\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/joycampbell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11
Review Requests: OFF
2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
Previous ... 7 8 9 10 -11- 12 13 14 15 16 ... Next
251
251
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece worked very well with the content. It reflected the view point of Tom well as he experienced various situations. The POV was first person and I found it very effective. The thoughts and narrative flowed smoothly, making it easy for me to become involved in Tom and his life. Well done.

The story progressed smoothly from beginning to end. There were a lot of years covered in this piece, and I think the addition of some scenes of dialogue really helped to 'show' the reader the important times in his life which the story encompassed.

The dialogue between the characters flowed in a natural rhythm. It showed the personality of Tom well in the way he reacted to people, and the way they reacted to him. Doug showed himself as a true friend in every way.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*A couple hours later my wife came back to our apartment and apologized and related all the details to me.
Consider taking out the first 'and' and using a comma instead. I think it would smooth the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*"Welp, I ain't gonna try to stop you,...
I think the word 'Welp' should be 'Well'.

Overall

I really enjoyed this story. It contains a great message for those who struggle will these kinds of situations in their life. I love that it ended with his friend Doug saving him from making a potentially massive mistake. Well done.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.

*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!!"WDC Power Reviewers Holiday AuctionOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyB*Try out your luck at this raffle!"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
252
252
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya Dark_warrior Author Icon!

I found this piece on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.. Thank you for posting! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

This is a heartfelt poem which reflects your love and commitment to the one you love. Poetry is such a great way to express emotions because it allows the writer to let the thoughts flow naturally.

I noticed that you used punctuation through, and I think it improved the flow of the read by showing the reader where the necessary pauses should be. I also noticed that you started each line with a capital letter. This may be your prefered style, and if it is that's great. I just wanted to suggest that because this poem flows like speech you may find it comes across easier if only the opening of each sentence is capitalized.

In the first line it says, 'had I not meet you'. I think 'meet' should be 'met' and the comma after 'concept' is not needed. Also, consider using a period to show the end of each sentence as you did for one other one in the poem. For example,

Had I not seen you, had I not met you,
I would never understand the concept
Of love.

One last suggestion. Consider the use of a metaphor or two to enhance the sensory aspect of this poem for the reader. It is clear you love this person immensely, so the emotional impact is definitely there, but I felt like it would have added another level of reaction from me if there was a bit of imagery used as well. Consider the following lines: I would never feel peace,
Never feel content. Think about what the peace feels like, is it like the calm surface of the ocean, or the drifting of clouds in the sky? It could be anything that makes you feel content. Try comparing that peace to the peace you feel when you're with him. Adding something like this can 'show' the reader the feeling through the use of something that is identifiable for the reader to relate to.

All in all, I enjoyed this poem. Like I said before, it was clear through the piece that you are completely in love, and feel very safe and content with the one you are with. I am a sucker for romance and the 'happily ever after', especially when it is heartfelt and emotional. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyB*Check out this amazing Auction! "WDC Power Reviewers Holiday AuctionOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyB*Try your luck at this raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
253
253
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya Oscar Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece comes across as someone telling a story. It is consistent in its objectivity. If this was the effect that you were going for, then well done! I just have one suggestion as far as that goes. I personally think that this would be a very good basis for a full blown story where the reader is pulled into the action of the fateful crush. Consider using the perspective of John and creating the tale from his point of view as it is happening. I could just imagine how intense it could be if I felt as though it was happening at the time. You could start with an objective narrator and then fade into the story. Just a thought. *Smile*

I have never heard this legend before, and I'm not suprised considering the location. It is very intriguing.

Suggestions

*Bullet* He was a very weird guy; everyone who knew him thought he was very weird and even bizarre.
Consider eliminating the second use of 'very weird'. It feels repetitive and isn't needed twice so close together.

*Bullet*He had a strange fanatic touch that left everyone frightened.
There should be a comma after 'strange'. Also, consider embellishing on this point a bit. Why did his touch leave people frightened?

*Bullet*The boy always heard questions, he listened but he didn’t answer, the boy analyzed them, and resolved them, but he didn’t speak, perhaps he got lost in his memory or perhaps his words were lost in the past.
This sentence runs on a bit. Consider breaking it up into a few sentences to increase the flow of the read.

There are a few places in this that are a bit rough in structure. Try reading it to yourself out loud. It can often help to find the areas which don't flow quite right.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I believe this piece has a lot of potential. The basis of the urban legend is very interesting, and I think that if you were to examine it a bit more in-depth so the reader could 'feel' what the characters feel, and experience the legend as it is being created through John's actions, it would make a big impact. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction! "WDC Power Reviewers Holiday AuctionOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyV*Check out this fun raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
254
254
Review of Mirrored  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya Andrew Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very moving piece. I found the way the truth was revealed, a bit at a time through the mirrors, was very effective and emotional. It allowed me to see what was happening just a second before the main character had his realization. Very nice.

