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 |   My journey through (and beyond) the valley with Cancer as my companion. |
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Dear Friend: This is not a Blog about writing! (I already have one of those.) This is a blog about a journey I am taking with illness. I have recently been diagnosed with Cancer. My goal is honest therapy as I progress through, and beyond this new reality in my life. I hope that, somewhere along the way you will find some words that will help you too. While this is, in fact, an interactive Blog, I hope that you will scroll slowly down this page. For you see, the front of this Blog IS my journey. The entries are conversations that are held along the journey.Yes, there is a lot on it--before actually getting to the Blog entries. But, I hope that by the objects and words which appear before the Blog itself, you might come to understand just a little bit about me, and my journey, and some truly amazing friends who have agreed to journey with me. I hope that you, too, will choose to accompany me on my walk--through the Valley. I invite you to join me, and discover the wondrous truths, meet some truly amazing people, and share those "memorable" moments this journey will undoubtedly present. Come along, won't you? In His Care, ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Would you like to help me help others? I found this amazing organization, and I am proud to be a sponsor. I hope you will check it out. It's called The Network For Good.  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "RISUS OMNIA - INCRUMENTUS PER DEDECUS - SAPIENTIA PER DAMNUM" ("Every thing is funny - Growth through humiliation - Wisdom through loss") ~Leunig~ The hilltop hour would not be half so wonderful if there were no dark valleys to traverse. ~Helen Keller~ "If you do not tell the truth about yourself you cannot tell it about other people." ~Virginia Woolf~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "There is strength in truth." ~The Barton Family Crest~ ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** “Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” — Helen Keller, American social activist, public speaker and author (1880-1968) I have moved the list of my thanks for those who have helped to make this little Blog so very special. I hope that you will take a moment to read the list, growing every day, and let these fellow travellers along this journey know that you appreciate the contributions they make to our walk together.
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." James 1:2-4 ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Please feel free to click on the Blog Rings icon below to be transported to some of the very best of the Best Bloggers around WDC. ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** If you are new to WDC, or to our Blogging community, I highly recommend the monthly edition of "The Blogville News". Feel free to click below, and let scarlett_o_h know that a Blogger sent ya! Hey! We've started a Christian's Blog Ring on WDC. Click on the logo, and join us! ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** Budroe
 Ring LeaderI have three publications at the moment. Here is a link to purchase my latest one. Buy a great read, and help a fellow writer out, Okay?  ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** ** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
| At the risk of crashing the WDC mainframes... One of my goals today is to visit my friends' blogs. It has been entirely too long, and this access is, at best, temporary. Let it be known that my absence has been, and is, involuntary (mostly). I will do what I can, and we'll see how it goes. A friend told me something today that still has me wondering. Evidently, there has been a series of evangelistic meetings at his Church of late. "Well Sir, it would seem there have been TWO evangelistic meetings going on at our Church lately. It seems Satan's is better organized--and better advertised." Let it bless yer hearts.  In His Care, Budroe |
| Random thoughts of the day have kept me turning. First one way, then the other. One of my new friends here is in the hospital, several miles away. The limo took him. I wonder how he will figure out how to get home.... He is doing okay, but must have ortho surgery in a month--on both legs. Walking would seem to be a non-alternative. He has no money, much less for a 24 mile cab ride. Even a POV would take 2 gallons of gas for that trip--4 gallons round trip. That's $16+ ! Wow! I don't have a POV. Few people here do. I can't offer him a cab ride. Hopefully, the Hospital will get him home. I wish I could help him. I cannot. This is his computer that I am using, actually. Yep, another "repair job". At least he will be able to have access when he gets home. There's a funny twist, if ya stop to think about it. I can't help him. He had heartburn, was afraid it was heart trouble, yadayadayada...ulcer. They admitted him 2 days ago now. I still haven't talked with him by (his) phone. The medical folks ain't sayin', and he seems to be always gone from his hospital room when I call. It will be an interesting weekend for him, either way. I can't help him, but I think it's important that he know the folks back here are rooting for him. I guess Hillary is dropping her campaign for President tomorrow. I have been, from the beginning, an Obama fan. That's saying a lot, considering all the stuff that has come his way during this Primary campaign. A Black man, and a female, each running complete campaigns for the nomination as their party's choice for President of the United States. Legitimate and potent organizations have, for well over a year now, presented their views, opinions, and plans to the American people. Experience versus change have kept us transfixed for months. The options include a continuation of the current administration's plan, a "third Bush