This is a really nice, well put together piece. I really liked the similarity between this place and a city. You described that really well. And also you are right about getting so much here for free.
You have a great talent and it shows in this piece.
Stays on topic..I hate poetry that discusses everything under the sun in one piece.
I LOVED the religious theme. I am a Muslim and could really appreciate the theme of this piece.
I find it so important to pray to God. Your poem reminds me of a clip I watched of the Hajj (it is a religious pilgrimage). A convert tells how she prayed to Allah and asked him to rain his mercy on her. On top of the mountain - in the desert it literally started to rain. I love watching this clip because the Muslim lady is crying. Obviously she is touched by the experience.
This is fantastic! I was so shocked when the system picked up authors that I had not reviewed before. This is a great incentive to get out there and review more.
It is hardwork reviewing ports that you are unfamiliar with. Many times you have to search for items that you feel comfortable reviewing. However, newbies deserve the attention. Also I have found when reviewing contests have been run in the past that there are many great authors out there.
This kind of idea gives reviewers the motivation to go out and search for new authors. A great way to suport the site, read great works and make new friends.
You might like to take a look at this item. You have numbers posted on the bottom that make no sense.
Also do the reviews have to be public to be picked up?
Good job!
Dreams
BTW on a different issue. I tried using the amazon tag - but the details didn't show up although it did link to the relevant item
You said that this had not received many reviews. I wanted to offer my opinion for what it is worth. I like poetry that is clear with an easy to understand message.
Your words are clear, but I feel there is a hidden message to all of this that is not.
What is the significance of the paper?
I liked this line 'Try to unfold it, not wanting to rip the delicate words'
I didn't understand what this meant 'Letters mix that should not be mixed,'
If you can explain some of this I will try and re-rate it.
This is a touching tribute. I don't have a brother but I am sure any sibling would love to read this. I am glad you are fortunate to have this relationship, and I hope you were able to share this with him.
'time to give thanks' - Time to...
Verse 3 rhymes quite well with verse 5, however, this is the only verses that rhyme with each other and as you are not trying to aim for rhyming poem I would try and adjust this shift.
I loved the ending 'Thanks for giving me the courage to live again.' - very powerful and moving words.
This is a touching tribute to your daughter. It is a nice piece. You convey a lot in this piece about the time you missed with your daughter and how proud you are of her.
I enjoy writing non-fiction and I think it can throw up a lot of topics that inspire us to write on.
I hope you get the chance to enjoy the grandkids and time with your daughter.
I have rated this 3.5 because it has potential. I know you are new here so I haven't gone into details about how to improve this piece. If you want more feedback then just ask. But this is a personal piece which I am sure means a lot to you the writer. Sometimes pieces like this should be left as they are, unedited. I hope you were able to share this with your daughter.
The opening immediately has my interest. Very descriptive. I like that.
'Pale ivory porcelain, decorated with dainty roses of a deep and striking pink nestled amid just a hint of greenery, the pot was trimmed by a sliver of genuine gold that outlined the graceful curves of the lid, flowing spout and delicate handle.' A very long sentence perhaps consider revising.
'It was much like the woman who owned it. Good comparison.
Her jewelry was simple too You mention a watch, perhaps change jewelry to accesories.
Is Charlotte and aide or nurse - not clear at first.
I liked Charlotte's first reaction. Very realistic.
The drama in the corridor is a little confusing.
'The elderly woman’s perceptiveness startled the girl, and she blushed, embarrassed that her thoughts had been so easy to read. "H — how did you know?"'
The interaction between the two is very interesting and realistic.
'Outside the chill air had taken hold, leaves having spent their color and been pulled down to collect in piles on the ground.'
I love lines like this very visual.
The ending was a little on the predictable side, but nevertheless very touching and sweet.
On the whole the story was very well written. It was touching and warm.
Beautiful. I was told that the last line of this was worth checking out so here I am reading and reviewing. I really enjoyed reading this. At times I didn't feel it flowed as well as it might. But that aside. What a beautiful piece!
It really makes on think and has depth and is inspiring and spirtual. A really good read.
It is written with a lot of understanding about human nature and human suffering. The opening was done particularly well.
I really liked this 'For he feels so self sufficient
That he does not need God much.' - Yes at time we all have this weakness. Thinking that we can go it alone. How wrong we are. You explain so well the cause of going it alone - the loss, the isolation.
The last verse flowed particularly well and I loved this line 'And every day’s a good day
To lose yourself in others'
I have been finding that by giving to others I am the one that gains the most.
A polite letter that neatly discusses a few issues that may concern your president. As he is your president and not mine I can understand why you choose to support him. Those of us that are abroad I think share a very different view of Bush.
