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Review of The Fairy Kingdom  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloonp*Ahoy! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and so it is time to celebrate. *Balloonp* HAPPY upcoming WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Fairy* Guess whose fantasy item popped up on the Random Reads as I was flitting here and there to party? Yay! Yours and it has fairies who are favourites of mine so..I had to read about your Fairy Kingdom! *Fairy2* *Delight* And no words beginning with A. What fun and no "and's" . *Cool*

*Cakeb* The tale begins with vivid action and sets up the conflict and two main characters in the first paragraph. You also clued us in to the fact of the girl's loneliness, which also turns out to be a problem. I wanted to know what the warning sound for fairies was. *Wink* In case, I needed as I play Tinkerbell in the WDC party Masquerade Event. *Laugh*

*Cake2* I was charmed by the fairies and Miranda as they performed their mission.
I could really imagine the lonely Miranda and her soft heart. It is so like a child to know the right thing to do.

The story flowed coherently with lots of detail and the dialogues were purposeful. I liked the fairy names and the idea of a fairy-ologist! Cool! You really had interesting captors and I burst out laughing at one being "jammed"! *Laugh*

The phrase "shortly, anyway" was puzzling to me. Did you mean in a little while or for a short time? And instead of the adverb "regretfully", how would you describe what she looked like at that moment. Make it more visual. "ly" adverbs are not so much in flavour now as good descriptives so you may want to tweak your work for these. Also what would "desperate hope" look like? *Wink* The idea of show, not tell applies.

*Delight*It is appealing how you neatly solve Miranda's loneliness as well. It was a sweet fairy gift and it was wise that Flower understood friendship. I like happy endings.

The tale delighted me as I could enter into the vision with ease and see the Queen Sparkle and believe the human superiority at wanting to own fairies.! *Sad*
Thanks for sharing your creativity and craft! I had fun! *Starstruck*
And no A words. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

eyestar
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Review of The Land Of Ons  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Sum1! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate so here is a review for you!*Delight*


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*Cake* I was sailing by on the pirate ship with me parrot eye on the ports and spied this new land so I flew from the mast for a look! Shiver me timbers, it looks so fine! And all decked out with a pretty pink flaf no less! So here I be! *Anchor*

*Cake* I was drawn right into the conversation between Susan and the wee pixie creature. ( now was she or wasn't she or exactly what did these folk look like?)*Wink* The question answer dialogue was well scribed and each piece finely led to a next revelation of the tale. I wonder where she went in her dream--or perhaps she never really returned-or woke up as in Neverland. *Wink* this parrot has been hanging around tinkerbell too long!
Anyway, the wheres and what nots of the land are quite inventive and even comical and when I came to the end I burst out laughing and couldn't stop!*Rolling*
Your play on words right from the title is stellar!! *Salute* I thought of the Land of OZ-nice play!

*Balloonp* The underlying message that I honed in on too is the spoof on philosophy and learning--- if one is too stuck in one's ivory tower of learning, may not be so practical in the real world where ye have to be on the look out for crafy pirates! *Wink* It is quite a serious piece of work and the voice and tone are so logical, we ne'er suspect a thing.

*Starstruck* I am so glad this has a ribbon because it is worthy of it. Lighthearted and made me laugh and quite clever in it conception! You have a knack sir! *Hook**Anchor* Thanks so much for following your muse.

*Boat* Now I must away and leave this fair land of Ons, and not give away any secret of the tresaure to be found here. I will, fer sure, be passing this around to me mates as I travel! *Bird*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Joy! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate so Here I am with a review for you!*Balloonp*


*Partyhatr* I spotted this tag line on this item and had to check it out! I love trees and your personification of this tree is excellent. I think you could come up with a spiffier title.*Treepine* Spruce it up and enter it into the "WDC's Fancy Dress ContestOpen in new Window.! *Balloonp**Wink*

*Cake* This is a charming way to share the disaster facing the rain forest and how people treat each other. I was lured into the potent voice and story of the tree as he tells the tale full of details. That he finds hope in a child is inspirational. That the boy finds books helpful is another neat illustration. I see the story if for teens, so good show on encouraging that. *Thumbsup*

*Balloong* The descriptions were vivid and I could feel his vibe as his family was killed and he struggles with the life he has now--the indecision of whether he was lucky or not. I liked when he did the samba to feed the boy. Clever image!

