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1
1
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Tiny,

This was a bit of a surprise! Well...just a little surprise. *Wink*

The dynamic of dominance and submission has so many different flavors that there is room for every kind of fantasy out there. This particular form of helplessness seems to involve being held against one's will, forced exhibitionism, and even some light psychological abuse. There's also an inversion of rape theory here. Many men rape because they are deluded by the fantasy that they are somehow doing the woman a favor, that she actually wants it and just can't admit it. In this story, our character is used somewhat against his will, but he allows himself to enjoy being forced to succumb. One of the biggest differences between rape and dominance is that there is a reciprocal agreement between the subject, an agreement that they both want it. That agreement is not in play here, which in fact makes this a form of sexual assault.

The physical perils the protagonist faces are sort of funny...until one puts oneself in his shoes (or in his shoelessness, in this case). Being eaten alive?! Being tossed into the trash bin? Being suffocated in a bowl of popcorn?! These are absurd situations, but nonetheless deadly. While they give the character room for action and insert some tension into the story, there's also just enough humor to keep the reader relaxed and engaged.

The different sensations against his nude body from various materials is interesting, and when one considers it, it's a bit arousing. Silk, leather, oil, food, latex--there's all kinds of textures that are erotic against naked skin. Exploring these sensations in your story allows the reader to fantasize a little about what it would feel like to be coated in warm-ish butter, for instance. (I thought about it; I'll pass on that one.)

We are invited to think about the scenario from the deviant young woman's perspective, also. But now it is a moral question: if you find a helpless person, do you help them or take advantage of them? And if you decide you would take advantage, how far would you go? The answer can be pretty damn disturbing, if we're honest with ourselves.

The fact that everyone is underage in this story is unusual. From the young girl to the pre-teen boys and the teenaged antagonist, there's some scenarios possible here that might be better left unexplored...

A mechanical note: ALL CAPS SUCKS! All caps and single-spaced lines made for an intimidating text. I almost didn't read it. Whitespace and normal-cased, comfortably font-ed text is much more inviting, and it is actually less physiologically fatiguing for the reader. I had to take away a half-star for that. *Frown*

This seems to be part of a larger story, and I'm intrigued enough to read more and see how you progress this. Will it become straight-up porn? Or will you be able to weave a decent storyline through it? You've got my interest. Let's see where you go with it. Write on!

--Jeffrey
2
2
Review of Summer  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Sa_xe,

Uh-oh. I'm not on board with this one. There's not quite enough here for me. I can feel the summer and I can feel the freedom. I can feel the memory of school fading from my mind...

But what else? I'm sure there were more lazy, drifting thoughts as you relaxed into the long vacation. A brief glimpse of your hopes for the summer, even if they were vague or open-ended? "Golden days made each day stretch on forever" is too "hurry-up-and-finish" for me. I wanted you to stretch it out some.

Now, that having been said, your first paragraph was excellent. It was so... I don't know--livable? It let me flow into the environment and feeling so nicely. Such vocabulary, yet again!

Sorry I wasn't over the moon about this one, but it won't discourage me from reading the rest of what you've done!

Respectfully,

--Jeffrey
3
3
Review of highschool lovers  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Maddie,

This is another well-written love story. The first thing I want to applaud is how tasteful you keep your story. There could be a lot more physicality if you wanted to...but that's not what the story is about. It's about love, and it's a love story that is universal. That's kind of a strength. One could swap this out for two boys or a boy and a girl, and because there's not a lot of explicit content, it would still be the same love story. But...

It might be a weakness, too. If this could be any two people, it begs the question, for me--what's the point? No, I'm not trying to be a jerk. I'm trying to prompt a little more from the story. Stories usually have a conflict or an obstacle, unless they're a vignette. The reader wants to see the protagonist win through, succeed, overcome. So...what's the interesting part here? What do these young women overcome? Why does it matter that they're gay? Give me something more to chew on...

Okay, mechanics time--nothing but top marks! Grammar, punctuation, sentence construction--which is a dying art, I swear! I applaud your use of a larger font, too. It was much easier for me to read, and less intimidating. The line separations between paragraphs helped, as well. (It's interesting, I think, how there is an actual psychological and physiological correlation between white space/ font size and the mental comfort of the reader.) I've already commented on theme, so I don't need to address that again here.