Presidential term" in Senator John McCain https://secure.wikileaks.org/wiki/Divide_and_conquer:_McCain%27s_plan_to_wrest_C... who cannot bring himself to use the term President, but won't stop referring to himself as Commander-In-Chief. It seems to me that change, versus experience, versus status quo makes for an horrifically usual campaign. $4/gallon gas, and nearly $6/gallon diesel fuel, and we are scared that the Republicans could win? Destruction and the desolation of sorrows is upon us, and we consider our little Lemming selves jumping off the cliff we have been driven to? And we blame the candidates. Shame on us. Nearly 70 years ago, Americans showed up and a nation kissed their boots. Seven years ago a contingent of those same Americans, returning to the beaches that would forever change the world, were spit upon by the descendants of those that were liberated from vicious occupation. Needless to say, there is every conceivable possibility that we, in our unending arrogance before the world, could well have deserved the occasional loogie launched in our direction. But, isn't it interesting how the patina of freedom can affect morality? Those who receive it sometimes forget the costs paid by those who bring it. And, sadly enough, that's true both at home and abroad. Believe it or don't, that very thought took me to the Bible. I had an opportunity to re-visit the book of Exodus, and to remember the slavery of Israel to the Egyptians. That wondrous story, helped so bravely along by Cecille B. DeMille and Charleton Heston, still plays across the theatre of my mind from time to time. Reading through the 20th Chapter of that particular book brought me to a screeching (or so it seemed) halt. I had such time to reflect upon the Ten Commandments that I and a few friends had some discussion and conversation about them. It was amazing for me to discover the spectrum of those discussions. We all wish to believe that our understanding is the "correct" one, right? But, among some twelve people, it seemed impossible to get even the most basic understanding about any given point, where the Ten Commandments were concerned. The one thing that came out in our talks was that there is just a ton of misunderstanding--from many perspectives--concerning them. By the time I came to a conclusion about my thoughts, it seemed as though a book (or at least a study guide) was formulating itself in my brain. I believe that we are living in some very interesting times. But, are these truly the last days? If so, does God's Law still apply to us today? Did it ever truly apply to me, or us? Does it have significance for me, and for us today? Will that Eternal Constitution still matter in the last days? Why? And, off to the races the writer goes. I'll let you know how it turns out. Maybe I'll even post a chapter or two for you to read. Who knows, it might even work out! In His Care, Budroe |
| I wish to thank several friends who have been diligent about (trying to) reaching me on my phone. Please believe that I am not, in fact, avoiding anyone. I have a TracPhone (kind of), and have limited minutes. When the level of minutes gets low, I have to save the remainder for emergency calls. Hopefully, I will correct that problem in a little bit. I do appreciate seeing your names, and get a lift just from knowing you do care enough to call. I will get a call to you each and every one as soon as I can. I have not had surgery yet, but we are moving to that goal. The final tests have been done, and the results (although I have not yet been made aware of them) are in the hands of my Oncologist. We shall see. I survived the Winter for these days. They are wondrous. Southern Illinois, despite some failings, has certainly shone Springtime in an amazing and beautiful way. I've learned that humidity is not a good thing for me, but I do SO enjoy the warm days. I hope your days are pleasant, as well. More later, when I figure out how to compose my thoughts. In His Care, Budroe |
| Hello, friends. I have been told recently that I am being completely unfair to those of you who, along with me on this journey, are receiving less than one update per month. That it would seem as if I am disregarding you. Hopefully, you will know that not to be the truth. I have no computer in my home. My ability to access the internet is limited severely, and is in fact limited to those times when I can make the round trip to the Public Library here in my little town. That will continue for as long as others deem it reasonable to hold my computer equipment hostage. That does, incidentally, begin with myself. I do not have the ability to contact those who withhold it from me due to an extremely limited telephone access, and no personal telephone number to the person I have been instructed I must speak with. As a result, I am not able to simply sit down and create. As much as I might wish to, I cannot do so at this time. So, I will (as always) leave your right to follow this journey within the appropriate place: your hands. Of course, I would love to have some amazing bit of truth, or revelation of wisdom to share with those of you along this journey (or your own). But, as Einstein said: "Even the brilliant among us have off days!" How much greater, then, for those of us aboard the short bus?I am waiting on the report of the pathologists to my primary doctor regarding the interop biopsies performed last week. Based upon those results, surgery will be scheduled at some point in the immediate future (I believe). First will be the removal of the Thyroid, as the masses on that glad are now interfering with my breathing, swallowing, and eating. (Imagine! Eating? We cannot have that, now can we?!) The pain from the Parotids, and especially the larger Right Parotid mass has resulted in almost constant migraine headaches, and other interesting sideshows of amazing delight and interest. My Doctor is having some serious second-thoughts about doing this surgery