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1051
1051
Review of Misplaced Love  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Helping Hearts members page.  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Beck Firing back up!

*Star*Brief Summary:
This is a story of unrequitted love. Dante has a lust and desire to be the object of Betsie's desire. She is unaware of what his feelings are. They are from two different realms and have yet to interact.


*Star*Suggestions:

~starting a sentence with a conjunction but or and creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles

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1052
1052
Review of The Takeaway  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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gothic angel


Mark James Short

*Star*Brief Summary:
This is a great story of devotion and love. The story held me captivated all through the end. The surprise twist at the end had me shocked and questioning just what had transpired. A great ending.


*Star*Suggestions:
I had no suggestions for this piece. I found it well written with good sequence and foretelling. The punctuation and spelling all seemed to be in order.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
I must say that the ending was a shock to me. I enjoyed that.



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1053
1053
Review of TIMELINE  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
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BJS

*Star*Brief Summary:
An action packed short piece with mystery, murder and mayhem. Cia agents being shot at as someone is always in the line of fire. This is a rough draft of a story that needs another read through.


*Star*Suggestions:
~The opening paragraph starts out rather rough. New sentences are formed without capitalization.

~I Is left uncapitalized in several spots.

~They sequence of the events don't have enough fluid movement, they are jerky and leave the reader with whiplash. (Instead of telling us he walked to the vehicle, show us.
The man jumped up and tried to punch him but Alex knocked him off his feat and left with his winnings.
Jumping up, the opposing winner, threw a punch at Alex. Dodging the move and coming up with a left hook of his own that hit the target, knocking him out cold, Alex scooped up his winnings and hurried for the exit.
Give the reader action, put them in the thick of it, without just telling them it happened.

~second paragraph, opening word has no apostrophy in it.

~third paragraph, Alex can't be packing and walking up the ramp at the same time, better direction is needed here. He had stored his stuff, and was progressing up the ramp.....

~third paragraph has repeated words, at Sidneyrepeated twice in one sentence.

~third paragraph has missing apostrophies.

~fourth paragraph, a abandoned should be an abandoned.
us a before words which start with a consonant and an before words starting with vowels.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
The dialogue can use some work, at least editing wise for capitalization and punctuation.

The action is all told, not much show, creating a rather dull area. Action is meant to be experienced.


*Star*What I liked:
With some editing, this would be a good chapter in a storyline or novel. This has great potential for exceeding the boundaries currently enclosing it. With a litte touch up here and there through suggestions above and a read through by the author, I would come back for a second review and rating.

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1054
1054
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Need Help With An Upgrade???  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Lean

What a clever piece you have here. Very thought provoking and humorous all rolled up into one, with an explanation so that nothing gets lost in the translation. Reading this at the start of a book, would definitely intrigue me to delve deeper. I rather enjoyed this little piece and look forward to hearing more from you. I have no insight to add to the piece, it is great the way it is.
1055
1055
Review of Independence Day  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Shannon

*Star*Brief Summary:
The fourth of July represents Independence for a nation, and now, it takes on a new meaning for this couple. Finding out about Jon's infidelity is more than his wife can tolerate, yet she holds it all together until Liz stumbles into the picture.


*Star*Suggestions:
~In action sequence, Jon has his arm around his wife's shoulders when the fireworks start, so when Liz sees them, it isn't clear if when she falls against him, if the wife is knocked to the side, or if they had already separated on their own.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
I didn't notice Jon's wife ever being given a name. If I missed it, I do apologize for I have read this twice now. I kind of like her not being named. It adds to the feeling of being insignificant in Jon's life. So much so that he would wander to anothers bed.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
~When speaking about putting the knife to Liz, it is stated that the knife was in the purse, but I feel it should read is in the purse. For, isn't the knife still there?



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gothic angel
1056
1056
Review of Sista Jenny!  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Need Help With An Upgrade???  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
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Hello again, you thought that was it, we were only getting started. This is two of three reviews our good friend gifted to you, so sit back and enjoy your little treats.

Question: line three, should that be woodstocker???

