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2,311 Public Reviews Given
2,564 Total Reviews Given
I'm good at...
Spotting technical errors and awkward sentences. I also focus quite a bit on plot and scene flow.
Favorite Genres
Romance, Erotica, Paranormal, Fantasy, Mystery, Action/Adventure, Suspense
Least Favorite Genres
Horror
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories, Chapters
Least Favorite Item Types
Poetry
I will not review...
I'll review just about anything except for items containing incest or bestiality.
Public Reviews
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351
351
Review of Hard Road  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hiya, T.L. Finch!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This set of lyrics is a really great reflection of a truckers life. My dad was a truck driver all my life, and he always told me, 'A truckers life is the highway, the white line never talks back.' As a child I always just thought it was a great joke, but as an adult I can see he really meant it. He was never at home at 'home', never comfortable until he was in his rig.

This song reflects what a truck driver leaves behind, but in a lot of cases, I think they become so used to the type of freedom it grants them that they can't function anywhere else, or perhaps, just don't want to. It also grants a bit of insight to the type of life a lot of the long haul drivers lead, far from anything much besides the radio, his rig, and the highway.

The flow is right on, the rhyme pattern works well and the wording seems very natural. The chorus is very catchy, in fact I can still recall the words without even trying, so I would say that's a very good thing. The tempo of the piece gives a good indication of what the music behind it would be. Also, the sentence structure was smooth and easy to follow, and produced their own beat according to that structure.

I can't say I know a lot about the technical aspects of song writing, but from a reader/listener's perspective I think you have covered all the bases quite well. I would definitely listen if I heard it on the radio. *Smile*

The word choices in this piece are suggestive of a truck driver and I can say, as a truckers kid, I really appreciated and enjoyed the consistency.

Suggestions

I didn't notice any errors in punctuation, spelling or grammar.

*Star*Overall*Star*

All in all, a well written and enjoyable piece. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
352
352
Review of Mistaken  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hiya! *Smile*

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I have to admit, this definitely went a whole different direction than what I had in mind when I was reading. Awesome. *Smile* With the amount I read most days, I don't often come across a piece which can suprise me like this one did!

The structure of the story line was consistent. The sequence of events flowed well. I wondered why he would be telling a pharmacy clerk about something that happened in his childhood, at first, but I sure found out why!

The narrative tone really set the mood for the piece well. I was so wrapped up in what would happen if he didn't get proper treatment that I failed to think ahead, which is probably exactly what you intended -- it worked like a charm. Even now, I find myself shaking my head as I recognize the hidden hints. If only I would have paid attention to them.*Wink*

The opening paragraph did its job very well and pulled me into the story, intriguing me right from the start. Loved the ending paragraph as well, it left me with a creepy kind of feeling, just as a great horror should.

The descriptions were very well worded, and flowed easily. I found myself with a clear visual throughout, and have to say, I admire the way in which you worded them without the need for extra metaphors and adverbs. I was especially impressed with the process of the transformation. It was cleverly worded to make something unbelievable seem realitic to me as a reader.

The dialogue between the main character and the store clerk was believable. There was a very natural and realistic flow. The speech of the clerk gave the impression of a younger person, and was unique to his character. Which, I think, made the attack even more horrific when it came.

There was a definite tug on the emotions as the story unfolded. I found myself feeling his fear as he laid in bed, unable to move, and then as his story unfolded to the clerk, I was horrified at how his whole ordeal could have even been possible, thinking to myself, 'poor kid!'. Man, you really got me there.

I found the sentence structure varied nicely, changing in length at the moments of suspense to add to the intensity of the emotions. All in all, very well done.

Suggestions

*Bullet*...at his horrified refection.
Just a typo in 'reflection'.

Overall

An intriguing story with a horrific twist, made real through the quality of the writing. *Smile* A piece I won't soon forget, that I can promise! *Wink*

Happy Writing!
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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
353
353
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hiya, Dreamin1!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I clicked on this piece, just to see what it was like as I was roving your port and within the first stanza I knew I had to review it. *Smile*

Poetry is such an open form of expression that I find it rare to come across a piece such as this, where the story unfolds much like a story. I was swept into this piece, as I said before, from the first stanza. The use of longer lines really appeals to me as a reader, and in my opinion, allows for the author to really weave expression and emotion into the content.

The story line flows really well in this piece and the progression from stanza to stanza was smooth. Not only that, but story was told from beginning to end without jumping around for dramatic effect. There is some use of ambiguous phrasing, which adds some mystery, perhaps even a bit of romantasized fantasy, and it was really an asset to the content. The emotion infused in this piece was evident and powerful, and I found myself very thoughtful, even reflective, after I finished reading.

As I always do, I read this piece aloud and found it to flow very close to effortlessly throughout. The use of comma's in the sentences allowed for a constant rhythm. The rhyme sequence, as well as the choice of wording sounded natural.

I really like the subject of this piece. It's such a heartbreaking thing to be torn apart by lies, especially when you find later in life that the love didn't fade. I really think you did an exceptional job with this piece. The flow of the story, the reactions and consequences, and the pain suffered throughout came through strongly, realistically and in a believable fashion. Very well done!

Suggestions

*Bullet*... by his closest freind.
Just a typo on 'friend'.

*Bullet*Not space nor time had changed them much. both of them were rare
The period in this sentence should be a comma or a semicolon. I'm guessing it's a typo.

*Bullet*She'd fought it, but then realized her love had not grown cold
Consider using a comma after 'realized'. When I was reading out loud I naturally paused there.

*Bullet*Using some tissue she wiped the tears not on hold.
This sentence sounded off to me in cadence with the stanza it was in. I think lengthening it just slightly would give it a smoother flow. What came to me was, 'Using some tissue she wiped the tears she could no longer hold'. I'm not a poet, by any means, but it's something to consider. *Smile*

All in all, a wonderful read. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
354
354
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya, Bethany! You were kind enough to review my work and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

The narrative of this piece does a nice job of setting the tone right away. The first sentence acted as a good hook to pull the reader into the story. I like how you began this with an action sequence, it gets the reader involved in the story quickly and without needing to give a lot of actual information.

The narrative also offers a bit of information in a round about way about Evie. It introduces the idea she can hear others thoughts, and that hearing this girl from so far away is a strange occurance. This fact also gives the reader the impression there is something these two girls have in common they don't know about yet. A nice way to build the plot line.

The character development of Evie is done well through her own thoughts, her reactions to the situation, as well as the dialogue. She comes off as strong, independent, as well as short tempered and a bit self involved. However, the last part is tempered by her strange sense of protectiveness for Chloe. Definitely a well rounded personality set so far.