I will be so bold as to offer some constructive criticism on reorganization, though. Here's why. The end is rather abrupt, and even though it's a positive ending, that can be a little unfulfilling for the reader; it just kind of hurries up and finishes. I suggest you put the last three or four paragraphs at the top, then recall the girls' romance as it bloomed in flashback or retrospect. Then perhaps wrap up with a forward-looking paragraph. It kind of follows the basic guide I learned for essays:

~Tell me what you're gonna tell me: Two girls fell in love, and now they are happy

~Tell me: here's how it started, progressed (conflict?), and here we are back to the present

~Tell me what you told me: They're living happily now, and moving forward they will...?


Stories about love are the stories that matter. I can see stories about hate any time I turn on CNN. So I'm happy to see this is the style you prefer, and I look forward to reading more.

As always, Maddie, please bear in mind that my comments are just my own opinion. I mean neither disrespect nor discouragement.

Write On, Maddie!

--Jeffrey
4
4
Review of Your Soul  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (2.0)
Becka,

There's not much to go on here. The reader is left a little confused and needing more context. Does the second line imply death? Desertion? Simply a breakup? Or am I off-base in the other direction?

I would suggest reworking this into a haiku, perhaps, using that extra line to provide some context; maybe even a tanka. Japanese poetry is often distilled messages of love. Perhaps even another couplet in this current format would be anough.

Whatever you choose, I hope you add a little more to this so that the reader can feel it and absorb it a bit more.

BTW, the rating does not need to be 18+. You can leave it that way, but this is okay for everybody.

--Jeffrey
5
5
Review of A Little Get Away  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lord Byron,

This reads like Mark Knopfler's "Postcards from Paraguay." *Wink*

I don't see any mechanical errors in this--grammar, punctuation, etc. The arc is clear and the character defined enough so we aren't left wondering about him. The theme is plain and understandable. That doesn't leave room for critique, just opinion!

The temptation to take is curiously strong, even at others' expense. It takes strong moral wherewithal to resist--the bigger the haul, the strong the will must be. But, as we see in the news all too often, that temptation is too hard to resist for some. The guy in your story took the money and ran, which was the smartest thing he could do. (By the way, mentioning he was in a non-extradition country was a great touch--just a brushstroke, but definitive.) Why do so many white-collar crooks in real life just stay where they are, taking and taking until they inevitably get caught? People are dumb.

The way you compound the character's lack of morals is made all the clearer by him a) screwing his secretary, b) screwing her over by ditching her and c) not giving a flying damn about any of it.

His final act of throwing the phone into the ocean, cutting all ties, is both a good ending and a temptation in and of itself. I've often wondered if my phone, water-resistant though it is, would survive in the cesspool!

(--Ooh! I found a crit! The fifth paragraph should be line-separated into 3 separate lines, as the rest of the piece. *Laugh*. I had to try to find something!)

Thanks for helping me start my morning off with a grin.

--Jeffrey
6
6
In affiliation with RAOK Upgrade Brigade Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Sax,

Man, you have a way! I love these little scenes.

"The red door, once bright, was faded, and in its mind it was thinking of better days."


Wow. Giving the door its own memories is brilliant. Closed doors in dreams (and what is a memory if not a sort of dream?) can represent unresolved issues or transition periods, or even protection. How many unspoken words and unforgiven fights has this door contained? How many times has this door opened only to close with new souls inside? Was this door happier when you were protected inside it? Such a poetic line.

As I've mentioned in other reviews, your prose is direct and comfortable, with simple sentences that are easy to intuit. Your ending is perfect, too. It completes an arc that is more complex than the words that describe it. "...to remember them felt sad." You felt sad and uncertain to be staring at the house, the door of the house that was the portal to both your past and future felt sad, even the clouds even felt uncertain. Moving on is accretive; we hardly notice it happening. But when we revisit something, that gulf of time is suddenly palpable. As your arc demonstrates, we see something (like a house or a door), then we interpret it, then we feel it. And then we try to move on again.

I could read an entire book of these vignettes, my friend. Write On!!

--Jeffrey
7
7
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Denmako,

Being an agnostic, I had to read this when I saw it, to see if it was an honest essay or religious, jingoistic BS. I'm quite happy to see it is a logical, defensible essay.

Each of your points is valid, and I think they're also true. For the most part. But let me talk about the writing first, then I'll offer thoughts on the content.