*Cupcakey* A few suggestions though I am not a pro:
I think in the first pargraph, the line "Especially" could be naturally connected to the previous line with a comma. It seems to hang there. *Wink*

I wondered about the "The worst massacre". I am not a pro in these phrasings. Would it not also be connected to the prvious line--or is it mimiking the way we talk?

In the line "To see it---climb probably" I would drop the adverb and keep it derect and certain. He would know its own height.

Check for the need for commas as in "Recently,.."

*Cake*I really entered into your vision here and admired the tree's sensitivity and that it is not more angered. It really reflected Mother earth who allows us to do the worst and keeps on giving us life. *Heart* Thanks for sharing this moving and educational story. *Starstruck*

As I say I am not a pro on story techs and you likely have brushed up skills now so...

Really, tweak it and check out the contest. Older works are welcome on the theme. Inanimate world I think.*Wink* ya have til the 14th so join the party fun! *Balloonp* Hey if I can be a fairy, you can be a tree! *Fairy* Dare ya!

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of A Possum's Story  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Balloonp*Ahoy! It's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate so here is a review for you! *Balloongo*


*Balloonp*Look what popped up on Random Reads! *Heart* I enjoy animal tales and the idea of a pet possum is certainly unique. wow!

*Cake2*I enjoyed reading the entertaining exploits of you, your cats and the possum. How wonderful that this wild thing found you and shared its power with you. I wonder what the totem qualities are. They say when an animal sticks around you, there is a message. Cool! It is amazing that all of your cats were ok with it too. Magical!

*Partyhato*You narrate the tale with great detail so I could really visualize the events and things like the cat menagerie and castle. It is amazing to beable to show the scenes and explain the chaos so effectively. *Smile*

*Cake3* I like how you spread the events of life with the possum over several years using evocative subtitles! The events you chose were so vivid. I had to laugh at the night in the kitchen!! Unbelievable. *Shock* And the day he curled up at your feet as if to say good bye is so heartwarming!*Heart* I can't imagine the babies too!

*Partyhatg* The writing is coherent and the voice is consistent to the end. The emotional intensity changes with each event and I could enter into the scenes with ease. I do notice you use "ly" adverbs, which seem to be not favoured now though I know what they mean. LOL You did use maybe too many at once in paragraph 12. *Wink*

*Cake2* This story is a wondeful memoire and tribute to your connection with the animal world. I enjoy how you involve the audience by ending in a question! It makes me wonder as maybe the author did, could I be so lucky again? And maybe this is a relative of Possy! I am so glad you didn't make Possum Pie! *Laugh*

*Cupcakey*Thanks for sharing your story in a entertaining manner. I had fun entering the vision. *Heart* *Starstruck*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Tom's Birthday  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloonp*Ahoy! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate *Balloonp* Welcome to WDC on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window. and "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window.!*Delight*


*Balloonp*This wonderful sci fi short story popped up in the random reads! Thanks for entering into birthday contests! *Salute* I am not a pro at story writing so my comments are from a reader's perspective. *Wink*

*Cake*Wow! I so enjoyed reading your story and couldn't stop reading to the end. You did a great job unveiling clues to the society, rules, and structure as the story went along. The conversations were vivid and purposeful in revealing character and emotion. I could really imagine these people and the dilemma. It kept me reading to find out why Tom had to leave and it wasn't for the reason I first thought! Wow!

Good twists in the plot. And the deception was brilliant! What an ending!*Shock* It evoked a lot of feelings from the sadness at the start, to the panic and desire for him to get to his destination and then...the end. Impressive story telling.*Starstruck*

*Giftr*The plot line was clear and the tension rose increasingly til the end. The setting at a future time was well shown in the buildings, gadgets and thoughts of the main character as he observes the world on the speed of light train. I really enjoyed the futuristic atmosphere where certain taboos are passee yet other ones rose to replace them as in the aging one. *Sad*
The creation of the Separatists was genius. You really led me along well!

*Balloongo*Your descriptions of character, setting and especially the riveting scene at the end were vivid and added interest and potency to the story. eg. "the warm trickle" Very realistic vision at the end.*Thumbsup* I felt your world was well conceived and believable. I liked the crystal gadgetry--talk about controlling.

*Cakeb*The narration was easy to follow and clearly voice seems to be third person. One place I wondered about whether Tom was telling it as it felt like this thought came out of his head. is it safe? Might just be me though, I am not a pro.