The narrative tone was steady through the entire piece. I liked the small hints about Mara's strange behaviour. It showed me that something wasn't quite right without being specific. I think it enhanced the suspense of the the build up very well.

There was no need for exposition in this piece, really. Small but important details, such as her pregnancy and the accident, were laced through his flashes of realization as the truth came to him with the aid of Mara's ghost. Well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet* “Come on honey.”
This was in the second last paragraph. I'm sure the comma was simply over looked due to the fact that the other use of this sentence was properly punctuated.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this story. It was well written, compelling, and emotional. I liked how you 'showed' the events transpire through flashes of realization, it created an active read.

Happy Writing!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction! "WDC Power Reviewers Holiday AuctionOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyV*Check out this fun raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
255
255
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya ShiShad Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is a very nicely written, informative article about self publishing. I enjoyed reading this and learning about how easy it is to publish through lulu.com. Minus all the work the author does, of course, but I agree with you on that. I think performing your own formatting, and choosing your own options definitely adds the personal touch that is sure to appeal to readers.

I think this article is a really great tool for those that are considering publishing their own work. It shows why lulu.com works, how it works, and provides the encouragement for authors who may be apprehensive about the experience. Well done!

Suggestions

Absolutely no suggestions. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I loved this article. Anyone who is considering publishing their own work through a printing company should definitely check this one out! *Smile* I would be more than happy to recommend reading this piece.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction! "WDC Power Reviewers Holiday AuctionOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyV*Check out this fun raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
256
256
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya Winnie!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

Ah, this is such a great memory! Your use of metaphors through this heightened your personal voice very well. I could easily hear you as I read, and I found myself sympathetic to your emotions as you went to answer the door. This is a great showing of how something good can come out of such a simple thing as answering the door when you don't really feel like it. Strange, isn't it, how stereotypical thoughts about someone can turn out to be completely opposite of what they are really like.

The structure of this piece was great. I followed the story easily as I read through. The ending was heartfelt and left me feeling happy inside. Great work. *Smile*


Suggestions

Just one tiny thing... I think 'Tiger' should be 'Tigger'.

*Bullet*Winnie-the-Pooh and Tiger t-shirt

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

A wonderful read to start off my day. Thank you for sharing this memory with me. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyB*Check out this amazing Auction! "WDC Power Reviewers Holiday AuctionOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyB*Try your luck at this raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
257
257
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This is a powerful piece. The sin of suicide caused this woman to be forever denied those she loved and lost so early in her life. Such a bitter thing, really, that one mistake could cause such a thing.

The narrative tone of this piece suited the content well. It was soft, slow, and sorrowful. It set the mood, as well as the pace for this story as it unfolded. I think her slow progression up the steps of the house fit in with the exposition nicely. Each step took on a meaning, another phase of her life. Very nice.

The emotion was strong and effective in this story. It was laced through the narrative a bit at a time, allowing the reader to get to know Tess as a person. I could feel the love she had for her husband and son, and how their deaths must have torn her apart inside. She lived a lonely, painful life, wishing for nothing more than to be reunited with those she lost, and in the end she was weak of spirit and gave in to the pain. A tragedy, for sure.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Tess had taken in sewing, washing. anything just to make ends meet.
The period after 'washing' should be a comma.

*Bullet*...contacted pneumonia in the spring...
I think 'contacted' should be 'contracted'.

*Bullet*Truth be told Tess preferred to keep it that way.
I think a comma after 'told' would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet*...keeping silent on this her night of wandering.
I think a comma after 'this' would cause this sentence to be a bit more dramatic.

*Bullet*Cutting of her life's breathe.
The word 'breathe' should be 'breath'.

Overall

This piece was well written, intense, vivid, and emotional. I felt very sad for Tess at the end, wishing that somehow it could have turned out right for her, and yet knowing that there is no magic answer. Very well done.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Looking for reviews? Request a review here!
Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS Open in new Window. (E)
Request a review for items 10kbs and under! ~ON HIATUS!
#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun Author IconMail Icon


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!!"WDC Power Reviewers Holiday AuctionOpen in new Window.

*ButterflyB*Try out your luck at this raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
258
258
Review of Night-dreaming  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hiya, Oscar Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is an interesting piece. It is meant to be obscure, alike to the mind of someone not quite within the realm of the sane, and yet not completely crazy either, I think. A sense of foggy misinterpretation surrounds the narrative of this, like the character is seeing everything through a veil without completely understanding, or maybe, not wanting to understand.

I enjoyed the soft, lulling rhythm of the structure. It was quite effective in establishing the mind set of the main character, and showing how everything he saw and experienced was a bit distorted. The past of this character was an obvious cause of this, at least to me.

