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2,311 Public Reviews Given
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I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
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Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
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I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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251
251
Review of Locked  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Hiya, Ashina ! Welcome to WDC!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

The story line in this piece was very interesting. The events and situations flowed well from one to the next, allowing a smooth story to unfold. The plot was inticate and involved. I see a wealth of potential in this piece.

I found the narrative to be a bit passive with the constant use of adverbs (happily, bitterly, badly, usually, likely, slowly, quickly, etc.) and quite a bit of 'was' and 'had been' sentences. If you could substitute these passive sentences with active narrative, it would take this piece to a whole new level, I'm sure.

The main character was well fleshed out through this. Not only does the reader discover what she had suffered during past while, but quite a bit about what kind of person she was through how she acted and reacted. Her inner strength was well represented through her desire to live and be free. I think adding some internal dialogue and main dialogue would go a long way in making her feel even more realistic for the reader.

As far as structure goes, consider taking some of the lengthier paragraphs and dividing them up a bit. Some readers can be daunted by such long pieces of exposition and choose not to continue simply because it seems like work. Adding some dialogue and active encounters would pull the reader through with less effort on their part.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Everything should’ve been different, nothing should’ve been what it is now.
Consider writing out these contractions. I think the statements would be much more effective with 'should have'.

*Bullet*Maybe if I actually use my brain, instead of my lust…, I could actually get out of here. Get away from here, yes, that sounded good.
The comma after the ellipsis is not needed. Also, this section seems to change tense between past and present. For example, 'use my brain' sets a present tense, while 'could' and 'sounded' are past tense. As far as I can tell, you use past tense for the majority of this piece, so you may want to smooth out the discrepancy to eliminate confusion for the reader.

*Bullet*You just can’t really see it as a door, more like a crawling door. A door you have to crawl through, so small.
The second sentence here is a little repetitive because it was already established that it was a 'crawling door'. You may consider a different term, however, to reduce the need to explain it. Consider something like, 'cubby hole'.

*Bullet*How bad was it going to get, the key must’ve been a sign, but I couldn’t figure it out fast enough.
I think the first part 'How bad was it going to get' should have a question mark. Then use 'The key' to start the next sentence.

*Bullet*What was that annoying sound coming from across the room.
I think this should have a question mark.

*Bullet*It kept me from my dreamless sleep, I longed for to last just a little longer.
Consider making this two seperate sentences. Or, perhaps a semicolon would suffice for a division between the two. Also, I think adding 'it' after 'for' would be appropriate.

*Bullet*Wincing I opened my eyes, rolling over, staring straight into his eyes.
This felt a bit packed together. Consider rephrazing slightly. For example, 'Wincing, I opened my eyes and rolled over. I found myself staring straight into his eyes.'

*Bullet* I gasped, this was the least I was expecting.
This is a passive statement. It is a great spot to throw in some punch by using more active verbs and cutting out the 'was'. Consider this, 'I gasped, stunned by the unexpected encounter.'

*Bullet*Door, left wall, a few meters away, but it will most likely be locked.
The word 'will' takes this into present tense. Consider using 'would' to maintain consistency.

*Bullet*There are many adverbs used in this piece. Believe me, I like my adverbs, but it is easy to overuse them and create a passive telling of a story, rather than a vivid experience for the reader. Consider going through this and looking for words that end with '-ly'. Challenge yourself to explain the sentence without using it, but instead replacing it with a more active verb. It can really make the difference for the reader when they are reading a story to be 'shown' what happens, allowing them to envision it, rather than just understand that something happened.

*Bullet*Consider adding some scenes into this of what happens. Develop the story through active dialogue and action, rather than just telling the reader what happened. The story line for this is very interesting and well planned out, and I think it could be a very compelling read if executed in a more active way.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

This story has some amazing potential. The plot line was involved and well thought out to be engaging for the reader, ripe with conflict and emotion. Adding some active scenes and the use of more active verbs would take this piece from good to great in a second. I really enjoyed reading from the perspective of the main character. I found her character to be believable and likeable.

If you decide to rework this piece, please feel free to let me know. I would love a chance to re-evaluate it. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

~AJ

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252
252
Review of Journey To Hell  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, jaya !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a very nice piece about how a big family doesn't have to be a hard thing to live with, even when you marry into it. I was especially moved by this, I think, because of the fact that the marriage was an arranged marriage. I would think this could make for much more tension between the members of the family, and would have, I think, if the two getting married would have been opposed to the union.

I was pleasantly surprised by the content. The title led me to believe it would be a negative piece, but instead I was delighted to find a heart-warming tale of love and finding joy even when placed in a difficult situation. Very nice!


Suggestions

*Bullet*When my father-in-law expired suddenly due to a paralysis stroke, as the eldest son my husband had to shoulder the responsibility of supporting the family.
I stumbled on the flow of this sentence just a bit. Consider adding a comma after 'son'.

*Bullet*When my children arrived eventually, their aunts and grandmother gave them, their love and attention.
Consider removing the comma after 'them', it seems to break the flow of the sentence.

*Bullet*This should prove the fact that living in a joint family is a blessing and not a curse provided there is human feeling between the members.
I wonder if a comma after 'curse' would improve the flow of this sentence.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this pice. It was a great showing of how preconceived notions can be proven wrong, and fulfullment can be found in unlikely places. A great read!

Happy Writing!

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253
253
Review of The Pandora  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Marcus !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was an interesting read, to say the least. The first time I read through it I was a bit confused, but on the second read I discovered I just wasn't paying good enough attention. The details of the situation are spaced out through each section and it takes some thought on the part of the reader to put it all together. I really like that. I am not one of those people who think reading should be super easy, at least not where the plot line is concerned. I enjoy having to try and figure it out.