*Cake2* Your vocabulary was thematic and helped create this world and it is unique how you used the word "birthday". It threw me off at first until I figured it is how this world would define it. Your concept of Sanctuary was a good twist too.

*Balloonr*I hope our world never comes to this! You lose, or lose. *Wink*

*Star* Thanks for sharing this inventive vision. It was a pleasure to read with an evocative ending. *Starstruck*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Prometheus  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate. *Balloonp* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Partyhatb* I was drawn to the title as I do enjoy mythology! *Lightning3*
Your monologue of the suffering Prometheus to Zeus is well written and his tone is potent. You have created a vivid atmosphere and your details are amazing. Your vision of Aphrodite and Pandora is authentic as well.

*Cake* The poetic structure is balanced with consistent rhyme and I appreciate the effort it must have taken to create and have so many different rhymes and to make sense as well. Fabulous!
The only place where the rhyme does not hold in in your first 4 lines. I was wondering what happened. *Wink*

One little tweak I would suggest is to use "thy" for "thine". It sound a bit odd to have so many "thine"s and the sound sticks out. I read that "thine" might be better with vowel words as in 'Thine eyes" which flows nicely and "thy" for consonant words as in "thy kingdom". There are likely evolutions of the old language and using it here so adds drama and the flavour of the times to the poem. I enjoyed it. See what you think if you change to "thy". It feels light and more flowy to me.
*Wink* I may be wrong. Just something to think about.

*Giftr* Otherwise the soundscape is effective with instances of assonance, consonance and alliteration which adds to the flow and coherence of the piece. Words llike "purloined" and "forsooth" add to the setting and the language on the whole fits the archaic and high class of addressing the gods! *Thumbsup*

This is truly a treasure and I so enjoyed reading it aloud and recalling my own studies of the ancients. You have capture the essence so eloquently. *Starstruck* Thanks for sharing your dramatic flair and vision! Keep it up!

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Pumpkin Saga  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*BalloonR**ConfettiP*HI casey! It is party time so I am here with a review to celebrate you! *Star*

*Partyhatr* Wow! It is so cool to see all the poetry you write and as Fall is coming, my eye caught the Pumpkin. *Pumpkin* The idea of a saga was appealing and using the sonnet form intriguing! *Thumbsup*

*Cake* This is marvelous and you got the aura of a sonnet right on! The drama and emotion was vivid and the dialogue active in telling the tale. Punctuation really helped with knowing who was speaking within the formatted structure. He does sound angry and I laughed at the word "skulduggery"! Brilliant. *Laugh*

*Balloonp* The Sonnet structure is true to form and the rhyme works well. Only one instance where you use an "s": "shares" with "everywhere". I know the effort it takes to get this form correct and make sense. So kudos for you! *Star*

*CupcakeB* I like how you begin in a lighthearted way and get the anticipation of the carver. The punctuation in the last line of verse one is effective and it makes it seem like we are hanging on... and unexpected happens. Good call.

*Balloongo* The couplet at the end is effective too and quite dramatic as a summation of the saga. The carver gets the job done and the jack-o-lantern focuses his rage at the light. You continued the contrast to the end. I think the screaming makes him scarier for the occasion.
And yet perhaps he gets the carver back by the noise all night. Sweet revenge! *Laugh*

*Star* Thanks for sharing this inventive and well conceived entertaining sonnet! What a gift you have.! *Starstruck* I had fun entering the vision.

Light on the path as you write on!!*Star*

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Review of Live to Die  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy slongenti! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate. HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Giftr* I was drawn by your evocative title that suggests a dark theme.

Your expression seems to be a free flow poem with no defined structure and it suits the emotional content. The imagery is so vivid with tense weave of words that create contrasting visuals. Your chosen voaculary is appealing in images like "sockets of heroism", "spastic torture" and "spells of tranquil escapades" Wow! *Thumbsup*

The concept of opposites is unexpected and adds to the atmosphere of chaos: eg. line 5,and 8. *Smile*

I can follow the flow of your messages as I tend to write in a simliar fashion but I wonder, for other readers, some bits of pucntuation would be helpful to show where to pause for meaning. It was mentioned to me once that some folks don't hear the way I write on the page and I could so see their point. *Smile* A few commas can assist this and add potency. eg. after "escapades", "torture" and "courage" something around lines 8 and 9 as I had to wonder what emerges unashamed.*Confused*

