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2,311 Public Reviews Given
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Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
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Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
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Short Stories, Chapters
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I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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326
326
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, iva*mae!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


A very enjoyable story. The narrative tone set the mood of the piece very well. It was calm but with a gentle hint of mystery which kept me wondering what was going to happen. The type of speech used indicated this piece was set in the past, and the narrative was consistent with this. I very much enjoy the 'proper' speech patterns and found that you laced hints in through them very nicely. I was looking for them, but didn't find them all until the second read.

The ending paragraph left a smile on my face, though I know it is just a bit dark of me to have that type of response. I was content with knowing what I had thought would happen, did. The characters were built up nicely, especially Cassie. The narrative supplied the information the reader needed to be certain of her personality.

The character of Jake was limited, but that was a necessity for the piece to work out as it did. It wouldn't have been an effective twist on the end if the reader had inside knowledge of his intent and motives.

Using the time frame of three months with nothing happening was a good touch. It allowed the reader to become lulled into liking Jake, even though the indicators of time frame and circumstance hinted at suitable distrust.

The dialogue flowed very smoothly and was realistic to the time frame. I think the dialogue is what sold me on Jake's personality. His responses to Cassie seemed very genuine.

The story moved along nicely from beginning to end. I was kept intrigued throughout by the narrative and useful dialogue between the characters. Nicely done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*"Cicero! You get back here, do you hear?
Just missing the end quotation mark.

*Bullet*"I'm coming," she yelled She...
The period in between 'yelled' and 'She' is missing.


*Star*Overall*Star*

A very enjoyable story. The time period was explained well and felt natural to the flow of the story.

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
327
327
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*
!!

*Smile*Hiya, drboris! I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

The narrative tone was very good for setting the mood of this piece. It was evident right away that the men in the story were seasoned, which gives the reader an early indication of violence. The sentence structure played a big part in the tone as well, shorter sentences signaling a rise in tension. Very nice.

I enjoyed the dialogue between these characters. It flowed well, the wording was realistic considering the type of men they were and it came across as very natural. The dialogue was active and was definitely a key aspect of the story.

Which leads me to character development. I felt the characters were realistic in their actions and reactions. Thanks to the narrative, the reader understands their tempers will be short and their reasoning unsound due to the length of time they had been stranded on the small boat with no food. I think you depicted them well, and though there wasn't a whole lot of individual development, I don't think it was necessary for telling this. Good work.

The story line itself flowed extremely well. The flow was continuously active, leading the reader through the story easily and with plenty to keep them interested. I know I was eager to see how the scene played out, and I wasn't disappointed. The action between the characters was really well described and I found it easy to follow the sequence of their encounter, making it easy to create a visual of the scene. Nice!

The last line was great, indicating that they had, in fact, solved their problem of being saved all by themselves. Even if it wasn't exactly ideal. *Smile* A suitable ending.

The title of this piece was great, and after reading it I could see why you chose it, since the 'burden of command' was what started it all in the first place with Colin, or was at least his excuse for his actions. I also think it will draw attention and cause readers to want to read it, as it indicates the conflict.

Suggestions:

*Bullet* “NO” shouted Gary,...
Consider using an exclamation point after 'No' to emphisize that he is shouting. Or, simply add a comma if you don't like the exclamation mark. Some authors try not to use them, so completely up to you.

*Bullet*“You shot me”.
Just a typo here, the period should be inside the quotation marks.

*Bullet* “Are you f***ing crazy?
Just missing the quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

Overall

All in all, a very enjoyable read. Have a wonderful WDC Anniversary! *Smile*

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
328
328
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Sticktalker!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone of this piece gave the impression of being told the story, very much like hearing it from a storyteller. I think it was a very effective method for this piece, as it gave it the feel of an old native story. Many times, my husbands mother has told me stories similar to this, of animals and their interaction with the tribes. This had the same type of feel to it. Well done.

The story line was interesting, and a tale I have never heard. It does have the same type of ring to it that one would expect from a native story as it is handed down through the people.

The structure of the piece was constant and flowed well. I didn't notice any areas where it lulled. It was actively told and kept me intrigued through the entire telling. I like how you provided a visual of the scene between the rabbit and the boy, switching from 'tell' to 'show' and back again smoothly. Very nice.

The sentence structure is reflective of the way the story would be told, as were the word choices. Lines such as 'ten hands of ten hands' provided a good showing of the type of speech one would expect from a native person at the time of the event.

There is a definitely moral within this story, to beware of what you promise without understanding the consequences as both the cottontail and the tribe found out, and as a result, suffered from this pact.

After reading this piece I chose to read it to my older children, aged nine and eleven. They enjoyed the story very much. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*The Wan-ee lands were not rich with the salmon that swam in the great river that ran through the willow and oak-covered fertile lands of the valley floor,...
This sentence felt awkward as I read it. I found I had to read it over twice to keep track of what it was saying. I think it is the use of 'that' twice so close together which threw it off for me. Consider taking out 'that ran through' and using an alternate way of describing the course of the river. Perhaps something like, '...that swam in the great river as it would its way through...'.

*Bullet*As soon as Father Sun had peeked over the tops of the great mountains this morning Waphoo had risen,...
The use of 'this morning' pulled this section out of tense with the preceeding sections. I think it could be removed without hampering the comprehension of the sentence. Something for you to think about.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A well written piece, relflective of the native culture and the ways in which they express their connection to the world around them. An enjoyable read, thank you for sharing it. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
329
329
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Hunter's Moon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an interesting, creative twist on the Irish legend of the Tuatha De Danann. I have read quite a few books about them, so when I saw the title I just had to read it. Which shows, I suppose, how well the title works - at least for me.*Wink*

The narrative was objective as Kahnh watched on during the beginning of the battle, with detailed descriptions and enough information to keep the reader interested even without any prior knowledge of the legend. You did well adding your own interpretation of this, as well. It was highly entertaining. There was also an undertone of emotion from Kahnh, which set the mood very well as the story unfolded. It also allowed for some strong character development. The tone was consistent throughout and really added to the experience of the read.

The section of dialogue with Leperaugh allowed the reader to understand later on what kind of sacrifice Kahnh actually made when he helped Nauda, rather than doing as he had been told and doing nothing to interfere. Another area where character development was apparent. The dialogue itself was phrased well and flowed naturally.

The flow of the story was was smooth from beginning to end, there were no areas where I felt it staggered. It was consistent and moved at a good rate to hold my attention through the entire piece.