I think you could increase the effectiveness of this piece by showing the visions a bit more clearly. I think the descriptions are vague for the reason of showing the state of mind, but I believe that is established well enough with the internal thoughts and the story itself as it progresses. I think giving the reader a detailed, vivid experience would go a long way in enhancing the imagery in this. The first paragraph intrigued me, but I couldn't 'see' what the character saw, I could only read the character's interpretation of it. Try to be more specific in the details, and see if it enhances it for you.

Consider reading this to yourself out loud. Feel the flow of the words, and see if the meaning you are going for is coming through. There were places where I could see what you were trying to get at but the sentence structure interfered with the message. I have included a few examples of this below, as well as some suggestions for wording, etc.

I think the basis you have going here is really great. I can see how compelling this piece will be with some editing and tweaking. It will be a really great read, I'm sure. *Smile*

Suggestions

*Bullet*...everything gets obscure and a stroke...
Consider 'everything becomes obscure'.

*Bullet*I walk through the place, pass through some stairs, and then realize them.
I am confused by this sentence. What is 'them'? What is realized?

*Bullet*but…the very only action I perceive with incredible accuracy...
The word 'very' is extra in this sentence. Also, consider surrounding 'with incredible accuracy' with commas to show that it is non-essential.

*Bullet*...reflecting against the gold bright cufflinks which belong to a...
The flow is off around 'gold bright cufflinks'. Consider 'bright, gold cufflinks'. A comma should seperate them because they are coordinate adjectives.

*Bullet*I know my mind is not possibly that strong to summon it all.
Consider 'strong enough' rather than 'that strong'.

*Bullet*As long as I know, this constant dream is more than a series of images, sounds and emotions which my mind experiences during the infinite nights; it is more of an unforgettable consternation which provokes me the ceasing to be sane.
There doesn't need to be a comma after 'know', it disrupts the flow of the sentence and reduces the ability to understand it. Also, I think the end is saying that it drives you crazy, but the way it is stated is hard to understand. Consider, 'an unforgettable consternation which provokes within me the inability to retain sanity.

*Bullet*I was forced to take off my fear for night and darkness.
The phrasing 'take off my fear' feels awkward to me. Consider 'ignore my fear' or a synonym with a similar meaning.

*Bullet*I then found myself driving through an imperturbable road;
I can't say I understand what you are saying here. First, I think it should be 'along' the road, rather than 'through', but I'm not sure about 'imperturbable' as it means calm or uneventful. At first I thought it was a metaphor for life, but then the next paragraph says you parked your car, which makes it a literal meaning. Are you meaning that there were no other people on it, or perhaps that it was boring?

*Bullet*I laid my eyes on this above dull bright...
The use of 'dull' and 'bright' side by side like this is a contradiction. I wonder if it is a typo.

*Bullet* making your skin shivered cold.
I believe this should be 'shivering cold'.

*Bullet*A rush of cold, chilling could be sensed.
Consider rephrasing slightly to make this sensation clear. For example, 'A rush of cold, chilling and eerie, could be sensed.

*Bullet* He seemed to be insinuating me to enter the frivolous attraction.
Consider 'He seemed to be insinuating that I enter...'

*Bullet*He was standing still, hardly talk, didn’t murmur or even show a gesture;
The section 'hardly talk' doesn't fit in this sentence.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I loved the basis for this piece. The narrative tone was compelling and intense, and granted the confusion of a mind that doesn't quite have a grasp on full reality, but that isn't completely insane either. With a bit of editing, this piece is going to have a huge impact on the reader.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!
WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction Open in new Window. (E)
Bidding ended. 100% paid. Fulfill your packages please.
#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon

*ButterflyV*Check out this fun raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
259
259
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

This is a cute story. The narrative tone was crisp, clear, and easy to understand as I read. I found the descriptions of the milking and washing process easy to visualize even though I haven't been around that sort of thing for over twenty years. Good work. I'm fairly sure I would be just as lost trying to figure out which cow was which, as you stated, they pretty well all look the same to me! *Bigsmile*

The only thing I would have liked was a bit of information about the relationship between you and Dave. It was obvious that he was older, or at least it seemed that way because he built you a stool, etc. but I wasn't sure if this was a job, or a chore in a family environment. I think adding that in would be helpful for the reader's understanding.

The sentence structure was really good for the most part, I just have a couple of suggestions below in that regard.

Suggestions:

The following section needs to be smoothed out just a bit. I have made a few small changes for you to consider.

*Bullet*They all looked the same to me: the heads were shaped the same, their ears were huge, eyes were deep brown, those nostrils were slightly disgusting[,] with slobber and grain sticking to them, and their tails were still beaded up with dried on manure from their days in the sale barn and the truck ride up from Crivitz, Wisconsin as few weeks ago.

*Bullet*I got to understand how to step up to a large animal and the soon even the swinging wet and slimy tails were...
The word 'the' before 'soon' is not needed. Also, consider 'wet, slimy tails'.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, this was an enjoyable read. Thank you for sharing this!

