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Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jimmythepeach
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829 Public Reviews Given
1,370 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review of My Own Tongue  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hey, good stuff. I found myself walking the unfamiliar terrain of a launguage, Afrikaans, which is your mother tongue. I have met very few Africaners. Each was very well educated, intelligent,, and well-mannered. Their accent was a new ooe for me. Very pleasant.

I really enjoy the familiar feel your poem has, like you and a friend were sitting on swings looking up at the stars, and sharing how you really feel right now.

Afrikaans, Polish, English. Do you speak any other languages?

I like the concept of playng freely with the unique physicallity of one's native tongue.

I would like to see poetry written in Afrkaans, then translated into Polish, and finally, to English. I know that a letter in one language may not sound the same in a different language. Still, I like the reminder that there are some people I will never understand.

I guess that makes communicating with people around the world that much more precious.

Peach
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Review of A Bunch Of Things  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Fun concept. The title really fits the theme. You might want to check your spelling again.

By putting familiar and unfamiliar collective nouns on every line you drove home how language is used to name groups of things.

My favorite is, an exaltation of larks.

peach
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Review of Unburied Children  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi I like your poem and agree with the sentiment. When I read this it looks like and feels like song lyrics. Anthemic. Direct. I like mixing 5 line verses with 4 line verses.

Good job keep writing.

There are many values to reading and writing poetry. I think it cultivates open-mindedness and neutral objectivity, when the writer does not include themselves in the poem.

peach
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Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Ha ha. Good topic. You fleshed out both characters a bit in this short poem. I like your use of parentheses, it added a little personality to the character.

I do feel a stumble by the meter in the third line of the last verse.

Perhaps a title, "The Painful Truth?"

You reviewed something of mine and I must say, your review displayed a mature professionalism of a person who has read a great variety of literature. Your modern, simplicity of diction, grammar, and syntax gave me the immediate impression that I had received correspondence with a seasoned, practicing, professional artist and writer.

I see that you are 14. Startling. You are unlike any other young teenager I have read here. WDC provides demographic detail under summary stats if you click on My Places in the white box to the upper left.

I actually check my stats every day. It is very helpful to know who finds specific items interesting, who is attracted by a prompt, perhaps.

Most helpful is the data on a specific item. It includes how many views, how many member views, hom many unique members viewed, and how many unique non-members viewed.
I get roughly the same amount of member views as non-member views.

You might find this neutral info helpful.

A bit long-winded here.

Keep writing, you have a distinctive voice, surprisingly developed for someone your age.

peace - peach
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Review of Old One Ear  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A glimps into the strange world of cats. I have no problem believing every word. Like the way you framed the story. The first sentence immediately pulled me in. Very smooth. Nice poem. Great ending. Like the cat feel of scenes, feeling, images, details.

peach
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Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Becka, this is quite a piece of poetry.

I read your review of my haiku and before I replied I took a look in your port.

Your titles caught my eye right away.

I am much more willing to read a new writer if I like the title of their piece. A surprise twist of a title promises more twists inside.

The timing of thes lines is so like a person talking.

The form you set up and then follow attracts me to read more.

The whole thing reads like a few seconds in my mind.

What was the assignment? Not sure school would benefit the poet I read here.

peace - peach
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Review of Spirit Walk  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Powerful and beautiful. The simple ryhme scheme does not feel forced. This poem is a series of circles rather than a list of opposites.

Great fist line. The final two lines sums up the the poem's system of belief. You put a part of you here.

peach
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Review of Harukaze  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi DK, First I like the shape of it on the page, pyramidal. Then I like the snapshot quality, a frozen moment. Then I like how you placed the wind in the poem with out using any word for wind. This device makes this a superior haiku.

Part of me always appreciates, allitteration, consonance and assonance. In haiku a little is a lot. I am guilty of using these devices regularly. This is not a critcism.

A superior haiku would have both the poet and the reader not noticing when these devices are used. If that makes any sense to you.

The title, Hurukaze, is a term for a warm wind heralding the arrival of spring.

Wonderful.

peach
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Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I read this earlier today and didn't catch the perspective.

This time I do. I like it. It reads almost lie a prayer.

I looked up Nos and see it is a Roman translation of the Greek god of the night.

All in all it has a bit of a mythic feel.