From this little limerick, if a true event, I would say that you met a friend named Jenny, though it isn't me, who went to woodstock. Though the two of you may be from different age brackets, you have hit it off and enjoy each others company and friendship.

I too enjoy limericks, though I don't generally write them. This is well written and was a pleasure to read. Thank you for sharing.
1057
1057
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Need Help With An Upgrade???  
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
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Carol St.Ann

*Star*Brief Summary:
Dr Seuss wouldn't nor couldn't be prouder. You have taken lesson from his style and rhymed down the page with grace and clarity. The daily activities of you and the family fit this quick paced poem to detail the energy spent in this fast paced life. There is always something to be done and this poem cleverly states that.


*Star*Thoughts:
I wasn't sure of the last line of the fourth verse, but after much consideration I feel it works fine. The plural of feel was throwing me off at first. I was trying to make a tighter rhyme out of it, which isn't necessary.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
I liked the clever way this tells about the bustling day and how something is always going on. There was no complaining. In fact the sing song Suess like rhythm made this fun and rewarding to read.

I think the title really brings out the true meaning of the poem. The two compliment each other, as it should be.


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gothic angel
1058
1058
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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kk1739

*Star*Brief Summary:
The voice of the story is lamenting about an invitation to a party thrown by a cousin. Achieveing an invitation solely on a chance encounter , she the voice, begins to reminisce on certain aspects of childhood relations with this cousin. Being a journalist this may be a good chance to meet some key players in the business world, though that doesn't seem to be the angle she is going with.


*Star*Suggestions:
~towards a directional movement or action of time. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being words of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, beside, inward, downward, afterward, outward,backward, and upward, to name a few. Now to where this is slang in terminology, some of these are turning up more and more in dictionaries as acceptable usage. I will let you determine the outcome.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
This sets a good background for the beginning of a novel. The intrigue is that you don't know what kind of story it will be.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
In the first sentence I had a hard time with the flow each time I got to in order. I felt the sentence was better structured without this addition.




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1059
1059
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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gothic angel


Redtowrite

*Star*Brief Summary:
Taken back in time, I discovered simpler days. Where a man or woman could mostly survive on a farm with their animals and crops. A place and time of family, honor and respect. This story took me back to a farm, a place where one family was working the fields for another.


*Star*Suggestions:
~ onthe side of innocents.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
I liked the simplicity of the times, brought out in the speach and actions of the characters. I was transported back, to where I could smell the fresh air with the damp earth yielding crops of plenty.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
NONE< this is well written. The events and characters all deem to be worthy of the short story. The sequence of events and time all seem to be in order. We are given bits and pieces of information on various members of the family and those they sharecrop for. With greater detail, this could be turned into a novel rather than a short story. Either way, it works well.




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1060
1060
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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Redtowrite

*Star*Brief Summary:
A story of healing and love, this great short piece is an emotional pull on the heart. I would compare this to a Nicholas Sparks work of art. A great emotion ridden piece that is a lesson of growth in life.


*Star*Suggestions:
I could find nothing to add to this piece. It is well written with great sequence and the events are believable.



*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
Not necessarily any trouble with, but I would like to have more descriptives on the sea shore. This easily could become a full scale novel.



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1061
1061
Review of Death of a hero  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with Need Help With An Upgrade???  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Hyperiongate

*Star*Brief Summary:
A well written story of epiphany and self worth. The values of society suffer and change constantly. Finding value and worth within yourself is the only way to truly view the world. This is a great story of friendship and sacrifice.


*Star*Suggestions:
~towards a directional movement or action. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being words of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, beside, inward, downward, afterward, outward,backward, and upward, to name a few. Now to where this is slang in terminology, some of these are turning up more and more in dictionaries as acceptable usage. I will let you determine the outcome.

~starting a sentence with a conjunction but or and creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles.

~There is some incomplete writingML within the piece.




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1062
1062
Review of If only I hadn't  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (5.0)
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KEYWORD:DARE

qaulitybeing

*Star*Brief Summary:
A dare is issued in altetnate rhyme as this poem cascades down the page, it speaks of the aftermath of the dare, and what fears now surface in retrospect.