himself. I have told him that, after all I went through to get to the Physician Dad wanted me to go to, I felt like he was the one to do the surgery. He isn't as certain of that as I am. It's complicated surgery, with a lot of room for "Uht Oh!"s. Those are the major issues of the moment. The Diabetes remains very well in control, with only the most rare event of "bottoming out". The medication was increased, and my diet took a little time to accomodate the increased dosages. Now, it seems to be doing quite well. Life goes along, one day following another. There is a great joy, and yet a great sadness for me as I make the checkmark signifying the completion of another day. While it is wonderful to have had the walk that day has provided, it is mournful to me that I should have so little, if any, contribution to it. To do something would be great, even if through the pain. But the aggravation of the pain with nothing to contribute is not unlike my impression of Hell itself. That has always been my motive along this journey. Yet, the words are absent. Perhaps tomorrow. Thank you for visiting my Blog today. May you be richly blessed, indeed. I am, and will always remain, In His Care, Budroe |
| This week will see, yet once again, a repeat of some tests that have been already performed a number of times. Specifically, there are some repeat biopsies due to be done this week; more specifically, on my neck. Six at a time, times three in the past two months, leaves a lot of marks on your average neck. Wednesday is the appointment date. We will discuss the latest results, and perform the aspiration biopsies one more (he swears!) time. It is important to know that the results, while not conclusive, seem to have greatly aggravated my Doctor--for some reason. I believe the confirmation will help him decide if, and what, surgery is indicated. So, yet one more week of "inconclusive" life. It will take a little better than a week to get the results back on these biopsies. The completed lung biopsies should be in, as well this week. That's a bit nerve-wracking. Otherwise, things just merely go. Life here is quiet, with only the very rare interjection of chaos. It is not a life I would choose, if it were up to me. But, trying to be patient has not been one of those things I have been known for. I also do not, to the least degree, enjoy forced focusing on my own life, as these past weeks have required. We shall see, indeed! In His Care, Budroe |
| Friends: This is merely a short note to let you know that I am home, and doing well. My visit to the "horse-pistol" went off without a hitch. The procedures went well, and the samples collected have been sent to St. Louis for examination. Polyps were removed from the Colon and Rectum areas. I will visit with my Oncologist within two weeks for a post-op follow up. I was told that the needle biopsy samples from the Parotid and Thyroid glands must be repeated, because of "inconclusive" results. The Doctor thinks that is probably because of an insufficient tissue quantity in each sample. (I feel sure this has nothing to do with the fact that the Doctor kept having to chase me all over his office with a needle, but I do digress...) There is some continuing discussion with the Doctor about some significant difference between the diagnoses given to me in Clarksville, and what he has found during testing here. He seems to be quite bothered by the variance between what was written into my medical records (and reported to me) in Clarksville, and what he is seeing here. Let me explain--if I can. I haven't had complete discussions with him, pending the completion of testing here. First of all, the Saddle emboli is still present, and the lung damage has been confirmed. The Pulmonary Hypertension continues to be a primary concern. Secondly, the Parotids and the Thyroid glands are abnormal. Blood tests show Cancer markers of a significant quantity, but it is possible that the Thyroid is more of a hyper-Thyroid condition which requires removal because of size (and interference with swallowing) than it is a cancer concern. As one Dr. told me in Clarksville, "If you must have Cancer, having it in the Thyroid is the best place to find it." That is a secondary concern at this time. The Parotids, and particularly the right Parotid tumor, are growing. The left side is growing slower than the right. The right is growing agressively, and is "mimicking" an infected cyst--yet the tissue samples disprove cystic activity. The mass has "injected" below my skull in the rear, and is most likely the cause of the continuing migraine headaches and facial numbness I am experiencing. The Diabetes is well in control, and the medication, diet, exercise and rest seem to be keeping that entire situation in check at the current time. Despite allegations otherwise, I do in fact have both a heart AND blood pressure. The really great news, while very discomforting to me for several reasons, is that the Colonoscopy seemed to show much less cancer activity than had been previously reported via "visual inspection". What level actually exists I do not yet know. The liklihood that the Thyroid is mostly in a "Goiter" state is encouraging. Unfortunately, the size dictates removal. No problem. A little scar, and a pill. If necessary, a post-op exam with the entire organ can be carried out for definitive and conclusive results. This is important, because there is one other, and seemingly new problem that has my medical team stymied at the moment. There was one, then two, and now three worrisome spots on my right lung, which are strongly indicative of metastatic activity, but none of which match any tissue identified so far--we do not know from whence they come. We do know they are not primary. That examination continues. The forgetfulness continues, and (if anything) increases. It is noticeable, yet is not galloping ahead at an alarming rate--other than its mere presence in my life. Regardless of opinions to