Only minor suggestion. You use commas twice. It feels like the poem should have a longer pause after the word 'Erase'. You might consider substituing something denoting a longer pause.

peach
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Review of -Soul-MirroR-  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, I reviewed this yesterday and suggested mirroring and concrete poetry. This is the kind of thing I was talking about. You might want to consider how formatting a poem can add to a reader's enjoyment.

peach


-Soul-MirroR-    -RorriM-luoS-


Opposites    setisoppO
reflect    tcelfer
as    sa
Mirrors    srorriM
Do    oD
So    oS
as    sa
you    uoy
See    eeS
my    ym
Soul    luoS
I    I
Also    oslA
see    ees
You  uoY
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Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Jay, I enjoyed reading this article, both, because of what you had to say, and how you said it.

Your attention to detail seems just right for me. I also liked the breadth of prose and poetry you used in your examples.

I like watching your mind work.

You gave me much to think about when I review in the future.

peach
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Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I read this poem as a very personal silent heart's request.

I looked evermore up, a word I've always liked the combination of and the sound of. Archaic term meaning forever. I am thankful you used it here. It has such an emotional, personal meaning to me.

I read this as an offer of love, of companionship, of a safety free from fear.

It is oferred simply, clearly, and without pretense.

It glows.

peach
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Review of On empty  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I have read this over and over. Your phrase, "my soul burns empty." It makes me stop and think about the unchanging nature of soul. Everything changes. Perspective changes everything. I can feel that my empty soul burning is a terrible thing.

Oh, you describe the regret of putting thoughts to paper. There is something about slow motion, that's what writing thoughts down is, slow motion. While I type this a whirlwind is delivering my thougts from the machine guns of my mind in no particular order whatsoever.

Slowing down, writing down these thought in a constuct of order, emotion, and intuition, wow! Dangerous, dangerous territory. The moment I build anything it starts to come apart. Entropy.

Really like your point that pretending is better than emptiness.

Lately, I am thinking about darkness and light, fullness and emptiness.
All my life I have aimed for fullness for light. It turns out the only way to change light is to take some away. Life lived backwards ending with nothing.

If I start in the dark, with emptiness, whatever I add increases the light.

Criminy, I told you got me thinking.

Gotta go. Draw bridge closin
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Review of I Can Fly  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the title. Your poem stuck to the subject of your title and I like that. Favorite phrase is "...heaves height."

Since you are new here I am going to give specific weaknesses, much as an editor would do. A review would point at the use or misuse in general of poetic devices.
Suggestions that make this a higher rating.

1. eliminate awkward useage
"iridescence of light" read that whole line out loud and hear those last three words. Not a comfortable useage. Can't imagine someone talking this way. I suggest ending that line "your iridescence." The first half of line six could be addressed in a similar fashion.

2. punctuation
As is the punctuation is not placed consistenly . Punctuation is a landmark that signals what kind of breath(pause) the reader should take. Commas, slight break, elipsis, long break, period, stop and then restart.
That leads to a third suggestion

3. Format
This poem starts with a line of three syllables and quickly builds word wise and peaks at line four. Way to early. Poor dynamics. I would suggest breaking some of those lines into shorter lines. You could also break the one big stanza into more smaller stanzas.

Please accept these suggestions in the spirit with which they are given.

peace - peach
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Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Man, I like this. You have an economy of words, that makes this purr. I like each line, and appreciate every piece of punctuation.

It reads as superstition, fable, sea tale, local lore.

I loved that last line. It really tied a ribbon on this singular package.

peach
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Review of This Moment  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Well, this is beautifully written. It is splendid as a poem. You have a very clear structure which makes it suitable as lyrics. I got an uplifting feeling just reading this.

The parts are clearly labelled. This has some twists and turns, explorations. I can hear flutes and violins and drums and spirit voices in the background.

You have a very ambitious set of lyrics. What would make it a five would be coupling it to the right music.

bravo - peach
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Review of Party  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
ah, the party. this poem about parties, attended and missed. Sucks not to be invited to the party. How can it be a party without you?

You have me thinking of all the parties I missed, too blitzed to mingle with other party goers.

Just the other day the maitre d at a fine reataurant in DC said to me, "Peach, party of one? Your table's ready."

peace - peach
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Review of Peaceful death  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E
Hi ashley, good idea here. I have a sense that you tried to do too much in this short story. You have some nice images. clear in places.

two main suggestions
1. look at this and find the best part, not your favorite, your best. try adding story before and after this part.
2. eliminate any filler words
ex. replace the word 'like' with a comma in the first sentence.

filler words like a, an, that, and, repetitive phrases that would be more compelling with slight substitutions each time it is used.

hope this is helpful - peach
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Review of Runner  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi kgiven, Your title drew me and to read this. Nickname from senior year was "Runner." Instead of goin to class I would run by the classroom in gym clothes, off the school grounds and through Petaluma. In my lifetime of nicknames, one of my favorites.