The image of the pallette and the familiar phrases at the end add emphasis to the theme.
I didn't get why the word "covered" was there. IT felt out of place to me. *Wink*

Your vision here did evoke our pondering your message. Thanks for sharing it! *Starstruck*

Happy Anniversary! *Balloonp*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

Check out :"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.! *Anchor*

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Review of The Nightcrawler  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy! It's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate. HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Partyhatb* Wow! Catchy evocative title gave me the shivers! The story did nothing to allay them. LOL You have describe this creature and its features very vividly in a chilling atmosphere. *Thumbsup* Active verbs and thematic vocabulary create a strong imagery. You use the word "purged" in an interesting way as referring to night. Fascinating concept.

The paragraph structure is coherent and the summmative sentence in each one is indeed shown within the details of the pargraph. Wonderful concept. I was drawn right into to the vision and had to read on! The "enigma" notion is creepy too.

In the first paragraph I wondered if you really need to repeat "in the cover of night" as you have already set the scene of a dark night. It seems redundant to have that phrase and adds nothing to the story. I like that you emphasize "real quick" yet I wonder if a more vibrant description would add intensity. eg."moves in a flash" or even a comparative: "moves around quick as a flash" or even a more active verb for its movement. *Wink* Just pondering!

I smiled at the line about the new meaning for "clinging". *Laugh* I wonder here if you could find a synonym for "clamped" as you use the same word twice in close proximity. I have read that variety is better. *Smile*
I was thrown out of the story a bit when you said "poor child" as in the rest of the story you are keeping it general--it could be anyone you speak of and then all of a sudden it is a child--mre specific. In keeping it consistent: perhaps, "Poor victim". *Confused* It certainly makes it more dramatic and evoked a response---but it still threw me out of the story.

Also I think you can use the pronoun "it" for the second instance of "the Prey" in the second last line of paragraph too. "til it stops".

Your last line reveals the wisdom and a way to deal with creatures of the night. The idea too that it scares itself is cool! *Cool*

A compelling read rich in detail of the quality and behaviour of this creature. It seems you know it well and it seems real! Thanks for sharing your vision and craft! *Starstruck*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (1.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate. HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Balloonp* I was drawn to the alliterative title that evokes thought and roused my curiosity. The idea of an escape that is experimental is unique and I had lots of questions. Wonderful hook!
The premise in the tag line gives the main idea and it sounds interesting.

*Shock* Yet alas, when I enter in to be amazed, there is no story yet. It is like you escaped and only the intent remains. Or this was the experiment at WDC to see how it works and I am now in the dream! *Smile* I hope you will come back and share your vision as I think it will be interesting.

I notice you have it as Action/Adventure genre. Will it have a sci fi effect too? The possibilies for your story are endless. *Star* Not sure how to rate this as it is not done.

Happy Anniversary! *Balloonp* Hope you are joining in some of the fun!

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

eyestar
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Review of Alone  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Freddie! It's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate. *BalloonR* Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window. and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


*Delight* Your title popped up on the random reads and the theme is relevant as we all need time alone. Your message here is deep and so many struggle with the idea that if they are alone it can be lonely.

*Balloonr* Your poem has a simple repeating pattern as in a refrain and just as we get into the beat of it, you change it up and reveal your true observation. I felt like it wouldn't occur to you to be lonely. I liked the last phrase using the verb "fancy". It is not one we hear very often. *Thumbsup*

*Pen* If you wanted to spruce it up, I wonder how many other words for "like" you could find to make each task you perform alone, appear more vibrant..rather than just the rather over used word "like". Just something I thought about. Not sure how it would be though. *Smile*

Thanks for sharing your unique vision.*Star*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

eyestar

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Review of Power of Choice  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Mr Supersecret! It's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate.
Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window. and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


Your evocative expression popped up on the Random Reads and I was drawn to the title as I think that Choice is one of our powers. It was inspirational to read your point of view and that we do indeed have the power to choose every minute. I think the power is with us each moment in so many way--if we are aware that we have that power. *Wink*

Your tone is confident with a strong voice that is trying to inspire and get readers to realize their power. Using capital letters to emphasise makes an impact. Another way to stress key points is to use italics. You can see how to use these on the side bar under Writing. com Tools, ML help.
*Wink*
I was able to follow your thinking and you do use rather long sentences. The one beginning with "doors...." is very long and would be more potent and clearer if you could break it up a little as you have so many points to make. The part that I got stuck on was "but even though the path you are on, real fast,," . I got confused a bit here. *Confused* Make your points and not be afraid to pause for breath. *Smile*

I wonder if an example of how it has worked in your life could be illustrative and even more vivid to back up your message.

