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126
126
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Religious poetry is often too flowery and/or obsequious for me. But this is really, really good. Some uncommon vocabulary for poetry--such as "Jesse's Rod"--keeps it unique from other poems of its kind, and its brevity is its strength. Straightforward, shameless, and plainly stated, this is perfect for prayer as well as poem.

I always try to add some constructive thing to a review; here the ONLY thing I could think to do differently would be the punctuation in the last line. "Lord, tarry not; rise: save Thy barren land."

I'm glad I read this today. Thank you.
127
127
Review of Hell to Pay  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I like the direction this took. There's always a hook in those contracts, isn't there!

On of my favorite bits was your description of Frank as he lay in bed: "An old man with an old man's pot belly and bald head." The ugly and piteous and real image that brings to mind is superb.

However, there were also some issues I had with the writing. Mechanically, you've done pretty darned well. As well as I ever do, that's for sure! The story seems to take some pretty abrupt turns, though. Cynthia is frustrated in the beginning, bordering on argumentative. When the Dark Lord tells her to go find some mischief, she bucks back, a bit; but the becomes totally acquiescent in the next breath. At the same time, Satan tells her to go find/create some problems for people, then gives her an assignment.

All that is one instance; while there are a few instances throughout the story where there could be a little more meat on the bone (in my opinion), the other spot where the story seemed to speed toward the ending were the two paragraphs toward the end, starting with "Frank found a seat at the back of the bus." While the story remains cohesive and intact throughout these paragraphs, as a reader I just wanted more to chew on: more setting, more description, more explanation of how Frank was feeling--what was right, for instance, to contrast against what felt wrong.

Now, I didn't even come with an idea this cool; so please take this opinion/review constructively. I feel like you've got a great idea here, and a solid foundation, that could be improved upon. And if you choose to do that, I'd love to stop back by and see what changes you might have made!
128
128
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I was sweating just reading it. And it is currently 1 degree outside. This lacked the flowery flourishes of "poetic" poetry, leaving the sensations, the stark reality of a body trying not to boil itself in the summer heat. I likes that.

Only issue I saw was teh repetition of the word "of" at the end of line 26 and then at the beginning of line 27.

I can see why this was a hit back in late May; it's still powerful here in the middle of winter, too. Good job!
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129
Review of Sky Flowers  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
What a wonderful description of--for me--a sunrise! I've played with some of these meter challenges. They can be great fun...or a mammoth headache. Since this one turned out so beautiful, I hope it was great fun for you.
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130
Review of A Petulant Life  
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (2.5)
I enjoyed the immediacy of this woman's last moments. However, the last couple of sentences seemed to quick in and of themselves. Tell us a little more (I suggest) about her turn toward prayer, and why it is so meaningful in contrast with the rest of her life. Don't be afraid to really explore those feelings and even cry a little when you're writing, you feel them so deeply. (I recently wrote a story about an old cowboy who was leaving a note for his great-grand-daughter, and at the end I was surprised to find myself getting downright choked-up...but I think the story was better for it.)

If you choose to edit this one and expand on it a little, I'd love to stop back by and give it a look.

Great concept!
131
131
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow. This was so well-done it is almost intimidating. The parallel you've drawn is spot-on, and the conclusion brilliant.

I have a comment, though--from here in the peanut gallery, as it were:

  • "The pas de deux of death's embrace." As amazing as that is, what if it was "the pas de deux of love's embrace, signaling that love is the first step toward death? Well...I imagine you probably already thought of that and tried it out and preferred what you have. Either way, what a brilliant line!



    • Technically, I am enthralled by your enjambment, which always keeps the sonnet from sounding like a Hallmark greeting card.

    Such a precise sonnet. Beautiful; thanks for posting this!
    132
    132
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 13+ | N/A (Review only item.)
    "Somewhere between ouch and boing!" What a perfect quote!

    You really drew me in as you recounted your harrowing journey to an amazing night. Strange how traffic can be backed for hours and then suddenly flow as if it was just the ill will of angry gods causing the clog.

    Your notes at the end about writing leading to wonderful experiences, which lead back to more writing were encouraging and invigorating. As much as I enjoyed reading about your evening, I am also grateful to have been reminded of this simple fact.

    Thanks for posting this bit, Carol.
    133
    133
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: ASR | (5.0)
    ***What follows is discussion, rather than review***

    This is point is eloquently made. I agree (which probably helps me see the eloquence). It also evolves, for me, to two higher discussion points: the danger of absolute equality; and bear hunting.

    First, let me draw a picture for the fist point. If we run as fast as our brother(s), surely the aforementioned bear will see the strength of numbers and decide not to attack. But who scared away the bear? Surely there was one person who tipped the scale! In fact, the group en masse scared away the bear, but the nature of human kind is to climb, to improve, to compete. The human individual, by nature, seeks for his share of the reward--be it food, treasure, or glory--and will not be content to always take an even share as everyone else. At an atavistic level, this ensures that the most durable, aggressive, and strongest bloodlines are promulgated. At a social level, it means that if we scare off the bear of establishment as a group, we will then birth our own monster of ego to release among us. An unspoken perspective to the joke, making it much less funny, is the possibility that the "faster" brother is the one who brought the bear around in the first place, specifically to eat the slower brother, thereby increasing Speedy's share of the reward. Absolute equality works beautifully in manifestos and poems; but the animal within the man will not allow it.