Just a reminder. I am reviewing not editing. I make big suggestions where I find it appropriate and tell you what I like about what I like.

I want to talk about your piece. Good title. I like the title description as well. The story goes in the direction the title and description point it.

Paragraphs, baby! Help the reader. Break up this monolith into bite size pieces.

With just the one paragraph, this reads like one person talking superfast without taking a breath. I suggest you make your paragraphs one or two breaths long.

Read out loud from the top and you will notice the places you take a breath or pause.

think of pauses as commas and breaths as the end/beginning of paragraphs.

Check your spelling. Use spellcheck whenever you can.

Last suggestion actually the biggest one. Have someone proof read before you post. An absolute requirement for proofreader is they must be good at spelling, punctuation, syntax, preoper useage and not too timid to tell you about your mistakes.

I like this piece and find it interesting enough to read some more of your writing.

peace - peach
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Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
i like this lyric prose poem. Many people, most people, at one time or another hate this world.

Your first paragraph is about our collective disregard for the young among us, the defenseless. Full of questions that have me thinking. All of your comments are well written and on topic. I like how you end this paragraph with your succinct conclusion.

The second paragraph digs in on the foibles and weaknesses of humans. How we are divided by race, color, creed, tribe, gender, ideology, by pettiness, by selfishness.

Now please don't be offended. I was reading something the other day that referred to just what you write about here. They characterised this type of utopia as 'juvenile utopianism'. At one time or another I have asked myself the same questions that you have here, wondering why this world couldn't be more like the better world I can envision.

Doggone it if that label doesn't fit me from time to time.

I find that the laws of economics, supply and demand, are a much more practical philosophy for me. I like the emotional neutrality it offers.

I think you did a good job laying out your thoughts concisely, building each of your paragraphs to clear conclusions. You did a good job not being to wordy. I wonder, is this your first draft? I am curious if any cutting was done.

Being dyspeptic by nature, I have spent much of my life lived lowly. Sitting on the edge of my bed and asking what's the use? Why even bother? Seeing others suffer is painful to me. Have I ever really been of service to anyone? How can something I write really make a difference? A song? What good is a song? A poem? Such a small offering.

I appreciate your asking questions. Perhaps you will find an answer, some answers.

Lately, I have noticed strangers smile at me. I must be alive, I think. Good people are attracted to life and living.

Today, I will go outside, into the sunlight and walk among my brothers and sisters.

I will try to keep in mind that we are all God's children or none of us are.

peace - peach
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Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Geez, I like this. Beautiful dawn. One of the things I like about your poetry is your two word and three word alliterations. I see it on the screen then I hear it in my head. I like the rhythm of those 2s and3s and how they hold the other words in little pockets.

peace - peach
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Review of Here is a girl  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like the title. I like the assymetry. I like the increasing line lengths. I like the metaphors that characterise person as instrument. pencil, boat, clock, notebook, etc.

I think you chose a layout/format/scheme and stuck to it. That makes this simple and direct, but, and this is just a suggestion, including surprises would make this more powerful

Don't get me wrong. Good poem. You could try my suggestions on this or on another poem you haven't yet.

surprises 1. layout 2. punctuation

Layout first:
You have 16 consecutive line that begin with capital "A". You have a 20 line poem, 18 of which start with "A".

Rather than starting consecutinve lines with an "A", infer the "A", group consecutive lines into sentences one or two breaths long.

Punctuation second:
You use some commas and two periods. Just as in the layout, use periods and commas and elipsis to load the one or two breath sentences.

It will be easier to show you what I mean, so I'll do that in a sec.

I bet more people would like your poem in it's original form. That's cool. You will be giving them what they think poetry is. I am not demeaning them or you. This is poetry.
The reader and the writer get to decide what poetry is.

However, what make for good poetry is requiring the reader to engage their imagination and intellect to fill in the spaces you leave for them, a hint of ambiguity that makes for than meaning.

I see you are in Jr High. As a writer you are at a jumping off place. I see this is free verse, perhaps that is your preference.

The turning point is this - to find and write with your voice things from your personal vantage point. Though your subject will most often be themes universal to humanity, you are the only person who can bring your certain light to bear on a subject, illuminating, pointing the way to look at things in a different way than others, perhaps alleviating others loneliness, pain, grief, doubt, shame. Perhaps helping people to people to see the beauty of little things, to feel their connection to the world and each other, to hear the little sounds that are not noise.