The dialogue between the two girls is realistic and believable and flows well. Chloe seems a bit immature by her way of speech, but what senators daughter wouldn't' be? *Wink* I think you have developed her character in a believable way so far.

The plot line is moving well so far, I think. From this chapter I got the impression that the guy who attacked Chloe will make a reappearance, and will probably be a part of the main story line. It is enough to intrigue the reader into reading on, but not so much as to make them think it will move along too quickly. I think most readers enjoy a bit of suspenseful build up.

The structure of the sentences and paragraphs is fairly smooth for the most part. There is a variety of sentence lengths which is always a good thing to assist in mood and tone changes without additional superfluous sentences and the transitions from paragraph to paragraph flowed well.

The title seems to fit fairly well, assuming Evie comes to act like a martyr later on, or something along those lines. Her character is fairly close already, seeing as she did risk herself to help someone she didn't even know. *Wink*


Suggestions

*Bullet*His plan had been to drag me inside...
Consider replacing 'had been' to 'was'. It will keep it in past tense while providing a smoother flow.

*Bullet*I ignored the blood that instantly gushed from his nose and ran to the girl on the ground.
Rather than using an adverb to strengthen the verb, 'instantly gushed' consider trying a more active verb, 'gushing'. The fact there is a gush of right away is already obvious because she notices it as she enters.

*Bullet* Now it was my turn to keep form passing out.
There is a typo on 'from'.

*Bullet*...we need to make sure you didn’t have any damage.”
The speaker of this sentence is a nurse and I don't think it reflects the way a nurse would state something like this. Consider something like, 'we need to make sure there are no lasting effects'.

*Bullet*Anymore questions?”
Any more should be two words.

*Bullet* The girl in the chair set up,...
The word 'set' should be 'sat'.

*Bullet*“Can I ask you something” She asked quietly.
Missing punctuation before the end quotation marks.

*Bullet* I’m sorry you don’t care about any of this.”
I think you should seperate the 'I'm sorry'. Perhaps use a comma or period. The reason I say this is because it sounds as though the girl is sorry that Evie doesn't believe her, rather than apologizing because she doesn't care and shouldn't be bothering her. Does that make sense?

*Bullet* prideful
Consider using 'proud' instead.

*Bullet*There are a few times when there are thoughts which aren't in italics. This may be confusing for the reader.

*Bullet*An image flashed in her head and me from replying.
This sentence doesn't really make sense to me. I'm thinking you mean Evie got the image from the girl as she had it, but I'm not too sure. Consider rewording to reduce confusion.

Overall

All in all, a strong start! Keep Writing!


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355
355
Review of Riley's Lullaby  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya again, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This is one sweet lullaby! I could imagine the tune as I was reading, definitely a nice soft song, perfect for closing little eyes. The images of butterflies and castles in the sky are very sweet, and I'm sure would help inspire peaceful dreams. *Smile*

Though it is simple in form, I really felt emotion from it as I read through. To be honest, it reminds me a lot of the little diddy my own mother sang to me when I was young. *Smile* Definitely the kind of piece that tugs at the heart strings, for sure.

The theme of this piece stays constant through the stanza's, and the reuse of the idea of dreams and sleep in consistent, landing at the end of every other stanza. I don't know if you planned it that way, but it works out well.

I didn't notice any specific rhyming sequence and I think it works quite well that way, especially as this would most likely be sung in soft, flowing sentences.

I think you have done a simply lovely job of creating a piece of music that most every child would enjoy and be lulled by. I also like how it repeats the following lines:

I will always be by your side
You will always be in my heart.
Go to sleep
My baby girl

It is important for our children to know how we feel about them, and saying it over and over like this creates a method for them to always remember just how much!

Suggestions

The only suggestion I have is on the following section:

Of kings and queens
And their castles
In the sky.

When I was reading it out loud, the last line on this part felt too short and seemed to stagger the flow just slightly. Of course this is taking into acount the tune I gave to it, which might be very different from your own. *Smile*

All in all, a beautiful piece. Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
356
356
Review of The World Goes On  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


First of all, I have to say - kudos to you for being able to tell a story in under 300 words. I have often looked at the flash fiction challenge, tried a few times, but never managed to build anything resembling a story in that amount of words. *Smile*

In spite of the strict word limit, I think you have managed to give the reader a clear accounting of the situation. There is limited character development, but again that is due to the word count limit.

The story progresses well. It gives a clear understanding of the tragedy she has suffered, as well as her emotional state. Kelly is loathe to truly accept her loss, and by way of that, refuses to acknowledge the will. This shows how much she loved Brian, which in turn allows the reader to feel the emotion behind her actions. I really enjoyed the last line. It showed the reader that she will be ok, that she is learning to deal with her loss. It allows for a sense of closure for the story.

The sentence structure was really good. You used varying length of sentences which I think really enhanced the emotional aspect of this piece. Shorter sentences tend to have a heavier impact, while longer, flowing sentences gives a sense of calmness. The sentence where she describes Brian is flowing, showing the reader she is thinking of him fondly without the need for extra adverbs. Nice.

The first sentence does a nice job of setting the mood for the piece. Her hands shaking as she holds the letter indicates she is upset, and allowed me to begin the read with a sense of an emotional upheaval. Very good on that!

I really liked the title. It really stands out and the first think that came to mind when I saw it was a sense of loss, of having to go on when one doesn't want to. It is actually what caught my attention to read the story. *Smile* It fits the content perfectly.

Suggestions

*Bullet*“Kelly it’s John.
There should be a comma after 'Kelly'.

*Bullet*...frustration as he replied “No Kelly.
There should be a comma after 'replied' and again after 'No'.

*Bullet*The only other suggestion I have is just something that may help in the future when writing these very short pieces. I noticed a couple of sentences that could be shortened by taking out the word 'had'. Even when writing in past tense, it is not always necessary. For example,
You wrote: Her life had stopped while the world continued as if nothing had happened. (Word count: 13)
My suggestion: Her life stopped, while the world continued as though nothing happened. (Word count: 11)
There's no difference in meaning, but the word count is reduced. (e:smile) Sometimes this can really help when your word count is off, so you don't end up having to strike active words.

All in all, I think you did a very nice job with this piece. You used all the prompt words wel without making them seem out of place at all. *Smile*

Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
357
357
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile*Hiya, Claire! I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

This is a really cute story. I was a little suprsied when the cat started talking, but oh man, did he have a personality or what! I think many of us who have pets wonder if they can understand us, and what they would say if they could. This was definitely a comical version of that. *Smile*

The progression of the story is good. So funny when she drops her head down in submission of his talent, or perhaps curse in her eyes. The narrative flows well, and oulls the reader along nicely.