the otherwise, I truly DO have a lifetime of experience which has allowed me to completely trust my memory. That is worrisome, and troubling, but not insurmountable...ewe, pretty!! That's what I know at the moment. I wish to thank you for your thoughts, and your prayers as the journey continues. I wish also to thank a special friend, Sapphy, for the wonderful AwardIcon awarded recently to one of my written works: "Do We?". It was a most pleasant surprise upon my recent return to the site. The notion of writing serious work is, at the moment, anathema to me. Yet, it is the lifeblood of my existence. I have a topic for an Essay, but it is a difficult one to address in these times. I will probably get a rough done soon. This has been Good Friday. Now it is Vigil Saturday. This is, traditionally, the longest day of the entire year for me. Looking back to the Cross, with the fullest realization that, like the Disciples, the entire ministry and life of someone you have believed in is in question. Doubt runs rampant on this day. I can fully relate in a new way to those feelings. Was it all a lie? Have I been duped by a Charlatan, with no other design than to scam believers? Have you? Have we? There were, in those days, sufficient numbers of angry, disenfranchised followers, believers of the amazing works and words of one who seemed to be special. Yet, only yesterday, they cried for his life. How could it be? Proof enough to crucify this self-proclaimed one came flooding into the courts of the common man with enough suspicion to end his life. On that day, there was no tomorrow. Interestingly enough, this particular Easter happens to follow the Calendar precisely as that first "Last Supper" of so long ago. That is of signal importance to me, personally, this year. It happens very seldom that the calendars "match". Yet, today, as the completion of the Jewish Feast of Unleavened Bread, or Passover, is completed, I can recall the Grace and Mercy of the God of Abraham. For me, it is quite simple. I am living in the midst of it. Like the Disciples of old, I too am living with the conflict of what I have experienced versus the seeming incongruity of what I know to be true. Can you feel that doubt that those men and women must surely have felt on that day so long ago, on that first Saturday vigil? Do you have such incongruities in your world, or in your life? If so, I urge you to examine them closely and personally today. It is a fitting and proper day for just such a purpose. You (nor I) need come to conclusion about it. We just need to feel it fully. If, in such a moment, you feel torn asunder physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually--as I do, then I think we approach the reality of that first Vigil Saturday. The darkness of the day, the veil rent from the Temple of our certainty and the security of our conclusions SHOULD be questioned on just such a day as this. For, on this day, there IS no Sunday--not yet. If you can turn away from Friday and feel the full impact of this Vigil Saturday, you will be closer to not only the reality of this day in the annals of history. You will be closer to my reality, as well. For, if asked how I feel, or how I am doing, that is the answer I would give. I feel as if I am one of the original Disciples on that first Vigil Saturday. But, you see, that is how we SHOULD feel on this day. After the years of miracle living, and truthful revelation to a doubting world, our faith and our "truth" IS torn away. The only thing which might remain is either the sadness of the belief of what we have seen in front of us, or the conviction that our faith in another will, somehow, be resurrected and validated despite the seeming "facts" before us. We MUST feel that loss, that sadness, that doubt. For, if we do not, we have no part in what comes after it. Why would we? And, perhaps much more importantly, why should we? Was it all a fraud, a scam? Did He lie to us? Is He what, and who, He said He is? And, perhaps even more importantly, how do we then justify our belief in Him, and the changes His words and works, in our lives, have created within and around us? Followers who not merely changed their lives and their thinking, but even walked away from family, friends, and beliefs on the word of one man. Can you imagine it? Can you feel it? Running away from the pain, and the sadness, and the betrayal, and the loss of faith, those first Disciples were on the run for their very lives. I know how they felt, because in many ways that is how I feel on this Vigil Saturday. I am trying with all my energy to "re-construct" the entirety of my life from October 28th, 2006. I am trying to discover where (if at all) and how I could have been mislead--and willingly purchased entry to a deception not of my making? Even against my own knowledge, and experience, I am struggling to re-validate my every thought, word, and deed from that day to this. What? How? When? Where? Why? Who? I have long said that we cannot get beyond what we cannot (or will not) get through. Yes, I do know there is a "beyond" to this. I feel, within my very core, that there is a tomorrow that will make all this worth the angst of the moment. The enemy is in full-scale battle in these days. Even if I must endure this battle alone, it is still my battle and I will engage every foe with the fullest intent of victory. I know how it ends: we win. Yet, the enemy will eat my lunch (and yours) at the very first moment of opportunity. I have, somehow, got to walk out of this wilderness--that is my task. So is it yours. I don't like it here. It feels like a prison, and I have completely lost my identity. Even as I cling, through the Blood and tears of the struggle, to my truest identity--as His "Beloved", I still must walk under my own power through this land of shadow and doubt. This is my task. Angels will not swoop down and deliver me from this moment. It is here for a reason which I am not required to either