The descriptions were vivid and worded well for the most part. There were a couple places where I felt the wording was a bit off, but then, taking into account the word limit, there are bound to be areas like this. I am really quite suprised by the amount of detail you managed to get in without interrupting the flow of the story and still maintaining the count. Very well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...brilliance as it cut it way through the rising mist.
I think the second 'it' should be 'its'.

*Bullet*From the outside, his vantage point appeared to be a large outcrop of the granite that poked through the verdant land.
I stumbled on this sentence. I feel the meaning is a bit unclear. After reading it twice I could understand what you meant, but perhaps consider clarifying slightly. My suggestion would be to add a few words. For example,
~From the outside, his vantage point appeared to be a large outcrop of the same granite that poked its way up through the verdant land. This, of course, would also mean cutting words from somewhere else to maintain the count, so it may not be possible.

*Bullet*"Yes sir."
There should be a comma after 'Yes'.

*Bullet*...the Fir Bolg began to chant "Sreng, Sreng," naming...
There should be punctuation after 'chant'.

*Bullet*Time seemed to slow to a crawl as Naruda stopped...
There is a typo on 'Nauda' in this sentence.

*Bullet*He palmed the door, which dilated open appearing like a swirling rainbow.
I stumbled on this sentence. I wonder if adding a comma after 'open' would rectify this. Something to think about, at any rate.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A well told, tightly structured piece. It was an interesting take on the legends, and highly enjoyable. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
330
330
Review of Lest We Forget  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, iva*mae!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very well written story. The narrative tone of this piece was calm and descriptive, allowing the reader to experience the events from Tavnor's perspective as he watched those he loved, as well as his world, fade away. The sentence structure varied nicely, which helps the reader along by using different lengths to change the tone, and hence the mood.

Tavnor's character was well presented and believable. His thoughts gave his personal perpective, and demonstrated how gentle his personality was. He was portrayed as a gentle soul with an unshakeable faith in his God and this was supported by the way he acted with his children. Though they did not follow the type of lifestyle he wished, he allowed them to make their own decisions and held onto his faith that everything would turn out well. Very strong character development.

The descriptions were vividly worded to provide the reader a clear visual, both of the area and the features of the characters. I had no trouble maintaining a visual of the events in my mind as they transpired.

The way you presented this word was believable and realistic. I didn't find any indication of inconsistency in the plot line or the development of the world and traditions. I like that you provided a list at the end of the piece to indicate the meanings of the additional words. Though I do think they were presented within the piece well enough to make them believable and allow the reader to understand their meaning before hand.

The dialogue between the characters was very natural and expressive. I found it believable.

The title of this piece fits the content well. The last paragraph summed up the story well and allowed thoughtful reflection from the reader, and an understanding of why things turned out as they did.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...but I guess he had others to attend to more important."
I found I stumbled on the wording in this sentence. Consider adding 'who were' before 'more important'.

*Bullet*"I could also take private students father or teach music in school or even compose for Uigods choir.
Consider using comma's to break up this sentence a bit. It feels as though he is rambling without them. Also, there is a typo on 'Urgods'.

*Bullet*... what was formerly Liva.
There is a missing 'i' in 'Livia'.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. I would not hesitate to recommend this piece.

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
331
331
Review of Martyr Chapter 3  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Bethany! I apologize for how long it took me to get to reviewing these chapters. I have been a bit busy the last few days. *Smile* I am glad to offer my suggestions, but remember they are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

Well, I think there has been fairly good progress on the story line in these two chapters. Quite a lot of time passed by, bringing them to summer vacation and meeting Chloe's family and friends. There have been a few indicators that Evie will not stay happy with the situation for long. Her attitude is good so far, but she is slightly volatile, so I think there will probably be a confrontation sooner or later.

The meeting of Roz was a nice touch, and gave me a little bit of hope for Evie to find some happiness, or at least have some fun that doesn't include Chloe or drinking. Of course, this also gives another potential for a bad situation. I think that's a good thing, there should be no lack of confrontations for you to keep the reader interested.

I am a little bit put off my Chloe's turn around in the car when they were heading to her parents. Her thoughts seemed a bit too scattered. Within the space of two sentences she went from being worried her parents wouldn't like Evie and would drive them apart, to being worried Evie would embarass her. It is realistic for her to think about both things, but I think telling the reader both things at the same time will be too much and seem inconsistent. Something to consider, at any rate. *Smile*

The dialogue flows well and has a realistic feel to it.

I caught a hint of something to come, regarding Evie's job, as well. Make sure you don't get so many subplots going that you can't keep up with them. Readers tend to prefer simple plots to plots they can't seem to follow or feel are realistic. Again, a point to consider.

Suggestions

CHAPTER FOUR

Try to limit the amount you use the word 'had' if at all possible. It tends to create a passive voice. If possible, take it out or reword slightly sometimes. For example,
*Bullet* After two weeks, my officemate had asked for a different place to go, and my advisor had given gave Chloe a part time job filing for the department...

*Bullet*...we sat up a Christmas tree...
I think 'set' would be the correct word for this sentence.

*Bullet*... in my twenty two years...
Numbers such as this should be combined with a hyphen *Right*twenty-two.

*Bullet*...plopped one on mine the second...
I think 'me' would flow smoother than 'mine'.

*Bullet*... word of my sentence came out squeaking.
Consider using 'as a squeak' rather than 'squeaking'. It would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*She’d bought me a...
there is no need for the 'had' in this sentence.

*Bullet*... new coffee pot with its’ own...
Don't need the apostrophe at the end of 'its'.

*Bullet*...we spend hours making...
The word 'spend' should be 'spent'.

*Bullet*...and together we made turkey and every side we could think of.
To limit the use of the word 'and' consider using 'along with' before 'every side'.

*Bullet*...forced to filing a restraining order on...
To use 'filing' you need 'to' to be 'into', or you could say 'to file'.

*Bullet* It will fun, none-the-less,...
The word 'will' should be 'was'.

*Bullet*...the light out in beautiful patters all over the walls...
There is a typo on the word 'patterns'.

CHAPTER FIVE

*Bullet*...graduation night where for my high school...
The word 'where' should be 'there'.

*Bullet* The dark hair contrasted against her light features was gorgeous.
The word 'contrasted' should be 'contrasting'.

*Bullet*...going wonderfully Chloe.
Need a comma before 'Chloe'.

*Bullet* She smiled shyly and gave waved her tiny hand hello as...
The word 'gave' is out of place in this sentence.