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Looking for reviews? Request a review here!
Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS Open in new Window. (E)
Request a review for items 10kbs and under! ~ON HIATUS!
#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun Author IconMail Icon


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!!"WDC Power Reviewers Holiday AuctionOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyB*Try out your luck at this raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
260
260
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, this was a really fun read! Although I have little understanding of the culture represented in this piece, you did a nice job at describing it enough for me to understand the situation.

The narrative tone in this piece was tons of fun. I found the personality of Ginny came through clearly through the use of active narrative and internal thoughts. She was sarcastic and harsh, and yet soft enough on the inside that she didn't ignore the girl completely as I'm sure many would have. She puts on a tough exterior, but when it comes right down to it, she demonstrated that she cared. Her thoughts were humorous, and though they were tinged with bitterness, it was easy to see that she wasn't nearly as hard hearted as she thought she was. A genuine, original personality. Well done. I think knowing her personality so well allows for the reader to have an emotional reaction to the story and the people in it. I know I sure felt good at the end knowing that she had helped the girl, and she did so in a way that she could justify it to herself so she wouldn't have to admit she cared.

I enjoyed the use of metaphors and similes in this piece. They were fresh and original and enhanced the visual images well.

The story flowed well from beginning to end. The first paragraph caught my attention and I found myself reading on eagerly to see what would happen. You made good use of the senses in your descriptions and I think that it really enhanced the experience for me as I read. I was able to 'see' the situation as it unfolded, and to 'hear' the conversation between the two. Very nice.

The exposition was laced through the narrative very effectively so that I hardly even noticed that I was recieving important information. I really like this, it increases the effectiveness of the story by keeping the readers attention on the action, teaching them without them even realizing it. Very nice.

Great use of the prompt!


Suggestions

*Bullet*Then the clueless hapless unwashed masses
Due to the fact that 'clueless', 'hapless', and 'unwashed' are all coordinate adjectives, there should be a comma after both 'clueless' and 'hapless'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a thoroughly enjoyable, effortless read. I found it nicely paced, interesting, and realistic. The story line flowed well, and the sentence structure was flawless. Ginny's character was a lot of fun - definitely one I will not soon forget. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!
WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction Open in new Window. (E)
Bidding ended. 100% paid. Fulfill your packages please.
#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon

*ButterflyV*Check out this fun raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
261
261
Review of Shadow Dance  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. *Bigsmile*

I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


A funny thing...when I came along the word 'abstruse' I ran to my dictionary, only to find at the end of the poem that you had done the work for me! I think it's great that you added that definition. It gives clarity for those, like me, who were stumped by it.

The form used in this isn't an easy one, and I think you did a very nice job with it. The flow was really nice as I read it out loud. I found the words flowed off my tongue with ease. To be honest, I read it out loud on my first reading, which really showed me how smooth it was that I didn't stumble even when I had no idea what was coming. The correct use of punctuation enhanced the flow for me, allowing me to see the meaning of the sentences as I read them without having to try and interpret after.

The word choices for the rhyming scheme were well done. They were effective in establishing the mood, as well as keeping the form constant. Well done. The tone in this piece felt reflective. I found myself feeling a soft sense of nostalgia almost. I think I'm going to have to take some lessons in poetry writing for the fact that I can 'feel' the mood but can't decide what area caused the sensation.

The first stanza was strong and set the pace for the rest of the piece. It intrigued me and pulled me in for the rest of the read.


Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, grammar, or spelling. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this poem. I think you made very creative use of the prompt, as well as the form.

Happy Writing!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!
WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction Open in new Window. (E)
Bidding ended. 100% paid. Fulfill your packages please.
#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon

*ButterflyV*Check out this fun raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
262
262
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, hbar Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was a blast. It was blatantly naive with a touch of stubborn insistance, and I found it truly comical. The internal thoughts were phrased well to seem natural and believable. So blind in so many ways, and with such a patient wife. Oh my, I could just imagine how hard it would have been not to laugh outright at the blind acceptance regarding how Tom had been, 'listening very attentively'. *Bigsmile*

As I said, the internal dialogue was well done. It allowed the reader to see the situation from your perspective. For the most part, the thoughts were naive and blinded by personal opinion, which of course made them all the more humorous and realistic. Likewise, the dialogue between the characters flowed naturally and felt realistic in content and delivery. I could definitely picture the scene as your wife tried desperately to be loving and patient while you made your realization.

The structure of the piece was smooth and consistent. I found the story progressed very well from beginning to end, and was effective in showing the situation in a positive and humorous light. Your refusal to accept the obvious was absolutely priceless.

This is the kind of story that I think almost everyone will relate to in some way, whether it is from your perspective or your wife's. I can see both sides and find it all the more funny because of it. My husband, on the other hand, would keep a completely straight face while claiming not to see what was so funny about it and then go on to point out how he could see that it was just a big misunderstanding.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...but he is normally a fairly reserved polite guy.
There should be a comma after 'reserved' because 'reserved' and 'polite' are coordinate adjectives.