I was happy to read such a positive and unique philosophy! Thanks for sharing your vision! *Starstruck*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Recycled Advice  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate! *Balloonp* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Delight* I caught your title on the Family genre page and had to check it out: Recycled adivce was evocative and added to the tag line about Moms, it comes back to haunt us. So many times I know I have shaken my head at what later became the wisdom I use, when at one time I didn't want to hear it. *Laugh* The topic is a great hook to grab others. The recycle notion is unique too.

You might also put Biographical as a genre heading too and this appears to be a personal experience.

This experience is well written and easy to follow as you show how woman in your family carried on wisdom through their intuition. I think you mkae a good point too that we are never too old to need a hand or an outside observation to tweak our own inner knowing.

I did feel that you could have perhaps added an actual example of an event or situation where this was in action. *Wink* Yet you do get across the message of Listening and learning from experience...if we only would, life might be easier in some cases.

It is inspirational and heart warming to see a close knit family and how it can be a blessing. Maybe that element is missing a lot today. *Sad*

Thanks for sharing your vision and craft. *Starstruck*
*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Dog patrol  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Shadowcaster! It's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate! *Balloong* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Dog1*I found this fun title in the animal genre list and thought that is was a fitting name for dogs that do guard their homes. The poem is delightful and I think children would like it as well. Good choice of genre indicators! *Wink*

*Dog2* The flow skips along smooth and quick and I appreciate the sing song quality of the lines. The two verses are balanced and have a consistent rhyming pattern that adds to the flow and fun of the read. You have one off rhyme in verse one that might be tweaked. *Wink* I like the "radar" idea. The rhythm is not totally even but it does not detract from the meaning and entertainment of the read.

*Balloonp* Your vacabulary is well chosen and you make excellent use of poetic techniques like alliteration, assonance and consonance. Lines like line 2 in verse two is delicious to read for sound and image too.

*Giftr* Your images are so clear and the contrast of cat and dog actions is vivid.
The use of minimum punctuation works here and I would prefer commas where you have dashes. I also think a comma after "crouch, lift lip," would clarify each action and give us time to see each one.

*Star* It was a pleasure to read and enter into the clear situation you have painted. You leave us to imagine the cats and types of dogs so we can engage our own imagination and experience. Well done. *Starstruck*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Kid! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate so here is a review for you!*Delight*
Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window. and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


*Thumbsup* Congrats for posting your first work. i see you did it a second time with the same title. You can always delete the other version so you keep space in your port. *Wink*

*Cake*Your first line set the place and a sad tone as the word "alone" struck me and I think would echoe in a cathedral--it could be a building but it could also be a metaphor for his own "cave", special place, his bubble. I love being able to enter into your dream with my perspectives. I can sometimes see things that are not meant, though. *Smile*

*Balloonp*I like how you seem to be saying that the cathedral is a sanctuary where one can be true and face what is there without judgement and perhaps receive inner guidance about preparing for the journey. Again, by not saying exactly what the journey is, it allows readers to put themselves in their own experience.. *Star*

*Giftr* The style of poem seems to be a free flow with not particular rhythm or rhyme scheme. The repetition of the key phrase gives emphasis to the "place" as being the vital element to his peace.
It was interesting that you used the subject twice in the first line. eg. The kid and he. I rather like the "alone he sat". It has a drama to it to repeat the idea.

*Confettib* In the third line the word "were" is spelled "where" for a place as opposed to the the verb "were".

*Cupcakey* Grammatically I think that line 3--it might read better to say: In his cathedral he rested his shame and judgement" or "to his cathedral, he took his shame..." But I think you would want to stay with the repeated pattern like the other lines.*Wink*

*Sun* Thanks for sharing this evocative poem that made me ponder. I am curious about more details now. *Smile* Good job! *Starstruck* Keep at it!

Hope you take part in the WDC Party activities. *Balloonp*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of The Tree Of Life  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Marnie! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate. Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window. and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.!