*Bullet*Carolyn showed me the master suite, which had been the size of my entire apartment.
The word 'had been' do not fit with this sentence. Try 'was' instead.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, the plot line is progressing nicely, as well as the characters themselves. There is definitely room for quite a bit of development. I think after some editing it will flow smoothly and be a very enjoyable read. Happy Writing!

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332
332
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Dreamin1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is definitely a thought provoking piece. I believe you have presented this eternal question in a very realistic, open minded fashion. You have made reference to many different religious beliefs, from what I recognized as Catholic, to Atheism, to Prodistan. I believe you have provided the reader with very clear questions, ones which will undoubtedly spur deep thought and reflection.

I agree with you that this is a question we must answer for ourselves, regardless of religious background, or lack thereof. Like you explained, the Bible itself is completely open to personal interpretation, and has been 'interpretated' in so many different ways and by so many different view points that I believe there is no true answer to this question. Which, I believe, is one of the main ideas you were trying to get across.

The sentence structure in this piece suited the narrative tone very well. The tone of this piece helped to capture the essence, the question of what is truly correct when referencing right and wrong. I think the tone is also one of the things that makes this piece so intense. It challenges the reader to truly think about it, to challenge themselves to try and answer it. Many have tried, many believe they have succeeded, but in the scheme of things, we will never know.

I was captured by the first paragraph easily. The quality of the writing, combined with the narrative tone pulled me alond through the piece with ease. It was the type of read where I forgot I was actually reading. Very nice. You managed to convey the narrators emotions without pushing them on the reader, expressing belief without demanding the reader agree. I believe this will appeal to the reader. The reader agreeing with the narrator isn't the point of this, and that comes across very strongly. The ending statement was simply wonderful. It sums up the general idea, in a way the reader will understand.

Alright, enough rambling, I think! *Wink* Onto the suggestions...

Suggestions

*Bullet*...for any reason honorable?,It happens...
Just a misplaced comma after the question mark.

*Bullet*I have one technical suggestion. I noticed as I read, there is a tendency to use the word 'that' often. I think there are many places it could be removed to provide a smoother flow without changing the content. I have provided an example of one such place, below.
~Maybe they believe that Hell is a place that most people wouldn't want to be,...


*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, I think you have done a very nice job of expressing the philosophical question contained in this piece with an objective point of view, allowing the reader to decide for themselves. An extremely enjoyable, thought provoking read. Very well done!

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~AJ Lyle~

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
333
333
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Jasmine. You were kind enough to read and review my work, and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

Strengths

This piece has good potential. The ending hook is very nice, it leads the reader up to a revelation that will more than likely be devastating to Stacey, which will definitely make people want to continue on to the next chapter. Great job with that.

The character development of Stacey is moving along well. The dialogue allows the reader to see she is somewhat shallow, worrying whether she will turn into a nerd or not {which made me laugh!), and her thoughts show she is very concerned with what is cool and how her friends and others view her. For a first chapter, that is a great start. The first paragraph of the second section is well worded and structured, allowing for the reader to get a sense of how she is feeling. This is an important part of character development, as well as hooking the reader. Good job.

The tone of the narrative is good. The narrator is Stacey and the tone reflects her emotions and reactions, showing the reader what she sees and feels. You did good with the first person tense, it is a hard one to perfect because you cannot experience the other characters inner thoughts and have to rely solely on the narrator for information. I think you have done well writing it this way, it seems to be natural form for you. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*I am Stacey keemer, I am 16, have a gorg-boyfriend, blonde hair, blue eyes, big chest. am one of those sexy, popular girls who EVERYONE knows and loves.
This is a whole lot of information to impart in a quick list format. You want the introduction of the main character to be memorable for the reader. Consider expanding this first sentence, adding a bit more extra info and creating several sentences out of it. For an example, I have done this below. Remember though, this is straight off the top of my head, and as the author, you get to decide whether you agree or not!*Smile*
My name is Stacey Keemer. I'm sixteen years old with honey blonde hair, matching blue eyes and a creamy complexion. I'm one of those girls in school that everyone loves, with the added benefit of being well endowed, if you know what I mean, and the hottest guy I know as my boyfriend.
I know these facts may be different than what you imagine, but I added some to show you what I mean about additional info.

*Bullet*It is a good idea to place numbers in long format, for example, 3 years = three years.

*Bullet*3 years ago now, that it was nearly Mike, my boyfriend's 17th birthday party,...
This sentence is slightly confusing to me, was it Mike's 17th birthday when Stacey was 13? Also, try starting this sentence with, 'It was three years ago now,...'

*Bullet*It all started when Me and Mike went upstairs and had some fun!
I think you need to expand on this thought a bit. The sentence directly following this states she is walking home, later that night, so I don't really understand how it was the fun which started everything. Also, should be 'Mike and I'.

*Bullet* I did not know what happened, if it had not been for the sounds, I would not have known what happened.
Consider rephrazing this slightly. It sounds as though you are saying the same thing each time, though what I think you mean is if not for the sounds, you wouldn't have realized anything was wrong. Am I right?

*Bullet*Take a quick read through and look for the beginning words of new sentences. There are a few that aren't capitalized.

*Bullet*...stopped my thought in it's tracks.
The word 'it's' is referring to the thought so should be 'its'. The apostrophe is only needed if it could be replaced with 'it is' without changing the meaning.

*Bullet*A golden wolves head necklace.
This sentence feels awkward, like it would be hard to say out loud. Try 'A golden necklace in the shape of a wolf's head'.

*Bullet*I tried it on, and everything shot forward, and I felt a pulling sensation.
Try to reduce using the word 'and' in a sentence more than once. It tends to feel repetitive. You could rephraze slightly to reduce this need, for example, 'I tried it on and everything shot forward as pulling sensation came over me.

*Bullet*Not lieing on a metal table...
The word 'lieing' should be 'lying'.

*Bullet*...tomorrow at 1 oclock for lunch.
I suggest to word this as 'one o'clock'.

*Bullet*I wonder at Phillius' personality. Though I like how he acted at the end, I wonder at why he felt it necessary to kidnap her, then simply schedule a meeting at the Pizza Palace. It feels inconsistent. You may consider working that out a bit for the reader to understand it.

Overall

All in all, I think you have done pretty well with introducing the main character, as well as hooking the reader with a supernatural occurance. I enjoyed the character of Phillius, he seemed to be quite calm and in control of himself. Stacey comes across as a realistic sixteen year old and I'm sure young adult readers will appreciate that she acts like an average teenager. I believe this has good potential, and that with some diting, will be a great first chapter.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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334
334
Review of Down Home  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

This is a promising start to what appears to be a dramatic story. It is clear in the beginning that Jane has escaped a marriage to a man who abused her. The second section, a few months later, gives the impression that her and her daughter are having difficulty dealing with the after affects of such a horrible situation. I know from experience that this can be a very volatile situation, especially if the husband decides to make a reappearance.