The writing is strong. Excellent "5-paragraph-essay" construction. An early mentor of mine (coincidentally a church outreach mentor) gave me the best advice for any delivery, although it was the 5 Paragraph Essay we were talking about at the time:

1) Tell em what you're gonna tell em
2) Tell em
3) Tell em what you told em


You followed those instructions perfectly, and I was able to digest your essay with no problem at all. Well done.

Mechanics are all spot on, save for a comma or two (I think; commas plague me, too, sometimes). If there were one critique I would make, it would be that you might be well-served by using more comfortable verbiage. This would be a great academic contribution. But since you're talking to us fairly casual readers, perhaps a more conversational vocabulary would make for more comfortable reading for us.

Now, content. I cannot fault your presentation or logic in any way, so I'll "argue" a bit. I was raised in the Catholic cult church until I was in 6th grade. I experienced much that refutes some of your points. However, I've attended more open churches since, so I'll use those as the basis for my arguments and try not to let my earlier indoctrinations tint my rebuttals overmuch. Remember--these are my opinions, offered as respectful discussion with/against your points above. Please don't make any voodoo dolls in my likeness. *Wink*

Inclusivity vs Exclusivity: That depends on the church and the congregation. It also depends on how long you've lived in town, and that can be a tricky scenario to navigate, especially in a church. Sadly, I've experienced more exclusivity than inclusivity; I seem to perpetually be the outsider.

Diversity: I've never experienced that. The church communities I've experienced are cliquish and demographically homogenous. A lot of that is the culture of the neighborhood in which the church is situated. A lot of it is also denominational. As a white Presbyterian, I defy you to go sit in an African Episcopal Church on Sunday Morning and feel at home. (Those are just the two most widely-varied denominations I could think of; no racial disrespect intended.)

Support: So long as you haven't sinned, you get support. Once you cross that line and you've sinned, you don't get support, you take a mental, emotional, and spiritual beating, bringing you back into the ways of the church by the force of humiliation and isolation. And the infuriating thing is that the sin doesn't even have to be against God, but against the church and the congregation itself. AS it was sung, "They say you're beautiful / and they'll always let you in / but doors are never open / to the child without a trace of sin."

God: What and who is God? I think my mother's God was probably the truest I've experienced. She had a one-on-one personal relationship with Jesus Christ. It was so natural and real that if he had been with her physically, he probably would have slapped her as many times as he would have held and healed her. Her relationship was real, not guided by a church or a book--guided by her spirit and love for Jesus Christ as a friend as well as a father and teacher. I think everyone's relationship with God should be that way, according to their own understanding. Of course, that's the difference between Faith and Religion: Religion is control; Faith is freedom and peace. So...who can really teach God? Isn't Sunday School simply an inculcation of one group's understanding of God onto another group, rather than a guidance toward the concept of God?


See how well-written your essay is? I can argue or agree to each point concisely and distinctly, making discussion possible, comparison of ideas and clear thoughts. That's a superb quality for an essay, because thought and conversation are the ultimate goal for this style of writing, yes?

Great write, my friend.

--Jeffrey
8
8
Review of Turning 20  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Legs,

I was just listening to Jackson Browne's "Running on Empty" this morning, thinking much the same thoughts. But replace 20 with 50.

We're flippant about age, when it suits us, aren't we? "Age is just a number/ what a lie." Man, you hit the nail on the head there. But twenty isn't so bad, you'll see. There's still a lot of time to make mistakes and fix them and still be alright before they're set in stone. "Take me back to 19." I read that and thought wryly, "Are you sure? You'd just have to struggle with turning 20 all over again."

You sound like an old soul, like me. It feels like time's been running out since I learned to read a clock. "It's coming closer...twenty screamed it." Take a breath, my friend, and get your feet set. The passage of time only gets faster from here, but if you're ready for it, it doesn't hurt quite so much. Not quite.

Let me offer a couple of comments on the writing itself, if I may. Really, I have only two observations, either or neither of which may help you articulate your thoughts better.

~ 1) Consider some section breaks, like stanzas; separate out each idea and image for us. Let us breath between each of your statements so we can reflect for a moment and identify.

~ 2) Consider punctuation. It can help with your cadencing. Read this out loud; listen to your pauses, your stops, your emphasis. Punctuation can help you communicate that to us, and allow us to experience the emptions at the same pace you do.