understand or approve. I must simply get beyond it. I believe fully that I am not alone in this requirement. I do not think that this reality is only for me. By your testimony through these pages, you have shared your land of shadows with me here. This is not one of those "long nights of the soul", but it's close. It is a land of nothingness, "without form and void" in every aspect of life. My Dad lies across the Chasm, waiting on my faith to empower my feet. Just as that first Vigil Saturday so long ago, the day exists only because of the determination of one man to follow the game plan. That is one of the most important lessons of this entire event! I am just a man; a broke-down sinner. I am lost in my Sin. Today, there IS no Grace sufficient to pay my debt. How hollow does that feel! Yet, from the beginning, "The Directions" are overflowing with the promise of secure passage through this land. It is only by faith that my feet can move through these steps. I believe that it is only faith--your faith--that will help your feet move through these moments as well. Only when we fully realize the weakness of our faith in the full can we then call upon that which we cannot provide for ourselves. Today is about finding that place, where we come to full understanding of ourselves. Independence is a sin, just as much as any other. Humility comes only from the full understanding of our humiliation before the One who can judge it. That is, first, ourselves. Find that moment, and feel that truth. Because, if you can and will, what comes soon will have real meaning for you and your life. It will have meaning and significant meaning of such measure as to completely and forever change your life. I say that because I believe it to be true. That is my faith. That is my faith to such degree that I am, somehow, dragging myself forward just one step at a time. Even though I feel loss and lost in a very deep and unique way, still I have faith enough to look toward the Sunlight beyond these shadows. Even if I die, yet will I believe. I, in closing, would like to share with you these words which came to my inbox this morning from my friends, the Cawthons, who are editors of "The Cancer Crusade". I hope it will help you take just one more step through the shadows today. "God is like a mirror. The mirror never changes, but everybody who looks at it sees something different." ~Rabbi Harold Kushner~ (Editor's Note: We received this lovely story this week from several anonymous sources. We are not taking credit for writing it, but wanted to share it with our readers.) A Bible study group was puzzled by the following verse from the Book of Malachi: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." They wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One woman in the group offered to find out the process of refining silver and to report what she learned at the next meeting. That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot. Then she thought again about the verse that says, "He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver." She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The woman was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silversmith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy -- when I see my image in it." If today you are feeling the heat of the fire, remember that you are being held in God's hands, that He is watching you intently every second, and that He will keep watching you until He sees His image in you. Dear God, this cancer journey is so often painful and terrifying. Help me see this experience in a different light, as a means of purifying my spirit. I want to be a reflection of You, Lord. I want You to see Your image when You look at me. Only help me to remember that You are holding me close throughout my journey and forever, and that Your eyes have never left me and never will. Amen I do believe. Because, even at night, in the fullness of darkness, I am In His Care, Budroe |
| Friends: Today, thanks to the assistance of a friend, I have internet access--in my HOME!! YAY! It has been a little while, hasn't it? There is much to tell, but not so much "new" to share with you. As a quick update: Tomorrow morning, I will be at the hospital for a Colonoscopy (full this time!) and a needle biopsy of some spots that are developing on my lungs. They are not original sites, but the docs can't seem to figure out which problem is trying to "expand it's territory", as it were. It should be about a four - hour procedure, and I feel confident that all will go well. I hope you will remember me and my medical team in your thouhts and prayers. But, more than anything, I wish you would ask Dad to show up, and show off in this time. Surgery in the near future will include the removal of my Parotid glands and Thyroid. No decision has been made about anything else at this point, including the Colon stuff, chemo and/or radiation treatments. The first problem now is the parotid, as one of the buggers (right side) has decided to go travelling places where such things just should not go. Specialists are on hand for the anesthesia and coronary stuff, and my Doc is just great! Friends will take me, bring me home, and attend me for a little while, until the anesthesia wears off. No, there will be no video or recording devices allowed!!! This blog really means so very much to me, because I have, through its entries, seen my friends and my Dad so very much. It is very difficult to even consider letting it go, but I cannot allow it to be used for any negative purpose and honor the original intent. I'm considering, but have not yet done the hard thing. I hope Dad will allow me the time, and the vision to complete this task. It is one that I have always considered to be of the top priority in my living these past months, and I would truly hate to have to delete it because of bickering and the slinging of mud. I'm thinking hard about it. I'll let you know, ok? For now, I'm "cleansing" (for the third time!), and my ability to remain still is not very good. So, I've updated my blog, and you have an idea of what these next few days encompass. I wish you His Peace, Love, Grace, and Mercy in rich abundance. And, just as always, I am In His Care, Budroe |