The narrative is smooth for the most part, though I think you could consider using a bit more variety with sentence length. There is a tendency to use long sentences with a lot of comma's. Though this can create a soft, flowing tone to the writing, it can become tiresome for the reader as well. These types of sentences can be hard for the reader to follow. Does that make sense? I sure hope so! *Smile*

The dialogue between Jane and her daughter was realistic. I got a fairly good sense of Jane's personality through this chapter. She seems to be a hard working mother who would love nothing more than to have a calm, normal life. The character of the daughter was barely introduced so I don't feel that I can make any comments in that regard as of yet.

Definitely an intriguing start. Keep up the good work!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...that housed The 1st savings bank of Milwaukee.
I think if this is a name of a bank that the words 'savings bank' should also be capitalized.

*Bullet*The second paragraph is all one sentence. Consider revising it into shorter sentences. The reason I suggest this is because I found I had to read it twice to get it all because I got side tracked with all the different thoughts at one time.

*Bullet*...and could not force herself eyes to nap while the sun was still up during the day.
There is an extra word in this sentence, I think it is 'eyes'.

*Bullet*Waking up gasping for the air she never could full let into her lungs.
The word 'full' should be 'fully'.

*Bullet*Jane Addison pulled her maroon ford pickup truck into the parking lot of the Salem Grade School parking lot amazingly as the release bell rang.
This sentence seems awkward. First, 'parking lot' is used twice, also, consider rewording slightly, refraining from the adverb 'amazingly'. For example, 'Jane Addison pulled her maroon ford pick-up truck into the parking lot of Salem Grade School just as the release bell rang. She was amazed at her luck.

*Bullet*...window and waived her over.
The word 'waived' should be 'waved'. Waived is used when 'waiving' a fine, or something of the like.


Overall

An interesting first chapter. I am interested to see where this story goes. *Smile*

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
335
335
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very productive chapter as far as information is concerned. My personal knowledge of the time frame they are referencing is very limited, so I am not sure if the facts are all 'factual' or whether they were fictionalized for the story. However, that said, I don't think it really matters. The point I am getting at is that you have used dialogue between the characters very well to help the reader understand the facts as they are explained. Considering my limited knowledge, I had no trouble following the conversation and understanding the information. I think this is very important to retain the readers interest, whether they are knowledgeable or not. Nicely done.

The narrative flowed very nicely and was easy to follow. The descriptions were vivid, and again, I have no knowledge of the area you are using, but I found I was able to create a visual in my minds eye with very little effort. Well done.

The dialogue between Monday, Daria and Henri was active and easy to follow. Their speech varied depending on the speaker, which makes it easy to distinguish between characters without extra narrative to explain this each time. Nice. Also, I found the way they spoke to be realistic and believable. I like the character Henri, he seems to be a very realistic character. He says what he thinks, without worrying about the consequences.

This story is getting deeper with the additional information and I think you are doing a very nice job of doing it smoothly, allowing the reader to follow the events with ease.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Hi Henri.”
I think there should be a comma after 'Hi'.

*Bullet*“Vas is wuss?” Wuss my dear is a man who is no longer a man. A weakling, a groveling, a sniveling half man.”
There is a quotation mark in the midst of this dialogue that doesn't belong.

*Bullet* He laid the documents on the bar and scanning them.
Consider changing the word 'scanning' to 'scanned'. I believe it would be smoother.

*Bullet*“Yes we do but we need help following the clues that give the directions.”
Consider placing a comma after 'do'. I think it would provide a natural pause for smoother flow.

*Bullet*“Ach!” Let me see. “The notes make reference to several places and several people,”
As far as I can tell, 'Let me see' should be a part of the dialogue, but is cut off by quotation marks.

*Bullet*I remember now,” Monday cut in.
Just missing opening quotation mark.

*Star*Overall*Star*

An indepth chapter which moves the story along nicely. The characters and plot line are being developed at a realistic and enjoyable rate. Great work! *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Martyr Chapter 2  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya again, Bethany!

Strengths

These two chapters were very enjoyable. Chloe's personality comes through very well and is infectious even to me as I read. I really like how Evie can hear Chloe's thoughts as she speaks. It makes it quite interesting as I read. I think the way you do it is effective. I also have to say, I'm liking Chloe more and more. She is showing she is a lot smarter than she makes herself out to be.

The dialogue between the two girls is realistic and entertaining. A lot of their personality traits have been coming out through the dialogue and their reactions, and I think you have been very consistent with that. I like them both, though they are really very different in almost every respect. Evie started out closed up and is slowly emerging from her shell, again, very realistically. These two are strong characters and come across as believable. This story is going to be a lot of fun to read as it progresses, I'm sure! *Smile*

The flow of the narrative is good, Evie's thoughts give insight to her as a person and to her life before, though very little details have been given in that regard as of yet. I think taking it slow with that was a good idea, especially since when her past starts to come out it will more than likely cause them some problems. I have some thoughts about what I have been percieving as small hints about Chloe's family, but I think I'm just going to wait and see what happens, rather than asking. *Wink* It's funner that way. *Smile*

Suggestions

CHAPTER TWO

*Bullet*The sound of a humming brain...
I wonder if 'mind' would flow a little better. Something to consider.

*Bullet*Watching her made me self-conscience.
The word 'self-conscience' should be 'self conscious'.

*Bullet* You said you’re dad’s a senator;
The word 'you're' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*It’s like I’m going to tell anyone.
This is a piece of Chloe's thoughts. I think you meant to say 'It's not like I'm going to tell anyone.'

*Bullet*You know I can hear your thoughts, and you want me to move in and, what?
This is Evie talking, so the word 'me' should be taken out. Isn't it Chloe that will move in with Evie?

*Bullet*“I’ll be the best roommate ever I promise.
I think a comma after 'ever' would be appropriate.

*Bullet*Hey can I paint my room?
Comma after 'Hey'.

CHAPTER THREE

*Bullet* Everything just thinks I’m some bimbo because I wear nice clothes...
This should be 'everyone'.

*Bullet*Even my teachers had a problem hold back bias when it came to “Crazy Evie.”
The word 'hold' should be 'holding'.

*Bullet*“Haven’t seen you in awhile Evie.”
Comma before 'Evie'.