*Bullet*...my mom had always told that.
Consider placing the word 'me' between 'told' and 'that'.

*Bullet*When the photo got to me it was a picture of Tom and me, I was talking, rather animatedly, which is unusual because I am a quiet, reserved, extremely well mannered gentleman at all times, Tom was listening very attentively.
Consider breaking this up a bit to improve the flow by using a full stop after 'Tom and me'. Also, add an 'and' before 'Tom was listening'.

*Bullet* Anyway, I said “bored, you’ve got to be kidding me?”
Just need a comma after the word 'said' and to capitalize 'bored'.

*Bullet*“Look at Tom closely John.
There should be a comma before 'John' because it is a direct address.

*Bullet* “Ah” she said, as...
Just need a comma before the ending quotation mark.

*Bullet* “No, but he should” I vehemently replied.
Just need a comma before the end quotation mark. There are a few other places like this, as well.

*Bullet*...well there one or two other reasons also but this isn’t...
Consider inserting the word 'are' after 'there'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece! A great showing of a comical event. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!
WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction Open in new Window. (E)
Bidding ended. 100% paid. Fulfill your packages please.
#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon

*ButterflyV*Check out this fun raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
263
263
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, ShiShad Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece was an amazing, emotional read. I couldn't imagine losing a son, and to be able to write a piece such as this about his son is truly inspiring to me. The ability to express your love for him in such a way really shows your inner strength, as well as a level of peace found. It is wonderful that you have a grandson in which to love and nurture, though no one could ever replace a son, I hope his presence will grant you a certain level of peace.

I commend you for your ability to express your feelings in a wholesome and inspiring way.

The flow of this piece was really nice. I didn't find any areas where I stumbled as I read out loud. The picture of at the top of the poem was a great addition, and made the content 'real' for me as a reader.

An exceptional piece! Thank you so much for sharing this with all of us. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!
WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction Open in new Window. (E)
Bidding ended. 100% paid. Fulfill your packages please.
#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon

*ButterflyV*Check out this fun raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
264
264
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews ~ Summer BreakOpen in new Window.*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The narrative tone was crisp and clear, and it reflected the personality of Tico very nicely. As the story was told from his perspective, I found it very effective in establishing the mood of the piece, as well as showing the reader what type of person he was through internal thoughts, actions, and reactions.

The story progressed well from beginning to end. I liked the opening section of memory from Tico's childhood. It was a great way to capture the interest of the reader, as well as a great demonstration of Tico's background. It allowed me to see what his relationship was with his dad, and in turn, made his epiphany at the end of the story even more powerful and realistic.

The dialogue between the characters flowed naturally and seemed believable for the situation they were in. I could imagine the cacophany of people and kids milling around and wasn't at all suprised to see Tico find a way to escape it.

I really enjoyed the moral of this story. You showed how the turkey isn't the important part of Thanksgiving, but the actual act of being thankful for one's family and friends. A very important and meaningful message, and it came through very clearly through Tico's experience. Well done.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Even before Thanksgiving dinner A.J. Couldn't set aside both...
The word 'couldn't' doesn't need to capitalized. If your word processor is anything like mine, it changed it automatically because of the period on A.J.

*Bullet*...never once feeling that same joy that I did on that last Thanksgiving dinner all those years ago.
Consider replacing one of the words 'that' with 'the' to reduce the chance of it feeling repetitious.

*Bullet*I can see the some of the similarities as well.
I think the word 'the' before 'some' is out of place in this sentence.

*Bullet* All Ellie can think about is desert,...
The word 'desert' should be 'dessert'.

Overall

This was a well written, emotional, and inspiring read. Thank you for sharing!

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

Looking for reviews? Request a review here!
Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS Open in new Window. (E)
Request a review for items 10kbs and under! ~ON HIATUS!
#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun Author IconMail Icon


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!!"WDC Power Reviewers Holiday AuctionOpen in new Window.
*ButterflyB*Try out your luck at this raffle! "Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
265
265
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, EvilDawg - Vigilante Ranger!! Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The use of an omniscient point of view in this piece was quite interesting. It is rare to find a third person omniscient that doesn't slip up and come directly from the character's point of view at some point, but I found this one was very consistent. It allowed an internal look at each character, their feelings and reactions, while maintaining an objective point of view. I enjoyed it. I feel using this POV allowed the suspense to build at a constant and believable rate because the reader understood very early on that the woman had the ability to change, or modify, the reactions and emotions of the men around her. Well done.

The descriptions in this were really well done. I found the use of similes and metaphors added a surreal quality to the description of the woman, as well as creating a very sensual atmosphere around her. It allowed the ease of which he went with her, as well as accepting the change in plans, to come across in a very realistic way.

The narrative tone was done well to set the mood of the piece. It was quite neutral, but the all-knowing edge allowed the reader to understand that something was going to happen which had nothing to do with her sensual appetite. I felt quite a build up of suspense as they were driving and worked the reader up for the coming climax. Very nice.