| Isn't here. It's here. http://budroe.wordpress.com/2008/01/28/of-mercury-and-messengers/ I've chosen to fire up an older blog, and revise it for current use. I hope you will visit there from time to time. It's not private (yet), but if you wish to send me email at kybudman@gmail.com and let me know your blog address, I'll add you to the blogroll. It ain't great, but it will do for now. http://www.budroe.wordpress.com is the quick way to get to the blog. I have not yet determined if, or how I will continue the topic of this blog. It has meant so very much to me, I feel that it should continue. But, the new blog will concern itself with other issues as well. I'll work to get the work transferred. It will be a task. I would ask you, my friends, to pray for me during these coming days. I would ask you to pray that Dad's will would be done in my life as these next few weeks come through the pipeline of this continuing journey. I would also ask that you pray for my friend Tom C, who has just had hip surgery. Pray that Dad would stay close to him, and his medical team as he begins his recovery and rehab. For those who have not yet learned, my friend lives in a wheelchair. This surgery is especially difficult for him. Tom is a paraplegic, who does everything in life except act like he has a problem. He is a good man, and has been a very good friend to me on this journey. Please keep him in your prayers. I would also ask that you pray for my cousin Anne, who is doing the difficult task of re-organizing her own life, after years of caring for two ill parents. She is moving to a different city, away from the home she has known a greater portion of her life, to be nearer her work. I love her, and she has never stopped, even for a moment, being with me on my journey. I hope you wil encourage and support her as she begins her new journey. As you might see, there are so very many worthy people who, because of their friendship for me, have maintained their anonymity along this journey. I know that they would prefer to keep it that way. Some have not a choice in the matter. But, for these, I do ask your fervent prayers and continuing thoughts of Grace, Mercy, and Love. There is a long list that could be written, but time does not allow here at the Public Library. For those who continue to add to the value of this writing by your loving comments, please accept my deepest thanks. You lift me up in a difficult time. But, I am alright. So may we all be. In His Care, Budroe |
| If you find the WDC site slugging to a crawl, now you know why. The doors have imploded, the walls have fallen, and the spotlights in the parking lot have fallen. Yes, I am responsible for that, as well. Two consecutive blogging days this year can have quite the effect on the happy notions of the misinformed, the uninformed, and the unwilling. Nevertheless, Virginia, here we are, with proof positive. Two consecutive blogging days on the Walk Through the Valley. I am having to attempt to find a place to hold my writings, as my membership will end shortly. That is not unlike moving day looming near, with no apple boxes to fill. Thank you for your continuing support as I work to transition to a different writing environment. Fear not, the URL will be posted. . First, I must find one, and then the work must be transferred, and THEN the URL will be posted. It's a major hassle, actually. The work here is, like it or don't, as yet incomplete. What I had hoped to be will not. That is alright, though. On this journey, my job is to enjoy the scenery, not drive the boat. Sometimes, we don't understand fully (or even at all) why Dad chooses to make a hard turn away from where we think we are going. This time has truly been, for me, a test of faith. It continues to be so today, as well. But, for the purpose which began this writing, the writing remains. For the cause which has kept this Journey going, the writing continues. For the meaning that this Journey has given me, and so many others, the writing is important. Even through the diversity of adversity, we learn more about the challenges, limitations, expectations, and affiliations of those who share the journey with us. Much has been learned here. Much has been honestly and carefully shared here. We have seen, together, what can happen in the good times, and the not-so-good times. I have had many opportunities to grow, and learn, and share through this journey's writings. Some of the things I have learned have caused me the greatest joy. Some of the things I have learned have caused me untold heartache and sadness. Yet, through it all, I have learned. I am learning. I will learn yet more. I have seen what happens when people care for the right reasons, and I have seen what happens when people care for the wrong reasons. It has been, and continues to be, quite a growing experience in this time along the journey. It has been, from the beginning, my most sincere hope that this journey shared would be of some important value to those others along with me on my journey, and for those facing their call to this journey, as well. Through the honest writing of a trip I never anticipated, planned, nor chose to take, it has been (and continues to be) my most sincere hope that those who share this journey may be edified on their journey. I have learned that the truth of that sometimes requires others to celebrate in the successes of the journey through the valley, while still others can celebrate only in the failures of the journey. Still others do not celebrate at all this journey, but have contended against it from the very beginning. It is not a surprise to learn the strength of the contention; merely a bit of