*Star*Suggestions:
~ In the sixth verse I would consider adding the word justdirectly before like, to me this helps the rhythm of the piece. I found myself adding this each time I read the poem.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
This is written in a fun alternate rhyming couplet. This is the voice of a young child and it has lots of youthful trouble and worries.


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1063
1063
Review of ENDLESS REBUKE  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
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KEYWORD:AFFECTION

Tee


*Star*Suggestions:
~towards a directional movement or action. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being words of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, beside, inward, downward, afterward, outward,backward, and upward, to name a few. Now to where this is slang in terminology, some of these are turning up more and more in dictionaries as acceptable usage. I will let you determine the outcome.

~starting a sentence with a conjunction but or and creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles.

~accepted his marriage proposalsso is it said then that he proposed more than once?

~and repliesto him in a gentle voice




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1064
1064
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (4.5)
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Redtowrite

*Star*Brief Summary:
A love story of emotion and beauty. This piece has such beauty that one can't help but to get wrapped up in the characters. A great love story for the times, this would make a best seller novel if published in detail, or a good movie.


*Star*Suggestions:
~send sent up with lobster bisque



*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
Angela's reaction to Danny's demand for a divorce doesn't seem right. He wisks her away, seduces her, then tells her he wants a divorce. She responds with .... I don't want you anyway.... where did this come from. I don't believe, that even in anger this would be her response. Yes she is overwhelmed and thrown off guard, however this doesn't fit for me.

~Danny's reaction when he finds out Angela is pregnant would have been a good addition to this piece.



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1065
1065
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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Redtowrite

*Star*Brief Summary:
Frannie's story is a romantic piece of love and devotion. Much more can be told in depth about this love affair if a book was wanted to be made out of this. The results of an affair lead to finding the love of her life.


*Star*Suggestions:
~afterwards a directional movement or action. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being words of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, beside, inward, downward, toward, outward,backward, and upward, to name a few. Now to where this is slang in terminology, some of these are turning up more and more in dictionaries as acceptable usage. I will let you determine the outcome.

~ i began to talk to the baby, capitalize I

~ Wes and I share a Family Practice in Detroit
Is it Wes or Les, suddenly a new name appears. Typo I believe.

~starting a sentence with a conjunction but or and creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles.



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The Treasure Chest  (E)
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1066
1066
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
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Chris

*Star*Brief Summary:
An interesting look into the team members and their characteristics. We are given descriptions of the members as to their physiques.


*Star*Suggestions:
~To start this chapter, there are several problems in the first paragraph that would turn me off as a reader, ending my affair with the novel.
1-If the students filed out of the room, it would suggest that the students each formed a line and moved in unison exiting the room. This is inconsistent with the kids actions. I feel to state that they each snuck out one at a time, would be more appropriate for the story.

2-The first sentence of this chapter is a run-on sentence whick would work better as three different sentences.

~The start of the second paragraph has a possible typo. Should the word be bunk or bun?

~the fourth paragraph, it should read at Z instead of a Z.

~followed by Z who rose from the



*Star*Why I rated this so:
Full of incomplete sentences with run-on sentences included, this chapter needs a thorough read through and editing.


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1067
1067
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
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Chris

*Star*Brief Summary:
An interesting chaptet, regaling us with the events used to instruct us on how the disciples made their escapes. This also gives us background on the characters in this piece.


*Star*Suggestions:
~In the first paragraph, there lies within, run-on sentences, as well as sentences that have captialization after a comma, instead of a period.

~In the second paragraph, a man falls from a bun instead of a bunk

~The third paragraph does not begin with capitalization.

~The last sentence of paragraph three is missing several words.....
Where are they to put there clothes, and trust what, or who???

~instead of reacted in the fourth paragraph, which also contains run-on sentences, the correct form would be react

~The last sentence of the fourth paragraph should be We'll or We will instead of Will

~Welks' first sentence in the fifth paragraph is incomplete. It is missing the two key words to do.


