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Review of Addict  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
DW,

This his very close to home. I deal with depression, see, and usually the meds do the trick. But there are times I crave the old insulating feeling, the suffocating numbness. There's times I want to go back to that dark place, because it's what I knew for so long, what I understand...

That's what I take from this poem. There is a certain fatalistic serenity in despair, and it is like a drug. And you captured the so excellently here.

I will offer one dissenting opinion, though: it ran a little long. (Like I said, just an opinion.) Had it ended after "You'll need it for tomorrow," the meaning and intent would have hit the reader the same, perhaps even with more impact for it's brevity.

Aside from that, this was a great piece, hitting a nerve with many of us, I reckon, reminding us that sometimes we are simply addicts of our own self-destruction.

--Jeffrey
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Claire,

This is interesting. Like another author I just read, Butturbug, your writing style stands out from the latest trends, drawing me in.

Now, I have to say up front that the main crit here is punctuation. Good guides to write by: complete your thoughts with periods; complete your ideas with paragraph breaks; complete your scenes with sections/chapters.

That having been said, WITHOUT the punctuation, your writing style reminds me of Hunter Selby Jr's writing in Last Exit to Brooklyn. It's almost avantgarde; it seems to eschew the rules of writing rather than break them. The omission of the punctuation is so wrong it almost feels right!

The scene itself has a wonderful stuttery feel to it, like disconnected observations are being reported together. It's how the world looks and feels to me when I have a bad fever or a deep depression. That's a sensation that is hard to capture in words, but you've done it here. It's uncomfortable, in a way--again, I think that's because it simply ignores "the rules of writing"--but not off-putting. It's like a crooked picture I want to straighten, or a misspelled word I want to figure out. It makes me want to get to know the character more, to see what is beneath that bemused surface.

So, I can't say the mechanics are great, but I want to read more, at the writing itself must be pretty good!

--Jeffrey
WDC SuperPower Reviewer
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Rated: E | (3.0)
I'M certainly glad you joined. Your entries have reawakened a project I started years ago that is based on a series of journal entries.

As I've noted, your writing intrigues me, and I look forward to future installments.

That's it.

--Jeffrey
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Review of My Second Entry  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
There is something fascinating here. Sometimes my reviews are a little all over the place; I tend to review like I'm in the room talking with you. Sorry if that's off-putting.

So, first thing--really the only thing. The first sentence of this could be edited out. It breaks that fourth wall by mentioning interactivity with the reader's world.

The everydayness of this, and Part III, imply foreshadowing to me, although I can't say why. There's a randomness that is relatable, but subtly spooky and intensely interesting.

I'm not sure if these are actual journal entries or not; but I feel like they could turn into something incredible.

Great job!

--Jeffrey
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Review of My Third Entry  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is very intriguing to me. Essentially a story in media res, it is nonetheless instantly accessible. The language is not stilted, so it doesn't seem forced. And it's 100% banal, which is somehow very comforting.

I'm not sure what the context of this is in your wider portfolio, but I'm going to go check it out.

My only criticism would be that paragraph breaks are missing, and they would help.

Nice work!

--Jeffrey
WDC SuperPower Reviewer
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Review of My Gardens  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Jacky,

I adore the first sentence. It's so doggone real! EVERYbody has felt that way, and it immediately involves and invites the reader. The frustration as the narrative moves on also brings the reader with it.

The inspiration of the dragonfly is a nice turn...but I was left wondering why it had such significance. Is there room here to provide a sentence or two of background on this? When the dragonfly leaves, the inspiration is immediately gone--I feel this way so much, lately. Again, I was able to immediately identify with this feeling and really participate in the story.

I had trouble with the final line, though. It took a few reads for me to really intuit the meaning, for one thing. It seems throw-away, but I realize it's not. It sums up the satisfaction of using avoidance as a coping mechanism. But it seemed out-of-tune to me, like it didn't quite fit either the frustrated or the inspired mood of the rest of the prose.

On a technical note, just watch your commas and run-ons.

Overall, I really enjoyed this, and I'm glad I got to sit with you for a little while and dread some gardening.

--Jeffrey.

(Please note that my reviews are maybe a bit less structured than other reviews. Also, any notes or comments are intended to be constructive, and are not intended to belittle you or your writing in any way.)