a shock at the identities. I believe it is most important, regardless of any stumbling block which may be posed along the path, to remember what the beginning of this journey promised. It would be honest (and it has been), it would be written for me (and it has been), and it would be written in such a way that my Dad would shine through it (and He has been). You were invited, from the first days of this journey, to share the process of the walk through the valley with me on my journey through, and beyond, the Valley.You have been most remarkable companions. Because of the willingness you have shown me, your friend, this journey has created a value in my life which would otherwise never have been realized. For those who have never seen me other than as a friend, my thanks, and emboldened prayers that you might be richly blessed, indeed. For the things that you have brought to this journey, it is my steadfast conviction that many untold others will be blessed, and will benefit from the work that we together have been able to accomplish. You have lightened my burden so very much, that my ability to carry on has been questioned by strangers who cannot understand how someone "in my condition" can not "act as sick as I am." Here is the entire, complete answer to that charge. Read these words, and the comments which attend them. From the beginning, look at the support, enouragement, hope, love, joy, and determination of friends who understand the word to its fullest measure. There is your answer. Who could dare NOT act in such a way, with the degree of determined fidelity strangers have given to this journey, and to a friend they have never met? You never understood the impossibility of falling down when you are being lifted up, upon every step, by the unquestionable, unconditional love of friends such as these. I could not help but be changed by it. There are those who have forgotten that it was a friend on this journey, not a patient; or not merely a patient. There is a rather long list of those who have issued help to a friend, because it was a friend who needed help. Some of those friends provided financial assistance which fed me, kept my access to the world alive by paying my phone bills, my Internet bills, and even my membership here (among other things!). The same friends who assisted me to gather my rent, also assisted me with paying my rent. Money was delivered to me when I needed it, whether I asked for it or not. In many cases, I very specifically asked for it. I was entirely grateful when it was given, and when it was NOT given. To me, merely having a friend that I could make such a request to in such times was a great blessing. There were also friends who, simply (they said) because of friendship, provided. Unasked, they sent me money, or considered my willingness to help them as due payment. In one case, the front page of a book was purchased, with sufficient subsequent buyer's remorse to begin a conflagration within this community itself. In another, a married couple who wished only to provide me with a blessing as a testimony of their grateful hearts for my friendship (according to their card) sent me an unrequested amount of $200.00, to use as I saw best. I later learned they felt "taken". I can tell you that no moment on this entire journey has brought me lower than that one. Many have sacrificed for my benefit, either directly or indirectly since this journey, this Walk through the Valley, began. Many sacrifice today, as well. Some thought I might have not noticed, or appreciated. They never knew me then, and they certainly do not know me now. I must say here that I, too, have sacrificed much along this journey. Not only since it's beginning, but even yes, today as well. I have always tried to keep the writing on others, and to give extra measure of notice to their willingness to share this journey. But, it would not be entirely honest (now, would it?) to not at least remark in passing that the journey has been underway for some time now. I have made every step of that journey, too. It ain't always been a fun time for me, if I might be so bold and selfish to state. Within the steps of this journey, it has been made clear by those friends that their willingness to be of what assistance they may be has been made because of friendship. Some of those statements have been, subsequently, disproven by those friends. That, too, is a reality upon this journey which is an important reality for those called, or called to be with, on this journey must inevitably face. Betrayal is, as most other surfaces, a two-way street. I did, upon occasion, ask for the help of my friends. I thought they were helping their friend, as friends do. I learned that sometimes helping another can cause jealousy; a clamor for position among the friends, who suddenly (as has been seen so clearly by me in the past) find themselves arguing over the prostrate body of the patient for the "stuff" the journey might provide. We have even gone together through one of the darker valleys of this journey. That, too, has been honestly illuminated. Charges of deceit, "Hoax", deception, and even hallucination came into the midst of this journey. Of course, in the final word, I would tell you that I do wish it were true (if I were being honest, of course) that I do not have Cancer, or that this journey has, since October 28th, 2006, been nothing more than the fantastic prevarications of a deceitful liar. The simple fact of the matter is that I cannot tell you that. Those things which come from, or as a result of those statements, as harmful, damaging, and deceitful as they are, are solely the responsibility of those who would make them, not I. And, even as the continuing "proof" mounts to the contrary, those who would dare suggest such a thing can neither contain nor restrain themselves. Along this journey, it is surprising, not a little disappointing, and quite discouraging to learn that there are many who relish