    Now let us think about the bears in all this. How many bears chased us? One? Two? For the sake of the example, let's say we have outsmarted the one bear that was chasing us, my brother and I. We don't want to be chased again, so WE will now go hunt the BEAR, for it is a ravenous, frothing thing, and must obviously be destroyed for the sake of all. And we find it and we kill it, and we carry it home as a trophy, hanging from our righteous stick (which, we might notice with some foreboding, appears to be sharpened at both ends). We are heroes! But now what? We are heroes today, but just two of the guys tomorrow. How to we stay on top of the food chain, on top of the pyramid? Well...get another bear! So we hunt, and we find one slavering after a woman and her girlfriend in the forest of equal rights, and we slay that beast, too! And then we find the Brutality Bear mauling the poor and weak, and we bring a third trophy to hang on the wall behind tonight's anchorman.

    Then we come to a cave where we hear a funny little sound, like a quiet rumble. We poke our head inside and find a small little bear sleeping. It is the beast of Justice, of Law, of Order, of Right. He is sleeping peacefully until his time of hibernation (long overdue, I dare interject) has ended. This little cub is of danger to no one. But he is a bear! And so we lie in wait, my brother(s) and I, outside the cave. And we make noises like victims, and we wake the bear, with his deep blue fur and gold eyes like blazing shields. And when he charges from his den to chase the slowest of the unjust--WE KILL THE BEAR!! We roll in his blood and wear his skin home as a cloak! And we broadcast to the rest of the family that ALL bears must die, ALL bears must be destroyed! And the family rallies round (yes, even with a pocket full shells, as it were)! We are no longer on top of the pyramid, but just one of the crowd, and we go where the crowd goes and hunt where the crowd hunts. And we watch in horror as the crowd becomes the bear, as WE become the bear, and we realize we frothing at the mouth for a kill of any kind.

    We can always come together for protection; but we need to be wary of our own human condition: we are animals, and we compete for survival. To try to repress that instinct leads down dangerous paths. We can sublimate the urge, and harness it--that ability of the mind is what sets us apart; but we must not think that everyone on an equal playing field all the time is utopia. It's actually the last stop before Extinction. And while we are protecting ourselves and each other, we absolutely must remain aware, at the individual level, that we are animals, and if we give in wholesale to those baser instincts and trade justice for vengeance, then we give away that thing that sets us apart, we become the animal, and we make ourselves fair game to be hunted down.

    Safety is not outrunning the bear; safety is not becoming the bear. Safety is balance, a constantly shifting target we must define as individuals and as a group. Safety is in communication between the individual and the group. Safety is not outrunning the bear or grinning down the bear.

    Safety is in talking all us bears off the ledge.
    134
    134
    Rated: E | (4.0)
    Nicely done, Tim. One note: the meter in lines one and two of the final stanza become rather hurried. Otherwise, I thought this was a charming adaptation. (Not much of a critical review, sorry.)
    135
    135
    Review of How Ironic  
    Rated: E | (5.0)
    I would give a stranger a kidney, probably. I would DEFINITELY give my brother a kidney. That real-world anecdote sounds so unbelievable to me that my mind insists it is badly-written fiction. But I know it's not.

    My wife worked for a pain-management doctor. A little old lady in her eighties had a mechanical refillable device implanted in her abdomen to automatically send minute doses of morphine into her system to control cancer pain. After several months of the pump going empty far ahead of schedule, it was eventually found out that the woman's GRANDCHILDREN would hold her down after the doctor refilled her pump, and forcibly extract the morphine from her pump!

    I look forward to following your link, but wanted to drop you a note to reassure you that you are not the only one aghast at the incredible inhumanity "blood" will inflict on one another.
    136
    136
    Review of The flowers  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
    This story is indeed one of disappointment. No matter how elated we are about a thing, it can be snatched from us, either by the will of others, or by our own pride. You have demonstrated both roads here.

    I have a few mechanical criticisms to get out of the way first.

    --1) Spelling. I mention it first, but it's lowest on my list. Spelling errors seem like they creep in AFTER proofreading. Still, you have a few that could be tidied up.

    --2) Tense agreement. You occasionally slip from past tense into present tense; from " she did" to "she does." Not frequently, but once or twice.

    --3) White space. This is more of a personal preference than an actual structural standard. Consider line breaks between your paragraphs. The white space between paragraphs gives a brief res to the readers eye, and keeps your work from being a daunting block of stark print. The contemporary novel achieves this by using 1.15 to 1.5 line spacing. When that is not available, you may want to consider the double-line-break between paragraphs.