Remember, these are just suggestions, offered respectfully and encouragingly.

Here's a couple other suggestions--some popular output that you might identify with:
~Jackson Browne - Running On Empty
~Pink Floyd - Time
~Bob Seger - Night Moves
~Jackson Browne - The Pretender
~Twenty One Pilots - Stressed Out


It's a strong poem we can all identify with and that leaves us thinking. In any case, "Happy" birthday, Legwrites. *Wink*

--Jeffrey
9
9
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (1.5)
Juice,

This is certainly intense! Children are so often the victims of the world around them, and they are left to protect themselves and each other the best they can. It's always a painful picture that is painted.

I have to be honest, though: this picture is very muddy and unclear.

This starts in the middle--of hat, we don't know, but it appears to be a fairly common occurrence for there to be violence in this house. Is there a significance to the date? Is this a journal entry? Part of a larger story? The reader is unfortunately confused from the start.

Punctuation and plurality issues are a problem throughout, but I'm not responding to pick on you. I think if this can start being ironed out, the ideas need better organization. Here's how the story reads right now:

1) There is damage and violence happening around us again.
2) We hide and try to protect each other.
3) My mother gave birth to me under less-than-ideal circumstances.
4) We escape the house.
5) We have inconsistent reactions to the recent stress.
6) We smoke.
7) We go to sleep.


As we can see in these condensed bullet points, there's really no arc here; it's just throughput from point A to point B, with no character development, story exposition, conflict/resolution element. As a specific example of the thematic organization problems, the circumstances of the narrator's birth don't belong in the middle of this. That detail could go there if it was organized better, introduced more smoothly, and moved away from with more purpose. Right now, it's random, at best.

This is a dark picture you have written, but it is an important one. "The kids are not alright." Well, you certainly capture that here. I'd be interested to see this reorganized and thought through more, cleaned up a bit. You have something here you just need to ...Write On!

--Jeffrey
10
10
Review of Terrible Teens  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (2.5)
Amateur,

(Feels weird addressing someone like that. *Silent*)

This is an interesting flash. The first thing I notice is the wealth of physical description. I am able to visualize the parents, especially Prudence, quite well; just their garb already hints at their personalities. That's a nice, economic use of descriptors, achieving two goals at once. The clash of generations is depicted clearly as well.

There are some points that I saw that need a bit of work, too. In this case, the first thing that stood out was the lack of an actual story arc or thematic arc. The story is unresolved, either through action, dialog, or closing narrative commentary. The reader is left asking "And...?"

You should probably revisit some mechanical issues, as well. You have several punctuation errors. This always seems like nitpicking, but punctuation tells the reader when to breathe, when to pause, when to think about what was just said; it controls the rhythm and cadence of the piece, often allowing the author to speed up or slow down action and emotion in the story without the need of words. I'll give just a couple instances of where punctuation ius needed and leave the rest to your own capable eyes.

         "I really don't understand this lazy generation," he moans. "It's like groundhog day every morning with her.".

         Prudence gasps in anger, struggling to catch her breath. "Arabelle, get up and get dressed. when my parents called me in the morning, I would spring out of bed straight away, get dressed, Mum and Dad inspect our uniform, and then-- and not until then-- had we breakfast!"

As demonstrated in the second example above, you've also got some run-on sentences plaguing these paragraphs, as well.

My last note on mechanics is with regard to tense agreement. Your first sentence is in the past tense: "Prudence Sternwood yelled." You then shift into present tense when the husband begins speaking. "...this lazy generation' he moans..." It's important to keep a narrative primarily in the past or the present--either this already happened, or it's happening now.

This last comment is NOT about the story itself; it's about the portfolio item settings. We all want to read and be read. To increase your chances of readers finding your work, I suggest you utilize the Genre Tags. (I have the bad habit of skipping over this, myself *Frown*) For example, this story might fit into the genres of "Teen," "Parenting," and "Young Adult." Readers searching for genres they prefer are more likely to find your work this way. Also, use the Brief Description field to your advantage. The text you enter in this field is like the synopsis on the back of a novel or a headline in a newspaper, and if it's not interesting, the story it describes is much less likely to be read.

I hope some of these comments are helpful, and moreover, I hope they're all encouraging. I look forward to seeing more of your work. Write On!