Suggestions

*Bullet*She took her jacket and put it on then reached into her bag and dropped a bill on the table then slung the strap over her shoulder.
This sentence feels like it goes on and on. I think it is the use of the word 'then' used twice. Consider breaking it up a bit to create a smoother flow.

*Bullet*"Yes." she opened the door and...
The word 'she' should be capitalized.

*Bullet*...the speed by which she attacked him, pulling him towards him with a strength he had never known.
The second 'him' should be 'her'.

*Bullet*...back across town and to her penthouse where she would hibernate
Consider removing the word 'and' to create a smoother flow in this sentence.


*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

A nicely written, compelling, sensual, and suspenseful read. I believe the point of view allowed this to be more in-depth than it could have been from a limited character perspective. I thoroughly enjoyed it. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!
WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction Open in new Window. (E)
Bidding ended. 100% paid. Fulfill your packages please.
#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
266
266
Review of Brick by Brick  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Yellow Rose Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The mood of this piece was established very nicely with choice of content in the first stanza. It showed understanding for the loneliness, as well as hope for the future. It was an effective inspirational boost to begin the piece on a positive note.

This poem deals with a subject which I think many readers will be able to relate in some way. Everyone in the world has problems. Issues can appear which make living life a challenge, especially on an emotional level. This piece acknowledges that, but then pushes onward by offering hope, a way to repair the 'damage' and become strong again. Very nicely done.

The flow of this piece as I read it out loud was very smooth. The words rolled off my tongue with very little effort. It was pleasing to look at, read, as well as listen to.

Suggestions

I have only one comment regarding the first two lines. The use of the word 'that' was slightly distracting.

I found no errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I found this to be inspiring, captivating, as well as emotional. I really liked how you used the visual confirmation of the 'falling bricks' at the end of the poem. It was a really nice touch. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!
WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction Open in new Window. (E)
Bidding ended. 100% paid. Fulfill your packages please.
#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
267
267
Review of Stand With Me  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya Yellow Rose Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a gorgeous piece. I found the tone to be gentle and loving. It complimented the content very nicely and allowed for a distinctive mood of gentle guidance and peace. The structure of the lines was flawless, and the word choices flowed smoothly. The rhyming sequence added a soft cadence as I read aloud which I found very pleasing to the senses.
I also loved how you added such subtle imagery to produce a beautiful image in my mind to accompany the meaning.

It is lovely to look at, inspiring to read, and sounds fluid when read out loud.

It is amazing to me how you can fit so much emotion into just a few lines. My heart felt full when I finished reading this. Extremely well done!


Suggestions

Absolutely none! *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An inspiring, emotional read. I enjoyed it immensely, thank you for sharing your gift with us. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


*ButterflyV*Check out this amazing Auction!
WDC Power Reviewers Holiday Auction Open in new Window. (E)
Bidding ended. 100% paid. Fulfill your packages please.
#1718637 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
268
268
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya ShiShad Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*




I just love true stories like this one. I found this so very miraculous and inspiring. The power of God is such an amazing thing; even when there seems to be no hope left, his angels come through. The dream which started all of this was very interesting. I have heard of this sort of thing, and my husband says he experienced such a thing when his father passed away just after the birth of our first son. My husband said his dad had been waiting for our son to be born before he left this world. I think it is such an awesome thing, though I can admit I have no desire to experience it for myself.

I have always said that everything happens for a reason, though lately I find so many instances that have started to show me perhaps not everything happens as it was meant to, and that is why God has given us guardian angels. I think it makes sense because I know for a fact there is evil in the world, and sometimes evil has its fun by tormenting us. Our guardian angels come then, in those times of need, to give us the help we so desperately require, and in so doing, strengthen our love for our Heavenly Father. I believe there is no other explanation for finding Candice in another place, just when you needed her. Amazing!

I really enjoyed the tone you used to tell this story. It was personal, emotional, and thankful. I could hear your voice plainly in the telling of this, as though we were sitting over coffee as you told me the events. I could feel the awe as Candice showed up for the second time, and knew then that she must have been very special.


Suggestions

I have just one technical suggestion. There are a few lines of dialogue which start with 'I said' or 'He said'. There should be a comma after 'said' before the dialogue begins.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an awe inspiring story, made all the more intense because it is true. Thank you so much for sharing this. It will show those out there who do not believe in miracles that there can be no doubt. Miracles do happen, guardian angels are real, and God loves us so much that he gives us these things freely. *Smile*

Happy Writing!



** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
269
269
Review of Colors of Fall  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, 🌖 HuntersMoon Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*



I really enjoy free verse. It seems somehow more personal than a structured poem and allows more room for variations of personal style. Personally, I don't write poetry very often, mainly because I find it unbelievably challenging, but I do love to read and experience it. *Smile*

This poem was a beautiful showing of appreciation and love for nature. The narrative tone was soft and peaceful, and reflected the content very nicely. The image of a fall scene with the breeze rustling through the fallen leaves ever so gently came to mind easily as I read, and suffused me with a sense of appreciation and awe.