You say 'It is their right as citizens to have the option to enter into some legally binding union that will be recognized in all states.' - I disagree. God gave us all rights and they are the same.
You say you are not sure who the religious right are. I would be clear about this point before you tell Bush not to be influenced by them.
'but I can tell you this. They are ' The full stop here stops your sentence right in the middle.
It is good that you are writing to your leader. I think everyone should be vocal about their views.
Welcome to this great site. Hope you have fun here.
This is a really touching piece and I was saying to someone else tonight - kids are amazing . Really cute read and you tell the story well. A nice scene is created here.
Just two things though...
You begin the story with the line 'His father carried him down this morning' - I thought perhaps he was ill. There is an air of mystery in this piece and I am not sure that it is intended. Perhaps consider starting with another line? After all it is not unusual for him to be carried.
You also say 'Daddy set him down' - You mention his father before. I would stick with one thing perhaps.
Thanks for sharing this fascinating read. You write very well. I am not familiar with the petition and feel it would be good to add the specifics here. From what I hear and read women who have abortions do have a choice. But saying that you are talking to them and yes many may feel pressured into it. However, many fathers want the baby and have no choice when the woman goes and has an abortion.
I am surprised you mention only one person who choice to have an abortion.
I do think that more needs to be done to help women make better choices. If they feel alone and isolated and feel they can not study etc. more options should be given to them to help save the childs life.
ahhh what an ending! I really liked this piece. You really made the reader stand in the shop. It was very visual. I loved the dialogue. It was done very well and the accent brought the whole piece to life. I was very impressed but how such a short story could convey so much.
This piece has a lot of potential. It describes well emotional pain. I was surprised to read 'There is no one to blame.'
I particularly liked the way you explain the details of this wound - you did a great job there.
'My thick skin, I can't peal
for if I did, it would cause my death. ' I found the image this created quite gruesome and would try and aim for a different tone to end the piece.
Such personal pieces are hard to review. You do not speak of the exact pain which understandably is very personal to you. All I can say is I hope time and Gods will heals your wounds.
I love it when ppl can get inspiration from observing others and the world around them. I really liked this window into your world. This was a very visual piece, maybe more so because I have recently sat by a fountain...but I could hear it and enjoy this read
A nice read I loved the last 2 lines of every verse - very poetic
Well my first review did not get sent - I loved this piece. I was hooked. Really glad everything worked out ok. For her to be that small and survive is a miracle. Glad you brought the cap. Great ending! You tell the story well.
A great read - very cute and funny. I like the build up and the observations you make about life. It was a nice story, and I like the fact that because it was true you are learning and teaching the reader.
I think because this is a new piece you may want to read over it. I spotted a few typos - missed words, awkward phrases etc.
'Untainted by life and supremely innocent, two through four year olds' - read a little awkwardly to me.
If you want me to spot some of the other typos then just let me know. Oh and take the bold off!
the ending twist on this piece. Brilliant. I had no come to read this item expecting a good laugh but very funny.
Love this 'HEY! GERROFF ME!' and all the rest. Very visual. Very much bringing the reader into your world. I had a good laugh.
I did think there was something wrong with this sentence 'I need less textbooks this year' and I LOVE the way you came to your point and explained yourself. Very interesting about the fewer/less explaination stuff. I just write it and hope it makes sense .
AHHH my has just disconnected, if I had written less in this review and tried to send it then it would be lost now
What was also refreshing about this rant was the use of comedy. If it had just been a plain rant about less then I would have rated it lower, but you show creativity and thought in your writing.
Perhaps think of using colour, bold, and italics in your writing.
This is a very honest piece. Thanks for sharing this. Not only has it told me more about you, but your words here tell me that you have a lot of talent. I enjoyed your style of writing, and I hope you continue to enjoy writing .
You speak your mind and support your arguments. i don't agree with them all, but I do like where you are goign with this. I don't like the fact that America thinks it can do no wrong, and I'm a Brit, but this isn't 'Great' Britain. I like your argument because it is about how we can do things better. It is important. Many times we have a lot to learn from other cultures and ways of life. Take the best from the all I say.
I particularly liked this point'If two boys shoot up a school it must have been a musicians fault. It could not have been due to rejection from their peers, nor from the lack of parental involvement. America's children, and families, are too perfect for that.'
We are so ready to blame other ppl, other nations, other factors. It is sad when the problem may lie with us.
This starts off well, and I guess I was hoping to hear the joke in the end - that would have been a good ending. As it was I think you write well. It is interesting. You have a good style, but the point of this article? Yes don't write jokes. Maybe this was a writing exercise, but as a reader I would have liked to have read a more hard hitting ending.
All the best
Dreams
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the ending twist on this piece. Brilliant. I had no come to read this item expecting a good laugh but very funny.