*Bullet*“Yeah, whatever. I know we both be bisexual,...
I think, 'I know we're both bisexual' would flow smoother.

*Bullet*...probably because she looked like me than I could possibly be comfortable with.
Insert the word 'more' before 'like'. I think it was meant to be there, just overlooked.

*Bullet*day dreaming
These words could be hyphenated to show they are being used as a single concept (day-dreaming).

*Bullet*so they’ll be some cocktail party stuff, too.”
I think 'they'll' should be 'there'll'.

Overall

I am enjoying this immensely. The writing is very good, the flow of narrative and dialogue is realistic and the characters are well rounded and likeable. The story line so far has been intriguing, especially as we begin to learn more about Evie's abilities. I am impressed by this story and can't wait to read more!

Happy Writing!

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Review of Hard Road  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, T.L. Finch!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This set of lyrics is a really great reflection of a truckers life. My dad was a truck driver all my life, and he always told me, 'A truckers life is the highway, the white line never talks back.' As a child I always just thought it was a great joke, but as an adult I can see he really meant it. He was never at home at 'home', never comfortable until he was in his rig.

This song reflects what a truck driver leaves behind, but in a lot of cases, I think they become so used to the type of freedom it grants them that they can't function anywhere else, or perhaps, just don't want to. It also grants a bit of insight to the type of life a lot of the long haul drivers lead, far from anything much besides the radio, his rig, and the highway.

The flow is right on, the rhyme pattern works well and the wording seems very natural. The chorus is very catchy, in fact I can still recall the words without even trying, so I would say that's a very good thing. The tempo of the piece gives a good indication of what the music behind it would be. Also, the sentence structure was smooth and easy to follow, and produced their own beat according to that structure.

I can't say I know a lot about the technical aspects of song writing, but from a reader/listener's perspective I think you have covered all the bases quite well. I would definitely listen if I heard it on the radio. *Smile*

The word choices in this piece are suggestive of a truck driver and I can say, as a truckers kid, I really appreciated and enjoyed the consistency.

Suggestions

I didn't notice any errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, a well written and enjoyable piece. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of Mistaken  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hiya! *Smile*

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I have to admit, this definitely went a whole different direction than what I had in mind when I was reading. Awesome. *Smile* With the amount I read most days, I don't often come across a piece which can suprise me like this one did!

The structure of the story line was consistent. The sequence of events flowed well. I wondered why he would be telling a pharmacy clerk about something that happened in his childhood, at first, but I sure found out why!

The narrative tone really set the mood for the piece well. I was so wrapped up in what would happen if he didn't get proper treatment that I failed to think ahead, which is probably exactly what you intended -- it worked like a charm. Even now, I find myself shaking my head as I recognize the hidden hints. If only I would have paid attention to them.*Wink*

The opening paragraph did its job very well and pulled me into the story, intriguing me right from the start. Loved the ending paragraph as well, it left me with a creepy kind of feeling, just as a great horror should.

The descriptions were very well worded, and flowed easily. I found myself with a clear visual throughout, and have to say, I admire the way in which you worded them without the need for extra metaphors and adverbs. I was especially impressed with the process of the transformation. It was cleverly worded to make something unbelievable seem realitic to me as a reader.

The dialogue between the main character and the store clerk was believable. There was a very natural and realistic flow. The speech of the clerk gave the impression of a younger person, and was unique to his character. Which, I think, made the attack even more horrific when it came.

There was a definite tug on the emotions as the story unfolded. I found myself feeling his fear as he laid in bed, unable to move, and then as his story unfolded to the clerk, I was horrified at how his whole ordeal could have even been possible, thinking to myself, 'poor kid!'. Man, you really got me there.

I found the sentence structure varied nicely, changing in length at the moments of suspense to add to the intensity of the emotions. All in all, very well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...at his horrified refection.
Just a typo in 'reflection'.

Overall

An intriguing story with a horrific twist, made real through the quality of the writing. *Smile* A piece I won't soon forget, that I can promise! *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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339
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Dreamin1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I clicked on this piece, just to see what it was like as I was roving your port and within the first stanza I knew I had to review it. *Smile*

Poetry is such an open form of expression that I find it rare to come across a piece such as this, where the story unfolds much like a story. I was swept into this piece, as I said before, from the first stanza. The use of longer lines really appeals to me as a reader, and in my opinion, allows for the author to really weave expression and emotion into the content.

The story line flows really well in this piece and the progression from stanza to stanza was smooth. Not only that, but story was told from beginning to end without jumping around for dramatic effect. There is some use of ambiguous phrasing, which adds some mystery, perhaps even a bit of romantasized fantasy, and it was really an asset to the content. The emotion infused in this piece was evident and powerful, and I found myself very thoughtful, even reflective, after I finished reading.

As I always do, I read this piece aloud and found it to flow very close to effortlessly throughout. The use of comma's in the sentences allowed for a constant rhythm. The rhyme sequence, as well as the choice of wording sounded natural.

I really like the subject of this piece. It's such a heartbreaking thing to be torn apart by lies, especially when you find later in life that the love didn't fade. I really think you did an exceptional job with this piece. The flow of the story, the reactions and consequences, and the pain suffered throughout came through strongly, realistically and in a believable fashion. Very well done!

Suggestions

*Bullet*... by his closest freind.
Just a typo on 'friend'.

*Bullet*Not space nor time had changed them much. both of them were rare
The period in this sentence should be a comma or a semicolon. I'm guessing it's a typo.

*Bullet*She'd fought it, but then realized her love had not grown cold
Consider using a comma after 'realized'. When I was reading out loud I naturally paused there.

*Bullet*Using some tissue she wiped the tears not on hold.
This sentence sounded off to me in cadence with the stanza it was in. I think lengthening it just slightly would give it a smoother flow. What came to me was, 'Using some tissue she wiped the tears she could no longer hold'. I'm not a poet, by any means, but it's something to consider. *Smile*

All in all, a wonderful read. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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340
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Bethany! You were kind enough to review my work and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

The narrative of this piece does a nice job of setting the tone right away. The first sentence acted as a good hook to pull the reader into the story. I like how you began this with an action sequence, it gets the reader involved in the story quickly and without needing to give a lot of actual information.

The narrative also offers a bit of information in a round about way about Evie. It introduces the idea she can hear others thoughts, and that hearing this girl from so far away is a strange occurance. This fact also gives the reader the impression there is something these two girls have in common they don't know about yet. A nice way to build the plot line.

