That was some trip. You've certainly enlightened me about New York. Being from the country, I don't think I want that adventure. I did go to Chicago once. I thought I'd starve to death before I got back to my home of southern fried cooking.
You held my interest all the way through this piece. Actually, I'm craving pizza right now. But, I'd have to have something to wash it down.
The only suggestion I can make to you, is keep writing.
Grandma Penny
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Gosh! This is so sentimental. It almost brought tears to my eyes. This is written beautifully. You have given a very detailed picture of a young girl being there for a friend. Not many young girls would have done this.
In it was an old photo of Mabel and I. Rule of thumb is to leave out Mabel and. Thus reading, photo of I or photo of me. It should read photo of Mabel and me.
Again, let me say, you have done a beautiful job of writing this story.
I especially like the letter that was written by Mabel to Rose.
Keep writing.*smle*
Grandma Penny
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Wow! You certainly had my interest from beginning to end. This is a very interesting story. You gave good detail and description throughout the whole story.
I would like to suggest that you please go into edit, and double space between each pargraph. That will make it so much easier to read.
I found a few typos which I have listed below.
with the rolle of what a father and husband should be.
When the car was torn from the train by a tree planted too close to the tracks,
You have done a good job.
Grandma Penny
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I feel that this folder deserves a 5. You've put a lot of hard work into it, and it shows.
I took an interest in the story, because it is so true to life.
There are things like this going on all around us. Folks just don't realize how easy it is to fall into a trap like the main character of this story did.
Whether a story like this is fiction or nonfiction, I feel everyone should read it and take heed to the real cult-like situations and how they never look as they really are until one is trapped.
Not all cults wind up offering live sacrifices such as killing a child, etc., yet to brain wash another human being is killing that person's ability think for himself.
I'm so glad you chose to let at least one in this story see the truth and expose all the wrong doings.
I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. It kept me on the edge of my seat from beginning to end.
You wrote it in such a way, that I felt the pain, agony, grief and sometimes confusion that the characters were feeling.
In my eyes, you have proved to be one of the best authors on our site.
Please keep up the good work.
Grandma Penny
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Wow! This is such a beautiful tribute to a man called Raleigh. You've given such a complete description of him. I could just hear the music from his fiddle.
I'm so glad folks were good to him. I've met folks like Raliegh. They are a very special lot.
Keep writing and thanks so much for sharing this story with us.
Grandma Penny
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Your story is interesting, but you need to edit and proof. You could start by using the spell check we have here. Then you need to double space between paragraphs. I think you probably need to go to another paragraph each time you change speakers, or subjects.
HoweverYou need a comma herelife will throw sudden curves at you that your not quite as ready for as you think.I think most of us have trouble at one time or another with these words: quit, quiet, and quite. We just have to be careful. It's so easy to use the wrong one. I sometimes make the same mistake.
My grandmother (her mother) came to see her all the way from New York City. This should be two sentences. sShe was 95 at the time.
I noticed in the last story I read, and then in this one you used allot. This should be two words: a lot.
You really need to work on those run on sentences. The story will be much easier to follow if you will check each sentence, and see if it needs to be more than one sentence. End each sentence with a period and begin each sentence with a capital letter.
Publishers do look at the appearance of a story as much, I think, as they do the content. If you have misspelled words, run on sentences, etc. it tends to turn them off. This story is too good to let that happen.
Keep writing.
Grandma Penny
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Angela, if I were a seamstress, and could afford the material, I'd customize a dress for you. I admire your love for the old time ways. You sound like a good history student. And of course, I know you love those Romance stories from way back when.
Keep writing.
Grandma Penny
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This makes a lot of sense. I like what the tealeaves had to say. Those words are so true. We have to put forth effort to overcome hurts, disappointments, and lonliness.
Keepup the good work.
Grandma Penny
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I'm still giving you a 4.5 rating. This is for the story itself. You're doing a great job. Your details and description are awesome. However, you need to edit and cut down on some of your run-on sentences. I know when we're talking, sometimes we rush through and say things in one breath. However, when writing, we have to be careful not to do this. If that is what you're doing here, let me offer a suggestion. Try to use correct sentence structure, and say something to this effect...Herald replied in one breath and then write your sentences. It'll have a good effect. Below, I've listed a few suggestions, but I didn't want to look like I was rewriting your story. I want to encourage you to keep writing.
I love this story, and can hardly wait to read the rest of it. So, take your time in writing it, but hurry! I'm anxious to see the outcome of all this. I can't believe Deacon changed his mind about getting out. I want to see what happens to him.
I hope Herald isn't going to do what it sounds like he's going to do to Clara. If I don't soon find out, the anxiety may cause me to have heart failure. You gotta hurry and finish this. lol
Why won’t you tell me what the plans are for Clara even worse, you don’t tell Regina at all.<--Something about this sentence just doesn't look right. I'm not sure how you should change it. Maybe, make 2 sentences out of it.
“Now, Deacon, calm, down, please.Oops! Too many commas. My suggestion: "Now Deacon, calm down, please."
Judd was going to tell Regina just now, you probably saw him on your way here, and I’ve sent out letters alerting everyone else about it, you must have missed it.Again, I think this needs to be broken down into more than one sentence. I see at least three or four sentences here.
I'm looking forward to reading the remaining chapters.
Keep writing.
Grandma Penny
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I'm giving you a 4.5 although I found more errors than in the other chapters. The story deserves a good rating. You're doing a wonderful job portraying the story. That counts for a lot to me. Don't let my suggestions for corrections discourage you. That's what this site's all about. Improving our writing. Let me stress again, you're doing a wonderful job telling this story. Keep up the good work.
Grandma Penny
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He sat up and rubbed his. <--You left a word out here.
After the spots ceased from flashing, his vision returned. I don't know the rule word for word, but in the first clause, spots is the subject. In the second clause, vision is the subject. spots ceased...vision returned
Regina needed to get Clara out of here for good.
He wouldn’t respect her a bit if she let someone choose what she and her daughter should do with their lives.
“Mommy, why’s In this instance, Clara is speaking of her daddy by name {proper noun}. His name to Clara is Daddy. Example: Why is my}/i} daddy or Why is Daddy ...-->daddy always gone?” Yikes! I hope I haven't confused you. Maybe I should go find the rule. lol It might have been simpler.
Clara still even cared about her father, after all, he was a stranger to her.I think this would look and read better if it were 2 sentences. Or you could use : at the end of father, instead of a comma.
This is a very touching story. I've honestly been pretty much where Sheryl was. This is a great story to show how God answers our prayers and how He supplies our needs.
Keep up the good work.
Grandma Penny
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Rule of thumb is to leave out Mabel and. Thus reading, photo of I or photo of me.
It should read photo of Mabel and me.
I sometimes make the same mistake.