*Tree*Wow! This is a potent and vivid expression with clear image of this hunted woman and shows the essence of a time when healers, or magical types were deemed witches. Very dramatic in tone with good details. I like the personification of the goddess and tree. Powerful idea.

The scene of the spell was an wonderful magical element. The woman's faith is strong and connects with the power of elements. This is a valid way to solve the problem in the story poem. *Thumbsup*

The voice is narrative as this seems like a narrative poem. The structure is irregular and flows in a more free style manner. Some verses seem to have a pattern in rhyme and flow and others are not. The vocabulary is well chosen to the theme and to build the atmosphere and picture. The rhyming words work well assist the flow. It might be something to think about to have a more regular structure as the story is strong and vital. *Smile* Some of the verses flow quite readily with some interesting soundscapes. For instance, the verses 1, 2 and 5 flow quite smoothly with a regular rhythm and rhyme. *Thumbsup* Ideally, poets try for consistency .
It feels like you began and then the muse and story unfolded in a unique way. The second line of the last verse is longer than the rest. I wonder on how you could tweak this.

*Quill* Some glitches in spelling/grammar that I noticed:
Verse 1: "ones" needs to be "one's". "moons" needs to be "moon's"
Verse 4: "there bellows " needs to be "their" to show possession. "Forrest" is "forest".
Verse 5: I think you need to take out "upon the branches" part. It seems like an extra as your next line fits quite well and provides a off rhyme with "knees".
Verse 6: "theses" needs to be "these"
Verse 8: "no were" needs to be "nowhere". I think you can drop the word "tree" in "tree branches" as the reader knows they are from trees. *Wink*
Last verse: both the words "there" need to be "their" to show possession. Also, "their bodies"
"its" needs to be "it's" for "it is".
"earths" needs to be "earth's". "Ones" should be "One's"
Also. adding quotation marks around exact spoken words like the goddess's speech, and "please goddess...wrong". *Wink* and the men's "You're going to ...gallows."

The one phrase you use as the men yell at her would make your rating of E inappropriate so please change the words or the rating to suit the content. It certainly fits your story but not at E rating.

I really enjoyed the dark drama of your poem and could follow the episodes with ease. Some Punctuation might help with pauses and effect. In he first verse for instance, a period after moon is needed for that pause before the stars. Also, you need a active verb in the second line, not an "ing" gerund. I am not sure what "hollowing an echo" means. *Wink*
eg. "hollows an echo in the moonlight" for a direct and clear image.

I recommend reading and adding natural punctuation. It will make the read more clear.*Wink*

It was truly realistic presentation and I like how you made use of the mystery, magic and fantasy as well as the landscape. *Star* The voice of the Goddess is potent too.

Thanks for sharing your vivid vision and creativity. *Starstruck* I truly enjoyed entering the dream. Hope I was able to give some help for making your poem even more potent. You rock!

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!
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Review of Pieces of Cement  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (3.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy JScott Todd! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate. HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


I like the theme you are portraying about how we are one and joy comes with being.
The title drew my attention as it is evocative and a brilliant metaphor. Made me think that we are connected-there is an energetic glue that is in each one of us.
I think you used cement for its enduring quality and I then thought it would not be very flexible. *Wink*

The free form suits the philosophical theme and gave me lots to ponder. Two spots stuck out as glitches for me: Line 5 I did not quite understand.
and line 9 I wanted to aske "a necessary" what? Unless you meant "is". *Wink*
Also I felt that "togetherness" was an awkward noun and "real" and 'true", though do have differing nuances, kinda mean the same. Wondering how to strengthen your vital meaning here. *Smile*

Your message is inspiring and a call to me to build peaceful lasting bridges to mirror the energetic oneness we all be whether we know it or not. Thanks for sharing your vision! *Starstruck*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

eyestar

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Review of The Special One  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Ella! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate. Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window. and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.!


*Partyhatr*I like the title as I was passing on the Read A Newbie page and it made me curious about who was special and what would make them special.

*Cake* The first lines set the mystery up and gave me shivers. I could imagine her confusion. I take it this line is an intro or teaser to the story as there is no real setting yet. Good hook.

*Balloonp* The first chapter you have here is very short and sets up a mystery as to what the girl has to choose. Using the "I" voice will be interesting as it is a challenge to use it.