I noticecd there are some errors in punctuation, etc. which I have included below in the 'Suggestions' section, and I think once you have those fixed, this story will be an extremely entertaining read.

I like your style of writing, it is full of life, I could really feel her absolute disbelief and confusion when he flew at her. So funny!

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...straight past Jingles eyes...
Jingles should be Jingles' due to the nature of this sentence.

*Bullet*Her cold podgy fingers clasped a...
The word 'podfy' should be 'pudgy'.

*Bullet*“Oh come now jingles,
Need a comma after 'Oh', as well, the name should be capitalized.

*Bullet*she spoke impatiently “Now Jingles…stop...
Need a comma after 'impatiently'.

*Bullet*...wushu is a full contact sport!
Just need a quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*“Knock knock Janice...
Just need comma's between the 'Knock, knock, Janice'.

*Bullet*...conversation we need to have”
Just need punctuation before the quotation mark.

*Bullet* so you may call me King! He continued
The word 'so' should be capitalized, as well, need quotation mark at the end before 'He' and a comma after 'continued'.

*Bullet*"er… I bought a cat from...
First word should be capitalized.

*Bullet*“Mr Parsons? Its Janice palmer I’m cancelling today’s appointment” she said dazedly.
Her last name should be capitalized and followed by a comma or a period. Also need a comma after 'appointment' before the quotation mark.

Overall

An entertaining version of what could happen if our animals could talk to us!

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
358
358
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This chapter moves things along nicely, I think. I have been reading along through the chapters and I have to say I think it's a really great idea to introduce the seperate players the way you are. It gives the reader some insight to their personalities, as well as allows the reader to be familiar with them before their all in a group, or a scene of fast paced action. It will reduce confusion later on. Nice.

The last line of this chapter keeps teasing my mind. I'm sure it will play a part later on in the book, especially because it states that Gunter is a loyal dog. It seems to me he won't much appreciate that. *Smile* The description of him was well done and gave me a clear picture in my mind. You also gave an inclination towards his personality, stating he was on the run but innocent Nice touch, it will allow sympathy from the reader later on.

The plot line seems to be moving smoothly and the sentence structure is easy to follow. I didn't notice stumbling at all, just a good smooth read. Oh, I also wanted to mention that I really like the way you describe movement and actions from the characters. It is realistic and believable.

Suggestions

*Bullet*... pulled up to the cure,
Just a typo on the word 'curb'.

*Bullet*...as Herr Stiehl. “I assumed it would...
There is an out of place quotation mark in the middle of the sentences. It is not needed.

Another great chapter! Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
359
359
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya, Kelticmyst!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


This piece acts as a very nice beginning hook. It introduces us to the main character and gives a bit of an indication of her personality through the narrative, how she evades her boss' call, as well as her reaction to the mist. It seems as though she has inner strength from how she reacts, I think I may have done more than whisper. *Smile*

You have also introduced that she is sick with something. Now I'm assuming from the reference to prescription medication that this could cause her problems through the story, which will make for some great obstacles.

The sentence structure and choice of wording was really good. I didn't notice any fluctuations in the flow, it was smooth and easy to follow. I don't feel there was adequate story line yet for me to comment on the plot line, and the character development ws really good for the amount we see her.

I liked the tone of the narrative, it was well written and inviting.

I look forward to reading more. *Smile*


Suggestions

*Bullet*“Damn it. Where was it?
I'm not sure what the quotation mark is, whether this line is said out loud, or in her thoughts, but I am sure what comes after is narrative, so you might want to take it out, or add one onto the end.

*Bullet*... the doctor had prescribed from her.
I think this should be 'for her'.

*Bullet*... this latest attack had happend.
Spelling error on 'happened'. Just missing an 'e' before the 'd'.

*Bullet*She was so deep in thought that it she didn’t notice...
THere is an extra 'it' after 'that'.

*Bullet*...voice wispered "This...
The word 'wispered' should be 'whispered', as well there should be a comma after 'whispered' to lead into the sentence of dialogue.

A great start! Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~



My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
360
360
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hiya, Old Warrior!

This review is from Showering Acts of Joy. I am glad to review this piece and offer my reactions and suggestions. Please remember, these are only my opinions, so feel free to disagree. Above all, keep writing! *Smile*


I wanted to start by letting you know I have done my homework and have read the chapters which lead up to this one. I felt it was important to do this in order to offer you a fair review, knowing what the average reader will know by this point.*Smile*

This chapter has definitely added to the tone of the novel. The plot line is moving along nicely with active scenes and descriptions. With the addition of Monday's Team will come action and suspense, and the build up towards that has been very effective.

There was a nice amount of character development in this chapter, as well. I found a gaining of respect for Daria. She is smart, which has been apparent for a while, but I get the feeling there is more to her than that. In this chapter we also see her stubborn side come out just a bit near the end. I find her to be a lively dialogue partner for Monday, as well, and the concise nature of the writing makes extra narrative around the dialogue unnecessary. Very nice.

Monday's character comes off as strong and in charge, but I have a feeling it will not get him very far with her. It is nice to see, however, she will have someone to watch her back as I am sure she will get them into some trouble along the way. His attitude towards her came out in this chapter with how much information he gave regarding his Team, as well as his tendency to change tone of speech when speaking to her.

They, as a couple, are very cute together. The chemistry is evident in the way they speak, as well as act. Nicely done.

I feel obligated to mention how well the plot line has developed since the prologue. There has been a lot of information and I find the confidence with which you write helps to explain some of the words and situations I do not fully understand, mostly due to the fact I wasn't a great history student. *Blush* The explanations have been wonderful, especially considering they do not interrupt the flow of the story.

Suggestions

I found only one thing to make a suggestion on in the area of grammar, punctuation and typo's.

*Bullet*“We have witnessed to the disinterment of your grandmother...
I believe the word 'witnessed' should be 'witnesses'.

All in all, I found this chapter to be a thoroughly enjoyable read, and am ready to continue on and see what happens next. *Smile* Happy Writing!

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~AJ Lyle~


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
361
361
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this piece posted on "Please Review"  and thought I would stop in for a read. *Smile*

The narrative tone is consistent and flows naturally. The sentence structure flows smoothly for the most part, and I found the voice to be concise and orderly, much like the character seems to be so far. There are a lot of details in this piece, especially considering the length, and I feel they were intersperced nicely and did not interrupt the flow.

The description of the room is very well done. The narrative flows nicely, the wording used is active and engaging, and I had no problem creating a visual of the area in my head. You added a few extra points in there as well, which begin to indicate the personality of the character. I often find description boring, but I read through this one with ease and interest.

