. It seems obvious that these people have created illegal secondary accounts for the purpose of harvesting GP's in this way. I expect they probably feed their GP's back to their original accounts since there is very little else you can do with them to benefit yourself. Perhaps they award themselves with awardicons and merit badges from these secondary accounts? No matter what they do there is undoubtably a way to trace the progress of these illbegotton funds and put a stop to it from the source account. If they're resorting to earning GP like this then obviously their writing merits aren't upholding them in the community so I say, "Here, Here SM" Cancel those accounts and shut them down. Give the world of modern literature one less vapid retard to listen to. Now, onward with the reviews that I'd gladly pay 2K and more for. *grins* Ohh and before I go, a link for you all to make it super easy to grab these guys by the short and curlies: "Submit a Complaint" |
| From a low day where I felt like everything was against me and the world was just too much effort to a day that started off labored then really got crazy in a good way. Looks like yesterday's discourse hasn't had an adverse effect, yet. I started the day like normal up and at them by 7AM and while I had planned to get some housework done people kept wanting to talk to me about stuff in chat so I didn't really get a chance. I also knew that I was on a tight schedule to complete the research and writing for this weeks "Invalid Item" workshop and the workshop was my priority for the day. So long as I got the article written, posted, and last weeks entries judged and reviewed I knew I'd have had an excellent day.The good news? I DID!!! *chuckles* It was a little bit iffy for a while there. For some strange reason my computer had a major heart attach around noon. It took me twenty minutes to get the lag demons out and I only managed that by hard crashing. I hate hard crashing, there is always the risk that nothing comes back at all. Thankfully, despite taking ages everything shut down and came back online without problems (so far as I can tell). I struggled all morning settling into writing the article. Basically I didn't know enough and I keep thinking that anyone but me should be running this workship. I come across Moderators who have years of experience in both writing and teaching. A part of me goes, so why aren't you guys doing this instead? I'd much rather be a student then a teacher. The only reason I created the group and the workshop was because nothing like it existed already (so far as I could find). At least nothing that was currently active. So in the morning I rounded up some of the poetry I've been working over the past few days and took a wander over some of the blogs I frequently. Kare has me in awe, such incredible poetry. Kare writes at least two poems a day and I think I might set a goal like that myself. Even if what I write is terrible quantity leads to quality because practice definately takes you leaps and bounds towards perfection. I've got two new poems up for inspection at the moment. Well, really there are three but the third is in my "This poem does nothing for me" pile so I don't much care what the reviews for it are like and I'm not really very interested in working on it to make it 'better'. The other two are, "Invalid Item" and "Invalid Item" Actually there is another as well, "Invalid Item" . Would love some feedback on these if anyone out there enjoys reading poetry.After a rough morning motivation wise when it came to my article I really managed to settle into it in the afternoon. I'd left off early to join my daughter at her school for a "Learning Journey" (where parents get shown around to see all their kids have been working on in the past term) and then when we got home I was able to focus for some reason. The kids went off and played and I knuckled down to the subject. Learnt alot and managed to write what I hope is a clear and informative article that will inspire the PPP members to give Free Verse and Blank Verse a shot. I'm certainly inspired and I'll probably write a few myself this week. Normally I prefer the stricture of form but it'll be interesting to see what happens when let lose without rhyme and meter to hold me up. So overall a very productive day. Plus I had a lot of fun in scroll. I'm so glad to have gotten that working. I mean chat is fun but it's usually so lonely in there. Thankfully while Scroll has it's dull moments it can get quite lively and enjoyable.Now the day is wrapping up and I'm listening and tuning out to some Blackmore's Night - Celtic Music. Might write up a list of what I want to accomplish tomorrow since there are a few things on my mind at the moment. It's also getting late and again I haven't watched the last of the movies I hired from the video shop. I need to do that asap cause it's got to go back. I already owe a days late fee's on them. *blush* I hope everyone else has a lovely Tuesday. |
| Ok, so some already know that I have BiPolar Disorder. Most of the time it's manageable. I keep it in order by being strict (to a degree) about my sleep pattern and eat pattern. I've found some things set it off, there are guarenteed ways to plummet my cycle. One of the things that gives a knee jerk reaction is a disruption to plans. In fact part of the time I avoid making plans unless I can be sure they'll be followed through. If they won't be then they're only penciled in as we'll see type plans. But today I had planned to go into Perth for the day and the weather disrupted my plans. A part of me still argues I should have gone even with the predicted rainstorm. I should have stuck to the plan. This morning I debated long and hard and even as I dropped my daughter off to school I hadn't decided. I gave another long look at the dismal sky and grumped then started marching home. Josh didn't like the disrupted plans. The only reason he was willing to get dressed this morning is the enticement of the train trip so he was very unhappy to find out we'd not be riding the train that day. My knee jerk reaction? JUNK FOOD!!! Yep, a detour five minutes out of the way to the deli to purchase, chips, chocolate and softdrink. It made Josh happy and a part of me was satisfied to do something. What is the definition of insanity? Is it knowing how rediculous some of your actions are but being unable to control the compulsion to do them? It seems a reasonable explaination to give and that would make me insane. Even as I walked each step I knew what I was doing was just stupid. I'm trying to lose twenty pounds not gain them, I'm trying to save money not spend it, etc. Junk food is a wrench into all my plans and yet with the plans for the day disrupted I had a compulsion to justify myself, spoil myself, or something equally rediculous and I did it with completely unhealthy food. Of course doing so sets me into shame spiral if I let it. I keep having to give myself permission to go off the rails today. Understand that it's a reaction to the upset plans and deal with the fact that occassionally I stuff up. Otherwise I'll just blame myself and hate myself and judge myself. Wallow in self-pity which makes me want more junk food. See what I mean about those shame spirals? Down and down and just