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Review Requests: OFF
3,537 Public Reviews Given
4,150 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to review using a format that I can comment on plot, characters, setting, atmosphere and dialogue. I also try to point out typos/errors and that sort of thing. This style may change depending on the item!
I'm good at...
I'm better with fiction than anything else. I might be able to have a go at poetry but please don't expect too much!
Favorite Genres
Horror, dark, suspense, thriller, mystery. However, I'm open minded and will read most genres.
Favorite Item Types
Statics - fiction.
Public Reviews
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1026
1026
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hey I really like the idea behind this story, I like reading alternate endings and it's a possibility for so much creativity. I like the idea behind what you've written but I feel that the story is very sharp and to the point. Maybe instead of phrasing things with 'Julie said...' or 'Romeo did...' you could explain it more.

For example, "As he walked Romeo thought about his family, his loved ones. He wasn't sure what he wanted to do."

Also maybe you could differentiate between the main text of the story and the thoughts that both Juliet and Romeo go through.

Hope this helps

jo x
1027
1027
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
I like the plot idea of your story; I like it that you're trying to explain the existence of vampires, it's quite original :) However, I found quite a few mistakes:

*Star* 'will bring him down' should be 'would' instead. By putting 'will' you have changed the tense comletely as in future and this story is told in past tense

*Star* Make sure you put all speech within speech marks " "

*Star* 'dieing' is spelt 'dying'

*Star* 'fateful' I'm thinking this should be 'faithful' but I'm not entirely sure so don't take my word for it

*Star* 'with in' this should be one word, no space is needed

*Star* 'He before he thought twice' This bit kinda confused me when I read it, I don't think you need the 'he' at the start

*Star* 'dead man blood' this should be 'man's'

Hope this helps. Well done on the idea and write on,

jo
1028
1028
Review of Armed Robbery  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
I think that this story has a lot of potential but there are a couple of things I would change:

*Star* At the start when you are talking to your mam the second paragraph begins the story of the robbery but this is quite unclear. I think you should try to introduce it, maybe by saying 'Then came that fateful night...' or something to alert the audience that this is the actual start of the story

*Star* In the fourth paragraph I don't understand why there are so many different speeches. I suggest that if there are different people speaking you should indicate this at the end of the sentences and if not you don't need a new line for each new sentence

*Star* '"You are not pulling fast enough."
were my thoughts towards my co workers and the gun men.' This is on two separate lines when it should be on one line together

*Star* '"What if I trip?" I thought to myself.' I think that if you put your thoughts into Italics instead of speech marks it will be easier to follow and understand. This goes for the remainder of the paragraph where you have him wondering where the other guy with the other gun is. It doesn't need to be on separate lines either, it can just follow on like prose in a book.

I hope this helps. Like I said though, this story has good potential. Well done and write on,

jo
1029
1029
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I thought the plot of this story was great; finding love on Christmas Eve in the most unsuspectable cirsumstances. Different but good. I found these typos/errors:

*Star* 'crowd to wear Roger' should be 'where

*Star* 'four year previous' should be 'years'

*Star* 'decent' should be 'descent'

*Star* 'intake of breathe' should be 'breath'

Hope this helps, well done and write on!

jo
1030
1030
Review of "Trick Or Treat"  Open in new Window.
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Overall I thought that the plot idea was good; it kept me reading, wanting to know what was happening. I do have a few suggestions:

*Star* "The late October chilling wind had colorful leaves spiraling" Personally, I would rephrase this to,

'The late October chilling wind caused colorful leaves to spiral...' But I suppose it's just opinion.

*Star* In chapter 9 you have three different people talking in the paragraph at once; it's usually done by using a differernt paragraph everytime someone different speaks because it's easier to read.

*Star* I think it would be better if you used spaces in between your paragraphs or use th MLTag Indent so it's easier to distinguish paragraphs.

Anyway, a good plot, well done and write on,

jo
1031
1031
Review by blue jellybaby Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I think that this is a good plot for a story but I spotted a few things/had a few suggestions:

* "for at least of the day" para 2

* "Sound like you did" para 3 should be sounds

* (very inviting) instead of using brackets you could use a semicolon to join the sentences

* "Your family is your friends."

* "No one ever noticed me I felt." I would rephrase this speech; change the syntax.

* I found it really hard to read the speech because it was all on one line. When you type speech it should be on separate paragraphs for a new person's speech, not matter how much space it will take.

Eg. "NO!"

"What.."

"Listen. No I can?t hurt you again."

"You never hurt me."

"I hit you"

You could even add in things after or before speech like, "..." said Emily. Or, Allen told her, "...."

Anyway, I think it's a good plot idea but you need to work on it, write on,

jo
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