The character development was good. There wasn't a whole lot of development in this part, but seeing as it is only the beginning, I feel it was definitely adequate. Using too much in the beginning would have been distracting for the reader, so in my opinion, it was well done.

The beginning paragraph did a good job of grabbing my attention and pulling me on to read more, just as it should do.

The last line worked well as a hook, urging the reader to continue on. *Smile*

I don't feel I can really comment on the plot line as of yet, because there has only really been hinting done so far. I am sure this will develop in the next sections.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*He mused to himself as he reached with his free hand to take an almost empty glass of bourbon he had poured just moments earlier. Just moments earlier however he had been having a fairly good day, which - as fate often dictated - didn't last long.

I stumbled over this section. It seems a little over complicated to me. I don't know if all this information is really necessary, but if it is, perhaps rewording it slightly or using some punctuation would help. As well, it doesn't indicate what he is musing about. When you said 'mused' I assumed it was a completed action, rather than something coming up. Here, I'm even confusing myself, so I will provide an example.
~He gathered his thoughts as he reached for the now empty glass of bourbon, the same glass he had filled only moments before. At the time, he had been having a fairly good day, which - as fate often dictated - didn't last long. This is only an example, but I believe it shows what I was talking about.

*Bullet*...and strode a few pases toward the window.
The word 'pases' should be 'paces'.

*Bullet*...he squinted his face to reduce the glare.
The word squinted indicates which body part is doing the action without needing to add 'his face'.

*Bullet*...shirt undone at top two buttons.
Add the word 'the' after 'at' to increase flow.

*Bullet*...increasingly busy hussle and bussle of the rest of the complex.
I had to verify with a dictionary because I wasn't quite sure, but I found this should be 'hustle and bustle'.

In Conclusion

All in all, a strong beginning scene. I look forward to reading more. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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362
362
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month, so I thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

Wow, this story was incredibly moving. The narrative voice was calm and clear, but with the underlying emotion of Paul's heavy heart. Very nicely done. I found I was seperate from what was happening, but I could feel how hard it was for Paul to stay back and allow Rebecca to choose her own life.

The character development was well done. I found I got to know Paul simply through his easy nature, the way he didn't react when many hot headed people would have. I had respect for him for his patience and willingness to help Rebecca, even when it was painful for him.

I think you did a very good job describing Rebecca's personality, showing how beaten down she was. Abuse is a very real thing for many, and I believe you represented the frame of mind of an abused person with realism. I liked how she began to change slowly, it is a long hard journey when one comes out of a bad situation and I think you represented that in a believable manner.

This piece had a big impact on me because I have been on the recieving end of this kind of behaviour. It was when I was younger, but I can remember how my mom acted and it was almost identical to Rebecca.

The flow of the plot line was smooth. It moved along nicely through the years, without feeling rushed in anyway. Well done.

The title suits the content well.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*... a colorful array of flowers around the house was in full bloom.
The word 'was' should be 'were' because the flowers are plural.

*Bullet*He shook himself to reality, reminded himself that she was just another assignment, and walked into the open garage.
Minor suggestion here, but using 'reminding' would make this sentence a bit more active.

*Bullet*He noticed a picture on the wall of her and her husband taken at some studio that is paid to make every family look like a happy one.
Take out 'that is' and replace it with a comma. I think it would provide a smoother flow.

*Bullet* Paul returned to the woman clearly shaken and sitting on her bed.
A comma after 'woman' would improve flow.

Overall

A powerful, emotional piece. Very well written and a joy to read.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
363
363
Review of The world  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hiya! You were kind enough to review my work and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

Strengths

A thought provoking piece. Though it is mostly questions, it flows very well. There are so many things in the world which simply are and many people do not take the time to wonder why they are the way they are, simply accept it because it has always been that way. I like that you have chosen to ask these questions, it shows you have a philosophical mind. *Smile*

I enjoyed the last part, it sums the piece up well and shows the author's point of view nicely. The last line is my favorite. Even though the answers are not apparent, it is always worth trying to understand on some level.

The word choices were good, I didn't find any that I would change. *Smile*

Suggestions

One thing I noticed was that there was a tendency to ask the same question a few times, though worded differently each time. 'Who created this world?'. I think this was perhaps a purposeful thing to create a constant reminder throughout, but I found it a tad bit repetitive. However, seeing as this is my only suggestion, it goes to show how much I liked it!

Overall

A nicely written reflection on the various 'why's' of the world. I believe it will inspire your readers to reflect, and perhaps seek their own answers.

Happy Writing!

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364
364
Review of My entry  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

The narrative voice was strong and consistent, leading the reader through the piece with ease. You did a very nice job of explaining Jack's childhood and why the old house was so important to him. The character of Jack was well developed, with several indications of his personality. It's so sweet how he dreamt of Mrs. Henderson's peanut butter cookies when he was on a tour of duty. It was a good indication of what kind a man he was.

The story line flowed well from beginning to end. There were enough details throughout for me to follow the transition of time and the narrative voice was exactly how I would imagine him to be. I think sometimes the narrative voice is one of the most important things when determining how a reader will react to the message within.

A wonderful ending. It wrapped the piece up nicely and left no strings dangling to interfere with the sense of completion.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*...and the only one it‘s size in the entire town.
The word 'it's' should be 'its'.

*Bullet*...where he knew Jacks would not.
'Jacks' should have an apostrophe.

*Bullet*On Sunday afternoon late following his tour of the old house,...
I stumbled on this sentence a little. I wonder if rewording the first part would help, or perhaps some punctuation.

*Bullet* Careful not to touch to much or disturb...
The second 'to' should be 'too'.

*Bullet*Oh what fun it would have been.
I think a comma after 'Oh' would be appropriate for this sentence.

*Bullet*...was as well built as the any new one.
The word 'the' is an extra in this sentence.

*Bullet* Inside the door, he encounter a stair...
The word 'encounter' should be 'encountered'.

*Bullet*...placed against the slopping ceiling and walls.
The word 'slopping' should be 'sloping'.

*Bullet* There were no hanging cobwebs he’d envisioned as a child.
I feel like the flow on this sentence is off. Perhaps try something like this, 'There were none of the hanging cobwebs he'd envisioned as a child.'

*Bullet* No ghosts in long white robs.
Just a typo on 'robes'.


