You've done a wonderful job of this write and of witnessing. I only saw one error.
I dont<--You left out your apostrophe care who you are,
I like the way you gave your own personal testimony in trying to help someone else. It always seems to help when a person knows someone else has been through what they are going through.
I hope this helped your friend, and also that it will help others who read it.
Keep up the good work.
Grandma Penny My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
You've done a great job with this. I found no typos or misspelled words. Your words and verses read smoothly making it easy to understand.
The only thing I saw that I have question about is the fact that most of the poem is about him, yet in one place, you're talking directly to him. This is a bit confusing. It's not bad, just could be better with that part taken care of.
I like the way you take what you've been through and want to see that someone else has a shoulder to lean on. You don't want Jim to go through it alone the way it sounds like you had to. This is called compassion.
Keep up the good work.
Grandma Penny
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A week had passed and I was eating dinner when I was touched. Two hands are placed on my back over my shoulder blades. They softly moved up and down. They radiate. It is indescribable. It stopped my heart and filled my soul.<--The first and last sentences in this paragraph are in past tense while the middle of the paragraph is in present tense. This is a little confusing.
In the third paragraph you told about meeting someone but didn't give her name until the sixth paragraph. You might want to go back to the third paragraph and have your friend introduce you and Haley. That's just a suggestion, but I think it would make the story read smoother.
I had found my best friend and we fit as perfectly together as the most expensive custom made fine leather glove fits the hand of its owner.<--I've read this sentence the way it's written and I've read it by leaving out as perfectly. It seems that by leaving out the words as perfectly, the reader automatically gets the impression that you and Haley fit together perfectly. This would be showing rather than telling.
All people are fragile, its just some people are more fragile than others.Somehow this just doesn't seem to read quite right. You might want to say All people are fragile while some are more fragile than others.
The phone rung Should be rang. The word rung needs a helping verb (which is not needed in this sentence}:ex. has or had.
I've noticed as you get near the end of your story you have more errors. I could mark each of these and give suggestions for corrections, but I feel it would be more beneficial to you if you would go back and maybe read it out loud. It seems when I read my work out loud, I tend to catch my errors easier.
You have a couple run on sentences, and several places after a quote you forgot punctuation.
Also, when telling Haley's real name, you spelled it Dinette. At the end of her poem, it's Denette.
You have done a wonderful job of relating your story. You held my interest from beginnning to end.
Keep up the good work and write on!
Grandma Penny
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds... Go Noticed: v6.0".
This is one of the most informative newsletters I've seen. There are so many choices of items to read. This is a great way to get workers items out there to be reviewed.
I especially found the section telling 5 ways to improve your writing.
Keep up the good work!
Grandma Penny
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You've pulled me right into this. I could imagine myself here. You brought all the senses to life: smell, sight, touch, hearing.
You hear the bubbling of the brook as it flowed<--Since you're speaking in present tense, this should also be present tense. ex: as it flows over the rocks...
tThis special place of yours
The title caught my eye, but the description made me want to read.
This is a very interesting opinion piece. I agree with you somewhat. However, it's easier to pretend to be someone or something we're not online. I've met people on writing.com that I would love to meet in person, but I often wonder how surprised I would be, or how surprised they might be in meeting the "real" me.
This is a great account of what caused Bersilla to be so wicked. I was expecting something entirely different, like maybe her mother had someone cast a spell on her. You did a great job with this.
Bersilla grew up as a well-liked girl, including all of the children. <--Somehow this sentence just doesn't read quite right. Did you mean all the children liked her? You might want to say something like: Bersilla grew up to be a well-like girl, loved especially by all the children. You might could word this even better than I did. It's just a suggestion.
Keep up the good work and write on and on and on.
Grandma Penny
Awww. This is so sweet. Those grandbabies just give us grandmothers a new lease on life, huh?
There's nothing like them. Enjoy every minute with her that you possilby can. It seems like the grandchildren grow up even faster than our children did.
I didn't see any errors in this. You held my interest from beginning to end (of course! I love grandbabies; even those that are not my own. .
Keep up the good work, and continue writing. You should do something like a diary and keep us posted on how she's growing and the new things she learns to do.
Grandma Penny
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YIKES! You've written this well. I found no misspelled words. I could picture Carl slumped over the typewriter typing his poem.
This is chilling.
Keep up the good work and continue writing.
You're going to love writing.com. We're celebrating our 4th birthday this whole week. Come join in and party!
Grandma Penny
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Wow! That's a lot of thoughts. I suppose most of us have all these thoughts, but we just don't acknowledge them. Then again, some of us do. We sail in on the keyboard and put those thoughts in writing. Of course, it's best if we think things through before we write.
I like the second half the best.
Grandma Penny
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Very well done. I've never been very good at doing acrostics. I didn't find any typos or misspelled words. The words flow smooth as butter. This makes it easy to read; not jerky like some I've read.
Keep up the good work.
Grandma Penny
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This is beautifully written. I like the pattern you've used; the way you start out with her presence, then her absence, and at last her returning presence.
This is proof that the saying is true: Absence makes the heart grow fonder.
This ends with such a happy note.
Keep up the good work.
Grandma Penny
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Wow! This is such a beautiful story. I saw no typos or misspelled words.
I love the idea of this story. To put the idea into action would be a wonderful thing.
I could almost see and feel the relief of each child who visits Wink.
The only suggestion I would make for this would be to maybe bring it alive by having a certain character, other than Wink. Example: We'll say Johnny is the other character. You could tell why Johnny is at the doctor's office. Give a description of his appearance: pale and thin...wheezing when breathing...sadness in his eyes.
I think a conversation (of course it would be onesided, except for Wink winking). In this way, you could show the sad eyes turning happy eyes...maybe even have Johnny laughing at Wink for flipping in the water, putting on an act for Johnny.
Just a suggestion, though. It's great just the way it is.
Good luck in the contest.
Grandma Penny
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You might want to break it down into verses; each verse containing 4 lines each.