*Cupcakep* I noticed a couple of typos: In the first line : "awoken" should be "awoke". and in the last line "iea" needs to be "idea". *Wink* It happens. LOL

*Giftr* I wonder if more details like names and location, and perhaps a time in history where you have set this. I was curious about why the numbers is important. In your tag line you say that earth is ruled by these creatures and you give no indication of which the parents were and how it comes to a choice. I don't know much about the vamp world though, obviously. *Wink*
You have an interesting premise and I am sure you will expand as you go! I can't wait to see how she will figure it out.

*Star* Thanks for sharing your first entry with WDC. I hope you will continue to expand the story. *Delight* I hope you set up a bio block too so we can get to know you.

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

Check out: "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. review for a ticket or talk like a pirate and buy one! *Skull*
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Robert! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate! Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window. and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*

and thanks for entering the "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.


*Partyhatb*Wow! This is amazing and fun to sing. I haven't heard the song in a long while. Great memories so thanks for adding the link too. Your rendition really hits the spot and I was able to sing along with your words and the song. Too cool!

*Cake*The topic is so relevant and suits the party week festivities as it is about your love of WDC and how folks are so helpful to you. It is a wonderful tribute to the site too. Have you thought of putting it on the newsfeed with a happy birthday.. Or even on "Tributes to Writing.ComOpen in new Window. *Delight*

*Balloong*The poem is written in lyrical format and the repeating lines are well chosen to emphasize the main idea. It is cool how the simple rhyme adds to the flow and sing song vibe. the punctuation assisted the read as well. Good job!
Using word endings as in "gonna", "loggin" adds to the atmosphere and mimi
I like how you repeat at the end and the letters get smaller as you fade out. Very neat trick! *Thumbsup*

*Star* This really rocks and is entertaining mimicry of the catchy song. Thanks for your sharing your creative spirit and love for music! *Heart*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

Check out: "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. review for a ticket or talk like a pirate and buy one! *Skull*
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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
*Balloonp*Ahoy Andrew! It's WDC's 16th Birthday and time to celebrate! Welcome to WDC from "Newbie Welcome WagonOpen in new Window. and "WdC SuperPower Reviewers GroupOpen in new Window.! *BalloonR*


*Partyhatb*I was drawn to the scientific title as I believe that we as creators can manipulate energy! So I was curious to read your article.

*Partyhatg* It was interesting to read and you make good points for how many still tend to believe or fear the Dark magic when really there is much more good that is being created. I am not sure about the price part--but maybe that is from the negative side and the honouring of polarity. *Wink* and certainly has been passed through time as you say in these practices.

*Balloonp* Your expression has a matter of fact tone and I could follow your thinking. I would have been interested in seeing more vivid experiences to show your point as you say You have seen and felt the phenomenon. It is definitely time for us to wake up to our full capabilities and create the wonderful world that could be. *Smile*

*Cake* I noticed a bit of glitch in this line:
"To achieve a limited material ends, in matter requires a price. A price..."
I think it needs a tweak of some kind as it doesn't flow coherently to me. Also a comma is needed after "price" or the next phrase hangs there. *Wink*

In your first line I wondered why there was so much space before "the better". Could be just a glitch in formating.

Also in paragraph 6: "has scares" may need to be "has scared" and in paragraph 8, you have two "the"s in "so that the the time". *Wink*

*Star* It is clear that you have some knowlege of your subject in an attempt to understand it.Thanks for sharing your fascinating and thought provoking piece. I enjoyed the theme. *Starstruck*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Memories  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Balloonp*Ahoy! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and soon your 5th, and time to celebrate so here is a review for you!*Delight*


*Partyhatb*Oh wow! I was moved by this sad walk in memory land. You really captured the essence of the loss of a child and the hole it creates. I like the contrast of the first verese and the last, using similar words and yet the emotional tone is opposite. Well done! *Thumbsup*

*Cake* The poem is balanced in its verses with a consitent rhyme scheme. It was pleasant to read aloud and I came up with a sad tune for it--haunting your voice is as you reveal the sorrow.
Punctuation served the poem and though it is usually not a good thing to use "and" so much in close proximity as in your first verse, it adds a kind of run on playful drama to that image.
*Wink*

*Candleo* The imagery is vivid and the aura is potent as one is drawn into the sorrow. The theme is one I am sure noone wants to contemplate, yet it happens. I ownder if the title could be more relevant as the word Memories is so generic.