--Jeffrey
11
11
Review of The battle  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Tannus,

I'm late to the party on this one, but it's timeless anyway, so I guess I'm alright. Man, the number of times I've wanted to just let the dog off the leash! But, as you say, we settle on the side of civility. It's a universal feeling I guess, so I better keep my own dog on the chain unless I want someone else's anger-hound to chew me up!

The overall tone of this is akin to one of my favorite Robert Frost poems--"The Door in the Dark" (https://www.poetryverse.com/robert-frost-poems/the...). There is a playfulness to it that is attractive, but a real experience in which the reader can share. Frost knocked himself senseless, whereas this piece wants to knock someone else senseless. *Wink*

My favorite line was
         "To envision the hand open and in flight
         gives an ear to ear grin of delight"

So, so shamefully truer...!

Let me offer a few comments by way of constructive criticism (even though this is 7 years old, now). Primarily, I think you could better present this poem by adding a little punctuation. Punctuation is often forsaken in poetry, but it can really help keep individual thoughts clear. It can also help break up the sing-song tendency in verse. As a brief example, here's the first five lines with some punctuation.

         There are times when you have that
         sudden urge to strike out,
         But civility helps you swallow the shout.
         The sudden rage that builds up inside
         swells to an unfathomable bull ride!

Whether wish to or not to consider the punctuation, "ear to ear" should be "ear-to-ear," because the entire phrase is an adjective.

I liked this somewhat amusing musing on the battle to hold one's temper-- a nice reminder for starting a Monday morning!

--Jeffrey
12
12
Review of The Truth Is...  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Schnujo,

This is an interesting piece that reminds me a little of the poem Stephen King's character, Jake Chambers, wrote in "The Waste Lands."

The message is clear: there's a lot of stuff that's true; some of it's pretty weird; and too much of it is simply disturbing. This freeform presentation, with the repetition of "the truth is" on every line is an uncommon tool, and it calls the reader's attention. I think it was a good choice.

I wonder if there would be any benefit to pruning sofe of the longer items-- removing articles or clauses, fit insurance--to give it more uniform flow from one truth to the next. It also struck me that resequencing the points (for instance, humorous to banal to strange to disturbing) might help direct the reader along a thematic arc, rather than a random collection of points.

I read back through this a few times because I find it so interesting. I'll probably read it a few more, you. So thanks for for leaving it up for us latecomers. And thanks, and thanks again.

--Jeffrey
13
13
Review of Cinnamon & Chaos  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Aiden,

This was very nice. VERY nice. A little innuendo, some lingering moments... Mostly, I liked the way it walked the fine line between coy and playful. Adn while I've never really been the one to save the coffee cup, so to speak, I know exactly what it's like to put my foot in the mop bucket.

The playful banter is well-executed throughout. There is enough contextual narration to give the conversation a physical aspect, as well; we can see the kinesthetics, giving us a better understanding of the exchange. The wordplay and double entendre around the dough and the rolls is spicy, indeed, both characters seeming to enjoy dancing around the actual topic of a mutual attraction. The reader is invested and interested after only a few minutes of this meeting.

All of your mechanics are spot-on. I didn't get confused by misplaced commas or tense inconsistencies, etc. The only question, beyond "what next," is whether or not these two already know each other. The first paragraph suggests the woman is not familiar to the guest, but their banter becomes very personal very quickly. Did they know each other previously in life? Are they a couple who is trying to make up or reunite? Or are they really just, as Bob Seger put it, brave strangers? I don't know if it even matters, but the question stays with the reader, so I thought I'd note it.

I'm a sucker for rom-com's, but I'm not usually a fan of written love stories. This story, however, was quite enjoyable, and it has left me eager to read more of it, if any more is forthcoming.

Very good job. As always, Write On!

--Jeffrey
14
14
Review of Flower Fields  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Fyn,

Oh, this is lovely indeed. Hope and reality are bitter enemies, from what I've experienced, and it seems the object of this poem has come to the same sad conclusion. The pattern of the one-word lines is wonderful. If there is a term for that, I have forgotten it. It works so well for a contrast here: the same brushstrokes that painted her bright morning also paint her stormy evening.

Let me touch on a couple of small items, as constructive observations. "One" in line 8 should probably still be "her," since the object of the poem is definite, not indefinite; and the colon after "waiting" is not needed.

This is a wonderful poem, and a bittersweet way to start the day. I'm glad to have had the opportunity to read and leave a comment.