Overall

All in all, an inspiring and emotional piece. Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
365
365
Review of William part:1  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Hiya! This piece caught my interest so I thought I would pop in for a read and review. *Smile*


I think the plot line you have started here sounds like it will be very interesting and will have plenty of room for exploring character development, conflicts, and room for playing with narrative voice. I believe you have a solid idea with which to build this story. *Smile*

I noticed a few problem areas in the construction of this piece such as sentence structure, grammar, changes in tense, and punctuation. I have given some specific suggestions below, however, I wanted to let you know that this site has some really wonderful classes available which only require one lesson per week that could definitely help in these aspects. There is, of course, a fee payable in GPs but if you are interested in taking a course or two, let me know and I would be more than happy to help you out. *Smile* The following is a link to New Horizons. They offer a variety of courses with helpful instructors and classmates, if you would like to check it out.
"Invalid Item" 

Suggestions

*Bullet* William turns and looks at the clock "2:00 am."
You do not need to use quotation marks for the time, instead I would suggest a dash. For example,William turns and looks at the clock - 2:00 a.m.

*Bullet*another sleepless night and the headaches are becoming worse the anxiety is persistent the urge is becoming overwhelming.
This sentence rambles a bit. Adding some punctuation will eliminate this effect. For example,Another sleepless night and the headaches are becoming worse. The anxiety is persistent and the urge is nearly overwhelming.I changed the word 'becoming' in the last sentence to 'nearly' to eliminate repetitive word usage.

*Bullet*It's been weeks since the last time he's gavin in...
The word 'gavin' should be 'given'.

*Bullet*I have noticed that you change tense a bit. It is a good idea to pick one tense (past, present, future) and stick with it. In the beginning of this you use third person present tense (is, this) and then later on past tense (was, that). Personally, I find third person past the easiest to write in as it is alike to watching the story happen and telling how you see it. It also allows the writer to get involved with the character and show the reader the reactions of those around the character, even if the character himself does not notice them. It is completely up to you, the main thing is to stay consistent so the reader does not become confused.

*Bullet*Another point of interest is how often you use the name William. Try to use other ways of referring to him, such as 'he', etc. Once you describe his physical appearance you can use some of those things to indicate him as well. Technically, you only need to use the actual name once every paragraph, otherwise use he.

*Bullet* William walks to the bathroom looks in the mirror and notices lint in his hair from the sweat soaked sheets, william was always one for the rugged look his short scruffy brown hair and unshaven beard complemented that very well, only 5'10 and 165 lbs. he was a lot stronger than he looked.
In this section there are a few spots where the first word of the sentence is not capitalized. A spell checker can help with these annoying kinds of typo's. Also, I would suggest using shorter sentences in this part. For example,William walks to the bathroom, looks in the mirror and notices lint in his hair from the sweat soaked sheets. He always did like the rugged look and his short scruffy brown hair with matching facial stubble complemented the look well. He was of average height, about 5'10" and around 165 lbs., give or take. One thing for sure, he was much stronger than he looked.I did this for an example only, but I embellished a bit on what you had to provide a smoother flow. *Smile*

*Bullet*The description of the apartment is in list form and I have found this can be somewhat boring for a reader. Instead, imagine yourself in the exact spot he is in and describe it as you see it. Or, if you prefer to keep the list format then you will want to add some comma's in between the items to produce a smoother flow.

Overall

I think you have a great idea for a story and with some work and willingness to learn, you will have great success in writing it. This site is wonderful with helping out, as I am sure you will discover. *Smile* Sometimes the best tool a writer has is practice. *Wink*

Happy Writing!


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366
366
Review of Numb  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hiya! You were kind enough to take the time to review my work and I wanted to return the favor. *Smile*

A powerful piece. I can honestly say I felt her desire to be wanted and loved. I felt her embarassment, and then the emptiness which invaded her after the fact. I loved your choice of wording through this piece. It was descriptive, emotional and meaningful.

The narrative tone was realistic and believable, and changed in cadence as she changed.

I have to admit, I can't fathom how you managed it in such a short piece, but I really experienced this character. I think you touched on a very real subject with this, as well. I know as a teenager I often felt rejected and in need of outside attention, and I truly feel for the girls who suffer through experiences such as this just for a place to belong. Which shows you also did a nice job of creating a piece to inspire your reader to think in a broader range than just the story itself.

The flow of the piece was done well. I didn't feel as though it was rushed, and I feel you developed each section nicely. You showed how calm her life was to begin with, and then the change of pace as she began to feel there was something missing. The ending sentence was a very nice summation of what the experience did to her.

I really enjoyed your style of writing. I found it to be concise, powerful and full of confidence. *Smile*

The title fits the content well.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Weekends for for visiting grandmother...
There is a double 'for' in this sentence. I wonder if the first one should have been 'were'?

*Bullet* She saw shorter skirts on her friends, make-up on their faces, sway in their hips, pout in their lips.
I stumbled on the flow of this sentence just a little. I think rewording the last two things would help this. For example, 'She saw shorter skirts on her friends, make-up on their faces, a sway in their hips and a pout on their lips.'

*Bullet*How could they make them see her too?
I'm not sure who 'they' is referring to in this sentence. Perhaps you meant 'she'?

*Bullet*...eager to escape from the her impending breakdown.
I think if you eliminate 'from the' the flow of this sentence would be right on.

*Bullet* One last thing, I think perhaps seperating the opening paragraph into two would create a larger impact. Something to think about. *Smile*

All in all, a highly enjoyable, thought provoking piece. Very nicely done.

Happy Writing!

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367
367
Review of Eternal Riddle  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hiya! I found this piece posted on "Please Review"  and the description caught my attention. *Smile*

This is a very interesting piece. I am glad I stumbled upon it. The narrative voice is fresh and insightful, though I noticed a couple times where it switches from Laura to the boy in mid-paragraph. This can cause confusion for the reader sometimes.

The structure flows well, moving through the situation without backtracking, and I think you spent enough time on each point in order to make it clear to the reader what your message is with this story. I found it to be insightful and thought provoking, and I think will especially appeal to parents who have been through similar situations with their children.

The dialogue between mother and son flows well for the most part and is realistic according to their ages and situation in life. The sentence structure was fairly good, though there were a few spots I commented on below. Nothing major popped out at me in that respect.

I enjoyed reading this story. I found the tone of the piece to be light hearted and explanatory, but with the added benefit of hidden meanings for those who can relate to such questions from their children. It also allows the reader to use their own imagination with use of wording such as ' But, what are you supposed to say to all the questions that come right after it –What do you mean? What kind of riddle? What’s a devilish smile? And all those whys that will come after each and every question.' It pulls the reader into the piece at a personal level, which is always a good thing! *Smile*

Suggestions:

*Bullet*She took a closer look to the sentence her son
I think 'a closer look at' would flow smoother and be more understandable to the reader.

*Bullet*...even she forgot where she put this away.
I think using 'it' rather than 'this' would work nicer simply because using the word 'this' can make it seem like you are jumping tenses a bit when used in narrative.