only in the sadness of these steps; who would somehow choose to attempt to elevate themselves in the process. I will not submit to such goings-on. I have not, and I will not. The damage done to me has been done to me. So be it. This journey teaches us many things. I never said that they all would be pretty. There is no doubt that I have learned much more than I ever counted on, and for that I am so very grateful. But, more than that, I am so very grateful for those who have attended this work, and this Walk Through the Valley to this point in the journey. For the kindness of your attention, please know how very thankful I am to have had your company. For your willingness to share those impossible moments, please accept my gratitude as only a representation of those many who will receive the benefit and the blessing that your selflessness has provided. For your willingness to lift up, and bear those burdens this journey has so far created, please accept my personal words of thanks; not as a patient. You see, I still cannot quite see myself in that light yet. The time is coming, but not yet. Please know that you fed your friend; you clothed your friend; you sheltered your friend; you cared for your friend. Those gifts given were, along with your words of encouragement, support, and kindness, life-giving gifts. For those who gave conditionally, I know that Dad has used your kindness to a much greater purpose than the mere reality of my personal benefit. For those who, even today, continue with me upon this amazing journey, this grand adventure: Thank you so very much. It is much more difficult to feel your support, and while I admittedly cannot bring myself to ever again allow myself to ask for your help (nor would I accept it), there is still an Army upon this journey, dedicated to the task. And, for those who understand, the task will be completed beyond the valley, not in it. I have learned so many important things upon this journey, even so far, that I will forever be grateful for each step shared. I am grateful that when I led, you followed. I am grateful that when I could not lead, you have carried me. But, from the beginning, I have consistently been most grateful for the Dad who loved me so very much that, for this journey, He chose you to be with me. He is the Creator God, of the Universe. He is Jesus, the Christ. He is the Holy Spirit, comforter, guide, teacher, and friend who dwells within. He has a different name in every single chapter of the Holy Bible. I call Him Dad. He sees me, and He lets me go running to Him. He doesn't care if I have a warm Chocolate Chip Cookie, or tears in my hand. That I drop crumbs on His Holy Step is of no consequence to Him, whatsoever. All He sees is His Kid. Every time, there is Joy in His eyes, compassion in His heart, and love in his Spirit for me. He brought me here. He created me in my mother's womb, before the foundation of the world was made. In my mother's womb, HE knitted me together wonderfully, and perfectly, for HIS purposes. (Jer.1:4-9) And, from the very beginning, when so many said I would not live, or survive, or grow, or last...here I am. It is not because of me, and if I might be so bluntly bold, nor is it because of you. It is because, from the very beginning, my Dad decreed it to be so. He knew, before my birth, how much food $40 would buy. He knew long before "the event" that only one friend would respond, and help Him give me back life. He even knew well before my membership date that one called friend would betray me. He knows today, just as He has always known, my heart. That some have shown themselves in a most discouraging way is only a surprise to me--not to Him. It is to He, and He alone that I subscribe my account. I pray, without ceasing, that because you have shared this journey with me, you have seen Him along the way. If there be any good in me, it is only my Dad, showing up, and showing off for your benefit, not mine. This is, and will always be, about Him. IT has always been so. The attacks against me? Well, I would surely rather believe that than the alternative, wouldn't you? The journey continues. The steps are steeper, and more difficult. There are many who, still along the journey with me, are leaning, lifting, learning, and loving each step of the way. The Dad who brought me here is not the kind of Dad to abandon His Beloved, much less at this point. Besides, I've had sufficient Grace from the beginning. It is sufficient today, and tomorrow. So is it sufficient for you, as well. If you cannot see who this Dad is that I forever talk about, look inside yourself. He is there, just as He is within me. As He loves me, His Kid, and guides each step of my way upon this Journey, so can He guide you. You are NOT so lost as that He cannot find you. You are NOT so bad that He will not love the you He created, just as He loves me. You are not so worthless that He would ever not care, even unto death, for the hairs on your head. And, you are not so insignificant that He would not call every Angel in Heaven to attend you upon your Journey. I know. Here is the proof. Make of it what you will. I'll see you down the path. May you be richly blessed, indeed--even in this moment. (1Chron. 4:9-10). I remain today, and tomorrow, as I have always been, In His Care, Budroe |
| Hello, Friends! It's been a time of quiet on the journey. I am getting rid of the reminders for a while, and want to just say that the journey continues. Things are mostly quiet at the moment. Tests continue, a few new ones have been ordered, and the results will tell the story. I hope this finds you safe, well, and happy--not only along on my journey, but on your own journies as well. It's cold here today. Fortunately, the Public Library has heat! I will try to get a few wrap-up bits done soon. Stay well, and know that I do appreciate those who are with me. I am with you, too. In His Care, Budroe |
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