    --4) Language mode. This one is the most important note I can offer, I think. Your mode is obsolete here, especially for the temporal context. The language used throughout this piece would work well for an 18th century romance novel, or a medieval fantasy work. But it doesn't have the right pacing, the right cadence for the twentieth century. Because I mean for this to be constructive, I'll offer a random example. "There was a momentary silence that was succeeded by a swift and sharp sounding slap that made its land upon the bare and slender neck of Marcus, then silence again." From my editorial perspective, this one sentence could be "updated" thus: "There was momentary silence; then a sharp slap landed across the bare nape Marcus' neck." Same sentence, same meaning, just without the romantic flourishes and brushstrokes.

    Now, onto some more subjective and (hopefully) complimentary observations.

    --Plot: I thought your plot was spot-on, with an unexpected but very realistic twist at the end. I see the need for the boys' dilemma, exposing Marcus to enough weather for him to feel poorly on the bus; and the old lady delayed him enough that he was only able to find space in a dangerous part of the bus. Good tools used well.

    --Characters: Of all the characters, Marcus might have seemed just a little too pure to be believed. But if that's the only issue I can find, then you have done well. Even Susan, who is never seen directly, is an entire character in this story--and constructing a character fully who is never actually "on-stage" is no mean feat.

    --Setting: The setting was a little confusing for me because of the aforementioned language mode. The specific words described a city similar to modern-day London, or maybe Boston, but the language painted it in sepia tones more fit for the same towns two- or three-hundred years ago.

    --Conclusion: Particularly one of my favorite endings of late. I always grimace at the screen when a movie is tied up in a neat bow at the end, when the hero saves the day at the last minute. To quote one of our contemporary urban artists: "S*** ain't like that! It's real f***ed up!" You have demonstrated the callousness of reality well with unfortunate ending of a good man's good intentions being dragged into the sewer by a fat, unfeeling rat.

    I hope this has been useful for you and has not rambled on to long. I really liked the piece, and wanted to give as much back as I could.

    I look forward to reading more of your work!
    137
    137
    Review of Growing Up  
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (4.0)
    Loved it! Why on earth we think sexuality is worth arguing about is beyond me. I'm straight--so what? So if so-and-so's gay--so what? As long as a person is happy.

    You handled this question with tact in your writing, and I appreciate that. I'm not a fan of graphic detail; I have my own imagination and like to use it. Although I admit, it is hard to imaging the courage it must have taken to invite her parents up at the end.

    On a technical note, the only thing i would offer might be to add a blank line between paragraphs. It's a little thing, but it makes the block of print much less intimidating to the eye of the reader, especially with such a small font. Big blocks of small print are frightening.

    Excellent story; I'm glad I happened on this.
    138
    138
    Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
    How wonderfully original and charming. And true.

    We've been trying to kill Christmas in one way or another for quite a while now. Seems Santa is always one step ahead of us.

    Your cross of mythologies and blend of reality was a refreshing take on Christmas. "Re-imaginings" are all the rage now, but I find they often fall a bit short of the original imagining. This is not the case here, though, and the result is a wonderfully updated version that still manages to hold out on it's classical branch of the tree.

    Well thought-out, deftly presented, and very original. I'm glad I got to have a look at this one.
    139
    139
    In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
    Rated: E | (4.0)
    It is more common, I think, for the poetry regarding soldiery to dwell on the permanent loss of a loved one. The optimism in this piece is uplifting, and somehow timeless.

    With strong meter and an engaging rhyme scheme, this dedication to our siblings, children, and parents in conflict afar is a strong contribution.

    I can't find much in the way of criticism, so I'll have to leave my review as just praise. Well done.
    140
    140
    Rated: ASR | (3.5)
    Reviewing poetry is hard. It's so subjective as to be near-impossible to critique by any one standard.

    I found it to be very effective, myself, and particularly liked the repetition of hte last word in the second line of each stanza, like the mental mantra we all carry around: innocent, innocent, innocent...unworthy, unworthy, unworthy...

    I know it's not much help to you with regard to your growth as an author, but poetry does beg to be observed and discussed, even if it eschews the process of standard comparison and evaluation.
    141
    141
    Review of Undead Comedy  
    Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
    Your parallel between the vacuous screen-watcher and the brainless zombie is humorously but accurately portrayed. "Smellier sardines," indeed. The last line suggests that the zombies on the screen are the ones entertained by the humans in the auditorium--a nice spin on the perspective.

    Mechanically, I applaud your omission of unnecessary articles, which helps the immediacy of the writing.

    I enjoyed this with undying pleasure.
    142
    142
    Rated: E | (4.5)
    A story doesn't have to be pages and pages long, as you have demonstrated here. The simultaneous coincidence of understanding and misunderstanding form the watching child is endearing and humorous.

    I enjoyed this short bit, and I applaud you for offering a tiny story that needs neither prequel nor sequel.

    Merry Christmas.
    143
    143
    Rated: E | (3.5)
    This would be very interesting as the opening to a story. While it is not particularly similar in any way, I was reminded of the opening lines of Moby Dick. I am intrigued, and I would read on to see where this story goes. Nicely done.
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