The flow of this piece was consistent and enjoyable. When I read it out loud it possessed a rolling cadence, and I found the words flowed off my tongue with ease. It was visually appealing as well as appealing to recite and listen to.

I think the use of proper punctuation increased the ease of the read, and allowed emphasis on certain areas. The lines placed in italics were a really nice touch. It allowed them to be seen as important, as well as creating the impression that they were the revelation of an inner truth. Very well done.


Suggestions

I found no errors in grammar, punctuation, or spelling. I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An amazing free style poem. It was extremely well written with vivid imagery, emotional impact, and the inspirational content of the autumn season. I thoroughly enjoyed experiencing this piece. Thank you for sharing!

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
270
270
Review of Birthday Surprise  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Marsha Musselman Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Oh, wow! What an inspiring piece. This is the kind of story that gives you little chills as you read it because it is such a clear indication to God's existance. I have not personally had an experience like this, but my mom has told me of a few times when she believed God was talking to her.

Some of my friends insist it is intuition, or a sixth sense, and I reply, "And who gave you the ability to sense it?" It shuts them up every time. I am not what many would call religious, but I believe in God and talk to him on a daily basis. I know he is real because I could have never survived the events I have been through in my life without some divine help and intervention - that I know for a fact.

Thank you so much for sharing this experience. It has reminded me of how God works in wondrous ways, even down to helping out with the laundry. *Wink* I also feel this will inspire those who may not be believers, and dare them to see that what they classify as intuition is truly the Lord himself speaking, if only they would be willing to listen.


Suggestions

I have no suggestions for improvement. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. It was well written, spiritual, and truly inspiring.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
271
271
Review of A Punishment Due  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

This was a dark piece, for sure. I am suprised how well the character came across with such a short piece. His thoughts were precise, concentrating directly on what he did wrong and what the consequences for such an error was.

The tone in this piece was soft and determined. Through it I could sense his resolve easily. The depth of his commitment to what he was doing was evident, which also showed me that he possessed inner strength.

Due to the short length of this I didn't feel I could connect on an emotional level with him, though. I could see that he felt he was right in what he was doing, but there was no information to support it. As a reader I do not understand his commitment and determination because I don't know why he ended up killing an innocent person. I think you could easily incorporate a flash back of the event while he is thinking about how he took an innocent life. Why did he feel so undeserving? I think a flash back, or something like that, to show what happened would take this to the next level so the reader could actually feel what he is feeling and perhaps even relate to him a bit.

It is a powerful piece as it is, but it produced questions for which there is no answers. The vague information lends it a very dark feeling which I know many readers would appreciate, myself included.

The sentence structure flows well and enhances the mood of foreboding and death. I could see just from the combination of tone and mood that he would go through with it. Very well done.

As strictly a piece of flash fiction, I would say this piece has done its job well. It has provided a glimpse into the mind of the character and shown several important aspects of his personality.

Suggestions

I didn't notice any errors in grammar or punctuation. *Thumbsup*

*Star*Overall*Star*

I enjoyed this piece. It was an intense piece of flash fiction. It provided insight into Harley's character on his last day and showed how determined he was. He took an innocent life and would not allow his mistake to go unpunished, or to live on through him.

Happy Writing!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
272
272
Review of WHISPERS  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya Yellow Rose Author Icon!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, what an inspiring, beautiful poem! I am sitting here amazed, and a little bit envious*Wink*, of how you managed to infuse such a short piece with so much emotion. I found this a very nice expression of love and understanding. When I read this I got the feeling that it is like a prayer - a wish for a loved one. However, as I considered the title it took on a new meaning for me. I thought of it as whispers of blessing from God. I suppose it doesn't matter either way, and shows how it is open to interpretation, which is half the fun of poetry. *Smile*
I really enjoy pieces that can speak to people through providing stimulation of certain things, such as whispers in the lilacs, in an effective and emotional way.

The tone was soft and loving, and I found the flow emphasized that nicely. The two worked together to produce a fluent piece. I read it out loud and found it even more effective when hearing it. Very nice.

The title fits the content very nicely and adds to the meaning of the words, as well.

Suggestions

I have no suggestions. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a beautiful poem. It inspired me to think about those I love, as well as thank God that I have them in my life. A thoroughly enjoyable experience.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
273
273
Review of Red Confusion  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Kashtien James Author Icon! I found this piece on the Review Request Page. I am glad to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

This was a very intense piece of flash fiction. There is little background information, but it wasn't necessary. The information needed to understand the situation was placed through the story very nicely. I really liked how the narrative was structured; the short, one word lines as they were in the accident, and then again as he was passing out increased the intensity and made me feel like I was there seeing it from his perspective. I could believe that it would really feel like that to be in a serious accident. I think it would be happening so fast that thoughts would be disjointed and confused. Very well done.