*Bullet*‘I found it on the attic.
The word 'on' should be 'in'.

*Bullet*I thought it was hers and could be my homework, but it confused me only. So, I wanted to ask you if that’s it.’
This seems a little jumbled to me. I realize this is a child speaking, but I think the grammar could be improved a little, regardless. For example,
I thought it was hers and I could use it for my homework, but then all it did was confuse me. So I wanted to ask you if it's homework or not.'

*Bullet*Laura chuckled as her son turned slightly red, from the embarrassment.
There doesn't need to be a comma in this sentence.

*Bullet*Jason apologized, but before he went back to his room to do the homework he asked her once again ‘Mom, what does that sentence mean?’ with a face of a clueless seven-year-old. Which is exactly who he is.
A couple of things here. First, this set of sentences should have its own paragraph. Only one speaker should be used per paragraph in dialogue. Second, the last sentence should be 'who he was'. The tense being used in this piece third person past tense, so using 'is' would change it to present. Third, there should be a comma after 'again' in the section, 'he asked her once again'. I would suggest rephrazing the section 'with a face of a clueless seven-year-old' to increase the ease of flow. For example, 'His face reflecting the confusion of the clueless seven-year-old he was.

*Bullet*How do you explain to your kid that sentence simply describes people?
I suggest 'How do you explain to your kid how the sentence simply describes people?' Using 'that' in the way you did caused me to stumble and have to re-read to be sure of your meaning.

*Bullet*...parent uses when he knows not what to say ‘You’ll figure it out on your own. Someday’ and smiled down to Jason.
The punctuation is a bit off on this section. It should read,
- ...parent uses when they know not what to say. "You'll figure it out on your own, someday," she told him with a smile.

*Bullet*I think you should go through this a bit looking for changes in tense. There are a few times when 'is' is used, which is present tense. If these are internal thoughts of the character, perhaps you could specify that in some way with additional clarification.


In Conclusion

All in all, the motivation for this piece is clear and the plot line reflects the message being sent. With the aid of some more editing I believe it will be an amazing read. *Smile* Happy Writing!


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368
368
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

The beginning paragraph was vivid, inviting and captured my interest nicely. The ending was equally well worded, leaving the reader with a sense of hope that Ted will be able to move past what happened to his family.

This story was emotional, and as I read I found several areas that pulled at my heart strings. There are phrases throughout which hint at the fact she is a ghost, but even though I knew it was coming, I was completely satisfied as a reader when the reason for his state came out. Most times I like to be suprised, but with this piece I found the emotional stimulation to be so intense that I didn't require the additional twists to feel the impact of it.

I especially liked how Rebecca commented through the piece, it gave me insight to the situation from her perspective, and was a prime indication of how their life had been before. Seeing her reactions to his pain made it easier for me as a reader to 'feel' what he was going through and how it affected him as a person.

The character development is somewhat limited due to the length of the piece, but I felt close to the characters through the narrative and dialogue.

The sentence structure was fluid and enticing, and the transition between paragraphs was smooth. The tone of the narrative suited the piece and gave insight to Rebecca's personality, as well as events as they transpired. The title of this piece fits the content well and was what drew me to read it in the first place.

The flow of the piece as a whole, the timing with which the situation unfolded felt very realistic and believable.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*Uninvited, Jim lowering his tall frame into the chair...
I think 'lowered' would suit this sentence and produce a smoother flow.

I didn't notice any error's in punctuation, spelling, etc. I also have no suggestions for improvement, I found it wonderful as is. *Smile*

Overall

A satisfying, emotional read and one I will not hesitate to recommend. Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
369
369
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

The narrative voice used in this piece reflects Greg's emotions and reactions well. I like the tone used, as well, it is telling of the long term damaged by their mother's behaviour. It is also well suited to the content of the piece.

Greg's character development was well done. I was able to feel his emotions quite well, and to see what kind of brother he is for his sisters. He seems to take the brunt of the punishment for them, and he is so big hearted he doesn't hold it against them.

The sentence structure is nicely done. The sentences flow well, creating an easy, intriguing read because the reader is able to get into the story without being caught up with inconsistencies. The flow between paragraphs was also well done, I didn't notice any areas where it staggered in that regard. The build up of tension just before they left the house was good. I felt his apprehension and desire to be gone before She woke up in a very realistic manner.

The plot line was well developed from beginning to end and was revealed at a good rate. I was able to learn of their situation in steps and through actions and dialogue rather than being told by the author. As a reader I definitely appreciate this approach as it allows me to get to know the characters better, as well as form emotional attachment. Very nice.

The title fits the content nicely and reveals much about the upcoming story.

The dialogue is realistic and believable. It varies in cadence between speakers, which adds to the visual perception of the situations.

I believe this story will be something which grabs the readers attention and holds it. It is well told, and is based on a subject which I think many people can relate to in some way or the other.


Suggestions:

*Bullet*...but he didn't mind because they only hurt because he used...
The double use of the word 'because' so close together caused me to stumble a bit. I think you could eliminate the first one and replace it with a dash. I believe it would read smoother.

*Bullet* When you reference the mom the she/her is underlined. There is one in the tenth paragraph. I only say something in case you wanted to keep them all underlined. *Smile*

*Bullet* He chomprd on them even...
Just a typo on 'chomped'.

*Bullet*...stairs above his room and panick surged through him.
The word 'panick' should be 'panic'.

*Bullet*...but circumstances caused byHer drifted them apart.
There is no space between 'by' and 'Her'.

*Bullet*...to be wielded aginst her children's bodies and minds.
The word 'against' is missing an 'a'.

Overall

A smooth, thought provoking piece. Very well done. Happy Writing and Happy WDC Anniversary.*Smile*

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
370
370
Review of Untitled  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hiya! Welcome to WDC, I am sure you will enjoy your time here! *Smile*

Strengths

Due to the length of this piece I really didn't expect for the narrative to be so intense, but it really was, and in a good way. The narrative tone grabbed me and pulled me in right from the beginning. There was a philosophical type of feel to it to begin with, and as Aeomir watched the situation, it became hard, reflecting his reaction. Very nice.

The wording in this piece was done well. Though there isn't a lot of description, my imagination filled in the blanks and I think the tone allowed for this to happen so effortlessly. The sentence structure was well planned and executed and I found myself reading through with ease. The paragraphs flowed well from one to the next with no awkward joiners.

There was little character development, but I believe this will come in time. For an introduction of this type I think the addition of development would have negated your intentions.