The story progresses at a steady rate and left me intrigued to know if you plan to continue this, or if it is going to stay as a piece of flash fiction. I think you have many options here for a continuation, for sure.

I think the only drawback I found, really, was the lack of description. I found it hard to picture the area as the story progressed as I have never been anywhere near Glasgow. You may consider embellishing on the surroundings to pull the reader in a bit deeper.

I found a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*... their eyes met and he wondered if she was one of them too?
As I was reading, this part seemed like more of a statement, rather than a question. I think if you changed it to a direct thought, the question mark would be appropriate. For example, 'their eyes met and he wondered, Is she one of them too?.

*Bullet*How many of them are there? He thought and how long has this been going on?
I think a comma after 'thought' would be appropriate. Also, consider using italics for direct thoughts, just to make it a bit more apparent to the reader.

*Bullet*He wondered what a chopped up by a train skateboarder would look like?
Consider using hyphens in the section 'chopped up by a train' to show the reader it is meant to be understood as a single idea. For example, 'He wondered what a chopped-up-by-a-train skateboarder would look like.' Also, same as above with the question mark. I think it would be appropriate if this was a direct thought, otherwise it is more of a retorical question, in my opinion.

*Bullet*One minute to go and he had got away with it.
I think 'got' would work smoother as 'gotten'.

*Bullet*dodging musket balls And whirling swords...
The word 'And' doesn't need to be capitalized.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a very good read. I found myself interested right away. The use of showing the time in each section was great, it gave me a keener sense of how it was unfolding. As I said above, I think adding some description of the area would be great for those who have never seen the area before. If you decide to continue this story, feel free to let me know. I would love to see where it goes. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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254
254
Review of Halloween Meeting  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Revelry new writings soon !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


When I first started reading this, it felt as though it was going to be a scary story of summoning a spirit, but as the story progresses, she ends up whiling away the midnight hours just talking to him, and learning about his life. I liked how it turned out. It was like a twist all of its own.

The story moves along well for the most part. I wonder, though, if the impact on the reader would be greater if you were to show their interaction, rather than just telling the reader it happened. If you ever decide to expand upon this, it would be a great addition. I think it would allow the reader to connect with the characters on a personal basis.

The description of her was great. I had a vivid picture in my mind of what she looks like, but I wasn't really able to picture their surroundings. You tell where they are, but no specific details for the reader to picture it. Consider adding a few lines of description to show the reader the setting.

I have some suggestions regarding flow, etc. They are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Bringing with her all the things she'll need for her summoning attempt.
This feels like an incomplete sentence. Consider combining it with the one before it to produce a smoother flow.

*Bullet*...with his life as a world war one legend since she...
Consider using 'WWI' or capitalize 'World War One'.

*Bullet*Dropping to her knees alittle left...
I think 'alittle' should be 'a little'.

*Bullet*She lays some old correspondence between him and her great-aunt Evelyn on the ground in front of her. Upon which she places a white sugar skull with his name, next she lights the seven red candles and sprinkles some dirt from his original grave.
This section felt a bit choppy to me. Consider changing the first period to a comma, then a period where the comma is. I think it would read a little bit smoother.

*Bullet* Minutes turn to what seems to eternity,
Consider using 'an' in place of the second 'to'.

*Bullet* Minutes turn to what seems to eternity, and when she finally dares to look up because all but two of the candles have flickered out unexpectedly. Its done with her nerves on edge and heart beating fast the faint tinge of hope rising in her throat.
The sentence structure is a bit off in this section. Consider changing the first comma to a period. Then start the next sentence with 'When' and then incorporate the last two sentences into one since they are about the same subject. Also, 'Its done with her nerves on edge' section is telling rather than showing. Consider using more active verbs instead. Show the reader she is nervous with physical signs; heart thundering in her ears, sweaty palms, etc. You may find the reader has a stronger reaction to her emotions.

*Bullet*The change to his perspective is done in the middle of a paragraph of her perspective. Consider giving it its own paragraph to show the difference between them more clearly.

*Bullet*Make-up covers her arms, neck and face, in vibrant hues...
I don't think you need the comma before 'in'.

*Bullet* "No. Not Evelyn. Just a...distant relative.
No need for the quotation mark on this since it is a thought.

*Bullet* She's not as beautiful as Evelyn he muses as she lays on the ground starring at the stars above but he can see the resemblance.
I think 'he muses' should have commas surrounding it. Also, 'starring' should be 'staring'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

All in all, this was a good read. I really like the story line and would love a chance to get to know the characters a little bit better through seeing their interaction with one another. If you decide to edit or change this piece, feel free to let me know. I would love a chance to re-evaluate this piece. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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255
255
Review of Moving On  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review. I am more than happy to offer my reactions, comments, and suggestions. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*

Strengths:

The narrative tone in this piece was clear and consistent. The difference in tone between the two sections was easy to distinguish, and I found the individual voices of the characters were reflective of their personalities. I felt that I got to know both Clew and Kathy fairly well, especially considering the length of the story.

Kathy's outburst was well done. I could feel her anger, as well as her passion. I had a clear visual through the entirety and found the dialogue realistic and believable.

The message in this peice was a powerful one. I really didn't expect the reason behind the materialistic loss of Kathy and her family. It took me by surprise and because of that the emotion in Kathy's outburst came across with that much more intensity. It produced an emotional response in me. Nice work!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*The bright morning sun shone on the green plush lawn, and gave a stark colorful contrast to the flowers in full bloom.
This sentence seems somewhat flat compared to the ones around it. The second mention of the 'lawn' also felt repetitive as it is used in the previous sentence. Also, the use of 'stark' and 'colorful' together seems too contradictory to me. Consider using active verbs to 'show' the reader more effectively. For a quick example, The morning sunlight shone on the plush, green grass, granting a stark contrast to the blooming flowers.