--Jeffrey
15
15
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Sophy,

I like to hike--I love it. But, as in this poem, I prefer to road-hike, to "walk along the edge of the unpaved road." This poem spoke to me deeply. The only difference in my own sentiment is that: a) I wore boots, because my walks were usually 5 to 10 miles, and b) I preferred to leave no trace. It's a very weird way to look at it, but the road was there before me, without my marks, and it should stay that way--deserves to stay that way. Either way, there was nothing like walking with just the sound of my feet on the ground to hint that there were people anywhere nearby.

The poem is bittersweet, though. You'll notice I mention it in the past tense. I can't or don't take those hikes anymore, and I miss them terribly. This poem brought back memories of that important time so exactly that I sighed while reading it, as if I had met an old friend after years of separation.

I always look for a constructive note to leave. The only one I can even think to offer for this poem is that "Tevas" broke me out of the generality of the scene. "Sandals" or even "shoes" would have worked better for me. But that's just me.

Excellent poem (as though you've never heard that in the twenty years it's been here! *Wink*). A great way to start my day.

--Jeffrey
16
16
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Enigma,

The opening of this story is unique in my experience--a woman going into an anesthetic state. Way to grab my attention!

The story arcs across some dark territory, skimming the surface of the painful past, but offering enough detail to break the reader's heart. The resurrection of hope through Him is a fine completion of the arc, as the woman/storyteller closes down into the anesthetic. I am left wondering, though, because of the gravitas of the piece: is she going into emergency surgery? Is she actually dying? The mention of oblivion as an alternative to the anesthetic is a clue...to something. There is a finality in the tone that suggests she is closing her eyes forever and taking his love with her. They say "you can't take it with you when you go," but perhaps that's not always true...

Your mechanics leave nothing to be reproached--grammar, punctuation, organization. Your formatting was quite comfortable, as well, selecting a slightly larger font with wider line-spacing. Good choice.

I really have no constructive criticism to offer; this is a complete, tight piece. I leave wondering if she will come back into the world for her "Luv," or meet him out beyond the void... I leave wondering. Which means I will be back for more of your writing to satisfy the itch wonder leaves behind.

Well done. Write On!

--Jeffrey
17
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Review of Ode to BMV  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is hilarious...and absolutely impossible to believe! I went to an office in a city I won't name where I was CERTAIN the CSRs took a course in rudeness. They acted like I was interrupting their day!

The lines of "O how I love you" made me sing it to the tune of The Moody Blues' Nights in White Satin. *Laugh*

One hopes, now 11 years later, this wonderful office is now open somewhere. Hopefully in this dimension. Nice piece.

Glad I found this for a quick spirit-lift this afternoon.

--Jeffrey
18
18
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
Milky,

The hero arrives! ...or is it the villain? I reckon we'll have to read on to see.

But...if we're going to read along, there's some habits you're going to need to work on to make your writing better. Not your content, but the writing itself.

First things first--sentences are a must! A sentence is one full thought, or two related thoughts connected by certain punctuation or conjunctions. A sentence has a subject and action, and usually something the action effects. Sentences are separated by a period, or full stop. The reader gets to take a breath after a sentence. That sounds condescending as I read it back, but this piece has almost no sentence structure. The reason I'm being so emphatic about this problem is not so I can feel important; it's because it's very difficult to read without the proper punctuation for sentences.

And so we head into the next category: punctuation. But I'm only going to talk about commas, not beat you over the head with the full catalog of punctuation marks. Commas are little pauses in a sentence. Think of how you speak. "Dad [little pause] can I drive the car to Tommy's [little pause] the flower shop [little pause] and the liquor store?" Now make all those [little pause]s commas. Commas do NOT end sentences and rarely connect them. And they plague EVERYBODY!

Paragraphs. They separate collections of thoughts; they ALSO separate dialog. It's so much easier to keep track of who's talking when it's broken out on a different line. In addition to these two grammatical rules, if you don't break your text into paragraphs, the reader is apt to be intimidated by a big dense black block of words.

The last thing I'll mention is tense agreement. You switch between past and present tense throughout this piece. "Kicking his foot out the rider got off his saddle and steps taking lead in through the castle." In short: pick one. Either it happened in the past, or it's happening now. "The rider got off his horse and stepped..." or "The rider gets off his horse and steps." Tense agreement and consistency greatly prevents confusion in the chronology of a story.