There was just enough information about the village and the times in which they live to interest the reader and tease the imagination. Very nice way to hook a reader into reading on. I really liked the ending hook as well, showing such a change in his attitude is intriguing, and I know I am interested to see how he develops as a person. I am intrigued by him in general - especially his past. Very nice.

You have definitely left yourself many threads in which to develop this story. Have fun with it!

Suggestions

*Bullet*...as if God himself had forbid all sense of pleasure...
I think perhaps 'forbidden' would grant this sentence a smoother flow. Something to think about. *Smile*

*Bullet*...warmth would surrender its self to the blistering cold.
The words 'its self' could be placed together to form 'itself'.

*Bullet*...and their jeers grew all the more louder.
The word 'more' is useless in this sentence as the word 'louder' already indicated the sound is becoming 'more' than it was before.

*Bullet*The figure, shrouded in cloth, landed it's gaze...
The word 'it's' should be 'its'. There should only be an apostrophe if 'it is' could be substituted and still make sense.

Overall

All in all I think this is a very strong start on a longer story. You have included all the main elements to intrigue the reader, as well as entertain them with your writing style. *Smile*

Happy Writing!


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371
371
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya! Welcome to WDC, I am sure you will enjoy your time here! *Smile*

Strengths

The plot line of this story moves along nicely. It is apparent by Candace's agitation, as well as her insistance on Ron accompanying her rather than her girl friends, that she has an ulterior motive for wanting Ron to go with her for dinner. You set up the belief that it was a ring very well for the reader, and I was suprised when it was a key to her place instead. It was a really nice twist. I think you led the reader to believe it was a ring, and Ron's response definitely added to the assumption.

The development of the characters was limited, but I think sufficient for the type of piece. Candace came off as a controlling kind of woman who knew what she wanted and wasn't afraid to go after it. Ron was the complete opposite, more of a free spirit really. I found I was happy they didn't end up getting together simply because there was such a lack of spark between them. This was also a good clue on your part that all would not end as Candace had planned.

I noticed this piece is part one of a series, so I believe I will reserve my opinion of the title until I know more of the story. For this section it doesn't really suit because there is no revenge, but I believe this will develop in the next installments. *Smile*

I think this piece has begun quite an interesting story. There is infinite room for growth of Candace as a person, and for her to see what she really wants in life. It seems right now she has a set plan of what 'should' be, I look forward to seeing what happens vs. her preconcieved ideas.

I have a few overall suggestions, as well as a few error's I have included in the section below.

Suggestions

*Bullet*Close call though huh?”
There should be a comma after 'though'.

*Bullet*Candace forces a smiles,...
There is a typo on 'smiles', should be 'smile'.

*Bullet*I’m Kelly and I’ll be you server today.
The word 'you' should be 'your'.

*Bullet*And for you sir?”
Need a comma after 'you'.

*Bullet*“Oh I see we lost someone,”
Need a comma after 'Oh'.

*Bullet*One thing I noticed as I read this piece was a continual changing of tense. There are parts where this is in past tense, and then others where it is in present. I believe smoothing it all into a constant tense would help with the flow as well as the overall experience for the reader.

*Bullet*One more thing. You may want to limit the amount you use the exclamation mark. I found as I read through it became somewhat distracting for me when used in regular speech. For instance, when the waitress used it as they were ordering drinks. Try to keep it only for those sentences which really need the added punch, and perhaps use facial expressions for the others. Please remember these are only my opinions, so feel free to disregard what you do not agree with. *Smile*

Overall

A great start on a longer piece. There was a good sense of coming character development and I believe it will hook your readers into wanting to know more of what will happen next. Happy Writing!

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372
372
Review of Dark Brother  
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
*Balloon*HAPPY WDC ACCOUNT ANNIVERSARY FROM "Anniversary Reviews" *Balloon*


*Smile* Hiya! I noticed you have an anniversary this month and thought I would stop by with a review! *Smile*

Strengths:

My first impression when I finished this was...wow! I thoroughly enjoyed this read. The writing itself, including sentence structure, was very smooth. The transition between paragraphs was nearly flawless, and I found myself captivated by the plot line almost immediately. The opening paragraph did its job well, it captured my interest and led me into the story. Very nicely done.

The viewpoint on elves used in this piece was refreshing. There are very few stereotypical references in this story and I really enjoyed that. Stories where the reader has a basic idea of the culture already can tend to be boring and predictable, which this piece definitely wasn't.

The descriptions were vivid and active, and I had no trouble visualizing the area, or the actions as they unfolded.

The dialogue was realistic and believable according to the character set up. The elf's tone was not so sophisticated as to seem fake, but defined enough to enhance the impression of his age. The speech of the villagers was also quite believable and the dialogue sections flowed well.

I was impressed by your use of the first person. I often find first person to be hard to follow, or at least to get into when I'm reading. This was not the case this time. The flow of his thoughts, actions and even dialogue was right on.

The ending was done nicely. It left it open enough to allow the reader to continue the story with their imagination, and was set up to give the impression he would win over the monster. I enjoyed that it was left open, it acted as a hook, and yet not so much that it felt unfinished. I sure hope that makes sense to you!

The development of his personality and background was done in a way that didn't detract from the action and was just enough to assist the flow and reduce confusion. All in all, a wonderful piece.

Suggestions:

*Bullet*...which was much dance as it was martial.
I think adding the word 'as' before 'much' would smooth out the flow of this section.

*Bullet*“You have knowledge of the creature that did this?
Just missing the quotation mark at the end of this sentence.

*Bullet*...breaking off small trees that were in his ways,
The word 'ways' does not need to be plural.

*Bullet*It did not want to kill this creature.
The word 'It' should be 'I'.

*Bullet*I noticed you use the word 'that' often. While there is nothing wrong with this, I believe there are spots where it could be removed without changing the meaning of the narrative, and perhaps smooth out the flow even more.

Overall

An enjoyable read with the added benefit of originality.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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#1583808 by KC under the midnight sun


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
373
373
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya! I found this piece listed on the "Review Me List for WDC Power -ON HIATUS" . Thank you for posting. *Smile*

Strengths

This was an interesting piece. I really enjoyed the man in the cemetary. I am assuming he was a vampire, but since it didn't say that specifically, that could be wrong. His attitude however, was wonderful. I don't know why really, but I really enjoy the mocking tone, gentle words that somehow mean so much more than face value. I think you did a very nice job on him, for sure.

The tone of the narrative was consistent in tense, and in content. Considering the age of the girl, I found her thoughts to be realistic and believable, as well as having a fairly smooth flow. The paragraph structure was also quite smooth, the transition from activity, to thought, to action was done nicely.