Thanks for sharing your vision. *Heart*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Balloonp*Ahoy! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and your 8th and time to celebrate so here is a review for you!*Delight*


*Anchor*I was seeking treasures for "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window. and came across your campfire! What a fabulous and unique idea for a group campfire and leaving it open really works so we can easily read the continuing story bits added by various authors. Well conceived. *Thumbsup*

*Boat* I am not familiar with the series you mention in your brief intro but it doesn't do any harm as I can leap into the story and get the drift of it. I like how each new person adds their character details as they jump in! You have some unique characters and the addition of the alien who has to eat raw meat makes for a challenge within the ranks.

*Partyhatb* The story kept me reading and the interweaving of pirate terms like "Keelhaul" and the play on some of the Pirates of the Caribbean movie I recognize too! The writing is coherent and dialogue well written. The authors are also giving us clues into their characters' minds.

*Key* The last line of your intro is a bit off grammatically with the phrase "as animals" at the end.*Wink*

*Wind* I look forward to more of the story.*Star* Thanks for dreaming this up for these stellar authors to join in and build your world.

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of Galway Musicians  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
*CakeB* HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary ReviewsOpen in new Window.*CakeP*


*Balloonp*Ahoy THING! it's WDC's 16th Birthday and your 15th is coming (wow!!} and time to celebrate so here is a review for you!*Delight*


*Partyhatb* I enjoy Irish music and recentley watched a show where Tim Connolly took a video tour of his visit to Galway--- so cool! I saw this item in your port and now I have your "take' on it! *Smile*

I like how you angled your picture to not only get the musicians but a view of the stone street, building styles and street banners. Made me wonder if there was a celbration with the streamers hanging. Maybe you could add a little commentary. *Wink*

You evoked my curiosity: Did you know the song they were playing? What kind of shop is Kilkenny? Are cars allowed to drive on those roads or is it a special day? It is neat not to see snow in December. I may need to go research now. *Wink*

Thanks for sharing this little vision of Ireland. *Shamrock*

*Star*Light on the path as you write on!

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Review of In The Air  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloonp* Welcome to WDC TanyaWrite! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! *Delight*


*Smile*I so enjoy haiku and have recently been studying the form so it is fun to see your poem!

*Smile* Your haiku follows the pattern on 3 lines and a theme of nature. I liked the comparison of a the touch to the wind! *Thumbsup* A key part of haiku is the contrast of two different images in a moment in time and the use of phrases as opposed to sentences and you have done this. *Thumbsup*

*Quill* Haiku do not use capital letters or much punctuation so you can easily tweak that issue.
I have learned that adjectives are not the favoured words in Haiku--- you want to leave something for the reader to discover their own perspective. *Wink*
eg. instead of tell me that is is pleasant etc, let me dream about how the touch is like the wind.

Also-what kind of wind: a breeze, a strong wind --be more specific.
Let the reader read between the lines.
I also learned that you do not need to be strict in the syllable count--it can be even simpler
keeping a phrase in the first two lines and a fragment in the last. *Smile*

Sorry, I get excited about all my new learnings about true haiku and can't wait to share!

I enjoyed the gentle sensual image and imagine lovers caress near an open window in the night breeze. *Star*
Thanks for sharing your vision and example of this challenging haiku form. *Starstruck* Thanks for letting me play in your world.

Light on the path as you write on!
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Review of Of Good or Evil  Open in new Window.
Review by eyestar~* Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloonp* Welcome to WDC Temmi! I am happy to do a review to celebrate you! *Delight*


*Delight* Wow! This is a fascinating outline for a story and for the duality to be set up in the vibes of the two children is a brilliant premise. Your last line really hooked me too to want to read the coming tale. I like the idea of a future tale that has the aura of an Arthurian story.

*Moon*The description of the the children is vivid. I did wonder about the one not being given a name, at least initially as a baby in the home. I think someone would have had to look after him as a baby or he would have died. In the writing about him it seems like you do jump a bit ahead when you say he was not well liked etc.

*Quill*I think "from the last" is a redundant phrase as we know you are comparing him to Arthur.

*Smile*I can't wait to see where you go with this. *Starstruck* Keep going.

*Balloonb* Hope you enjoy WDC and the upcoming 16th Birthday Bash! *Balloonp*

Light on the path as you write on!
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