Hey O, pretty good. It is better than the first. I like the strange logic of something that is static that flashes. Using the word "light" in such a small poem should probably avoided. You might consider substituting "flash" or "spark"
I like the jagged delivery of the last line. Very much like lightning and thunder.
Very clever ending. I like the last word rhyming and narrative feeling of the last verse. In the movie "Road Warrior" The character played by Mel Gibson shares a can of "Dinky Di Dog Food" with his dog, sounds vile. Just a few weeks after I saw the movie, I resorted to eating canned dog food cause it was free, and I was a strung out crazy musician. I also tried some of those "Mik-Bone Dog Biscuits". They really sucked, instant dry mouth.
Real bittersweet moment captured here. Very nice piecture painted. One quibble - the phrase, "in guilt that I hurt you" , perhaps the word guilty would be better for the first two syllables.
Tim, this had some really strong parts that I love and some things that jumped out at me.
I like the way it finishes with the last verse.
I liked your use of the word showbiz. It has such an informal, personal feeling here.
You use the phrase, "...time well spent," even though that first verse speaks clearly about the futility of counting of points or stars.
The word swell in the fourth verse feels like a rhyme choice not a word choice. I haven't heard anyone say swell since the '50s.
Like I said I like this poem and the message it professes. My suggestions are just that, suggestions. I am certainly no final arbiter of things literary.
Fun poll that made me have to think but I won't hold that against you,
I would have liked a few more choices to choose from.
1. Invite them in to use the toilet and "freshern up"
2. Ask them what music they have on their iPhone
3. Ask them to feel the bump on the back of my head that I first noticed after trying to retrieve my keys under the desk and tell me if it is xomething I should be worried about.
4. Ask them if aliens suffer from depression where they come from.
5. Invite them in to help me hang a picture.
6. Ask them if that was a banana in their pocket or were they just glad to see me.
7. Ask them if they were relatives of mine just dropping by to say, "Hi"
8. Ask if they have insurance for that thing that just flattened my car.
9. Ask if they could watch my house while I ran around the corner to go pick up some beer.
10. Ask what took them so long.
11. Ask to look under the hood
12. Show them my middle finger while explaining this is the customary greeting on our planet.
13. Offer them gum to get rid of that stinking alien breath
14. Ask them to point that ray gun somewhere else
15. Yell out the window to knock off the racket so's I can getz some shuteye.
Very nice. Written at a steady comfortable pace. The title is a little counterintuitive. I usnderstand it to say we who lay have not yet died. To lay to rest, eternal slumber, etc... poetry is full of descriptions of death as laying.
Tim, great use of words here. You write here with precision. Rather than stacatto flashes of phrase I see the use of poetic glissando and phrases that swing.The steady comparison of good diet and working out with mental gymnastics is well said.
Dr T, very sweet. If it were possible for scissors to be sweet, these are. With the title, "Scissors" it is clear from the start that this is written from the tool's perspective. The playfulness of description imparts personality to the character. The last line of the fourth verse is a little awkward. You end that line, "...make a hole through," and this poetic usage is unlike any of the other lines. Also, the very next line also ends in the word, "through."
Very nice. In a poem entitled, "Dolls", Evangeline Violet looks through a dolls eyes and finds a kind of consciousness there. From first place on the shelf to last place is greater than the distance between these two spaces. This doll has regrets. And why not? The author describes the doll praying, "behind her platic prison cell."
Very good. I see one reason you might like rhyming couplets. The simple discipline acts as a tether like a seatbelt keeps head and arms inside the car. Some fantastic phrases and word sound combinations. The rhyming is the least of it. You might try free verse with small verses holding each clear thougt..
Larry, fine job. You are a sophisticated poet. Lovely images, The Trilonnet form that you chose adds a feeling of strangeness to the piece which makes it more enjoyable.
Kings, this is thought provoking and wishful. Wishful from your part, and frankly, mine as well. Man it would be great if everyone had their eye on Truth.
In your poem entitled, "Middle East Peace," you take seven stanzas and begin by asking large questions for the first half, literally, of the poem. In the second half of the piece you exhort (I love that word) the reader and humanity as a whole to get it together.
Now I mentioned thought provoking. What you had me thinking about was a recent experience.
A week ago last Monday I Metroed into DC, being as how I live right across the river in Arlington, VA. I had read an article online that there was to be a first time gathering of muslims from across the country. The article said to expect 50,000. The purpose of their trip was to assemble on the West Lawn of the Capitol and say some prayers, including praying for peace.
I got there a couple hours early just to people watch, something there is plenty of in DC. As an aside, I like to engage people randomly, find out where they are from and what they do there so that I can write it down in my back-pocket notebook after they walk away.