more down. So... I have to evaluate the day. Understand the reaction. Come to terms with it. Maintain my routines and remind myself that tomorrow is another day with no plans to be disturbed. I should look at what I managed to accomplish today that I might not have been able to had I been able to follow through with my plans. I should appreciate that the plans can be resheduled for another day. Of course the trip to the Library weren't the only plans thrown out today. My sister finally came through with a final headcount for the Gala Premier Girls Night Out we were going to do on Thursday but when I called to book the tickets they were sold out. That means we won't be doing the movie thing but we're working to make new plans. Everything in pencil because there are too many uncertainties at this stage. I hate disrupting my plans. I think part of issues like this are seated in childhood issues. It's all psycobable though, something to entertain the looney bins but too much bullshit to go into with everyone else. Still, I hope I can balance out the chaos of todays turmoil because if it tosses me into a low out of cycle it'll toss the whole cycle on it's head and I'm too used to managing the flows. Having said that I've slept a lot more than normal yesterday so maybe the flow was already disturbed before this. In fact perhaps a mixed-cycle is why I reacted so much to todays disrupted plans? *shrugs* Who the hell knows. I just know what I need to do to try and keep things balanced as best I can. I can't control it all but I can at least do some things to try and keep it manageable. If I hit a low or a high I maintain my routine despite the moods and push past back to balance. Hopefully. The trouble is the inbetweens can often be as chaotic as the manics. So now what? Get it all on a page or give up trying to make sense of the misfirings of my brain? Let myself appreciate the normalness in being completely nuts? *grins* And know that for some strange reason the greatest minds of this world were all diagnosed either before or after death with some sort of mental disorder. Basically mental instability is a pretty 'normal' state. |
| *pouts and prods the evil black mark on her calender* I stuffed up. I was returning to posting nights instead of mornings since it really is easier for me but I missed a whole 24+ hours and that means there is an evil black day on my calender. I love that calender. It really is a huge inspiration to encourage daily blog entries. My aim since I returned to my blog is to get a blue calender and now that dream is destroyed for this month. That doesn't mean I'm going to give up making the rest of the calender blue however. One bad mark does not destroy a months work nor my desire to write every day. At the moment I'm trying to focus on signing up the five newest members of "Invalid Item" A whole bunch of new poets each very different and of course each taking the "Introduce Me" option on the survey. That means I need to take their comments from the survey and write up a little post about them to welcome them to the group. It's tough and requires some inspiration.The other thing I'm working on atm is a poem. It's another sonnet, this time for a prompted contest, "SHAKESPEAREAN SONNET CONTEST: Closed " . I went in a different direction with this one and for some reason it's a real struggle. I'm fairly happy with the first and third verse but for I can't seem to get the second verse happening. I think I just need to turn everything else out of my head for an hour or two and take myself down into the imagery and setting, find a center there and then write from that.I'm also disappointed that I'm not getting more work done. There is so much I want to do and yet the willpower struggles. It's been a battle all my life and I've still not come to grips with how to handle it. Motivation just isn't there to accomplish much of anything. How can I steadfastly write these blog entries and yet everything else just doesn't come about. Writing new material, housework, etc. There are some things I really do have happening in my life and yet in other areas, some of the most important areas, I just keep falling up short. What is the secret recipe for bringing everything into balance? Lists that I don't stick to? Goals that I can't prioritise? Dreams that I struggle to realise? Time that there is never enough of? Sometimes it all seems too much. I don't understand how to make it work. Sometimes I just have to pick ONE thing and get it done. It means nothing else gets done between when I start that project and it's completion but at least one thing is completed rather than a dozen things started and nothing ever completed. The trouble them becomes deciding which to do when. As I mentioned I'm in the midst of three projects right at this minute, my blog, the member intros, the poem I'm even in IM scrollie land although it's rather quiet in there so that's not draining my resources. I've got the TV on in the backgroun although I'm probably about to turn that off. Part of me thinks it's time to write more lists. But the lists just grow and grow and grow. I have a list of people and items I want to raid, read, rate, and review but at the moment I really want to focus on getting more content into my port. I want to write short stories and focus on getting that under my belt. I want to be proficient at short stories. And yet I also want to focus on my poetry and obviously my TDG novel. So what comes first? Perhaps I should look at scheduling time for each activity. Two hours here for that, two hours there for that, etc.? Does that work for others? Could it work for me? The good news is I feel like I have more of a real life these days. For months at the beginning of this year the life beyond the computer had faded but now I'm more faceted. I'm making plans to do things with the house and outside of the house. It's not just 16 hours of computer screen and 8 hours sleep. I went out for the morning with my sister on Saturday and the kids and I had some fun doing that. We have plans for a Gala movie night on Thursday. Plans to go to the Royal Show this year. etc. I'm planning on having a day out to go into the city to Alexandra Library tomorrow with Josh for a bit of an explore. It's been years since I've been there and I'd like to know if they have a kids section etc. and to check out their genealogy department and their literature department. If there is a creche I might spend a few hours there working on TDG. Either way it should be fun to have a trip into the city. Hopefully I can avoid the bookstores since I need to be money conscious this week so that I don't blow out the mortgage money. I'm sunk low of my safe zone because I went for the new rather than old aircon option. Thankfully I can build up that zone again it just means I'm super aware of exactly how much money I have at the moment and that I can't splurg like I'm apt to do in bookstores. lol Anyway, so much on my mind and so little else getting accomplished while I'm blogging. So back to the grind, hopefully I can get some things done in the couple of hours before bed. And I'll keep thinking over my motivation/time organization dilemmas. Suggestions on that are welcome and much appreciated. |
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