*Bullet*Big clumsy Clew dismounted the truck...
I think there should be a comma after 'Big' because 'Big' and 'clumsy' are two seperate adjectives used to describe Clew. Also, consider using a different word for 'dismounted' to give the reader an idea of how he got out. Did he jump, stumble, plop? This can give the reader a better 'picture' of the scene as it transpires.

*Bullet*Reminds me of dat big house back in 2005 in Jersey
Just missing the period at the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*...a strong wiry young man, carried...
Consider placing a comma after 'strong'.

In Conclusion

This was a very good read. It was well written, emotional, and compelling. Great work!

Happy Writing!

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256
256
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The opening line was a great hook to pull in the reader. I really enjoyed reading this piece. It was fresh and original, and though the whole story centered around a rather creepy Christmas celebration, it felt festive and fun. I think the change over of Sam's attitude was done very well without seeming rushed or fake. Most times I would say to flesh out the party, give some of the conversations, etc. but I think this piece worked very well the way it is. Sam's perspective allowed the reader to feel what she felt throughout the piece, and I think a big part of establishing that connection was that I could relate to her initial reaction well.

The dialogue between the characters flowed naturally and felt realistic. I could hear their individual voices well without the need for additional tags.

Suggestions:

The only thing I noticed was that the word 'had' was used a few times where it could be taken out to improve the flow without hampering the sentence meaning. This is somewhat rare for me to say, but otherwise, I found no errors in punctuation, grammar, or spelling. Great work! *Thumbsup*

Overall

This was an extremely well written story about a strange, but still merry, Christmas celebration. I will recommend this to others, for sure. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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257
257
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, janice48 Have a Nice Day!!

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. I found it posted in our forum along with a request for reviews, so I thought I would take a peek. *Wink*

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


My Personal Impression: This was a beautiful dedication to the memory of your brother. You use so many examples in this of why you loved him so, and I found it very touching.

Tone & Mood: The tone was soft and loving. I feel that it set the mood well. The content seemed like a praising of what he was to you in life, and a way to express how his memory still affects you. It was clear to see how much he meant to you.

Emotional Impact: The impact of this piece on me was great. I could feel your love and devotion, the apparent respect with which you view him. It was strange, but as I read, my own brother just happened to stop by, and I found myself a bit mushier than normal. *Wink* This tells me that this piece caused me to reflect on my own relationships.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: I found the rhyming sequence to be done very well. I enjoyed your word choices, they suited the content well and conveyed the emotions clearly. I am not sure about the form because I am not very knowleagable about such things, but the flow was very good. I found only a few spots where I stumbled as I read out loud. I have included them below for your consideration. *Smile*

Suggestions:

The one I held dear and I admired.

I don't think you need the second 'I' as the speaker was already established within this line. It felt a touch repetitive.

That is how our hearts will still be combined.

Consider saying 'how our hearts are still combined'. The reason I suggest this is because it felt like you were saying it was something that was yet to come, but has not actually happened yet.

For all you done for me I truly commend.

The grammar on 'all you done for me' feels off. Consider rephrazing slightly. Perhaps something like, 'For all you have done for me I truly commend.'

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I enjoyed reading this poem. It was a wonderful tribute to the memory of your brother and a great showing of how much you loved him, as well as how he affected your life. Great work!

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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258
258
Review of Vengeful  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, jaya !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece supported the mood well. I found it started off light and carefree as the younger men were described in the same light. They had the world in the palm of their hands, so to speak, with the ability to do what they wanted, when they pleased, and with whom they chose. Then, as Manu meets the neighbors and feels the sense of wrongness in their apartment, the tone changes to accomodate the new sense of fear and dark intent. Well done.

The pacing of the story was constant and easy to follow as it unfolded. I liked how you introduced Manu's dark deed from when he killed his girlfriend. It was a shock to me because his personality had been so well set as being kind and carefree from the way he reacted to the people around him up until that point. It worked as a great twist.

I have a few suggestions regarding flow and punctuation below, but I also wanted to touch on one other thing. There were a few places in this where I felt I was being 'told' the story rather than seeing it happen. Sometimes, going through with a critical eye and watching the verbs, exchanging passive verbs for active ones, can increase the 'active' feel of a story and further engage the reader. For example, using the word 'ran' tells the reader what the action is, but using 'sprinted' shows the reader how the action is being performed.

I feel you did a great job infusing this with the fear and disorientation of Manu. I found it very intense as I read through, and could feel that he knew what he had done was wrong. It was fitting that she took him with her into the darkness at the end.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Manu’s dad owns a flat in an apartment building in Lonawala,
The word 'owns' takes this sentence out of past tense into present tense. Consider using 'owned' in order to keep the tense constant.

*Bullet*The three bachelor boys in late twenties rented a sports car,
Consider placing the word 'their' after 'in' to produce a smoother flow. Also, I wonder if 'in their late twenties' should be surrounded by commas as it is a non-essential element of the main sentence.

*Bullet*All the three worked for a foreign bank
I stumbled here slightly. Consider, 'All three of them'.

*Bullet*Youth and money combined with unfettered freedom make a heady brew that goes right to the brain shooting at sense and sensibility point blank.

I feel like this sentence goes out of tense. Consider something like, 'Youth and money, combined with unfettered freedom, made a heady brew that went right to the brain, shooting at sense and sensibility point blank.