The narrative voice was well done to reflect the character of Eli, and though we don't know a whole lot about his personality, the fact he is a surgeon, as well as very loving in his thoughts about his wife, led me to believe he would have been a good man. This helps with the emotion felt by the reader as they experience the story. Nice.

Also, I liked how the second and third sections started out the same way. Almost like it would have kept doing so until he could accept what had happened.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Cheif of Surgery,...
The word 'Cheif' should be 'Chief'.

*Bullet*He entered the adjacent patient room and crossed to the sink and above mirror.
The end of this sentence doesn't quite make sense. I think he is looking in the mirror, but I had to read on to figure that out. My suggestion is to rephrase slightly.

*Star*Overall*Star*

This was a very good read. It was intense, emotional, well structured, and nicely written. Great work!

Happy Writing!


** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.

*ButterflyB*Check out this awesome auction!"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
274
274
Review of The Hunt  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya, BIG BAD WOLF is Merry Author Icon! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

This was a good read. The narrative voice is constant and reflects the personality of Zena quite well. There was good character development, as well. The reader gets to see her life from before the present time and because of that her motivation for what she does is clear.

The structure was set out well. Though the exposition is mostly all in one section, I found it interesting and it kept me reading. Some will say it should be spaced out more, but I think it is a matter of the author's personal preference. Her history was believable and her emotional state is very realistic considering what she has been through.

I have a few suggestions, which are as follows.


Suggestions

*Bullet*...and the only way she’s get the antidote...
The word 'she's' should be 'she'd' or 'she would' to maintain the past tense.

*Bullet*...struggling to breath, and coughing up blood.
The word 'breath' should be 'breathe'.

*Bullet*In the same paragraph as the above comment it states that she tore out his heart, ate it, and then watched him die. Would he not be dead already considering she had taken out his heart? Perhaps this should be reversed?

*Bullet*For a moment Zena felt a sense of pity, pity that killing him would be too easy.
Consider using a dash here to give a more definite break.

*Bullet*He has a mixture of shock and fear on his face.
The word 'has' should be 'had' to keep the tense constant.

*Bullet*Consider reducing the amount you use the words 'had' and 'then'. The word 'had' is sometimes necessary to establish tense, but there were several places where it could be removed without damaging the sentence. Also, the word 'then' became repetitive for me as I read. One last thing, there is a section that used 'She remembered' in nearly every sentence through the paragraph. I am assuming you did that on purpose, but after about half way through the paragraph I found it felt repetitious rather than working as emphasis. Something for you to consider.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A really good read. The action sequences were easy to follow, the writing was very well structured, and the character of Zena was believable and likeable even in a state of emotional turmoil. Great work.

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.

*ButterflyB*Check out this awesome auction!"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
275
275
Review of Beltane  Open in new Window.
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~ Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Alexandra Jones Author Icon! I found this piece on the "Please ReviewOpen in new Window.. I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece, however, keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

I really enjoyed reading this piece. It definitely has the potential to be a great novel. I enjoyed the character of Kieran. Young and in love, and yet with a need to chase his own destiny. A great base to start with.

The tone in this was really nice. It was soft and flowing, granting a magical feel to it, even before the emergence of the faeries. The descriptions were nicely worded, and were heightened by the use of sensory detail. I liked how you were able to add smells and sounds without having to use the words of the specific sense itself.

You used the celebration of Beltane within good context and it felt believable. I have seen many people represent the celebration in different ways, but I found this depiction of it to be vibrant and vivid, as well as realistic within the scope of fantasy.

The relationship between Kieran and Janelle was so sweet, and I like how you indicated they were together without going into too much detail. I won't say I don't like detail in that respect, but leaving it out suited the style of the piece very nicely. It also gave their love the quality of innocence. Super sweet, that's for sure.

The personality of Kieran was revealed well through his actions toward Janelle. He was calm as she wept, though he did feel bad to leave her behind. He knew what he needed to do, and was able to console her well enough that she will wait for him, or in the very least, not hate him for going.

The structure of this was good. I found the narrative was active and kept the scenes moving along in a realistic fashion. The exposition was woven in with skill, allowing information in small bits so as not to bog the reader down, but allow enough insight to understand the events. Very well done.

Suggestions

This is something I don't say often, but I found no errors in this as I read, and I have no suggestions for improvement.

*Star*Overall*Star*

A really good read. I enjoyed this piece immensely and would love to read more if you chose to continue this through NaNo. Good luck with the challenge, I am sure you will do well. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

*ButterflyV*Looking for reviews? Request a review here! "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUSOpen in new Window.

*ButterflyB*Check out this awesome auction!"Invalid ItemOpen in new Window.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go NoticedOpen in new Window..
452 Reviews *Magnify*
Page of 19 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://writing.com/main/profile.php/reviews/joycampbell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/11