The character development of Evie is done well through her own thoughts, her reactions to the situation, as well as the dialogue. She comes off as strong, independent, as well as short tempered and a bit self involved. However, the last part is tempered by her strange sense of protectiveness for Chloe. Definitely a well rounded personality set so far.

The dialogue between the two girls is realistic and believable and flows well. Chloe seems a bit immature by her way of speech, but what senators daughter wouldn't' be? *Wink* I think you have developed her character in a believable way so far.

The plot line is moving well so far, I think. From this chapter I got the impression that the guy who attacked Chloe will make a reappearance, and will probably be a part of the main story line. It is enough to intrigue the reader into reading on, but not so much as to make them think it will move along too quickly. I think most readers enjoy a bit of suspenseful build up.

The structure of the sentences and paragraphs is fairly smooth for the most part. There is a variety of sentence lengths which is always a good thing to assist in mood and tone changes without additional superfluous sentences and the transitions from paragraph to paragraph flowed well.

The title seems to fit fairly well, assuming Evie comes to act like a martyr later on, or something along those lines. Her character is fairly close already, seeing as she did risk herself to help someone she didn't even know. *Wink*


Suggestions

*Bullet*His plan had been to drag me inside...
Consider replacing 'had been' to 'was'. It will keep it in past tense while providing a smoother flow.

*Bullet*I ignored the blood that instantly gushed from his nose and ran to the girl on the ground.
Rather than using an adverb to strengthen the verb, 'instantly gushed' consider trying a more active verb, 'gushing'. The fact there is a gush of right away is already obvious because she notices it as she enters.

*Bullet* Now it was my turn to keep form passing out.
There is a typo on 'from'.

*Bullet*...we need to make sure you didn’t have any damage.”
The speaker of this sentence is a nurse and I don't think it reflects the way a nurse would state something like this. Consider something like, 'we need to make sure there are no lasting effects'.

*Bullet*Anymore questions?”
Any more should be two words.

*Bullet* The girl in the chair set up,...
The word 'set' should be 'sat'.

*Bullet*“Can I ask you something” She asked quietly.
Missing punctuation before the end quotation marks.

*Bullet* I’m sorry you don’t care about any of this.”
I think you should seperate the 'I'm sorry'. Perhaps use a comma or period. The reason I say this is because it sounds as though the girl is sorry that Evie doesn't believe her, rather than apologizing because she doesn't care and shouldn't be bothering her. Does that make sense?

*Bullet* prideful
Consider using 'proud' instead.

*Bullet*There are a few times when there are thoughts which aren't in italics. This may be confusing for the reader.

*Bullet*An image flashed in her head and me from replying.
This sentence doesn't really make sense to me. I'm thinking you mean Evie got the image from the girl as she had it, but I'm not too sure. Consider rewording to reduce confusion.

Overall

All in all, a strong start! Keep Writing!


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341
Review of Riley's Lullaby  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya again, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is one sweet lullaby! I could imagine the tune as I was reading, definitely a nice soft song, perfect for closing little eyes. The images of butterflies and castles in the sky are very sweet, and I'm sure would help inspire peaceful dreams. *Smile*

Though it is simple in form, I really felt emotion from it as I read through. To be honest, it reminds me a lot of the little diddy my own mother sang to me when I was young. *Smile* Definitely the kind of piece that tugs at the heart strings, for sure.

The theme of this piece stays constant through the stanza's, and the reuse of the idea of dreams and sleep in consistent, landing at the end of every other stanza. I don't know if you planned it that way, but it works out well.

I didn't notice any specific rhyming sequence and I think it works quite well that way, especially as this would most likely be sung in soft, flowing sentences.

I think you have done a simply lovely job of creating a piece of music that most every child would enjoy and be lulled by. I also like how it repeats the following lines:

I will always be by your side
You will always be in my heart.
Go to sleep
My baby girl

It is important for our children to know how we feel about them, and saying it over and over like this creates a method for them to always remember just how much!

Suggestions

The only suggestion I have is on the following section:

Of kings and queens
And their castles
In the sky.

When I was reading it out loud, the last line on this part felt too short and seemed to stagger the flow just slightly. Of course this is taking into acount the tune I gave to it, which might be very different from your own. *Smile*

All in all, a beautiful piece. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review of The World Goes On  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


First of all, I have to say - kudos to you for being able to tell a story in under 300 words. I have often looked at the flash fiction challenge, tried a few times, but never managed to build anything resembling a story in that amount of words. *Smile*

In spite of the strict word limit, I think you have managed to give the reader a clear accounting of the situation. There is limited character development, but again that is due to the word count limit.

The story progresses well. It gives a clear understanding of the tragedy she has suffered, as well as her emotional state. Kelly is loathe to truly accept her loss, and by way of that, refuses to acknowledge the will. This shows how much she loved Brian, which in turn allows the reader to feel the emotion behind her actions. I really enjoyed the last line. It showed the reader that she will be ok, that she is learning to deal with her loss. It allows for a sense of closure for the story.

The sentence structure was really good. You used varying length of sentences which I think really enhanced the emotional aspect of this piece. Shorter sentences tend to have a heavier impact, while longer, flowing sentences gives a sense of calmness. The sentence where she describes Brian is flowing, showing the reader she is thinking of him fondly without the need for extra adverbs. Nice.

The first sentence does a nice job of setting the mood for the piece. Her hands shaking as she holds the letter indicates she is upset, and allowed me to begin the read with a sense of an emotional upheaval. Very good on that!

I really liked the title. It really stands out and the first think that came to mind when I saw it was a sense of loss, of having to go on when one doesn't want to. It is actually what caught my attention to read the story. *Smile* It fits the content perfectly.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Kelly it’s John.
There should be a comma after 'Kelly'.

*Bullet*...frustration as he replied “No Kelly.
There should be a comma after 'replied' and again after 'No'.

*Bullet*The only other suggestion I have is just something that may help in the future when writing these very short pieces. I noticed a couple of sentences that could be shortened by taking out the word 'had'. Even when writing in past tense, it is not always necessary. For example,
You wrote: Her life had stopped while the world continued as if nothing had happened. (Word count: 13)
My suggestion: Her life stopped, while the world continued as though nothing happened. (Word count: 11)
There's no difference in meaning, but the word count is reduced. (e:smile) Sometimes this can really help when your word count is off, so you don't end up having to strike active words.