This review was BRUTAL, I know! But it is truly meant to be constructive. If you can clean up your writing habits, it will greatly reduce your later efforts in editing. Also, it will ensure more people read your work. PLEASE email me if you would like to offer any comments in reply. (In other words, go ahead and send me some hate mail if this really torqued you off.)

Please keep writing; rework this and submit it back out here. Don't let detailed criticism stop you!

I really hope we get to see an updated version of this, MilkyInfinity. I really hope you Write On!

Respectfully (believe it or not),
--Jeffrey
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Review of THE SILVER SPOONS  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Jaques,

This is quite deep for most children, I'll say that. For that matter, the extraordinary extended metaphor was quite deep for me!

The first time I read this, I saw the scenes in my mind; as I read it through again, my mind moved from visual to philosophical. I wondered if the moral here was selflessness, helplessness, acceptance, or wisdom.

~~Selflessness: I will feed whoever is hungry, because their need is greater than my own.
~~Helplessness: I fill feed whomever I am forced to feed, because I am not able to do otherwise.
~~Acceptance: The life of those I feed is not in my power; I was created only to feed, and I do it well and happily.
~~Wisdom: Those whom I feed should be selected by someone with a higher perspective and wider purpose than me, so that a greater good than I can conceive will be fulfilled.


"Crowns were only made for true Kings" gave me pause, also. Crowns are gold; and our silver protagonist had just mentioned that in the hands of a bad man, he (the spoon) would be "worth nothing, even if he was made of gold." Are we to extrapolate that crowns of gold turn Kings into bad men? Perhaps that wise men, when made king, are stripped of their wisdom (or blinded to it) and reduced to nothing by means of the Crown? That might just be my interpretation, and I admit it's kind of a stretch based on your text. But that's how this story made me think.

On a mechanical note, I think a paragraph break is need before "One day, many generations..." to set apart the two sides of this theme for the reader. This being purely aesthetic, it might even help to set the final sentence off as its own paragraph, too.

This is a tight, compact piece that packs a lot of philosophy, and I enjoyed it very much because it made me think. And that is what we read stories for, right?

Thanks for a good start to my morning.

--Jeffrey
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Review of Leaves  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (1.5)
"What does life mean to you?" An excellent question, one the reader is bound to ponder.

As a sketch or a quick collection of thoughts, this is good. But it's not in a form that's ready to be shared around yet. I'm not going to pick it apart in minutia; summary level will do just fine, I think. Here's the good and the bad I found:

..Good theme.
..Very poor (sometimes missing) punctuation.
..Disorganized presentation of thoughts (paragraphs).
..Interesting characters.
..Identifiable and immersible setting.
..Incomplete arc or storyline.

That's not very gentle, I know. I sincerely offer these observations constructively and respectfully. And remember, this is just one guy's opinion.

I hope we see this after it's been through some edits. I really like the idea. And that question: "What does life mean to you?"

--Jeffrey
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Review of Sleep  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Freni,

"I hear the secrets that you keep
When you're... talking in your sleep."


So sang The Romantics. I wonder if we all have some fear of our words being heard from dreamland.

Your poem provokes thought, and I appreciate that. That last line leaves us with many questions. Have you been together only a short time, and you want to observe him with his defenses down? Have you been together for quite a while, but he won't let his defenses down? The reader has questions about the writer's motives...but we can also put ourselves there. What do we see when our lovers are asleep? What do we want to see? What are we afraid we see? Thought-provoking indeed.

I'd like to make a couple comments about the mechanics of this poem. Remember, this is just one person's opinion. I am a little torn on the presentation. On the one hand, I want to see it more concise, more poetic--fewer articles and conjunctions, etc. On the other hand, there is a naturalness to the way you have it that captures the scene organically and lets me in to immerse myself, put myself into the feelings of the scene. That ambivalence is mine, as the reader, of course, but it was a little distracting the first time I read it. I reckon that's really not much help at all, but it's one of my thoughts. Also, though, I can say with a feeling of certainty that the word "usually" used in the first two lines feels awkward and should probably be adjusted. (Interestingly, that is not the case with "turn" in lines 5 and 6, since there's a bit of a wordplay there.)

A short poem; an honest sketch. But it has a lot packed into it. Very nicely done.