Well, there was quite a variety of clothing I noted as the participants congregated. From three piece suits and tasteful conservatively cut dresses to full on complete chadors on the women and men wearing various head covers and sort of a long nightshirt looking outer garment over layers of other clothing.
I talked to a few and everyone was kind and courteous.
By the way, as I stood on the sidewalk at the foot of the hill and visited with various police and undercover law enforcement a goup of five or six men and women showed up with big signs and a big wooden cross on wheels. They were evengelical christians who didn't approve of islam or the get together on Capitol hill.
Full bullhorn.
The police gently moved them across the pretty wide street. Well I thought this was America and was happy that two different groups could agree to disagree. Later another christian group showed up across the street with a bullhorn.
It was down right bullhornish!
It was quite a pleasant afternoon. I took a break at one point and I went and ate lunch at the Senate Dirksen building. Most of the cafeterias on Capitol Hill are open to the public. Good ravioli.
I know it's a tough world out there and plenty of people want to see me dead. Just because I was born here, blablablah...
All I can do is try my hardest to be kind.
That is how I read your poem. I see it as a kindness on your part to describe a positive life and urge others to do the same. Thanks.
Joseph. I enjoyed the poem. As I read it again and again I understood your scenes from phrases. That's why I like short poems, I have a chance to reread and savor.
My favorite line is, "Bewitch me with curiously and fame." Change does incite, it provokes and moves me on.
cazzbie, this is a beautiful description of unconditional love. I would have liked to have rated it higher but there errors in spelling and punctuation. Also, it would be much easier to read if you indent the paragraphs and insert an empty line between verses.
This is a lovely piece. I look forward to reading more from you - peach
Hey, Very direct piece. After I read this the first time I thought of those situations where later I think of the perfect thing to have said. That's what this read like.
I have a suggestion/comment.The first two lines are each 5 syllables and roll comfortably off the page. The second lines show up suddenly too wordy and break the rhythm the piece started with.
If I was your editor I would suggest that the last two lines be rewritten as:
You can take my mind,
you can take my heart,
Don't break what you find
'cause I'll fall apart.
WhoMe, I enjoyed this poem. I like the open-hearted personal flavor to the way your mind works. Some days being kind to others is a real challenge. One thing that always helps is to share something written with another person. It could be something I write or it could be something another writes. A sense of creative community is a great comfort.
I enjoyed browsing through your port. I have only seen the tip of the icicle.
This piece is a reaching out to a friend heart felt poem. Written in an easy, comfortable, conversational style. Just a thought, the one general thing that would improve this poem is the use of a thesaurus to find and use synonyms of some of the common words you used like, shimmer, doubt and fear. I just use those words for example. Write your poem, then look up a number of words from your poem in a thesaurus (awsome one online thesaurus.com) You might be surprised by how changing just a few words can make a poem more wonderful - peach
Well written. No pep talk from me. It is good to have you here as a member. I saw your poem and it do anything for me so I went to your port and found this. Glad I made the effort. If you put this kind of honest directedness into writing poetry you would be speaking with an individual, authentic voice. The rules of poetry are not meant for you. Break them.
very tongue in cheek description since there is nothing serene about the word slashy. the alliteration feels forced. There is nothing serene about capital letters. What I like about the poem is the sound of the words not the meaning. I like word sounds. Alliteration works with the sound but not with the meaning. I assume that you want the reader to get the meaning you intend.
Nice poem about an abandoned little kitty that can't kill it's own food and doesn't like meat. Interesting characterr development. I wish this piece was less anthropomprphic and more feline.
Five stanzas of free verse only three of which are the same length.
This is certainly lyric-like with the simple lines and straight ahead rhymes. That is a real strength. Are these all verses or is one of these a chorus?
I had my first song published and recorded in 1975. This was at the nicest studio in San Francisco and I was hooked. I had a number of songs published and recorded by different bands over the next ten years.
I mention this to point out that what made for good songwritng then makes for good songwriting now.
The first publisher I went too listened to me play the guitar and sing 8 or 10 songs. Then he punctured my baloon with his brutally blunt opinion. His real complaint was that the songs were too complicated, each one was actually 3 or 4 songs. Best advice I ever got.
Back then I was also doing regular poetry readings in clubs and was able to gauge the effectiveness of my writing from the audience. They were much more interested in modern, avant garde, free verse, hallucinatory, and strange verse. I learned right away that they hated rhyming verse. Thought it wasn't cool, too old fashioned.
After reading your bio on your port I thought you might find these comments interesting. I actually have a few lyrics posted in a lyric folder at my port if you care to checkthem out.
keep writing - peach
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