All in all, I think you did a very nice job with this piece. You used all the prompt words wel without making them seem out of place at all. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
343
343
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile*Hiya, Claire! I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

This is a really cute story. I was a little suprsied when the cat started talking, but oh man, did he have a personality or what! I think many of us who have pets wonder if they can understand us, and what they would say if they could. This was definitely a comical version of that. *Smile*

The progression of the story is good. So funny when she drops her head down in submission of his talent, or perhaps curse in her eyes. The narrative flows well, and oulls the reader along nicely.

I noticecd there are some errors in punctuation, etc. which I have included below in the 'Suggestions' section, and I think once you have those fixed, this story will be an extremely entertaining read.

I like your style of writing, it is full of life, I could really feel her absolute disbelief and confusion when he flew at her. So funny!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...straight past Jingles eyes...
Jingles should be Jingles' due to the nature of this sentence.

*Bullet*Her cold podgy fingers clasped a...
The word 'podfy' should be 'pudgy'.

*Bullet*“Oh come now jingles,
Need a comma after 'Oh', as well, the name should be capitalized.

*Bullet*she spoke impatiently “Now Jingles…stop...
Need a comma after 'impatiently'.

*Bullet*...wushu is a full contact sport!
Just need a quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*“Knock knock Janice...
Just need comma's between the 'Knock, knock, Janice'.

*Bullet*...conversation we need to have”
Just need punctuation before the quotation mark.

*Bullet* so you may call me King! He continued
The word 'so' should be capitalized, as well, need quotation mark at the end before 'He' and a comma after 'continued'.

*Bullet*"er… I bought a cat from...
First word should be capitalized.

*Bullet*“Mr Parsons? Its Janice palmer I’m cancelling today’s appointment” she said dazedly.
Her last name should be capitalized and followed by a comma or a period. Also need a comma after 'appointment' before the quotation mark.

Overall

An entertaining version of what could happen if our animals could talk to us!

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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344
344
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This chapter moves things along nicely, I think. I have been reading along through the chapters and I have to say I think it's a really great idea to introduce the seperate players the way you are. It gives the reader some insight to their personalities, as well as allows the reader to be familiar with them before their all in a group, or a scene of fast paced action. It will reduce confusion later on. Nice.

The last line of this chapter keeps teasing my mind. I'm sure it will play a part later on in the book, especially because it states that Gunter is a loyal dog. It seems to me he won't much appreciate that. *Smile* The description of him was well done and gave me a clear picture in my mind. You also gave an inclination towards his personality, stating he was on the run but innocent Nice touch, it will allow sympathy from the reader later on.

The plot line seems to be moving smoothly and the sentence structure is easy to follow. I didn't notice stumbling at all, just a good smooth read. Oh, I also wanted to mention that I really like the way you describe movement and actions from the characters. It is realistic and believable.

Suggestions

*Bullet*... pulled up to the cure,
Just a typo on the word 'curb'.

*Bullet*...as Herr Stiehl. “I assumed it would...
There is an out of place quotation mark in the middle of the sentences. It is not needed.

Another great chapter! Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
345
345
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece acts as a very nice beginning hook. It introduces us to the main character and gives a bit of an indication of her personality through the narrative, how she evades her boss' call, as well as her reaction to the mist. It seems as though she has inner strength from how she reacts, I think I may have done more than whisper. *Smile*

You have also introduced that she is sick with something. Now I'm assuming from the reference to prescription medication that this could cause her problems through the story, which will make for some great obstacles.

The sentence structure and choice of wording was really good. I didn't notice any fluctuations in the flow, it was smooth and easy to follow. I don't feel there was adequate story line yet for me to comment on the plot line, and the character development ws really good for the amount we see her.

I liked the tone of the narrative, it was well written and inviting.

I look forward to reading more. *Smile*


Suggestions

*Bullet*“Damn it. Where was it?
I'm not sure what the quotation mark is, whether this line is said out loud, or in her thoughts, but I am sure what comes after is narrative, so you might want to take it out, or add one onto the end.

*Bullet*... the doctor had prescribed from her.
I think this should be 'for her'.

*Bullet*... this latest attack had happend.
Spelling error on 'happened'. Just missing an 'e' before the 'd'.

*Bullet*She was so deep in thought that it she didn’t notice...
THere is an extra 'it' after 'that'.

*Bullet*...voice wispered "This...
The word 'wispered' should be 'whispered', as well there should be a comma after 'whispered' to lead into the sentence of dialogue.

A great start! Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
~AJ Lyle~



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
346
346
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I wanted to start by letting you know I have done my homework and have read the chapters which lead up to this one. I felt it was important to do this in order to offer you a fair review, knowing what the average reader will know by this point.*Smile*

This chapter has definitely added to the tone of the novel. The plot line is moving along nicely with active scenes and descriptions. With the addition of Monday's Team will come action and suspense, and the build up towards that has been very effective.

There was a nice amount of character development in this chapter, as well. I found a gaining of respect for Daria. She is smart, which has been apparent for a while, but I get the feeling there is more to her than that. In this chapter we also see her stubborn side come out just a bit near the end. I find her to be a lively dialogue partner for Monday, as well, and the concise nature of the writing makes extra narrative around the dialogue unnecessary. Very nice.

Monday's character comes off as strong and in charge, but I have a feeling it will not get him very far with her. It is nice to see, however, she will have someone to watch her back as I am sure she will get them into some trouble along the way. His attitude towards her came out in this chapter with how much information he gave regarding his Team, as well as his tendency to change tone of speech when speaking to her.

They, as a couple, are very cute together. The chemistry is evident in the way they speak, as well as act. Nicely done.

I feel obligated to mention how well the plot line has developed since the prologue. There has been a lot of information and I find the confidence with which you write helps to explain some of the words and situations I do not fully understand, mostly due to the fact I wasn't a great history student. *Blush* The explanations have been wonderful, especially considering they do not interrupt the flow of the story.

Suggestions

I found only one thing to make a suggestion on in the area of grammar, punctuation and typo's.

*Bullet*“We have witnessed to the disinterment of your grandmother...
I believe the word 'witnessed' should be 'witnesses'.

All in all, I found this chapter to be a thoroughly enjoyable read, and am ready to continue on and see what happens next. *Smile* Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this piece posted on "Please Review"  and thought I would stop in for a read. *Smile*

The narrative tone is consistent and flows naturally. The sentence structure flows smoothly for the most part, and I found the voice to be concise and orderly, much like the character seems to be so far. There are a lot of details in this piece, especially considering the length, and I feel they were intersperced nicely and did not interrupt the flow.

The description of the room is very well done. The narrative flows nicely, the wording used is active and engaging, and I had no problem creating a visual of the area in my head. You added a few extra points in there as well, which begin to indicate the personality of the character. I often find description boring, but I read through this one with ease and interest.