*Bullet*Hari, the watchman of the building hastened to help them with unloading baggage from the boot.
I think there could be a comma added after 'building' because 'the watchman of the building' is an added element to the sentence.

*Bullet*A sudden cold draught blew in through the tall window fluttering the silk curtain with vertical crimson lines.
Consider adding a comma after 'window' to show the seperation between 'window fluttering'.

*Bullet*Suddenly, like a panther about to pounce Rita stood up, and caught Manu’s throat in a vice-like grip with her hands.
I think the punctuation is a bit off here. Consider placing the second comma after 'pounce' and omitting the one before 'and'. I don't think it's needed because this is not a compound sentence.

*Bullet*“Ritu darling, what happened to you?”
Just a typo on 'Rita'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this story. I found the emotions intense and the story very compelling. A bit of time spent on polishing is all this needs to take it to the next level. Well done. *Thumbsup*

I look forward to visiting your port again soon. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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259
259
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya, Jenna Brennan !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a powerful piece. The narrative tone was crisp and clear, and full of inner strength and courage. The description told me right away that this would be about an accident, and because of that I assumed it would be about a victim. I was wrong. You may have been a victim in a horrible accident, and suffered greatly both physically and psychologically, but you turned it around from negative to positive. I find that fact alone astonishing, as well as incredibly inspirational.

Then, you shocked me even further by presenting the story with a clear narrative voice, a great use of language, and I found myself enthralled with the read from beginning to end. Very well done. *Thumbsup*

I enjoyed the mood that this piece inspired. It made me feel strong, independent, and most of all, thankful for what I have. You have shown me that even when bad things happen, good things can come of it. Due to this accident, you were able to see what you truly wanted out of life, rather than conforming to what society wanted you to be and do. You found the love of your life, a fulfilling occupation, as well as an iron resolve to enjoy your life to the fullest.

I have a few minor suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Miraculously his betrayal led to my recovery.
I think a comma after 'Miraculously' would be appropriate because it is a disjunctive adverb which modifies the entire sentence.

*Bullet*Before the accident I did what was expected of me.
The section 'Before the accident' is an introductory phrase, so I think a comma following it is needed.

*Bullet*The old me would already be married to a respectable white Christian man whom I might like but didn't truly love,
I stumbled here slightly. I think the tense changes with the use of 'didn't' because 'I might like' is present tense. Consider something like, 'to a respectable white, Christian man whom I might have liked but didn't truly love', or, 'to a respectable white, Christian man whom I might like but not truly love'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

Thank you very much for sharing this piece here on WDC. I count myself lucky that I came across it. I was reminded of a valuable lesson in life, as well as inspired by your ability to survive the odds and come out on top. This was very nicely written and infused with your personal voice, making the read emotional because it is coming from a personal level. Very nice!

I look forward to reading more of your work. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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260
260
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

Ah, such a sweet story. It left me with a feeling of peace and happiness that the old cottage was revived in the modern day to allow families to enjoy the same wonder that Ellen felt as a child.

There was a wistful edge to the narrative tone, inspiring the reader to feel the sense of nostalgia which is present in the woman's words and behavior as she walks through the old cottage. It set a great mood for the reader as the story unfolded.

The story unfolded well. It was paced nicely to allow the reader time to absorb the imagery as well as showing how emotional the place was for Ellen. Well done. I found the dialogue flowed naturally and felt realistic.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Ingelside, the old deserted cottage, sat in what splendor it had left, at the top of the steps that led to the beach.
I don't think the comma after 'left' is needed. It seems to interrupt the flow a bit.

*Bullet*Many happy summer days had been spent by the family of the old cottage, and now the children were grown, and their children.
The flow of this sentence is a bit choppy. I think perhaps using 'were' rather than 'had been' would make it more active. Also, consider 'as were their children' instead of 'and their children' to connect it to 'and now the children were grown'.

*Bullet*Until only a few old people were left, that still remembered those...
Consider removing this comma for a smoother flow.

*Bullet*A few tears ran down her old eighty-seven year old cheeks as she remembered her youth once again.
The use of 'old' twice so close together feels a bit repetitive. Consider removing the first one.

*Bullet*Slowly Ellen moved into the old kitchen were a wooden table
I think there should be a comma after 'Slowly'. Also, 'were' should be 'where'.

*Bullet*“We could fix it up for the family Ray.”
I think there should be a comma after 'family'.

Overall

I enjoyed reading this story. It was well written to infuse the reader with the emotions felt by the characters, and it left me feeling peaceful and happy. With a bit of polish, this is going to be amazing! *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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261
261
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, geniusgal !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


To be honest, I wasn't sure what to expect with this piece, but I found I was pleasantly surprised! This was a heart-felt plea to the world to reduce the frequency of sport killing. I think it was excellent that you touched on the fact that we, as humans, do kill animals, but that it should be for what we need, not what we want or desire.

I like the way you structured this. The addition of the date, addresses, and proper opening made this feel more realistic to begin with. The content was full of emotion, well stated, and interesting for me as a reader.

The introductory statement was a great way to interest the reader and pull them into the piece. You didn't go over the same material more than once, which allowed for the readers interest to be held right up to the end. Well done.

I have some suggestions regarding flow and sentence structure. They are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Took my grandparents, my mom, my dad, my brother.
This is not a complete sentence. This letter is written in formal format, so I think you may want to consider making this a complete sentence for the sake of consistency. Conisder something like, You took my grandparents, my mom, my dad, and my brother.

*Bullet*It would break your heart to see them dead, won’t it?
The word 'won't' should be 'wouldn't' in order to remain constant.