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.5)
Maria,

I feel like this might be incomplete; or maybe it is the introduction to a longer series of works. In any case, I'll offer some comments on what you have here.

First, the obvious: it's fine as an introduction, but it is not yet a whole story, lacking character development or arc.

Of more import, though, is the mechanics. You've got some stray commas here and there (a very common mistake), such as "the chickadees, were playing." But more problematic is that most of these sentences are run-on sentences. For instance:

"It was time for her to take a vacation, at that thought her cell phone trilled, she picked it up on the second ring."

needs some stopping points. An example of more correct structure would be:

"It was time for her to take a vacation! At that thought her cell phone trilled, and she picked it up on the second ring."

It will be interesting to see what these two young ladies do to find love during this time of regrowth and renewal!

(Please understand that my notes are for constructive purposes only. They are not meant to belittle or denigrate your work or skill in any way.)

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8
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Review of Nurse not there  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (1.5)
This is a very touching memory. I have no disbelief whatsoever that it truly happened.

There are serious problems with the mechanics here, though. I'm going to guess English is not your native language (if I'm wrong, please forgive me!) because your noun plurality and verb tenses are very mismatched. There's other grammatical and structural issues--misplaced paragraph breaks, random use of quotation marks, etc. (These issues are the reason for the low rating, not the meaning of the story itself.)

A truly magical moment where help from Higher up gets us through a difficult moment always makes for a good read. Thank you for sharing this with us.
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Sharky,

A view from the eyes of a character is always enjoyable, allowing the reader to immerse himself in the environment and the thoughts of the teller of the story. Through this style, your story rings through: we work ourselves weary at sea; we miss our home; we love the homecoming; we dread the harbor work; we love the drink and loved ones at home; we work ourselves weary at home; and then we head out to do it all again. Good job telling the story.

I have to point that there are a lot of mechanical errors, however. You have some spelling mistakes here and there, and maybe some homophonic confusion. But of more import are the punctuation errors. For instance, there is no space in front of a comma or period (full stop), only after. Also, there are a lot of sentence fragments and run-on sentences. Literary style can license you for a lot of these, but not all.

On the whole, I think you have a good first draft here, and I would be very interested in reading the final copy, should you choose to make edits.

--Jeffrey
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Review of The Yellow Bird  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
TJ,

This is a nice little tanka. As we know, Japanese poetry depends on a "turn" within the poem, where two elements are juxtaposed or seemingly unrelated topics brought into connection. Here, we see a yellow bird of warmer weather; then we are shown the ground blanketed in cold snow. These conflicting images are brought into harmony as we are reminded of the change of season, with all its unspoken uncertainty and false starts.

I find oriental poetry quite beautiful--saying a lot in just a few syllables takes incredible discipline and creativity. I think you have tackled the task quite well, and I have enjoyed reading it.

...although, I wouldn't mind if spring would HURRY UP and arrive!

--Jeffrey
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Review of Monster  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood... And when they came back together, there was hell to pay!"

The idea of the protagonist working at cross-purposes to his own values in this story is interesting. The reader has to ponder how often he sells his OWN scruples, and for what price. Writing that makes someone think is good writing indeed.

I found this to be a good draft. It has the feel of a work in progress, like there are details still in the writer's mind that just haven't been written down yet, dialog that wants to be smoothed out,etc. Regarding punctuation and other mechanics, I didn't see any glaring issues, though.

I like the idea here, but--and remember, I'm just one guy who ain't exactly topping the Hottest Writers of the Year list, myself--it seems like a framework, literary scaffolding for a much richer architecture the world will likely see in the near future.
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Well this is interesting. This story has a lot to do with fate... And I just now completely randomly read your poem Bathtub Dilemma. Fate indeed.

I am fated to read the next installment of THIS story, though. The description of the premonition was very identifiable, and the suspense of the invading Voice touched the reader's fears strongly.

However, descriptions of the physical surroundings are a bit lacking. Personally, I would love to have been able to immerse myself more completely by visualizing the story.