*Star*Why I rated this so:
Most paragraphs contained run-on sentences. These sentences were merely comma laced and needed to be cut down and new sentences created. Also, there were in most paragraphs sentences containing missing words or mis-spelled words. I would suggest a read through again by the author.

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1068
1068
Review of Scared Stiff  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE NEWBIE REVIEWE...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
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Truck Guy

*Star*Brief Summary:
A nice and histerical piece, this short story had me looking back and enjoying the relief the two felt upon the outcome. Such a small and cute piece, elliciting the banshee screams had to be terrifying for all creatures involved.


*Star*Suggestions:
~The fourth paragraph was a bit of a continuous run-on sentence. In one aspect, this could work, due to the momentum of the story. However, this can also be construed by some as a distraction.

~towards a directional movement or action. In speech many people like to take the action words and give them an added syllable "s" to help propel them forward. Already being words of action, this effort is unnecessary and leads to creating a slang term. This terminology then transfers into our writing. Now, if the piece of writing already contains slang terminology throughout the piece, then this would be acceptable, if not, then I would alter the word to the proper form, as I suggest with this instance. This also happens with forward, beside, inward, downward, afterward, outward,backward, and upward, to name a few. Some of these are used throughout the piece. Now to where this is slang in terminology, some of these are turning up more and more in dictionaries as acceptable usage. I will let you determine the outcome.


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1069
1069
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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J. A. Buxton

*Star*Brief Summary:
Sharing a commonality with my California friend, I am proud to say that I too, am very fond of the trees, though I don't go as far as to name them. I climbed them when I was younger, just to view through their eyes. Who cares about the pitch. That was just the proof that you and the tree were one.

Today I am happy to say, that I am back where I belong, with pine trees in my yard. We have a free-way located at the end of the road, about a 1/4 of a mile away. Most days, the trees drown out the sound. You can not hear the noise.

Then there are the days where you sit on the porch and listen to the trees talk with you as they move to and fro with the wind. A peaceful and tranquil sight, until your eye catches that stray branch that is now dead and precarilously lodged among other branches,,,, you know the one that fell this winter with the snowfall, and lodged high up in the other boughs. The one which refuses to come down at any cost.

I have been told that due to the moist ground, one day these trees may fall and land on the house. I say, NOT. They wouldn't do such a thing. IF they fall, it will be toward the front, alongside the house, or at least when we are out of harms way, as Spock was so kind to do for you.


*Star*Suggestions:
Have you found a new tree to plant in the yard? I would suggest one or two. It is fun to watch them grow and sprout through the years.



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1070
1070
Review of This I Believe  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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J. A. Buxton

*Star*Brief Summary:
A prompt entry, you seem to do quite a bit of these. A creative way to spark the muse and also an outlet of creativity. What are your basic beliefs? Before getting to the heart of this short story, I knew, from visits in the past, to expect the unexpected with you. I couldn't wait to see just what you would come up with.

A giraffe you say.. yes the elongated neck is surely a wonder.... but what about the dinosaurs and prehistoric animals? Do they follow along the lines of the giraffe?



*Star*Suggestions:
As most of your righting goes. I did not find anything to help improve the piece. That is as far as grammar, spelling and punctuation goes. Any other suggestions would simply be intruding upon your belief system. I am sure you could have gone on with quite a bit more, but you were limited by the prompt with which this inspiration was created for. I guess I could suggest that you keep these prompts in a separate folder and one day consider all of these as a submission for publication. Rambling Prompts of Musing Disorders. Rambling due to the varied topics. Prompts, well that is the origin. Musing, well your muse was inspired by the prompts. Disorders, due to there being no order other than perhaps chronological for which they would appear in the book. Look who is rambling now.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
The last part surprised me. I have always wanted to go to Disneyland. I even suggested we do that for our honeymoon. We thought about it, but then, he does have a 16 year old son who would probably like to go one day. Though by the time we marry he will be out of the house, so we could always go again. Nah, an island sounds more romantic........