*Bullet*Why don’t you think how we’ll feel when we wake up to find our family missing?
I wonder if adding the word 'about' after 'think' would smooth the flow a little for this sentence.

*Bullet*What is the fun in killing a living thing- that too a living thing of such beauty, pride and ferocity.
I stumbled on the structure of this sentence a bit. I think the repetition of 'a living thing' has something to do with it. Consider something like, What is the fun in killing a living thing of such beauty, pride, and ferocity?

*Bullet*I mean I’m.
I think 'I am' would work better here. The way it is written 'I'm' tends to sound as though it is unfinished.

*Bullet*When’ll your greed end?
Consider using 'When will' instead of 'When'll'. It stopped my read right away because it interrupted the flow.

*Bullet*Last night one of my kind came to me with a sad story- a sad but the same story.
Consider rephrasing the second section after the hyphen just slightly. I found the flow changed. Try something like, - sad, but all too familiar.

*Bullet*When he went to the place where your lot live, they started throwing stones at him you are so cruel and stupid!
Consider ending the first sentence after 'him'. Start a new one with 'You'.

*Bullet*Why call yourselves ‘mankind’ when there is not a bit of kindness I you
Should 'I' be 'in'? Also, this sentence is a question, so it needs a question mark at the end.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was an interesting read. I found the point of view of the tiger to be well presented in a believable and convincing way. With some polishing for sentence strucutre, I am confident this will be a smooth and compelling read. Good work!

Happy Writing!

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262
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Review of A sin!  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hiya, Marcus !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The first sentence was done well to capture the interest of the reader and pull them further into the piece. It intrigued me, that's for sure.

The humor in this piece was dry and well played to show the needless death of Steph. I think there is a lot of potential for this piece to produce quite a hilarious read. The essential components of the story are definitely there, and the reasoning behind the moral is clear, but I found that I had a hard time 'seeing' the event as it transpired. Consider showing the reader what happened by recreating the scene as it happened, complete with dialogue, sensory descriptions, and details. I think you would be surprised by its affectiveness.

Suggestions

*Bullet*She had taken it from the Office Managers (Clients children only) supply box under his desk after asking Wee Neelie if that was okay.
Consider removing the information in perenthesis. It seems to be unnecessary and breaks the flow of the sentence. Also, 'Managers' should be 'Manager's'.

*Bullet*Unfortunately this proved to be the last straw for the harassed...
As far as I know, 'Unfortunately' would be considered a disjunctive adverb and should be followed by a comma.

*Bullet*Amazingly a lemon flavoured lollipop flew straight...
I think 'Amazingly' should be followed by a comma for the same reason as above.

*Bullet*Unfortunately in the rush no one noticed the lemon
Same thing here.

*Bullet*...involving all the remaining male clerks two maintenance engineers and three passers by.
I think a couple of commas would smooth this sentence nicely. Consider adding one after 'clerks' and 'engineers' to show that this is a list.

*Bullet*Again no one noticed the lollipop and by now Steph...
I think a comma after 'Again' would work well because this sentence transitions from the one before it.

*Bullet*THAU SHALL NOT STEAL
Do you mean 'Thou'?

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a good start on what could prove to be a very funny situation, even though it feels a little strange to say that considering that Steph dies. Your take on the moral, 'thou shall not steal' was fresh and orginal. I believe it could be an entertaining read if some more time is spent to describe the events as they take place. If you decide to edit this please feel free to let me know. I would love a chance to re-evaluate this piece. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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263
263
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Jenna Brennan !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Ah, this was a delight to read. I was smiling or laughing through nearly the whole piece. Your personal voice came through very well in this through the sentence structure and inner thoughts. I loved the section where you wondered who had it worse, you or Alison. I couldn't stop laughing. Isn't it great that she got hers!

I can't say that the accident was funny in anyway, but in the same breath, it was too sweet that you could at least enjoy her discomfort a bit. *Wink*

The story moved along very well. I found the narrative to be active, compelling, and immensely entertaining. I am impressed with how much of your personality came through in this short piece. Each sentence was important and useful, with little to no useless information. Great work!

Suggestions

*Bullet* I did however form a very close relationship with the nurse call button.
I think 'however' should be surrounded by commas because it is a non-essential component of the sentence.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This was a fun read. It was well written, funny, interesting, and full of personality. Thank you for sharing this piece. It shows a great inner strength that you were able to find some fun in a negative situation. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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264
264
Review of The kingdom  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya, Nada Philippe (a.k.a: R.H.N) !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


The narrative tone in this piece was objective and distant, like a storyteller telling a story to a group of people. I liked how you managed to provide details through the use of the dialogue, rather than using thick exposition to explain the story. The narrative was active and the story moved along at a good pace.

The descriptions were good. I could see the area well as the story progressed, from the inside of the Palace, to the barren lands around it.

The personalities of the King and Queen were shown well through their dialogue with one another, as well as their actions, and their reactions to the events that transpire.

Suggestions

I think the only thing that really hampers the read of this piece is the errors in punctuation and grammar. I am not one for a whole line by line unless the author requests it, but I have provided a few examples below for you to consider. If you decide you would like a thorough edit, let me know. I am more than happy to do it, but I would hate to upset someone by offering something that is not desired.

*Bullet*The guard entered the throne room, stood in front of the King and Queen and bowed his head, “your Majesty, Seth is planning a war against your Kingdom.”
When an action comes before dialogue, the action should be followed by a period. A comma only comes before dialogue when a tag is used, such as he/she said. Also, the 'your' should be capitalized as it is the beginning of a sentence.

*Bullet*“The King looked towards the ground, “I know, can you think of any other way than war?” sorrow filled the King’s voice.
The quotation mark in the beginning is out of place.