I enjoyed how the narrative changed in pace as she became scared, and again as she calmed down. It made it easy for me, as a reader, to follow and believe the changes as they occurred.

There was intensity in their kiss, as well as a certain amount of sensuality, yet you didn't take it too far. Some readers are offended easily when young people are involved and I think you had just the right amount of excitement.*Smile*

The ending was nicely done. The change of his eye color is a good indicator of an emotional reaction in him and the addition of hers changing as well is interesting and could easily be developed into a plot line.

The title fits the piece well. In response to whether or not you should continue this story my response is yes. I think there is more than enough intrigue in this piece to last for a longer piece. There are endless possibilities when dealing with the supernatural so I say go for it!

Suggestions

*Bullet*I was totally prepared to like it until Mom finally disclosed the "they don't have a mall in Clement Falls darling."
First, eliminate the word 'the' before the quoted line. Add a comma after 'disclosed' and again after 'Falls'. I think you will find it increases the flow.

*Bullet*For a girl of my taste, I considered that an epic tragedy, I was sure things couldn't get any worse.
I think seperating the last section of this into its own sentence would increase the impact of the line.

*Bullet*Grrrrr, seriously?, I thought.
The comma after the question mark in unnecessary.

*Bullet*With my limited experience with the surroundings,...
This is a minor point, but I think you should eliminate the second 'with' and use 'of' instead.

*Bullet* The gate, at the entrance, had fallen off its...
The comma's in this sentence are not necessary and cause the reader to pause when they do not need to.

*Bullet*...and my palms were sweaty, as I crossed the threshold,...
The comma after 'sweaty' causes a premature pause and disrupts the flow of this sentence.

*Bullet* I couldn't help the thought, in the back of my mind, that kept telling me to be quiet.
I think the flow of this sentence could be improved by a few small changes. For example, 'I couldn't help the thought in the back of my mind, telling me to be quiet.'

*Bullet*"Right here love."
Need a comma after 'here'.

*Bullet* "Let go of me",...
Minor typo, the comma should be before the quotation mark.


Overall

An enjoyable read. I think with some careful editing, it could be a truly great piece and would develop nicely into a longer story. I look forward to reading more.*Smile*

Happy Writing!

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374
374
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hiya!

Strengths

The developments in this chapter are very well done. Madeline's mysterious talents is a great addition and rather suprised me, but definitely in a good way. The confrontation between Twyla and Tristan was hinted at in chapter three and I was glad to see it come so quickly. I do have a few suggestions regarding that spot, which I have listed below, but the concept of it happening in this chapter was really good. One thing is for sure, there are few dull moments in this book so far! *Smile*

I also like how you have clarified that Madeline is there to help Twyla and Kylie. I wasn't sure when we were first introduced her and showing it through her aiding the girls leaves a lasting impression on the reader.

Suggestions

*Bullet*It's almost 4am and...
This should be 'four a.m.'.

*Bullet* This is my favorite stage in the night when everything...
This is a very minor point, but I think 'of' would flow smoother than 'in'.

*Bullet*You have to be someones kitty.
There should be an apostrophe in 'someone's'.

*Bullet*...at least my conscious.
The sentence after this leads me to believe 'conscious' should be 'conscience'. Conscious means awake and alert, while conscience is that little voice in your head that tells you right from wrong.

*Bullet*There is a discrepancy in the spelling of Jasmine. Some of them are spelled 'Jasmin'.

*Bullet* They slam shut just and inch before my fingers.
The word 'and' should be 'an', as well, I think adding 'touch them' after 'before my fingers' would help with the visual.

*Bullet*In a flash I'm flung out my window,...
The first time I read this sentence I thought someone else threw her out the window. Using 'flung' creates the impression it was against her will. Perhaps change the wording slightly.

*Bullet*...only to find that I bounced right back to the ground.
Using 'bounced' takes this out of tense. To keep it in the present tense use 'bounce'.

*Bullet*She begins grow larger,...
Need the word 'to' before 'grow'.

*Bullet*Charles office must be for strictly...
Charles should be Charles', it's like adding an 's but because it ends with an s you only need the apostrophe.

*Bullet*...and burn Tristans body."
His name should have an 's.

*Bullet*I look over at by bed and...
Just a typo on 'by', it should be 'my'.

*Bullet*I know I said this in my review of chapter 4, but I would truly like to see you develop the fight scene a bit more. The narrative goes through it quickly, and 'tells' the reader what happens, but I found I was unable to visualize it. Showing the action will inspire anticipation in the reader, which makes the reading of it all the more enjoyable.*Smile*

*Bullet* I think you should try slowing down the narrative a little. Take some extra time to see what she is seeing and comment on the little things, emotions, gut feelings, etc. It will add intensity for the reader.

Overall

Really good developments in this chapter, especially with Madeline. Keep on writing!!


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375
375
Review by ~A.J. Lyle~
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hiya!

Strengths

This chapter had some good confrontation elements in it. Considering that the last chapter did not, I think this was a good idea, it helps to keep the story moving along.

The dialogue between the girls was realistic and flowed well with the story line.

The sequence of events from beginning to end was done in good order, and I didn't notice any discrepancies from the earlier chapters.

Suggestions

*Bullet* My house is behind a main street with many boutiques, restaurants, and offices.
This sentence feels awkward. I suggest to rephraze the 'with many', it doesn't seem to flow with the style of the narrative. My suggestion, 'My house is behind a main street lined with boutiques...'

*Bullet*It took us less then that...
The word 'then' should be 'than'. Also, on average a vampire could probably traverse that distance in ten minutes or less, at least in the way most people view them. Yours may be different. *Smile*

*Bullet*"Don't drop it, again."
You don't need the comma in this sentence, it creates a pause where it isn't necessary.

*Bullet* They were in Vermont of something!
The word 'of' should be 'or'.

*Bullet*The scene with Allister seems to pop out of no where, you may want to lead up to it a bit with him shooting them some dirty looks while Kaylie is eating. Also, the scene with him felt too fast for me. It was more 'tell' than 'show'. Try breaking down her reactions a little more, let the reader feel her anger, and then demonstrate how she kicks and hits him. The clearer the reader visualizes it, the better.

*Bullet*Try to limit the amount you use the exclamation point. In this chapter there seemed to be quite a few and after a while it loses its affect. Try using it less and using facial expressions to emphisize the tone of voice.

*Bullet*One last thing. I felt like Twyla was too calm directly after attacking Allister. If she was taken by her hunger she would be irrational for a bit longer, I think. Perhaps use Kaylie to calm her down a bit, as though Twyla snaps out of it because she can't hurt her friend. Something to consider, at any rate.

Overall

An active chapter, keep on pluggin' away! Happy Writing!


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