The character development was good. There wasn't a whole lot of development in this part, but seeing as it is only the beginning, I feel it was definitely adequate. Using too much in the beginning would have been distracting for the reader, so in my opinion, it was well done.

The beginning paragraph did a good job of grabbing my attention and pulling me on to read more, just as it should do.

The last line worked well as a hook, urging the reader to continue on. *Smile*

I don't feel I can really comment on the plot line as of yet, because there has only really been hinting done so far. I am sure this will develop in the next sections.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*He mused to himself as he reached with his free hand to take an almost empty glass of bourbon he had poured just moments earlier. Just moments earlier however he had been having a fairly good day, which - as fate often dictated - didn't last long.

I stumbled over this section. It seems a little over complicated to me. I don't know if all this information is really necessary, but if it is, perhaps rewording it slightly or using some punctuation would help. As well, it doesn't indicate what he is musing about. When you said 'mused' I assumed it was a completed action, rather than something coming up. Here, I'm even confusing myself, so I will provide an example.
~He gathered his thoughts as he reached for the now empty glass of bourbon, the same glass he had filled only moments before. At the time, he had been having a fairly good day, which - as fate often dictated - didn't last long. This is only an example, but I believe it shows what I was talking about.

*Bullet*...and strode a few pases toward the window.
The word 'pases' should be 'paces'.

*Bullet*...he squinted his face to reduce the glare.
The word squinted indicates which body part is doing the action without needing to add 'his face'.

*Bullet*...shirt undone at top two buttons.
Add the word 'the' after 'at' to increase flow.

*Bullet*...increasingly busy hussle and bussle of the rest of the complex.
I had to verify with a dictionary because I wasn't quite sure, but I found this should be 'hustle and bustle'.

In Conclusion

All in all, a strong beginning scene. I look forward to reading more. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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348
348
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month, so I thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

Wow, this story was incredibly moving. The narrative voice was calm and clear, but with the underlying emotion of Paul's heavy heart. Very nicely done. I found I was seperate from what was happening, but I could feel how hard it was for Paul to stay back and allow Rebecca to choose her own life.

The character development was well done. I found I got to know Paul simply through his easy nature, the way he didn't react when many hot headed people would have. I had respect for him for his patience and willingness to help Rebecca, even when it was painful for him.

I think you did a very good job describing Rebecca's personality, showing how beaten down she was. Abuse is a very real thing for many, and I believe you represented the frame of mind of an abused person with realism. I liked how she began to change slowly, it is a long hard journey when one comes out of a bad situation and I think you represented that in a believable manner.

This piece had a big impact on me because I have been on the recieving end of this kind of behaviour. It was when I was younger, but I can remember how my mom acted and it was almost identical to Rebecca.

The flow of the plot line was smooth. It moved along nicely through the years, without feeling rushed in anyway. Well done.

The title suits the content well.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*... a colorful array of flowers around the house was in full bloom.
The word 'was' should be 'were' because the flowers are plural.

*Bullet*He shook himself to reality, reminded himself that she was just another assignment, and walked into the open garage.
Minor suggestion here, but using 'reminding' would make this sentence a bit more active.

*Bullet*He noticed a picture on the wall of her and her husband taken at some studio that is paid to make every family look like a happy one.
Take out 'that is' and replace it with a comma. I think it would provide a smoother flow.

*Bullet* Paul returned to the woman clearly shaken and sitting on her bed.
A comma after 'woman' would improve flow.

Overall

A powerful, emotional piece. Very well written and a joy to read.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
349
349
Review of The world  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! You were kind enough to review my work and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

Strengths

A thought provoking piece. Though it is mostly questions, it flows very well. There are so many things in the world which simply are and many people do not take the time to wonder why they are the way they are, simply accept it because it has always been that way. I like that you have chosen to ask these questions, it shows you have a philosophical mind. *Smile*

I enjoyed the last part, it sums the piece up well and shows the author's point of view nicely. The last line is my favorite. Even though the answers are not apparent, it is always worth trying to understand on some level.

The word choices were good, I didn't find any that I would change. *Smile*

Suggestions

One thing I noticed was that there was a tendency to ask the same question a few times, though worded differently each time. 'Who created this world?'. I think this was perhaps a purposeful thing to create a constant reminder throughout, but I found it a tad bit repetitive. However, seeing as this is my only suggestion, it goes to show how much I liked it!

Overall

A nicely written reflection on the various 'why's' of the world. I believe it will inspire your readers to reflect, and perhaps seek their own answers.

Happy Writing!

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*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" 

*ButterflyB*Check out this awesome auction!"Invalid Item" 

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
350
350
Review of My entry  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

The narrative voice was strong and consistent, leading the reader through the piece with ease. You did a very nice job of explaining Jack's childhood and why the old house was so important to him. The character of Jack was well developed, with several indications of his personality. It's so sweet how he dreamt of Mrs. Henderson's peanut butter cookies when he was on a tour of duty. It was a good indication of what kind a man he was.

The story line flowed well from beginning to end. There were enough details throughout for me to follow the transition of time and the narrative voice was exactly how I would imagine him to be. I think sometimes the narrative voice is one of the most important things when determining how a reader will react to the message within.

A wonderful ending. It wrapped the piece up nicely and left no strings dangling to interfere with the sense of completion.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*...and the only one it‘s size in the entire town.
The word 'it's' should be 'its'.

*Bullet*...where he knew Jacks would not.
'Jacks' should have an apostrophe.

*Bullet*On Sunday afternoon late following his tour of the old house,...
I stumbled on this sentence a little. I wonder if rewording the first part would help, or perhaps some punctuation.

*Bullet* Careful not to touch to much or disturb...
The second 'to' should be 'too'.

*Bullet*Oh what fun it would have been.
I think a comma after 'Oh' would be appropriate for this sentence.

*Bullet*...was as well built as the any new one.
The word 'the' is an extra in this sentence.

*Bullet* Inside the door, he encounter a stair...
The word 'encounter' should be 'encountered'.

*Bullet*...placed against the slopping ceiling and walls.
The word 'slopping' should be 'sloping'.

*Bullet* There were no hanging cobwebs he’d envisioned as a child.
I feel like the flow on this sentence is off. Perhaps try something like this, 'There were none of the hanging cobwebs he'd envisioned as a child.'

*Bullet* No ghosts in long white robs.
Just a typo on 'robes'.


Overall

All in all, an inspiring and emotional piece. Happy Writing!

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IN & OUT
Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS  (E)
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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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