*Bullet*Better know what he is doing or else he will ruin the Kingdom with his foolishness.Thought the Queen.
When representing inner thoughts as internal dialogue, the 'thought the Queen' is considered a tag so a comma is used. For example, '...he will ruin the Kingdom with his foolishness, thought the Queen.

*Bullet*Just one more thing. Consider using their names more often than 'King' and 'Queen' once the names have been introduced. It will make the piece seem less formal and allow the reader to become more involved with them on an emotional level.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed this story. I love the field of fantasy, especially with something like this that also uses some modern day things, such as guns. I think this piece has a lot of potential to be a great read if some polishing is done to ease the flow of its delivery for the reader. Please let me know if you edit this, I would love to come back and re-evaluate it. *Bigsmile*

Happy Writing!

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265
265
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Kalistra !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. Welcome to our group, we are thrilled to have you! *Bigsmile*

I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


Wow! I have to say, this was an amazing read! After I finished it the first time through I thought to myself, 'I want more!'. I wasn't ready for it to be over, that's for sure.

I found your use of metaphors in this very well done. I could 'feel' the void of emptiness as it shifted and changed. The sensations were introduced with active narrative and I found myself completely immersed in it. The following was my favorite part:

The sentience wraps emptiness around itself like a cloak and huddles around it in apotheosis.

What a great use of language and the senses. I could 'see' this, and I could feel it as well. Great work!

The narrative tone set a dark, yet emotional, kind of mood. For the first time in a long time, I'm having a real trouble describing it. All I can say is well done! I was captured by the first line and held captive through the entirety.

Suggestions

I found no errors in punctuation, spelling, or grammar. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

This piece was a great showing of how well one can create sensation in the reader with the use of words. It was extremely well written, compelling, and left me wanting more. What more could a reader ask for?

Happy Writing!

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266
266
Review of Distance  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hiya, andrew1983

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


Tone & Mood: The tone in this piece was soft and loving, yet with an undertone of loss and sadness. It set the mood well and flowed well with the content. Very nice!

Emotional Impact: This piece really struck a chord with me. I could feel the regret, for feeling something you felt you had no right to feel, but couldn't deny. The following section was my favorite for emotional impact:

I swore I'd never fall again,
Would never love nor ever mend,
But also, never to pretend -
For now I feel I've fallen for a friend.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: The rhyming sequence was consistent and right on the money, allowing for a smooth cadence. I didn't notice any areas where I stumbled as I read this out loud. Very well done. I really liked the word choices. It was clear they were well thought out to impart the proper meaning. I didn't find any unnecessary areas, it was tightly structured.

My Personal Impression: I loved reading this, but it broke my heart too. I found myself feeling a range of emotions from the joy of love, to the sense of regret felt over falling for someone that was off limits, so to speak. Very good work. I also liked how you added the information at the bottom about how it works into a song. It allowed me to see how it would be developed.

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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267
267
Review of REMEMBER  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Yellow Rose

This review is being made on behalf of Showering Acts of Joy. We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Bigsmile*


Tone & Mood: The tone in this piece was compelling. The lines insist that one remember the pain, as well as the good of strangers helping strangers in a time of great need. The mood is sad, but there is an undertone of being proud of the people involved.

Emotional Impact: This piece hit me hard, really. Each line brought the harshness of reality front and center, and forced to me to recognize it, to understand it. I think this was great, it shows people who may have put the memories aside to remember our past and what it has cost so many.

Rhyme, Form, and Flow: This was a free verse poem. It flowed well. The repetition of the word 'remember' was a nice touch, it caused me to focus on it more than I think I would have without it.

My Personal Impression: I really enjoyed reading this piece. Each line was important to the whole, and told its own story. I believe we should remember, and in so doing, perhaps have the ability to prevent such a thing in the future. If nothing else, we can honor those who have lost loved ones and survived to tell the tale. I have one small suggestion. I think the word 'echos' should be 'echoes'.

Happy Writing!

~AJ
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268
268
Review of Beauty is...  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya!

I found this piece on "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS, thank you for posting for us to read! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

I love the concept of this poem. It was a wonderful showing of what true beauty is, not just the outward appearances, but inner beauty as well. This is shown nicely with the last line, "Beauty is whatever is right". Very nice.

I found the flow to be fairly good, but the rhythm does have some interruptions. I think some of the longer lines may be shortened to help with that. As I read it out loud I found two sections which I stumbled on. They are:

And if even attempted cannot be tamed.

Consider rephrazing this slightly. For example, 'And when attempted, cannot be tamed.


Beauty shines brightly in the forgiven
So do those a favor and forgive them.

This section just seemed very plain when compared to the rest of the piece. Consider picking it up a notch.

Beauty will last forever; an eternity.
I think this sentence would be better served by a hyphen rather than a semicolon. A semicolon should only be used to seperate two complete sentences.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I enjoyed this poem. The content was wonderful and reminds us all that beauty is more than skin deep. Well done!

Happy Writing!

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269
Review of Live your dreams  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review. I am more than happy to offer my reactions, comments, and suggestions. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*


Strengths:

The narrative tone in this piece was a wonderful reflection of the main character's personality. I could 'feel' what she was feeling, and to be honest, have felt that way from time to time. I really could have smacked out Huub, though, when he said 'who else would have put up with you for 20 years'. My mouth dropped and everything. Great work!

The story flowed well. I found myself drawn to the main character through the course of this, sympathisizing with her, and feeling like yelling at the screen, 'Just get out of there!'. This tells me you were able to delve into her emotions and make them real. Awesome.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Following him, I notice I’m wringing my hands. I still them. “I’m sorry Huub, I didn’t start dinner yet.” He turns around, looking annoyed. “What? I thought it was your day off.”
Since the dialogue here is from two different people, they should each have their own paragraph. I would start the second paragraph with 'He turns around'.