--Jeffrey
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
JCos,

I don't know if you intended this as religious satire, but that's what I took from it--and it's fantastic as such. By simply switching the word "zombie" with pretty much any religion, you have much the same story. Thus, the equation of the satire is that the religious are zombies. Now, just stating that baldly would sound offensive. Couching it in satire makes it... digestible. 😈

I can't pin down the purpose of using "Sam Adams," but that makes it all the more fun for me. It's like a snarky little riddle.

So I really liked the content; but I'm a bit lukewarm on delivery. The presentation as a poem didn't work well for me. Even so, some punctuation would be quite helpful.

Really fun piece, sir!

--Jeffrey
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Review of I am a Top Hat  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Sonali,

I was particularly taken with these lines in the 4th stanza:

"But the hands that move me
wear many hats instead."

There is something generous in that phrase, inclusive. It is a great transition into the next lines, but it could stand alone, too, and still convey the meaning very well. What a wonderful turn of phrase.

Repetition of "I am a top hat" and "Roll the dice" does well to imitate the cyclic nature of the game; very subtle! I will note constructively, however, that the rhythm is rather inconsistent throughout, which kind of tripped up my inner metronome from time to time. 🫤

This was a cute poem with a great perspective. What else can I say except "hat's off to ya!"

--Jeffrey
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24
Review of Game Over Cards  Open in new Window.
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well this was something, and "too long" it was not!

I found the card game fascinating. I got lost as hell, but it was fascinating. In fact, that would be the weakness of the story, if there is one, in my opinion. I was so intrigued by the card game and it mechanics, I kept losing the point of the story.

The play of the cards works very well to keep the suspense--just like a real card game. Even though there was not a whole lot of setting exposed, I was still able to immerse myself in the scene, which was great. In the end, it followed a fairly common underdog storyline, but that is often one of the most satisfying; and I liked Trader's attitude at the end, and the barb on the end of his comment.

There weren't many mechanical errors to challenge me. The most notable was at the end--the line where Trader calls a spade a spade, 5 lines from the bottom, is broken with a line separation. It took a minute to figure out who was speaking.

Overall, this was really a fantastic story, incredibly original, one I would love to see made into a short screenplay. Make's Captain Kirk's "Fizbin" seem like a game of gin rummy.

Thanks for giving us a new game to play!

--Jeffrey
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In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Maddie,

It happens every year in every town in every school on every team, I think. And no one ever seems to learn...


Okay, one of my biggest observations of writing is mechanics--punctuation, spelling, grammar (where applicable). Your mechanics, as far I can see, are spot-on. Not only is that well done as to the craftsmanship of writing, but it is also appreciated by the reader. Bad writing can make a good story feel like purgatory when one reads it. Your writing keeps the narrative smooth and comfortable.

Now, let me talk about the content. I want to say the story is overused...but it's NOT, because it's so true and so frequent. And we might have seen it on the screen ("like a damn movie," Logan might interject here) or even gone through it ourselves, but it's different each time because the hearts and the people are different each time. And no heart ever breaks the same as another. I will observe, however, that the presentation is very familiar; I don't see enough unique details to make it stand far enough apart from the other iterations of this same tale of young love vs mature love. I wanted to know Maddie more, to really understand how this heartbreak was different, but I was only able to see a cut-out of the mean of all head cheerleaders.

The jump from age eighteen or nineteen to forty or fifty tripped me up a little, as well. I really wanted to see more deeply into this newer, truer relationship. I saw a lot of that ***hole, Watt, but not enough of Logan, and that's another set of character and story details that would have helped to set this apart and stand it on its own.

Look, those are just my thoughts, and I'm nobody's publisher or editor. But in case it seemed like I was being a downer, I want to end on this high note: Maddie's son and daughter are right where Watt and Maddie were, respectively. Is Maddie going to be able to guide them any better than her mother was able to guide her or Watt's mother was able to teach him? The reader is left wondering if the cycle will repeat...and this reader is sadly certain it will, to some extent. But the cyclic ending is a good thing, as it leaves the reader looking forward--we are given closure to the main story, but we are still invited to look forward and ask ourselves what might happen? That's a nice ending, allowing, for a change, to ask optimistically "What if they do...?" instead of asking longingly "What if I had...?"

Thank you for allowing me to read your story and offer a few comments. They are intended to be respectful and encouraging; I apologize if anything has seemed hurtful or counterproductive to your writing in any way.

Jeffrey
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