While I am still very interested in where the overall story goes, I found this chapter much less engaging than the first. Because I like the story, I'm going to list my "problems" with this chapter.
Before I go into detail, though, let me reiterate that I only offer this level detail out of respect for the writer and enjoyment of the story. This is supposed to be constructive and encouraging. Any offense is unintentional. Please...do not make any voodoo dolls in my likeness.
First things first--the first few words. I physically grimaced at "At about the same time…" Why…? Because it was too easy. Instead of leading me to the conclusion that what I just read (or was about to read) happened contemporaneously with the previous chapter, you just dropped it on me. I struggle a little to find the exact words, but the closest I can come is this: it lacks eloquence, and feels very rough-draft-ish. What would I propose? Tell me about Jessica's day--but don't give me her last name. You defined her character very well; in fact, I would draw the conclusion that father and daughter share an hereditary ADHD disorder, or perhaps even a depressive disorder. Having drawn her character such, I would have had a faint hint that these two characters shared a connection. I would propose further that Jessica enters the lobby of her building and passes a mailbox, perhaps, with "Hill-Floor 6" on it--defining the familial connection, but indirectly--SHOWING us, not telling us. Perhaps, later on, she hears her father mutter something deprecating about Amanda as he closes the front door behind him. Then we would know that the events we just read in these two chapters happened on the same day. Furthermore, this demonstrates a behavioral trend in Stephen Hill to discount the abilities and feelings of young women--after which we are able to even more intuitively understand his troubled relationship with his daughter. "Well, damn, Jeff. Wanna just rewrite my story for me?" Not really; I know that was a mouthful (keyboardful?), but I wanted you to understand that get the basis of what you are saying, but I think your writing ability is strong enough to paint with finer brushstrokes.
Vocabulary. I would guess (and it is a game of mine to do just this) that you are from the UK. Words like "queued" and "flat" are my clues. However, American kids have a different cadence, an entirely different patois, if you will. The dialog between the two girls sounded distinctly British, and nothing like one would hear in Queens, NY. I have no specific suggestions here except to go back and see if you can make the dialog more authentic to the setting.
Descriptions. I'll use your description of the Sailor Moon ("the toon with the boom that makes me think the wrong thing") show. Similar to my first point, this is just too damn tell-y (no pun intended). It's wordy and tedious. I am going to be so bold as to offer an alternate version of this paragraph--no disrespect intended, I just want to illustrate my point.
In her room, Jessica flung her backpack into the corner, closed the door, and threw herself on the bed. Grabbing the remote control from the bedside table, she switched on Cartoon Network just in time for the opening credits of Sailor Moon. Jessica immediately immersed herself in the world of a girl named Usagi Tsukino, aka Bunny--a clumsy little middle-school student in Minato, Tokyo. (American viewers knew Usagi as Serena; why the name was changed for the Western World, Jessica could never figure out.) One day Serena met a talking black cat, Luna, who gave Serena a magical token--a brooch by which Usagi/Serena becomes the titular character, Sailor Moon, a pretty guardian destined to save Earth from the forces of evil. Jessica identified with the main character because Usagi was such an imperfect character in her real life, yet imbued with hidden talents and powers that would only show in an alternate world. Jessica secretly believed to be very much like Usagi: underestimated by everyone in her own world, but soon to be a star in some parallel universe. The only problem was that Jessica hadn’t managed to find her ‘alternate universe’ yet. Instead, she was stuck in an apartment in Queens, New York, with a father who never saw her for what she really was: a bright, talented, beautiful teenage girl.
The differences are subtle, but my version contains fewer qualifying statements. There is more subjective perspective (from the character's mentality) than objective perspective (from the author's and reader's minds). To me, this give the character depth, feeling, emotion, and reality. One might even consider drawing a visual parallel between Jessica (who just might be on the verge of tears in her loneliness) and the shininess of the eyes of the Manga characters she draws so adeptly.
And bear in mind that this was just an example, not the only instance to which this item applies. Throughout this chapter, I think you have many opportunities to put us into Jessica's shoes, rather than describing what it is like to be in them.
Your capitalization lapses, primarily when referring to the characters of the television show. As a reader, a Sailor Scout makes much more sense to me, in this context, than a sailor scout.
This one could be negligible, but I would use a different font plus indentation during the text conversation. It helps change the context for the reader.
Now. There was a lot in this chapter that I did like, very much. Here's a few of them:
Your exposition on the mentality of mediocrity and how it is perceived (and ignored) by the education system was spot-on. Social commentary within fiction is essential--an umbilicus between the writer, the reader, and the world-at-large.
The awkward conclusion of the cafeteria encounter was nicely recounted. Those of us who are introverts understand completely.
Accuracy of setting. It's another thing I like to do with stories--I checked your geography of Queens and found that the streets and the train line were correct. It makes me comfortable when fictitious things take place in factual places. (James Michener wrote Space; and while it was a good book, it drove me crazy that he created a whole fictitious state in America while the rest of the story is steeped in historical fact.)
“I’m hooome”, Jessica parroted him silently, protected by the closed door and the darkness in her room. I saw it. SAW it. I even mimed along with it. 100% accurate and natural.
The near-remorse and reclusive loneliness portrayed in the last two paragraphs is very accurate for an adolescent. And it engenders an empathy in the reader for Dad (who we now know is Stephen Hill), giving us hope that feels the same helpless emotional entropy.
Whew! That's not a review; it's an Inquisition!! Again, no offense is intended. All commentary is out of respect and encouragement. And an attempt to make you and the rest of the planet more like me. Which as is it should be. World without end. Amen. ![Wink *Wink*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/wink.png)
Seriously, I am enthusiastic about this story, and I hope it shows. I will visit subsequent chapters very soon.
Thank you for such a good read today. I needed it.
--Jeff Meyer
|
|