*Bullet* I did actually start looking into writing though.
Just need a comma before 'though'.

*Bullet*“Well, she did almost let Corey drown in bath once.
I think the word 'the' before 'bath' would smooth this sentence a bit.

In Conclusion

A really good read! It left me feeling sorry for the woman, wishing I could make a difference in her life. So, this tells me it was realistic and believable, as well as compelling. Really good stuff!

Happy Writing!

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270
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Review of The Ice Lake  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hiya! I found this piece on "Please Review. I am more than happy to offer my reactions, comments, and suggestions. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree. *Smile*


Strengths:

The use of metaphor in this piece was powerful. The struggle against one's own mind was waged trapped within a cold lake, ice barring the path to the air and sun which give life. I very much enjoyed how this was told. I think almost everyone could relate to this at one point or another. It was the realization that his past would not come back to save him that finally gave the needed strength to take control. Very nice.

The narrative tone in this was consistent and effective. In the beginning there was only sadness, fear, and self pity, but as the piece moved along these emotions began to change. The transition was smooth and believable.

I have a few suggestions, but they are minor. I found the punctuation, spelling, and grammar all in good order. *Smile*

Suggestions:

*Bullet* I'll reach it. I'll be free. I'll-thud
I had to re-read this to understand the last part. Consider seperating it a bit to show the thought had been cut off more clearly. For example,

I'll be free. I'll--

Thud.


If you choose to leave it as is, then it should be capitalized and needs ending punctuation.


*Bullet*...as the realization of my imprisonment becomes clearer.
I think this statement would be more powerful if you used 'clear'.

*Bullet*She continues looking down at me, her beauty both reassuring and frightening me.
Consider dropping the last 'me'. I don't think it is necessary, and I found it a bit repetitive.

In Conclusion

All in all, this was a very enjoyable read. The piece moved along at a steady and believable rate. The narrative was active and compelling. Great work!

Happy Writing!

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271
271
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, Mike~Dolphins Fan 4 Life !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is one of those pieces that I think everyone can relate to at one point or another in their lives. I believe that negative thoughts attract negative situations, and therefore, positive attracts positive. However, I can see your point that nothing can be all good. There must be a balance of negative in order for one to appreciate the positive when it does occur. I think the problem is that people tend to forget there must be positive to level out the negative. Once a person gives in to negative thoughts, it is far easier to think negatively than positively. I suppose it is this sort of indecision that allows the negative to overrule the positive.

I found this piece very well written and structured. I followed your thoughts easily, and they were explained well with a minimum of words. I appreciate reading these kinds of pieces because they remind me to be thankful for the little things. I find that once my mind begins reflecting over deep thoughts, it just won't stop! *Smile*

Suggestions

Absolutely none. *Thumbsup*

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I enjoyed reading this piece. It is well written, appeals to the emotions, and is thought provoking to boot. Thank you for sharing it! *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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272
272
Review of The Ancient  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, A.T.B: It'sWhatWeDo !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece was really quite heart wrenching. The narrative tone was soft, full of regret, but there was also a deep sense of loss. A loss of more than a person, but a way of life.

The narrative was very effective in capturing my interest and leading me on to discover more. It was intense as well as informational, probably one of the only pieces of exposition that I have read and become involved in. The Prince's voice was very distinct and intelligent. I found myself caught up in 'hearing' the story, rather than reading it.

The first paragraph grabbed my attention well by introducing the humans as 'mortals', as well as stating that their downfall began immediately after their creation. The fantasy lover in me just had to know what happened.

I really liked the concept of the Ether. I find that many authors use a world between the worlds, though I do not think I have ever heard of one quite like this. It would be hell, indeed, to live each day in a continual replay of every mistake you ever made. I found it believable and intriguing.

I enjoyed the use of ellipsis in this. I think they added a level of intensity to the statements they were attached to because the reader will pause and allow the content to sink in. At least, that's what happened for me. Nice touch.

The ending paragraph left me feeling very sad for the Prince, that he must stay on Earth by himself. It is mentioned in the beginning that an elf only falls in love once, and for some reason it stuck in my mind. I am eager to read more of this, to actually meet the Ancient.

I also have to mention the imagery. I don't know how you did it, after this I will have to go back and pick it apart a bit, but I found I had a strong visual of the area around him as he followed the Ancient.

Suggestions

*Bullet*By the next spring, our works upon the Earth had earned a level of respect for not what we were, but at least for what we could do.
I stumbled on this sentence a bit and had to re-read to understand the content. Consider rephrazing a bit. The section 'a level of respect for not what we were, but at least...' was the area that stopped me. Consider swapping 'for not' to 'not for'.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

An extremely well written, intriguing, emotional, and compelling prologue. I have tons of questions, which tells me it was effective. A prologue should make the reader want to know what happens, and this has definitely done that for me. *Smile* Now, where's the rest? *Wink*

Happy Writing!

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273
273
Review of The Lake  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Candleb*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews*Candlev*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.*Smile*

The narrative tone in this piece was dark, for sure, but there was an undertone of shame and regret, as well. The man had done something he was not proud of and felt his only option was to end everything. The narrative was active and compelling. It drew me through the story, and though I was sure it would end badly already, I found myself intent to see what happened in the end. Well done.

The story itself was quick and to the point. Very little information was given about his life, though the reader does get enough to feel a flash of sympathy for him because of how he viewed his mistakes. He was ashamed, and knew he could never fix what he'd done. I think this added to the dark atmosphere of the piece by keeping the reader unsure of his motives.

