Hiya. I think this piece has a lot of potential. Your plot line is a great demonstration of how paranoia can affect someone. You have almost a poetic style of describing images and exploring inner emotions, and I think that allows the reader to actually 'feel' the piece.
I have a few suggestions for you as far as flow and punctuation. First, I noticed a few places where 'Stanley' is spelled differently. Sometimes, there is an 'e' between the 'l' and 'y', and sometimes there isn't. Also, I think that if you seperated the dialogue from the narrative and placed into seperate paragraphs, it would help the reader follow it a little easier. I noticed that you use semicolons quite often, and while they are often useful, they are also easy to overuse. I suggest to read through and seperate some of the longer sentences that use several comma's, as well as a semicolon, into shorter easier to follow sentences. One thing that I do when I am editing my own pieces is to read it aloud. Sometimes this can help with the pacing of the narrative, as well as indicate places where comma's are put to good use.
I have included some examples to explain these points below.
- In the third line there is a typo on 'Stanley'.
- Humans passed by in the masses, robotic complexities adorning the faces of each soul-starved one; their pupils heavy with disregard to everything other than would cause hindrance to their pace.
*** The second part of this sentence doesn't flow very well and I found I had to read it over a couple times to get the meaning. I would suggest to rephrase the second part a little. For example, their pupils heavy with disregard, ignoring anything that didn't hinder them directly. or, their pupils heavy with disregard, taking note only to what would cause hindrance to their pace. Or something along those lines, it was all I could come up with on the fly.
- Stanley observed a group of humans clustered violently around a kebab shop, as a vile chef wearing a stained apron slowly cut the rotating meat slabs, Stanley couldn't help notice how the scene was similar to the hyena feeding frenzies featured on national geographic; only in this case the humans were even more so repulsive.
***This sentence is too long, it goes on for so long that I lost the point of it before I reached the end. My suggestion is that you seperate it into seperate sentences. For example, Stanley observed a group of humans clustered violently around a kebab shop as a vile chef, wearing a stained apron, slowly cut the rotating meat slabs. Stanley couldn't help notice how the scene was similar to Hyena feeding frenzies on 'National Geographic'. The only difference, in this case, was that the humans were even more repulsive. ~~The word 'so' after 'more' is an extra, and the National Geographic could be featured in quotation marks, as well as capital letters.
- Yet the cold, seemed to run up his sleeve,.....
*** I don't think the first comma is needed. For me it seemed to break the flow of the sentence.
All in all, I think this piece could be really great and that your style of writing compliments the subject very well. Feel free to let me know when you have edited and I would be more than happy to change my rating. I hope my comments have helped. Happy Writing!!
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AJ Lyle |
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