I'm invested, though. I've got my eye out for the next installment, so that means it was written pretty good so far, right?
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
I appreciate the difficult subject matter you've tackled here. Losing a loved one is hard; guiding them forward on the path that leaves you behind is perhaps the noblest thing a person can do.

There are a lot of mechanical issues you could address here, though, the most important of which might be using paragraph breaks. The human eye gets weary if it can't take a break every few lines; and when the eye gets weary, it takes the mind with it, so we have to be careful in our textual formatting not to exhaust our readers. You have a lot of opportunities to improve (and often simply add) punctuation, too.

Great topic; very nice vignette. I encourage you to have a crack at some of the technical parts of the writing. Nevertheless, I enjoyed your work.
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Review of Prayer  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This being a very personal and specific piece, I'll address the mechanics only. I'm rather a fan of acrostics, and you've performed this one smoothly. (An acrostic IS kind of like a printed word dance, don't you think?)

I have just a couple of observations:
1) There should not be a period at the end of the second line. Your enjambment carries the sentence through to the next line cleanly.
2) "Awakens" should be "awaken." The verb needs to match the plurality of the subject, which is "voices."
3) This one is just an opinion. You may want to change "your" to "our" in the second to last line; or vice-versa in the last line itself.

A simple, accessible, honest piece, this is comfortable to read, even if one is of different faith. Nicely done.
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Review of Download This!  Open in new Window.
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Rated: ASR | (5.0)
See, this is what I often emphasize. The UNsaid is often louder than what is screamed. What is IMPLIED is more tantalizing than what is specified. You demonstrated that brilliantly with this.

I love the relatable descent into obscenity by our protagonist here. I have a feeling "they" world want me off their planet pretty quick, too.

"That's just plain wrong." That line cracked me up.

It's a short piece, and I really don't have any ideas to make it better. I think you did a great job, and I enjoyed it very much!

--Jeffrey
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Review of Inkless Pen  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I love it. This had the loose feeling of a free-write, but with some humorous focus applied to give it structure. Giving the power of the muse to the writing utensil itself is interesting, and insinuating in the beginning that writing your ideas is a sacrifice of blood from your muse has some thought-provoking implications as well.

The last couple of lines in this acrostic are humorously dramatic, and round the whole piece out nicely.

If I were to offer any criticism, I might suggest reviewing the lines for E, D, and M for opportunities to make them a little more concise.

Very enjoyable read, my friend. Well done.
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Obsession. Depression. Cyclic self destruction. Defeat.

You capture these feelings with disturbing clarity, making the reader wonder if you are IN love or ADDICTED to this love.

The unconventional "verses" were unexpected, and made me slow down to read them. And so I was able to really dig into that third stanza (my favorite), with it's slightly varied repetition and visceral descriptors. I felt like I was caught in the vortex right alongside you.

Poetry is a work of inner individuality, so I don't exactly think in terms of "good" or "bad." This poem affected me, though, made me pause, made me feel. And therefore, I think it was some pretty darn good writing.

--Jeffrey
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Review of Him  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
"Fear is cancer of the confidence." Pithy, eh? But true, and your writing supports it. Your conversational tone kept me interested, and this is not usually my cup of tea. Good job!

The paragraph at the end about his fans was particularly original and very illustrative. I liked that a lot.

I would suggest that the parenthetical parts might be omitted or brought into the text more deliberately; the facts stated there are important to your premise.

This piece resonated with me, because I have cancer of the confidence myself. Nice job!

Jeffrey
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Having read your exploration of young-adult coming-of-age trial and triumph, I'd like to leave you my thoughts about it. Please understand that these are just my thoughts, and they are by no means authoritative. Also, any comments or suggestions I leave here are intended to be supportive and constructive.

First, I'd like to address the mechanics of this piece, beginning with one word: paragraphs! I almost skipped reading this because the block of text was dense and cumbersome. Not only do paragraphs help organize your thoughts to the reader, but they also provide white space for the reader's eye to physically rest. A legal text book would look much less intimidating if the pages were set up more like a novel than a text book, eh? Within those paragraphs, though, be sure you focus on tense agreement. Most of your story is written in present-tense, but it slips to past tense at times, too. For instance: "I finally kissed her and it feels good." Since the story ends in the present, you might find it easier to couch the rest of it in the past tense. Finally, for this part of my review, I'll leave the note that punctuation and sentence structure could use work. That's a general note; I'm not trying to pick this apart piece by piece.