One thing you may want to keep an eye on is the over use of adverbs. I noticed quite a few in this piece, and while they are an easy way to produce the desired action, they tend to get in the way of the read when used often. This is something to keep in mind if you wish to be published. It is hard to replace adverbs with active verbs, but can often solidify the images for the reader.

I found the imagery was used well to help the reader envision the area and situation. My favorite description from this piece was:

In the paling last light, a breeze stirs the water ever so slightly; creating a thousand tiny reflections that shimmer and bounce like a vast field of diamonds.

I enjoyed the image this created. Nicely done.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*He recognizes peace for the first time in as long as he can remember and as the lake cradles him in her sturdy arms he is drawn into blissful sleep.
There should be a comma before 'and' as it is being used as a coordinating conjunction between two independent clauses. Also, a comma after 'arms' because 'As the lake cradles him in her sturdy arms' is an introductory clause for the main action.

Overall

I enjoyed reading this piece. It was well written, intense, dark, and compelling. I was glued to the screen as I read, eager to see how it would end. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


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274
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Kalistra !

I found this piece on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS, thank you for posting for us to read! I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for this piece. However, please keep in mind that these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.
*Smile*

First of all, you have requested a brutally honest critique. I am more than willing to do this, but please know that I am reading this with a critical eye, as well as the thought in my mind that you are going to want to publish this. This review will differ from my average review because I am going to attempt to point out anything I notice that may hamper that goal. Also, please keep in mind that I am not an editor and my suggestions are based on what I have learned as I pursue my own writing. *Smile*

The imagery in the first paragraph was well placed to give the reader a visual of the area, as well as grab their interest. The tone was tense and allowed for me to see that the situation coming up would be as well. To be honest, the imagery in the entire piece was really good. It was vivid and compelling, and I found I had no problem at all envisioning the countryside as he rode through different areas.

The narrative tone remained consistent throughout. I found myself quite involved in the piece as I read. The pace of the chase was steady, and the intensity of the narrative combined with the use of the character's thoughts allowed for a sense of anticipation and suspense.

The narrative was active and the exposition was spaced well to provide bits of information without any kind of info dump. Very well done. This will keep the story moving along, and keep the reader interested.

I loved that the forest ended up being petrified. It was original and completed the image in my mind very well.

Suggestions

*Bullet*In the first paragraph you use two adverbs, 'brightly' and 'imploringly'. Thanks to Ms. Diane and the Sunrise course, I have learned that any more than 1 adverb every three hundred words is frowned upon by editors. On the whole, they view it as lazy writing. You may want to consider rephrazing the sentences to take one out.

*Bullet*In the last line of the first paragraph, there should be an 'and' before the last item on the list.

*Bullet*...and the hoof beats seemed to echo sibilant whispers.
I love the use of 'sibilant whispers', it is very intense. My only suggestion is to make this a direct metaphor by taking out the 'seemed to'. Consider, 'and the hoof beats echoed sibilant whispers'. I think it increases the intensity. Also, you used the word 'sibilant' to describe the whispers 3 times. Conisder using a synonym rather than causing a repitition of the same word.

*Bullet*Suddenly the man found himself in the forest.
When using a disjunctive adverb to begin a sentence, it should be followed by a comma to show that it affects the sentence.

*Bullet* Still he urged his stallion back into a gallop,...
There needs to be a comma after 'Still' because it is a transitionary word to connect the previous sentence to the current one.

*Bullet*Abruptly his mount stumbled and went down squealing,...
'Abruptly' is a disjunctive adverb and needs a comma following it.

*Bullet*...that the stone forest was old, old, old and should have been left well enough alone.
I stumbled here with the repetitive use of 'old'. I believe 'ancient' would be a clearer way of explaining this.

*Bullet* As I said above, adverbs are frowned upon by editors. In this piece I found 17. Consider revising some of them to reduce their frequency.

*Star*In Conclusion*Star*

I really enjoyed reading this first part of chapter 1. It was well written, intense, descriptive, and active. I look forward to reading more. *Smile* If I was reviewing this purely from a readers perspective, I would have been compelled to give you as close to a 5 as I could get. However, from an editing perspective, I had some suggestions and have rated it accordingly. I would be more than willing to re-rate this if you decide to edit. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya Sparkler !

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am more than happy to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This was a really interesting piece. I like how you have addressed a very important issue with this and managed to present it in a flowing, expressive piece. I found there to be a poetic quality in this, and it worked very well with the content.

The narrative tone was lulling with a slight undertone of rebuke. I really enjoyed this aspect because it was good hearted, like a parent rebuking a young child. There was no bitterness in it, just a desire to teach and love. Very nice!

I have a few technical suggestions, they are as follows.

Suggestions

*Bullet* The feet of an eagle wake me up, disturbing me.
The word 'wake' should be 'woke'. Also, this is restating what the first sentence said, consider cutting out the first one to avoid the chance of being repetitive.

*Bullet* It’s claws, which...
The word 'It's' should be 'Its'.

*Bullet*...which used to tickle me before seem rasher these days...
The word 'before' is saying the same thing as 'used to'. Consider removing it since it isn't really necessary.

*Bullet*...and try to turn your (and mine) precious planet...
Consider saying 'our precious planet'. I think it would flow a bit smoother.

*Star* In Conclusion *Star*

I really enjoyed reading this piece. I found it to be a poetic way to show the reader the effects of humanities ignorance on our environment, especially the beautiful essence of trees. The view point of the tree was loving and helpful. A very nice read!

Happy Writing!

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