Your story is interesting, but you need to edit and proof. You could start by using the spell check we have here. Then you need to double space between paragraphs. I think you probably need to go to another paragraph each time you change speakers, or subjects.
HoweverYou need a comma herelife will throw sudden curves at you that your not quite as ready for as you think.I think most of us have trouble at one time or another with these words: quit, quiet, and quite. We just have to be careful. It's so easy to use the wrong one. I sometimes make the same mistake.
My grandmother (her mother) came to see her all the way from New York City. This should be two sentences. sShe was 95 at the time.
I noticed in the last story I read, and then in this one you used allot. This should be two words: a lot.
You really need to work on those run on sentences. The story will be much easier to follow if you will check each sentence, and see if it needs to be more than one sentence. End each sentence with a period and begin each sentence with a capital letter.
Publishers do look at the appearance of a story as much, I think, as they do the content. If you have misspelled words, run on sentences, etc. it tends to turn them off. This story is too good to let that happen.
Keep writing.
Grandma Penny
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Angela, if I were a seamstress, and could afford the material, I'd customize a dress for you. I admire your love for the old time ways. You sound like a good history student. And of course, I know you love those Romance stories from way back when.
Keep writing.
Grandma Penny
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This makes a lot of sense. I like what the tealeaves had to say. Those words are so true. We have to put forth effort to overcome hurts, disappointments, and lonliness.
Keepup the good work.
Grandma Penny
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I'm still giving you a 4.5 rating. This is for the story itself. You're doing a great job. Your details and description are awesome. However, you need to edit and cut down on some of your run-on sentences. I know when we're talking, sometimes we rush through and say things in one breath. However, when writing, we have to be careful not to do this. If that is what you're doing here, let me offer a suggestion. Try to use correct sentence structure, and say something to this effect...Herald replied in one breath and then write your sentences. It'll have a good effect. Below, I've listed a few suggestions, but I didn't want to look like I was rewriting your story. I want to encourage you to keep writing.
I love this story, and can hardly wait to read the rest of it. So, take your time in writing it, but hurry! I'm anxious to see the outcome of all this. I can't believe Deacon changed his mind about getting out. I want to see what happens to him.
I hope Herald isn't going to do what it sounds like he's going to do to Clara. If I don't soon find out, the anxiety may cause me to have heart failure. You gotta hurry and finish this. lol
Why won’t you tell me what the plans are for Clara even worse, you don’t tell Regina at all.<--Something about this sentence just doesn't look right. I'm not sure how you should change it. Maybe, make 2 sentences out of it.
“Now, Deacon, calm, down, please.Oops! Too many commas. My suggestion: "Now Deacon, calm down, please."
Judd was going to tell Regina just now, you probably saw him on your way here, and I’ve sent out letters alerting everyone else about it, you must have missed it.Again, I think this needs to be broken down into more than one sentence. I see at least three or four sentences here.
I'm looking forward to reading the remaining chapters.
Keep writing.
Grandma Penny
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I'm giving you a 4.5 although I found more errors than in the other chapters. The story deserves a good rating. You're doing a wonderful job portraying the story. That counts for a lot to me. Don't let my suggestions for corrections discourage you. That's what this site's all about. Improving our writing. Let me stress again, you're doing a wonderful job telling this story. Keep up the good work.
Grandma Penny
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He sat up and rubbed his. <--You left a word out here.
After the spots ceased from flashing, his vision returned. I don't know the rule word for word, but in the first clause, spots is the subject. In the second clause, vision is the subject. spots ceased...vision returned
Regina needed to get Clara out of here for good.
He wouldn’t respect her a bit if she let someone choose what she and her daughter should do with their lives.
“Mommy, why’s In this instance, Clara is speaking of her daddy by name {proper noun}. His name to Clara is Daddy. Example: Why is my}/i} daddy or Why is Daddy ...-->daddy always gone?” Yikes! I hope I haven't confused you. Maybe I should go find the rule. lol It might have been simpler.
Clara still even cared about her father, after all, he was a stranger to her.I think this would look and read better if it were 2 sentences. Or you could use : at the end of father, instead of a comma.
This is a very touching story. I've honestly been pretty much where Sheryl was. This is a great story to show how God answers our prayers and how He supplies our needs.
Argggh! That Judd! I feel so sorry for Regina and Clara.
You're doing a great job with this story. So far you have the right amount of characters for the reader to be able to keep them separated. You've given good desciption of each of them, showing the kind of personality they have.
I wish you had the whole story in your port and I could just sit here and read until I reached the end of it. But, I'm trying to be patient. lol
I didn't see any typos at all this time. Keep up the good work.
Thanks for posting this chapter. I'm looking forward to reading the rest of the story. I read this as soon as I found out you had posted it, but when I hit the send button, I had failed to rate it. It didn't go through.
I can't wait to see what the outcome is with Judd. I am so angry with him for what he's doing to his family, due to his greed. I'm also anxious to see how Deacon turns out. This should really have an iteresting twist or two in it, and I can't wait to read the ending of the story.
I found a few typos and listed them. It looks like might have just rushed to get this posted. This is the kind of boo boos I make when I get in a hurry.
I am intrigued by this story.
Keep writing.
Grandma Penny
They could do nothing but sit around the mansion all day.
“So I could see,” he reached out and moved her hand which was hiding the manifesting bruise, “someone reported shouting coming from here.
“Well, he was upset before that, he just found out that I may not choose him to succeed me.”
it all will be right in my site.” <--Do you mean site or sight?
This is a very touching piece. I can remember how hard it was for me when I miscarried. Although I had two children, my loss was still great. My baby hadn't developed, so I hadn't felt a flutter or any kind of movement. We didn't have sonograms back then, so there were no pictures. Yet, I had been with child, and had lost it. My heart was broken.
I know it was harder on you than it was on me. My heart goes out to anyone who loses a child.
I'm glad you finally were able to grieve.
I didn't see any typos in this piece. You wrote it well. Keep up the good work.
Grandma Penny
This is so true. Going on my own experience with my children, I understand the parents. When you a child who has gone astray, you worry and fret, and pray for them. When they do come around, be it so rare, you're thrilled to see them. Sometimes those who have been here all along, don't understand.
I also understand the older brother to a point. However, if the older brother had been in the right frame of mind, he would have been happy that his younger brother had come home, and would have wanted to celebrate and welcome him back.
Keep writing and sharing these good devotions. I didn't see any typos.
Grandma Penny
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I think you probably need to go to another paragraph each time you change speakers, or subjects.
I sometimes make the same mistake.
My suggestion: "Now Deacon, calm down, please."
I feel so sorry for Regina and Clara.