OK, that's all the "bad news." I thought the character arc was perfect. It is an everyday experience that we learn something about ourselves--and the world around us. Discovering truth is the joy of any journey, and discovering the truth about oneself is simply sublime. In short, this was a story worth writing.

Now...I don't know about you, but I'm not a really responsible writer. Once I write something and get reviews etc, I rarely actually go back and change anything. In this case, though, I think you have an opportunity to build this into something much stronger, even, than what it is now. Particularly advantageous would be expounding on the reasons Savannah has discovered that it IS okay to be gay. With much of the story focused on the fear and anxiety of discovery--by self and by others--the positive message that it is perfectly fine to be gay gets a bit overshadowed.

I hope something I have have noted is helpful and/or encouraging to you; that's the only reason I leave reviews. Thank you for the opportunity to offer my comments and observations.

Best of luck; and Write On!

--Jeffrey Meyer
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Review of The Descent  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Ray,

Well this was a cheery start to Valentine's day! *Wink*

First, I want to complement you on this bookending form, ending every other line with the same word (or a homonym of it) with which the line began. I quite like it! I did something similar once, and I know it can be challenging to maintain a narrative while focusing on this mechanical challenge. I think you did it great!

The vocabulary in this is particularly stylized, leaving the reader little room to interpret outside the vision you had while writing. Assuming this was the intent, great choices with most of the words. However, I must admit that some of the words were a bit...trite? Vile, madness, soul... That's just MY opinion.

As the narrative progresses, I see an interesting theme develop. The speaker in the poem is not focused so much on lamenting his destruction or self-destruction as much as he is on realizing an awareness that his emotional and mental turbulence is impacting his control over his behavior and inhibition. This makes him dangerous to those around him, as is summed up in the final stanza. This is a different course than most "madness" poems I have read, and I appreciated the new direction it led me to contemplate.

Nicely done, Ray.

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Tim,

I always respect someone brave enough to put there spirit on the page. It's like putting your money where your mouth is.

In that being, I liked this poem.

I have some suggestions that you might find interesting or useful in the future a though. Really it's just one suggestion: trim. "Of," "and," "for," "the...". Get rid of as many of these as you can without making the lines gibberish. Leave only the important words. Try it with the first stanza and see how it feels.

Again, just one guy's suggestion.

Keep up the honest writing; it's what makes a Craftsman an Artist.

Jeff Meyer
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Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Heeey! I like it!

It took me just a minute to get it at the end--and that's awesome! I like to have to think about a joke or a story for a minute. This was clever in the extreme. I am surrounded by genius in this contest.

Glad I had a chance to read this!

--Jeff Meyer
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Review of The Only Way Out  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Jeff,

That was awesome. You played it perfectly. Good god, a hundred words is a lot harder than one would think! You did it brilliantly. I really enjoyed this!

--Jeff Meyer
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Review of Mystery Woman.  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
FRIENDZONED!

I've been here a couple times. You conveyed the feeling of rueful memory well, especially with the final verse. A suggestion: mind your punctuation. You can really control the reader's flow by using commas and semicolons and colons as opposed just a period, or a comma.

I enjoyed this poem, and look forward to reading more.

--Jeff Meyer

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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Harry,

From an early age, my grandmother admonished my brother and me: "Remember, when you're driving a car, you're piloting the nosecone of a rocket." Transpose "rocket" with "bullet." It's a point well-made.

I think your vocabulary was chosen well for the topic and the audience. Keeping it to three stanzas prevents you from falling into my own pit: never. shutting. up. Your sentences are concise but complete--a lesson which I can learn.

I was confused by the rhyme scheme, or lack thereof. There seems to be a lot of flirtation with -ill, -un, and -age. But no particular rhyme structure ever establishes itself. I was wondering if that was intended or just happened that way. Unfortunately for me, i observe the structure at the same time I read the poem, so irregularities like that have a tendency to throw me off-topic a little. Hopefully that's just me, though.

I'm glad I ran across this storoem today. Relevant and insightful, it is a caution to us all that guns are not the only danger on our streets today.

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