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1071
1071
Review of Solace  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
In affiliation with SIMPLY POSITIVE GROUP  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
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LaMourDuCiel

*Star*Brief Summary:
Reading this as it cascades down the page, I coud follow the drip as it runs down the arm to where it pools at the fingertip, forming a drop, then releasing, and falling to the water below, where it becomes a new reality. This poem to me reads as a depressive cutting tool.


*Star*Suggestions:
~instead of imagines and watches perhaps the two lines would feel stronger as imagines and daydreams for watching make it feel like it is already happening. This then makes the few lines above confusing. If she watches then daydreams, we know she hasn't commited the act, but is viewing herself doing so.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
This is a very descriptive poem. Written in free-style form, it paints a canvas of illusion for one to view.




~*Balloon5*~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
FORUM
The Treasure Chest  (E)
closed due to lack of participation
#1408837 by ~WhoMe???~


hot coffee
1072
1072
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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SBryan

*Star*Brief Summary:
Deeply troubled, full of anxiety and self doubt, the voice of the short story has image issues. She tries to fit in, but is still rejected by the cliques of the school. Troubled and full of fear, she hides out in the bathroom.


*Star*Suggestions:
~starting a sentence with a conjunction but or and creates an incomplete sentence for the reader. This can be changed by adding a comma and joining the sentence with the previous one, since they are of the same subject. That, or drop the conjunction and open strong for the next sentence. Though the use of conjunctions to start sentences is becoming more of a norm in todays writings, it is still frowned upon in many writing circles



*Star*Additional Comments:
The first three paragraphs run strong with the exception of the last two sentences. What do the steps across the bathroom or a razor blade have to do with the rest of the story
? This is unclear and confusing to the reader. We have fears, and the wish for them to go away. Then we are directed to the underdog trying to fit in. From there we have an antispectic overrun bathroom and talk of underwear.


*Star*Areas that I had trouble with:
There is suggestion in the subtitle that this is a flashback in time, however I didn't see anything in here to suggest this. Now this is a prologue and could be just a bit to lure one in, but I still feel it is incomplete. Though the prologue is about a youth and thoughts and actions, there is no lure here. Nothing that begs me to read on further. Give me something to go searching for. A possible ending for this part is a flash to the forefront where we have the subject of the piece summing up that she is looking back or about to run into Dave now fourteen years later. We need mystery, we need allure. Tempt me to continue on.


*Star*Why I rated this so:
I feel this is a rough draft for something yet to come. Having a base to start from, with editing and additions this has potential to be something much larger. I will gladly return to re-rate and re-view at a later time.

~*Balloon5*~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
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#1140329 by Not Available.


hot coffee
1073
1073
Review of Tentacle  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
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gothic designs


monkeydragon

*Star*Brief Summary:
With the pattern of the prose and the jargon being used, this fits the description of a tentacle of a large squid, however, this could be a metaphorical piece for anything that is dangerous. From peer presssure to drugs or alcohol, the spirit of this prose is one that is after you to drain your life force. Beware!


*Star*Suggestions:
I could find nothing to add to this piece. The punctuation, spelling and grammar are all consistent with the context of this prose.


*Star*What I liked about this piece:
I liked the consistent flow of the dialect used. The flow of the prose follows the winding tendril of the piece as it twists down the page. The format is very appealing with the body of the prose.



~*Balloon5*~Thank you for sharing your creative writing skills
 Invalid Item 
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#1140329 by Not Available.


Image #1282972 over display limit. -?-
1074
1074
Review of Forbidden Fruit  
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
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gothic designs


InkWellspring66

This is an interesting alternate rhyming couplet poem, with ease of flow and great rhythm. The love story within is original and holds great emotion and depth. I could find nothing wrong with this piece. I find it alluring and sweet, like the fruit it speaks of.
1075
1075
Review by ~WhoMe???~
Rated: E | (3.0)
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Multi sig from Sherryb


the eternal lull

This was supposed to be a poem, however it is more of a note to all existing members that this is a re-turning member of the site.

There is multiple spelling errors, incomplete sentences, run-on sentences, and lack of punctuation following as well as capitalization.

I am rating this average. I feel a lot of work is yet to be done. Welcome back!
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