OK I'm running on here.

The other choice is to write like a person playing hangman, sudoku, pictionary, filling in crossword puzzles, or writing limericks. You know filling in the blanks. The arbitrary blanks someone else has devised or the ones you devise for yourself. Here I am talking about the myriad poetic forms and devices full of rules and a center line and no fast lane to take off and pass everybody else. Keep all of the words out of the ditch or there goes your "A".

I see my bias in my description of the choices. There is no right or wrong. It's not engineer bad, architect good, ceo bad, hippie good, poet good, car salesman bad,
limmerick bad, free verse good, a**hole bad, saint good. I'm not making value judgements.

My point is don't write how you think you should, or they think you should. Rather write with your voice, write who you are. This means journey of discovery. That is Good News.

Let me take a shot at it. Think of me as an editor. This is your poem with some suggested changes.


Here is a girl…


She is…
A
         friend ,
         responsible child.

An
         artist of words.

A
         dreamer that won’t awake,
         girl with hopes and spirit,
         beginner that will not stop trying.

An
         explorer who has yet to find treasure.

A
         boat, sailing on an undiscovered sea,
         daughter of divorced parents, she loves them the same,
         clock, which will tick away until the end of time…
         notebook, which anyone can write his or her secret thoughts in.

A
         sister who has to set the right example for her siblings.
A
         road, many have and will travel on, changing their lives and history.
A
         pencil, which will write her own history, and share it with the entire world.
A
         shoulder, which will always be there for friends or strangers’ tears to fall on.

A
         bird, which flies over all, tweeting her little song, for all to hear,
         book, yearning to be read, remaining on the shelf, and covered in dust, forgotten.
         light pole, leaned on, shield broken, rusting, seen all things, yet still stands.

Here is a girl…




peace - peach
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Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Hi, well I like both of them. They have similarities to each other, of course, both simple and complex crafted sentences. What I like most about your poetry is that it is so often sprinkled with living phrases.

"whispers of surrounding sounds..."
"Engaging wooded sojurns..."
"Wind whistled through the arbor,..."
"A stirring signaled"
"Remarkable surprises"

Looks like you enjoyed writing this acrostic - peach
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Review of Spring  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi School Girl. Alaska is beautiful but I remember that breakup sucked. All wet and muddy. Lived in Anchorage long ago, before computers. Just a kid loved it.

I have a couple of kindly thoughts about your poem, just my opinion, which is even less popular than my personality.

Your poem reads like three paragraphs of writing.

Twelve lines here, you might try using fewer words, like say one or two or three per line and see if you can't say the same thing with hints and phrases, which would allow the reader to interact with the poem by completing it with their own imagination..

for example

Spring fever, Alaska melting.
Summer birds splash
in puddles down the road.
Bears and squirrels awaken to the
slight sweet scent of flowers
and a mutt in sunglasses and cutoffs
is walking towards the shore.

You might want to start like you did with this poem. Put it down for a few minutes, read some other poetry that you resonate to, then come back and winnow away the unnecessary.

Just a thought. You got me thinking of walking down the rr tracks to go fishing in Rabbit Creek for humpies.

peace - peach
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Review of The Color of Moon  Open in new Window.
Review by peach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | N/A (Review only item.)
Very sweet and vivid.

Beautifully said. Powerful title.

I like the tether of reality in the phrase, "Look for me by the riverside..."

I feel compelled to respond with a few thoughts.



The No Color of the New Moon

Long after sunset I watch
for the moon that does not rise.
I will paint with the colors of the new moon.

If I start with light, whatever is added
will make this landscape darker.
If I start with darkness, whatever is added
will make creation lighter

Let me start with the darkness.
With darkness,
every outcome is possible
before all things are born.

Consider the possible, and
close my eyes…
begin

As I work I see light becoming,
light becomes you,
is...
you

Now consider.
Painting on darkness
makes even the quiet colors glow.

Let the colors decide
what everyone else sees.
Colors on the body are like a funeral;
important for everyone
but the, "Guest of honor."

I will look for you with the whippoorwill
birdsong to guide me.
When the mountain moves you
where the water soothes, you
are walking with ghost deer.

Now, it is quiet.
The earth breathes.
Soft rains add the weight
of teardrops.
The heart at the
Center of Things is beating.
The new moon sets with the
promise that the next evening will be lit
by a slight sliver of light.
I will let that moon paint you
in a completely different way,
the way you will always be becoming.


peach
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